


Smack

by valisi



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Excessive Drinking, Guilt, Internal Conflict, Methadone Maintenance Therapy, Multi, Narcotics Anonymous, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2018-08-14 21:09:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 34
Words: 275,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8029054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valisi/pseuds/valisi
Summary: Erwin has found Levi in his next life, and Levi has track marks on the crooks of his arms. Rated Explicit for: Graphic Violence, Nazi References, Severe Drug Use and Drug References, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Possible Triggers for Current and Recovering Addicts, Homophobic Slurs, and Sex.Manga Spoilers up to Chapter 85.





	1. Fight

Max wasn't sure why he ever thought this was a good idea. Ean just had such a strong way with words. He was walking uncomfortably close to Ean down the alley. Their long, black, wool coats brushed against each other with every step. Both of them had worn their Doc Martens for the sake of looking like badasses, but Max knew they would stand out anyway. Neither of them had ever broken the habit of military posture.

“I think we've made a mistake,” Max said. Ean shook his head. 

“This is our target population,” Ean insisted. “There may even be some veterans here. Most of the time we'll only see these people when they come in for treatment.” Max gritted his teeth. 

“I hope you actually grow out of the adolescent invincibility phase one day,” Max muttered. 

“I somehow doubt that will ever happen,” Ean admitted. "If the Army couldn't take it away from me, then I guess it's here to stay."

They turned onto another street and there were large warehouses on either side of them. Ean swallowed and looked around. There were plenty of street lamps, and the moon was full. The area still looked very dangerous somehow, too many shadows. Ean's adrenaline was already pumping. 

“How did you even find out about this?” Max looked down at Ean. Ean grinned. 

“That seedy looking guy at the gym,” Ean said. Max looked forward again. “He really is selling drugs. So I bought I little bit off him and asked where I could go if I ever got tired of the gym.” 

“You bought drugs from him?!” Max's eyes went wide and he stared down at Ean. 

“Calm down,” Ean chided. “It was just a little coke. I flushed it.” 

“Ean,” Max snapped. “What the fuck?” 

“Max,” Ean reached up and put a hand on Max's back. “Do you remember when we played Dungeons and Dragons as kids?” Max wrinkled his nose down at Ean. “I was always chaotic good right?” 

“That doesn't translate to real life, Ean!” 

“Sure it does,” Ean said. He pulled his hand away from Max then and began walking towards the alley between two warehouses. Max stuffed his hands in his pockets and followed Ean. Ean took his phone out of his pocket and turned on the flashlight. Down the alley, he could see the handles to the metal staircase they were supposed to take. 

“That's it,” Ean said. “It goes down to the basement.” Max grabbed Ean by the back of his coat and pulled him back. 

“Ean,” Max snapped. “I have a bad feeling about this. It doesn't smell right.” Ean looked up at his friend. He trusted Max's nose, sure. 

“I can't explain why I want to do this,” Ean said. “But you and I have both been attracted to extreme violence all of our lives, Max. We've always understood that about each other without judgment. And there's nothing more violent than a basement full of drugged, fighting men. If this is too much for you, I'll gladly walk you home. But I'm coming back.” 

“What if I threatened to tell Felicia?” Max face was firm. He would do it, and Ean knew it. But Ean just shrugged. 

“If she's going to refuse to marry me based on the insanity that attracted her to me in the first place, then I will be better off without her,” Ean said flatly. He loved Felicia. But he wasn't going to miss out on things he wanted because of her. Max snorted and gritted his teeth. Ean turned and began walking towards the metal staircase. 

The farther he and Max descended the stairs, the louder Ean's heart was pumping in his ears. Then it seemed like the walls were vibrating. And they were. Down at the bottom of the staircase was the metal door with the slot in it. On the other side, there were loud noises. Some of it was obviously heavy music, but Ean and Max both could hear screams over the pounding of the bass. Ean turned the flashlight on his phone off and put it back in his pocket.

Ean and Max reached the bottom of the staircase and stood in front of the door. Max elbowed Ean gently, and Ean looked to his right. Max was holding out his fist with something in it. Ean put out his hand, and Max dropped some bright orange ear plugs into Ean's hand. Then Max, started rolling the ear plugs between his fingers to mold them, and stuffed them in his ears. Ean followed the example, and the pounding music on the other side of the door were muffled as the ear plugs expanded in his ear canal. 

Max knocked. Ean looked up at him. He never understood why Max followed him like this. He didn't deserve such a good friend, such a lawfully good friend. But they had been inseparable since high school. Then they joined the Army together, and did their full four years intending to earn G.I. Bills. Max couldn't afford college otherwise. Max even demanded Ean tutor him so they could get into the same college when they finished. Then, Max chose the same major as Ean, for no reason. Max didn't want to do substance abuse counseling in the VA. He was just following Ean. And now they were here together. Ean turned to look back at the door. Nothing happened for what seemed like a long time.

The slot in the door opened, and through it, Ean could see a single eye. The other eye was sewn shut. Without a word, Ean quickly signed the hand sign that the seedy gym guy had taught him. He had to practice it for three days after he had learned it to make sure he was confident with the motions. And when he had Googled what it meant, he found out that it had been American Sign Language for: “Invite me in, mother fucker.” When the guy on the other side of the door saw the collection of hand signals Ean made, his eyebrows raised. He closed the slot in the door. They heard the heavy lock in the door turn. 

The door opened, and Ean stepped in first. Max was right behind him. Ean stopped and pulled the cash out of his pocket. The door man was holding out his hand, and Ean put the bills in the large hand. The man counted it before putting it in his pocket. Transaction complete. 

Ean turned from the cyclops then and began walking. Max followed. There was a long hallway that opened up at the end like it might in a stadium. The hall wasn't wide enough for them to walk side by side, but Ean could feel Max's eyes on his back. Excitement and uncertainty was rushing under Ean's skin, and he could feel his chest vibrate with anticipation when he breathed. 

At the end of the hallway, the basement opened up. There were metal staircases to scaffolds and catwalks where most of the observers were standing. Some were standing around the pit where a fight was currently happening. Ean stepped forward towards the circle of men that surrounded the shallow pit. From the looks of the basement, it had once housed heavy and large machinery. But it had been cleaned out once the business which was using it had sold the building. Ean wondered who owned the building now and whether they knew about the fights. He guessed they must. Max caught his arm, and Ean looked around at him. 

Max shook his head and began pulling Ean away from the circle of men near the pit. Ean's eyebrows furrowed together, and then he realized his mistake. The circle of men was for upcoming fighters. They were standing close to look at the competition, most of them shirtless. Ean allowed himself to be dragged away, and Max took him to a staircase for a catwalk above the pit. Max led the way and Ean followed, careful of his footing. The staircase didn't look steady, but it didn't matter. There were plenty of men much bigger than Ean or Max on top of the catwalk already. 

When they reached the top of the staircase, Ean took the lead again, and he found a place along the railing where he and Max could see the fighters best. Some of the men had laughed at them as they passed because they saw Ean almost walk into the fighters circle. But Ean was too busy. He was already analyzing the men standing around the pit. Then his eyes turned to the two fighters who were bare fist boxing. The loud, primal music was drowning out the sounds of impact of fists hitting skin. 

Max leaned in close. 

“Start guessing what drugs they're on based on how they fight,” Max yelled. It sounded like regular speaking in the loud arena. “We'll compare notes afterwards.” Ean nodded, but didn't turn away from the fight. He didn't really care about Max's game. He was too mesmerized by the blood and bodies. 

That's when one of the fighters hit the other one squarely in the face, right on the nose. The aggressor kicked the man when he was down. Ean tilted his head and wondered why the winner had done that. He decided it must have been a very personal fight. 

Two men from the ring of men dragged the downed man out of the pit, and a trail of blood from his head was left behind. He had probably cracked his skull on the concrete. The winner was holding his fists, wrapped with white athletic wrap, up in the air with his victory. The wrap was turning a pinkish color from the blood of his knuckles and challenger's face. Ean's eyes trailed over the man's body. He was in very good shape. There were assorted tattoos or varying styles and professionalism on his skin. The most noticeable was an Imperial Eagle from the Third Reich of Nazi Germany spread across his shoulder blades, with a swastika under it, of course. Some prison variety tattoos covered the rest of his back. When the man turned to face the rest of the crowd, Ean saw the big, black swastika on the man's left collarbone. Normally the swastika would have been on his neck as a proclamation of his loyalties, and Ean's eyebrows furrowed. 

_“Why your collarbone?” Ean wondered. “Does it hurt more? Is pain a commitment for you?”_ Bone tattoos were the most painful kind, is what Ean had heard. The fighters around the pit were all reluctant to step into the make-shift ring. Many of them were standing back with their arms crossed, quiet. If the winner left the building right now, he probably wouldn't make it home alive. But Ean's thoughts were dismissed as soon as he saw the next fighter step into the pit. 

His breath caught. Ean stared at the man's face. He knew that man. He didn't know how, but he was definitely familiar. There was something about the irritated but also disinterested look of his features that Ean recognized. The young man was much shorter than the winner, and he had a head full of black hair. His long hair was pulled into a big bun on his head with a tall undercut below it, and his pale skin was rippling with lean muscle. The challenger wasn't wearing a shirt. There was an eagle, globe, and anchor on the left side of his chest, the United States Marine Corps insignia. His fists were wrapped in black athletic wrap. He wore pink fighting shorts that hung loosely on his lean body. Above those shorts, was a trail of dark hair that led from his navel down below. For some unknown reason, Ean's mouth watered. He lost focus, but shook his head and continued his analysis. 

Ean thought it was stupid that they weren't wearing gloves, but obviously none of them had day jobs. So there was no one who needed an explanation for their scraped knuckles. Either way, if any of them ever wanted to get help, scarred hands would be difficult to explain without blatantly lying. 

The winner seemed to be degrading the challenger now. He was pointing aggressively at the tattoo on the challenger's chest, obviously belittling it. Part of him wished he could be in the circle of challengers now. Not to fight, just to get a better look or to hear what was being said. It was obvious that he and Max had not come to fight though. They stood out in their nice coats and boots, but no one bothered them. Bets were being placed now. There was a line of men making their way to a corner of the room to a man holding up tickets in his fist. Ean's eyes went back to the fight. 

While the winner seemed to be yelling or trying to provoke his challenger, the young, dark haired man only stood there with the same disinterested look on his face. He looked thoroughly unprovoked and even tired or bored. No matter how hard the winner tried to rile the challenger, there was no response. Max elbowed Ean then. Ean looked up and met Max's gaze. 

“I bet you Taco Bell that the short one wins,” Max said loudly. 

“It's a Marine fighting a Neo-Nazi, Max,” Ean retorted. “He'd better win.” Max smirked. Ean didn't know why Max suddenly seemed to be enjoying this when he had been so reluctant earlier. He blamed the new found excitement on adrenaline. The loud, bass heavy music helped. Ean turned to look back at the fight. It still had not started. The winner was still yelling, and had not made a move towards the challenger. 

_“He's stalling?”_ Ean thought. It seemed like the winner was nervous, and Ean tried to understand why. The challenger had decided he was tired of waiting, and he spread his feet, bent his knees, and put his fists up near his head, knuckles out. While Ean couldn't recall the name of the stance, he knew that it was from a discipline of Martial Arts. He would look it up when he went home. The winner visibly stiffened, but then went into his own position. It was a boxing style, and Ean was worried that Max would lose his bet. While Martial Arts was a full body weapon, something as concentrated as boxing could overwhelm a good fighter. Not to mention the boxer was Southpaw. Max and Ean's eyes were both completely glued to the fight now. 

_“Pink shorts,”_ Ean mused. _“That's Muay Thai, isn't it. The challenger has actually studied the discipline. So he's broken two taboos then. He's a military man with Martial Arts training in underground fighting.”_

Ean couldn't keep up with what was happening in the ring. All he could tell was that the winner was throwing punches, and the challenger was dodging, smoothly. He was waiting for an opening, putting very little energy into the dodges, saving his energy. The circle of men standing around the pit began to thin out when they realized they didn't want to fight either man. Another punch was dodged, and the challenger lifted his left foot from the ground, slamming it into the winner's rib cage. All of the force from the challenger's hips met squarely against the skin of the winner's side. The winner stumbled back and held his ribs for a moment. At least one rib was bruised, maybe broken. The power and momentum in those limbs was incredible. More men around the pit began leaving. Some were cheering on the challenger then, mostly the ones who had been angry at the Nazi. 

The winner threw a punch, and the challenger dodged. During the dodge, the challenger lifted his foot again and slammed it, full force, into the dead-center of the Nazi's right knee. The knee had been locked and rigid so all of the force from the challenger's kick broke the man's leg just below the knee. Pure white bone was visibly poking out from under the skin just before the Nazi crumbled to the floor. He would probably never have proper use of that leg again, due to the joint damage. 

The men who were left standing around the pit began to leave now that the fight was settled. They didn't want to challenge the Marine, but they were cheering him on as they walked away. Most of the men that had been standing on the catwalk began leaving too. Their bets were ruined. Pink shorts and a small stature had thoroughly fooled them. That's when the new winner, the short man, leaned over the broken man and spit directly on the swastika tattoo just before he was dragged out of the ring. A shiver ran up Ean's spine. 

“Fuck,” Ean breathed. The winner looked around the pit then. There was no one left to challenge him. A few men stepped forward to try and drag the broken boxer out of the pit, and he struggled the entire way, seemingly insist he could fight. 

The man, who had been taking bets in the lower corner of the room, walked over to the winner in the pit. He threw some bills at the winner's feet and began counting the rest, shit eating grin on his face, as he walked towards the exit. The money wasn't much. Ean counted a few twenties, but there were mostly smaller increments of cash. Maybe less than $300.00 total. The winner knelt down to collect the money. Max leaned down to speak into Ean's ear. 

“Track marks,” Max commented. Ean's eyes fell to the winner's arms as they reached out to collect the money. He hadn't noticed the red splotches on the inside of the man's elbows before. From the inside of his elbows, a trail of little red and pink marks reached all the way up to his shoulders on both arms. Some were fresh. None of them looked infected. The winner stood, rolled up the bills and stuffed them in his underwear, as it was the only pocket he had. Hiding his money had pulled his shorts down a little too far, and it left his right hip bone exposed. Ean licked his lips. 

The music stopped.

“Five-O!” someone screamed. “Get the fuck out!” Max grabbed Ean's arm and pulled him. Ean couldn't take his eyes off the winner though. Even if the police were coming, he needed to say something to the winner. 

“Marine!” Ean called. He didn't know why. The winner looked up at the catwalk then. 

Silver met blue. Erwin remembered. Levi took a step back, reeling from all of the memories rushing back into his mind. That was his Commander. 

“Levi!” Erwin screamed, then. Levi's eyes spread wide and he was motionless with shock, lips parted. Mike was pulling on Erwin's arm. Max was Mike! Erwin's head was swimming.

“Ean! We have to go!” Mike turned began running, his boots ringing loudly on the metal under them. Quickly, Erwin fished his phone out of his pocket and threw it down to the pit below him. He turned and ran after Mike then. He didn't get to see if Levi caught the phone. 

“Let's go!” Erwin yelled, to no one, to Levi maybe. Mike was far ahead of him now. There was a huge smile on his face. 

They made it down the stairs and ran out of the way they came. He didn't turn to see if Levi had run too, but he knew that he had. Now Levi had his phone, and he could call him. Erwin ran as fast as his legs could carry him, glad that he and Mike were still in good shape.

When he and Mike ran up the stairs down to the basement, Mike chose a direction, and Erwin followed closely. The sound of sirens began getting louder and Mike turned down another alley. 

The two young men ran down enough alleys and took enough turns that they were able to stop and lean against a warehouse to rest. The sounds of sirens had stopped now because the police had arrived at the entrance of the fight club. It was empty now, of course. 

“What the hell happened back there, Ean?” Mike accused between panting. “You know that junkie?” Erwin was bent over, resting his hands on his knees. He smiled and nodded. 

“Yeah,” Erwin smiled at the ground. He knew that man, and he was no junkie. That was Levi Ackerman. That was Humanity's Strongest Soldier. 

“How?” Mike's voice was harsh now. Erwin thought about what he should say. Mike still had not remembered. 

“Former lover,” Erwin muttered. Erwin stood up straight then and adjusted his coat around him. He pulled the ear plugs out of his ears and put them in his coat pocket. Mike was standing, staring at him incredulously. 

“You've never dated anyone except Felicia,” Mike accused. “Especially not a man!” 

“Not that you know of,” Erwin insisted. Mike's jaw clenched, and Erwin wished his could explain. “Let's go home, Max.” Erwin struggled with Mike's new name, and would have to be very careful not to say the wrong thing. 

The two young men turned and walked down the alley casually. They would have to go back to the main part of town to get a taxi. 

“Were you ashamed to tell me?” Mike finally asked. 

“Of course not,” Erwin said. “It's more like,” Erwin paused and thought about it. “It wasn't necessary for you to know.”

“Did you use drugs with him?” 

“No,” Erwin assured Mike. “I knew him before he lived this life.” Mike huffed and reached up to scratch his mustache. Erwin smiled. Mike was still the same, even if he didn't know it. 

“You owe me Taco Bell,” Mike said. Erwin smiled and nodded. 

“Do you want to stop by there on the way home?” 

“No,” Mike shook his head. “I'm not hungry now.” Erwin looked up at Mike and saw the stress on his normally stoic face. He wondered how Mike would feel when the memories returned to him again. A fight club would pale in comparison to the carnage of Titans. Erwin's innocence was gone now. He was truly an adult in a young college student's body now. All of the knowledge he had from his past life would help him find Levi. 

“I need to see Felicia anyway,” Erwin said. Mike smiled. 

“Yeah,” Mike agreed. “The adrenaline made me hard too.” Erwin laughed and furrowed his eyebrows at the same time. “Maybe I'll go see Rachel.” Erwin nodded. 

“Can I borrow your phone?” 

“Where's your phone?” Mike frowned down at him.

“I dropped it while we were running.” 

“Sucks,” Mike said. He fished his phone out of his pants pocket from under his coat. Mike unlocked it and handed it to Erwin. Erwin looked through Mike's phone contacts. 

“You don't have Felicia in here?” 

“Why would I have your fiance's number in my phone?” 

“Emergencies,” Erwin said. Mike frowned. “I'll kik her.” Erwin pulled up Mike's kik application and typed in Felicia's screen name.

 _Lost my phone. Call Max's number: 555-0262 – Ean_

Erwin turned the volume up on the ringtone and turned the screen off before he handed the phone back to Mike. 

“She'll call soon,” Erwin said. His walk felt different now, more confident. Everything felt so strange and new. Knowledge was flooding his mind.

Mike and Erwin were riding in a cab back to their apartment by the time Felicia called. When it rang and Mike didn't recognize the number, he handed the phone to Erwin. 

“Hello?” Erwin answered.

“Hey, baby,” Felicia said. “You lost your phone?”

“Yeah,” Erwin said. “Can I come see you?” 

“Sure,” Felicia said. “I just got out of the shower,” she added with a sultry tone. Erwin swallowed and tried to keep his voice even. Normally, he loved to hear that, and now it made him uncomfortable. 

“I'll see you soon,” Erwin said. 

“Alright. I love you,” she said. Erwin hung up, and let out a breath he had been holding. She would be pissed by the time he got to her apartment now. 

“Mi-Max,” Erwin stammered. Mike was looking at him oddly now. “Do we have any whiskey at home?”

“Unless you've drank it all,” Mike said. Erwin nodded.

******

At three in the morning, Erwin stumbled back into the small apartment he shared with Mike. It was dark, and he figured Mike really had gone to see Rachel. He shut the door behind him and locked it before moving to his bedroom with purpose. 

Felicia had been devastated, naturally. She had thrown the expensive ring at his feet so hard that it bounced against the floor, but he ignored it. Part of him wanted to comfort her, but instead he had just walked out on her. There was no way for him to explain to her what had happened anyway. 

Erwin opened the door to his room, closed it behind him, and walked to his desktop set up. 

_“Levi.”_ Sitting down in his desk chair, he swiveled to the computer and moved the mouse until the screen turned on. Steam was still up, and he closed and exited from it. 

Erwin pulled up Chrome and went to his Gmail. From his Gmail, he could make a phone call. He pulled up the phone application and typed in the phone number to his cellphone. Erwin put on his headphones with built in microphone. Then he dialed. 

Three rings later. 

“Yeah.” 

“Levi,” his voice was breathy with excitement. Erwin had a huge smile on his face. “Can you hear me alright?” 

“Where... are you calling?” Levi's words were slurred and he was talking very slowly. He hadn't even been able to complete the question. Erwin's heart dropped, the smile faded. Undeniably, Levi was high. His speech was slow. So he was using a depressant. And if it was intravenous, then he was probably using heroin. 

“Home,” Erwin said. “I'm calling you online.” 

“Huh,” Levi said flatly. There was silence then. Erwin expected Levi to say something else, but nothing happened. 

“Darling,” Erwin muttered, devastated. 

“Erwin.” Levi sounded really far away. Erwin closed his eyes and his head hung heavily. 

“Can I see you tomorrow?” He held his breath when he waited for the answer. “I'll take you out for coffee. Or tea.” Erwin remembered Levi enough to know what would do the trick. There was a long pause, and he wondered if Levi had passed out. 

“Can you come get me?” The question was weak. Erwin lifted his head and opened his eyes. 

“I'll come get you now,” Erwin offered quickly, his eyes running over everything in his field of vision without actually seeing anything. The panic in his voice was obvious, and he needed to calm down. If he panicked, Levi might hang up on him. 

“Not now,” Levi slurred. “Tomorrow.” 

“Yeah,” Erwin nodded, his headphones bobbing on his head. “Tell me where and when.” 

“Whatever,” Levi's voice sounded weaker. He obviously couldn't think straight. 

“I'll come get you at 1400 tomorrow,” Erwin said. He pulled up a Notepad on his computer. “Tell me where.” Levi didn't answer right away. “Levi,” Erwin murmured. “Can you hear me, darling?” Erwin automatically put a hand to one earphone as if that would help. It wouldn't, the volume of his earphones were turned up to the maximum. 

“Erwin,” Levi said. The voice filled Erwin's head. 

“I'm here,” Erwin assured him. “Tell me where to pick you up tomorrow.” Levi slowly, uncertainly, told him the name of a library, and Erwin typed it out in front of him on Notepad. He hoped that Levi was remembering the name correctly. “I'm coming to get you at 1400,” Erwin repeated. “Can you remember, darling?” Levi went silent while Erwin pulled up the address on Google maps and looked at the building so he would recognize it the next day. Levi didn't even want Erwin to know where he lived. He hadn't even remembered the name of the library correctly, but Google had corrected it when Erwin searched for it. 

“Erwin,” Levi repeated. 

“Yes, darling,” Erwin said. “1400 tomorrow. 2:00 pm okay,” Erwin repeated. He desperately hoped Levi would be able to remember. 

“I'm so happy.” Levi's voice was painfully slow, hoarse. Erwin smiled anyway. That definitely sounded like heroin. The euphoria of that drug was notoriously strong. Still, Erwin wanted to believe it. He wanted to believe Levi was happy to see him. 

“I am too,” Erwin said. “Levi.” 

“Uh huh.” 

“Let's hang up for now,” Erwin offered. “I'll see you tomorrow.” He didn't want to hear Levi talk anymore. 

“Stay,” Levi muttered. “Stay until I fall asleep.” Erwin's eyes creased, and his chest hurt. He didn't want to listen to Levi anymore, but Erwin couldn't deny the request. Levi wouldn't be awake for much longer anyway. Erwin just hoped that Levi hadn't taken too much this time. 

“I'll stay with you,” Erwin promised. 

On the other side of the phone, Levi was staring at the ceiling of the shitty apartment. He blinked slowly. A roach crawled across the ceiling and disappeared into one of the holes in the walls. This place was worse than what he had remembered of the Underground from his first life. But he didn't care. Not even a little. There were tears running from his eyes and into his ears, but there was a goofy smile across his lips. He was so happy. His breath was shaking with every inhale. All that mattered was Erwin was on the other side of the phone, and he would see him tomorrow. Levi closed his eyes again. He couldn't keep them open for long. 

“Levi?” 

“Erwin.” 

"Levi, are you laying on your back?" Levi took a shaky breath. "Levi, roll over onto your side." 

"Erwin-" 

"Levi, this is an order, roll over on your side _now_ ," Erwin demanded. Levi's brows furrowed, but he felt the desire to fulfill the order. Carefully, slowly, he rolled over onto his left side, the phone perched against his right ear with his hand. 

"Yes, sir," Levi breathed into the phone. Erwin sighed into the phone, relieved. Levi nodded off again. An indeterminate amount of time passed for him, but he jerked awake, instantly saying the first thing that came to mind. "Erwin," Levi muttered. 

“I'm here, my love,” Erwin said. It sounded so sweet. It was Erwin. He was still there. 

“I've dreamed of you,” Levi heard the slow words, but he couldn't feel his mouth move. “I've dreamed of you,” he repeated. He didn't know if he had actually said the words or only thought them. 

“I've dreamed of you too. All of my life,” Erwin said. Levi's lips pulled into another smile, and the phone fell away from his ear when his hand relaxed. 

Erwin waited and listened. 

“Levi?” No response. No sound of breathing. The phone would probably die soon, but Erwin couldn't disconnect the call. He had promised to stay. He minimized the Chrome window and pulled up Steam to browse through games. Erwin had zoned out from the phone call until he started hearing a shuffling noise. 

“Landon,” a deep, male voice said. “Get up,” it demanded. 

_“Landon,”_ Erwin thought. _“Levi's name?”_ Erwin leaned over the desk and put his forehead in the palm of his hand while he listened. 

“Get up, babe,” the voice said again, softer this time. 

_“Oh, my God,”_ Erwin felt dizzy. Levi was with someone. Maybe a partner, and the man didn't sound surprised by Levi's condition at all. Partners in dope. There was some more shuffling and some mumbling. 

“I've got an idea to make you feel better, baby. Let's give you a speedball.” Erwin's eyes widened. 

"Levi! Wake up!" Erwin screamed into his microphone. 

“Who the fuck are you talking to, Landon?” The call disconnected. 

Erwin sat there, holding his head in his hand, his mouth still hanging open. He closed his eyes, tightly, suddenly praying.

_"Don't take it, Levi."_


	2. Stairwell

The next day, Erwin pulled over in front of the library. Levi was standing under the porch of the building, and Erwin smiled widely. He had remembered.

Levi approached the car and opened the door. The long dark hair was tied up in a bun again, and the undercut was still very visible. Levi's clothes hung on him loosely. He was wearing faded black jeans and a long sleeved black hoodie, even though it was still hot outside. Quickly, he sat in the passenger seat and closed the door. Erwin didn't wait for him to buckle his seat belt before he pulled out of the parking space. Levi took Erwin's phone out of his pocket and put it in the cup holder between them. 

“Nice car,” Levi commented. His voice sounded stronger now, and Erwin smiled. 

“I'm too lazy to walk from my apartment to school,” Erwin said. “And my parents live out of state.” Levi didn't respond. Erwin looked over, and Levi was staring out of the window. Of course, Erwin wanted to ask questions, but he knew Levi needed space. This was probably very embarrassing for Levi. 

“Tea or coffee?” Erwin asked cheerfully. 

“Tea,” Levi muttered. Erwin nodded and took one hand off the wheel. He wanted to reach out and touch Levi, maybe put his hand on Levi's thigh. But, in this life, they were strangers so far. Levi was obviously with someone else now. The hand that would've automatically reached out dropped to Erwin's lap instead. 

When Levi thought Erwin wasn't looking at him, he looked over at his Commander. Erwin was young, and he was smiling. His blue eyes were bright, alive. Erwin's blond hair was different from what he remembered and a little messy. Levi loved it. It was styled simply, and there wasn't any product in it. Some of the blond strands hung over Erwin's forehead. His clothes were nice and fit well. The blue jeans were tight around his thighs, and the gray cotton shirt was loose. It had short sleeves, and Levi looked at the beautiful, unbroken veins in Erwin's big forearm. It was the arm he had lost in their past life. Levi had to turn away then. He watched the world pass outside the car window. 

They rode in silence. When Erwin could steal a glance at Levi, he did. He mostly focused on driving though, navigating the city's heavy traffic with ease. 

After a short time, Erwin turned to pull into a parking garage of a shopping mall. When Levi saw where they were entering, he began looking around a bit faster. Paranoid.

“Are you okay to walk?” Erwin asked. “We can sit for a while, if you want.” 

“I'm fine,” Levi said. He sat up in his seat a little farther, looking around suspiciously. Erwin drove up the ramp to the second floor of the parking garage, unable to find a place on the bottom level. He found a parking place and pulled into it. Erwin put the car in park and turned off the engine. He didn't make an immediate move to exit the car though. Levi was still looking around as if he was waiting for something to happen. 

“If you're hungry, we could get food too,” Erwin offered. He sat back in the driver's seat, looking at Levi. Levi shook his head. Erwin doubted Levi ate very often, and Erwin wondered how Levi had maintained so much muscle anyway. He speculated that Levi worked out often to entertain himself between doses. Then maybe Levi took his highest dose at night, to sleep. That's why Levi had been so stoned the night before. And then Levi had people around him who offered him more drugs even after he was high. Erwin tried not to think about that anymore. 

Levi looked over and up at Erwin's eyes then. He could feel himself coming down from the high. Some of his muscles were already aching from fighting the night before. The euphoria was slipping away from him. Pain began to take its place, slowly. Coming down felt, to Levi, like he had slugs crawling all over his body because his nerve endings were waking up so slowly. He had a pins and needles feeling all over his skin. And Erwin was being so kind. He didn't seem angry or resentful of Levi's actions at all. 

In the lights from the garage, Erwin could see Levi's pupils were pin points in the center of gray irises. So he had taken a small dose this morning, probably. He seemed to be rather aware though. There was a horseshoe ring hanging from Levi's septum that he hadn't noticed until then. Erwin smiled at Levi. He saw Levi's throat bob when he swallowed. 

“Are you alright?” The concern was obvious on Erwin's face. He reached out and put his hand on Levi's thigh. The muscle under his hand was thin and lean. 

Levi opened the passenger side door and stepped out, closing the door behind him. Erwin's hand retreated when Levi pulled away. He unbuckled his seat belt, and opened his own door. When he looked around, he didn't immediately see Levi. Erwin closed the door and stepped to the back of his car. That's when he saw Levi. He was heading towards the stairwell of the parking garage instead of the elevator they needed to take to get to the coffee shop. 

“Levi!” Erwin called. He realized what was happening when Levi didn't turn around. Levi was running from him. Erwin broke out into a run across the concrete of the parking garage. “Levi, wait!” Levi didn't wait. He walked faster. 

Under his hoodie, Levi was feeling hotter than usual. Some of it was the weather, but he could feel his heart pounding. Erwin's running footsteps were coming up faster behind him. As an automatic response, Levi started running too. Erwin was on him then though. Then, he felt a tug at the hood of his jacket.

“Levi.” Levi reached to his front and unzipped the hoodie. It pulled away from his body as Erwin tugged, and he was only left in his white, sleeveless undershirt. He felt exposed, but he didn't stop running. He made it to the door of the stairwell, and opening the heavy thing slowed him down for only a moment before he was running down the stairs. Erwin jumped the last few steps though. He was in Levi's way then. Levi reached out and pushed at Erwin, but he hadn't pushed hard enough. Erwin didn't budge. “Stop, Levi,” Erwin commanded. His voice echoed in the empty stairwell. 

“I'm not your fucking soldier anymore,” Levi snapped. “Fuck off!” When he reached out to push his way past Erwin, the blond's big hands wrapped around his forearms. Then, Erwin pushed until Levi's back made contact with a concrete wall behind him. It wasn't a hard push, but it was enough to put him off balance. 

“Levi,” Erwin whispered. “Easy.” Levi pulled his arms away from Erwin's hands and leaned away from the wall, looking at the tall man's face. Erwin's eyes were on Levi's arms though. He hadn't been able to see the marks on Levi's skin the night before because he had been so far away. The pale skin was littered with red and pink marks. Some were wide and scabbed, as if Levi had dug around for an elusive vein. His blue irises raised to Levi's gray gaze. “It's alright.” 

“Shut up,” Levi growled, he averted his eyes. His hands formed into fists. Levi wanted to run, but his legs wouldn't move.

“Look at me,” Erwin commanded. Automatically, Levi's eyes raised back up to Erwin, but he remembered himself and looked away again. Suddenly, Erwin's hands were on the either side of Levi's face and he directed Levi's eyes back to his. Erwin's middle finger ran against Levi's undercut, and that sparked memories for both of them. It had been a subconscious move, and Erwin felt like he didn't have any control over it. “Levi,” Erwin said gently. “The only thing I want from you today is your time. To talk. I don't know anyone else who remembers.” Levi's gray eyes were gazing at him intensely then. They were quiet then except for the sounds of their heavy breathing in the stairwell. Neither of them had run very far, and they didn't understand why their chests were rising or falling so heavily. 

Levi was still coming down from his high, and his skin was much more sensitive than it normally would have been. Having Erwin's hands on him made him feel overstimulated, but he didn't pull away. Then, Erwin's hands were sliding down, away from his face to his neck. It caused a prickly feeling on the short hairs of his undercut. One of Erwin's thumbs ran down the soft skin of Levi's neck, next to his trachea. Erwin's hands weren't calloused like Levi had remembered. They were still soft. Even though Levi's skin was crawling with the very earliest signs of withdrawal, Erwin's touch still felt so soothing. 

Erwin watched Levi respond to the simple touch. Levi's skin felt so familiar under his hand even though he had not touched him in what was physically centuries. When Levi swallowed, Erwin felt his neck rise and fall with the motion. 

_“Take your hands off of him,”_ Erwin told himself. _“This isn't what we're here for.”_ His hands didn't move away from Levi. Levi's gray eyes were scanning Erwin's face then, wide and unsure. 

“Lean down here,” Levi whispered suddenly. Erwin couldn't wait another second. He leaned down and their lips met, experimentally at first. They closed their eyes, and Erwin's tongue parted Levi's lips with certainty then. Erwin's breath tasted sweet, minty. Even though, Erwin imagined that Levi was living in a poor state, Levi still smelled clean, freshly washed even. The hint of cigarettes was on Levi's breath. 

Levi lifted his hands and rested them on Erwin's ribs. The hard muscle he expected was there, and he pressed his hands into it, hard. That's when Levi felt his back touch the wall behind him again. Their hands moved naturally, as they had always done. Levi reached up and wrapped his arms around Erwin's neck, and Erwin had reached down wrapping his arms around Levi's waist. Using the concrete wall for leverage, Erwin lifted Levi from the ground and made their height match. Levi wrapped his legs around Erwin's hips for support. The slick sounds of their mouths and panting breaths between kisses filled the stairwell. Erwin's right hand reached up into Levi's hair. The motion made hair tie loosen, and Erwin tightened his fingers in the black locks.

Suddenly, Erwin broke the kiss, his eyes still closed and he hung his head.

“I'm sorry,” he breathed. “This is not what I intended.” Levi leaned forward and put his forehead to Erwin's. With a push, he forced Erwin to lift his head, and their lips met again. Levi was the aggressor this time. His tongue pushed past Erwin's lips and their teeth clashed. The kiss was suddenly much more urgent. Levi pulled his mouth from Erwin's and he dropped to the crook of Erwin's neck and shoulder. He opened his mouth and began sucking the skin. It pulled a gasp from Erwin's throat, and Levi felt Erwin's chest tremble. Against him, Levi could feel a bulge against Erwin's zipper. Levi's teeth sank into Erwin's flesh, and Erwin's response was a rough thrust against Levi's crotch. A soft groan raised in Erwin's chest, and it sounded pleasant and uncomfortable. “Levi, please stop,” Erwin muttered. Levi pulled his teeth away from the wet skin and leaned back to meet Erwin's eyes. 

“Why?” 

“I've taken it too far,” Erwin said, his eyes still heavy lidded. “Let's go.” He began to pull away, but Levi's hands were pressing into his back still, trying to keep him in place. 

“Don't,” Levi insisted quietly. Erwin's eyelids raised more then, and he searched Levi's face. He saw desperation, but there wasn't any lust behind it. It was a desire to be held longer. Levi didn't look okay. There was sweat broken across his brow. Erwin leaned in and kissed Levi's forehead. The sweat was cold. He pulled back and met Levi's eyes again. 

“Levi,” Erwin said. “Are you withdrawing?” Levi didn't answer, but his gaze didn't waver. Erwin's eyes softened, and he turned his head to the crook of Levi's arm. He planted gentle kisses against the healed and scabbed track marks. Levi leaned his head back against the concrete, and watched, helplessly. 

“You have two arms,” Levi said. Erwin smiled and laughed lightly. 

“I'm all here,” Erwin said. “We're okay,” he promised. 

“I feel sane when I'm with you,” Levi whispered. 

“You are sane,” Erwin confirmed between kisses. “You are the most sensible being I've ever known, Levi.” He looked up then and saw Levi's eyes were dull, unfocused, pupils still pinned. 

Levi was lost in his last memory of Erwin. The needle was right against Erwin's skin, in the crook of his large arm. He just needed to find the vein and plunge. It would save them all. And if Levi had only broken through that perfect skin. After he had seen Erwin the night before and gone home, he could only think of that syringe against Erwin's only arm. He had to take a much higher dose just to drown out the vision of Erwin's face as he lay dying on that roof. 

“Darling?” Erwin asked cautiously. The word brought some focus back to Levi's eyes, and he blinked as if he had forgotten Erwin was there. 

“Take me to the hospital,” Levi mumbled weakly. Erwin nodded firmly, not waiting for Levi to say another word before he leaned away and lowered the man to his feet. When Levi was on his feet again, he pushed away from the wall and began leading the way back to the car. Levi stooped and picked up his hoodie on their way back. He dug around in the pocket for his pack of cigarettes before dropping the filthy article back to the ground. Erwin stooped and picked up the hoodie, not willing to let it litter the parking garage. 

When they were back at the car, Levi leaned against the trunk and lit a cigarette he had put in his mouth. 

“You can smoke in the car,” Erwin said. Levi leaned away from the trunk, and they went to their respective sides, opening the car doors. They both sat down, and Erwin turned on the car. He tossed Levi's dirty hoodie in the back seat. Levi rolled the window down and then closed his door. Erwin followed, and put the car in reverse.

“Buckle up,” Erwin said quietly. Obediently, Levi buckled up. 

The drive to the hospital took long enough that Erwin worried that Levi would change his mind. But now there was still a steady stream of tears running down Levi's face. He seemed to not even notice they were there. The hand that was holding his cigarette was shaking. He was coming down fast. Erwin had put his hand back on Levi's thigh, and Levi held to it tightly with his free hand.

When they made it to the hospital, Levi didn't move from his seat. Erwin couldn't wait though. He left his side of the car and opened Levi's door for him. Carefully, Levi stepped out. 

When Levi stood up right, Erwin linked his arm in Levi's and escorted him into the hospital. 

Once inside the Emergency Room, Levi found a place to sit, and Erwin went to the desk to pick up the paperwork. He also told the desk nurse that he was bringing in a detox patient. 

“When did he last use?” 

“Let me find out for you,” Erwin offered. He left the desk with the clipboard of paperwork and sat next to Levi. With Levi's answers, Erwin filled out the paperwork. It comforted him that Levi allowed him to fill out all of the paperwork, even his social security number. 

“When did you last use?” Erwin was still smiling when he asked the question very calmly. Levi rubbed his forehead. 

“Five hours and ten minutes ago,” Levi said after glancing at the clock. Erwin nodded. So Levi counted down to the minutes. 

“Dosage,” Erwin said. 

“A lot,” Levi murmured. Erwin leaned over and kissed the top of Levi's head. 

“Just heroin?” 

“Some coke too,” Levi admitted. 

“Consensually?” Erwin asked. Levi glared at him then, and Erwin looked away. He had pushed too far, again. 

“I'm going to take this back over there, and I'll be right back,” Erwin assured him. Levi nodded and his head hung heavily. It was probably already hurting. Erwin stood from his chair and went back to the desk nurse. 

“Five hours,” Erwin said as he handed the paperwork back to her. “ And ten minutes.” The nurse eyed him, incredulous. “He says he took a lot of heroin, but I don't know what that means. He's also used some cocaine recently.” 

“Are his pupils still pinned?” 

“They are,” he confirmed. She nodded and made a note of it. 

“We've still got some time then,” the nurse said. “Triage will take him back soon. Are you family?” 

“I'm his partner,” Erwin said. The nurse nodded and checked the emergency contact page. At first, the nurse scanned Erwin, from his eyes to his arms. Erwin thought she was looking for signs to see if he was also using. Her eyes paused at the fresh bite mark that was visible from under the neckline of his shirt, but she didn't ask about it. “This is a relapse,” Erwin offered. Understanding washed over her face then. 

“Alright. Insurance?” Erwin reached in his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. He opened it and pulled out the credit card with the highest limit. It had barely ever been used. He put it on the desk in front of the nurse. 

“He doesn't have any,” Erwin said. Erwin explained when she looked puzzled. Then, she nodded anyway. It only took her a moment to put the card information in the computer. When she was finished, she handed the card back to Erwin. She handed him a bedpan in case Levi needed to vomit. Erwin took it with a whisper of thanks. 

“Please have a seat, and we'll call you back soon,” she said. Erwin smiled at her and turned to go back to Levi. 

When he sat down, Levi looked up at him. Levi's legs were bouncing nervously. Erwin put the bedpan in the chair to his right so it would be close if Levi needed it. 

“Erwin,” Levi muttered. 

“Yes, darling,” Erwin said. He leaned down close to Levi so he wouldn't have to raise his voice. His head must be killing him. 

“I want you to leave when I go back,” Levi said. His eyes were firm, and Erwin felt hot suddenly. His pupils were dilated properly again. Whatever was left of the drugs in Levi's system were fading fast. 

“Levi-” 

“I'm serious,” Levi said. His legs stopped bouncing.

“I don't care what it takes-” 

“I know,” Levi insisted quietly, trying to keep his voice low. “I care.” The hurt in Erwin's eyes was obvious. 

“But as soon as you're done you'll go to rehab,” Erwin argued. “And I won't get to see you until you're done.” 

“I have to do this by myself,” Levi said. “You can email me. I don't have a steady phone line.” Erwin's jaw clenched. 

“I want to support you,” Erwin asserted. “Let me stay with you.” Anger was flaring in his chest, and he had to maintain his calm. If he lost his temper, Levi could very well walk out of the hospital, and Erwin could do nothing to stop him. Levi's will wavered for only a moment, and his eyes dropped to the floor. But then the nausea rolled over him. It reminded him of last time. 

“You can help,” Levi said. “Just email me. Write me as much as you can. But if you're around then I can't focus on me.” Erwin inhaled deeply and released a frustrated breath. He pulled out the new phone he had bought and began moving his thumb over the screen. The other phone had already been disconnected, reported stolen, and his new phone had been running by 0800. He had been planning to be with Levi all day, no matter the circumstances. 

In a moment, he offered the phone to Levi. 

“Make the password and tell me what it is,” Erwin demanded. Levi took and phone and looked at it. Erwin was creating a new email account. The name on the account was Erwin Levi. The username was commanderandcaptain. Levi typed in the password he could remember. Darling and a few numbers, their old birthdays. Erwin watched Levi type in the password, and then he took the phone back. He finished creating the account. “So when you want to write me, just send an email to yourself using this account,” Erwin instructed. “Then you'll be able to see when I've read it.” 

Levi nodded. 

“Alright,” he agreed. Erwin sat back in the chair and wrapped his arm around the back of Levi's chair. Now Levi was leaning forward, holding his stomach. His legs hadn't been bouncing anymore. The nausea was always the first part. A few days from now he would be a sweating, freezing, vomiting, spasming, insomniac. If they put anything near him that could be used as a weapon, he would find a way to use it against himself or anyone else near him. They would have to restrain him again. The paranoia was rising. 

“Landon Armstrong,” the triage nurse called. Levi lifted his head and looked in her direction. Erwin was next to his ear then. 

“I'll walk you over there,” Erwin offered. Levi wanted to deny it, but he wanted the help too. He nodded. Erwin stood, and carefully Levi stood with him. Erwin held his hand while he walked to the triage nurse. The smile on her face was sickening. 

“Mr. Armstrong,” the nurse said cheerfully. Levi cursed under his breath, but Erwin heard it anyway. He turned to Levi and kissed the top of his head. 

“He doesn't want me to stay,” Erwin explained. “He hasn't allowed me to be part of any of his previous detoxes,” Erwin blatantly lied. But he needed to look like a concerned partner if he wanted them to keep him informed. “If he needs anything at all, I'm his emergency contact.” The nurse nodded and opened her arm to Levi. Levi glared at her. “It's alright, darling,” Erwin assured him. “I'm only a phone call away.” 

Levi looked up at him one last time. Erwin was smiling down at him gently. 

“You can do this,” Erwin said. Levi nodded once and walked past the nurse without allowing her to touch him. The feeling of Levi's hand slipping away made the fire of obstinance rise in Erwin's back bone. He focused all of his willpower on what Levi had asked of him. Erwin stood in place while the nurse closed the door behind them. 

That's when Erwin turned and walked away. He walked quickly out of the building. Once he was outside of the building, he sprinted back to his car. If he didn't run, he wouldn't make it. 

When he was in his car, he was breathing heavily. Not from the run, but the stress. It was damn near unbearable. He leaned forward and rested his head against the steering wheel. 

_“You can do this,”_ Erwin repeated to himself, in his head. _“He'll come back.”_ His mind was racing. _“He won't make it. You'll never see him again. He'll detox and relapse again.. He'll go back to that other man. You'll never get him back. It will kill him. Why didn't you kiss him again, you idiot?”_

Erwin's phone rang. It was Mike. He swiped and ignored the call. Then, he dug his forehead into the steering wheel again. 

_“Stop saying that. He'll be fine, Erwin. We've been through so much worse. Levi can do this. He's the strongest man you know.”_

The phone rang again. Erwin looked at it. Mike again. He ignored the call. 

_“Go back. Levi needs you now more than ever. He has always tried to push you away, and you've never given in. Don't stop now.”_

The phone rang again. It was still Mike. Erwin answered. 

“Hello?” His voice broke.

“Erwin!” Erwin smiled weakly. Mike had remembered. 

“Mike.” 

“Nanaba works at fucking Taco Bell,” Mike laughed. “The fucking fourth meal shift! We never eat fourth meal. She's been there for two years, Erwin!” 

“No kidding,” Erwin said. His mind was considering why he had only remembered when he saw Levi. Now Mike had remembered when he had found Nanaba again. 

“We've fucked four times!” Erwin's cringed and couldn't speak. “Erwin?”

“Mike, please,” Erwin said. Mike didn't say anything for a minute. He knew what, or rather who, Erwin was thinking about. After he had seen Nanaba, all of his memories had returned, including the ones he had of Erwin and Levi. 

“We'll go get Levi tonight, alright?” Mike offered. Erwin's breath shuttered, and he closed his eyes. The steering wheel was digging into his skin so much now that it hurt. He realized that he had been grinding his forehead into the leather. “What's wrong, Erwin?” The tone in Mike's voice was serious and familiar. 

“I just dropped Levi off at the hospital,” Erwin said, his voice like gravel in his own ears. “For detox.” 

“Oh, God,” Mike moaned. He paused. “Dropped him off?” 

“He won't let me stay,” Erwin's voice cracked, and he had to swallow to wet his dry mouth. “I wanted to stay.” 

“What hospital?” 

******

Mike rode up in a taxi, thirty minutes later. Nanaba crawled out of the backseat behind him. Mike walked slowly over to the car, but Nanaba ran. Erwin was sitting in the driver's seat with his head against the headrest now. There was a red mark on his forehead from digging it into the steering wheel so long. He hoped it would bruise. 

Mike opened the driver side door. 

“Get in the back seat,” Mike ordered. Erwin clenched his jaw and nodded. Nanaba opened the passenger door then. She crawled into the car and reached over the center console to wrap her arms around Erwin's neck. 

He lowered his head into the crook of her neck and shoulder. She was wearing a soft perfume, something Mike would've loved. Nanaba rubbed the back of his head, mussing up his hair. Erwin put his arms gently around her waist. 

“Commander Erwin,” she muttered. Hearing his old rank made him uncomfortable. There's was nothing about him in that moment that was Commanderly. “I'm so sorry.” Erwin closed her eyes, and his eyelashes grazed her skin. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. Nanaba pulled away and wiped some tears from her eyes. Her hand stayed on his shoulder. 

“He's going to be fine,” she assured him. “He'll be back with you in just a few short months, Commander.” Nanaba winced. She hadn't meant to call him that, twice now. Erwin nodded and wiped his face. His hand came back wet. Maybe they were Nanaba's tears.

That's when he leaned out of the car and moved for Mike to get into the driver's seat. Erwin moved to the back of the car, opened the door and crawled in. He didn't bother sitting up properly. Instead, he sprawled out across the back seat. 

Mike and Nanaba drove him home while he stared at the ceiling of the car. It was a slow drive, and it gave him time to think. 

“I'm changing my major,” Erwin's voice filled the silence in the car. 

“Me too,” Mike said. “What have you decided?” 

“Education,” Erwin said. 

“What subject?” Nanaba asked.

“History.” She nodded. “What did you decide, Mike?” 

“Mechanical engineering,” Mike said. “I'm going to recreate our 3DMG for fun in my future garage.” Erwin smiled and wiped at his face. His hand still came back wet. So he was actually weeping now. He couldn't feel it.

“Sounds fun,” he said weakly. Erwin pulled his phone out of his pocket and began writing an email to the account he shared with Levi. He began describing his day. Mike found Nanaba. How much it hurt to leave Levi. Erwin put plenty of encouragement in the email even though Levi wouldn't see it for several days. Maybe a few weeks. Certainly, he would write back soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to sithiere, for beta reading this chapter. <3 
> 
>  
> 
> [My tumblr](http://valisi-clark.tumblr.com/)


	3. Release

Nine days after Levi was admitted to the hospital, the doctor walked into the room Levi had been using. She smiled when she saw he was on the floor doing push-ups, already dressed to leave. 

“Mr. Armstrong,” she said. When he pushed up from the floor, Levi stopped, and waited. He almost had not recognized his own name. “We're ready to release you.” Levi stood from the floor then and looked at her. “Do you have any questions about your detox? Or further recovery?” Levi shook his head and went to the little bathroom on his left to wash his hands. 

The doctor thought his behavior had been strange since he had passed the peak of his detox. He had been quiet, barely communicating any time that he was asked any questions. He washed his hands a lot now. It could be the very first signs of OCD. Levi adjusted his white, sleeveless undershirt when he came out of the bathroom. He wished he still had his hoodie, but it had been left in Erwin's car. 

“Well, I've collected some pamphlets and information for you to further your recovery. I've also pulled some information for local rehabilitation facilities,” the doctor paused then and looked at Levi. There wasn't any response. He was standing in front of her, arms crossed, disinterested. “And I've written a prescription for some anti-anxiety medication. I can't give you methadone to take with you, but I've given you a list of free clinics in the area.” 

“I can't pay for the pills,” Levi said. 

“We'll add the medicine to your bill,” the doctor said. “Your partner has explained your situation.” Levi bristled at the mention of Erwin. The doctor stepped forward and held the paperwork out to Levi. He took it and the top page was a list of Narcotics Anonymous meeting places. “Even if you opt out of rehabilitation, then you should definitely still consider group therapy.” Levi shook his head. “Hear me out,” the doctor said. He lifted his head and looked her in the eye. “When you go to one of these meetings, you don't have to say anything. They have free coffee and sometimes doughnuts, I think. So if anything, you'll get a hot drink and you can hear people talk about having the same problem that you do. You aren't special. Lots of people have been in your shoes.” 

_“I'm not special,”_ Levi thought. Suddenly, the doctor was making a lot more sense. Erwin shouldn't have just thrown a credit card down for Levi's detox. It was going to be ridiculously expensive. 

“Also,” the doctor added. “If you're so uncomfortable with your partner paying for your treatment, you should bring your VA identification card with you if you have to come back. Or go to the VA hospital. I'm guessing we were the closest hospital to you at the time.” Levi nodded. 

_“I lost my ID anyway,”_ Levi thought. The doctor was waiting for an answer. “If I need another copy of my Veteran's ID, what can I do?” Levi asked. 

“You can probably find the information online,” the doctor said. “Do you have a library card?” Levi nodded. She smiled. “Then you have everything you need. Don't ever come back, alright?” Levi held the paperwork in one hand and offered his other hand for her to shake. The doctor met the hand, and they shook. Levi took his hand back and walked past the doctor to go check out. He had to stop by the financial office on his way out to make sure Erwin's credit card cleared. 

While Levi was sitting in front of the hospital worker's desk, she listed out the services and charges. The more she listed, the more nervous Levi became. She even gave him the grand total, and his chest tightened. 

“Your payment has cleared, and you're balance is zero,” the woman said. She smiled at him. He nodded and stood. “The pharmacy for your medicine is right down the hall, sir.” Levi went to pick up his medicine and was surprised to find the doctor had given him Clonazepam, the generic for Klonopin. She must have known he could sell it, but she thought he needed it badly enough that she gave it to him anyway. He wondered why she thought he was so anxious. There were 25 pills in the bottle. Levi held the bottle in his hand while he began walking out of the hospital, considering how much money he could get for them. 

When Levi was outside of the hospital building, he rolled up the paperwork and held it in one hand while he walked. The pill bottle was shoved into the front pocket of his jeans. He already knew what he needed to do. 

Traffic was heavy in the city, and it took him a while to get to the apartment where he had been staying. He pulled his keys out of his pocket and unlocked the door. When he opened the door, he stopped and listened first. There wasn't anyone moving around that he could hear. Levi stepped into the apartment fully and closed the door behind him. Still no response. He looked around the place he had been living. It was disgusting. The walls were yellowed from the smoke of cigarettes and neglect. There were cockroaches in the tiny kitchen, picking at any food they could find. Most of them had collected in the sink around some dirty dishes. 

Levi crossed the tiny apartment quickly and went into his bedroom. There was a note on the filthy bed. He was too disgusted to pick it up and read it. The sheets were stained and dingy. So he stood as close to the bed as he could without touching it and read it while standing. 

_Landon,_

_Barry and David owe me money. Fix it. Thanks, babe._

_-Randy_

Levi cringed. 

_“How did I even sleep in that shit pile?”_ He moved away from the bed and went to the tiny closet he used. It took some shuffling, but he found his assault pack soon enough. It would be big enough to hold everything he needed. He stuffed the paperwork and pills that the doctor had given him into the bag. Levi packed a few changes of clothes and couldn't find anything else he wanted. He found another black hoodie, and put it on, sliding the sleeves up to the crooks of his elbows. The insides of his arms had been healing nicely. Some of his larger scabs still needed some time. 

Then he stepped back from the closet and went to the chest of drawers. He opened the top drawer and packed some underwear and socks. He reached to the back of the drawer, past it, and grabbed his emergency stash of cash that was taped to the back of the drawer. Levi stuffed the money into one of the pockets deep in his assault pack. He zipped up and put it on his back. 

After Levi left the bedroom, he stopped in the bathroom. Randy was passed out in a tub of cold water. Levi took his time and looked at the man, wondering why he had ended up with Randy in the first place. The man's thin dark hair was sprawled out behind his head, and he wasn't attractive in the least. But he had dope, and that's what had mattered to Levi at the time. Randy was a lot older than Levi, but Levi was smarter, in general. He was more dangerous than Randy, and he had made sure Randy never had to opportunity to forget it. Levi furrowed his brow. It made sense to him now why he had never let Randy fuck him, no matter how much Randy begged. Of course, Levi had completely lost interest in sex a couple of years ago, before he even met Randy. He was so high all of the time that he couldn't even focus on fucking. Occasionally, he would blow Randy if he thought it would get Randy to leave him alone for another few months or so. 

_“Stop thinking so much,”_ Levi told himself. _“You have an objective.”_

When he passed the tub, he reached down and felt of Randy's wrist that was hanging over the edge. There was a pulse. He dropped the man's arm and grabbed his toothbrush, toothpaste and comb from the bathroom counter. Levi slipped out of his assault pack, unzipped a pocket and began filling it with things he needed from the bathroom. When he looked in the mirror, he stopped moving. He hadn't realized how much better he looked. Now, he looked warm and alert. His healthy appearance stood out in contrast to the sick looking apartment around him. He was aware of what was going on around him, really aware. Levi reached up and felt of the long hair pulled up into a bun on his head. It would have to be cut. He opened the drawer he used in the bathroom cabinet and took out his hair grooming tools to pack them. 

When Levi had packed everything he could think of, he zipped up and put the assault pack on his back again. He left the apartment, and felt like he left a huge weight behind him. The only thing he had to carry now was his assault pack. 

Levi walked directly to the library. He was glad for the air conditioning. The walk from the apartment to the library had been hot, and he was sweating already. 

First, Levi went by the circulation desk and asked to use a computer in one of the cubicles rather than one that was against the wall and could be seen easily. The librarian checked her computer and made the reservation. She directed him to the cubicle he could use, and he nodded. He then asked for some scratch paper and a pencil. The librarian handed him the supplies. 

Levi left the desk and went to the computer reserved for him. When he sat down in the little cubicle, he signed into the computer with his library card and pulled up the web browser. The first thing he searched for was a homeless shelter. He pulled up Google maps and memorized the map, writing down some simple directions and an address. Then he looked for soup kitchens and food banks, and took notes. 

When he thought he would have shelter and food for the next few days, he searched for banks. With a little bit of research, he decided on four banks to deposit his money and wrote down their names and addresses. He only had $600 that he had collected over time in case he ever decided to leave Randy again, but Levi knew that is he relapsed he would spend every bit of it. So he needed to spread it out geographically and make it kind of difficult to reach. Also, banks would typically be closed late at night, when his cravings were the worst. There had been quite a few times that he had depleted all of the money he had saved and had to start over throughout the year and a half that he had been living with Randy. He left quite a few times, enough that Randy really didn't care if he came back or not most of the time, unless he needed something. 

Then Levi pulled the paperwork out of his assault pack, and looked at the list of NA meeting places. He chose a church that was located between the library and the homeless shelter. Levi Googled the address and looked at the building so he would recognize it. The meeting wasn't until after sundown. Levi looked at the clock on the computer. It would take him all day to walk to all of the banks that he had chosen, so he wouldn't be tempted to find anything else to do. 

When Levi couldn't think of anything else to do, he sat in front of the computer, staring at the screen. 

_“There's something else,”_ Levi thought. _“Something else I meant to do.”_ He worried his bottom lip with his teeth, thinking. _“Something about Erwin.”_ Levi sat back in the chair and stared at the ceiling, crossing his arms. He squinted at the tiles of the drop ceiling. Erwin had told him something the day they went to the hospital. _“Email.”_ He sat back up in the chair and went to Gmail. He typed in the username and then he struggled with the password a couple of times. Eventually, he was able to enter the account. There were two unread messages. Levi clicked on the first one. 

_October 15, 2012_

_Darling,_

_I just left you at the hospital today. I trust you when you say that you need to focus on yourself, Levi._

_Mike found Nanaba today. They're already bickering about something stupid._

_I'm changing my major in school. I understand everything now, Levi. I know why I've made certain decisions up until now. I was looking for you._

_I wish you would have let me stay with you, Levi. Make good use of your time, alright?_

_I love you._

Levi clicked back in the browser and opened up the other email. 

 

_October 18, 2012_

_Darling,_

_It's been a few days since I left you at the hospital. My research says that you are at your most critical point in your detox. You can do this, Levi. We're going to be okay._

_I miss you. I'm tempted to write several times a day, but I don't want to overwhelm you with messages when you check this account. Everything can be simple, as easy as you want it to be._

_I'm excited about the classes I will be taking next semester. My adviser is going to make the transition very easy for me, I think. I'm on course to graduate on time. Thankfully, Mike and I have only been in school for a little over two years and working on our general classes so far. Switching majors at this point isn't very difficult. We may have to take some extra classes for one or two semesters in case we've missed something._

_I'm ready for you to come home._

_Nanaba has already moved in with us. It's nice to have her around. We don't need her income, but she buys groceries anyway. The money my parents have given me pays most of the bills. That's odd to say though. I know I've had parents before, but being taken care of still seems strange. I feel so much older. Do you feel older than your physical body now, Levi?_

_I'm much more secretive than I was before I knew who we really were. I'm reluctant to talk to anyone about anything. Mike has mentioned that I don't talk to him as much. I don't know what to say._

_I miss talking to you. You have always been my favorite confidant. My only one._

_I know you're doing well. Better, I mean._

_Write me when you can. Write me before you go to rehab. Tell the hospital to transfer my credit card to the institution you choose. If they won't, I can send you the information._

_I love you._

Levi clicked the back button in the browser again and marked the messages as Unread. He didn't have time to respond to Erwin, and he didn't want Erwin to think he was ignoring him. It would have to wait. 

Levi signed out of everything, picked up his scratch paper and pencil. He stuffed them both in the assault pack and put the pack on his shoulders before walking out of the library. 

Levi made his first stop at the methadone clinic. It took a while to get into the system, but he had all day to wait until the meeting. The clinic worker gave him a very small dose, and he took it in front of her, swallowing it dry. She also gave him some paperwork about what not to mix with methadone and a list of the signs of methadone's adverse effects. 

Then, it took Levi several hours to walk all over the city to the banks he had chosen. At the first one, he opened a checking account and a savings account and put $100 in each of them. When the bank worker had asked Levi for an address to send his debit card to, Levi knew he couldn't admit he was homeless. But he was quick on his feet. He had already sized the guy up, and saw a weakness. Misogyny. Levi had caught on to it when a female coworker had very politely interrupted the man during their discussion of Levi's account choices. He had looked so annoyed and even snapped at her. 

“I'll be honest with you, man,” Levi whispered to the guy. “My wife is a gambling addict. So I don't want it mailed to my house. Is there a way we can work around that?” The bank worker smiled and nodded. 

“I'll just have it sent here, Mr. Armstrong, and you can come pick it up in a few days. Mrs. Armstrong doesn't have to know your business,” the man said. He began typing on his computer again. Levi smiled, with his teeth. 

“What a pal,” Levi said to the man. It was such a smooth lie, so ironic, that he couldn't help but be a little proud. He wondered what Erwin would think. He wondered if Erwin would be proud. When Levi left the bank, he was tempted to go back to the library and write Erwin about what he had done. He still had several places he needed to go first. 

In the other three banks, he opened a savings account and deposited $100 in each. Between banks, Levi had to find a place to rest. He ended up accidentally napping on a park bench once. The methadone was obviously still working, but at the clinic they started him on a smaller dose than he had at the hospital. He could tell the difference. Even if he was still feeling sleepy, he was definitely still craving dope. But the clinic worker had promised that if he continued to crave it, they could negotiate raising his dosage. 

When Levi rested after visiting the final bank, he went to the grocery store for some peanut butter, bread and a liter of water. He bought plastic knives to spread the peanut butter. After Levi had some of his bread and peanut butter, he made his way to a convenience store to buy cigarettes and a liter of cold water. Cold water was so nice. He remembered they didn't have it in their first life. 

The sun was about to set, and Levi walked to the church for the meeting while he smoked. He was glad he had kept the assault pack for so long. There hadn't really ever been a time that he had considered throwing it out, but it was the most comfortable bag he had ever carried. It was designed to be worn for a long period of time. 

When he reached the church, he walked around the back of the building and saw the door that the paperwork had described. He didn't have a phone or a watch, and he didn't really know what time it was. So he chose a place near the door where he could lean or squat and wait until he saw someone pass by. He crushed his cigarette against the ground and pocketed the filter. 

Levi waited so long that he decided to take his pack off and let his shoulders rest. Then, he fell asleep. He hadn't intended to do that, but he was pretty exhausted from walking so much. He continued to lean against the wall and nap until he saw several people walking down the alley by the church. When they walked up the door, Levi stood upright and put his pack back on his shoulders. He walked towards the open door, and an older man held it open for him. He didn't acknowledge the gesture. His brain was foggy.

He followed the strangers down the hallway and saw them turn into a room on the left. They were chattering happily, and Levi really hoped that he wouldn't have to hear that for the entire meeting. He was now imagining that it would be like a party or a get-together, where people just stood around drinking coffee and yammering at each other. 

Before Levi went into the room where the meeting would be, he found a bathroom and he pissed and washed his hands. Really, he wanted a sink bath, but he would have to wait. He did take the time to apply some more deodorant, a bit self-conscious about smelling. When he had finished putting on his deodorant, he looked in the mirror and adjusted his hair. The hair tie was loose so he pulled it out and let his hair fall. He held the tie in his teeth while he pulled his hair back up. After he tied it in place, Levi reached up and felt of the stubble on his face. He decided he needed to find out if the homeless shelter had showers. 

Levi left the bathroom and walked into the meeting room. In the center of the room, there were many chairs that were sitting in a circle. There was hot coffee and doughnuts, like the doctor had said, on a table against the back wall. Of course, Levi went for a doughnut, and a small cup of coffee. He put a lot of sugar in the coffee, out of habit. Coffee dehydrates the body, and he didn't want to waste the water he had drank earlier. Sugar made that worse. But he would go back to the bathroom before he left and refill his bottle. He sat down with his treats, and didn't make eye contact with anyone. It took some maneuvering to get his assault pack off his shoulders and onto the floor between his legs with his hands full. The doughnut didn't taste as good as he expected. It was disappointing. He licked the sugary glaze off his fingers, and he still didn't think it tasted correct. 

_“It would've tasted orgasmic if I was stoned,”_ Levi remembered. 

After just a few more minutes, the chairs almost filled up. There were only a few open places. The door was closed, and a man spoke up. 

“Alright,” he said cheerfully. “Good evening everyone,” the man said. Levi cringed. “My name is Derrick, and I'm an addict. Welcome to this meeting of Narcotics Anonymous. I'd like to open this meeting with a moment of silence for those addicts who are still suffering, followed by the Serenity Prayer.” 

Levi kept his eyes open and watched while everyone went silent. Some closed their eyes, and a few were moving their mouths in silent prayers. Then they started the Serenity Prayer, which Levi knew, but chose not to say. 

“Thank you,” Derrick said. “This is a closed NA meeting. Being closed means that it's only for addicts who believe they have a drug problem. If you have mistakenly come to this meeting believing that it is an open meeting, thank you for your interest and please go take a look at the table by the door for information on open meetings.” No one moved. “Alright then. I want to say, special welcome to the newcomers. If this is your first meeting, please feel free to introduce yourself. It's not required, but we just want to get to know you better.” 

There was silence for a while, and Derrick made an effort not look at any one in particular. 

“My name is Allison,” a female said. “And I'm an addict,” she said, sheepishly. She looked young, so young that Levi felt uncomfortable hearing her say the words. She could still be in high school or maybe her first year of college. Everyone said hello, softly, disjointedly. Levi had expected the group to say hello in unison, but they didn't. Some didn't even respond. 

“I'm Landon,” he heard himself say. He had given his legal name purposely. “I'm an addict.” A few people spoke to him, and he nodded. 

“Thank you,” Derrick said with a smile. “Do we have anyone here who has reached 30 days?” Silence. “Anyone from out of town?” More silence. Levi looked at the men and women who had been chattering happily while they walked down the hallway earlier. Now they were quiet, solemn. “For the safety of the group, we ask that if you have any drugs or paraphernalia on you that you leave and dispose of them before returning.” No one moved. Levi wondered if his prescription pills counted, but decided against asking. “Okay,” Derrick said. “Now, we can get to the good part. Kathy has been clean for 90 days,” Derrick said and began clapping. Everyone began clapping lightly and smiling at an older, round woman who looked very happy. She even blushed. “Any other anniversaries I missed?” Derrick looked around, and some shook their heads. “Okay. Kathy, can you read the passage for today?” 

Levi sipped on his coffee while he listened to the motherly looking woman read about NA from a booklet. None of the information was very interesting. When she finished, Derrick nodded. 

“Thank you, Kathy,” Derrick said. “The format for this group is open. Is there anything anyone would like to discuss?” A few raised their hands, and Derrick chose someone whose name Levi didn't hear. 

The man began discussing his relationship with his children. He somehow hadn't noticed how fast they were growing, and he had been feeling guilty for being high during some of their most fun years. Levi didn't really understand what he meant. The man seemed to be really upset about it though. 

After the man finished, and the group discussed it a bit, the man seemed to feel better even though there wasn't an resolution. It wasn't as if he could turn back time and do things right. They discussed forgiving yourself. Levi looked around the circle of people and saw a young woman was crying. 

“Jeanie,” Derrick said. “Would you like to add something?” Jeanie shook her head and wiped her eyes with some tissues she had brought. Derrick nodded, and asked someone else what they would like to share. 

A young woman began, and she was discussing work. She had told one of her coworkers about her addiction and recovery, thinking the person was trustworthy, and instead the person had spread it around the office. So the woman was feeling displaced and shunned, convinced that they were treating her differently. When asked, she couldn't choose any specific examples, but Levi understood what she meant. He understood the shame. 

_“Fuck that bitch. You should kick her ass,”_ Levi thought at the woman. She continued to explain how displaced and shamed she felt in her workplace. 

It reminded him of seeing Erwin. Erwin had been encouraging the entire time, and Levi still felt shame. The layers of their relationship were too complex. Not only did they have this life, they had an entire other life that they had shared as Commander and Captain. They were lovers then. But the difference between that life and this one was so vast. Levi was strong back then, the strongest in fact. Now he was weak. Insignificant. Junkie. 

Levi leaned over and put his elbows on his knees, lost in thought while the group discussed the woman's feelings about shame, empathizing with her. He finished off his coffee. When there had been a bit of resolution for the woman, Derrick spoke up again. 

“I know there are others that would like to share, but I really think we need to hear from you Jeanie,” Derrick said. Levi looked up and in the direction of the woman who was still weeping. “You seem to be struggling.” 

Jeanie began talking, and at first Levi felt like he was missing part of the story. Jeanie wasn't making a lot of sense. 

“I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child,” Derrick said. “And I don't know if I would ever be able to forgive myself either.” Levi felt his hairs stand up on end. 

“But if I hadn't shot up that night he would still be here,” Jeanie sobbed. The people on either side of Jeanie put a hand on her back and began rubbing. His eyes darted to Derrick again, who was either at a loss or waiting. “I killed him,” Jeanie cried. Levi's eyes were bouncing back and forth between Derrick and Jeanie, waiting for Jeanie to explode or for Derrick to smooth things over. He felt tension in his chest. 

_“Say something to make her stop, you asshole,”_ Levi thought at Derrick. 

“It was an accident,” someone said. “You may have never gotten clean if you hadn't gone to prison. That was a gift.” Jeanie nodded, and wiped at her face with her tissue. 

“I know they would've taken him from me anyway,” Jeanie said, calmer now. “But he would still be alive. I wouldn't have rolled over on him and smothered him. He would've been four this year.” Levi felt horror and pity flash over his face, and he decided to look at the floor so no one would see it. 

“We've all injured people,” Derrick offered. “To varying degrees.” Levi nodded, thinking about the things he had done to people. While he definitely couldn't empathize with Jeanie's personal pain, he knew what it was like to harm people. He corrected the thought. He knew what it was like to kill people. Not children, but he had definitely taken lives before. Maybe that was justified by war, but there were still families without husbands and fathers because of him. “Would any of the newcomers like to share?” Levi didn't look up. 

“I've been clean for two weeks,” Allison said. “But today I caught myself searching my dealers name on Facebook. I found his profile.” 

“Did you contact him?” Derrick asked after Allison had paused for a while. 

“No,” Allison said. Everyone clapped. Levi peeked up and saw even Jeanie was clapping, with a sad smile. She looked a little better even if all of her makeup had run down her face. Levi looked back down at the floor and ran a hand over his hair. He missed having short hair then. When he put his hand in his hair, it made the hair tie loosen. It irritated him. 

“Very good. That takes strength. What caused you to look for him?” Derrick asked. 

“I was sleeping with him too,” Allison said. “I love him. I think. Or maybe I love the dope.” 

“It's hard to tell the difference,” Derrick said. 

“Yeah,” Allison agreed. “I don't even know if he made me laugh or if I was just that high,” she said with a light voice. A few people chuckled. Levi rubbed at his face nervously. 

“Anything for you, Landon?” Derrick asked. 

“No,” Levi said, without lifting his head. 

“Alright,” Derrick said. “We've still got some time left. Anyone else?” A few people began discussing their relationships. It didn't sound like they were looking for resolution, they just wanted a safe space to bitch about their spouse or partner. Most of the discussion surrounded the idea of trust issues. Either their partner didn't trust them, or they didn't trust their partner to trust them. It was very confusing. The entire time, Levi could only think about Erwin. 

_“If I get near him,”_ Levi thought. _“If I relapse near him, I'll take things from him. I'll lie to him. It's like all of these people are saying. I'll take whatever I can from him just to get high, and, rightfully, Erwin won't trust me as much. But as Captain, I can't let that happen. If he can't trust me, we can't accomplish anything.”_

“That's about all of the time we have,” Derrick said. “Anything else? Announcements for any activities?” The group was silent while they listened to someone discuss upcoming events. That's when Levi realized he had nervously been pulling on his nose ring while he was thinking. He stopped fiddling with it, and sat upright in the chair, looking around, ready to leave. “Good group everyone! We'll pass around the basket and see you next week.” 

Levi watched what they were doing as they passed around the basket. He realized what was happening, and leaned over his assault pack between his legs to pull out a dollar. They were collecting money for the coffee. When the basket came around, Levi tossed a dollar in and passed it along. He zipped up his pack and stood, slinging it on his back. 

Quickly, Levi left the room. He tossed his coffee cup in the trash and went to the bathroom. After filling up his water bottle, he took a few swallows from it, then refilled it to the top again. While he had his pack off, he pulled out the scratch paper that he had written addresses and information on earlier. The directions to the homeless shelter took him down a lot of streets that he wasn't completely familiar with though. Levi folded up the paper and put it back in his pack before he zipped up and put it back on his back. He would figure it out. 

Levi left the bathroom and began walking down the hallway to the outside door. When he opened the back door, he took his cigarette pack out of his jeans pocket and opened it. He popped the menthol capsule in the filter before he lifted it to his mouth. Holding the cigarette in his mouth, he struck his lighter and leaned into the flame. The first breath felt excellent. He hadn't been able to breath properly for the entire meeting. Levi exhaled and watched the smoke fade into the air. 

“Hey, Landon,” that was Derrick's voice. Levi turned around. “Nice to meet you.” Derrick offered his hand, and Levi shook it. “I normally try to talk to newcomers, just as a gesture to encourage you to come back. You move fast though,” Derrick smiled. Automatically, Levi sized Derrick up. He was taller. Not as tall as Erwin. Dark hair, dark eyes, tanned skin, freckles, and a lean build. It would be easy to kick his ass. Levi didn't know why he still analyzed people so closely. “So are you going to come back?” 

“Yeah,” Levi said. He dragged on his cigarette again, and Derrick started reaching into his pocket for his own pack. He pulled out a cigarette and put it in his mouth. Then he started patting his long pockets for his lighter. Levi was faster, and he struck his own lighter. Derrick leaned into the flame and nodded with a mumble of thanks.

“So you're a veteran?” Derrick asked, exhaling the smoke. Levi nodded. “What branch?” 

“Marines,” Levi said. 

“Thank you for your service,” Derrick said. Levi didn't understand that phrase. 

There was no response for it. Most people were just trying to acknowledge that veterans had done an unsavory job, and they were grateful that they didn't have to do it themselves. Military service was something to be proud of, but he wasn't, not really. He was more proud of killing Titans than men. But there wasn't much of a difference between Titans and humans anyway. He just found that out too late. 

Levi dragged on his cigarette again. He felt so fucking bitter, and he hated it. Shooting up sounded amazing right then. He wished he could talk to Erwin. Then, he remembered that he had already decided he would wait until he could be sure that he wouldn't injure Erwin in the process of his recovery. But then he thought about shooting up again. The cycle repeated a few times. Erwin. Dope. Erwin. Smack. Erwin. Heroin. Erwin. 

“Landon,” Derrick said. Levi looked up. “I said I brought this for you.” Levi looked down at Derrick's hand. He was holding a little white book, the NA book. “And I've got a book of daily meditations you can have too. I'll just bring it next time.” Levi nodded and took the little paperback. He held his cigarette between his lips while he flipped through it. Some people began exiting the door behind Derrick then, and Levi watched them walk. He reached up and took the cigarette out of his mouth, exhaling smoke. Allison and Jeanie were talking and walking. Levi's eyes raised to Derrick's then. “Do you need a sponsor?” 

“Hmm?” Levi's brows furrowed. 

“A sponsor is someone you can call when you feel shitty,” Derrick said. “You basically just pick someone from group that you like or want to talk to. It's just a more personal support system.” Derrick flicked his cigarette with his thumb, a lot. Levi flicked his own cigarette, and lifted it to his lips, dragging. “I've been clean for almost five years, and I still call my sponsor every year on my mom's birthday.” Levi exhaled smoke, thinking. 

_“Mom?”_ Levi wondered. He hadn't thought of her for a while. “I don't have a phone,” Levi said. “Speaking of that,” Levi added. “just point me in the general direction of the shelter. I wrote down directions, but I don't know the streets I wrote down very well.” 

“Oh, yeah,” Derrick said. He turned and pointed in a few directions, explaining to Levi the best, well lit, streets to take. Levi nodded, understanding and liking Derrick's directions better than what he had written down. Levi took a final drag on his cigarette and looked around for a butt can or trash can. He didn't see one so he just wiggled the cigarette in his fingers until the burning tip and the tobacco fell out of the casing. He pocketed the filter to throw away later. 

“See you next week,” Levi said, nodding at Derrick. Derrick smiled at him. 

“See you then,” he said. Levi walked past Derrick to take the directions to the homeless shelter. While he walked, he thought of Erwin. He wanted to message him back and tell him about group. Levi started thinking about what would happen.

First, Erwin may insist he go to rehab, which he didn't want to do. Rehab wasn't for everyone. It wasn't always the best course of action, despite it being heavily publicized at the only way to get clean. Besides, he could go into deep debt from rehab. If he let Erwin pay for it and then he relapsed, what then? He just keeps repeating the cycle until Erwin either runs out of money or gives up. Wouldn't Erwin eventually get frustrated and decide Levi is beyond saving? Beyond help. He would rather never see Erwin again than have him give up. 

Levi stopped walking and looked around. He took a street to the right, like Derrick had said. 

In their first life, he had an objective that just happened to match getting closer to Erwin. Then, that objective fell through. Erwin had been so far beyond Levi's reasoning skills. He had never met anyone like that. So he joined the Survey Corps to kill Erwin, but he stayed to follow Erwin. 

Of course, his intention had not been to get into Erwin's bed. That had never crossed his mind. He certainly had not expected to create a strong bond with a man that he hated so passionately in the beginning. But Erwin's eyes saw so many glorious things. Even though their situation was dire, Levi could always see the fire burning in Erwin's blue eyes for something better. He relentlessly, ruthlessly chased down any avenue he thought would lead humanity to freedom, no matter how fucking insane it looked from the outside. 

The image of Erwin coming down on him from above in 3DMG flashed in Levi's mind then. He had to stop walking and lean against the wall of a building. That image was so powerful. Erwin wasn't just large in physical size, his energy was all encompassing. Levi felt smothered by it that day Erwin had captured him in the Underground. It had thrown him off just enough to slip up, and then Erwin had gone after his only weakness, friends, his only family. 

Later, he felt it the first time he ever let Erwin touch him like that. Levi swallowed and blinked his eyelids firmly a few times. The first time Erwin had wrapped his hand around Levi's cock, Levi felt like he had never really used his lungs before, not before that first deep, shuddering breath. There had been so much build up to it, and then Levi finally gave in. And Erwin made that surrender so fucking worth it. 

A little over a week ago, Levi had felt that same massive energy around him in the stairwell. He had liked the feeling of the scratchy concrete on his back while Erwin held him up. His mouth watered when he thought about biting Erwin, and the subsequent thrust that had followed. Erwin loved that shit. They would give like that until they would fall apart, absolutely debilitated. Useless. Satisfied, if only for those few moments of afterglow. Because that was one of the few times he could see Erwin as a happy, satiated man instead of an unstoppable, righteous force of freedom. Commander.

Levi shook his head, trying to clear it. He leaned away from the wall and started walking again. The shelter was close now. A few people looked at him suspiciously as he began walking again. 

_“Keep your shit together, Ackerman,”_ Levi told himself. _“ You take care of your own insanity first, and then worry about him. This is a mission.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Editing note 09/19/16: If you have previously read this chapter, you will notice I had to change Levi's prescription from Xanax to Klonopin due to further research of drug efficacy. Klonopin isn't as strong as Xanax, and benzodiazepines are going to play a larger role in this fiction later in the story.


	4. Erwin's Letters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For reference, so you don't have to dig back in Chapter 3: Levi went into the hospital on 10/15/12. Erwin wrote to him on 10/15 and 10/18.

**October 26, 2012**

> Darling,
> 
> I'm having more vivid dreams lately. I can remember so many things from our first life that I think I should have forgotten.
> 
> Levi, did you know that you can't smell when you're asleep? All of your senses can be involved in your dreams except for your sense of smell. For example, if you dream of a pie baking, you can't actually smell the pie in the oven. You just intuitively know that's what it is because it's your own mind creating the scene.
> 
> So, it's normal for me to hear the screams of our soldiers. And seeing their faces and their organs spill from their bodies is predictable. Even feeling the pain of losing my arm is normal for a dream.
> 
> But I can smell in these dreams, Levi. I can smell the blood. It feels so real. It was real. When I wake up, I'm nauseated and I try and push the smell of iron out of my nose. I feel saturated with it.
> 
> Mike and Nanaba have also had some noticeable personality changes. When I come home from school, it's common for me to find Nanaba curled up in Mike's lap on the couch, quietly watching a mind numbing television show. They look like they're holding on to each other, as if they're afraid to lose each other again. Many times I'm tempted to join them just to feel close to someone.
> 
> I can't do that though. My mannerisms are changing to accommodate a Commander's personality again, Levi. I just pass them by and go to my room without a word. I'm denying myself human needs for the sake of a role that doesn't belong to me anymore. I'm isolating myself, and I don't understand the purpose. It just feels right. I still feel like the Commander, Levi. It's still there.
> 
> Are you still my Captain, Levi? If I ordered you to come home and run your fingers through my hair again, would you?
> 
> I want you.

 

**October 31, 2012**

> Levi,
> 
> Mike suggested we go out for Halloween tonight. Someone he knew from one of his classes was having a party, and so we went. I even wore a costume. I dressed as a knight.
> 
> I came home early. Apparently, I don't really enjoy parties anymore. I'd rather be at home.
> 
> I miss you.

 

**November 7, 2012**

> Darling,
> 
> School is too easy now. Even changing my major didn't prove to be challenging enough for me to be entertained. I've picked up the habit of procrastinating on some of my bigger projects just to see what will happen. I want to see if I will succeed or fail under pressure. So far, I'm still maintaining a steady stream of almost perfect scores. That's really not fair. In subjective classes like English, I should at least be able to make a single B. So far, I've been unable to achieve that goal.
> 
> I feel so ungrateful. These young men and women around me are struggling, keeping themselves awake all hours of the night with energy drinks and coffee, only to receive a mediocre score. Then, there's me. I'm questioning whether I want to continue this degree at all. I suppose the only reason teaching appeals to me is because it reminds me of my father.
> 
> Part of why I miss you so much is because you have been one of the only people in my life (lives) who has ever challenged me over anything.
> 
> I miss you, Levi.

 

**November 22, 2012**

> Darling,
> 
> I know you haven't been able to check this account yet. Did you go to rehab, Levi? I haven't been contacted from any of the local places. Don't put yourself in debt for rehab, Levi. Every place I've researched is extremely expensive. I can help.
> 
> Happy Thanksgiving, darling. Nanaba stayed with me and cooked a huge meal. Mike went to see his parents. My parents are in Maui.
> 
> I wish you were here.


	5. Flaccid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eight weeks after detox...

Levi unlocked and opened the door to his tiny, 300 square feet studio apartment. Before he stepped inside, he leaned in and turned on the light switch. The apartment was as he left it. Recently, he had been paranoid about Randy hunting him down or finding him. He didn't know why. Randy had never done that before. Everything was going so well for him recently, he just figured that eventually something wouldn't work out. 

He stepped inside and and closed the door behind him, being sure to lock it. Once he kicked off his shoes, he pushed them against the wall so he could find them easily in the morning. Levi reached into his pocket and took out his cigarettes and phone. He tossed them across the room and they both landed on the twin sized mattress. 

Exhausted, Levi shuffled over to the bathroom and shut the door behind him. He stripped his overalls and underclothes off and tossed them in the hamper before turning on the shower. It felt like his skin was crawling from all of the filth. Sure, he was glad to have the job, but being a garbage collector wasn't a very clean job. Levi reached into the shower and felt of the water. It was hot enough and he stepped in, closing the curtain. He scrubbed at his body until his skin was pink, and he washed his hair twice. That's when he started feeling a little more normal. 

When Levi stepped out of the shower, he grabbed his towel and started drying off. He thought about his situation while he patted at his skin with the towel.

Garbage collection had not been at the top of his list for careers, but he really liked the money. More importantly, he really liked the benefits because he was considered an employee of the city. So most of his medication was actually cheap.

After his first paycheck, Levi signed a lease for an apartment almost immediately. He still had to walk to work, but the apartment building was close to the office where the trucks were stored. It was tiny and overcrowded, but Levi really liked it. Cleaning it had been fun and easy. 

Then, once he felt a little more settled, Levi made an appointment to see the dentist. It felt amazing to have clean teeth again. It had hurt a little bit to have his teeth scraped, but the difference was amazing. And the hygienist had been kind. The dentist had given him the lecture about smoking and what it does to your teeth, but Levi was so happy to be in that chair listening to that asshole blabbering, he didn't mind. If they noticed anything strange about his teeth from drug addiction, they didn't mention it. Surprisingly, his teeth were still in fairly good shape thanks to the Marine Corps straightening them out for him. Only one of the cavities he had was very deep and needed a filling. The rest were superficial. Levi tried to maintain a standard of cleanliness of his home and body between heroin doses, but hygiene and dope don't mix. That's part of why recovery is called “getting clean”. 

Still, he had been so excited that he hadn't absolutely destroyed his teeth that he shared the good news in group. Everyone was very supportive, of course. He still hadn't been able to share anything deeper with them. It just made him feel better to watch the others improve. It gave him hope that he could be like them one day. He hoped he would eventually be able to talk about Erwin in group. 

Levi finished drying off and wrapped the towel around his shoulders to catch the remaining water from his short hair. He stepped out of the bathroom and went to his basket of folded clean clothes outside of the bathroom door. He slipped into a pair of black boxer briefs and walked to the kitchenette across the room. After investigating his sparse cabinets and refrigerator for a while, Levi decided he was too tired to make anything besides a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He made a mental note to buy more potatoes. 

After preparing his meal and getting a red plastic cup full of water, he walked over to the mattress on the floor across the room. It was the only piece of furniture he had purchased. He sat on the mattress with his legs criss-crossed and put his cup of water down on the floor. While he ate, he was very careful not to drop any breadcrumbs anywhere except his paper plate. Levi wondered what Erwin was eating for supper. 

_“Something Nanaba cooked,”_ Levi decided. _“I bet she's a fucking chef. She probably has to beat Mike with a wooden spoon to keep him out of the kitchen when she's cooking.”_ That made Levi smile, to imagine Mike getting bopped with a wooden spoon and an irritated Nanaba. Then, Erwin was standing in the background, smiling. Maybe Erwin was feeling kind of sad, but at least he's not lonely. _“I'm lonely.”_

Levi blinked, remembering that he was trying to eat. He started biting into the sandwich again, whittling it down slowly. It didn't taste very good. He still hadn't discovered anything that tasted as good as it did when he was high. As an afterthought, Levi drank most of his water, but left about a quarter of the cup for later. 

When the sandwich was gone, Levi stood from the bed and walked over to his trash can. He tossed the paper plate, and walked back over to his bed. 

Levi crawled on to the mattress, all the way to the top, and he sat with his back to the wall. He picked up his library book and opened it to the bookmarked page. So far, the mystery novel had been really entertaining. He had to limit himself to two chapters a night, or he would stay up until an unreasonable hour to read. 

After he read two chapters, he was irritated to find that the last chapter he read ended with a cliffhanger, so he checked his phone for the time. Luckily, it was only about 1900. He wanted to read some more. 

The next time Levi thought to check his phone, the clock read 2100. It was bedtime. He marked his new page and set the book on the floor. 

That's when Levi turned his attention to the medicine bottles next to his bed. He poured his anti-depressant and anti-anxiety pills into his hand, making sure to check the labels on the bottles, and swallowed them all at once with two swallows of water. Another thing he was grateful for was his new methadone prescription. He had to lie about when he last used, but he was determined to be clean this time. It was too inconvenient to go to the clinic before or after work, and the doctor at the VA clinic had been sympathetic. The doctor had also prescribed him some more anti-anxiety medicine, an anti-depressant to help with his OCD, and had also suggested some vitamins. When only about an inch of water was left in the cup, Levi put it back down on the floor. 

Levi stood from his bed, crossed the room, turned out the light and walked back to his mattress in the dark. There was enough ambient light from his one window to see his cigarette pack on the bed. He picked it up, pulled a cigarette out and lit it. Levi laid back in bed and stared out the window, looking at the lights outside while he smoked. He ashed into the red plastic cup next to his bed. Those were the moments he thought of Erwin most. 

Throughout the day, Levi was typically distracted enough to not think about Erwin. At night though, when he was laying in bed, it was impossible not to think of him. Levi liked to fantasize about Erwin being happy, being in school and doing what he does best, using that fucking genius brain of his. He knew Erwin was frustrated by the simplicity of his courses, but that only made Levi feel proud for him. He wanted Erwin to be proud of his abilities. Erwin Smith's brain was his sexiest feature. Sure, he was gorgeous, physically sexy as hell, but his brain is what made him special. That was the organ that made Erwin such an amazing lover. 

Levi dragged hard on his cigarette and smacked his lips before he inhaled behind the smoke to force it into his lungs. His mind was wandering into dangerous territory now. Blow jobs in the Commander's office. The door was always unlocked. Meeting at night in the Commander's quarters, far away from the rest of the Survey Corps. They would pretend to be civilians who didn't, literally, have the weight of the world on their shoulders. They could be normal men. He could watch Erwin's outer persona break down to reveal something private. Levi loved watching Erwin change from a Commander to a man, specifically a man with almost insatiable needs. 

Erwin would pursue Levi's orgasms like he pursued everything else. First, he always seemed to be so patient, like he was waiting for something to happen. He was waiting on an opportunity that he thought was worth pursuing. Either Levi would become impatient and initiate, or Erwin would blindside him. And then it began. For a while, they would rush, absolutely ravenous, racing towards the end goal. But if Erwin ever got the inclination to slow down, the pace would change. Seamlessly, Erwin would take all of the urgency away from their actions, and he would start talking. 

_“I love bending you over this desk, Levi.”_

_“The door isn't locked.”_

_“I know.”_

_“Someone's going to walk in, Erwin. Ah, fuck-”_

_“Tell me how that feels, Levi. I want to hear you say it, darling.”_

_“That feels so fucking good, Erwin.”_

_“More?”_

_“Yes!”_

Levi hadn't realized that he had closed his eyes until he felt the heat of his cigarette between his fingers. 

“Shit,” he muttered. He leaned over and ashed almost his entire cigarette into the plastic cup. There wasn't enough of it left to matter. He dropped it into the cup. “Cheap pieces of shit,” Levi cursed under his breath. He had switched brands, trying to save some money, and it had been a mistake. Rather than saving money, he was just buying more packs because they burned so quickly. Not to mention, they weren't nearly as satisfying. He missed popping the menthol capsule in the filter. 

Levi opened his pack and took out a fresh cigarette. He lit it and laid back into bed properly. This time, he tried not to think of anything while he smoked the entire cigarette down to the filter. When the cigarette was spent, he tossed the butt into the plastic cup. 

When Levi closed his eyes to try and sleep, he was still wide awake. His mind was wandering to Erwin again. Knowing the inevitable outcome, Levi slipped his hands under the covers and reached down to his cock. He hadn't allowed himself to fantasize about Erwin this way yet. He had been too busy trying not to think about him. The touches through his underwear were soft, patient, like Erwin would've liked. Levi could feel the tingling begin, but his cock wasn't responding. He decided to be a little more assertive. 

Levi pushed his hand under his underwear and wrapped his hand around his cock. He imagined Erwin in his quarters, undressing for the day. First the uniform jacket came off of Erwin's broad shoulders. Levi's hand wrapped around his cock, and he continued to think of Erwin undressing. The Commander was unbuttoning his shirt. Levi could feel his chest fluttering with anticipation. He pulled at his flaccid member a little harder. 

Nothing happened. 

Levi's brows furrowed in confusion. He lifted the covers to look as if that would help, but he could feel the utter lack of erection. He didn't have to look. 

“Fuck,” he breathed. Levi dropped the covers, his hand retreating and his eyes darted back and forth over the ceiling, looking for an answer. _“What's wrong with me?”_ Levi shook his head, still not understanding. _“I haven't done this for so long. It should feel amazing.”_ Levi thought about that for a while longer. When was the last time he had touched himself? He couldn't remember. Levi hadn't had a healthy sex drive in a long time because he was too high to care. Levi felt the irritation rise hot in his chest. 

Levi picked up his cell phone and dialed Derrick. It rang twice before Derrick picked up. 

“Hey,” he said. “What's up?” 

“Hey,” Levi said. “Can you talk?” 

“Yeah, sure.” 

“I can't get my dick up.” The phone was quiet for a minute. Derrick actually had to take the phone away from his mouth, and not let Landon hear him laugh. He didn't think the situation was funny, it was just the absolute direct sentence that cut him to his core. 

“Oh,” Derrick cleared his throat. “When did you last use?” 

“Eight weeks, nine days?” 

“And you're on methadone still.” 

“Right.” 

“Umm,” Derrick stammered. “Are you taking benzos?”

“By prescription. Anti-depressants too.” 

“Alright. Bear with me here. Ready?” 

“Yeah.” 

“So when you first started using dope, sex was amazing right?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Alright. Then you started noticing your sex drive slowing down. Sex isn't so important any more after a while. You probably didn't have sex for long periods of time. Dope was really all that mattered.” Levi nodded, listening. “And you're how old?” 

“25.” 

“Right. So you haven't been focusing on sex so much the last few years. You probably just need to spend some time with yourself. Get to know yourself again, if you know what I mean.” Levi released a frustrated breath and rolled his eyes. “Opium confuses your pleasure receptors. There's really nothing that feels as good as getting high. But if you don't stay high, then your body doesn't experience pleasure the same way. It's the same reason why sugar doesn't taste as good. Also, your anti-depressants might be depressing your sex drive. That shouldn't have much of an affect on physical responses, but you should mention it to your doctor.” Levi was getting angrier the longer Derrick talked. 

“So, I get clean, and now I can't even get myself off,” Levi snapped. 

“It's messed up, huh?” Levi grit his teeth. “It's alright. Over time it might come back to you. And if it doesn't they have miracle pills for that too. I highly suggest giving yourself some attention though. It took a while for me to rediscover myself too,” Derrick chuckled. 

“I fucking hate smack,” Levi said. 

“Good,” Derrick said. “Keep thinking that way.” 

“Alright,” Levi said. “I need to go to sleep and get some rest for work anyway.” 

“Okay,” Derrick said. “Call me back if you need to talk some more.” 

“Thanks.”

“Also, I meant to ask you if you have any plans for Christmas, Landon. If you don't, then you could come to my family Christmas if you like.”

“I already have plans,” Levi said. It was a lie. He planned on sleeping all day. Other employees had told Levi of the insanity of the day after Christmas. “Thank you anyway.” 

“No problem.” Levi ended the call and dropped his phone on the bed, pissed. 

_“I can't even get my dick hard. But if I had some dope or coke, this wouldn't be a problem,”_ Levi thought. He reached up and rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand. Levi really wanted to be high again. _“Limp dick junkie.”_ That thought stung him a little more than he had anticipated. It's what he had learned was called an intrusive thought. He sat up in bed and took half of another of his anti-anxiety pills. It would make it difficult to wake up in the morning, but that didn't matter. He just wanted to sleep. 

Levi set the alarm on his phone, and plugged it up. He rolled over on his left side so the light from outside wouldn't keep him awake and closed his eyes. It took him a long time to fall asleep, but he fantasized about being in Erwin's bed. That helped. Even if they couldn't fuck, maybe Erwin would still let him sleep in the same bed sometimes. 

******

_Levi was flying through the forest of giant trees. The Female Titan was running in front of him, away from him. He needed to catch up to her and save Eren. If he didn't, the girl who loved Eren would get herself killed trying to save him. There had been enough death for one day._

_Another soldier shot into Levi's view from the right side of the forest. The soldier was pursuing the Female Titan now too, and he was far head of Levi. He was going to get himself killed, and Levi couldn't see who it was because the hood of his green cape was up._

_“What the hell?” Levi thought. “Soldier! Go back to formation now!” Levi ordered loudly. The soldier turned, mid-flight and lifted his hand. He pulled back the hood of his cape. It was Erwin. Levi had to pull his anchors and shoot them off again to maintain his pace. He used too much gas. “Erwin! What are you doing here?”_

_Erwin didn't answer, he just turned back around and continued to pursue. Levi looked around him then, and he couldn't see Mikasa anymore. When he looked towards his front again, the woods were clearing. The Female Titan was running into Shiganshina beyond the trees. Nothing made any sense. The forest wasn't anywhere near Shiganshina. Erwin was still flying through the air, chasing after her._

_“Erwin!” Levi called. Erwin didn't respond once again. The Female Titan began crushing buildings in front of them then. Erwin stopped at a tree on the edge of the forest, and stood on a large tree limb. Levi finally caught up to him and stood on the limb with him._

_They watched the Female Titan run through the city, crushing buildings randomly. She reminded Levi of a little girl playing in mud puddles. Out of nowhere, the Armored Titan joined her. The Titans were jumping up and down, childishly crushing empty buildings. Levi watched the destruction for a while longer. Then, he looked up at Erwin._

_Erwin's hood was up over his head again, and in the shadow of the fabric, his eyes were glowing blue. There was a gentle smile on his face. Erwin looked so young. It was the Erwin that had captured Levi in the Underground. Under that gaze, Levi's breath caught in his chest._

_“Levi,” Erwin said. The voice sent a shiver down Levi's spine. He hadn't heard Erwin's voice in too long. “Watch this.” Erwin turned back to look at the Titans. Levi turned his head. The Colossal Titan had joined the other two now. The Titans had stopped playing, and they were all standing around a single building._

_On the roof of the building, Commander Erwin Smith was standing, looking to the South. The Commander's tie around his neck was glowing a fierce green, and his singular arm was hanging limply at his side. Levi looked in the path of Erwin's sight. The Beast Titan was standing at the gate of Shinganshina. Levi looked back to the young Erwin next to him._

_Erwin was smiling down at him, intense blue eyes locked on Levi. Levi felt his own eyes burning and prickling with the sensation of Erwin's stare._

_“Do you know what will happen next, Levi?” Erwin asked softly. Levi turned and looked. He gripped the swords in his hands tighter. The skin of his palms popped under the pressure, and he could feel blood running from under his hands. When he looked down at his hands, they were soaked with his blood. The hot red liquid was dripping from his palms. That's when he noticed his clothes were covered in blood too. He looked back to the young Erwin on his left, and there wasn't any blood on his clothes. Levi turned to look back at the Commander on the roof._

_The Beast Titan was standing directly in front of building where one-armed Erwin was still standing. The other Titans had disappeared. The Commander was soaked in blood. He was gutted, some his organs laying at his feet. Levi watched in horror while Erwin's intestines began sliding towards the edge of the roof in a river of blood. But Erwin was still standing, waiting for something. Levi looked at the Beast Titan._

_Without waiting another moment, Levi leaped from the tree limb. He shot his anchors and aimed for the Beast Titan. He heard himself scream while he flew towards the Beast Titan's neck. The creature didn't even respond; his tiny eyes were locked onto Erwin. Levi sliced through the Beast Titan's nape. The chunk of meat flew from the Titan's neck, and the body of whoever was inside was sliced into unrecognizable pieces. Blood sprayed through the air in a pink mist._

_Levi landed on a nearby roof, and turned. The Beast Titan didn't fall. He had simply disappeared, but the pink mist was still heavy in the air. Levi saw the young Erwin standing over the dying Erwin. Levi flew back over to the other roof._

_When he landed, he dropped his swords and ran to both Erwins. His 3DMG fell off of his hips and crashed to the roof while he ran. The younger Erwin was holding the box of Titan Serum in his hand. Levi looked around, but no other soldiers were around. It was just the three of them._

_The young Erwin looked away from his dying, old body and over at Levi, his eyes still glowing from within the darkness of his hood. Levi stopped running and slowly walked up to the younger Erwin. He glanced at the box of Titan serum in Erwin's hand._

_“Save me, Levi,” Erwin said. Without hesitation, Levi snatched the box of Titan serum from Erwin's hand. Quickly, he knelt down next to the dying Erwin. Blood was still freely flowing from Erwin's side. The skin of his side was shredded and some more of his intestines were laying next to him. Levi tried to avoid crushing any of Erwin's organs that had fallen out of his body when he stepped closer to Erwin. When Levi felt settled, he looked at Erwin's face. Erwin's shallow breaths were visible in the cold air. That was the first time Levi realized he felt cold. He could see his own breath making little white clouds in front of his face._

_Levi opened the box and began assembling the syringe. Once it was put together, he pushed up Erwin's sleeve on his arm. The crook of Erwin's arm was gray, and the veins under the skin were a stark blue in contrast to Erwin's skin._

_“Levi,” Erwin murmured. His voice was hoarse, and Levi had barely heard it. Levi's eyes went to dying Erwin's face. “Don't,” Erwin wheezed. Levi blinked, and when he looked to his right, young Erwin was gone. He was alone on the roof with Commander Erwin Smith, who was dying again. Levi looked over Erwin's body. Hot tears were falling down Levi's face now, smearing the blood._

_“Erwin,” Levi whispered. “We still need you.” Erwin barely opened one of his eyes, and the once vibrant irises were dull and cloudy . Levi looked down again, and he could see Erwin's stomach trying to press past the opening in his side. He was running out of time. Levi reached down and put the needle against the crook of Erwin's arm. He could clearly see the blue vein. It was pulsing under the needle._

_“Please,” Erwin begged. Levi closed his eyes tightly against the word._

_“I'm sorry,” Levi whispered. He opened his eyes, sniffled and pushed the needle into Erwin's skin. Levi pushed the plunger down and pulled the needle back out. Flippantly, Levi tossed the syringe to the side. He lifted Erwin's arm, and bent the elbow so the serum wouldn't leak out of his vein. With his free hand, Levi reached up and wiped some of the water off of his face. His hand came back wet and bloody. Levi sniffled again and looked at Erwin's face. Erwin's eyes were closed and his breath wasn't visible anymore. Levi's eyes opened wide and he felt of Erwin's wrist for a pulse. Nothing. He dropped Erwin's arm, and both of Levi's hands went to Erwin's throat. He felt all over for a pulse. There was nothing. “Erwin!” Levi reared back and slapped Erwin across the face so hard that it turned Erwin's head on his limp neck. “ERWIN!” Levi screamed. “Open your fucking eyes!”_

_“You wasted it,” Eren said. Levi startled and looked up. Eren was standing over him with that wild look in his green eyes and a toothy grin. Mikasa was behind him with swords drawn. Armin's burnt corpse was standing limply next to Mikasa with his seared skull tilted to the side and pus draining from his open, empty eye sockets.“You wasted it on him,” Eren sneered. Levi tried to move back away from Eren, but he slipped in Erwin's blood. Levi's hands searched for purchase on the roof, but his hands landed on some of Erwin's entrails and he slipped backwards just a bit more. Then, the bottom of Eren's boot connected against Levi's face._

_Levi fell from the roof with Erwin's guts and blood raining down on him._

 

Levi jumped awake from sleep and sat up in bed in the dim room. He was breathing fast and heavy. His chest and hands were tingling. Levi's eyes were wide, scanning everything in front of him. His hands instinctively felt of his chest. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears. 

“Shit,” Levi breathed. “Holy shit.” Levi reached up to rub his face, and his hands came back wet. He stared at the palms of his hands. They were soaked from hot tears and the cold sweat on his face, but there wasn't any blood. Levi swallowed. The images in his mind were still fresh. He could still smell the blood and stink of internal organs. His stomach turned. Levi put a hand over his mouth and closed his eyes. It didn't help. 

He jumped out of bed and scrambled to the bathroom. When Levi made it to the bathroom, he knelt in front of toilet and lifted the lid. He hung his head over the toilet and waited. The smell of Erwin's organs was still fresh in his nose. They were so fucking slippery. They had _squished_ under his hands. His body temperature was flashing between hot and cold. 

_“This is what-”_ There was a rush of heat in his face and Levi gagged. Nothing came up. He clenched his closed eyes tightly. _“ Calm down. This is what Erwin was talking about. It's alright. It's not real. It could never be real.”_ Levi closed his eyes and waited. The nausea had been overwhelming, but slowly it began to settle. The feeling of his stomach rolling evened out to a gentle discomfort. When it seemed like he wasn't going to vomit, Levi closed the lid of the toilet and rested his head on top of the cool porcelain. _“Erwin has been having these dreams. I should tell him that I'm having them too. I could explain to him what happened.”_

Levi inhaled and exhaled against the hard surface under him. He lifted his hands and pushed against the lid of the toilet until he was standing. Then, he turned and walked out of his bathroom. He went to the kitchen and filled a red plastic cup full of water. Levi drank all of the water standing in front of the sink in case his stomach decided it should roll again. 

When Levi was able to drink all of the water without a problem, he put the cup next to the sink and returned to bed. Rather than laying down, Levi sat up in bed with his back against the wall. He pulled a cigarette out of the pack and lit it. His hands weren't shaking anymore. After looking at his phone, he saw that his alarm to wake up for work would ring in a few minutes anyway. It was annoying. He probably wouldn't have been able to go back to sleep though. 

_“It wouldn't be fair,”_ Levi thought. He decided, again, that he wouldn't email Erwin. _“Empathizing with him will only give him hope that I can be around one day. And I don't know if that's true yet. He probably doesn't even remember how he died.”_ He bit his bottom lip and thought about how amazing it would be to get stoned. Then, he could sleep without interruption. He wouldn't have to care about his dreams. If anything, he would have good dreams while high. Levi dragged on his cigarette. _“He already knows that I'm having them,”_ Levi decided. _“That's why he mentioned his own nightmares. Otherwise, he would have never said anything. Clever bastard.”_ Levi dragged on his cigarette again. _“Can't come and can't sleep.”_ The alarm clock on his phone began ringing, and he dropped his cigarette butt into the red plastic cup that had a little water in it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aren't PTSD nightmares the fucking worst?


	6. Pull

**December 14, 2012**

> Did you go to rehab, Levi? If you have, are you allowed to have visitors for your birthday?
> 
> If you're allowed to leave the premises, I could take you anywhere you like for your birthday. My parents have decided to go to Germany for Christmas, but I don't want to go with them. 
> 
> If you aren't allowed to leave, how can I contact you for your birthday? Can I send a letter or a present? 
> 
> Write me back, and let me know. 

 

**December 25, 2012**

> Happy birthday, darling. Merry Christmas.
> 
> I think of you every day, Levi. 

 

**January 1, 2013**

> Happy New Year, Levi. We're going to spend this year together. I'll give you your New Years kiss when I see you.
> 
> Are you still in rehab? Did you go at all?

 

**January 22, 2013**

> I see you've been able to read my messages! Write me back when you have time, Levi. I'll come get you. 

 

**February 9, 2013**

> Levi,
> 
> Today, I went to the library where I picked you up the day we went to the hospital. Are you using the computers there? How are you reading these? 
> 
> I'm going down to New Orleans for the weekend for Mardi Gras. Write me back. Go with me. Mike and Nanaba are coming too, but you don't have to see them. It can just be us. We'll take all the privacy you want. You deserve a vacation.
> 
> Write me back, Levi. Tell me where you are. 
> 
> I want you.

 

**February 12, 2013**

> This email account is attached to my phone remember? If you write back, I'll be able to respond immediately, Levi. Just send an email to yourself using this account, and I'll be able to see it too. Write me back. I'll be as patient as you need, Levi. 

 

**February 14, 2013**

> I could be with you today, darling. We could go anywhere you want. Write me back. Tell me where you want to go, and I will take you there.
> 
> I'll tell you Happy Valentine's Day in person. 

 

**February 15, 2013**

> I still want you, Levi.

 

**March 15, 2013**

> There's a Saint Patrick's Day parade downtown in a couple of days, Levi. Can you meet me there? I'll wait for you by the big fountain. I don't really understand what you're trying to accomplish, but I may be able to help.
> 
> Tell me where you are. 

 

**March 27, 2013**

> Have you ever celebrated Easter, Levi? My parents have invited me to go see them in Italy. I'll have to take off from school, but that's fine. I've done all of my homework assignments for my classes already.
> 
> We'll get you a passport, and we'll take a vacation. Where are you? 
> 
> I know you've been reading these, Levi. I still want you. 
> 
> Answer me.

 

 

**April 11, 2013**

> You're like a ghost, Levi. I can't even cross the globe without thinking of you every day. The whole time I was in Italy, I couldn't get you out of my mind. It's such a beautiful place, and it's almost springtime. So I kept thinking about how much you would love the weather.
> 
> One night, I woke up suddenly and legitimately thought you were in bed with me. But you never slept in a bed back then, did you. Do you sleep in a bed now, Levi? Are you taking care of yourself? 
> 
> I still want you. I want to share this life with you, Levi. I know I can't take your addiction away from you, but I would do absolutely anything I could to make it worth waking up every day. 
> 
> I've been struggling when I wake up in the morning too. This life simply cannot compare to the life we had. When I woke up back then, I knew exactly what I needed to do that day to step towards freedom. Maybe there were times when I was unsure of myself. You never allowed that to continue for long though. I don't think I thanked you often enough for your support, Levi. 
> 
> Now when I wake up, I don't know what to do with myself. How can people be satisfied having so much free time on their hands? Is it crazy to say I miss the desperation? I miss having a singular purpose. 
> 
> Of course, I'm thankful for what I have. But it's mostly been given to me. I haven't earned it. It's so foreign compared to our first life, Levi. That must be why I joined the Army. I wanted to earn something. In school, I can earn grades. I have goals, but they're too easy. There's no struggle. I have no feeling of accomplishment from simple assignments. 
> 
> Tell me what I can do for you, Levi. What can I help you accomplish? What would make it easier for you to wake up in the morning? I can't find my place in the world until you're by my side again. My two arms are worthless without my right hand.
> 
> I love you.

 

**May 5, 2013**

> It's alright that you haven't answered, Levi. I've been pressuring you too much for a response. I don't know what you're going through, and I don't want to get in your way.
> 
> Just keep reading them. As long as I see that you've read these, I know you're alright. 
> 
> You've stayed clean for so long. 
> 
> I'm so proud of you, Levi. 

 

**May 21, 2013**

> Levi,
> 
> Do you remember the first night we spoke on the phone? Actually, it's the only time we've spoken on the phone, isn't it. 
> 
> You said that you dreamed of me. I was telling the truth when I said that I have dreamed of you all of my life. In my dreams, before I remembered our first life, sometimes there would be a dark haired man that I didn't recognize. I learned pretty early in life, after some research, that you can dream of “strangers”. Strangers in a dream are actually just faces that your mind has recorded and sometimes those faces will show up in your dreams. Your brain can't create faces, it only recycles them.
> 
> But in dreams where strangers were present, I was never able to actually look them in the eye. If I remember correctly, I was only able to look near their eyes. I could look to the side of their faces, their foreheads or between their eyebrows, but I could never actually make eye contact with them. 
> 
> I remembered you in my dreams before we met in this life Levi. And every time I saw you in my dreams, you would look at me directly. Those gray eyes of yours are truly nothing short of stunning. Most of the time I could only get a glimpse of you as you walked by in a dream. And you would look directly at me. Sometimes I would be able to stand near you for a while, and for a few moments we could make eye contact. 
> 
> One time, I swear, you looked at me over your shoulder, and I inhaled so sharply that I woke myself up. I literally gasped out of a dream. The look in your eyes was so impressive. Arousing too. I never understood how you were able to do that to me. But I was a teenager, so I recovered quickly and put myself to sleep again with the usual activity.
> 
> I was never able to speak to you in my dreams though. I've spoken to many strangers in my dreams. But I could never speak to you, Levi. We would just have to exchange looks and be satisfied. Then, I would wake up feeling like I had missed something. 
> 
> I want to be satisfied, Levi. I want to talk to you.

 

**June 2, 2013**

> I'm going to France next week for a while. You can come with me.
> 
> You don't even have to meet my parents. We'll get a completely separate hotel. We can hide from everyone. Let me see you, Levi. I know you're okay. I know you're reading these. Just keep reading them, darling. I've tried to back off for a while, but I don't want to anymore. 
> 
> I want you. 

 

**July 4, 2013**

> I'm stateside again.
> 
> Can you see the fireworks where you are, darling? They're so beautiful. They're loud and bright, and they remind me of you. Wherever you are, watch them with me. 
> 
> You can come home.

 

**August 7, 2013**

> Erwin,
> 
> I've relasped. Back to detox. Keep writing. 
> 
> Give me a reason to wake up tomorrow. I'm going to lose everything again, Erwin. 
> 
> I love you. 
> 
> Levi

Erwin threw his phone across the room, and it slammed against the wall. The corner of the hard case around the phone made a dent in the sheet rock before falling to the floor. He fell back on his bed and covered his eyes with his hands. Fingertips pressed hard into his head, and he pulled his own hair until it hurt. 

“DAMN IT, LEVI!” he yelled at the ceiling. Sudden silence filled the air, and Erwin thought he would choke on it. There was a gentle knock at the door. He didn't answer. He was suffocating. 

“Erwin,” Nanaba said gently against the door. He could hear Mike yell something across the apartment, and Nanaba moved away from the door to say something back to him. They were bickering then. 

Erwin would give anything to argue with Levi in that moment. To have that short, little asshole yell in his face would be delightful. And then Erwin could touch him. Kiss him again. He could touch Levi's skin and see those gray eyes with perfectly dilated pupils. And Levi would be healthy again, and they wouldn't be doing this ridiculous excuse of a relationship or whatever the hell it was, whatever Levi had forced it to be. Erwin could only think of how he had given up control when he had left Levi at the hospital. He thought he had done the right thing, but he had been wrong. He should have maintained control. 

Erwin's shaking hands dropped to the bed under him. Some blond strands of hair were stuck between his fingers from where he had pulled them out. He stared at the ceiling. 

_“I'm going to strangle him,”_ Erwin thought. _“I'm going to wrap my hands around that beautiful, pale neck and squeeze until he knows how this feels. I'm going to feel his pulse quicken under my hands, and then he'll start gasping,”_ Erwin winced and clenched his hands into fists. _“Stop that. That's sick. Stop thinking that way.”_ Erwin felt guilty about his spontaneous thoughts of harming Levi. But his mind was too overloaded to grasp the situation. Erwin didn't have any skills to combat this as a Commander. There was never anything as dangerous in Levi's first life as heroin. Captain Levi Ackerman had been unstoppable, even legendary. But now Levi could die, and Erwin would be left helpless. If Levi died, he may not ever know about it. Emotions were clouding Erwin's logic, and he knew he needed to let them go for now. Levi needed him. 

When someone knocked on his bedroom door again, Erwin sat up from the bed. He stood and calmly walked over to the where his phone fell. Picking up his phone, Erwin checked it for damage. Of course, the hard case had protected it well. There was some white paint and dust on the corner of the phone case where it had struck the wall. He brushed it off casually. 

He unlocked the phone and pulled up the email again. 

**August 7, 2013**

> You can do it, darling. You can stop. Tell the hospital to call me if they need payment information. Go to rehab this time, Levi. Do it right.
> 
> It's okay to wake up tomorrow and not know what's going to happen, Levi. 
> 
> We're going to be okay. 
> 
> I'm still here. I love you.

 

"We're coming in, Erwin," Mike said through the door. 

Erwin hit send, and Mike opened the door to his bedroom. 

“Is Levi alright?” Mike leaned against the door frame, and Nanaba stood close behind him. The two of them looked their Commander from head to toe. While Erwin was still standing up straight, the look on his face was desolate.

“He's relapsed,” Erwin said quietly. His eyes dropped back to the phone in his hand. Nanaba pushed past Mike and walked over to Erwin. She wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders. Then, he felt Mike leaning against the both of them from the side with his arms around then. 

“I'm sorry, Erwin,” Nanaba said. Mike kissed the top of Nanaba's head and pulled away from the hug. When Nanaba leaned back, she smiled up at Erwin, and he returned the gesture, barely. “We love both of you.” Erwin nodded. 

“Thank you,” he said. She smiled and pulled away from him fully. 

“Tell me what you want to eat,” Nanaba said. “I'll cook anything you want for dinner!” 

“We're going out!” Mike called. “We're getting shit faced! Everybody get dressed!” Erwin could hear Mike cursing then, but the voice faded to mumbling. The side of Erwin's mouth twitched. He didn't want to go out, but Mike was right. If Erwin stayed home, he would just feel worse. 

“We don't have to go,” Nanaba offered quietly. The Commander's eyes looked tired. It made Nanaba feel sick. There was nothing the Commander could do to save the Captain this time. 

“Let's do it anyway,” Erwin said. Erwin tried to give Nanaba his best smile, but he saw in her eyes that it didn't work. “I need to make some phone calls.” Nanaba nodded and walked out of his bedroom, closing the door behind her. 

Erwin called every hospital in the city and no one would tell him if Landon Armstrong had checked in for detox. He insisted that he was the man's partner, but he knew how suspicious it sounded. If he was Levi's partner, why didn't he already know where Levi was? Everyone he talked to insisted that they could not reveal the names of anyone who had entered the ER or been admitted due to privacy. Erwin decided he would just have to drive around to each hospital and find Levi. Maybe he could be more convincing in person. 

Mike opened the bedroom door then, dressed to go out. He stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. Erwin still had the phone to his ear. He hung up on the hospital worker that he had been talking to. The conversation was going nowhere. He looked up at Mike. 

“I'm going to go get him,” Erwin said. 

“He doesn't want to be found,” Mike insisted. 

“You would burn this entire city down to find Nanaba,” Erwin shot back. “Especially if you thought she was hurt.” Mike broke eye contact then and thought about what he could say. Erwin had backed him into a verbal corner again. There's was no response that he could give besides just the truth. He didn't want to give his friend false hope, but he didn't want to injure Erwin any further either.

“I honestly believe he'll come back,” Mike finally said. His eyes raised to Erwin's then. “If he wanted to get away from you, he would've never told you about the relapse.” Erwin's blue eyes were dull, and Mike was disgusted with Levi's behavior. At the same time, he couldn't blame Levi for not wanting Erwin to see him as anything less than a Captain. He understood. But it was damn near insufferable to see the Commander helpless against a situation. “He's occupied,” Mike added. “Be patient for now.” Erwin took a breath and nodded. Mike was right. Patience was all he could do for Levi. “You need to get out of the apartment, Erwin.” 

“Alright,” Erwin said. Mike clapped him hard on the shoulder before turning around and leaving the room. Erwin reached up and rubbed at his face with both hands, trying to clear his head. 

_“You have to believe in him,”_ Erwin reminded himself. _“You can't help him if you're weaker.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to talk to me on[ Tumblr](http://valisi-clark.tumblr.com/).


	7. Family

**August 20, 2013**

> I saw that you read my last email, Levi. Tell me if you're in rehab. I can send you my credit card information. I've put my phone number in the contact section.

 

 **October 31, 2013**

> I'm going to graduate in May, Levi. I'll be teaching soon, I hope.
> 
> I haven't gotten any phone calls or bills from the hospital or rehab. 
> 
> I have to believe that you're doing better. 
> 
> Mike, Nanaba and I are going out tonight. If you want to meet us, we'll be at the Double Branch bar. It's easy to get to if you have to walk.

 

 **December 25, 2013**

> Happy birthday, Levi. Merry Christmas.

 

**January 1, 2014**

> Happy New Year, Levi.
> 
> I'm a little too drunk to type on this phone's keyboard very well. I also hate autocorrect. I think it's supposed to be helpful, but it isn't helping. Not to mention, that I keep having to correct the word “fucking” because I've been writing out sexual fantasies that I erase before I can send them. How is “ducking” a word that this device recognizes but can't conceive of the word “fucking”? I've never even used the word ducking on this phone until just now. 

 

**January 1, 2014**

> Do you remember that horrible liquor we drank back then, Levi? Wasn't it horrible? It was horrible. But the drinks they have in this life are amazing. There's so much of it. You can literally buy alcohol anywhere. I even walked down to the dollar store to buy more liquor because we ran out. It's cheap and tastes bad, but it still tastes so much better than what we had.
> 
> There are very few things I miss from our first life. I do miss my old office sometimes, specifically my desk. Maybe it wouldn't miss that desk so much if I hadn't ever heard your gasping breaths against the polished wood. Or maybe I miss you. 
> 
> If you'll come home, I'll make you feel good, darling. I'll fuck you just the way you like it. 

 

**January 1, 2014**

> 1 Attachment “Incentive.jpg” Open Save

 

**January 2, 2014**

> Levi,
> 
> I've logged in to delete the emails I sent yesterday before you could read them, but they aren't in the inbox anymore. I found that you've moved them into a save folder, but they are marked unread. 
> 
> I'm also a little embarrassed to see that I actually sent that picture to you. I thought I might have dreamed that one. 
> 
> But I'm not sorry.

 

**February 1, 2014**

> Levi,
> 
> Nanaba found Moblit in a grocery store today. She assumed he couldn't remember anything. Nanaba asked him out on a date to get his attention, and it worked. Good for Nanaba, thinking on her feet like that, right? 
> 
> Mike came very close to being in a rage, even though he knows it's a fake date. It took a lot of convincing for Mike to agree to not assault Moblit on sight for even agreeing to going on a date with Nanaba. 
> 
> I've hypothesized that Moblit would probably have to find Hange to remember anything, if the pattern that we've seen so far still applies. 

 

**February 19, 2014**

> Levi,
> 
> Nanaba, of course, told Moblit that they were better off as friends after their date at a hibachi grill. She claims they mostly looked at their cell phones for the entire date, only occasionally sharing a funny picture or quote with each other. Her words were: “I felt like I was on an awkward date with my brother.” Nanaba said the chef noticed the tension and even commented on it. 
> 
> I found the story amusing, but Mike had to take a walk. His type of frustration is very interesting to watch. He doesn't express very much verbally, but his entire face and neck were red by the time he left the apartment. There's nothing that can make him more upset than something revolving around Nanaba. Mike was irritable for an entire week and only returned to a normal mood after his Valentine's Day date with Nanaba. I've never seen him behave that way before.
> 
> Nanaba kept in contact with Moblit, through Facebook, long enough that she was able to convince him to come to the apartment and meet us today.
> 
> We plan on keeping him close. He warmed up to Mike and I almost instantly when Nanaba brought him home. In some subconscious way, he seems to respond to me as an authority figure still. The most obvious example was the way his spine stiffened and he wouldn't make eye contact when he shook my hand. 
> 
> Mike sniffed him and sneered, in perfect fashion, to see what would happen. You should've seen Moblit's face. It was a perfect mix of mortification, confusion and a dash of fear. Nanaba says we're cruel. It really was funny though. 
> 
> Then, Mike made it very clear to Moblit that he and Nanaba were going to be married. Nanaba was irritated by Mike's possessiveness and, honestly, slight objectification. As some sort of payback, Moblit took Nanaba's side and admonished Mike for treating her as an “achievement”. Mike came very close to sleeping on the couch tonight, I believe. He circumvented that by offering Moblit enough liquor to make him too drunk to drive home. Moblit is currently snoring on the couch with a very empty bottle of vodka. It's a very familiar image. His alcohol tolerance is amazing. Our dysfunctional little family is almost complete again. 
> 
> You can stop going to the trouble of marking these emails as unread, Levi. I know you're reading them.

 

**April 14, 2014**

> I'm going to be focusing on school the next month, Levi. I won't be writing as often. Write me if you want to talk. 

 

**June 2, 2014**

> Erwin,
> 
> I found Hange in a Starbucks on Spring Street at 8:45 am. She's there almost every morning. 
> 
> \- Levi

 

**June 11, 2014**

> Good call, Levi.
> 
> This morning I called Moblit and told him to go buy a coffee for me at that specific Starbucks. It was a little unsettling when he agreed to it right away. Your plan worked. 
> 
> Moblit brought Hange over, and they ended up in the floor of the living room crying. They were originally on the couch, but somehow they melted off of it. It was a very creepy spectacle. Horror movies aspire to make those types of physics look realistic. The downstairs neighbors have already made a noise complaint. 
> 
> Apparently, neither of them are allowed in that Starbucks anymore. They were able to hysterically cry their way out of a “disturbing the peace” charge that the police officer in the coffee line would have given them. 
> 
> During moments of lucidity, Hange is speculating about how remembering works. After sharing all of our stories, her best theory so far is you have to make eye contact with the person you thought of last before you died. Personally, I'm more inclined to believe that it's linked to soulmates. I didn't mention that to Hange. I'm sure she would insist I'm incorrect. 
> 
> I told them that you're the one who found Hange.
> 
> She asked about you almost immediately once she had recovered enough to speak again, and I've had to share some very basic information, just the things that Mike and Nanaba know. I've refrained from telling her about our email account, due to the fact I believe she would flood it. 
> 
> She keeps asking me why I haven't hunted you down and dragged you back. Mike is up in arms about it now too, and has offered to help me essentially kidnap you. Nanaba keeps trying to soothe him, but it isn't working. Moblit hasn't verbalized anything he's thinking, except for telling Hange to shut up a few times when she goes a little too far. Mike keeps adding fuel to Hange's fire. I think that he's just doing it to encourage Hange's insanity because it's entertaining, but I can't be sure. They've been discussing a ridiculous hypothetical plan of abducting you. Neither of them must be able to remember what it was like to capture you in our first life. I can't imagine chasing you down now with your acquired modern skills. Hange is researching van rentals and is basically demanding that we somehow abduct you.
> 
> Direct quote from Hange: “If the van rental company will let us spray paint “Free Tea” on the side of the van, we'll catch him for sure.” 
> 
> I don't think she's joking, but I have to admit I laughed a bit at the image. 
> 
> I've told all of them that we're going to respect your space.

 

**June 25, 2014**

> Hange has told me that she's been going back to that Starbucks to stand outside of the front door and see if she can find you, Levi. I've told her stop. Hopefully, she will listen this time. I would choose a different coffee shop if I were you. 
> 
> Moblit is in love all over again. Hange hasn't noticed yet (again). Do you think they'll make it work this time? 

 

**July 4, 2014**

> Levi,
> 
> Hange and Moblit are drunk. In fact, all of us have been drinking quite a bit, so I'll keep this short. I just thought you would want to know about this spectacle in my living room. Mike is torturing Hange and Moblit, mercilessly, by sniffing them and insulting their "odors". It's so ridiculous, but they laugh anyway. And then they drink more between laughing fits. Nanaba is laughing so hard at the two of them laughing that she's crying. I'm on the balcony watching the fireworks. 
> 
> It's been a good night.

 

**August 4, 2014**

> I've moved residences, Levi. The emergency contact information that the hospital has is no longer accurate. I've attached a document of my new information in case you ever need it.
> 
> 1 Attachment “Emergency Contact Information.doc” Open Save

 

**August 31, 2014**

> Levi,
> 
> The first month of teaching has gone well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has commented, left kudos, created bookmarks, made recommendations and subscribed. I really appreciate all of your support. I can't think of any words that will fully encompass these emotions. I am a limp spaghetti noodle. That's the easiest way to explain it.


	8. Contact

Erwin parked his black SUV in his garage and opened the driver side door. He picked up his mail from the dash and stepped out of the vehicle. When he shut the door behind him, he looked down at the stack of letters. They seemed to be mostly bills. 

Erwin walked up the little steps in his garage to the door that would lead him into the house. It was nice to live outside of the city. He thought he would miss being so close to everything, but the neighborhood was quiet and spacious. The commute to school was worth it. Then, Mike and Nanaba were able to find a house in the same neighborhood that they could afford, and Erwin decided he liked the area even more after that. Erwin opened the door and stepped into his home, closing the door with his foot. He slipped out of his shoes in the mudroom and flipped through the mail. He walked from the mudroom into his kitchen and set his school bag and keys down.

Halfway through the kitchen he stopped. One of the letters was addressed to Levi Ackerman, and Erwin's home address was listed under the name. It was sent from a health clinic. 

_“A bill? It doesn't have his legal name on it though,”_ Erwin wondered. He dropped the rest of the letters to the kitchen floor and began ripping into the envelope. 

When he pulled the piece of paper out, he tossed the envelope flippantly. Erwin looked over the piece of paper. There was a list of sexually transmitted diseases and infections. Levi had tested negative for all them. Erwin smiled. It was very considerate of Levi to let him know. Erwin would've never asked for proof of Levi's health condition. He didn't need it. He knew Levi would be honest with him. They would've found a way to work around anything. But Levi wanted Erwin to know. Erwin pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened up the email they shared. 

**October 22, 2014**

> Your test results came in today, Levi. You tested negative for everything.

 

Erwin pressed send and turned off his screen. He put the test results and his phone on the kitchen counter and squatted to pick up the letters and envelope he had dropped. He flipped through the rest of the letters then. There wasn't anything of interest. Paper bills and credit card solicitations. Trash. Erwin tossed the rest of the mail in the trash can, but kept the envelope from the health clinic and laid it next to the test results. His phone lit up. 

Erwin picked up his phone and looked. It was alert to tell him an email that had been sent to their shared account. Levi had responded. He unlocked his phone and took a look at it. 

 

**October 22, 2014**

> Can I see you tomorrow?

 

Erwin's heart seized in his chest. Levi had immediately answered. Not only had he answered, but he wanted to meet. Levi wanted to see him. Erwin put his phone down and leaned over the kitchen island. He closed his eyes and focused. The whirlwind of emotions that he was experiencing made him feel a little dizzy. 

_“Calm down,”_ Erwin told himself. _“This might not be his way of saying he wants to come home. He may just want to talk. In fact, I'm sure he wants to talk. So you need to do your best to keep it together.”_ Erwin nodded and picked up his phone again. He crossed the house from the kitchen to the living room and sat down on the couch, pulling up the email again.

 

**October 22, 2014**

> Of course you can, Levi. When and where?
> 
> Text me: 555-2496

 

Erwin hit send. Five seconds later, his phone rang with a text from a new number. Before anything else, he saved the number. 

_Levi: Drinks or food?_

_Erwin: Drinks_

_Levi: 9 pm. Here's an address I can't stay out late I have to work in the morning_

Erwin waited for the second message with the address. When he received it, he tapped it, and Google pulled up the name and a picture of the building for him. He was familiar with the club. It was a loud and flashy environment. The club wasn't very fit for talking. Erwin didn't understand why Levi wanted to go there, but he wasn't willing to argue against seeing Levi at all.

_Erwin: I'll see you then._

Erwin frowned at his phone and turned the screen off. He didn't feel right about the conversation. Erwin wanted to see Levi, badly, but he also dreaded it. 

The excitement was vibrating in his chest, and along with it came the paranoia that Levi would disappear again. Two years couldn't go unnoticed. What if Levi relapsed again from the stress of an emotional reunion? Then, he wouldn't show up for their meeting. But he had mentioned a job. He had a job that he obviously wanted to keep. Maybe that would be enough motivation for him to remain stable.

When Erwin stood from the couch, he felt a bit shaky. But he needed to try and continue his evening as if it had been uninterrupted. Erwin crossed through the living room back to the open kitchen to investigate something for dinner. He decided on a frozen bag of stir fry, something easy he could reheat for lunch at school the next day. Using his phone, he turned on his audiobook to listen to while he cooked. It made the house seem less empty to have a voice. 

_“I'm like a lonely dog,”_ Erwin thought. Then, he considered adopting a pet for a while, stirring the food in the skillet. He couldn't stop thinking about Levi, and he wanted to talk about it. Everyone deserved to know about the possibility of Levi coming home. 

Erwin picked up his phone and turned off the audio book. He dialed Hange. 

“erWIN!” Hange sang. Erwin laughed. 

“Hello, Hange,” Erwin said. “How are you doing today?” 

“Great! How are you?” 

“I'm doing well,” Erwin said. He leaned against the kitchen counter and stared at his stir fry sizzling in the pan. “Levi contacted me today.” 

“WHAT?!” Hange screamed. Erwin pulled the phone away from his ear and let her scream for a while. She blabbered away her excitement, and he was glad to let her get it out of her system. It was very convenient to hold the phone away from his ear rather than be in a room with her when she decided to scream. “WHEN CAN WE SEE HIM?!” Erwin put the phone against his ear then, tentatively. When Hange waited for an answer, Erwin decided it was safe to keep the phone in place. 

“Do they allow you to scream like that at work?” 

“No one is in the lab except me,” she said, using a normal volume again. 

“Ah,” Erwin said with a smile. “You can see him just as soon as he's willing, Hange. I don't know how he's doing yet.” Hange went quiet then. “I wanted to talk to you about something very private. Can we keep this between us?” 

“Absolutely,” Hange responded. 

“Today in the mail, I received Levi's test results for the entire run of STDs and STIs. He's negative for everything,” Erwin said. “He sent that information to me without prompting.” 

“Interesting,” Hange mused. “With intravenous drugs, he was probably most concerned about HIV or Hepatitis C. Hepatitis is an easy test, but sometimes HIV antibodies won't show up for about three months. However, the myth is antibodies take about twice that long to develop. So he probably wanted to wait as long as possible before he was tested just to make sure.” The confirmation of his suspicions made Erwin feel a lot better. Erwin nodded and leaned away from the counter to pay attention to the stir fry again. It looked finished and he began plating it, leaving the rest in the pan to put away for his lunch the next day. 

Erwin took his plate over to the island bar and sat down with it, ready to eat. 

“Erwin,” Hange said. 

“Yes.” 

“What are you worried about?” Erwin pushed his food around on the plate. 

“I believe the drugs changed him,” Erwin said. That's what he had been dreading, and it hurt to admit. He was very concerned that there might not be anything left of the Captain within Levi. 

“Probably,” Hange agreed. “From what you told me, he seemed to be taking high doses pretty regularly. At least, if that first time you talked to him while he was high is an indication. That or he was able to afford very potent heroin.” Erwin thought back to the first phone call that he had with Levi. He remembered the stranger who had offered Levi a speedball. That man's voice was so clear in his head still. He could've killed Levi. “He's also probably still on methadone for now. Maybe going to a daily clinic.” 

“I'll do some research about that tonight then,” Erwin said. He took a bite, turned the phone away from his mouth a bit so Hange wouldn't have to hear him chewing.

“Erwin,” Hange said. “You already know about all of it. That's not what you have to worry about.” Erwin put the phone near his mouth again when he swallowed. Hange cleared her throat. She hadn't intended to say that.

“What?” 

“There's something I want to discuss with you too, Erwin,” Hange said. “But you also have to remember that this is a private conversation between the two of us, alright?” Erwin's eyebrows furrowed. 

“It's just between us,” he promised, curious about Hange's concerns.

“Before you met Levi and remembered who you really were, did you have anything left over from you first life?” Hange was apprehensive to discuss those feelings with Erwin, but she knew it was important. 

“I suppose. Did you?” 

“Sure,” Hange said. “I've always been attracted to biological abnormalities, and my personality seems to be mostly the same. I was never able to completely conform to feminine stereotypes, and some people didn't appreciate that much.” Erwin tilted his head while he listened. “You know what that's like in school, when you're different.” Erwin understood what Hange meant then. 

“Yeah,” Erwin said. “Were you bullied?” 

“Of course,” Hange said. “But my response to it was active rather than passive. Rather than internalizing the ridicule, I showed the aggressor how their words or actions towards me were a mistake. Sometimes I was kind of violent about it, nothing too drastic, but by the time I graduated high school, I had been in a couple of fist fights. I guess I felt entitled to a certain amount of respect, which was probably left over from my time as a Squad Leader.” Erwin smiled and wanted to direct Hange to a happier time.

“But that didn't stop colleges throwing money at you, did it,” Erwin said. 

“Well, no,” Hange said laughing lightly. “They didn't care about my poor modern personal skills or eccentricities. They were just happy to count me as a statistic to show to their benefactors.” 

“I'm sure they were glad to have you then,” Erwin said. “I remember what it's like to beg for money. People who make impressive contributions to your institution are always a necessity. Levi's skills helped benefactors rationalize contributing to our cause many times.” 

“Speaking of him, don't divert me,” Hange said quickly. “I'm trying to say something here.” 

“Alright,” Erwin chuckled. “I'm listening.” 

“So you still had some of your personality traits left over from your first life, even if it wasn't necessarily obvious. Charisma and natural leadership skills would've been the most prevalent ones,” Hange said. 

“Yes,” Erwin agreed. 

“And maybe a bit of violence on top of that,” Hange added. “Did you ever get into physical altercations?” 

“No. I didn't let it go that far,” Erwin said. 

“Of course,” Hange smiled. “Alright. Then, if we can agree that we've maintained parts of our personalities from that time, Levi has maintained some of them too.” 

“Maybe.” 

“And we retained some of memories too, deep in our subconscious,” Hange said. “Right?” Erwin thought about it a moment. He thought he knew where Hange was directing the conversation, but he wanted to make sure before he agreed.

“Explain a little more.” 

“I think our dreams would've been the most outstanding expression of those leftover memories,” Hange agreed. “I remember having a few about you or Moblit when I was younger. Sometimes I would dream about Levi. I didn't know any of you. You were just a stranger that stood out in dreams or nightmares.” 

“I had those also.” 

“Then, Levi probably had them too,” Hange said. “I had good dreams about all of us sometimes. They weren't as memorable as the nightmares though. Most of my nightmares involved water wells. One of the most shocking nightmares I had was about Moblit drowning in a well. I didn't know who he was, but I wanted to save him. The water in the well kept sinking deeper so I couldn't reach him, and he couldn't keep his head above the surface of the water. He kept sinking farther down.” Hange paused and swallowed heavily. Erwin waited, but she didn't add anything else. He sensed her discomfort. 

“That must have been very confusing,” Erwin said. “To feel emotionally attached to a stranger whom you are helpless to save.” It hurt Erwin to admit the words because he felt them too. Levi felt like a type of stranger that Erwin knew intimate details about. Levi was unpredictable so far, but Erwin wanted to see some familiarity in him again. 

“It was,” Hange said. She let go of the powerful image, focusing instead on the point she was trying to make. “I've theorized that the experience of our first life, the positive or negative memories that were very emotional or affected us most, were saved in the primal part of our brains and are expressed in visions while we sleep.” 

“That sounds reasonable,” Erwin said. "Well, as reasonable as far as reincarnation goes," he added. Hange chuckled at the absurdity of their lives. Erwin picked up his fork and took another small bite. He had almost completely forgotten about trying to eat. 

“Have you ever considered why Levi chose intravenous drugs?" Hange asked suddenly. The sudden inquiry put Erwin off balance. "If you found in him in a fight club, why not snort coke like pretty much every other man in there? Why use a depressant instead of a stimulant? Cocaine can be used intravenously too. So why heroin?” Erwin shook his head and swallowed. 

“I've thought about it. I figured he was suppressing anxiety. So a stimulant would only agitate him more,” Erwin said. “The euphoria from heroin would be very attractive to someone who was depressed or anxious. I'm sure he chose intravenous administration because of the speed of the high.”

“I disagree."

"Why do you think he chose that method then?" 

"Before you died, Erwin, Levi had the syringe right up against your arm, the needle almost touched your skin. So how did syringes make him feel before he remembered?” Erwin set his fork down on the plate. He hadn't intended on discussing his death with Hange again, but she had surprised him with the topic. Erwin felt poorly prepared for the direction of the conversation. “Whatever was in a syringe for his first life was helpful. In that first life, the syringe he held up against your arm would have saved your life, saved humanity as we knew it.” Erwin put his head in his hand and leaned forward over the kitchen counter. 

“You're saying he has a subconscious response to seeing a syringe?” Erwin said. “No matter what is in it.”

“That's my hypothesis,” Hange said. “Erwin, can you imagine what it must have been like for Levi to see someone use drugs intravenously for the first time?” Erwin involuntarily pictured the moment. He was able to clearly picture Levi standing in a dilapidated home of drug addicts, watching heroin being used for the first time. It must have been terrifying and wonderful to see someone press the plunger of the syringe and quickly have a rush of euphoria, pure joy. Levi would have naturally gravitated towards it. Erwin was imagining Levi hunched over, digging around in his arm with a needle for a vein. “Erwin?” Erwin blinked rapidly a few times and noticed he was breathing a bit faster.

“Right. I should at least mention this to him so he can tell his doctor or bring it up at therapy, if he's going. The subconscious attraction to it, I mean, not the other part.” 

“What if that's not enough?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"He absolutely knows that heroin is bad for him. He knows it could kill him. But a syringe was the first thing from this life that reminded him of you. It reminded him of the last time we saw you alive.” Erwin squinted his eyes, wishing he could think of a way to redirect the conversation. “He needs you to teach him that syringes aren't important anymore.” The side of Erwin's mouth twitched to the side. He ran his free hand into his hair nervously.

“It's not safe to manipulate him this time around, Hange.” Hange was quiet for a moment. She was surprised at the blunt honesty. 

“Erwin,” Hange said. “The modern military uses mild brainwashing by teaching soldiers cadences, you know? Singing really violent verses with a cheerful, rhythmic tune will desensitize soldiers to the violence they have to see. But it's to protect their life. It's to protect their mind from fully comprehending the way they see their dead friends until they are in a safe area. Sometimes they never actually process it at all. That type of brain manipulation is very important to someone who has to manage a large amount of stress.” 

“Right.” Some of Erwin's favorite cadences from the Army flashed through his mind. 

“And you were capable of using that type of positive manipulation in Levi's first life too, Erwin. You helped him to manage the insurmountable amount of stress that would break a weaker man. He trusted you more than anyone else, and therefore you commanded a perfect weapon,” Hange said. There wasn't any accusation in her voice, but Erwin's discomfort was steadily growing. He didn't want to think of his relationship with Levi in that way. Levi was so much more than a weapon. “You still left all of his personality intact. You didn't bind him to a doctrine. You showed him a different way to see things without changing his core sense of self, and that's amazing.” Erwin stared down at the plate of food in front of him. His appetite was gone. “I know it makes you uncomfortable to talk about that ability, but it has saved lives, Erwin. Your modern sensibilities and morals are the only things getting in the way now. As a Commander, you knew that people needed that type of help even if it seemed strange or heinous at times.” 

“I can support him without those tactics this time. I have more resources at my disposal.” 

“But Levi needs it now. He's needs his Commander.” Erwin cleared his throat and adjusted his weight on the bar stool. He pushed the plate on the counter away from him. “Commander.” 

“Yes-” Erwin blurted. He instantly caught his mistake, and Hange had made her point clear. 

“See?” Hange said. “Those little pieces of our past have so stubbornly settled into our minds. That's who we are. Levi's most important responsibility revolved around a syringe, Erwin. Take it away from him.” 

“I won't,” Erwin snapped. “He's too fragile.” 

“And he wasn't fragile then? After watching his mother's body rot? Abusive father figure? Anyone he ever grew close to died right in front of him, Erwin. Everyone. Don't insult him by saying he's too weak now. He's been through worse,” Hange insisted. Erwin clenched his jaw and stared at nothing in front of him. 

“You could understand if you had seen him, Hange,” Erwin said firmly. “If I make a mistake, any tiny miscalculation, he'll be gone again. I am _not_ taking that risk.” 

On the other side of the phone, Hange's eyes had spread wide. She hadn't heard that voice, the Commander's voice, in so long. This was important, and she couldn't back down. Erwin was still as intimidating as he had ever been, but she had to be firm. In his mind, he was standing between Levi and further harm, of course he was defensive.

“That voice you're using right now,” Hange asserted. “Is exactly what he needs to hear. If you use that voice and take away the worst mistake he's ever made-” 

“That's my choice,” Erwin snapped. His blood was pumping so hard, he could feel his pulse in his neck. “If I never relieve him of that burden, then that's my decision to make.” Automatically, Erwin took his hand out of his hair and put it over his chest, over the tattoo he had gotten a few months previously. 

“Yes, sir,” Hange said firmly. Erwin swallowed. He knew he had pissed her off, but he was angry too. Really though, he should be the one restraining himself. Hange was just trying to help, and he had come very close to losing his temper. Erwin took the phone away from his ear for a moment and closed his eyes. He inhaled deeply, and counted to five. Then, he exhaled the breath slowly. Erwin's hand dropped from his chest and rested on the top of the kitchen island. When he felt like he could speak calmly again, Erwin put the phone back to his ear.

“Hange,” Erwin said, opening his eyes. 

“Yes.” 

“I'm glad Levi found you,” Erwin said gently. “I can't talk to anyone else like this.” The praise slightly smoothed Hange's hackles. 

"Sure." 

"You are an excellent friend," Erwin said. "And I always want your advice." 

“Just suck my strap-on while you're at it,” Hange quipped. Snapping back at Erwin made her feel quite a bit better. Erwin laughed and his eyes creased with the big smile. He could hear Hange chuckle on the other end of the line. That's what he appreciated most about Hange. She was never irritated for very long, not that he had ever seen. 

“I'm serious, Hange,” Erwin said lightly. “I'm glad that I have you again. Thank you for discussing this with me.” 

“Love you too, honey bun,” Hange giggled. “I have to go. This bacteria needs my attention more than you do.” 

“Alright then,” Erwin said. 

“Text me and let me know how he is.” 

“I will.” 

“Bye bye!” 

“Goodbye, Hange.” Erwin took the phone away from his ear and ended the call. He put his phone on the kitchen island and stared at it for a while. The dread and excitement of seeing Levi the next night was still throbbing his chest. Talking about it had not helped at all, and Hange's advice had only disturbed him more. Erwin picked up his phone again and opened Levi's text message. He read Levi's words again. The messages were short and cold, but they were from Levi. That's all he wanted. Erwin just wanted more of Levi's words. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to Sithiere for beta reading this chapter. Because I already know where this story is going, it's damn near impossible for me to read it with fresh eyes. I can only see the bigger picture now, and I can't imagine what it's like to read it for the first time. Without her consultation, I believe that I would've botched this chapter. I am the limp spaghetti noodle, and she's the one who straightens my shit out.
> 
> I've been updating frequently because I don't want to drag out the emotional tension of their separation too much. I know the uncertainty of an reunion can be annoying (thrilling, but annoying if it lasts too long). However, now that this chapter has been posted, I can slow down a bit. There's a lot of shit to juggle in this story, and I want to make it as easy to understand as possible. Reincarnation universes are a lovely challenge, but can be fucked up easily. 
> 
> Thank you for your continued support. Feel free to talk to me on [tumblr](http://valisi-clark.tumblr.com/) or to comment here with questions / observations / predictions.


	9. Bold

The next night, Erwin stepped out of the shower to dry off. He patted the towel on his face, and looked to the bathroom counter. The light on his phone was blinking to signal a notification. Erwin dried his hands off and wrapped the towel around his shoulders. 

He crossed the bathroom and picked up his phone. It was a text message from Levi. Erwin closed his eyes and put the phone back on the counter. _“He's canceling.”_ Erwin inhaled and opened his eyes again. He couldn't pick up the phone though. Erwin wrapped his towel around his waist and forced himself to take his phone from the counter. He walked through the bathroom and went into his bedroom to sit down on the bed. Even if he was still wet from the shower, Erwin needed to sit down to think about what he was about to read. 

Erwin swiped his thumb across the screen of his phone and pulled up the text. 

_Levi: The club is a bad idea. Think of something else._

Erwin blinked at his phone, not completely understanding. So, Levi really did want to talk then. He wouldn't have asked Erwin for another suggestion if he wanted to completely cancel. Maybe Levi had been too nervous initially and only realized later that a loud and flashy club wasn't appropriate.

_Erwin: Think of something else?_

_Levi: Yeah_

Erwin swallowed and thought about his options. He closed the text message and pulled up his web browser. _“I should just invite him over here,”_ Erwin thought. He Googled coffee shops. _“I could take him to the coffee shop we were supposed to go to two years ago,”_ Erwin mused. _"But if that reminds him of two years ago, that could make him nervous. I should just invite him over here. That might scare him off. He could outright refuse.”_ Erwin closed his eyes tightly and thought about it. _“ But I want him to come home. I can control our environment easier at home.”_ Erwin nodded and opened his eyes again. He closed the web browser and pulled up the text message again. His anxiety grew while he typed out the words, but he sent the message anyway.

_Erwin: Come over to my house for dinner tomorrow night._

Erwin hit send and turned the screen off. He was glad Levi had changed his mind. He wasn't too excited to go out to a loud club on a Thursday night and go to work the next morning. His phone rang again almost immediately, and he picked it up to read the text. 

_Levi: It's not a good idea to invite a junkie into your home_

Erwin tilted his head while staring at the words. _“Is that what you honestly think, Levi?”_ Erwin shook his head and furrowed his brows in disbelief. _“How am I supposed to even answer that?”_ Erwin typed the first thing that came to mind. Levi hadn't said no. That was progress. It was gamble, but Erwin felt like he could press a little harder. 

_Erwin: I'm not inviting a junkie into my home. I'm having my Captain over for dinner. What do you want to eat?_

Erwin read Levi's text again. He didn't like that Levi referred to himself as a junkie. It sounded like such an ugly word. _"What have you done to yourself, Levi?”_ Levi's behavior over the last couple of years began to make more sense to Erwin. Levi didn't trust himself. More importantly, he expected Erwin to not trust him. Erwin was staring off into space, lost in thought. _“You hid from me for two years because you thought I shouldn't trust you? That's unrealistic. Not wanting to be with me in this life would have been more reasonable than this, Levi.”_ Erwin's phone rang again. He looked down at the phone. 

_Levi: Red meat. Will anyone else be joining us?_

_Erwin: No._

_Levi: What time?_

_Erwin: What time are you off work?_

_Levi: 5_

_Erwin: Come over after work. You can even come over tonight if you like._

_Levi: Not tonight you aren't going to be able to go to school and teach the kiddies if I come over tonight._

Erwin chuckled at the text. He didn't know if Levi had intended for it to sound sexual, but it did. It seemed like Levi was feeling a bit flirtatious suddenly.

_Erwin: They'll be fine. I'll call in sick._

_Levi: I'll be there tomorrow, Erwin. I promise._

Erwin laughed at the ridiculousness of the entire situation. After two years, Levi was texting him. He laid down on the bed, staring at his phone, at Levi's words. Levi had promised, and for Levi a promise was as valuable as his own life. At least, for Captain Levi, a promise could never be broken. But Erwin wouldn't know very much about this Levi until he could speak with him again. There might not be anything left of the Captain. Heroin could've taken him away. 

_Erwin: Alright. I'll see you tomorrow then. You have my address?_

He added a smiling emoji. 

_Levi: Erwin, don't start sending those fucking things and yes I have your address_

Erwin flooded the screen with smiles and sent the message. Levi didn't respond right away, but Erwin was grinning from ear to ear. 

_Levi: You should have NEVER been put into a time era with this type of technology_

Erwin went into the list of his emojis and picked several random ones, daring to include a kissing emoji. He sent the message. 

_Levi: What does that even mean? How can I even answer this kind of shit?_

Erwin sent Levi a poop emjoi. 

_Levi: Don't literally send shit to my phone! What the fuck, Erwin?_

Erwin laughed out loud. He laughed loudly enough that he covered his mouth with his hand. He couldn't remember the last time he laughed so much. When he composed himself again, he returned to texting Levi. 

_Erwin: Fine. I'll stop. But I'm going to pout._

_Levi: Don't trip on your lip. I'll see you tomorrow._

_Erwin: Tomorrow then. Goodnight, Levi._

Erwin laid back on his bed and read through Levi's text messages again. Every word felt important. He noticed something that he hadn't caught earlier in one of Levi's messages. Erwin squinted at his phone and read the message again.

_Levi: Will anyone else be joining us?_

Erwin titled his head, reading the words again. 

_Levi: Will anyone else be joining us?_

He mouthed the words, trying to imagine Levi's tone. Erwin imagined Levi's voice asking the words. There was something under that message that Erwin didn't fully understand. He could hear Levi's tone clearly in his head, but he couldn't figure out the underlying implication. Erwin put his phone down and stared at his ceiling. He thought about the words and contemplated them. _"Who else would be here?”_ Erwin stared at the smooth ceiling of his bedroom, and he felt the pieces slowly fall into place. _“You meant a new partner for me, didn't you, Levi.”_ Erwin's eyebrows furrowed. _“I can't believe you would even entertain that idea.”_ He picked up his phone and pulled up the text message again. 

_Erwin: Levi, when you were asking if anyone else would be joining us, you wanted to know if I'm in a relationship?_

Erwin waited. Levi didn't immediately respond. He turned the phone screen off and decided to actually dry off. He had made the green duvet wet by laying on it. 

Erwin stood and went back to the bathroom to properly dry off using his towel. When he felt dry, he combed his hair and brushed his teeth. 

After grooming himself, Erwin went back to the bed and checked his phone. Levi still had not answered. Erwin went to his closet and found his favorite pair of sleeping pants. He slipped into them and decided he wanted a drink before bed. 

Erwin grabbed his phone on the way out of the bedroom and went to the kitchen. Levi still had not responded. Erwin took a glass from the cabinet and poured some Jack Daniel's in the glass. While he was pouring, his phone rang again. Erwin put two fingers against the glass to see how much he had poured. Just right. He put the Jack Daniel's bottle down and picked up his phone. 

_Levi: Are you?_

Erwin stared at the words. _“Unbelievable,”_ he thought. He lifted his whiskey glass to his lips and drank some of the liquid. Obviously, he would tell Levi the truth. However, he wanted to add something to it. Erwin was ready to take some control back. While he certainly didn't want to make Levi uncomfortable, he understood that Levi's self-image seemed to be in poor condition. It had probably been that way for the entire time they were separated, and he wouldn't stand for that. It disturbed him to think of Levi as uncertain. _"Maybe it would be alright to be the Commander for him again. Just this once."_ Erwin took another sip of the alcohol before typing out a response. 

_Erwin: No. Pack an overnight bag._

He sent the text and took another large swallow of the whiskey. It had been a bold move, and it could scare Levi off. But if there was anything left of his Captain's original personality, Levi would respond with a dismissive but agreeable answer. That was assuming that Levi still wanted to try and salvage what they had left. In fact, a lot of assumptions were put into the message. It was a gamble, but Erwin felt like it would pay off. His intuition has strongly encouraged him to push. Just the right amount of pressure could bring Levi home for good. Erwin took a deep breath and released it. Then, he swallowed another drink of whiskey. It emptied the glass. His phone rang. 

_Levi: Alright_

Erwin smiled at the phone in his hand. 

_“Hello again, Captain.”_


	10. Dinner

The next day, Erwin lifted the lid of the grill on his back porch to check and see if it was hot enough for the steaks. He had almost forgotten to get a fresh propane container on the way home with all of his excitement. That's when his phone rang. Erwin looked at the caller ID. 

_“Levi.”_ He answered the call. “How do you like your steak?” 

“Medium,” Levi said. “But not bloody, so if you overcook it a little, that's fine.” Erwin smiled. Levi's voice sounded exactly as he remembered. The excitement in Erwin's chest was vibrating so hard it hurt a little, but he knew he needed to maintain the conversation. 

“I typically cook mine medium too. How was your day?” 

“Fine,” Levi said. “Yours?” 

“Most of my classes watched a movie today,” Erwin admitted. “But I caught up on my grading.” 

“I bet that you graded easier today too,” Levi teased. Erwin smiled. 

“Probably.” 

“I need to talk to you about something.” Instantly, Erwin was worried this was Levi's apology call to say he couldn't make it, for whatever reason. But he kept his tone even. Levi had promised, after all.

“I'm listening.” 

“I have a daily routine,” Levi explained. “It helps my mind to not wander. Keeps stress under control.” Erwin nodded, understanding. Levi was concerned about losing control still. 

“How can I help?” 

“If you could unlock the door for me, so when I get there I don't have to wait on you to open it, that would help,” Levi said. Erwin walked away from the grill and back into the house. 

“Absolutely. What else?” He walked through the living room towards the front door while he listened to Levi.

“As soon as I get home from work, I shower. Then, I typically eat. Then smoke. After that, I read or watch Youtube videos of trash reality shows. Then, smoke again before bed.” Erwin unlocked the door. 

“All of that sounds good,” Erwin said. “So you're on your way?” 

“I packed a bag this morning,” Levi said. Erwin smiled. This was it. Levi was coming home. Even if they only spent a single night under the same roof together, Erwin could be satisfied. He began walking to the back porch again to put the steaks on. 

“Good,” Erwin muttered. 

“Traffic is fucked,” Levi said. Erwin chuckled. “I'll be there soon.” 

“Be careful.” 

“I will.” Levi hung up. Erwin pulled the phone from his ear and turned off the screen. It sounded like Levi was rather nervous as well. Maybe Levi was just focused on traffic. Friday rush hour traffic was the worst.

Later, Erwin had taken the steaks off the grill and put them in the microwave to stay warm while he prepared the vegetables and potatoes. The only thing that kept him calm was focusing on making dinner. A couple of times, he caught his hands shaking. When that happened, he would stop and collect himself. If Levi was nervous, he couldn't afford to be nervous too. One of them needed to be calm. 

About forty minutes after that, while he was making a salad, he heard the front door open. 

“Hey,” he heard Levi's voice. His voice, in the flesh, after two years. Erwin dropped everything and wiped his hands off on a kitchen towel before he headed to the front door. 

When he turned the corner and looked into the foyer, he saw Levi was leaning against the wall of the foyer, taking he tennis shoes off at the door and pushing them against the wall so they were out of the way. Levi was in mint green scrubs with a black long sleeved shirt under them. There was big black duffle bag on the floor next to the door. His hair was cut short, with the undercut still visible. It was his hairstyle from their first life. He looked amazing, so healthy. His muscles were more filled out, and he looked like he actually ate regularly. There was a grocery bag in his other hand. 

“Hello, Levi,” Erwin said. Levi looked up and at Erwin from head to toe. 

Erwin was in a button down cream colored shirt, and he was wearing black slacks and black socks. It was probably what he wore for school. Now his hair was different than it had been two years ago. It was in the style Levi recognized from their first life, perfectly maintained. Erwin looked like the young Erwin that Levi remembered. Levi felt like he was looking at the man who captured him in the Underground so long ago. In only two years, Erwin's shoulders had broadened, and he definitely looked more like the Commander than he had when Levi first saw him.

“Hey,” Levi said again, at a loss for better words. He couldn't even say Erwin's name. Levi's eyes continued to move over Erwin. He waited, but Erwin didn't approach him. Levi leaned down and picked up his big bag. 

“There are two bedrooms on the left side of the hall,” Erwin said. “You can take whichever one you like.” Levi nodded and he approached Erwin. Erwin watched Levi walk towards him. The familiar image was overwhelming even if he wasn't wearing a Survey Corps uniform. Levi's walk had the same pace, like a stalking cat. When Levi stopped in front of Erwin, they stood awkwardly in front of each other, looking each other over. Erwin was smiling down at him softly. He saw that Levi's pupils were still pinned in the center of his silver irises. Methadone caused pinned pupils, but the main difference was that Levi's eyes looked very clear, alert. “You look good.” Levi felt heat rush up his neck. 

“You too.” 

“I like your scrubs,” Erwin said. Levi looked down at his shirt, grabbing the bottom hem and holding the shirt out to inspect it further. “What is it?” Erwin asked curiously, following Levi's looks.

“Making sure I don't have anything on my shirt,” Levi said. 

“What?” Levi looked up at Erwin's eyes, dropping the hem of his shirt. 

“I'm a dental hygienist now,” Levi said. “You would be amazed at what kind of shit pops out of people's mouths and onto your clothes during a cleaning.” Erwin cringed and laughed. Levi grinned. He looked proud. Erwin's lips split in a wide smile. 

“You went to school?”

“I went to a community college.” 

“Oh,” Erwin's voice was soft. He was beaming, and Levi could feel the corners of his own mouth turn up. “I like that color on you.” Levi huffed and shoved the grocery bag at Erwin, and Erwin took it, peeking inside. Bananas were in the bag, for muscle cramps he guessed. Erwin smiled as he watched Levi walk past. They went to their respective areas of the house. 

Erwin went back to the kitchen and began focusing on dinner again. First, he took Levi's bananas out of the bag and set them on the counter, out of the way but in plain sight. 

The dark hardwoods flowed throughout the house, and Levi liked the way it looked. He paused at the entrance of the hallway. There were two open doors on the left side, both with light streaming from them into the hall. One closed door was dead center at the end of the hall. Two doors were on the right, and only one of them was open, but the room was dark. Levi walked down the hallway and looked into both rooms on the left. Both bedrooms had a queen sized bed in them and were sparsely decorated. The most decorative thing in either room were the dark wood bed frames and nightstands to either side of the bed. One room had a yellow bedspread and the other had blue. From the light of the adjacent room, Levi could see the open door on the right was a bathroom due to the tiled floor, but he couldn't see any other details of it. 

Levi looked between the two bedrooms and chose the room with the blue bedspread. He walked into it and shut the door behind him. With a deep inhale, Levi stared at the almost empty room. Part of him wished Erwin had planned for them to sleep in the same bed. He knew that was a lot to ask, but he had missed Erwin. Seeing him had only made the ache in his chest sharper. Levi swallowed and walked over to the small door which he supposed was a closet. 

When Levi opened the door to the closet, he dropped his duffle bag in the floor of the closet and knelt down, unzipping his bag. He had packed for two nights, but he thought whether or not he stayed another night would depend on how dinner went. If things didn't go well, he might need to leave in a hurry. Rather than fully unpacking, as he had originally intended, Levi only pulled out the clothes he would change into after he showered and his large toiletry bag.

Levi stood from his knees fluidly and turned around to the nightstand on the side of the bed he wanted to use. He put his clothes and toiletry bag on the bed. Unzipping the black bag, he pulled out his medicine bottles. Levi put his bottles of Citolapram, Clonazepam, Melatonin and assorted vitamins on the nightstand. The last bottle, his Methadone, he held in his hand for a moment. As a nervous habit, he opened the bottle and looked in it. He still had plenty of pills. Levi capped the bottle and put it on the nightstand with the others. Then, he rearranged them in the order he would take them later that night or in the morning. Levi pulled his cellphone out of one of his scrub pockets and put it on the nightstand. He would plug it up later. When he was satisfied with the arrangement, he zipped up his toiletry bag again and picked it and the pile of fresh clothes up off the bed. 

Levi crossed the room and opened the bedroom door. He looked down the hallway and could hear Erwin in the kitchen. Crossing the hallway, Levi leaned into the bathroom and turned on the light. 

The bathroom was small, but Levi loved the design. The walls were painted a plain white, and the long counter top was black. Behind the counter top was a flat mirror secured to the wall. The white sink was mounted under the counter, and Levi liked that. It made the surface easier to clean. Across the room was a large, glass enclosed shower. He could clearly see the rainfall shower head beyond the glass. Levi had never been in a shower with one of those before. 

Quickly, Levi closed the door behind him and ripped his clothes off, excited to try Erwin's shower. 

When he had made sure all of dinner was ready, Erwin sat down at the dining table while he waited for Levi. He pulled his phone out and checked his Facebook. Nothing, as usual. So he went to Reddit and entertained himself by reading until he heard Levi walking the hallway. He heard Levi's steps hesitate while he looked for Erwin. 

“In here,” Erwin called gently. Levi walked into the dining room from the kitchen, and Erwin turned around. Levi's hair was still damp and he was in a loose, pale gray short-sleeved shirt and black sweat pants with black socks on his feet. Levi's arms were exposed now, and Erwin tried not to stare at the crook of Levi's elbows to look for marks. There was a silver horseshoe ring hanging from Levi's septum, like he remembered from two years before. He looked so relaxed and calm. Nothing like he had been when Erwin first found him. “Hungry?” 

“Fuck yes,” Levi nodded. Erwin smiled and stood from his place at the table. 

“Can I serve your plate?” He heard Levi following him.

“I'll get it,” Levi said. Levi looked at Erwin's white cabinets and black counter tops, liking the classy look. It matched the bathroom. Erwin went to the correct cabinet and pulled two white plates down. He held one out to Levi. Levi took the plate with both hands. Erwin set his own plate down on the counter and closed the cabinet. 

He slid past Levi and opened the microwave door. The steaks were still warm, and he set them to the side of the range on the counter. 

“Help yourself,” Erwin offered. Levi lifted the lid of one of the pots on the stove. Mashed potatoes. He put the lid down and lifted the lid of the other pot. Broccoli. 

“Good choices,” Levi commented before he began serving his plate. 

“Thank you,” Erwin responded quietly. “Salad too. I'll put it out,” he said before he walked to the refrigerator. He put the salad out and walked around Levi to get his own plate. “What do you want to drink?” 

“Water is good,” Levi said. 

“Glasses are in the cabinet next to the fridge,” Erwin offered. 

“Silverware?” 

“The drawer to the left of the stove.” 

Both men fixed their plates and drinks, and they moved to the large table in the dining room. Erwin sat in his seat at the end of the table, and naturally, Levi sat to Erwin's left. They didn't make small talk. In fact, they didn't speak except for Levi commenting on the food.

“Perfect steak,” Levi muttered. 

“Thank you,” Erwin said. Erwin couldn't focus on eating very much anyway, even if he was hungry. Levi was at his table, eating his food and looking like his old self. Of course, Levi barely looked up from his plate. He ate ravenously at first, like he had never eaten in his life. Then, he began slowing down. 

Erwin sat back when he was finished, and Levi was still picking at his food, trying to finish the whole plate. He had slowed down quite a bit though, and it became obvious to both of them that Levi would have leftovers. Eventually, Levi finally gave up trying to finish the plate and he sat back in his chair. He reached out for his glass of water and took several long drinks. 

“Better?” Erwin asked with a smile. Levi nodded and drank some more water. Erwin took his own glass and finished his water. 

“Do you have a lot of people over for food?” Levi asked. “This is a giant table for one man.” The long, dark wood table sat eight. 

“Sometimes I'll invite everyone over for dinner,” Erwin said. 

“Everyone?” Levi asked. 

“Mike and Nanaba, Hange and Moblit,” Erwin offered. Levi nodded. 

“How are they?” 

“Good.” 

“Let me clean up,” Levi offered. Erwin nodded, and Levi stood from the table. 

“I have a dishwasher,” Erwin said.

“Do you have a drying rack?” 

“No, actually,” Erwin chuckled. Levi rolled his eyes. 

“Guess what you're getting for Christmas,” Levi teased. Erwin shrugged, unable to answer. Levi took their plates and silverware and walked away from the table.

When Levi had left the room, Erwin lifted his hands and rubbed his face with both them, not being able to believe everything was going so smoothly already. Like they had never been apart. He had first date jitters, and that made Erwin feel rather ridiculous, childish even.

 _“Levi's home.”_ Erwin pulled his hands away from his face and patted at his hair to see if he had disturbed it. His phone rang and he fished it out of his pants pocket. 

_Mike: How's Levi?_

_Erwin: Excellent._

_Mike: Has Hange been blowing up your phone?_

_Erwin: No?_

_Mike: That's because she's been blowing up mine telling me to text you and ask about Levi. So I guess I can text her back in a few hours and tell her that he's fine. Good night._

Erwin chuckled. 

_Erwin: Thank you. Good night, Mike._

Erwin put his phone away. 

“Who's that?” Levi called from the kitchen. Erwin stood from his chair and pushed it under the table before he walked into the kitchen. He leaned against the door frame and watched Levi move around the kitchen. Levi had an unpeeled, half eaten banana in one hand while he moved around the kitchen. 

“It was Mike,” Erwin said. Levi stopped moving for a second, and worry shot through Erwin's head. _“Don't panic, darling.”_ But then Levi started moving again. Erwin turned the light to the dining room off.

“Is everything okay?” Levi scarfed down the rest of the banana and looked around for a trash can to discard the peel. He had to open several cabinets, but found it eventually. 

“Everything is great,” Erwin said. “I don't think I mentioned he and Nanaba were married this year. I was distracted, I guess. It was a busy year.” Levi looked at the pots on the eyes of the range. 

“Was it a nice wedding?” 

“We all went to the courthouse and went to a bar afterwards. It was nice. I had a good time.” Levi nodded. 

“How are you washing pots or pans without a drying rack or pad?” Levi accused. Erwin smiled. 

“I put them in the dishwasher,” he admitted. Levi turned around and glared at Erwin. 

“How old are you?” 

“29.” 

“And you don't hand wash your pots?” Erwin shrugged and held his hands out in front of him helplessly. Levi shook his head and began putting the empty pots in the dishwasher. “We're getting you a drying rack tomorrow as a late birthday present. Your helpless ass cannot wait for a Christmas intervention.” Erwin chuckled. Levi had remembered his birthday then. Levi closed the dishwasher door and started the machine. He turned and looked at Erwin then. Erwin's back bone straightened automatically. 

“I forgot my cigarettes in my bag,” Levi said as he turned and walked towards the hallway. Erwin put his hands in his pockets and looked at the floor. 

_“Patience,”_ Erwin reminded himself. He took his hands out of his pockets. He moved to the back of the house and opened the door to the back porch. The light autumn air was cool, and Erwin was glad. He stepped out on the porch in his sock feet, not bothering to turn on the porch light, and wiggled his toes against the cool concrete under them. The dark night was comforting. 

Erwin adjusted two chaise lounge patio chairs the way he wanted them, facing both chairs out towards the back of the privacy fence, and put the cigarette butt can between the chairs. He took a seat and reclined in the chair. That's when he heard Levi close the door and walk around to the other chair. Levi sat in the chair, but he didn't lean back. He criss-crossed his legs in front of him and leaned over his fresh pack of cigarettes in his lap. 

Levi started patting the cigarette pack against the heel of his hand to pack the tobacco, and he unwrapped the plastic. He dropped his plastic in the butt can. Erwin yawned. 

“Sleepy?” Levi asked. 

“I ate too many potatoes,” Erwin said. Levi laughed lightly. 

“There's no way,” Levi said. “That's all we ever ate.” Erwin laughed then. 

“And bacon,” Erwin said. Levi nodded and opened his pack. “What kind are those?” Levi popped the capsule in the filter of the cigarette to flood it with more menthol. 

“Camel Menthol Silvers. Super menthol,” he said. “But the light kind.” Erwin smiled. 

“The light kind,” he repeated with a chuckle. 

“If we had menthol back then, I would've killed myself on them,” Levi said. He put his pack in his lap and then reclined in the chair, stretching out his legs. 

“We wouldn't have been able to smoke them without a filter on the cigarette,” Erwin said. “We had pure tobacco back then.” Levi nodded and struck his lighter, holding the flame to the end of his cigarette. Erwin watched the flame illuminate Levi's face for the brief moment. Levi breathed behind the inhale to force the smoke into his lungs, and Erwin heard Levi smack his lips together when he pulled the cigarette from his mouth. It was sexy. Erwin closed his eyes and focused on not getting an erection.

“Do you smoke this time around?” Levi looked down at the butt can. 

“Sometimes,” Erwin said. “I keep the can here for Mike.” 

“Want one?” Levi asked. Erwin smiled. 

“Yes,” he said, opening his eyes again. Levi opened his pack and offered one to Erwin. Erwin took a cigarette between his fingers, and Levi stared at the right arm for a minute. Then, Levi remembered himself and struck the lighter. Erwin leaned into it until the end was lit. When the flame illuminated Erwin's eyes, Levi had to stifle a shudder that threatened to shake him to his core. He was able to relax again once they were in the dark. 

“If you want your menthol to be super, you have to pop the thing,” Levi said. He dragged again. Erwin took the cigarette out of his mouth and squeezed the filter. There was a little pop between his finger and thumb. He returned the cigarette to his mouth and inhaled. The cooling sensation was very different. Erwin exhaled. 

“I like that,” he commented, licking his lips. Levi cleared his throat before taking another drag. If Erwin continued to say unintentionally sexy phrases, Levi was going to have a problem. Erwin switched his cigarette to his left hand. Levi saw Erwin switch the cigarette to his other hand and wanted to reach out and touch Erwin, but he was too anxious. Levi felt like he was on a first date, and it made him feel stupid.

“You know what else is badass?” Levi asked. 

“In comparison to our first life? Electricity,” Erwin said. 

“That shower you have back there,” Levi said. Erwin smiled so widely that his eyes creased. He dragged on his cigarette. “I was so glad for indoor plumbing back then, but now I've realized just how shitty it was. Whatever dumbasses built that sewer system should've been shot. ” Erwin coughed the smoke out of his lungs, and Levi smiled. Erwin laughed. 

“I remember that,” he said. “The toilets were awful. I'm glad we're here now.” 

“I miss flying though,” Levi said. 

“Me too. I miss seeing you fly.” 

“I know. You only skipped work almost ever other day just to come stare at me like a creeper.” 

“I wasn't trying to be creepy,” Erwin said, playfully lamenting. “But I liked seeing your tiny feet lift off the ground.” 

“Fuck off,” Levi snapped, but there was a hint of laughter in his voice. Erwin cleared his throat, trying very hard to not allow himself to turn the conversation to a sexual direction. 

“Well, you didn't allow me to stay long and watch you anyway,” Erwin said. It was a weak comment, but he was running out of things to say. 

“I'm the only one who was brave enough to keep you on your toes. Someone had to give you shit,” Levi said. “No one else was going to do it. ” Erwin dragged on his cigarette again. 

“Yeah,” Erwin said. “I guess someone had to keep me in line. God knows the government couldn't even handle me.” Levi swallowed hard and wanted to direct the conversation in a different way. Erwin helped him. “When did you get your nose ring?” Levi lifted his cigarette hand and mindlessly flicked the metal in his nose.

“This? I was a teenager,” he said. “A friend of mine had a cousin in a tattoo shop. I traded a week of cleaning for it. I flip it up when I'm at work.” Levi dragged on his cigarette again.

“Where did you grow up?” 

“Michigan,” Levi said. 

“Georgia is quite a change,” Erwin said. 

“It's warm. I fucking hate snow.” 

“I like it,” Erwin said. “The nose ring, I mean. Didn't you have to take it out when you were in the Marine Corps?” 

“I've taken it out a few times and had it redone every time,” Levi admitted. 

“Do you like it out here? Outside of the city?” 

“It's quiet.” 

“I like that too,” Erwin said. 

“Where did you grow up?” Levi asked. 

“New York,” Erwin said. 

“Why did you move down here?” 

“I spent some time down here while I was in the Army, and I decided I liked the south. Everything moves a little slower down here. And I also dislike the snow.” Erwin wanted to know how Levi had ended up in Atlanta too, but he considered that Levi might have only been following drugs. He couldn't be sure, and didn't want to risk asking. They finished off their cigarettes in silence and tossed them in the butt can about the same time. 

“You have cable?” Levi asked.

“I do,” Erwin confirmed. They sat up in their chairs and stood. Erwin let Levi walk in front of him, and he watched Levi's perfectly healthy body move while they walked into the house. He couldn't believe the difference two years had made. Erwin hadn't realized how skinny Levi had been until he had seen him actually healthy. Levi opened the door and stepped inside. Erwin closed the door behind them, and Levi gravitated towards the large, black, L-shaped sectional. He settled into the corner of the couch. Erwin followed and sat close to Levi, but not too close. 

Levi found the remote on the coffee table and he turned on the TV. At first he was just flipping through channels, and then he settled on a trash reality TV show. 

“I love this shit so much,” Levi admitted. 

“Why?” Erwin's curiosity showed. 

“It's stupid,” Levi said. “It helps me wind down before bed.” 

“It doesn't frustrate you?” Levi turned his head and looked at Erwin. 

“Why would it?” Levi eyed him. Erwin shrugged. 

“I don't think the content is frustrating,” Erwin said. “It frustrates me that people think it's real though.” A corner of Levi's mouth tilted up. 

“Of course that would frustrate you,” Levi said. “Any time you think a large group of people are being deceived, you're personally offended.” Erwin felt heat rush to his cheeks. Hange was right. They were still the same after all of this time. Levi turned his attention back to the television and watched the drama unfold. Erwin was still staring at Levi, gazing over the his face. When Levi began worrying his bottom lip with his teeth, Erwin winced and had to look away. He had been fighting against an erection for most of the night, but seeing Levi bite on his bottom lip certainly made it more of a challenge. Erwin tried to zone out into the horrible show. 

After a few minutes, Erwin noticed that he stopped caring about anything important. The scripted drama numbed his brain. Even most of the commercials were bright, fast and pleasant to see. Erwin realized it had been a long while since he had simply watched television that didn't involve a documentary or something informative. In the back of his mind, he began to understand why that type of media appealed to people. Watching something so trivial made everything else in life seem easy in comparison. 

Levi realized he was watching a rerun about five minutes into the show, and he turned to look at Erwin. He grinned when he realized that Erwin was completely absorbed with the trash television. His eyes ran from Erwin's hair down his chest. 

_“Shit,”_ Levi thought. He didn't take his eyes from Erwin. Levi decided he wanted to move a little closer to Erwin, so he slid a couple of inches closer on the couch, but Erwin didn't even look away from the television screen. Since Erwin was distracted, Levi didn't bother trying to hide that he was staring. His eyes wandered from Erwin's blond hair, down his thick neck, to his chest again and finally rested on Erwin's crotch. Levi's eyes rested in Erwin lap until Erwin crossed his legs. Quickly, Levi looked away and pretended to watch television in case Erwin had caught him staring. _“I'm an idiot.”_

Levi stood from the couch, and Erwin finally looked away from the television. He watched Levi walk around the edge of the couch and turn to disappear down the hallway. Then, Erwin turned his attention back to the television, but the show wasn't as interesting anymore. He was more interested in what was going on it Levi's head, and he speculated what might be happening. However, he couldn't be sure. 

Levi walked down the hallway and went into the bathroom. He turned on the light and closed the door behind him. With a heavy breath, Levi leaned over the bathroom counter and avoided looking in the mirror. He let his fingers run against the edge of the granite counter top around the sink. Levi swallowed and closed his eyes. 

_“Say you're tired and go to bed,”_ Levi told himself. _“He's got to be tired too. He's been babysitting brats all day.”_ Levi clenched his eyes shut a bit tighter. After taking another breath, Levi opened his eyes and picked up his toothbrush from the toiletry bag he had left in the bathroom earlier. While he brushed his teeth, he turned his back to the mirror and leaned against the counter top. Levi brushed his teeth slowly, focusing on cleaning each individual tooth. When he began to feel some discomfort on his gums, he took the toothbrush out of his mouth and avoided the mirror while he turned around. After washing his mouth out, Levi wiped his mouth on one of Erwin's hand towels. It was soft, and he enjoyed rubbing it against his face. 

Putting his toothbrush back in place, Levi opened the bathroom door. He crossed the hallway and went into the bedroom where he would be sleeping. Levi went to the nighstand and put an anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, Melatonin and a multi-vitamin pill in his hand. He realized that he didn't have a glass of water, and he popped all of the medication in his mouth. Levi turned and walked out of the bedroom, back to the bathroom. He leaned over the sink, turned on the tap and cupped some water in his hand. Levi swallowed all of his medication with a couple of handfuls of water. 

Levi stood erect and wiped his mouth on the soft towel again. He swallowed again, and let go of the towel as he walked out of the bathroom, turning off the light. When he passed the room with the yellow bedspread, Levi walked into it and turned off the lamp so Erwin wouldn't have to do it later. 

When he walked back into the hallway, he looked to the last door on the right. 

_“That's Erwin's room,”_ he thought. Levi wanted to look at it. He listened and couldn't hear Erwin moving in the house. He suspected that Erwin was still watching the show. Silently, Levi moved down the hallway and carefully opened the door to Erwin's bedroom. He expected the door to squeak, but it didn't. 

When Levi looked into the dark room, he felt around to the wall on his left and found the light switch. When he flicked it on, the overhead light that was attached to a ceiling fan illuminated the room. The fan began spinning at a medium pace. It was Erwin's room. 

_“Still hot natured,”_ Levi thought when he looked at the fan. He looked around the rather bare room. Directly to his left, the wall was lined with bookshelves, filled to the brim with books. Against the center of the back wall, the bed frame was dark wood and it sat in the center of a giant, black rug. A solid hunter green bedspread was over the king sized bed. There were two nightstands made from dark wood on either side of it, lamps on both of them. A window was one either side of the bed, and another was placed to the left against the outer wall of the house. All of them were covered in thick black-out curtains. 

_“And still light sensitive,”_ Levi added. In the left corner of the room, Erwin had a little seating area with chairs that looked similar to the big arm chairs they had at headquarters all of those years ago and small table between them. A big, wooden trunk was at the foot of the bed in front of the dark foot board. The walls were painted a plain white. Two doors were on the right of the room, Erwin's bathroom and closet. Levi looked down the hallway and listened. He still didn't hear Erwin. Levi stepped into the room and pushed the door behind him. It didn't close all the way, but it was basically shut. 

He was amazed that Erwin had decorated using the colors and style of the Survey Corps. Levi looked over the room again. Everything was better quality, but it definitely reminded him of their first life. Levi moved to the bookcases and looked at some of the titles. They mostly seemed to be fiction of popular authors, which surprised him. He suspected that Erwin would only have non-fiction books. Levi thought of the other door in the hallway, and suspected that it led to Erwin's office. Erwin would probably keep his non-fiction books in his office then. Levi reached out and pulled at one of the spines of the books that didn't have a title on the spine. The book was nondescript and had a black cover. Levi opened the front cover of the book and flipped to the title page. 

_“The Gay Kama Sutra,”_ Levi smiled widely and shook his head. _“Still a pervert.”_ He almost laughed. Curiosity overwhelmed his better judgment, and Levi flipped into a page of the book that was bookmarked with a slim sticky note. He instantly knew what he was looking at, and he shut the book quickly. The heat he felt in his cheeks was intense. Levi swallowed and opened the book back to the same page. Erwin had bookmarked an image of two men fucking missionary, and the bottom's ankles were resting comfortably on the top's shoulders. That was one of Erwin's favorite positions, and Levi was familiar with it. Levi let himself look at the picture for a while longer. He imagined Erwin in place of the top and himself in place of the bottom. He couldn't remember when they had first tried that position. But he remembered the way Erwin would kiss and lick his ankles. He had a clear picture in his mind of Erwin's tongue running against the bone on the inside of his ankle, and Erwin would watch him, staring at his face while they fucked. Levi felt the stirring of an erection in his sweatpants, and he was breathing heavier. He regretted not wearing any underwear. Levi closed the book. Carefully, he put the book bag into the place where it had been. He tried his best to make sure that Erwin wouldn't notice. 

Levi left Erwin's bedroom and silently closed the bedroom door. He padded down the hall in his sock feet and looked around the corner into the living room. Erwin wasn't staring at the TV anymore. He had both feet on the floor again, leaned over his phone. 

Levi stepped into the living room fully then, and Erwin looked up with a smile. Erwin turned off the screen of his phone and set it beside him on the couch. Levi couldn't make himself walk around the sectional and go to Erwin. He needed to stand behind the couch and keep some distance between himself and Erwin. The image that he had seen in the book was too fresh in his mind, and he still felt some of the heat in his cheeks. He was still fighting against the tingling in his cock.

“Are you alright?” Erwin asked with a small smile. Levi nodded. 

“I'm umm,” Levi paused and swallowed. His mouth was watering. “I'm pretty tired.” Erwin nodded, still smiling. 

“Me too,” Erwin said. “You don't want your last cigarette before bed?” Levi shook his head and cleared his throat. 

“I've already brushed my teeth.” Erwin leaned over the grabbed the television remote. After turning off the TV, Erwin sat up again and looked back over to Levi. Levi was wiggling his toes in his socks, and he was glad that Erwin couldn't see. 

“Should I wake you up in the morning for some breakfast?” Levi nodded. “What's your favorite breakfast food, Levi?” 

_“Cock,”_ Levi thought. “Waffles,” was what he actually said. Erwin furrowed his brows and looked over to the kitchen. 

“I think I have a waffle maker,” Erwin mumbled. He shook his head. “Either way,” Erwin looked back to Levi. “If I don't have a waffle maker, we can go to the Waffle House.” Levi nodded. “Can I get you anything for your bedroom? Another blanket or a glass of water?” 

“No, thanks,” Levi said. Erwin stood from the couch, and Levi almost jumped out of his skin. Then, Erwin stretched, and Levi clenched his teeth, unable to take his eyes away, but desperately not wanting to look. After Erwin felt like he had stretched enough, he put his arms back down around his sides. He looked at Levi again. Erwin began walking around the couch. 

“You must be tired,” Erwin commented. “You're so quiet.” Levi rolled his eyes and quickly turned to go down the hallway again. 

“Night,” Levi said. 

“Good night, Levi,” Erwin said. “Sweet dreams.” Levi walked faster down the hallway and made it to his bedroom. He closed the door behind him, and leaned against it. His heart was pounding in his chest, and his breathing was faster than it should have been. 

Erwin watched Levi walk quickly down the hallway and almost slam the door. He furrowed his brows and wasn't completely sure how to feel about Levi's behavior. Really, Erwin was just glad to see Levi again even if their night had been awkward. Time would probably smooth everything over, like it had the first time. It had taken them a long time to for them to break down and give in the first time too. Erwin had been the initiator, and he could still remember Levi's look of surprise clearly. 

Erwin laughed and shook his head to clear it of the memories. He walked back over to the kitchen, wanting a quick drink before bed. 

When Levi felt that his chest wasn't rising of falling so heavily, he leaned away from the door. He gravitated towards his nightstand and picked up his phone. Levi turned out the lamp on the nightstand before sitting on the bed. He turned on the screen of his phone and unlocked it. He went to his pictures and opened the gallery. After scrolling for a while, he found the picture he wanted to see. The room was dark except for the light from his phone screen. 

Levi tapped the picture. It was the picture Erwin had sent him in a drunken email on New Year's Day. He smiled. The picture showed Erwin shirtless with his hair mussed. To Levi, it was obvious that Erwin was touching himself, from the look on his face, even though the picture only showed Erwin from the waist up. For a long time, Levi wished that Erwin had been brave enough to hold the camera lower. Levi felt his half-hard cock growing. Levi stared at the picture until his phone's screen turned off. Levi rolled his eyes and huffed and irritated breath. He turned on the screen and unlocked the phone again. Erwin's picture came back up. Levi's eyes scanned over the image. 

_“There's no way I can get through tonight without doing it,”_ Levi thought. _“My medicine will put me out soon enough, but I'll just wake up with blue balls.”_ Levi looked back down at the phone in his hand, at the picture. The look on Erwin's face was so beautiful. Levi licked his lips and looked around at the room in the dark. There wasn't anything he could clean up with. He could use his dirty work clothes, but that idea grossed him out. He didn't want to have to take come stained clothes to the laundromat, and he didn't want to associate his scrubs with masturbating. Levi's phone screen turned off. He looked back down at his phone in the dark and turned on the screen again. Swiping his thumb across the screen, Erwin's picture came back up. Levi's cock twitched and he huffed and irritated breath. _“Just go to the bathroom. Make it quick.”_

Levi stood from the bed and walked across the room in the dark. He opened his bedroom door. 

“Levi?” 

_“Fuck.”_ Levi stopped halfway through the hallway and looked to his right. He had been too hasty to fix his problem and hadn't considered Erwin might still be awake. Erwin was in the hallway, on his way to bed. There wasn't much light coming from the area of the kitchen. Erwin had only left the light on the hood over the stove on. Erwin stepped forward and leaned past Levi to turn on the bathroom light for him. 

“There,” Erwin said. Levi's breath caught in his chest. Erwin had taken off his button up shirt, and it was hanging over his arm. He was left only in a white, cotton undershirt and his slacks and socks. Levi's eyes automatically ran over Erwin's chest. Erwin looked down at Levi's hand and saw the phone in his hand. The screen hadn't turned off, and Erwin saw the picture he had sent Levi when he was drunk. But then, Erwin looked past the phone in Levi's hand and was able to clearly see Levi's erection in his sweatpants. He lifted his head and met Levi's eyes. “It's nice that you kept the picture.” 

Levi dropped his phone and grabbed the back of Erwin's neck. He pulled Erwin down, and their lips met. Unable to help himself, Levi inhaled sharply when their lips touched, taking in Erwin's scent. Their mouths opened together, and their tongues began running against one another. The kiss was urgent, and Levi was pulling at Erwin's white, cotton shirt with his free hand. Erwin's mouth tasted like whiskey and a hint of cigarette. When their mouths moved against each other, Levi groaned. He could feel the tips of his nose ring pressing against Erwin's lips with their motions. The hand around the back of Erwin's neck ran up into the blond hair. Levi's knees felt weak. 

Erwin dropped his button up shirt and put his hands on Levi's sides. He gripped the gray shirt in his fists and started pushing Levi into the bathroom. Levi stepped back, following Erwin's direction. Their eyes were closed, but they both knew where they were going. When Levi felt the bathroom counter touch his ass, he leaned back against it, and with Erwin's help, he was lifted from the floor and sat on the edge of the counter. Levi slid back too far, and Erwin grabbed him by his hips, pulling him forward. Erwin settled between Levi's legs and automatically began rutting against him, looking for sensation through their clothes. 

Levi pulled his hands away from Erwin, not breaking the kiss and moved them down to Erwin's pants. He broke the kiss, leaving both of them breathless and fussed with Erwin's button. When it was free, Levi unzipped Erwin's pants and saw Erwin's bulge against his gray boxer briefs. Levi shoved his hand in Erwin's pants and palmed his hard cock through the thin fabric of his underwear. Erwin gasped and closed his eyes. Levi watched Erwin's face, fascinated. It wasn't enough to touch Erwin through fabric anymore. Levi slid his hand up to the band of Erwin's underwear and slipped his hand under the last piece of fabric separating him from Erwin's cock. Erwin's palms hit the bathroom counter and he leaned over, mouth gasping for air. Levi pulled back and watched Erwin fall apart a little. 

With his free hand, Levi directed Erwin's face up and he pressed his lips to Erwin's again. Erwin forced his tongue past Levi's lips and began grinding into Levi's hand. Erwin took his hands from the bathroom counter and reached up, pushing his own underwear and pants down until they fell below his hips. Erwin broke their kiss that time and pushed his hands under Levi's shirt. He found the waistband of Levi's sweatpants and pulled them down as far as they would go. Levi lifted his hips from the bathroom counter with his free hand, and Erwin pulled Levi's pants down to his knees. Levi pulled his shirt off and tossed it carelessly. Erwin paused only for a moment when he saw Levi's Marine Corps tattoo in his chest. He had honestly forgotten it was there, and it reminded him of Levi fighting. But he was only distracted for a moment. 

When Levi's cock was free, Erwin leaned forward over the counter. He took Levi's cock in his hand and directed it towards him. Levi looked down, watching what Erwin was doing. Their cocks touched, and Levi understood what Erwin wanted. Levi wrapped his hand around Erwin's cock and pressed Erwin's cock to his own. Levi leaned in and pressed their mouths together again.

When Erwin moved their cocks against each other, Levi broke the kiss and his head fell back with a gasp. His eyes were opened wide, dark hair fell away from his face, hips still mindlessly moving to maintain the grinding. Erwin opened his eyes and watched. Levi's thick, white neck was exposed to him. Erwin's mouth dropped to Levi's neck, and he pressed his tongue against the skin. 

“Erwin,” Levi breathed, and he closed his eyes tightly, grinding their cocks together. Erwin started moving his hand slowly, and he watched Levi's body shudder with every little movement. 

“Levi,” Erwin muttered. He nipped at Levi's jaw. Then, he kissed down Levi's neck and down to Levi's collarbone. When he found a place he thought Levi's clothes could cover, his mouth opened and he sucked at the skin. Levi bucked under him and groaned through clenched teeth. Erwin's cock twitched against Levi's. He gave Levi's collarbone a bruising kiss. 

“Fuck, Erwin,” Levi gasped. Erwin opened his eyes and lifted his head to watch Levi's face. His brows were furrowed, eyes closed tightly, mouth ajar on panting breaths. Erwin tightened his grip around Levi's cock a bit, until he could feel his fingertips on his own cock. Then, Erwin began moving his hand faster along with rubbing his cock against Levi's. Levi shuddered and leaned back until his head hit the mirror. Erwin winced, but Levi didn't complain if it had hurt to hit his head. Little spasms were running through Levi's body. A few times his head raised from the mirror and landed against it again. Levi's hand was only loosely holding to Erwin's cock. Levi was losing focus, and Erwin felt like Levi could come soon if he maintained or even increased their pace. 

“Oh, Levi,” Erwin muttered, closing his eyes again. He swallowed and quickened the pace. 

“Don't make me come,” Levi gasped. Erwin opened his eyes and saw that Levi's body was trembling. His chest was rising and falling faster. Erwin didn't stop the motion, and Levi didn't pull away. 

“Please-” 

“I want to be fucked,” Levi opened his eyes halfway and looked at Erwin. “I want you to fuck me, Erwin.” Erwin nodded before he leaned forward and captured Levi's mouth again. Levi's hand pulled away, and Erwin followed the example. He wasn't done kissing Levi though. He explored Levi's mouth with his tongue. Levi's mouth tasted fresh and delicious. 

Erwin felt Levi's hand pushing at his chest. Erwin leaned back and panted a bit more. 

“Go,” Levi said, sliding forward on the counter. Erwin looked down and stepped out of his pants and underwear. He kicked them to the side near Levi's shirt. Levi hopped off the bathroom counter and leaned down to pull his sweatpants off his ankles. Then, his socks followed. Erwin saw the Survey Corps logo over a field of green, like their capes, on the inside of Levi's left calf. Erwin's heart skipped a beat.

“You have one too?” Erwin asked quietly. He stared at the ink of Levi's leg. 

“What?” Levi frowned up at him. Erwin lifted the right sleeve of his undershirt and showed Levi his tattoo. He had the Survey Corps insignia over a field of green on his right bicep. Levi grabbed Erwin's arm and inspected the ink. Levi frowned as if he was unsure that Erwin's tattoo was real. Then, he let go of Erwin's arm. He looked down at his own leg and back up at Erwin's arm. Erwin had gotten his tattoo on the limb he had injured the most. Levi had done the same. They had never discussed it. 

“It was my first. We all have them,” Erwin said. Levi looked up at Erwin's eyes, which were practically glowing. “All of us.” Levi nodded silently, shocked. Erwin let his shirt sleeve fall. Erwin's hands framed Levi's face and pulled him in for another kiss. This kiss was gentle, chaste. Erwin was savoring the feeling of Levi's lips. Levi pulled back a bit and stared into Erwin's eyes. 

“All of us,” he agreed. Levi pulled away, took Erwin's hand and led him out of the bathroom. Erwin turned out the light on their way out. 

Levi led Erwin to the master bedroom, and he turned on the light. Levi let go of Erwin's hand, crossed the room to the side of the right side of the bed, the side he instinctively knew was Erwin's, and turned on the lamp. Erwin walked to the center of the room and pulled the chain on the fan that would turn out the overhead light. He pulled on the fan chain once to slow the speed so Levi wouldn't get cold. 

Levi laid on the bed and looked at Erwin. 

“Are you going to wear your shirt for this?” Levi asked. Erwin smiled and walked around to his side of the bed. He leaned down and pulled his socks off, tossing them flippantly. Erwin put his knee on the bed and lifted his feet from the floor. Erwin straddled Levi and lowered himself, finding Levi's mouth again. The down comforter under Levi's back was soft, and he framed Erwin's face with his slender hands. Erwin lowered himself some more, and Levi felt Erwin's hard cock against his thigh. Levi broke the kiss. “Fuck me already,” Levi snapped. He reached down to the bottom hem of Erwin's shirt and pulled up. 

“Levi-” When the shirt came off, Levi tossed it across the room and looked back to Erwin's bare chest. Erwin saw Levi's face change to horrible shock. 

There was a tattoo of the Commander's bolo tie on Erwin's chest. The green clasp was against his sternum, and the brown leather cord wrapped up around the crook of his shoulder and neck, meeting behind his neck. Even the parts of the tie that dangled below the clasp looked perfectly aligned, as they always had been. 

“What's that,” Levi breathed. _“Commander,”_ Levi thought the word instantly. The word filled his mind. Erwin's hand slipped under Levi's head and took a handful of hair. He tilted Levi's head until they were looking each other in the eye again. 

“Do you like it?” Erwin searched Levi's eyes, looking to understand Levi's reaction. He had worried that Levi would hate it. Maybe Levi thought it was too much of a bad memory or that it was arrogant for Erwin to have the Commander's symbol on his chest again. At first, Erwin had been unsure about getting the tattoo at all, but the more time he spent around his veteran soldiers, the more he had wanted to have it done. Rightfully, Hange deserved one too, and Erwin had invited her to go with him and get an identical one. She had declined, saying that she had never liked the way it looked. 

Levi's eyes darted back down to the ink. He lifted his hand and touched the inked skin, right on the clasp. Those slim fingers pressed and explored the symbol as if it were a real item and not ink under the skin. He hadn't seen it in so long, and it was perfect. Levi swallowed and his gray gaze lifted up to Erwin's blue eyes. He was panting, and he didn't know why. Levi let his hand drop from Erwin's chest. Erwin took his hand from Levi's hair and used it to support himself again. 

“Yeah,” Levi muttered. “I like it.” Levi lifted his head from the bed and leaned up to Erwin's chest. Erwin watched with wide eyes as Levi pressed his hot tongue against the inked clasp on his chest. The moisture made his short, blond chest hairs lay down. Levi licked Erwin's tattoo, slowly worshiping it. Erwin closed his eyes. 

“That feels good, Levi.” 

“Fuck me,” Levi breathed between licks. Erwin opened his eyes, took Levi's face in his hand then and tilted it up. Their lips met again, and all of the fire that they had earlier returned, blazing hot. He didn't linger long, and Erwin soon broke the kiss, smiling down at Levi. Levi's breath caught in his chest when he saw that smile hovering over him. Golden strands of hair were hanging down over Erwin's forehead. 

“Roll over,” Erwin said. 

“I want to look at you,” Levi argued. 

“Just for this time, darling,” Erwin insisted. “Like the first time.” Levi glared, but he rolled over anyway. Erwin reached to his nightstand and opened the drawer. He felt around for the lubricant bottle. When his hand found it, he pulled it out and didn't bother closing the drawer. Erwin popped the cap open on the lubricant and poured some over the fingers of his right hand. Some of the liquid dripped from his fingers onto the bedspread under them. He noticed Levi looked tense, and he didn't understand why unless he was nervous about the pain. Erwin adjusted his weight, still straddling Levi's legs and slipped his middle finger between Levi's cheeks, finding the rim of the muscle. Levi was tense. Erwin could physically feel it then. 

Erwin lowered himself on top of Levi and planted kisses at the top of Levi's back bone. His opened his mouth and started sucking on the skin. 

“Your skin smells the same, Levi,” Erwin whispered. There wasn't a response, but Levi's body language softened under him. Erwin pressed, and Levi's muscle gave in. Erwin's finger slipped inside, and he immediately found the soft spot he wanted. Muscle contracted around Erwin's finger when it brushed against Levi's prostate, and Levi gripped the bedspread in his fists. His torso came off the bed and he pressed his ass into Erwin's hand. “You feel the same,” Erwin muttered into Levi's ear. He wiggled his finger inside of Levi and put his mouth back on Levi's skin. “You taste the same,” Erwin whispered between wet kisses on Levi's back. 

“More,” Levi panted. 

“Lay flat,” Erwin said softly. Slowly, Levi lowered himself back to the bed, and Erwin sat up on his knees so he could see what he was doing. Erwin's index finger teased around Levi's edge at first. He pressed against Levi's rim, and there was some resistance. “I want to fuck you so badly, Levi.” Levi visibly shuddered. “Breathe in.” Levi's back raised when he took a deep breath. “Let go.” Levi exhaled, and Erwin's index finger slipped in with a little more pressure. The muscle clenched around both of his fingers now, and he began moving them independently of each other, both of them were massaging the soft tissue.

“Fuck,” Levi whined. He was pulling at the bedspread harder now, liquid steadily leaking from the tip of his cock.

“I savor it so much when you let me go slowly, Levi,” Erwin muttered. Levi closed his eyes tightly and bit his bottom lip. “I've been wanting this all day.” Erwin's fingers were wiggling back and forth inside of Levi then. Levi lifted from the bed again, pressing into Erwin's hand harder, grinding. Moans started rising from his throat then. He started fucking himself on Erwin's fingers, sliding back and forth on them. “I love watching you.” 

“I want your cock,” Levi panted. 

“Take one more for me, darling,” Erwin requested. Sweat was breaking across Levi's forehead now. The desperation was building, and the feeling of the soft bedspread rubbing the frenulum of his cock wasn't helping. “Please, Levi,” Erwin whispered, his voice laced with obvious lust. The word sent a shock wave through Levi's bones, and he dropped back to the bed. Before he attempted the third finger, Erwin found the lubricant bottle and added a line of the liquid to his ring finger. Levi had listened while Erwin had prepared for the third, anticipation building.

Erwin's ring finger was less forgiving than the other two had been when Erwin pressed it inside. When all three fingers began moving, Levi arched into the hand again. 

“Erwin,” Levi moaned with a broken voice. 

“Again,” Erwin commanded. 

“Erwin!” Levi's voice was louder then, stronger. Erwin smiled. Levi was sliding up and down on his fingers, losing control for him. When Levi surrendered, it was always earned. Erwin had completely forgotten what that surrender looked like. Nothing he had ever dreamed or fantasized about could compare to seeing Levi give up everything in the flesh. He watched his fingers disappear inside of Levi and reappear when Levi pulled away. Levi groaned again. “I want it, Erwin.” 

“Tell me what you want,” Erwin said with a low voice. 

“I want you to fuck me,” Levi's was practically begging. 

“How?” 

“With your cock,” Levi insisted. Erwin's tongue left a trail of heat when it ran across Levi's back. Levi gasped. His entire body was quivering then. Erwin's fingers pulled out of him slowly, and the emptiness made him fall back down to the bed. 

“Look at me,” Erwin commanded. Levi opened his heavy lidded eyes, and Erwin's face was in front of his. Those blue eyes were staring intently at Levi. He swallowed, and his eyes widened. Erwin thought he would melt when he saw how dilated Levi's pupils were. He had hoped the methadone would still allow for Levi's pupils to dilate when his body chemistry changed for sex. It had. Levi's pupils were blown wide. 

Erwin's hand reached up for the lubricant, and Erwin disappeared behind Levi again. Levi heard the slick sound of Erwin's lubricated hand stroking his cock. He smiled and closed his eyes. Erwin was panting with every stroke. 

Levi felt Erwin's head against his hole then. He swallowed. 

“Breathe with me,” Erwin muttered. When he heard Erwin inhale, he followed. Then, Erwin exhaled hot breath on his back, and Levi exhaled. Erwin slipped in easily, and the sudden fullness stopped Levi's exhale short. Levi's breath was caught in his chest, his mouth gaping with the feeling of Erwin inside of him again. He was finally able to force the breath out and begin panting again. Erwin closed his eyes and savored the feeling of Levi wrapped around him again. He swallowed and opened his eyes to check on Levi. “Levi,” Erwin breathed. "Can I move?" Levi felt a bit of pain, but it wasn't nearly enough to deter him from continuing. 

"Move," Levi whispered. Erwin pulled out a few inches. Levi's torso lifted from the bed again, and his ass pressed against Erwin's hips. Erwin gasped and kept his hips still, but Levi continued to move. After a few moments of collecting himself, Erwin began meeting Levi halfway and increased the pace. They were moving in a fast rhythm then. All of the patience that they had up until that point was gone. 

“Bite me,” Levi demanded harshly. Teeth sank into his right shoulder so hard he hissed against the pain. Erwin was growling in his ear then, and Levi could barely breathe. The grip on his skin released, and Erwin was gasping on top of him. 

“Touch yourself,” Erwin ordered. Levi reached under himself and grabbed his cock. His hand moved quickly over it. “Levi!” Levi's eyes were rolling under his eyelids. He wasn't going to last long. Feeling Erwin move inside of him again was too good. It was too much. 

“Come in me,” Levi said. Erwin ran his tongue over the tender, angry bite mark, and Levi visibly crumbled under his tongue. 

“You feel so good, Levi,” Erwin panted. “Fuck!” The hot knot in Erwin's stomach released, and he came, thrusting into Levi. He kept moving even after he was spent, enjoying the feeling of Levi vibrating under him. 

“Erwin,” Levi gasped. Levi slipped over the edge, moaning, and he felt the hot come erupt out of his body. He fell to the bed and his hands finally relaxed. Erwin stayed still and had to lower himself to his elbows to rest. He could feel the sweat running down his chest. The smile across his face must have looked ridiculous. He opened his eyes just enough to see Levi collapsed under him. 

“Are you alright?” Erwin asked quietly. Levi barely nodded. He was still catching his breath. That's when Erwin remembered that he had bitten Levi hard. His eyes returned to the mark. It was already swollen and Levi's pale skin was turning hot, angry colors. There didn't seem to be any blood. Erwin placed soft kisses on top of the swollen skin. The spot was still sensitive, and Levi automatically clenched around Erwin's soft cock. Erwin's eyes shot open. That felt good, but it felt good enough to hurt a little. Erwin leaned back and pulled out then. Levi gasped one last time and, finally, fully relaxed. Rolling over onto his side, Erwin laid down, facing Levi. His eyes ran over Levi's flushed face. Sweat was running down from Levi's hairline. 

“Sleepy?” Erwin whispered. Levi opened his eyes just enough to glare. Erwin smiled, showing his teeth. Levi's pupils were blown even wider. Erwin leaned in and kissed Levi's damp forehead. 

“My medicine is working.” Levi closed his eyes when Erwin kissed his forehead. Erwin leaned forward and put a few more kisses on Levi's shoulder around the bite mark. Then, he moved across the bed and put his feet on the floor. 

Erwin went to the bathroom and didn't bother turning on the light. He took two washcloths from the linen rack and went to the sinks. After turning one faucet on to its hottest setting, Erwin turned on the other sink to a warm setting. He felt of the water. When it was warm, he washed his hands and ran the rag under the stream of water. Erwin cleaned himself off with the rag. 

When he thought he was clean enough, Erwin turned off the faucet at his sink and left the rag on the edge to drain. He took the dry rag and ran it under the scalding hot water, careful not to keep his hands under the stream for long. The rag soaked the water up, and Erwin turned off the faucet. He twisted the rag in his hands to release the excess water. 

Erwin turned from the sink, and he saw Levi was standing in the doorway of the bathroom watching him. He hadn't even heard Levi walk over. Erwin walked over to Levi and gave him the hot rag. Levi took the wet cloth in his hand. He looked up and met Erwin's eyes then. Erwin smiled gently down at him. Levi returned the smile before walking past Erwin to go into toilet room to the right. He closed the door behind him. 

Erwin watched Levi until the door closed. Then, Erwin went back to bed and saw Levi had already put away the lubricant and shut the drawer. Erwin pulled the covers down. He settled in, laying his head on his pillow. 

_“Levi in my bed,”_ Erwin thought. He heard the door to the toilet room open, and he watched Levi's shadow moving around in the dark bathroom. When Levi walked out of the room, he looked at Erwin laying down. 

“The bedspread is dirty,” Levi protested weakly. 

“We'll wash it tomorrow,” Erwin said. Levi walked away from the bathroom and left the bedroom. Concerned, Erwin sat up on his elbows and watched the bedroom door. 

When Levi came back, he had his phone and charger in one hand. In the other hand, he had a prescription pill bottle. Erwin settled back down in bed, and he flipped the covers down on Levi's side. Levi sat on the edge of the bed and put his pill bottle down first. Then he plugged up his charger and phone, putting the phone face down on the nightstand. Erwin's eyes gazed over the smooth skin of Levi's back before he reached up and turned out the lamp on his nightstand. Erwin rolled over onto his side, facing Levi. When Levi laid down, he wiggled in the bed until his back touched Erwin's chest. Erwin wrapped his arm around Levi's middle, and adjusted the pillow under his head before closing his eyes. 

“Good night, darling,” Erwin whispered. 

“Good night,” Levi replied quietly. He listened intently for Erwin to say something else. Levi wanted to hear Erwin say the other words that they said to each other back then. But Levi fell asleep without hearing them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to make it clear, but in case it wasn't: Citolapram is Levi's antidepressant and the brand name for it is Celexa. Celexa is prescribed for depression and OCD. Recovering heroin addicts have trouble making enough seratonin and dopamine (happy chemicals? basicallly) on their own due to the effects of long term opium use. Clonazepam is his Klonopin which prescribed for panic disorder or anxiety. Melatonin is a basic sleep aid that you can buy over the counter. It's important to understand these for a future chapter, but you won't have to commit it to memory. 
> 
> Thank you to my favorite Hufflepuff, Sithiere, for beta reading this for me.
> 
> My [ tumblr](http://valisi-clark.tumblr.com/).


	11. October 25, 2014

The next morning, Erwin opened his eyes groggily. The room was still dim, but that was due to his curtains. Some sunlight was forcing its way around the edge of the dark window treatments. He rolled over to feel of Levi's side of the bed. Erwin's hand ran over the empty side of the bed. 

_“He must be in his chair,”_ Erwin thought. Then, his brain surfaced to consciousness just enough for Erwin to realize they weren't in that life anymore. And Levi was gone. Erwin sat up in bed, fully awake, and turned on his lamp. When Erwin turned to look at the empty place in the bed, he saw Levi's prescription bottle was still on the nightstand. Relief spread through his chest, and Erwin lifted a hand over his heart. Thinking that Levi had left legitimately scared him. He laughed gently at his own paranoia and shook his head. Erwin climbed out of bed and went to the bathroom.

After a shower and brushing his teeth, Erwin felt better. He went to the closet and pulled out a white, cotton undershirt. Then he found his gray sweatpants and pulled them on before leaving the closet to go find Levi. 

When Erwin walked to the end of the hallway, he heard Levi speaking to someone. He looked towards the back door to the porch and saw it was a little ajar. Erwin crossed the room and stepped out of the back door onto the concrete of the porch. Levi was bunched up on one of the chaise lounge chairs, hunched over his criss-crossed legs with his phone to his ear. 

“Yeah,” Levi grunted into the phone. Erwin walked around and stood in Levi's field of vision. At first, Levi didn't notice. His eyes were squinted and he was fiddling with his septum ring while he thought about what he was hearing. There was a book in front of Levi. A quick glance at the title, and Erwin realized it was a daily meditation book for the NA program. Erwin didn't know how to get Levi's attention without interrupting him, but then Levi looked up at Erwin. 

Erwin made the motion of drinking something by tilting his hand towards his mouth.

 _“Do you want some tea?”_ he thought at Levi. Levi nodded before giving the phone call his full attention again. Erwin walked back into the house and pulled the door closed, but didn't latch it, so Levi could have some privacy.

Erwin went to the kitchen the make some tea. He had purchased a type of Earl Grey with extra bergamot, and he didn't know if Levi liked sugar or milk in this life. Once the kettle began whistling, Erwin took the kettle from the heat and poured the hot water over the tea bag in the coffee mug. Then, Erwin put Levi's tea, a small dish of sugar and a little glass of milk on a tray. 

Erwin picked up the tray and walked through the house with it to the porch. He pushed the door back open with his foot, and stepped outside. Walking around in front of Levi, Erwin sat the tea tray down on the foot of the lounge, and was about to leave and give Levi privacy during the call. But Levi's hand reached out and grabbed Erwin's arm. Gray eyes lifted and looked to Erwin, the other hand still holding the phone to Levi's ear. Understanding, Erwin nodded and held up a finger to motion he would be right back. Levi let go of his arm.

Erwin went back into the house to get himself some water, and he returned to the porch shutting the door behind him properly then. 

“I know,” Levi said into the phone. There was a cigarette in his hand, freshly lit. Erwin imagined who Levi could be talking to while he sat down in his own chair. He sipped at his water. Then, Levi reached over and offered Erwin the pack of cigarettes. Erwin took it and lit one for himself. 

Erwin relaxed against the chair and smoked, drinking his water occasionally. It was a beautiful day. The sky was clear but there were enough clouds to keep the harshest rays of the sun at bay. Erwin frowned when he couldn't remember where he had left his phone from the night before. 

_“I bet I left it in my pants,”_ Erwin thought. That's the last place he remembered having it. The dishes on Levi's tray began moving, and Erwin watched while Levi put a LOT of sugar into his tea followed by a splash of milk. Levi lifted the mug by the handle, and Erwin felt like he was truly looking at a stranger for the first time since he had found Levi again. Erwin had fully expected Levi to lift the mug by the rim like he always had. Levi took an exploratory sip and put the mug back down. He took the tea bag out, depositing it on the tray. 

“Right,” Levi said. “And, dude, I'm not married, so this is only speculation, but she knew you before you started your habit.” Erwin understood then. Levi was sponsoring someone from the anonymous, twelve step group. “Right. And she had an idea of who you were when you married her, but she didn't marry the pills. So it's normal for her to still be hurt. You've both changed and that's part of growing old together.” Levi stopped talking again, and he leaned the phone on his ear while he dragged on his cigarette. Then, holding his cigarette between two fingers, Levi lifted his mug and drank some more of his tea. To Erwin, it looked precarious, but Levi seemed to be used to it. Erwin considered buying Levi a bluetooth headset. Eventually, Levi figured out his system and his tea was gone in a matter of minutes. 

Erwin took the time to really look at Levi then. The call must have been urgent because Levi had not bothered to put on socks or a shirt. He had only managed to get his sweatpants back on. 

“I know,” Levi nodded, agreeing with whoever was on the phone. “It's fucking freaky to have to open yourself up to someone you love because they can hurt you more than anyone else. Because if your counselor disapproves, who gives a shit? And no one at group is going to complain if you make a decision they disagree with. It's not their life. But you live with her. You have children with her.” Erwin smiled at Levi's bare back. He was helping other people now. Someone had trusted or admired him enough to ask for his sponsorship. “I agree. I would be pissed if my partner said that to me too.” Erwin raised his eyebrows and took another drink of his water. The cigarette between his fingers had been almost forgotten, and he took a drag from it. “Write her a letter. You know I'm a huge advocate for letter writing. In fact, email her, and tell her that you want to talk it out that way. It's the calmest way to have this type of discussion. You both hurt each other's feelings, and if you open your mouth again you're going to dump this shit all over her.” 

_“Email her,”_ Erwin thought. Levi was using their method to help others. Erwin liked that. It made him feel important.

“Yeah, go ahead and do that,” Levi said. “Send me a first draft if you want, and I'll pick out your passive aggression.” He paused. Then, Levi began flicking his cigarette nervously with his thumb. “You're way farther ahead on your steps than I am. I haven't even attempted nine yet.” Levi smiled then at the response from the other end of the phone. Erwin wished he had his phone so he could Google step nine. “Glad to help. Bye.” Levi took the phone from his ear and hung up. He dropped it into his lap. Erwin dragged on his cigarette again and ashed it over the butt can. Erwin didn't say anything to him. It was a heavy phone call, and there's no telling how long it had lasted. Levi might need some space.

“Good morning,” Levi muttered. 

“Good morning, darling,” Erwin said. Erwin dropped his half finished cigarette in the butt can and reached to take Levi's hand. Levi laced their fingers together and finished his cigarette down to the filter before tossing it. “It's still early. Do you want to go back to bed?” 

“I'm awake now,” Levi said. “My medicine makes me groggy, so he called twice before I was awake enough to pick up the phone.” 

“I didn't even hear the phone,” Erwin admitted. “It's awfully early for a crisis.” 

“Junkie time is no respecter of clocks,” Levi said. 

“I imagine it strikes whenever it can.” 

“Damn right,” Levi agreed. “At the worst of times.” Erwin drank some more of his water and then leaned over to put the empty glass on the concrete. 

“Was the tea alright?” 

“I don't know,” Levi said. “I put too much sugar in it.” 

“I thought that was a lot, but I didn't want to mention it,” Erwin said. 

“It's an old habit,” Levi said. “When you're high, sugar tastes amazing, like you wouldn't believe. You don't crave anything else except for sugar.” 

_“Because you're starving,”_ Erwin thought. 

“Dope zaps your blood sugar,” Levi added. “It affects your pancreas and the management of insulin. Sugar doesn't taste the same when you're clean though. It's weak.” 

“How old were you when you started?” 

“22. After I left the Marine Corps.” 

“How old are you now, Levi?”

“27,” Levi flicked his cigarette again before taking a drag.

“You kicked a three year habit in two years,” Erwin commented.“That's impressive.”

“I know,” Levi said facetiously. Erwin smiled at him, and Levi turned to look at Erwin with a big grin.

“I'm glad you're so old,” Erwin said. “I forgot to check your ID last night.” 

“Shut up,” Levi snapped. Levi scanned Erwin's backyard, able to see it much better in the day time. It was well groomed, if plain. He liked the tall privacy fence. “How are you even able to afford this place by yourself?” 

“I work at a private school,” Erwin said, as if that explained it. Levi smiled. Of course, Erwin was successful, but he knew that a job teaching shouldn't afford such a nice house. Levi decided that Erwin was probably still getting money from his rich parents. 

“Erwin.” 

“Yes.” 

“What do you want to do today?” Erwin laid his head back on the back of the chair.

“I haven't really thought about it,” he admitted. “I thought we would just see how we feel and go from there. Sometime today, I'd like to go the gym. You can go with me and use a guest pass if you like.” 

“That sounds good.” 

“Is there anything you would like to do today?” 

“Yeah. Sometime during the day the methadone will put me to sleep, unless I drink some coffee,” Levi said. “Before anything else though, I need to read.” 

“What's the meditation for today?” Erwin asked. Levi leaned down and grabbed his book. He took his hand from Erwin's and opened the book to a bookmarked page. Erwin listened closely to Levi reading out loud to him. The passage was about flexibility, how addiction makes you rigid. Addiction rules your time, money and life. Then with final surrender to sobriety, bending under the pressure of adapting quickly to life's changes doesn't feel so difficult anymore. Levi closed the book and put it back in front of his legs. Erwin had been staring at Levi while he read. Having Levi read to him in the morning reminded him of their first life, and Erwin wondered if they could make it a morning routine again. The blue eyes had wandered along Levi's arms, covered in white scars of assorted sizes. There were several on the tops of Levi's bare feet. They were bigger, the scar tissue looked thicker, and Erwin wondered if they had gotten infected. Staph infection was a major risk for intravenous users, but he imagined that Levi tried to stay as hygienic as possible. Levi cleared his throat when he stopped reading, and Erwin's eyes raised back to his face. 

“Step eight is making a list of all of the people you've harmed,” Levi said. “You're at the top of my list.” Levi reached up and ran his hand through his black hair nervously, trying to straighten it out. It was still a mess from sleeping. “Step nine is making amends with the people on your list.” Erwin turned his face away from Levi and picked a spot on the privacy fence to stare at while Levi talked. The conversation was going to take a very heavy turn. “I'm sorry that I disappeared, Erwin.” Erwin clenched his teeth and closed his eyes. He wanted to assure Levi that it was alright, and he understood now. But this step wasn't really about him. Levi was already forgiven, but the point of the step was to admit wrong doing, and move on. The step was supposed to be about self-forgiveness and learning to accept that others may or may not forgive you. “I tried to make good use of my time though.” 

“I am quite curious as to what you've been doing the past two years,” Erwin admitted, opening his eyes again. 

“Well,” Levi began. “I stayed at the hospital until they kicked me out. I've detoxed before, but that was probably the worst time. I had a lot of shit in my system.” Erwin thought back to the strange voice over the phone the night he called Levi. The man had probably given Levi a speedball whether he consented to it or not. An intoxicated person can't consent anyway, and Erwin felt the rage slowly start rising in his backbone. He pushed it down and focused on what Levi was telling him. 

Levi explained his first day of sobriety to Erwin, trying not to leave anything out. He even included that he had read Erwin's letter and marked them unread because the step doesn't count if it's not honest. Of course, Erwin already knew that Levi had been doing that. But he hadn't figured it out until just a few months prior. 

“I didn't have any friends who weren't on dope,” Levi admitted. “I was homeless for a little while. I'd go to the library or other public places during the day to charge the piece of shit phone I bought a couple of weeks after detox, take a sink bath and fill out applications. I bought some cheap brown sugar-” Levi paused. “I mean that I bought some cheap dope. It's brown due to its purity level.” 

“Ah,” Erwin nodded. He had researched the purity scale, and even knew the street names. However, he didn't tell Levi that.

“Anyway, I relapsed from all of the stress and shot up once during the first month. But it didn't work because the methadone blocks the opioid receptors in the brain. So I just wasted my money, and I was pretty pissed about that. But it turned out to be a good thing.

“The next morning, I went to the library to charge my phone, and I got a call from the garbage collection department. They wanted an interview. So I flushed the dope I had left over, and bought some second-hand, nice clothes for the interview a few days later. I had to lie a few times during the interview. I said that I wasn't employed for so long because I was on disability for PTSD, and the guy was so interested in my service record that he didn't ask much else. I got the job. They were desperate, honestly,” Levi said. The story playing in Erwin's mind sounded very sad, and he hoped Levi would perk up soon. Levi stopped talking for a moment, and Erwin looked over at him. 

“We can wait if you want,” Erwin said. Levi shook his head. Erwin turned to look back at his fence.

“I don't want to,” Levi said. He wanted to finish the step before he lost his nerve. “So I started the job and really liked it. It was gross sometimes, but it wore me out and made it easier to sleep. I started going to the VA clinic and seeing a doctor there, and he helped me out with my dosages and medicine. So, I was able to get away from the liquid handcuffs at the clinic. The clinic gives you liquid form of methadone and requires you to take the meth while you're at the clinic to prevent you from pocketing it and selling it. It's a pain in the ass to have to go every day. Pills are easier to take. I moved into a cheap economy apartment. I started saving up some money. Decided to go to school and use some of my G. I. Bill.” 

“Why dental hygiene?” Erwin asked. He had tried not to interrupt, but his curiosity overwhelmed him during that moment. 

“It's a clean environment, and it's pretty easy,” Levi said. “Air conditioned during the summer, warm during the winter. Not to mention, it paid well and the benefits were excellent.” Erwin nodded. Medical benefits would be important to someone like Levi who was using a lot of medication. “So I started school online. I went to physical classes when I could. I was about halfway through my degree when I failed a class. I wasn't sleeping very well. I had nightmares like you described having yourself. I was tired of taking pills all of the time. All of it combined just-” Levi cleared his throat. He reached over and took his cigarette pack from Erwin's lap. Erwin watched and saw that Levi's hands looked unsteady when he pulled a cigarette from the pack. Quickly, Levi popped the capsule in the filter and lifter the cigarette to his lips. With a strike of his lighter, he lit the tip and inhaled the smoke. Levi put his elbows on his knees and rested his face in his left hand, partially to hide his eyes from Erwin. The next part of his story was going to be very uncomfortable to talk about. 

“That was the relapse when I emailed you,” Levi said. “I just woke up one morning and thought I couldn't do it anymore. So I slowly started reducing my methadone over a few days and started putting dope on top of it. I traded some of my pills for dope too. It's really amazing how quickly you can find something that you haven't pursued for a while. I hadn't been dope shopping in months, and I knew right where to go.” Levi paused and dragged on his cigarette. “It's like you instinctively know where you'll find it again.” There was a tightness that was knotting up in Levi's chest while he spoke. But he needed to tell Erwin as much as he could. When Levi took a breath, it hurt a little. 

Erwin watched as Levi tried to make himself smaller. Levi pulled his knees up to his chest and continued to hide his face. He was balling up tightly against himself, trying to hide from something. Erwin couldn't imagine Levi ever physically shying away from anything, and it was uncomfortable to watch. 

_“Keep your head up, Levi,”_ Erwin thought. _“Regret works the same way in this life too.”_

“I chased the dragon relentlessly for about a month and a half,” Levi continued. “And I don't remember much. I can vaguely remember not going back to my apartment at all. I was just in stranger's homes for most of the time, I think. But I don't know who I was staying with. And I certainly don't remember who I was around or what we did.” Levi dragged on his cigarette again and took time to release the breath before he began speaking again. “Over the month and a half, I had been steadily increasing my dose so much that the highs were great, and I kept getting sicker when I would come down. And you know what they don't tell you about being a junkie? Sometimes the drug traffic gets into a jam. No matter who you call, no matter where you look, no one in the city has any dope left. It's all gone, and they're just waiting on their supplier to send in more. But I couldn't wait. I had used too much the night before and I was dropping fast. I didn't have enough money to buy my methadone or buy some pills from anyone. I hid some money from myself and wasn't clear headed enough to remember where I put it,” Levi paused and licked his lips. “And while I was out, looking for junk, I started feeling sick. So, I walked to the VA hospital.”

 _“I didn't even think to call that hospital,”_ Erwin thought. He turned and stared at a specific knot in the wood of the privacy fence, trying not to show any emotion. With a glance, Erwin saw that Levi was still balled up, tense, but Erwin tried his best to only look at the backyard.

“After detox, I finally remembered where I had stashed the money I had hidden from myself, and I was able to keep my apartment. I went back to school. My sponsor helped me find a job at a fast food restaurant after that. I could afford my methadone from the VA clinic, but I couldn't afford my other medicine for a while. I was anxious at night and barely slept, but I made myself get out of bed every day and go to work or school.

“I finished my degree pretty fast after that. I took an overload of classes because it kept me busy and tired. It was just enough stress to keep my mind occupied. When I graduated, I started looking for another job. That was more difficult because most of the time there isn't a lot of turn over for dental hygiene. The job and money are too good. Then, in group, someone talked about abusing benzos. Benzos are pretty cheap and you can find them everywhere. Makes for an easy habit. And high is almost exactly like China White.” 

_“China White,”_ Erwin thought. His eyes widened. _“He talks about it like it's nothing. He should be dead. And then he started abusing benzodiazepines. That definitely should have killed him, but instead he's sitting here with me.”_ Erwin clenched his teeth and swallowed. 

“I was buying and abusing a lot of Xanax. I take Klonopin on a regular basis for anxiety or panic, whatever, but Xanax has a better kick to it. I told group about it, and they encouraged me to do some research about how dangerous it was.” Levi dragged on his cigarette. “I did, and it turns out it's easier to overdose on benzos with methadone than it is to overdose on heroin. So I started going to multiple NA meetings a week, all over the city, trying to stay focused. I couldn't afford a gym membership, so I just did basic PT shit at night until I reached muscle failure and exhausted myself. I just tried to keep myself exhausted as much as possible so I wouldn't be tempted to medicate myself. About four months of putting an application for every dentist job available, I finally got a phone call for an interview.

“I started feeling a lot better, healthier, after I started working. It was easier to get out of bed every day. When I felt like I was really on the path to recovery, I went to a health clinic, about two weeks ago now, and had the entire run of tests done,” Levi said. “I already had my doctor test me, but he wouldn't send the results anywhere through the mail. But I found a clinic that didn't check ID, so I could use a name you would recognize, and I had the results sent to you. I thought you should decide whether or not you wanted to see me.” Levi tossed his cigarette butt in the can then. “Your emails kept getting shorter and farther apart.” Erwin reached up and rubbed his forehead, trying not to explain his own actions. Levi noticed the motion, and felt like Erwin was probably thoroughly irritated with him now. “I'm done talking.” 

“I have a few questions.” 

“Alright.” 

“Who was the man on the phone the first night we met?” 

“My dealer,” Levi said. 

“You lived with him?” 

“Yes.” 

“You had a relationship with him?” The question had been burning at the back of Erwin's throat, and he wasn't really sure he wanted to know the whole truth. He couldn't deny his curious nature though. 

“Not really,” Levi said. He pushed at his cuticles on his fingernails. Levi wondered if Erwin would want the details. “I wouldn't call it that. We had an arrangement where I would get his money for him, and he gave me a discount.” Erwin frowned at the response, not completely understanding. Levi relaxed a little more though. He was more comfortable with that subject than he had been about his relapse so he moved his hands away from his face.

“So you didn't have an emotional attachment to him,” Erwin said. 

“Fuck no,” Levi said, as if it was a ridiculous question. He cringed, thinking about Randy. Levi pulled another cigarette out of his pack and lit it. He popped the capsule in the filter as an afterthought. 

“Have you ever had an emotional attachment to anyone?” Levi thought about it a moment. 

“Yeah,” he said. 

“Who?”

“I was close with a lot of people from the Marines, but we've fallen out of touch. Most of them were paired up or married by the time we got out of the service, and I'm not a very good third wheel. My mother too. I was close with her for a while.” 

“Where is your mother?” 

“I don't know.” Levi dragged on his cigarette, and Erwin waited. 

_“I can't find the pattern,”_ Erwin thought. _“There are erratic parallels between this life and his first one. Why didn't my father die this time?”_ Erwin put his thoughts to the side. 

After another drag, Levi decided to add to what he said because Erwin was obviously waiting. 

“On my first day of high school, I woke up and went to school on the bus. I thought my mom had already gone to work, but when I came home from school, my step-father met me at the door asking where she was. I didn't know.” Erwin turned his head and watched Levi's face as best as he could. There were micro-expressions flashing over Levi's features faster than Erwin could interpret them. “Lucky for me, I guess, my step-father decided I could still live with him as long as I stayed out of his way which was easy. He drank, smoked some pot when he could afford it and slept in his recliner every night. Deciding to join the Marines was easy. And I did well.” Levi looked at Erwin and met his gaze for a moment before he looked away. The look in Levi's eyes made Erwin's heart sink. “I did really well. But after four years, and after going to war, I decided that I wanted to try something else. The modern military doesn't compare to the Survey Corps, you know. It's not as personal. It was just a job. So when they sent me back to Michigan, I went back to my step-father's house, and he was gone. The house was up for sale. But we didn't talk for the entire four years that I was gone, so I should have expected it.” Levi shrugged it off. 

_“Maybe a person like Levi can't be created without extreme adversity,”_ Erwin mused. _“But I shouldn't be any different. Levi and I both suffered, and that suffering created personalities that allowed us to be Captain and Commander.”_

“And I started using dope pretty soon after that,” Levi dragged on his cigarette again. 

“Did you have a nice childhood?” Erwin asked. 

“Yeah,” Levi nodded. “I did. My mom dated around a lot, but she made time for me. She picked pretty decent guys even if they were mostly deadbeats.” 

_“Good,”_ Erwin thought. “Do you have any theories about why your mother left?” Levi took another drag, smoking nervously at this point. 

“I know why she left,” Levi said. “We put in a missing person's report with the police when she didn't come home for a couple of days, and they found her, contacted her. Before they had a chance to call us and tell us about it, she called the house and my step-father couldn't answer the phone because he was already passed out for the night. So I answered it, and she told me that she left to be with some guy that she had been writing to in a prison in Arizona.” Levi dragged on his cigarette again. “I didn't even know she had been writing anyone. She must have been saving up money for a while. I intercepted the phone call from the police too, so my step-father never found out. I was afraid he would kick me out if he got pissed off at her. But he never even asked about her.” 

“Did you ask her why she didn't take you with her?” 

“No,” Levi said. 

_“Because you were afraid of the answer,”_ Erwin thought. _“No wonder you're so good at running away and hiding, darling. You've had plenty of examples.”_ He swallowed heavily and really wanted to hold Levi, but it would have to wait. “Why didn't you write me?” Levi squinted his eyes, struggling with that one. 

“I didn't want to get in the way of anything,” Levi said. “If you wanted to start a relationship with someone new, hearing from me but never being close to me would've just confused you. Even the things you were already trying to achieve, like school, I was getting in the way without even talking to you often. It had to be all or nothing.” Erwin looked at Levi then. For the next question, he wanted to see Levi's physical response. 

“Why didn't you allow me to stay with you?” Levi took a deep breath and released it slowly. He tossed his cigarette in the butt can. 

“If I was never going to get clean, I didn't want to be around you,” Levi said. “I sit in group every week and listen to people talk about how their relationship with their partner is failing because of dope. Or the relationship has already failed, and they can't think of a reason to be clean anymore. Any combination of being close to someone and being an addict is fucked.” Erwin's eyes rested on Levi's face while he described it. “Their partners don't trust them even when they're clean. Most of them can't even keep a short term relationship going.” Levi found a piece of the concrete to stare at and hoped Erwin wouldn't notice the strain in his throat. Nervously, Levi reached up and ran right his thumb over his left eyebrow. He wanted to hide his face from Erwin again, but he moved his hand away from his face anyway. “My job as Captain is to make sure that you don't have to deal with an excess of bullshit. If it's something I can fix myself, then it's my job to make sure it never gets to you.”

 _“But it could have killed you,”_ Erwin thought. 

“I thought that if you didn't have to see me during the worst part of it, you could still trust me. A lot of people in group have tried to explain to me that it doesn't work that way, but I had already gone so long without seeing you that I couldn't back out. I had to make it work.” 

“Levi,” Erwin said firmly. “I trust you.” Levi's eyes widened. He didn't dare look at Erwin yet, but Erwin's words were completely confident. There wasn't even a hint of doubt. “The reason I kept writing you was because I knew you would come back when you had finished your objective.” Levi remembered something else he had meant to say.

“Thank you for paying the hospital bill,” Levi said. 

“My pleasure,” Erwin replied. “I'll gladly relieve you of any other debts.” 

“It's not necessary,” Levi said. “I'm fine.”

“Come here,” Erwin said. Levi furrowed his brows and didn't lift his head. He didn't want to go to Erwin. It was more comfortable to be separated from him. “If you ball up any smaller than that, I'm going to lose you in the chair.” Irritation flared in Levi's chest, and he turned and looked at Erwin then. Automatically, he straightened out. Erwin smiled when he saw Levi's eyes looking at him, heatedly. “Good. Now get over here.” Levi rolled his eyes and stood between the two chairs. He put his shins against the metal frame of Erwin's chair and waited. Then, Erwin patted his lap. 

“Erwin-” 

“What I'm about to say is going to make you uncomfortable, and I'm tired of you trying to hide from me,” Erwin said. “Come here, Levi.” Levi huffed and clenched his teeth. But he straddled Erwin's lap anyway. When Levi was settled, Erwin put both of his hands on Levi's thighs. 

“I'm proud of you, Levi,” Erwin said. “I forgive you. For all of it.” He saw the mix of relief and gratitude flash over Levi's face. The corners of Erwin's mouth titled up in a gentle smile. “Do you want to know what I've been doing the last two years?” Levi's brows furrowed in confusion. 

“I thought you put most of the important stuff in your emails?” 

“I skipped over some of it,” Erwin admitted. Levi titled his head, but nodded. 

“Yeah. Tell me.” Erwin's thumbs were running over Levi's thighs. 

“I didn't tell you how angry I was,” Erwin admitted. “When you would email me sporadically, but you wouldn't allow any regular contact, it frustrated me to no end.” Levi's head hung slightly, and his gaze broke away from Erwin. Erwin put his finger under Levi's chin and lifted it so their eyes would meet again. “Hold on. Listen to the whole thing before you make an assumption.” Erwin waited for Levi to acknowledge. 

“Alright.” Levi nodded, and Erwin dropped his hand back to Levi's thigh. 

“Even though I was angry with you, I never forgot what you mean to me, Levi,” Erwin explained. Levi's eyes bounced between Erwin's, not fully understanding what he meant. “I focused on what you have done for me in the past.” Levi's brows furrowed then.“Wait,” Erwin said. Levi swallowed the words that had bubbled up in his throat, and waited. Erwin smiled again. “In our first life, you helped me in ways that no one else could. I needed you much more than you ever needed me in that first life, Levi.” 

“N-” Levi started. He was stopped by Erwin's big hand clapping over his mouth. Levi tried to pull back from the hand, but Erwin's other hand reached behind his head and held him in place. Levi struggled against the hands, and Erwin smiled at the effort.

“Levi,” Erwin said. “After I lost my arm, you read to me while I was in a coma.” Levi stopped struggling against Erwin's hands. His eyes widened and were locked on Erwin's. Erwin noticed that Levi's breath from his nose was a little heavier than it had been from frustration and a bit of shock. “Hange told me in our first life, and she reminded me of that this time too. She said you only left me when you had to take care of something for me. And before that, Levi, you were always supporting me.” Erwin swallowed, a bit uncomfortable with his own words. He needed to say them though. 

_“Don't tell me this, Erwin,”_ Levi thought. _“I don't want to think about this shit. Shut up.”_

“I hated myself. I hated the things that I had to do.” Levi's eyes were locked on Erwin's. Erwin knew that Levi would be uncomfortable. “Over time, it seemed I couldn't do anything that would legitimately disgust you, like I had done with so many others. And you never objectified me for my rank or abilities. I was human for you. And I didn't love you the first time you let me touch you. I didn't love you the first time I fucked you, but you stayed with me even when our relationship continued to become more complicated.” Erwin paused because he noticed Levi's chest was rising and falling a little faster. He took his hand away from Levi's mouth, but left the one behind his head. Erwin's hand slipped up into Levi's hair, and his thumb brushed against the undercut. “When you offered to break my legs, I knew that you were just trying to give me an excuse not to go. I couldn't voluntarily choose to not go to Shiganshina, but you would've done anything, including severely injure me, to help me find a way to stay safe. Because you loved me.” 

“They would've healed,” Levi protested softly, still trying to stop Erwin from talking. 

“They would have,” Erwin agreed. “That's why you mean so much to me, Levi. You made it so easy to love you. You made it seem easy to love me, darling, even though we both know it was quite the opposite. Especially towards the end.” Levi swallowed heavily, and hoped that Erwin wouldn't direct the conversation towards his death. If Erwin decided to do that, Levi would have to leave again. He wasn't ready for that conversation. Erwin smiled, his eyes soft with admiration. “You went through six years of absolute shit while you followed me.” Levi winced when Erwin used the word. It sounded strange coming from his mouth during such a serious moment. “There's really no other way to describe it,” Erwin said. “Two years isn't an even exchange. I wanted you back. I was angry, but I realized that I owed you at least six years of suffering before we were no longer equal. Honestly, I would have waited longer. I'm still rather stubborn about getting what I want.”

“You shouldn't have waited,” Levi muttered. 

“It was my decision,” Erwin said. “I wanted to try and give you what you gave me the first time, Levi. I trusted your judgment.” Levi averted his gaze then. Erwin let him, and gently pulled Levi closer to him. Without hesitation, Levi leaned forward and hid his face in the crook of Erwin's neck and shoulder, and his hands rested on Erwin's ribs. He wished that he could see Erwin's bolo tie tattoo at that moment. Erwin wrapped both of his arms around Levi and held him. His big hands roamed over Levi's bare back, trying to comfort him. He knew the words were difficult. “There could never be anyone who would understand me the way you do, Levi. No one can tolerate me like you. Even if I were to find another partner, how could they possibly understand who I am? You've been the only one who ever wanted to know me as a man.”

Levi listened to Erwin's words with open eyes. He liked the feeling of his eyelashes brushing against Erwin's neck when he blinked. 

“And to my surprise, you actually liked what you found beyond the uniform,” Erwin muttered against Levi's hair. 

_“I love the man,”_ Levi thought. _“I love who you are.”_ One of Erwin's hands rested against Levi's spine, and the other wrapped into his black hair.

“Thank you for coming home,” Erwin whispered. Levi took a big breath, and released it with a relieved exhale. “You can relax now. We're going to be okay.” Levi smiled. He loved hearing those words. Erwin had consistently comforted him during the war with that promise. Even when the words had proven to be untrue, Levi still craved hearing them. 

Erwin leaned his head back against the cushion of the chair. Past the roof over the porch, Erwin watched some clouds pass through the sky, savoring the feeling of Levi being in his arms again. Levi watched the muscles of Erwin's neck move when his head rested against the back of the chair. He thought he could see Erwin's pulse under the skin. 

Erwin's eyelids fluttered when he felt Levi pressing kisses against the tender skin of his neck. Then, he felt Levi's hot tongue against his skin, leaving a wet streak in its wake. His lips parted on a soft gasp. 

“Would you like to go inside, darling?” Erwin asked. Levi lifted his head and dragged his tongue up Erwin's trachea. 

“No,” Levi replied before he put his mouth against Erwin's. He parted Erwin's lips and forced his tongue in. Erwin ran his short nails against the skin of Levi's back while their tongues massaged against each other. 

Levi broke the kiss and leaned back. He reached down and pulled at the bottom hem of Erwin's shirt. Erwin leaned up in the chair, and let Levi take his shirt off. 

“Stop wearing shirts when I'm here,” Levi ordered as he tossed the white shirt over into the other chair. “And lean your seat back.” Erwin chuckled before he sat up and reached to the back of his chair. He pulled at the back of chaise lounge until it lowered a few notches, reclining the chair. 

When Erwin leaned back in his chair, Levi leaned down on him again and kissed down his thick neck. Erwin rested his hands on the arm of the chair, and closed his eyes. He knew what was coming, and his cock was already swelling with the thought. Levi kissed his way down to Erwin's chest. After planting a kiss on the green clasp of Erwin's tattoo, he opened his mouth and wrapped his lips around Erwin's right nipple. He flicked it with his tongue, and reached between their legs to palm at Erwin through his sweatpants. 

Erwin gasped and his eyes opened when he felt Levi's mouth and hand. They fell closed again and he tried to lift his hips to meet Levi's hand. But Levi had all of the leverage because of the position. 

Levi's mouth released Erwin's nipple and kissed his sternum. He leaned up then and put one foot on the ground. When he stood from Erwin's lap, he waited to see what Erwin would do. Erwin opened his eyes, but didn't make a move. 

“Pants down. Come on,” Levi said, snapping his fingers. Erwin smiled with a quiet laugh. He lifted his hips from the chair and pulled his sweatpants down. 

Levi lowered himself back onto the long part of the chair, and his head dipped to Erwin's cock. Levi planted kisses on Erwin's stomach, purposely avoiding his hard member. Then, Levi trailed kisses down to Erwin's thighs. He lifted one of his hands from the chair and gently wrapped his fingers around Erwin's balls. He rubbed them together a bit before taking his hand away and returning it to the chair to support himself. Levi opened his mouth and ran his tongue along the base of Erwin's frenulum, teasing him. He dragged his tongue up Erwin's cock.

“Levi,” Erwin whispered. That's when Levi opened his mouth and wrapped it around Erwin's head. Erwin gasped and lifted his fist, biting it. When Levi's hand wrapped around his base, Erwin whined from behind his fist, and Levi took his hand and mouth away from Erwin's cock. He reached up and pushed Erwin's fist away from his mouth. 

“Don't do that,” Levi ordered. “I want to hear you.” Erwin swallowed hard with a gasp and nodded without looking down at Levi. Levi lowered himself again, and wrapped his hand around the base of Erwin's cock. He opened his mouth and slid down on Erwin's cock as far as he could. 

“Fuck,” Erwin breathed. His eyes rolled back under his lids. It had been so long since he had a mouth around his cock, and no one was even close to being as good as Levi. He lifted his hand again, and wrapped it in Levi's dark hair. “Levi.” 

Levi pressed Erwin's head against the soft part of his throat, and swallowed, causing the soft tissue of his throat to contract and expand around the sensitive tip. Erwin tasted the same, felt the same, responded to the same things that Levi knew he loved. Erwin hadn't been able to say anything else. There were only heavy breaths and the occasional sighing moan while Levi sucked. Erwin was writhing under Levi, and he would've been moving more if he hadn't been pinned to the chair. 

Levi opened his eyes and looked up at Erwin's face while he continued to suck and tug at Erwin's member. He reached up with his free hand and moved Erwin's hand out of his hair so he could see. Erwin opened his eyes a when Levi moved his hand, but when Levi added just a little teeth to his motions, Erwin's shuddered and closed his eyes again with a groan. His back slightly arched out of the chair. 

“I love that, Levi,” Erwin breathed the words. His chest trembled when he released a breath. Levi would've smiled if he could. His teeth retreated back behind his lips, and he continued moving his mouth up and down Erwin's cock while he stroked with his hand. Erwin reached up and wrapped a hand in his own hair. He felt like he needed to hold onto something. Levi's mouth felt so good that he became disoriented.

Levi lifted his head and took his mouth off Erwin's cock. He kept his hand in place. 

“Watch me,” Levi muttered. Erwin's head lifted from the chair cushion and he opened his blue eyes. Levi dipped his head and maintained eye contact while he licked Erwin from root to tip with one, long lick. Erwin's eyes spread wide, and his throat bobbed when he swallowed. Lifting his head from the chair made it more difficult for him to maintain the shallow breaths. 

“Levi,” Erwin breathed. “You're so fucking sexy.” Levi dipped his head again and licked, so slowly, from Erwin's base to head. Then, he used his tongue to spread the pool of precome around Erwin's tip, his tongue running against Erwin's slit. Unable to watch anymore, Erwin's head fell back against the cushion of the chair. His eyes closed tightly. 

Levi wrapped his mouth around Erwin's cock again and began sucking intently, hollowing his cheeks, keeping rhythm with his mouth and hand. He felt Erwin's thighs begin to tremble under him. That's when Erwin's hand returned to Levi's hair and pulled. Levi couldn't stifle a moan, and the vibration made Erwin's toes curl.

“Fuck, Levi. Just like that, darling,” Erwin panted. “Just how I like it.” Erwin's short nails were gently scratching at Levi's scalp. Levi's tongue was pressing hard against Erwin's frenulum while he sucked, and he pulled his hand away from Erwin. 

_“Erwin,”_ Levi thought. _“In my mouth. He tastes the same. Smells the same.”_ Then, Erwin felt the soft tissue of Levi's throat around the head of his cock. He couldn't stifle the deep moan that ripped from his chest. Levi was taking all of him now. 

“Levi!” 

_“Calling out my name.”_ Erwin pulled Levi's dark hair tightly in his fist, and Levi knew what that meant. Erwin's thighs were vibrating under Levi now and his ankles were still trapped in sweat pants. Levi's eyelids were fluttering with the pleasure he was experiencing from getting Erwin off, and he inhaled deeply, devouring Erwin's scent. He didn't even mind that he was drooling all over his own chin and his eyes were watering. The heat and urgency in Erwin's stomach kept growing, and he knew he couldn't hold on much longer. 

“I'm going to come in your mouth, Levi.” Levi closed his own eyes then, and could feel Erwin's cock get even harder. 

_“Come in my mouth, Erwin.”_

Erwin's breath kept catching in his chest, but he was finally able to fully moan when he came in Levi's mouth. He came so hard he couldn't make any noise or breathe for several seconds. He pulled Levi's hair harder, eyes closed tightly, mouth ajar, toes curled. 

Levi took all he could from Erwin, and lifted his head when Erwin's hand fell out of his hair. He sat up on his knees and looked at Erwin spread out in front of him. Levi watched the green clasp of Erwin's tattoo rise and fall while Erwin caught his breath. Erwin was completely spent, flushed and looked absolutely satisfied. Levi liked the sense of pride he felt in his own chest. Soon, Erwin's breathing evened out and Levi tried to memorize the sight, reveling in Erwin's afterglow. There was a gentle smile on Levi's lips. He had remembered how much Erwin liked his mouth, and he had some performance anxiety about it the night before. Apparently, he still had whatever it was that Erwin liked so much. Levi wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. 

Erwin closed his mouth long enough to swallow and try to wet his dry throat. He lifted his head from the cushion and opened his eyes. Levi was kneeling over him still, watching him. Erwin lifted his right hand and waved his fingers back and forth at Levi, motioning for him to come closer. 

Levi slinked back up in the chair until he was laying on top of Erwin, his head resting on Erwin's collarbone. When Levi's arms rested on either side of Erwin's ribs, Erwin wrapped one hand in Levi's hair. He kissed Levi's forehead. Erwin liked doing that, and he kissed Levi's forehead again, letting his lips linger for a long time. He inhaled Levi's scent and warmth bloomed in his chest. Levi was home. 

“Doesn't it bother you to have this chair touching your bare ass?” Levi asked. Erwin broke the kiss and chuckled.

“The fabric is kind of scratchy,” Erwin admitted. “But you didn't really give me any options.” Levi pulled away from Erwin and stood from the chair. 

“I hope the neighbors heard you,” Levi said. Erwin laughed and stood from the chair to pull his sweatpants back up.

“Have you showered?” 

“Not yet.”

“Go ahead. Then we'll go get some lunch. I need to buy groceries while we're out too. Maybe we should just to to the gym tonight.” 

“I see you're still a hardass about your daily schedule,” Levi said with a smile. Erwin laughed again. 

“You should use my shower,” Erwin offered. Levi walked to the back door and opened it. He walked through the house back to Erwin's bedroom and then to the master bathroom. 

When he stepped in and turned on the light, his eyes spread wide. A large, glass enclosed shower and a jetted tub filled the back of the room. Through the glass, Levi could see Erwin's shower had a rainfall shower head and body jets. Two sinks and large, black counter space were on the left with mirrors above each of the sinks. Subway tile covered most of the wall, and there was white and black hexagon tile on the floor. There were even glasses on the bathroom counter to use for drinking water. It looked like a hotel bathroom, a bathroom in a hotel that was more expensive than Levi could ever afford.

“Holy shit,” Levi said. He pulled his sweatpants off quickly. Levi had never been so excited to shower in all of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early chapter release because I'm going out of town this weekend. I know this chapter was a bit forceful with the exposition, but I think we all (author, readers, characters) need to get that out of the way and continue on with this journey. 
> 
> Also, this series has grown more than I expected. I didn't intend for this to be book length, however it seems that it may end up that way. I already have the rising action, climax, falling action and resolution outlined, and I will finish this. I swear there is an end game, and I will get us there as efficiently as possible. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has continued to support this story with comments, kudos, hits, subscriptions and bookmarks. I'm so touched by the supportive response. I wasn't sure there was an audience who would appreciate Levi having some of his strength taken away from him, and Erwin will be evolving through this as well. 
> 
> Thank you!


	12. October 26, 2014

When Erwin opened his eyes on Sunday morning, he saw Levi's form still laying in the bed, facing away from him. The room was dim so he closed his eyes again, wondering if he could nap some more. His brain was already exploring the possible schedule of things he could do with Levi for the day. It was no use to try and nap some more; he was already awake. Erwin opened his eyes again and gazed along the muscles in Levi's back. The skin was smooth instead of heavily scarred as it had been in their first life. Erwin's eyes followed Levi's spine down and settled on Levi's ass. It seemed Levi had a habit of kicking the covers off on himself in his sleep. Erwin reached down and pulled the covers back up to Levi's hips to keep him warm, but he purposely left the man's back exposed so he could continue to stare. 

Back then, Levi could hardly stand to sleep in a bed. He had always slept in his chair. Even the nights he spent with Erwin, he could only lay in bed for about thirty minutes after they had fucked before he had to go get in his chair. Sometimes he would pull the chair closer to the bed so Erwin could reach out and touch him if he wanted to. Most nights, it stayed in the same place. The few times that Erwin had ever caught Levi sleeping in bed were so rare that Erwin remembered them clearly. It was normally a stress induced behavior. Not only that, but Levi had been very sensitive to noise when he slept. So Erwin would have to sneak up on him to catch him asleep at all. 

Now, Levi seemed so calm. The medicine was responsible, he decided. Levi wasn't volatile like he had been two years previously. He wasn't wild anymore like it had been when he was high. Erwin's brain shifted subjects to remember the groceries they bought together the day before.

“Levi,” Erwin whispered. He moved over in the bed closer to Levi. His hand rested on Levi's ribs, his thumb gently stroking one of the bones under his hand. He put a kiss on Levi's shoulder. “Darling, wake up.” Levi grunted in response. “Waffles, Levi,” Erwin whispered. He put another kiss on Levi's shoulder. Levi didn't even respond then. His medicine must not have worn off enough for him to be very alert. Erwin kissed up Levi's shoulder and put a few heavy, long kisses on Levi's pale neck. That didn't stir Levi either, and Erwin gave up. 

Erwin pulled away from Levi and got out of bed. After a visit to the bathroom to piss and brush his teeth, he pulled on his gray sweatpants and went to the kitchen to start breakfast. He thought Levi might wake up by the time he was finished. 

Erwin was excited to make waffles for Levi since he had not been able to make them the day before. After Levi's shower the day before, they had ended up in bed again and weren't able to focus on anything else besides each other for another hour. Levi took a second shower while Erwin investigated his kitchen and discovered that he, in fact, did not own a waffle maker. Erwin offered to take Levi to lunch at the Waffle House, but Levi insisted that waffles were only supposed to be consumed between midnight and 11:00. It was well past noon by the time they left the house. They bought a waffle maker during their grocery trip.

Erwin pulled out his new, and already washed, waffle maker and began preparing the waffle batter. When Erwin had made plenty of waffles and microwaved some bacon for the both of them, he began putting all of the items they had purchased to add to their waffles on the kitchen island. Levi had picked a lot of sweet things, and Erwin smiled at the assortment. 

Erwin left the kitchen and walked back to the bedroom. When he opened the door, Levi wasn't in bed anymore. Light was shining from under the bathroom door. Erwin walked quietly over to the bathroom door. He could hear the shower running. 

Erwin opened the door cautiously and leaned his head inside. When there was no response, he stepped farther into the bathroom. The door squeaked. 

“I hear you,” Levi said flatly. 

“I was being so sneaky though,” Erwin said with mock disappointment. He closed the squeaky door behind him. Erwin crossed the tile floor to the dry bath tub and climbed in. He faced the steaming shower and leaned back in the tub, putting his elbows up on the sides. The bathroom was a major reason why Erwin had chosen the house. He liked that the tub and shower were lined up. He had fantasized about sitting in the tub watching Levi shower. Of course, the glass was too foggy to see Levi any details of Levi's body, but it had been a nice fantasy on lonely nights.

“Back then any time you tried to sneak up on me it sounded like a Titan running in a tunnel,” Levi said. “I could've heard you open the bedroom door from here.” 

“We were also raised in a time where we weren't constantly assaulted with loud sounds,” Erwin explained. “This time era is much louder, if you haven't noticed.” 

“No. I could hear you because your old man joints popped every time you took a step,” Levi quipped. Erwin laughed and nodded. 

“Well,” he said. “You'll be glad to know that this time my old man joints aren't nearly as stressed as they were back then.” 

“And you still can't sneak up on me for shit,” Levi said. 

“I'll try harder,” Erwin promised. The shower turned off then. He heard Levi wiping water off his skin before he opened the shower door. Steam billowed out of the shower, and Levi stepped out onto the rug on the tiled floor. He looked at Erwin, looking at him. 

“Still a voyeur,” Levi commented.

“I'll never change.” Levi took his towel from the rack then and started drying off. 

“I'm used to it anyway,” Levi said. 

“Breakfast is ready.” Erwin didn't take his eyes from watching Levi dry off. 

“I remember you trying to wake me up with the temptation of waffles,” Levi said. Erwin stood from the tub then and stepped out. When he walked past Levi, he leaned down and put a kiss on top of the wet, black hair. 

Levi walked into the kitchen wearing only a pair of black boxer briefs. Erwin was leaned over the kitchen island, reading on his phone. Levi's eyes fell to the tattoo on Erwin's bare chest automatically. Erwin turned off the screen and set his phone on the counter.

Levi picked up a plate and started decorating his waffles with strawberries, chocolate chips, syrup and whipped cream. Erwin fixed himself a plate of waffles with syrup a couple of pieces of bacon.

When they were both satisfied with what they had, they sat on the bar stools at the island and began eating. After a few bites, Levi cut a off a piece of his own waffles and offered it to Erwin. Erwin opened his mouth and took the bite. 

“Mm,” Erwin nodded, chewing. He grinned after his swallowed. “That's a lot more entertaining than just syrup.” One corner of Levi's mouth tilted up, and they continued their meal in silence. For his final bite, Erwin put some whipped cream on his waffle. That was the part of Levi's waffle combination that he had enjoyed most. All of it together was a bit too sweet for Erwin.

When they had finished, they both slid their plates away from themselves. Levi leaned over and crossed his arms on the counter. Erwin mimicked the position, and they enjoyed the quiet moment. Levi licked his lips and swallowed before he decided he was ready to speak.

“I actually need to pack and get going,” Levi said. Erwin looked at him then, curiously. 

“So early?” There wasn't any disappointment in Erwin's voice, only curiosity. Levi nodded. 

“It's laundry day,” Levi said. 

“You can use my washer and dryer if you like,” Erwin offered. 

“I need to go home and clear my head,” Levi said. Erwin smirked. He had expected it, but not so soon. Levi always needed more alone time than most people. He leaned close pressed a kiss against Levi's forehead. 

“You can come back any time you like,” Erwin said. 

“I know,” Levi said. He stood from the stool then and began clearing the breakfast dishes. Erwin picked up his phone and began reading again while Levi cleaned up. When Levi began to walk past him to go pack up, Erwin put his arm out and caught Levi. He put his phone down on the counter again. Levi allowed Erwin to pull him close. 

“Thank you for cleaning up,” Erwin said. Levi furrowed his brows with a smirk. 

“Tell me how nice your drying rack looks,” Levi said motioning to the black drying rack he had bought Erwin the day before. It was holding their still damp breakfast dishes, draining into the sink. 

“I like it,” Erwin said. “Thank you, darling.” Levi pulled away from Erwin's arm and went to pack up. Erwin ran his hand through his hair nervously when he thought Levi had gone down the hallway. He wasn't ready for him to leave, but he certainly wasn't going to say that. 

When Levi came back with his duffle bag stuffed full again and properly dressed, he dropped it in the kitchen floor. Erwin stood from his stool and pulled Levi into a hug. Levi returned it, tightly. It made a smile break across Erwin's face. 

Levi pulled away and Erwin straightened up. Levi picked up his bag and began walking to the front door. Erwin followed. Levi put on his shoes that he had left at the door, and looked up at Erwin. 

“See you on Friday,” Levi said. They hadn't discussed Levi coming back, but of course Erwin was glad he had already decided to visit again. Erwin nodded. 

“See you then,” Erwin said. Levi leaned up on his toes, and Erwin leaned down to meet him. They kissed quickly before Levi left the house, closing the door quietly behind him. 

Erwin stood, staring at the closed door until his bare feet began to hurt from not moving for so long. He stepped back from the door, still staring at it. Part of him was imagining a very romantic scenario of Levi walking back through the front door and saying he could stay another night. But that wasn't realistic. Erwin knew that Levi definitely needed some time and space to adjust to the time they spent together. Truthfully, Erwin needed some alone time too. He turned and went to the kitchen island to grab his phone and put it in his pocket. Then, he decided a shower would probably soothe his nerves. Erwin walked down the hallway of house, which suddenly felt very empty, and considered what he wanted to do for the rest of the day.

When he opened the bathroom door, Erwin walked to the bathroom counter to look in the mirror. He saw that Levi's toothbrush was still in the holder next to his own. A gentle smile crossed his face. 

Erwin took his phone out of his sweatpants pocket and pulled up Levi's text messages.

_Erwin: Are you still driving?_

_Levi: Stopped at a gas station for cigarettes_

_Erwin: You left your toothbrush._

_Levi: Well shit! I wonder where I can get another one. Like the free ones they have a dentist's office._

_Erwin: I'm going to put it in my mouth._

_Levi: Creep. I hope you gag_

_Erwin: I think I proved to you this weekend that I don't gag._

_Levi: One of your white undershirts “fell” out of your laundry hamper and into my bag before I left. I guess I can keep it if you're going to mouth fuck my toothbrush_

_Erwin: But I might need that shirt? I might need it today? Right now? I think I need it back right now._

_Levi: No you don't_

_Erwin: I know._

_Levi: Leaving the gas station now bye_

Erwin sent a kissing emoji.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A great friend of mine created some fan art for this series, and I'm shocked by such a precious gift. This is the first time anyone has ever created fan art based on something that I've written. I'm so honored. Thank you so much! 
> 
>  
> 
> [ Sithiere's fan art. ](http://sithiere.tumblr.com/post/151758587974/okay-so-my-first-and-for-a-while-only-attempt)
> 
>  
> 
> My [ tumblr ](http://valisi-clark.tumblr.com/post/151759575314/sithiere-okay-so-my-first-and-for-a-while) . Feel free to say hello.


	13. October 29, 2014

On Wednesday, Erwin's cell phone lit up on his desk while he was grading a test during his lunch break. He glanced at it, and saw it was a text from Levi. Erwin turned his attention back to the test. If he began texting Levi, he might lose his train of thought. The student obviously had no idea how to answer the essay portion of the test, and he needed to think of an eloquent way to write “You're an idiot.” in red ink. Erwin squinted at the next sentence of the girl's essay and decided he couldn't handle reading anymore.

He picked up his phone and checked the text. 

_Levi: I didn't realize until today that this Friday is Halloween_

Erwin looked at his desk calendar. Levi was right. Friday was Halloween. 

_Erwin: So it is. Is there a certain way you would like to celebrate?_

_Levi: In your emails you mentioned Mike fucking with Hange and Moblit while all of them are drunk and I want to see that shit_

Erwin smiled and almost laughed at the text. 

_Erwin: Do you drink, Levi?_

_Levi: Sometimes. I can't have a lot because it fucks with my methadone. But I can have some._

_Erwin: What do you drink?_

_Levi: Whiskey_

_Erwin: I'll invite everyone over. What time will you come home Friday?_

_Levi: 1830 ish_

_Erwin: I'll tell everyone 8 pm?_

_Levi: Sounds good_

_Erwin: Wear a costume?_

_Levi: I'll be a dental hygienist_

_Erwin: But Levi :(_

_Levi: Fine. I'll surprise you :-|_

_Erwin: I like surprises. :D_

_Levi: I know. Talk to you soon_

_Erwin: Have a good day, darling._

Levi turned the screen of his phone off and put it down on the table. He drank some more of his lukewarm tea and thought about a costume. He didn't want to spend a lot of money on it, and he was feeling nervous about finding a costume on short notice. But he wanted Erwin to be happy. 

Mary walked into the break room then and went to the refrigerator to get her lunch. 

“Hey, Landon,” Mary said. 

“Hey.” 

“You look like you're thinking pretty hard.” Mary took her tupperware of leftovers out of the refrigerator and walked over to the microwave. She popped open the door on the microwave and took the lid off the plastic container before putting it into the machine. Then, closing the door, Mary added a few minutes to the timer. 

“I was just invited to a party this weekend,” Levi said. “And I don't have a costume.” Mary smiled and started the microwave before she turned around to look at Levi.

“You can't think of anything you want to wear?” 

“No. But I want something simple,” Levi said. “And cheap.” Mary tilted her head and her eyes raised to the ceiling while she thought. 

“Do you have clothes that you can convert into a costume?” Levi shrugged and put his mug of tea down. He picked up his phone and began Googling ideas for last minute costumes. He found a few websites that made lists of last minute ideas, and he looked at a few of them. All of the costumes looked rather stupid, and he wanted to impress Erwin with his choice. Mary pulled her own phone out of her scrub pocket and began helping Levi research for ideas. 

“I could wear all black with some sunglasses and be a bouncer,” Levi suggested. Mary shook her head.

“That's not easily recognized. Nothing is worse than having people ask you what you're dressed as for an entire party,” she said. Then she paused, looking through some lists of last minutes ideas. “If you have a button up shirt and some tighty whities, you could be Walter White from Breaking Bad. People would recognize him,” Mary suggested. 

“I didn't watch that show. Who's Walter White?” 

“He's a high school chemistry teacher who starts making and selling meth to pay for cancer treatment,” she said. Levi cringed, not really liking the idea of being a drug manufacturer for Halloween. He knew Erwin would definitely disapprove. For a moment, Levi struggled to find a way to explain why he didn't like Mary's idea without telling her the truth. He had hidden his addiction from the dentist and his coworkers and never intended for them to find out. 

“We were issued white underwear in boot camp, and I swore I would never wear them again. Ever,” Levi said. 

“How picky,” Mary teased. 

“I'm not picky. I'm a purist,” Levi grumbled. Mary giggled and looked back down at her phone. She searched for images of Halloween accessories and smiled when she saw some of the pictures. One of them gave her an idea. 

“You have a lot of black clothes?” Mary asked.

“Yeah,” Levi said. He looked away from his phone and up at Mary. Mary smiled and looked up from her phone at Levi. 

“I know where you can buy your costume for less that twenty bucks today,” Mary said.


	14. October 31, 2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional **WARNING** for a solitary homophobic slur.
> 
> I'll be updating the cover summary with this warning too.

On Friday night, Levi opened the front door to Erwin's house and stepped in. He closed the door behind him and kicked his shoes off his feet. 

“Hey,” Levi called. 

“Welcome home,” Erwin called back. Levi walked through the foyer and took a left to the kitchen. That's where Erwin was. He was pulling something out of the oven. Erwin stood upright and smiled at Levi. Levi took the time to look Erwin over. He was in his gray sweatpants and a white, cotton shirt. His hair looked freshly washed and was unstyled. Levi looked at the baking pan. 

“What's that?” 

“Bacon wrapped teriyaki chicken bites,” Erwin smiled widely. Levi squinted at the little bites of food with toothpicks shoved through them. Erwin put the pan on the top of the stove. Levi put his grocery bag of bananas on the counter and approached the stove. He experimentally touched one of the toothpicks, and they were still very warm, which meant the food was too hot to eat. Of course, he had just seen Erwin take them out of the oven, but Levi was hungry and curious. “They're hot,” Erwin warned. Levi took his hand back. “You can steal one before Hange gets here. As soon as she finds out they're here, they'll be gone.” Erwin leaned down and pulled out another full sized pan out of the oven and put it next to the other pan on the range. 

Levi looked to the kitchen island then. 

“Shit, Erwin,” he said. “How many people did you invite?” On one corner of the island, there was a bottle of Jack Daniel's Tennessee Honey, two bottles of Jack Daniel's and a 4.5 liter bottle of Grey Goose on the kitchen island along with six glasses. 

“Just Hange, Moblit, and Mike and Nanaba,” Erwin said. He took the oven mitts off of his hands and tossed them to the side of the stove. 

“All of that liquor is for six of us?” Levi eyed him suspiciously. Erwin smiled. 

“You'll see,” Erwin said. “Hange and Moblit will split that bottle of Grey Goose between the two of them, but they won't finish it. They'll give it a good try though. I've offered to let everyone stay the night.” Levi shook his head. Erwin leaned down and found Levi's lips with his own for a quick kiss. “Are you nervous to see them?” 

“No,” Levi said. 

“Excited?” Levi shrugged and walked back around the kitchen island to head to the back bedroom. In the hallway, Levi saw the two doors on the left side of the hallway were open again, with lamp light streaming from both of them. The bathroom on the right smelled freshly cleaned when he walked by it, and Erwin's bedroom door was open rather than being closed. However, the door at the end of the hallway was still closed. Levi wanted to explore it, but he didn't have time. 

Levi stepped into Erwin's room and went to the closed door on the right of the room, which could only be the closet. He opened the door to the closet. Levi stepped forward and saw a light switch to the left of the door. He flicked it up, and the deep walk-in closet became visible. The entire right side was stuffed full with Erwin's clothes, shoes and miscellaneous things. It was all organized, but there was a lot of it. The left side of the closet was only a wall of empty wire shelves. At first, Levi imagined that Erwin had cleared it out during the week. Part of him imagined that Erwin had kept the closet half empty since he had moved into the house. 

_“He's been waiting all of this time,”_ Levi thought. Guilt crept up in Levi's chest, but he pushed it down. He made a mental note to talk about it in group later next week. If he couldn't contain it, then he would have to call Derrick and talk it out before he went to bed.

Levi stepped into the closet and dropped his bag. He knelt and began unpacking. When he had pulled all of his clothes and change of shoes out. He arranged them along the empty wire shelves. Once he was satisfied that he could find everything easily, he pulled his toiletry bag from the overnight bag. Standing in a fluid motion, Levi pushed the collapsed duffle bag against the wall of the closet with his foot. Then, he went to the bathroom to shower, per his usual routine. He heard the bathroom door open while he was washing his hair. 

“What costume did you bring?” Erwin asked. Levi heard Erwin open a drawer at the bathroom counter. 

“You'll see,” Levi said. Erwin looked at Levi's open toiletry bag on the bathroom counter and saw multiple prescription pill bottles and bottles of vitamins. As quietly as possible, Erwin picked up one of the pill bottles and read all of the information on the label. It was Levi's methadone, and it was a very high dose of 150 milligrams. 

_“He shouldn't be drinking at all if he's taking this much,”_ Erwin squinted, thinking. _“He can safely have about four ounces, probably. Anything else may depress his system too much.”_ Quickly, Erwin made a mental note of Levi's doctor's name and the dosage of methadone so he could research it more later. Erwin put the bottle back in its place and picked up another one. He read all of Levi's pill bottles, one by one, and only then realized he was being too quiet. Erwin put the final pill bottle back in the bag and began moving things on the counter to make himself sound busy.

There was a clattering of items on the bathroom counter while Levi finished rinsing his skin. When he stepped out of the shower to dry off, he saw Erwin was styling his hair. Levi put the towel on top of his head and rubbed it vigorously against his hair until it felt drier. 

When Levi took the towel away from his head, he paused and examined Erwin from head to toe. Erwin was wearing a long black robe with a green and white striped tie and an emblem of a silver snake surrounded by green on the left side of his robe. 

“What are you dressed as?” Levi tilted his head slightly. Erwin smiled. 

“I'm Slytherin wizard,” Erwin said. “You didn't read the Harry Potter books?” 

“No,” Levi said. Erwin put down his comb and smiled at Levi. 

“You should read them sometime,” Erwin said. “Or at least watch the movies.” Levi nodded and bent over to dry his legs. He felt kind of stupid about his costume choice then, but he had sort of promised Erwin he would wear something besides his scrubs. “I made us something easy for dinner,” Erwin said. “I hope that's okay.” 

“Aren't we going to eat when everyone gets here?” 

“Sure,” Erwin said. “But if we follow your routine, then a quiet dinner is part of that, right? And we can watch some TV after everyone passes out.” 

“I'm flexible,” Levi said continuing to pat his skin with the towel.

“I know,” Erwin said. “I'm selfish with your time.” Levi met Erwin's eyes, and there was gentle smile on his face. 

“What's with your face?” Erwin shrugged, making the robes flutter for a moment. Levi threw his towel over the towel rack and walked past Erwin to go to the bedroom and get dressed. 

He went to the closet and picked up the loose, long sleeved black shirt. After he put it on, he rolled the sleeves up until they were bunched at the crook of his elbows. Then, he pulled on his loose black jeans, zipped and buttoned them. He slipped his black leather belt through the loops of his pants and secured it. Levi pulled on a pair of black socks to cover the scars on his feet. He put his cigarettes and phone in his back pockets. Lastly, Levi picked up the knitted black beanie with cat ears attached and pulled it over his head. He hoped it didn't look as ridiculous as he imagined. Mary insisted that it looked good on him and was even kind enough to go to the mall with him to pick it out. 

Levi stepped out of the closet to go look in the bathroom mirror. Erwin wasn't in the bedroom or bathroom anymore. Levi looked in the mirror and flipped the hem of the beanie up a bit so it wasn't so low on his head. He pulled at the strands of hair which were visible below the hat. When he thought it looked alright, he took all of his bottles of medicine and vitamins out of his toiletry bag. He took one of the water glasses from the bathroom counter and filled it for later. Levi left the bathroom, tapping the light out, and walked over to the side of the bed he would sleep on. He put down his water glass on the nightstand and organized his pill bottles the way he wanted them. Then, he picked up his methadone bottle and opened it. He looked inside and counted the pills. Even though he needed a refill soon, there were still plenty in the bottle. Levi capped the bottle and put it back down on the nightstand before leaving the bedroom. 

Levi walked down the hallway and found Erwin in the kitchen. His back was turned and Levi walked up behind Erwin to see what he was doing. Erwin was assembling some sandwiches on thick Italian bread. There was ham, cheese, lettuce and Erwin was about to put tomato on the sandwich. 

“I don-” Erwin jumped and backed away from Levi, startled.

“Levi, you scared-” Erwin stopped, and his face broke into a goofy smile. His cheeks blushed. “Oh, my God, Levi. Your ears!” Erwin stepped closer and reached out, feeling of the little, knitted cat ears with both hands. 

“Happy?” Levi snapped. His real ears were turning red. 

“Yes! Very!” Erwin said, still rubbing the fabric between his thumbs and index fingers. Levi reached up and swatted his hands away. Erwin chuckled and let his hands fall back to his sides.

“I don't like tomato,” Levi said. Erwin's face was hurting from smiling so much.

“Alright.” Levi closed the sandwich that didn't have tomato and took a bite. “We could eat at the table,” Erwin offered. Levi shook his head and chewed. Erwin closed his own sandwich and began eating. They ate in silence, standing at the kitchen counter, and Erwin was mostly staring at Levi's cat ears the entire time. _“What's the best way to tell this man that he's adorable?”_ Erwin wondered. _“Probably shouldn't ruin it for him,”_ he decided. When they finished eating, Levi put the plates in the dishwasher. He looked at the clock. It was only 7:45. Enough time for a cigarette. 

“They won't be on time,” Erwin said. Levi pulled his cigarettes out of his back pocket and began walking to the back of the house. He opened the exterior door and stepped out onto the concrete. It was much cooler under his sock feet than it had been only a week before. Winter was still attempting to start. He was ready for the cooler weather. 

Levi walked around to his chair and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. He put it on the chair before he sat down, criss-crossing his legs in front of himself. He opened the cigarette pack and pulled one out. Holding the filter with his lips, he struck his lighter and inhaled. He popped the menthol capsule as an after thought.

Erwin stepped out onto the porch and left the back door open so he could hear the doorbell if it rang. He went to his chair and sat down. 

“Where's your nose ring?” Erwin asked. 

“I kept it flipped up so Hange wouldn't want to play with it,” Levi explained. Levi looked at Erwin then. He wasn't wearing his robe, to make it easier to sit in the long chair. Erwin had a pack of Marlboro Smooths in his hand. 

“Smart move,” Erwin said. He started packing the tobacco. Levi dragged and inhaled behind the smoke. 

“Are they the same?” Levi asked. Erwin started pulling the plastic off his new pack and tossed it in the butt can between them. 

“Mostly,” he said. He opened the pack and pulled a cigarette out. Then, a look of confusion crossed over his face followed quickly by amusement. “I forgot to buy a lighter.” Erwin gave Levi a shy smile. Levi leaned over and struck his lighter for Erwin. Erwin leaned into it until the tip lit. 

“Fucking amateur,” Levi teased while rolling his eyes. Smoke puffed out of Erwin's mouth. 

“I like to smoke when I drink,” Erwin said. “Or when I'm around you, I guess. Because it reminds me of those times.” 

“I try not to think about those times,” Levi said, talking about the Titan War. Erwin smiled. 

“I meant specifically the times we would lay in bed after fucking,” he laughed gently. Smoke flew out of Levi's mouth when he huffed out a laugh. 

“Oh,” he cleared his throat. “What I said doesn't apply then.” 

“I didn't think so,” Erwin said. 

“So they're mostly the same then,” Levi said, returning to the original topic. He dragged on his cigarette.

“Mike is more talkative,” Erwin said. “You remember he didn't speak much back then, except to Nanaba.” 

“Yeah.” 

“But we were in the Army together, and he opened up a lot there,” Erwin explained. “The modern military has so much morale than we ever did in the Survey Corps. So he created bonds that he didn't allow himself to have back then, and that helped his talkative nature develop. Moblit is the same as he was,” Erwin dragged on his cigarette again and exhaled fully before continuing. “Still following Hange around any time he's near her. But Hange thinks that's left over from their past life, her being his superior, and he hasn't corrected her.” Levi nodded. “Nanaba is the same. Introverted and calm. She's happier though, obviously. I think we all are. Hange is as animated and talkative as ever.” Levi's eyes moved over Erwin then, taking in the image. Erwin was wearing a black suit vest with a black, button up shirt under it, with the emerald green and white tie being the only color to break up the full black outfit. The black slacks fit him well, and he was in black socks too. Levi liked the way that Erwin looked in all black. He dragged on his cigarette without breaking the gaze. Erwin turned his head and met Levi's eyes. “So you aren't nervous at all?” 

“No,” Levi said again. “I just wanted to know what to expect. I'm not a big fan of surprises.” He thought for a moment more. “They know about my recovery?” Erwin nodded. 

“They don't know the details of what you've been doing the last two years,” Erwin said. “They just know you've been gone, and I've been emailing you.” Apprehension crawled up Levi's backbone. He hadn't considered how everyone might feel towards him about what he had done to Erwin. 

“Are they pissed?” Levi asked. Erwin's brow furrowed, mid-drag on the cigarette. 

“About what?” 

“About me hiding from you? You said Hange went to the Starbucks looking for me a lot.” 

“Oh,” Erwin said. “If they are, they haven't mentioned it to me. I think they understand, except for Mike. He doesn't think your ends justified your means, even though he often told me you would come back. But, like last time, I'm sure you two will come to an understanding.” Levi smiled. 

“As long as he doesn't put my face in shit water this time around, we'll be alright,” Levi said. Erwin laughed. They heard the doorbell ring. Both men took a final drag from their cigarettes before tossing them in the can and standing up. 

Erwin walked into the house first and picked up his robe from the back of the sectional. He tossed it on while he walked to the front door. A glance at the clock, and he realized they were a little early, excited to see Levi probably. Erwin reached the front door and opened it. 

Hange rushed by him. 

“Hey, Erwin!” she called running through the house. He only caught a glimpse of her witch hat before she turned the corner, stomping in her black boots. He smiled and turned back around to see Moblit had his arms full of pizza boxes, six of them. Erwin took three off the top. “LEEVVI! Your ears! You look so stinking cute!” Hange was screaming. “Stop pushing! Let me love you!” Erwin and Moblit laughed, and Moblit stepped into the house then. 

“She was too excited to wait,” Moblit said. “We're early for once.” 

“It's fine,” Erwin said. His eyes ran over Moblit's priest costume. “Interesting choice.” 

“Hange picked it out,” Moblit said dismissively before he began walking towards the kitchen. 

“It suits you? Kind of?” Erwin closed the door behind Moblit and followed. Erwin turned the corner and saw that Hange had a helpless Levi wrapped up in a hug. His eyes were visible over Hange's shoulder, half-lidded with irritation but he had his arms tightly around her waist. If he actually had a cat tail, Erwin could only imagine how hard it would be twitching. Erwin didn't understand why Levi had stopped struggling already. He expected Levi to resist so much physical contact, but he was even rubbing his hand against Hange's back. The two men set the pizza boxes down near the stove. 

When Moblit set the pizzas down, he immediately went to the Grey Goose bottle and opened it. He took one of the glasses Erwin had set out and began pouring until he reached two fingers depth. Then Moblit put a couple of ice cubes in the glass. He walked over to Hange and tapped her on the shoulder. 

When Hange lifted her head from Levi's shoulder, Erwin saw she had a steady stream of tears running down her cheeks. Erwin leaned against the kitchen counter and crossed his arms over his chest. The sight of the final reunion caused warmth to flood his chest. 

_“The whole family,”_ Erwin thought.

“Thanks, Moblit,” Hange whimpered and took the glass. Levi pulled away then and started tugging at his clothes to put them back in place. Hange took a big swallow of the vodka. “It's Levi!” she said before taking a drink again. Moblit patted her on the back.

“I know, Squad Leader,” Moblit said. Levi walked away from them and to the other side of the kitchen island to stand next to Erwin. 

“The exact same,” Levi muttered to Erwin. Erwin smiled widely. Moblit offered Hange a handkerchief, and she took it, wiping at her eyes under her glasses, sniffling. Erwin reached over and adjusted Levi's hat from where Hange had disturbed it. Surprisingly, Levi reached up and pulled at his septum ring until it hung down below his nostrils. 

“I see you like to live on the edge,” Erwin whispered. Hange and Moblit walked up to the kitchen island then. Hange was still sniffling while she refilled her glass. 

“Slow the fuck down, Hange,” Levi snapped. “It's barely eight o'clock.” Hange lifted the glass to her mouth and began swallowing. Moblit poured himself some vodka and went to the fridge to put some ice in his glass. He walked back over to Hange who had stopped gulping down the liquor for a moment. Moblit clinked his glass against Hange's. 

“To Levi,” Moblit said. “He's the one who found you.” Hange lifted her glasses, still a mess of tears. 

“To Levi,” she whimpered and began swallowing the vodka again. Levi crossed his arms in front of his chest, uncomfortable with the acknowledgment.

“How can you drink that shit straight?” Levi snapped.

“When they drink, they binge,” Erwin said. 

“Well let's not fall behind then,” Levi said. He leaned away from the counter and approached the island, looking at the Whiskey. “Regular or Honey?”

“Regular, please,” Erwin said. Moblit was rubbing Hange on her back. She had crumpled over the island, holding her forehead in her hand. Levi poured himself some of the honey whiskey and poured a glass of the regular for Erwin, measuring two fingers depth for Erwin and one finger depth for himself, before stepping back to his place. Erwin took his glass out of Levi's hands and clinked it against Levi's glass before he lifted it to his mouth. Levi tasted of the Tennessee Honey, and looked in the glass. He liked the sweetness, but he wanted something else.

“Do you have any Coke?” Levi asked. Erwin had trouble swallowing his whiskey when he heard the question. He realized only a second later what Levi was actually asking. 

“We brought some,” Moblit said. “I'll go get it.” He walked past Hange and towards the front of the house. Hange lifted her head then and wiped at some more tears. Levi put his glass on the counter behind him while he waited on the soda. 

“Sorry, Levi,” she said. “I thought I could keep it together.” 

“Buck up,” Levi said. “It's supposed to be a party, shitty-glasses.” She laughed loudly then and nodded, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose. Hange stood up straight and adjusted her black witch costume. Levi could see the edge of the Survey Corps tattoo on the left side of her chest, past the square cut neckline of her dress. The dress was knee length and trimmed with purple. Her hat was tall and decorated with purple pumpkins, cats and skulls.

“Tell me what's new!” Hange said. “Erwin wouldn't tell me anything because he wanted you to tell me yourself or something ridiculous like that.” Erwin smiled at her over his whiskey glass before taking a drink. “He has a way of distracting me from what I want to know somehow. By the way, that Slytherin robe looks very realistic.” Hange narrowed her eyes in mock suspicion. 

“Thank you,” Erwin said with a sly smile. 

“I'm a dental hygienist,” Levi said. 

“Cool!” Hange squealed. “First life, you knock teeth out. Second life, you're cleaning them,” she paused and looked confused. Levi cringed when Hange mentioned knocking teeth out. The intrusive image of a tooth flying out of Eren's mouth in the court room flooded Levi's vision for a moment. “Speaking of cleaning, what's that like for you now?” She took another drink from her glass. The image of Eren disappeared from Levi's mind, and he shrugged. 

“Mostly the same,” Levi said. “Easier though.” She nodded and took another drink from her glass. They heard the front door open and multiple voices chaterring. 

“Hange, where's my money!” Mike called. The front door closed heavily.

“Moblit! You told him!” Hange protested loudly. Moblit rounded the corner then, brown paper bags in his arms, full of Coke and Sprite bottles. He set them on the island counter. Mike and Nanaba rounded the corner. Levi almost burst out laughing when he saw Mike's costume. Mike was dressed as a gladiator. No shirt. Just the Roman style skirt, silver collar draped over his shoulders, sash connecting the collar to the skirt, and the leg pieces that were supposed to look like boots. When Mike saw Levi, he did burst out into laughter, and Levi lost it then. They were both bent in half, laughing at each other, and everyone else was left to look between the two of them, amused and confused. Eventually, Levi gained enough composure to raise a single middle finger to Mike for laughing at him. But Mike was wiping tears from his eyes, and didn't notice the gesture. 

Nanaba walked over to the counter and put a big woven basket down on the counter. She went to Levi then. Levi straightened up and smiled up at her while she approached him. 

Nanaba was dressed in a very short female pirate costume, with tall black, heeled boots, completed with a large black hat on top of her head that was topped off with a feather. There was a huge tattoo of the Survey Corps insignia on her right thigh. Levi had to tear his eyes away from the ink and look her in the eye again.

“Hey,” Nanaba said. 

“Hey,” Levi replied. Nanaba leaned down and Levi reached up to give her a hug. 

“Good to see you,” she mumbled patting his back roughly. 

“You too,” Levi said. They parted, and Nanaba went back to the basket she had brought. Mike had recovered enough to walk over to Hange and wrap his arm around her shoulders. She was leaned over the counter with her head in her hand again. Watching Nanaba and Levi hug had been too much for her to handle. Levi and Mike made eye contact, nodded to each other, and that was a good enough greeting for both of them. Mike leaned in close to Hange then. 

“So,” Mike said. “About my money.” 

“Shut it, Mike,” Hange snapped, a whimper in her voice. “I just can't even right now.” Mike reached over and grabbed the giant Grey Goose bottle with one hand, by the neck. He opened it and filled Hange's glass again. 

“Hange,” Mike said. “You smell like you need to drink some more.” Hange couldn't hide the giggle, but she wouldn't lift her head. He topped off Moblit while he had the bottle in his hand. That's when Levi remembered his drink. He grabbed his glass from behind him and stepped closer to the island to pour some Coke over his whiskey. Hange lifted her head to look at Levi. 

“Oh, my God,” Hange said. Her eyes widened, and she was looking directly at Levi's nose. 

“Hange-” Levi started.

“You have a nose ring. Let me touch it,” Hange whispered, causing the suspension in the room to rise. 

“No,” Levi said. 

“Just a little,” she said, completely focused on the ring hanging from Levi's nose. “Let me pull it a little bit.” 

“No.”

“Moblit,” Hange whined. 

“Get your own nose ring and play with it,” Moblit snapped, taking another sip of his drink. Hange collapsed over the kitchen island in despair once more. Mike started making his own Jack and Coke then. 

“You want a drink, babe?” Mike asked. 

“Yes, please,” Nanaba answered. She was pulling snacks that she had made out of the basket. That's when Erwin remembered the appetizers he had made earlier. 

“Hange,” Erwin said. 

“Yeah,” she said dejectedly. 

“I made your favorite,” Erwin said. He pointed behind him at the stove. She perked up immediately and walked around the island to the stove, drink in hand. 

“Erwin,” she squealed. “My favorite!” 

“That's what I said,” Erwin responded. Hange began eating, and Levi walked up next to her. He took one of the skewered combinations from the pan and ate one. 

“Aren't they the best?” Hange asked. Levi chewed and explored all of the flavors in his mouth.

“They're not bad,” he said. He took another one. Mike took a drink to Nanaba and was holding his own in his other hand. 

“How about a toast,” Erwin said. Everyone turned to faced their Commander, Hange still munching. “To second chances,” Erwin said. He raised his glass. Everyone raised their glass, repeating the toast, and then they all drank together. Levi took two swallows of the drink, thinking about his sacrifice, how he had given away everything he had ever wanted in that first life and almost completely ruined his second one. He was staring at Erwin over the rim of his glass while he drank. Watching Erwin's throat bob when he swallowed made the little hairs on the back of Levi's neck stand up.

The drinking continued in earnest then. All of them munched on Erwin's appetizers and Nanaba's homemade candies and salty snacks. The pizzas began to dwindle, but were never finished. After a few hours, all of the veterans settled in the living room to relax while the alcohol took its toll. 

When Hange and Moblit made it a quarter of the way through their bottle, they ended up on one end of the sectional together, curled up with their bottle between them. They had abandoned glasses and were just drinking straight from the giant bottle. Sometimes they had to help each other raise it enough to drink from it. Mike saw they were too drunk to stand properly and took that as his cue to start teasing them. He stood in front of the couch, leaned over them sniffed them and sneered. Hange immediately errupted into laughter, and Moblit laughed at Hange laughing, trying to make sure she wouldn't tip the bottle over. Mike continued to torture them until Hange had tears running down her cheeks. 

Nanaba was in Erwin's recliner, her legs thrown over an arm of the chair, softly laughing at all of them, drink in hand. She and Mike had already gone through half of a bottle of whiskey together. Sometimes she would scold Mike for what he was doing, but she didn't mean it. It was fun to watch. 

“Mike!” Hange squawked between laughter. “Tell me-” she giggled uncontrollably. Nanaba giggled at Hange's giggles, and they went back and forth until they caught their breath again. “Tell the story about sniffing Moblit the first time.” 

“Nooooo,” Moblit groaned, his face blushing deeper from alcohol and embarrassment.

“Well,” Mike said quietly. Hange's eyes grew wide with childish anticipation. “I leaned in.” Mike leaned in close to Moblit, who was trying to sink into the couch farther. “And then.” Mike sniffed a few times in rapid succession and sneered. Hange erupted into laughter, and Moblit looked like he was about to pass out from mortification. Mike had to steady the giant bottle of liquor between the two of them. 

Erwin and Levi sat in the corner of the large sectional, watching quietly while they drank. Levi hadn't even finished his first drink, but Erwin had been through several glasses of liquor. Levi liked looking at the giant tattoo on Mike's back. The Survey Corps wings stretched from Mike's shoulder blades down to his hips, and they didn't have a field of green like the rest of the tattoos he had seen among the veterans. There was blood on some of the feathers. Levi liked that detail, but was curious why Mike had chosen that style. Eventually, Levi curled up on the couch and leaned in closer to Erwin. Erwin reciprocated by wrapping his arm around Levi and pulling him in for a proper snuggle. He couldn't resist reaching up and rubbing one of Levi's car ears between his thumb and forefinger. Levi didn't object.

When Hange and Moblit began melting into the couch too much for Mike to tease them anymore, he stood upright and turned to Nanaba. He walked over to the recliner and put a kiss on her forehead. Nanaba smiled up at him and tapped him playfully on the nose with her right index finger.

“Boop,” Nanaba said. Mike chuckled at her and pretended to try and bite her finger. She pulled her hand away and tucked it between her body and the chair to protect it.

“Baby,” Mike said. Nanaba hummed in response. Mike took the glass out of her hand and put it on the side table next to the chair. “Where are my cigarettes?” 

“Where you left them,” Nanaba slurred.

“At home?” Mike asked. Nanaba shrugged, still holding her hand up as if there was a glass in it. Mike grinned at her inebriated state. Erwin took his arm away from Levi then, and he stood. Levi caught the drift and uncurled from the couch to stand by Erwin. They both put their drinks on the coffee table. 

“I have some outside, Mike,” Erwin said. Mike nodded and turned to go to the back door. 

All three men walked out of the house and stepped out onto the concrete. Erwin turned on the porch light on his way out. Levi went to his seat and picked up his pack and Erwin's before he sat down. He tossed Erwin's pack to Mike, who caught it. Mike opened it and offered one to Erwin. Erwin took one and Mike followed. Levi opened his pack, popped the menthol capsule and lit his cigarette. 

“Lighter?” Mike asked Erwin. Erwin looked to Levi. 

“You don't have pockets in your skirt?” Levi teased before he tossed his lighter to Mike. 

“I'm not wearing panties,” Mike said before he struck the lighter and offered the flame to Erwin. Levi shook his head. Erwin leaned into the flame until the tip of his cigarette caught, and then Mike lit his own. He tossed the lighter back to Levi. 

“Your tattoo is badass,” Levi said to Mike. 

“Are you going to get one?” Mike asked. 

“I've already got mine,” Levi responded. 

“Where?” Levi patted the inside of his left calf. “The leg you hurt?” Levi nodded and dragged on his cigarette. “When did you get it?” Mike exhaled smoke after a drag, suspicious. 

“Three months ago,” Levi said. 

“Erwin told you about them?” Mike looked at Erwin, and the Commander shook his head. “Huh,” Mike said looking back at Levi. “That's weird.” Levi shrugged and Mike looked back at Erwin. Erwin met Mike's gaze, unwavering, and Mike had to look away. “I've been thinking about getting an Army tattoo where you have your Marine Corps symbol.” Levi furrowed his brows. 

“How do you know about that one?” Levi asked. 

“I was with Erwin that night in the basement,” Mike said. “When you kicked that Nazi's ass. Good work, by the way.” Levi looked confused, searching his memory. 

“I don't remember you being there,” he said. Mike shrugged. 

“You had a lot on your mind,” Mike said. Levi nodded then. They all took a drag, and the silence was comfortable. 

“That bastard had it coming,” Levi said, smoke passing his lips. 

“We showed up to the party late. What did he do?” Mike asked. 

“A guy I knew said the club had gone to shit ever since that skinhead started fighting. He was making the club money, but he brought his doctrine and some of his brothers with him and fucked everything up,” Levi explained. “I had stopped going because the money wasn't worth the trouble. But I needed the cash that night.” 

“Where did you learn to fight?” 

“I started when I was a kid,” Levi said. “I had a friend who could afford to go to a Muay Thai studio, and he would teach me what he learned. We would practice on the weekends. So when I went into the Marines, they taught me shit that I just mixed into it.” 

“Well the pink shorts really threw all of the bets off,” Mike said with a laugh. 

“Yeah,” Levi said a slight grin. “That's how I made the most money though. Those assholes fell for it every time. They'd see my hair and my shorts, call me a fag and instantly lost their focus and fought like shit.” Erwin winced at the slur. None of them said anything for a moment. Erwin dragged and thought of a way to redirect the conversation. 

“The Nazi didn't lose focus,” Erwin finally added. “He stalled.” 

“He had seen me fight before,” Levi said. “Any time he saw me in the club, he wouldn't fight. He didn't know I was there that night.” 

“How?” Mike asked. 

“I showed up late and stood in the back behind everyone,” Levi said. Mike smiled, and Erwin shot him a glance before he could make a short joke. Levi was glaring at Mike, waiting for it. Instead of saying anything, Mike just flared his nostrils and took another drag. Levi continued. “I made sure he was nice and tired before I stepped in. He had hands like concrete. It was hard to see from where you two were standing, but the guy who was in the pit before me had his nose cartilage absolutely shattered. He might have died, I don't know. The Nazi was supposed to be a boxer, but he locked one of his knees. I put a lot of force into that kick. If it hadn't landed, I would've been fucked. But I hope that mother fucker still limps all the way to his KKK meetings,” Levi's tone was venomous. Erwin swallowed, getting more and more uncomfortable with the conversation. 

“I'm glad you kicked his ass, but I'm glad you're out of it,” Mike said. Levi nodded. 

“Me too,” he said, taking a drag from his cigarette. Mike took a final drag from his cigarette and tossed it into the can between the chairs. 

“Better go check on my wife, make sure she hasn't fused to the chair,” Mike said. He walked past Erwin and stepped into the house, closing the door behind him. 

“I forgot to put candy out on the front porch,” Erwin said. Levi looked at Erwin, incredulous. 

“You're a shitty teacher,” Levi said. 

“I'm a horrible person,” Erwin said with a grin. He took a final drag from his cigarette before tossing it in the butt can.

“I bet your house gets egged or rolled,” Levi said. 

“Will you help me clean it up?” Levi took a final drag from his cigarette before tossing it in the can. He exhaled, and pretended to be thinking about saying no. 

“You'd probably do it wrong anyway,” Levi grumbled. “Did you even buy candy?” 

“Yes,” Erwin said. “I just forgot to put it out.” 

“Happy Halloween to me then,” Levi said, standing from his chair. Erwin laughed. Levi walked around the back of the chair and approached Erwin. He stood close, looking up at the blue eyes. 

“Did you get enough of watching Mike explore his sadistic side?” Erwin asked, scanning Levi's face. The conversation of Levi fighting had bothered Erwin, and he wanted to make sure that Levi was still alright.

“Yeah,” Levi said. “I bet he doesn't pull hair like you do though.” Erwin chuckled.

“Levi,” he chided playfully. Levi grabbed Erwin by his tie and pulled him down for a kiss. Their lips met, and Levi forced his tongue past Erwin's teeth. Erwin raised his left hand and put it on the side of Levi's face, meeting the urgency. With his free hand, Levi reached down, under Erwin's robe and put his palm against Erwin's crotch. At the touch, Erwin bit down on Levi's bottom lip. Automatically, Levi lifted his heels off the ground and leaned in closer to Erwin to deepen the kiss. 

The back door opened. 

“Levi,” Hange slurred. Levi and Erwin broke the kiss with a sloppy, wet sound, and Levi turned his head and glared at Hange. Erwin pulled away and Levi's hands returned to his sides. “Let me touch it,” she snorted a laugh. Hange's witch hat wasn't on her head anymore, and she had pulled her hair up in a tie, being too hot from drinking. 

“What the fuck, Hange?” Levi snapped. He could see Moblit just behind Hange, fuming and mortified at the same time. 

“Squad Leader, please shut the hell up,” Moblit growled. Moblit had become so hot from being drunk that his priest costume had been disassembled. He was only in black pants now. The Survey Corps insignia was on his chest in the same place as Hange's, figuratively over his heart. 

“Your nose ring,” Hange giggled maniacally. 

“You can fuck right off, Hange. I'm trying to get my dick wet here,” Levi blurted.

“Levi!” Erwin gasped, heat rushing to his cheeks. Hange cackled with laughter, and that's when Mike showed up behind Hange and Moblit. 

“Time for bed, kiddies,” Mike said, tugging on both of them. Reluctantly, Hange fell back against Mike with a whine of disappointment, and Moblit followed, completely debilitated at that point. Mike closed the door. 

“Still a cock block,” Levi grumbled. He looked back up at Erwin, who couldn't decide if he wanted to be offended or amused by what Levi had said. “What?” Levi asked, innocently. Erwin grinned again. He couldn't even pretend to be irritated when he was looking at Levi in those adorable cat ears. 

“Those cat ears really put me at a disadvantage to scold you,” Erwin said. 

“Try anyway,” Levi said. Erwin raised a hand and ran it behind Levi's head to wrap his fingers in the dark locks under the hat. 

“Meow for me,” Erwin said, with a wide smile. 

“You can fuck off too,” Levi said, but he was smiling. Erwin chuckled and reached up to pet the ears again, and Levi let him. “I need to take my pills,” Levi said. Levi let Erwin rub his ears for just a few moments more before he pushed the hands away. He turned, and Erwin followed Levi inside. The living room was empty. 

Mike came down the hallway and rounded the corner. 

“I'm going to go check on the dog,” Mike said. “Nanaba and the other two are already in bed.” 

“Moblit and Hange sleep in the same bed?” Levi asked. 

“Moblit will sneak out before morning,” Erwin provided with a smile. “Hange gets a little clingy when she drinks.” Levi chuckled and rubbed his forehead to hide the big grin on his face.

“Poor guy, right?” Mike said before he started making his way to the front door. Erwin moved over to the sectional and sat down. They heard the front door open and close. Erwin picked up his last drink that he hadn't finished. He glanced at Levi's drink which was still half full. Erwin estimated that Levi had about two ounces, if that much. He looked back up and noticed Levi was watching him. Erwin's brows furrowed. 

“Are you alright?” Erwin asked. Levi put his hands in his pockets and nodded. 

“I've had a good time,” Levi said. Erwin heard something under Levi's tone. Levi took his hands out of his pockets and scratched the crook of his left arm with his right hand. Erwin swallowed at the sight, wondering if Levi was thinking about shooting up. 

_“For the first time, in a long time, without drugs?”_ Erwin wondered. “Good,” Erwin said instead. Levi nodded.

Levi turned then and began walking down the hallway to the back bedroom. Both of the doors on the left were open. Of course, he looked into them when he passed by. Hange and Moblit were curled up on the blue bedspread. Moblit was awake, hands behind his head staring at the ceiling while Hange snored lightly with her head on his chest. Nanaba was in the other bedroom, curled up under with many extra pillows and extra blankets that she only looked like a lump in the bed. Levi grinned at the sight before he walked to Erwin's room.

Levi pushed the door to Erwin's bedroom open and walked over to his nightstand. He poured his medicine and vitamins into his hand and took them with two swallows of water. When he heard footsteps, he turned around. It was Erwin, robe thrown over his arm. Levi put his water glass back on the nightstand. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and plugged it in for the night, thinking they were about to go to bed. 

Erwin tossed his robe over the hamper, and started pulling off his tie and suit vest. Levi reached up and pulled off his beanie, crossing the room to put it in the closet. He opened the closet door and turned on the light. When he stepped into the closet, he saw Erwin in his peripheral vision, but didn't think anything of it. He reached down and pulled his socks off, and he put his beanie on one of the shelves. Then he took his cigarettes out of his pocket and put them on the shelf next to his beanie so he could remember where they were in the morning. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and put it on top of his cigarette pack. 

Erwin approached Levi and pushed gently at Levi's shoulder. Of course, Levi turned and Erwin kept pushing until they were both fully in the closet. Erwin reached behind him and closed the closet door. Levi was eyeing him suspiciously. Erwin had dressed down to his white cotton undershirt and black slacks. 

“Does this feel familiar?” Erwin asked. A smile raised the corners of Levi's mouth, but it didn't touch his eyes.

“No, it's too fucking clean,” Levi quipped. Erwin smiled. He leaned down and kissed Levi, chastely. It seemed like Levi was in a mood, and he really didn't know what to do about it. When he broke the kiss he opened his eyes, and saw that Levi's eyes still looked dull, uninterested. Erwin stood upright and turned to leave the closet. “Why are you doing that?” Erwin winced at the accusation in Levi's voice. He turned his head and looked at Levi. 

“Doing what?” 

“Being,” Levi paused, thinking about it. “Gentle with me or some shit. I don't know what to call it.” Erwin's eyes widened a little. He took his hand off the doorknob of the closet. 

“You're right,” Erwin said. “I'm definitely more gentle now than how you remember me, I'm sure.” 

“Why?” 

“I guess,” Erwin shrugged and shook his head, not sure what Levi wanted to hear. “It's the times we're in, Levi. I've been influenced by a modern upbringing,” he explained. Levi tilted his head and smirked. Erwin had a bad feeling about that look. 

“I don't think that's it,” Levi said. Erwin turned his body fully then to face Levi. 

“No?” Levi shook his head. “What is it then?”

“I think you've gone soft,” Levi said. “You catch me thinking about dope, and you go limp.” Erwin felt himself lean back a little, like Levi had slapped him. Levi was admitting that he had been thinking about drugs and that he knew Erwin recognized it. Erwin fumbled for something to say. “Not so much of a hardass anymore, huh? Move,” Levi demanded. He reached past Erwin to grab the doorknob, but Erwin's hand wrapped around his forearm. Before Levi could protest or pull away, Erwin spun him around so he was facing the back of the closet. Erwin wrapped his left arm around Levi and pulled until their bodies were touching, Levi's back to his chest. His right hand dropped down to Levi's right hip, and his pressed his fingertips against Levi's hip bone through his jeans. 

“Levi,” Erwin muttered in his ear. Levi's eyes widened when he felt Erwin's breath on his neck. There was a predatory tone to Erwin's voice. Erwin's right hand moved to Levi's belt, and he pulled until the leather came away from the buckle. “You really think I've gone soft?” Even though Erwin's tone was low, even a bit threatening, Levi liked the feeling of heat creeping up his spine and neck. His cock was responding to the motion of Erwin pulling on his belt. When he heard the buckle release the leather fully, Levi licked his lips. Then, he felt his pants being tugged while Erwin pulled the belt from his jeans. “I know you still think about it. But you behave as if you want to be punished for your thoughts,” Erwin added. The fingers of his left hand slipped under the hem of Levi's shirt while his right hand pulled Levi's belt away, dropping it to the hardwood floor of the closet. “Maybe you said that just to irritate me. To see if I would respond.” The last few words were slow, and Levi's mouth watered. 

“You're a fucking marshmallow,” Levi spat. Erwin yanked Levi's shirt up, and Levi's arms raised waiting for the shirt to be pulled over his head. But the shirt didn't lift over his head. It stopped around his arms and face. He was blinded by black fabric, and then he felt his feet come off the floor, Erwin's arms still around him. Levi flailed wildly, cursing. He wiggled in his shirt, trying to pull it down enough to see. But then he felt the floor under his bare stomach, and one of Erwin's hands pinned both of his wrists to the floor. 

Erwin smiled at Levi, trapped in his shirt, but he had to move quickly. Levi's legs were scrambling. He straddled Levi's ass and sat on top of him. 

“Erwin!” Levi protested loudly. “Get the hell off me!” 

“Marshmallows are supposed to be light, aren't they?” Erwin asked, trying to mask at least some of the laughter in his voice. 

“You asshole,” Levi grumbled. The hard floor under him squished his cheek through the fabric of his shirt. 

“Alright,” Erwin said. “I'll let you up.” Levi felt Erwin raise up on his knees, freeing his bottom half. So Levi raised his hips, and bent his knees slightly, ready to pull his wrists away from Erwin's hand. But Erwin didn't take his hand from Levi's wrists. Erwin's right hand slipped under Levi's hips and quickly found the button and zipper of the black jeans. Levi felt some gentle tugging at his crotch, and heard the zipper. He dropped his hips back to the floor, almost crushing Erwin's hand against the hardwood, but Erwin moved his hand in time.

“Erwin,” Levi protested weakly. He had a goofy smile on his face, under the shirt. He was so glad Erwin couldn't see it, but he couldn't hide some of the chuckling in his voice. “Seriously?” 

“It kind of sounds,” Erwin said. “Like you are enjoying this. But I can't hear your very well through your shirt.” Levi rubbed his lips together, trying not to laugh. 

“No,” Levi tried to protest, little huffs of a laugh coming out with the word. 

“Are you still ticklish?” Erwin asked. 

“Don't you fucking dare!” Levi snapped loudly. He was having fun, but a well placed tickle would ruin it. Erwin wrapped his fingers under the hem of Levi's jeans and felt for underwear to pull down along with the jeans. There wasn't any fabric under Levi's jeans. Erwin turned his hand and pushed it under the black denim and palmed Levi's bare ass. 

“No underwear, huh?” Erwin asked, squeezing the curve of Levi's ass. Levi swallowed when he felt heat flood his cheeks. He was really appreciating that the shirt was still hiding his face. Erwin's hand continued to knead at Levi's flesh. “Were you expecting something?” Levi lifted his hips from the floor without a word. He pressed into Erwin's hand. Erwin appreciated Levi's silent permission. He especially liked looking at the smooth angle of Levi's back. Quickly, Erwin moved his hand around Levi's hips, under the denim, and found Levi's cock. He was half hard already “Don't move,” Erwin said. His left hand lifted from Levi's wrists, and Levi didn't move. Erwin used one hand to direct Levi's cock away from the rough denim while he pulled the fabric down to Levi's thighs with the other. He was concerned about the zipper possibly catching Levi in the worst place. Once the jeans were pulled down far enough, Erwin pulled both of his hands away from Levi. 

When Levi felt his jeans being pushed down, he noticed his breaths were faster and more shallow. He was feeling hot under the shirt, but he didn't want to move. He wanted to know what Erwin would do next without actually seeing it. It surprised him a bit when he felt Erwin's hands pull away, but he waited patiently, listening. He hoped that he would hear Erwin's zipper next. Erwin's hand wrapped around Levi's cock instead. Levi gasped and he thrust down into the hand. He closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling of Erwin's hand wrapped around his length. It almost felt like they were in a dark closet from their first life then. 

Erwin held his hand still and watched Levi's hips rise and fall as he thrusted into the fist, the erection hardening from the attention. With his free hand, Erwin freed the button of his slacks free and pulled the zipper down as quietly as he could. Levi was panting enough that he might not notice. When Erwin hand pulled his zipper all the way down, he reached past his pants and pulled his hard cock out of the opening in his underwear.

“Erwin,” Levi panted gently. Erwin smiled and leaned over Levi, supporting himself with his left hand. He had to adjust his right hand a bit to keep his wrist comfortable. Levi felt Erwin leaning down, and then he felt the shift around his cock. He furrowed his brow with the pleasure of feeling Erwin behind him. But then he felt the head of Erwin's cock against his bare ass. Levi gasped and a soft moan pulled from his chest. He grinded against Erwin's cock behind him. He could feel the fabric of Erwin's underwear and pants too. It felt exactly like they were in a rush during a break from paperwork. 

“Levi,” Erwin whispered. “Does this feel familiar yet?” Levi didn't hear the words. He was too busy thrusting down into Erwin's hand and then rising back up to feel the cock against his ass. Erwin moved closer to where he thought Levi's ear was. He gently grinded into Levi's ass, pushing Levi's cock into his hand farther. “Tell me that feels good, darling.” Levi shuddered and gasped a few times, trying to catch his breath. Levi wanted to rush, but Erwin was slowing everything down. Levi was lost in his head, imagining all of the times they had rutted against each other in a dark closet. 

“That's so fucking good, Erwin,” Levi panted. He starting thrusting into Erwin's fist a little harder. 

“Shh, darling,” Erwin breathed. “Don't let anyone hear us.” Erwin was smiling, thoroughly enjoying playing out the fantasy for Levi.

“Shit,” Levi breathed. “Fuck me, Erwin.” Erwin smiled and pressed his cock against Levi's ass again. 

“I left the oil in my office,” Erwin whispered. Levi's eyes rolled under his closed eyelids. “Maybe if you weren't so demanding, I wouldn't have to keep it there.” Levi's mouth was watering so much he had to swallow to clear it. The hand wrapped around his cock, and then feeling Erwin's hard cock against his ass, unable to have it inside of him, felt like it would drive him insane. 

“Your fingers,” Levi panted. “Erwin, come on.” 

“All of my hands are currently occupied, sweet thing,” Erwin whispered. He rubbed into Levi's ass harder. Levi gasped. His spine was tingling with the anticipation. 

“Please,” Levi groaned. Erwin raised his eyebrows at the word and smiled. 

“That was so pretty,” Erwin whispered. “I want another.” Erwin's hand started moving against Levi's cock rather than remaining stationary. Levi quivered so hard that he had to use mental energy to keep his hips up off the floor. He supported his weight more by bending his elbows, but he kept his wrists together. The shirt pulled a little more from his back, but he face was still hidden in the black fabric. 

“Fuck,” Levi cursed quietly, still thinking someone might hear them, lost in their fantasy. “Please, Erwin.” Erwin smiled down at Levi's smooth, bare back. That was certainly a proper beg. He took his hand away from Levi's cock and sat up on his knees. Levi bared his teeth against the sudden lack of sensation. He raised his ass a bit higher, trying to find Erwin's cock again. 

Sitting up on his knees, Erwin put his middle finger into his mouth and started working saliva up around it. He watched Levi's ass wiggle under him. When his finger was wet enough, he sucked on it loud enough for Levi to hear. Levi heard the sound of Erwin's mouth, and he opened his eyes and looked at the black fabric around his head. 

Levi felt a wet finger slip between his cheeks and rim his hole. With a sharp inhale, Levi began clawing at the hardwood floor under his hands, still trying to not move them like Erwin had said. And after just a bit of gentle pressing, Erwin's finger was inside of him then. 

“Fuck,” Levi breathed against the fabric of his shirt. “Oh, fuck. _Erwin_.” Levi was panting hard under his shirt then. Erwin was gently pressing into his prostate, massaging with the single, long finger. Levi tried to reach back and press against the hand. 

“Hold still,” Erwin whispered. “Don't move yet, darling.” He was enjoying the moment too much. Erwin was watching Levi's back tremble while he finger fucked him. He could only imagine how Levi allowed himself to let go under the safety of the shirt. In the darkness, Levi was always more expressive. While Erwin was tempted to look at Levi's face, he didn't want to break the scene. Erwin closed his eyes and focused on the feeling of the soft gland against the pad of his finger. Automatically, his free hand raised and he began stroking his cock. He had been aching to touch himself for a while, but he had been too involved in Levi. 

Levi heard Erwin exhale a heavy breath, and he opened his eyes. He hoped Erwin was touching himself while he watched. Just the idea made Levi's cock twitch. He could feel liquid steadily dripping from his cock.

“Erwin,” Levi breathed. Erwin didn't answer, but Levi could hear another, heavier breath that time. “Are you touching yourself?” Levi swallowed and closed his eyes. 

“Yeah,” Erwin panted. “You should too. Stroke your cock for me, Levi.” Levi's eyes rolled under his eyelids, so grateful. He pulled his right arm out of his shirt, making sure not to pull the shirt away from his face. Levi moved his right hand down towards his hips, and he found his cock. He had been aching to be touched again. He was surprised to find how slick the tip of his cock was, and when he spread the precome around his head he moaned. 

Erwin opened his eyes and watched Levi's arm moving. He put a little more pressure against Levi's prostate, and Levi's muscle clenched around his finger. 

“Ah, fuck,” Levi gasped. He groaned from behind gritted teeth, his eyebrows knitting together with pleasure. 

“Does that feel so good, darling?” Erwin asked, moving his hand faster then. 

“Yes. Hell yes, Erwin,” Levi panted into his shirt. “Don't stop.” Erwin watched at Levi's back began rising and falling faster. He swallowed and closed his eyes again, focusing on giving himself the perfect rhythm. 

Levi was clawing at the floor with his free hand, ravenously stroking with the other and knew he wouldn't last much longer with Erwin's finger prodding at him. He stopped stroking and grabbed the base of his cock to stave off the impending orgasm, but Erwin's finger didn't stop. Levi swallowed, trying to wet his dry mouth. He couldn't wait any longer. 

“Erwin,” Levi panted, returning to stroking himself. “I can't-” 

“Come for me, Levi.” Levi started stroking in earnest then, and Erwin's rhythm changed to meet the speed. When Levi came, his jaw dropped and the orgasm ripped a heavy moan from him. He felt the hot come shoot to the floor, and Erwin's finger slowed down so he wouldn't overstimulate him. Levi trembled with every wave of the release, and he couldn't hold himself up anymore. Erwin's finger slipped out of him as he fell to the floor. He felt the hot come he had spilled spread under his stomach, but he couldn't be bothered to think about how disgusting it felt. Levi rode the aftershocks of his orgasm. 

When Erwin watched Levi crumble to the floor, and he used his newly freed hand to support himself and take some of the weight off his knees. Erwin felt his breaths coming faster, and he knew he was close. 

“Erwin,” Levi murmured from under the shirt. Erwin didn't respond. He just enjoyed hearing Levi say his name. “Come on me,” Levi whispered loud enough for Erwin to hear him. Erwin closed his eyes and focused completely on the hand running over his cock. The orgasm washed over him in small, warm waves. And his breath caught when he felt liquid fall past his slit onto Levi's back. Erwin increased his speed, and covered Levi's back and ass with his come. When he felt too sensitive to touch anymore, Erwin took his hand away from his cock and leaned to his right side to roll to the floor and rest. He spread out next to Levi and laid his head against his right arm. 

They laid there together, in the floor of the closet, catching their breath and enjoying the quiet afterglow of what they had done. 

“Are you passed the fuck out?” Levi whispered softly. A smile raised the corners of Erwin's mouth. 

“Nearly,” Erwin mumbled. 

“Let's put you to bed.” Erwin opened his eyes, just barely. He tilted his head up to look towards Levi's face. Levi had pulled his shirt off. It was laying above his head on the floor. And Levi was looking down at Erwin over his shoulder. “You've been up since the ass crack of dawn, haven't you.” It wasn't a question. He knew Erwin had a long day. 

“Yeah,” Erwin mumbled. Levi lifted himself to his knees before rising to his feet. His jeans fell down the rest of the way. He couldn't hide the disgust on his face when he saw the mess they had made on the floor, and his back felt equally gross. It bothered him that, even though come felt so great during sex, he couldn't help but cringe once the moment was over. When his eyes returned to Erwin's face, he saw Erwin had already closed his eyes again. 

“Come on,” Levi said. He stepped out of his jeans and opened the closet door. Levi peaked around the closet door to see if the bedroom door was closed. It was. Erwin must have closed it before he came to the closet. Levi smiled and walked through the bedroom in nothing but his socks to the bathroom. 

Levi turned on the light, went to the sink and turned on the hot water. He took two a wash cloths from the linen rack and ran one under the water. Levi wiped off his back. He wasn't able to clean himself fully, but he felt better. Then, Levi dropped the soiled rag into the sink and ran the clean one under the hot water. After wringing it out, he expected he would have to go back to the closet to clean Erwin up. But when he turned around, Erwin was walking towards him, naked finally. Levi tossed Erwin the wet cloth, and he caught it with his left hand. Erwin walked up to the running sink and began washing his hands. 

Then, Levi took another cloth from the linen rack and opened the cabinet under the other sink. He found a container of cleaning wipes, and he took them out of the cabinet. Levi stood up straight and glanced at the sleepy Erwin, who was wiping himself off with the rag, as he walked out of the bathroom back to the closet. 

Levi knelt down in front of their mess and put the container of wipes to his right. He popped the lid and pulled a couple of them out. Meticulously, Levi wiped the floor with several wipes and followed behind them with the dry cloth. When the spot was clean, he piled up the used wipes in the dry cloth and set it on the floor. Levi picked up his discarded clothes and folded them up on the floor to wash the next day. 

Levi raised from his knees, grabbing the cloth with used wipes and container before he exited the closet. He didn't turn the light off but closed the door. When Levi turned he saw a very sleepy Erwin sitting on the edge of the bed. 

“Under the covers,” Levi said. Erwin stood from the bed and pulled the covers down. Levi went to the dark bathroom and discarded the dirty wipes, putting the container back in the cabinet. He picked up all of the used wash cloths and walked back into the bedroom. Levi balled up the washcloths and tossed them into the hamper. He returned to Erwin, who was covered up in bed. Levi pulled the covers a bit farther up Erwin's chest before leaning down, kissing the his forehead. 

“You're not coming to bed?” Erwin asked. 

“I need a shower,” Levi muttered. “Then, I'm going for another smoke, and I'll be back.” Erwin only nodded, his eyes too heavy to open. Levi stood upright and turned off Erwin's lamp. After walking around the bed to turn off his lamp, he walked through the dark room to the bathroom and closed the door behind him before turning on the light, so he wouldn't disturb Erwin. The shower was fast and functional. He didn't bother to wash his hair again. When Levi felt like he scrubbed all of the come off, he stepped out of the shower and dried off. 

After hanging up his towel again, Levi walked to the bathroom door. He turned off the bathroom light before opening the door. The light from under the closet door guided him through the room. Levi realized he couldn't open the closet door without shedding some light into the room. He stopped with his hand on the doorknob of the closet and waited a few moments. Erwin's breathing already sounded deep. Levi cautiously opened the closet door, and was glad to not hear Erwin stir. 

Levi closed the closet door behind him and pulled on his black sweat pants and a green cotton shirt. Then, Levi picked up his cigarettes and phone. When he couldn't find anything else he thought he wanted, Levi opened the closet door and reached out past the door frame. He turned the closet light out and stepped out of the closet before closing the door behind him.

Levi walked through the dark room, to his side of the bed. He was careful to shuffle his feet so he wouldn't run into furniture. After plugging his phone up to charge, Levi checked it for any messages, but he didn't have any. Levi made his way back through the dark bedroom, opened the door and stepped out. When he quietly shut the door behind him, he walked down the hallway. 

He could hear the TV was quietly playing, and when he turned the corner, he saw Moblit was stretched out on the sectional. He was in blue sleeping pants and a loose green shirt. Moblit was on his side, head propped up by a pillow, eyes closed like he was sleeping. His eyes opened when he heard Levi. 

“Hey, Captain,” he muttered. 

“You good?” Levi asked. 

“Yeah,” Moblit said before he closed his eyes again. Levi walked over to the door of the back porch and opened it. He stepped out onto the concrete, and regretted not putting his socks on again. The concrete was cold, cooled from the night air. Mike was sitting in Erwin's chair. He wasn't wearing his costume anymore. Instead, he was wearing hunter green sleeping pants, still shirtless. 

“Hey,” Levi said. He closed the door behind him and walked around to his own chair. There was enough of a chill in the air that he pulled the sleeves of his shirt down to his wrists. 

“Hey,” Mike responded. Levi sat down and relaxed in the chair, stretching his legs out. He opened his pack and pulled out a cigarette, popping the menthol capsule in the filter before lifting it to his lips and lighting it. “Can I use your lighter?” Levi handed his lighter to Mike who already had one of his own cigarettes in his mouth then. Mike struck the lighter and lit the tip. He handed the lighter back to Levi and exhaled smoke. “I should've grabbed one when I went home earlier.” Levi put his lighter back in his pack of cigarettes before he put the pack between his legs on the chair.

“It's fine. How's the dog?” 

“She's fine,” Mike said. “Had to pee like a race horse, but she'll be alright for the night now. I need to get her a dog door, but Nana says they're too drafty.” Levi grinned and dragged on his cigarette. “Erwin's asleep? Or incapacitated?” Mike laughed at his own joke. Levi's smile grew wider then. 

“Well he's been talking at brats all day, and then he comes home to cook and entertain everybody,” Levi said. “So I put him to bed.” 

“You're not tired?”

“Not yet,” Levi said, exhaling smoke. “Waiting on my medicine to work. Shower woke me up some more.”

“I needed help getting to sleep about a year after I remembered everything.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Apparently, the Iraq War can't keep me awake, but Titans can,” Mike grumbled. 

“You and Erwin went to the war too?” 

“Yeah,” Mike nodded. “We didn't have it as bad as some did though. We weren't part of the bomb squads or anything.” 

“Titans keep me awake too,” Levi said. He didn't want to talk about either war and didn't understand why Mike would even mention it. The two men fell into silence then, smoking and thinking. 

“Do you remember how you died?” Mike asked. Levi cringed, and adjusted in the chair. He dragged on his cigarette again before deciding if he wanted to answer. 

“No,” Levi said. “You?” 

“No,” Mike said. “Erwin told me that they couldn't find me. The last thing I remember is standing on some roof, waiting on my horse. Nanaba remembers more. Hange filled in most of what we couldn't remember.” 

“Hange told everyone everything?” Levi looked at Mike's face. Mike dragged on his cigarette, exhaling the smoke slowly. _“She told Erwin how he died?”_ Levi hadn't considered that, and quiet panic flooded his chest, causing his heart to race. 

“We didn't ask her all at once. I asked her about a few things privately. Nanaba did too. But Hange didn't know anything about either of us. Nanaba says the last thing she remembers is a Titan ripping her leg off at the thigh,” Mike said quietly. Levi swallowed and took another drag. He exhaled the smoke slowly. “So Hange filled in the rest for her after that I guess, if she knew anything.” Levi struggled for something to say.

 _“Erwin knows how he died,”_ Levi thought. _“He knows and he's still keeping me around. That doesn't make any sense. Hange must not have told him.”_ Levi rubbed the back of his neck before he took another drag from his cigarette. He exhaled the breath. He needed to think of way to redirect the conversation. “Her right thigh?” The right thigh was where Levi had seen Nanaba's tattoo. 

“Yeah.” The conversation died there, and both men were absorbed with their own thoughts about their partners for a while. Levi didn't want to think anymore, and he needed to say something that would distract him.

“Moblit looks like shit,” Levi said. Mike smiled and chuckled. 

“I imagine being in love with Hange would wear anyone down,” Mike said. “She owes me fifty bucks for falling apart when she saw you.” 

“She bet that she wouldn't?” Levi asked. 

“Yep,” Mike snorted. 

“She did pretty good at first, screaming and the normal thing. Lost her mind when she saw my cat ears, and then she just broke down all over me. Freakiest shit I've seen in a long time.” Mike laughed and coughed, from smoke being caught in his lungs. Levi looked at his feet then. There was a big scar on the top of his left foot, over a vein, and he rubbed at it with his big right toe. Levi dragged on his cigarette and tossed the rest into the butt can. He leaned his head back on the chair and closed his eyes to rest them. His eyelids were feeling heavier.

Mike watched Levi rub the top of his foot with his toes. When he stopped, Mike could see the track scars. They were rather obvious, raised and jagged. Maybe they were only obvious because Mike knew what they were. 

Mike dragged on his cigarette and thought about what type of desperation a man had to have to inject himself in his foot. The image of Levi hunched over his own foot, shoving a needle under his skin until he hit a vein made Mike internally cringe. Foot veins had a tendency to roll and be hard because they were so far below the heart. He also imagined they were painful, but he guessed that addicts didn't care much about pain if they knew that unimaginable pleasure was going to follow it. Mike had done his own research about intravenous drugs in case Erwin ever decided he wanted to talk about it. Of course, the Commander had been adverse to discussing Levi at all. 

Mike's relationship with Levi in the Survey Corps had been relaxed. Really, Mike only answered to Erwin, but he would take Levi's orders when the situation called for it. In their first life, Mike had never even seen Levi drunk, and imaging Levi stoned out of his mind was unsettling. With another drag, Mike looked up to Levi's exposed arms. The scars were more visible there from veins being used so frequently. Then, his eyes lifted to Levi's face. Levi's breathing was even and his eyes were closed. 

“Levi,” Mike said. There wasn't a response. “Captain!” Mike called louder. Levi jumped in his seat and sat up right. His eyelids were heavy.

“What?” he snapped. 

“Go to bed,” Mike said. Levi reached up and dragged a hand down his face while he turned in the chair to stand up. When his feet hit the cold concrete, that woke him up enough to walk. Levi shuffled into the house and closed the door behind him. Mike tossed his cigarette butt in the can. 

After a few minutes, the back door opened again and closed. Moblit walked around to Levi's chair. He had a joint in his hand.

“I doubt he's coming back,” Moblit said. “He did a few whiskey shots in the kitchen before he walked back to the bedroom.” 

“He's having trouble sleeping," Mike said. "Maybe the liquor helps.” 

“We should've offered to let him smoke with us.” Moblit pulled his lighter out of his pocket and put the joint between his lips. 

“I don't think so,” Mike said. 

“You asked the Commander if it was alright?” Moblit asked, the joint wiggling up and down with the movement of his lips.

“He said as long as Levi didn't see it,” Mike responded. “And we can't leave the roach in the butt can.” Moblit struck the lighter and puffed on the pot cigarette until it was lit. He inhaled, held the breath and passed to Mike. Moblit sat down and tried not to disturb the Captain's pack of cigarettes. He had to spread his legs to make sure he didn't touch it. Moblit exhaled, coughing. 

“He's a recovering heroin addict,” Moblit said, voice strained from the cough. “Pot wouldn't even get him buzzed.” He looked to Mike, who was turning red from holding his breath. Mike passed to Moblit, and then he shrugged. He exhaled, coughing enough that he had to lean over in the chair. Moblit grinned at Mike choking and took another drag. Mike sniffed and wiped his nose. 

“That's a lot stronger than what you had last time,” Mike said. Moblit exhaled, choosing not to hold his breath that time.

“I know,” Moblit replied. “I still had nightmares with the other stuff.” 

“I slept well with the other stuff. But if this works better for you, I'll pay you for some of your stash,” Mike said. Moblit nodded. “Anyway, it probably doesn't matter to Levi, but it does to Erwin. If you decide you want to tell him he's wrong for worrying, let me know. I live for the days I get to see Erwin verbally rip a new asshole,” Mike said, laughing. 

“No, thank you,” Moblit said before he took another drag and passed to Mike.

Levi quietly opened and closed the bedroom door. He shuffled across the dark bedroom and found the edge of the bed first. Then, in the dark, Levi tried his best to move to the bathroom door. He found the wall first, and felt his way along it until he felt the door fame. He stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind him before he turned on the light. Levi went to the toilet and pissed. His eyelids were fluttering, heavy with sleep. Part of him didn't want to sleep in bed with Erwin. He felt like he didn't deserve it. And the whiskey shots he had done in the kitchen had been a mistake. But when Mike woke him up by calling him Captain, it had startled Levi. He thought he was back in their first life, and he woke up as a junkie instead. Levi shook his cock before tucking it back into his pants and flushed the toilet. He left the bathroom and wasn't even aware enough to remember to wash his hands. 

Levi opened the bathroom door and remembered to turn off the light a little too late. The light disturbed Erwin a bit, and he surfaced to consciousness enough to realize that Levi was about to come to bed. He heard Levi step towards the bed in the dark, and Erwin waited. The footsteps stopped on Erwin's side of the bed. Erwin opened his eyes in the dark and couldn't see Levi in front of him, but he knew that he was there. Groggily, Erwin reached out and his fingertips made contact with Levi's thigh. Levi pulled back, startled by the touch. 

_"Erwin. You can't ever know what I did to you,"_ Levi thought. Erwin reached out farther, and his fingertips brushed against Levi's sweatpants again. Levi wanted to pulled away farther, but after a moment, Levi stepped forward again. Erwin put his palm flat against Levi's thigh. 

“Come to bed,” Erwin whispered. Rather than walking around to his side of the bed, Levi crawled into bed on Erwin's side and had to climb over Erwin to get to his side of the bed. Erwin smiled and laid still while Levi settled. He rolled over to face Levi, but Levi didn't crawl under the covers. 

“I'm going to sleep in my chair,” Levi whispered. The words woke Erwin up a bit more. 

“Lay with me a while,” Erwin muttered. After a pause, Levi began wiggling under the covers. When he was settled under the blankets, Erwin reached down and helped Levi pull his shirt off. Then, Levi pulled his sweatpants off and pushed them out of the bed with his foot. Erwin pulled Levi to him and kissed him. He smelled alcohol on Levi's breath. To explore further, Erwin deepened the kiss and put his tongue in Levi's mouth. Levi pulled away. _“He's been drinking more.”_ Erwin's hands ran over Levi's skin in the dark and they worked their way up to his neck. He discreetly felt of Levi's pulse which was strong, even a bit fast. Erwin's hands moved up farther and framed Levi's face. Levi leaned into one of the hands. 

“Your hands,” Levi muttered groggily. Erwin smiled and kept one hand against Levi's face while the other moved back down to his neck to feel of his pulse. It seemed the alcohol wasn't affecting Levi's system as much as Erwin had worried it might. But he seemed a little tipsy.

“Do you like them?” Erwin asked, continuing the affection. 

“Yeah,” Levi whispered. Erwin found Levi's lips again and kissed him several times. 

“Rest for a while,” Erwin muttered. “You can go to your chair soon.” He felt Levi relax under his hands, and Erwin explored Levi's skin until he heard Levi's breath even out. One more time, Erwin checked Levi's pulse and found it to be strong, seemingly unaffected. Erwin leaned down in the dark and put a kiss on Levi's forehead. Only then did he relax and fall asleep again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long ass chapter! I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> I'm grateful that I have a friend like Sithiere to beta read for me! It's hard to find all of the errors in a chunk of 13,000 words. 
> 
> Thank you for your continued support! All of the hits, comments, kudos, subscriptions, bookmarks and recommendations make all of this work worthwhile. Please, feel free to communicate with me on Tumblr or through comments. It's always interesting to hear your thoughts when a new chapter is revealed. 
> 
>  
> 
> [My Tumblr](http://valisi-clark.tumblr.com/)


	15. November 1, 2014

Levi felt himself slowly rising to consciousness. His skin was cold, and he realized that he didn't have any blankets on him. He opened his eyes enough in the dim room to see the blankets were piled up in front of him where he had thrown them off. Erwin was still in bed, facing the other way again. Levi's toes were feeling stiff on his left foot. He stretched out his left leg and wiggled his toes.

A sudden and intense pain caught in Levi's left calf. The muscle knotted up and cramped.

“Shit!” Levi spat. He rolled over in the bed and reached down to his calf holding it. “Fuck! Let go!” Levi groaned against the pain. The muscle was cramping so hard, so painfully, that Levi was gritting his teeth and had doubled over into the fetal position. He felt Erwin's hands on his leg then.

“Stretch out,” Erwin muttered. Erwin's hands massaged the muscle while Levi was panting in pain. Levi let Erwin take control of the leg. When it was stretched out, Erwin massaged the muscle in a downward motion. “Lift your toes up.” Levi did as Erwin said, straining to extend and lift his toes. The cramp finally released. Levi gasped when the muscle relaxed, and he ran a hand over his face. No matter how many times it happened, the cramps always surprised him by how absolutely painful they were.

Erwin stood from the bed and went to the closet to put on his sweatpants. When he came back out of the closet, he looked over at Levi, who was still laying in bed, curled up in discomfort.

“Stay put, Levi,” Erwin ordered. He walked out of the bedroom and down the hallway to the kitchen. When he turned the corner, he saw everyone else was already gathered in the kitchen around the coffee pot, still in pajamas. Hange was leaning against the island across from Moblit who was leaning against the counter. Nanaba was groggily leaning against Mike's chest, wrapped in his arms. Mike nodded to Erwin before taking another swallow of coffee from his mug.

“Good morning,” Hange said cheerfully.

“Good morning,” Erwin muttered.

Erwin went to the refrigerator and opened one of the doors. He reached in and grabbed a small bottle of red Gatorade. When he turned back around, shutting the door, he saw Moblit was nearest to Levi's bananas.

“Toss me one of those bananas please, Moblit,” Erwin said, pointing to them. Moblit lifted his eyebrows and turned. He saw the bunch and broke one off. He lobbed it through the air, and Erwin caught it with his right hand. “Thank you.” Erwin turned to walk back down the hallway.

“Everything okay?” Hange asked.

“Yes,” Erwin said without turning to look at her.

When Erwin opened the door to the bedroom, he saw Levi was still doubled over in bed. He was rubbing his sore calf with both hands. Erwin closed the door behind him and crossed the room to Levi's side of the bed. He sat on the edge of the bed and put the banana on Levi's nightstand. With a quick twist, Erwin broke the seal of the Gatorade. He twisted the cap back on tightly so it wouldn't spill while he was waiting.

“I'm guessing neither of us drank enough water to keep up with the alcohol,” Erwin whispered, his own head hurting. Levi didn't respond. His features were still stressed. “Can you sit up and drink for me?” Levi took his hands away from his leg and lifted his head. Erwin took Levi's pillow and put it against the headboard. Levi supported himself with his hands and right leg, dragging his left leg along with him while he sat up. When he was sitting up, he rested his back against the pillow.

Erwin opened the Gatorade and handed it to Levi who opened his eyes finally. Taking the Gatorade, he tipped it back and took a big swallow. He grimaced and smacked his lips because the liquid was so cold, and his mouth felt hot and dry.

Erwin pulled the covers up on the bed and covered Levi's bare lap to keep him warm. Levi forced himself to take a sip of the drink. Erwin rubbed his sleepy eyes and yawned, covering his mouth. When he opened his eyes again, his gaze fell on Levi's medicine bottles on the nightstand.

“What do you take in the morning?” Erwin asked.

“Just the methadone,” Levi whispered. Erwin had to pick up a few of the bottles and pretend that he didn't know which bottle had the methadone. He picked up the methadone bottle finally. Then, he read the directions as if he hadn't done it the night before. He twisted the medicine bottle open, and Levi held his hand out. Erwin shook the bottle until a pill fell into Levi's palm. There weren't many left in the bottle. Levi needed a refill soon. Erwin capped the bottle and put it back on the nightstand. Levi tilted his head back, dropping the pill into his mouth and swallowed it with some Gatorade. Levi held the Gatorade bottle out to Erwin, who took it and drank some. When he had a few sips, he handed the bottle back to Levi.

“Do you want me to massage your leg?”

“It's too tender right now,” Levi muttered. He drank some more of the Gatorade and offered the last few swallows to Erwin. Erwin took the bottle and finished it off. He capped the empty bottle and put it on the nightstand. “I have to piss.” Erwin stood from the side of the bed and pulled the covers back for Levi.

Gently, Levi moved across the bed and let his legs hang off the edge for a while. He reached up and pushed at his messy hair. Levi put his right foot on the floor and put his weight on it when he stood. When he had both feet flat on the floor, he could feel the tension in his left calf. He limped when he took a step forward. It looked like Levi was still able to walk alright, so Erwin leaned down and pulled his sweatpants off, tossing them on the bed, before he walked towards the bathroom.

When Erwin opened the bathroom door, he turned on the light and walked over to the shower. He opened the glass door and reached inside to turn on the hot water. After the shower was running, Erwin went to one of the sinks and began brushing his teeth.

Eventually, Levi made his way into the bathroom and went into the toilet room. He didn't bother to shut the door before he lifted the toilet seat and relieved his bladder. After he flushed, he turned around and went to the shower.

Erwin finished brushing his teeth and wiped his mouth on one of the bathroom towels. He opened the cabinet drawer where he kept medication and pulled out the bottle of ibuprofen. Popping the cap off, Erwin poured four of the caplets into his hand before putting them in his mouth. He capped the bottle and swallowed the pills dry. Erwin put the bottle back and closed the drawer before he turned to go to the toilet. When he flushed, he turned around and saw Levi was standing in the shower with the door open. Erwin caught the drift and joined Levi in the shower, closing the glass door behind him. The two separate shower heads made it easy for them to shower together. Their height difference helped them to not get in the way of each other's water stream too much. Once they were soaked, Erwin picked up the shampoo bottle and handed it to Levi after he had poured some in his hand. They both lathered their hair, scrubbing their scalps. Erwin kept his eyes open and watched Levi sleepily lather up the shampoo in his black hair. Levi dipped his head back under the water stream, and Erwin followed his example. After rinsing his hair out, Erwin leaned back and wiped the water away from his eyes. He watched Levi for a moment because he wasn't moving, as if he had fallen asleep standing up. But then, Levi opened his eyes and looked around.

Levi picked up the soap and rubbed it together in his hands before holding it out for Erwin. Erwin held out his open palm, and Levi put the soap in his hand. Levi put his hands against his face and began lathering. They washed their faces next. While Levi washed his face, he felt the stubble on his chin and cheeks. Once he washed the soap off, he looked around the shower for his razor. He released a heavy breath when he didn't see it.

“What is it?” Erwin asked.

“I forgot my razor,” Levi said.

“Use mine,” Erwin offered. Levi took Erwin's razor from the holder that was secured into the wall and picked up the shaving cream can. He lathered his face up and began shaving with his eyes closed, avoiding the water so it wouldn't wash away the cream. Erwin took the shaving cream out of Levi's hand and lathered his own face before putting the can back down. It didn't take long for Levi to run the razor over his face. He shook the cream out of the razor between strokes. When he was finished, he rubbed his thumb in the direction of the blades to clear the hair out before he handed the razor to Erwin.

“Do you ever use a straight razor to shave anymore?” Levi asked. Erwin was dragging the razor up against his neck. After the stroke, he shook the cream out of the razor and ran it under the water.

“Sometimes when I go to the barber shop, I'll ask for a shave,” Erwin said.

“You go to a barber for a haircut?” Erwin nodded after shaving another part of his face. “I can do it from now on, if you want.” Levi grabbed the soap and started lathering it on a cloth to wash his body. Erwin's lips lifted in a smile.

“I don't have any clippers or scissors,” Erwin said. Levi didn't say anything else until Erwin finished shaving. When Erwin washed the remains of the cream off his face, making sure to wash behind his ears, he rubbed the water out of his eyes. Levi was looking up at him with groggy gray eyes.

“I could bring mine over,” Levi offered quietly. Erwin felt his face soften, and one corner of Levi's mouth tilted up.

“I'd like that,” Erwin said. Levi went back to bathing his torso. “If it hurts too much to stand while you're washing your legs, I can wash them for you,” Erwin offered.

“I'm alright,” Levi said. He bent over and started washing his calves. Erwin admired the curves of Levi's body a moment before he remembered what he was supposed to be doing.

After soaping up using his hands instead of a cloth, Erwin began rinsing off. He pushed the soap off his skin and was starting to feel more awake. Once he was rinsed off, he ran his face under the stream of water one more time and wet his hair again.

Erwin watched Levi's hands move over his pale skin. Again, he found himself marveling at Levi's back which was smooth, not covered in scars like it had been during the Titan War. Erwin stepped towards Levi. His hands lifted and rested against Levi's ribs. He pressed kisses against Levi's shoulder. Levi stayed still in Erwin's hands while he enjoyed the feeling of Erwin's mouth on him. Erwin lifted his mouth close to Levi's ear.

“Good morning, darling,” Erwin muttered, water dripping from his lips. “I love waking up next to you, Levi.” Levi smiled and huffed a laugh.

“Even when I wake you up cursing,” Levi said.

“Even then,” Erwin said. He put his mouth against Levi's neck, and opened his mouth to tongue the wet, tender skin.

“Erwin,” Levi said. Erwin closed his mouth and lifted his lips from Levi's skin.

“Yes.”

“I want to be here.” Erwin tried to open his eyes, but there was too much water running over his eyelids for him to see clearly. He let Levi go, and he stepped back, wiping the water from his eyes. When he opened his eyes again, Levi was facing him, looking up with gray eyes that were searching for something.

“I want you here,” Erwin said. Levi's eyes were still looking for something, and Erwin didn't understand. He framed Levi's face with his hands and leaned down. Their lips met, and Erwin parted his mouth on Levi's bottom lip. Levi's tongue pressed past Erwin's lips and opened them up. He reached up and put his hands on Erwin's forearms, clenching the muscles. Their tongues moved against each other with panting breaths. Levi liked the taste of Erwin's mouth, still fresh after brushing his teeth. That's when Levi realized he hadn't brushed his teeth yet, and he hoped the Gatorade covered up some of his morning breath. Erwin didn't seem to mind.

When they broke the kiss, Erwin opened his eyes and saw Levi was smiling. Levi pulled away from Erwin and turned around to turn off the water. Once the water stopped, Levi started brushing at his skin to push off the excess water.

Both men stepped out of the shower, Levi still limping a bit, and dried off with their respective towels.

“Does it hurt to stand or just walk?” Erwin asked.

“Just walk,” Levi said. “It doesn't even hurt. It's just tender.”

When Levi was dry, he tossed his towel over the towel rack and limped to the sink to brush his teeth.

“I could carry you and we could call it strength training,” Erwin offered.

Levi glared at Erwin, toothbrush hanging out of his mouth, but there was a humorous light in his eyes. Erwin chuckled and walked past Levi to get dressed.

Erwin went to the bed pulled on his gray sweatpants. He looked towards the bathroom door, and saw Levi leaning against the door frame.

“Want me to toss you some clothes?” Erwin asked. Levi nodded. “What do you want?”

“Just sweatpants and a shirt,” Levi said. Erwin went back to the closet. He pulled on a blue cotton shirt and found Levi's sweatpants. Then, Erwin turned and took down one of his white undershirts for Levi. He stepped out of closet went back to Levi. Levi held onto Erwin's arm while he slipped into his black sweatpants, carefully lifting one foot at the time. Then, he stood up straight and put on the white shirt Erwin handed him. Levi knew that he didn't pack a white shirt, but he didn't mention it. He liked the loose fit.

Erwin turned and began walking out of the room a little slower than he usually would so Levi could keep up. They walked down the hallway together and smelled breakfast cooking.

When they rounded the corner, Mike and Moblit were standing at the stove, cooking bacon, scrambled eggs and pancakes. The kitchen had been tidied up and cleaned from the night before. Levi looked around at the kitchen and decided that they had done a pretty good job of cleaning up. Nothing was out of place from the night before. All of the liquor that hadn't been drank was lined up together in a corner on the counter.

Erwin went to the island bar and sat down on one of the stools. Without looking, he reached over and pulled the other stool out for Levi.

“Where are Hange and Nanaba?” Erwin asked.

“They went to go check on Blitz,” Mike said. Levi carefully lifted himself up onto the stool and settled.

“Who?” he asked.

“The dog,” Mike responded. Levi nodded and yawned. He covered his mouth with one hand and leaned over the counter.

“Tea, Captain?” Moblit offered.

“Water,” Levi said. He felt strange about asking Moblit to get him a drink. And Moblit had called him Captain again.

“Commander?”

“Water please,” Erwin said, pointing to one of the kitchen cabinets. Moblit moved away from the pancakes, after putting the spatula down, and went to the cabinet with the glasses. He opened the cabinet, pulled out two glasses and filled them with ice and water from the dispensers in the refrigerator door. Moblit put a glass of water in front of both men at the bar.

Moblit went back to the pancakes. Levi was sipping on his water, watching Mike and Moblit cook. He felt his eyelids getting heavier the longer he sat at the bar.

“Did you two stay up late?” Erwin asked. Mike and Moblit both caught the underlying question.

“Yep,” Mike said. “I slept well though.” Moblit nodded. Erwin took another swallow of water.

The front door opened, and Hange and Nanaba walked back into the house. When they rounded the corner from the foyer, Hange began putting bagels and assorted cream cheeses on the counter. Nanaba followed her and put down a basket of fruit. Levi looked around at what was happening.

“Good morning, Levi,” Hange smiled at him.

“Morning,” Levi grunted before taking another drink of water. Nanaba smiled at Levi, and he winked at her after he swallowed his water. She moved to Mike and patted his back. Mike leaned over and kissed Nanaba on her forehead before turning his attention back to the bacon.

“Almost done,” Mike said. “ Estimate, Moblit?”

“Ten more minutes,” Moblit said. Nanaba and Hange went to certain cabinets in the kitchen and began pulling out plates and silverware. When Hange and Nanaba passed by to go to the dining room and set the table, Levi couldn't take it anymore. He leaned over to Erwin.

“What's happening?” Levi whispered.

“We hosted,” Erwin said. “We get to take the morning off.” Erwin stood from his stool once Levi leaned away. He grabbed his water glass, and then he picked up Levi's as well. Carefully, Levi climbed down from the stool, making sure to put his good leg down first. His left leg was feeling better, but it was still tender. When he began limping towards the dining room, Hange walked back into the kitchen.

“What happened, Levi?” she asked, obviously concerned.

“Cramp,” Levi grunted.

“Dehydrated?” Hange asked. Erwin's actions from earlier in the morning were making more sense to her then.

“Yep,” Levi said before he limped past her. Erwin pushed the chair out that he wanted Levi to sit in with his foot. Levi limped over to the chair on Erwin's left and sat down. His water was already on the table next to his empty plate.

A few minutes later, the four veterans began filing into the dining room with food on assorted serving plates. They set the table so everything would be easily in reach. Hange and Nanaba even put all of the sweet things they could find in the refrigerator out on the table for the pancakes. When all of the food was served, they all sat down at the table. Nanaba sat to Erwin's right, and Mike sat beside her. Hange sat between Levi and Moblit.

When everyone stopped moving, Erwin looked around the table with a smile.

“Thank you,” Erwin said. No one responded, but Erwin picked up the plate of pancakes and began serving his plate. The rest of the veterans began serving their plates, but Levi stayed still. He watched as they all began moving as if they did this regularly. His train of thought was interrupted when Erwin handed him the plate of pancakes. Levi took it and put two on his plate.

 _“I could have been doing this the entire time,”_ Levi thought. _“I could have been part of this.”_

“Can I pass you something, Levi?” Hange asked.

“Everything sweet,” Levi said. Hange giggled before grabbing the syrup and whipped cream. She passed Levi anything he asked for. When his plate was finished, his pancakes were decorated with everything sweet on the table, and he had a slice of bacon and a spoonful of eggs on his plate.

Erwin looked around the table at all of his favorite faces, and began eating. He nodded.

“This is good,” Erwin said. “You know what it's missing?” Everyone looked up at him, stopping whatever they were doing.

“What?” Hange asked.

“Potato,” Erwin said.

“Oh, fuck you,” Levi snapped. Hange burst out into laughter, and Mike threw a grape at her. It bounced off her chin.

“Mike!” she protested.

“I missed,” Mike grumbled. Nanaba elbowed him. “What?” he asked her.

“Don't start that,” Nanaba furrowed her brows at him.

“Haha! You tell him Nana!” Hange teased. Moblit shoved a strawberry in Hange's mouth. Hange began chewing, glaring at Moblit.

“Close your mouth when you chew,” Moblit said with a smile. Levi cringed and looked over at Erwin who was having trouble chewing the food in his mouth because he wanted to laugh.

 _“I could have had this the entire time,”_ Levi thought. _“But I could have fucked it up too.”_ Levi focused on his food then, quiet while everyone else was laughing at one thing or another. He was able to finish his entire plate. But he was eating slowly, resting his eyes between bites.

“Something else?” Erwin asked Levi when he saw Levi was finished. Levi shook his head. Erwin stood from the table and grabbed Levi's water glass. “Want some coffee?” Levi realized he had closed his eyes again and he opened them to look up at Erwin. Levi shook his head. He pushed his chair back from the table and stood. “I'll come wake you up in a little while,” Erwin said, understanding what was happening. Levi nodded and began walking, still limping a little, out of the dining room to go back to bed.

Erwin smiled and followed Levi out of the dining room to go to the kitchen. When Levi turned to go back down the hallway, Erwin saw that Levi yawned again. Levi turned the corner, and Erwin went to the sink to put Levi's glass away. He refilled his glass and went back to the dining room, which was now quiet.

He sat down and looked around the table. Mike was still eating, but everyone else was looking at Erwin. Erwin looked between the three faces and understood they were waiting for an explanation.

“Alcohol and methadone,” Erwin said. “They're both depressants.” Hange leaned back in her seat.

“Oh, yeah,” she said. “I completely forgot. He didn't drink much though.” Erwin smiled.

“I know that it's easy to forget that he's still taking it. He's doing really well,” Erwin said. “He didn't drink very much because he knows his body will process it slower.” Moblit looked across the table at Mike, who was looking back at Moblit. They had a silent exchange about whether they should tell Erwin about the extra liquor Levi had drank before bed. When Mike looked back down at his plate, Moblit took that to mean they wouldn't mention it. He looked down at his own plate and moved some food around with his fork.

“He barely slept back then though,” Nanaba mentioned. Erwin turned his head and smiled at her.

“He's probably just catching up on all of those missed hours this time around,” Erwin offered.

“Well the dark circles under his eyes have improved, that's for sure,” Nanaba said. Erwin smiled. “Did he look like himself when you first saw him? The nose ring is really throwing me off.”

“He had the nose ring when I saw him the first night,” Erwin said. He began eating again, ignoring the other part of Nanaba's question. Nanaba realized that Erwin was avoiding her original point, and she let the subject go. She made a mental note to ask for Mike's opinion later, but she guessed that he would be just as vague unless she bribed him. Erwin glanced over at Moblit, who looked tired or thoughtful. His curiosity piqued. “How's the new job, Moblit?” Erwin asked. Everyone at the table, except Mike, looked to Moblit with expectant faces.

“The Captain drank a lot more liquor after you went to bed last night, Commander!” Moblit blurted loudly.

“Damn it, Moblit! We had an agreement,” Mike snapped. Nanaba raised her eyebrows at Mike.

“No, we didn't! You just looked at me!” Moblit insisted.

“That should have been enough,” Mike said.

“You two let him have too much alcohol?” Hange asked.

“He's a grown ass man, Hange, he can make his own decisions. We agreed not to tell Erwin that Levi was drinking behind his back last night,” Mike said. Erwin chuckled. All of the veterans looked to him.

“You thought I didn't know he had drank more before he came to bed?” Erwin asked, glancing between Mike and Moblit with a grin. His gaze settled on Mike.

“We didn't know,” Mike said.

“So, you just assumed,” Erwin provided. Erwin met Mike's eyes, and they maintained a tense moment of eye contact before it ended simultaneously. Erwin looked back over to Moblit. “As always, I appreciate your honesty, Moblit, and I understand your anxiety. I know this has been an emotional weekend for all of you.” Hange let out a heavy breath, and Erwin smiled. “But I can assure you all that Levi is doing much better.”

“You mean that we can get used to him being around,” Nanaba said. Erwin looked at her, appreciation showing on his face.

“Absolutely,” Erwin said. 

“If he disappears again, we're renting a van this time,” Hange said.

“You can put your van rental money towards your Black Friday shopping money this year, Hange,” Erwin said. He began eating his meal again. 

“Speaking of Black Friday! My mom says that she isn't going to go with me this year,” Hange said. She immediately looked at Moblit. “I was wondering if anyone would be willing to go with me.” Moblit put a bite of pancake in his mouth before he felt Hange's eyes on him. He looked up from his plate, fork still in his mouth, and his eyes met Hange's.

“No, thank you,” Nanaba said. “That's too much stress for me.”

“Erwin,” Hange said, without looking away from Moblit.

“I already have plans,” Erwin said. Moblit pulled the fork out of his mouth and chewed. After he swallowed, he opened his mouth to say something.

“I'm busy,” Mike said. Hange smiled at Moblit. Moblit closed his mouth, thinking about what he wanted to say. He opened his mouth again.

“I'm also busy,” Moblit said.

“I checked your work calendar,” Hange said.

“I might ask for extra hours,” Moblit said.

“I'll take you to Panera Bread,” Hange offered. Moblit narrowed his eyes at her.

“I want Panera Bread, and I want to negotiate the mission plan one week prior to execution,” Moblit said.

“Negotiate?” Hange asked. “No, I don't think so. I'll give you the mission plan, and you can add up to two bathroom breaks to the schedule.” Moblit dropped his fork to his plate. He rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Don't let her push you around, Moblit. She needs you more than you need her,” Erwin said. Hange shot the Commander a look. Erwin only shrugged. Moblit was terrible at negotiations, and Hange knew it. Erwin wanted to see the playing field be a little more even to make it more interesting.

“I'll go,” Moblit groaned. Hange swiveled her head back in Moblit's direction with a wide grin.

“You're so good to me,” Hange said. Moblit's lips spread into a thin line, and he tried not to let the heat in his neck rise to his cheeks. Erwin shook his head, cutting a piece of pancake with the side of his fork.

“You need practice, Moblit,” Erwin said, taking a bite of pancake.

“I know, sir,” Moblit said quietly while he continued to eat. The table went quiet while everyone focused on their breakfast then. Occasionally, Mike would raise his eyes and glance over at Erwin, who hadn't looked at him since their fierce eye contact. Nanaba noticed Mike's glances, and she looked between the two men a few times wondering how long they would clash this time. Hange gasped.

“Moblit! Eat faster! We DVRed The Rocky Horror Picture Show!” Hange said. She began to finish the little bit on her plate ravenously.

“Halloween is over,” Moblit said. Hange shook her head, chewing. “Can't we just sing The Time Warp and call it done?” Hange glared at him, swallowing.

“Well that would make the ritual incomplete, wouldn't it,” Hange said. She pushed back in her chair and stood from the table. Grabbing her plate, she hurried out of the dining room and went to the kitchen to start cleaning up.

“Does she make you wear the costume?” Mike asked.

“SHH!” Moblit spat. He held up his hand and looked into the kitchen. Hange was furiously scrubbing a pan. Moblit looked back at Mike. “I will pay you the fifty dollars of Hange's bet if you will shut up right now.”

“Put it towards my balance,” Mike said. Moblit pushed back in his chair and stood. He grabbed his empty plate and went to the kitchen to help Hange clean up.

“Your balance?” Nanaba asked. Mike smiled at her.

“We smoked last night,” Mike said. Nanaba nodded and continued eating.

“Did it work better?” Nanaba asked.

“Definitely,” Mike replied.

“Good,” Nanaba smiled at him. “I'm glad.” Mike smirked at her. Nanaba pushed back in her chair and stood. She stacked Mike's empty plate on top of her own. Then, she looked to Erwin and saw there was still food on his plate, but he wasn't eating any more. “Are you finished?” she asked, reaching out for his plate.

“Yes, but I'll get it,” Erwin said.

“You two go out for a smoke,” Nanaba said. She took Erwin's plate, stacking it on top of the other two and lifted all three of the plates to walk out of the dining room. Nanaba walked behind Mike's chair, and around it to go to the kitchen. Mike and Erwin looked at each other. Erwin was the first to push his chair back and stand. He pushed his chair in and walked through the dining room. Mike followed.

Erwin glanced at the kitchen being cleaned while he walked past it towards the back of the house. He opened the back door and stepped out onto the porch. Mike followed him out and closed the door behind him. Erwin went to the lounge that Levi typically used, and picked up the pack of cigarettes that Levi had left out. He opened it and put a cigarette in his mouth, lighting it with Levi's lighter. Mike picked up the pack of cigarettes that Erwin had bought and took one out, not willing to smoke Levi's brand. Of course, there was no lighter. Mike walked over to Erwin, and Erwin struck the lighter for him. Mike leaned down into the flame until the tip was lit. He exhaled smoke.

Erwin took the cigarette out of his mouth and popped the menthol capsule. He inhaled again, liking the flavor better, and exhaled. For a brief moment, Erwin looked at the cigarette, curious about what was in the capsule.

 _“I wonder if these are worse for your health,”_ Erwin wondered. _“What's in the capsule that changes the flavor? I should look that up. Where's my phone? It's in the bedroom. I hope it's on silent mode. I don't want it to wake up Levi if it rings.”_

“I think that my wife thinks that we should talk,” Mike said. Erwin looked up from the cigarette. He remembered to drag while he made eye contact with Mike. Mike maintained the eye contact while he exhaled smoke. “You've always been more forgiving than I have.”

“I know,” Erwin said. “If Nanaba asks, we talked.”

“What do I tell her we talked about?” Mike asked. Erwin shrugged.

“Whatever you like,” Erwin said.

“Do you care that I don't completely trust him?” Mike asked.

“No,” Erwin said. “I never have.”

“Do you want to know why?”

“I already do.” Mike dragged on his cigarette. Erwin flicked his cigarette with his thumb a few times. He liked the feeling of it. He understood why Levi did it during tense situations. Mike reached up and rubbed his mustache briskly. Erwin tilted his head, never realizing until that moment that it was a tell of discomfort. He wondered how many times he had seen Mike do that without realizing it.

“I don't understand,” Mike said.

“Yes, you do.”

“I don't understand it for you,” Mike said. “You want things a certain way, Erwin.” Erwin nodded. He resented that Mike seemed to be calling Levi a thing, but he decided not to correct it. It was a simple misuse of words. Mike did it often. “He's better, but he's not fixed.”

“He doesn't have to be fixed,” Erwin said. That was a misuse of words he wasn't willing to allow. “He was the outsider in our first life too, and you eventually warmed up to him.”

“He was different because of where he was raised. He couldn't help that, but he could have chosen to not start a heroin addiction,” Mike said.

“You don't have all of the information,” Erwin said. “You don't have to trust him, but you can trust my decisions.” Mike shook his head and took another drag on his cigarette. Erwin dragged too, watching Mike's face. Mike wasn't as expressive as most people, but Erwin had a lot of practice. First, he saw a flash of irritation followed closely by a touch of worry. That was Mike's main problem with emotional attachments. He had trouble knowing when he should intervene. Erwin could see that Mike was trying to decide exactly how harsh he should be with the truth. But Erwin didn't want to hear any of it. “How likely is it that I'll find another soul mate this time, Mike?”

“Very,” Mike said. “We have a population of seven billion people on this planet, Erwin. You have a lot more options than you did the first time. Soul mates are bullshit. It's a matter of compatibility.”

“So you would be alright with me introducing someone else to you,” Erwin said. “Which name should I use? Max or Mike? Should I tell them that you and I have lived an entire life together before this one? Can you explain to me how another partner is going to tolerate me constantly analyzing everything from the way they walk to the way they drink their coffee? What's going to happen when Moblit calls me Commander in front of this new person, and I have to tell the truth that Moblit was never in the military with me? I wasn't a Commander in this life, far from it.” Mike watched Erwin's eyes. He tried to interpret Erwin's facial expressions, but they hardly changed. There was only a slight lift of one of his eyebrows and a twitch of his lips. When Erwin dragged on his cigarette again, Mike looked away.

“I know it would be difficult, but you wouldn't have to constantly worry about someone else abandoning you,” Mike said.

“I disagree,” Erwin said. Mike's eyes raised to the ceiling of the porch. “I don't worry about him leaving. But I would worry about a new partner finding out about everything and subsequently leaving me for being delusional and having a collection of friends who all had a shared psychosis disorder.”

“Alright,” Mike snapped, his eyes darting back down to Erwin's. “I get it.”

“I'll believe it when I see it,” Erwin said. The intensity of Erwin's gaze was too hot for Mike, and he couldn't hold the look. Mike's eyes darted away again. He dragged on his cigarette and tried to think of a way to smooth things over. The frustration in his head was clouding his train of thought.

When he walked out onto the porch, he had a million things he wanted to say, and Erwin had already thwarted all of them without even hearing the words. And he knew Erwin was right. There weren't many people who could stand to be around someone who seemed to be right all of the time. Mike remembered how long Erwin had spent on pursuing Felicia, coming on strong, stringing her along, pushing her away and pulling her right back to him. The first three months of their relationship had been insane, and suddenly, everything calmed down. Mike thought that might be his final way he could explain his concern.

“What about Felicia?” Mike asked. He looked back to Erwin. Erwin dragged on his cigarette and narrowed his eyelids a bit. “You changed a bit after you remembered, but not nearly as much as any of the rest of us. You were the same, and she loved you.” Erwin nodded, exhaling smoke. “You loved her.”

“I did,” Erwin said.

“You could do that again,” Mike suggested. Erwin ashed his cigarette and shook his head.

“I'm not willing.” Erwin thought back to everything he had to do with Felicia just to get her to the point that she would trust him. It had been too much work. Felicia could always imagine something to be suspicious about, but she made Erwin feel wanted. And that had been rather rare for him back then. When Levi left, his ego had taken a serious blow, but he quickly recovered. The strong intuition that had always led him in the right direction told him to wait, be patient. Levi would come home, and he did. Erwin knew that Levi would do his best. With enough support, Levi could do anything.

Mike took a final drag on his cigarette and tossed it in the butt can. He turned and walked back into the house, closing the door behind him. Erwin looked at the cigarette in his hand and took a drag on it. There wasn't much left to smoke at that point. He tossed it in the can and walked back into the house.

When Erwin stepped into the house, he saw Nanaba standing in the living room, smiling up at Mike. The overnight bag they had brought with them was sitting next to Nanaba's feet.

“Better?” Nanaba asked. Erwin smiled at her and walked over to the two of them.

“Better,” Erwin said. “Did Hange and Moblit already leave?” Nanaba smiled and nodded. 

“I told them they should wait and say goodbye, but Hange was in a rush,” Nanaba said. 

“I'm sure she'll text me,” Erwin said. Nanaba shrugged. She lifted her arms, and Erwin leaned down. They hugged and Nanaba kissed him on the cheek when they parted. Erwin still hadn't completely adjusted to Nanaba being so affectionate, but it felt good too. He wished Nanaba could explain to Mike how to be more supportive. Erwin stood up straight.

“We're going to go and let you get some rest,” Nanaba said. Erwin nodded. He turned to Mike, and he offered his hand for a handshake. Mike took Erwin's hand and pulled him in for a hug. Of course, Mike had to add a few rough pats to Erwin's back. Erwin returned the gesture and they parted.

“Thanks for having us over,” Mike said as he bent over and grabbed the bag. He turned and began walking towards the front door. Nanaba followed, and Erwin followed behind her.

“Tell Blitz I said hello,” Erwin said.

“I'll give her some kisses from you,” Nanaba offered.

“Thank you,” Erwin said. Mike opened the front door and walked out, Nanaba in tow. She turned and waved. Erwin smiled at her and closed the door, locking it. He let the smile drop and let out a heavy breath. It felt nice to have a quiet house again.

Erwin walked away from the front door and down the hallway. He pushed the door to his bedroom open, and saw Levi was still laying in bed. Erwin walked through the room and took a better look. Levi was breathing evenly, even snoring lightly. There was a book in the bed with him, and Erwin recognized that it was Levi's daily meditation book. He had at least attempted to read before he fell asleep. Levi had also eaten half of his banana, the rest of it still on the nightstand. The blankets were spread around Levi, but none of them were on top of him. Erwin pulled the blankets up to Levi's hips. Then, he walked around to his side of the bed and picked up his cellphone. Disconnecting it from the charger caused the screen to light up, and Erwin saw he had a couple of unread text messages. He turned the screen off. 

Erwin silently walked out of the bedroom, pulling the door closed. He walked back down the hallway to the living room and laid down on the sectional, pulling a pillow up under his head. Grabbing the television remote, Erwin turned on the machine and put the remote back down. The TV lit up and was playing a reality television show. At first, the show was kind of annoying, and he hoped that his brain would go numb eventually. 

He lifted his phone to his face and turned on the screen to answer his messages. The first message was from Hange. 

_Hange: I had a good time! Bring Levi over to the house soon so I can convince him to move in with us._

Erwin's thumbs hovered over the keyboard on the screen for a moment, trying to think of the best way to tell Hange that he wasn't going to allow that to happen. Instead, he decided not to engage in that conversation unless it became absolutely necessary. Erwin backed out of Hange's message and went to the other message he received. It was from Moblit. 

_Moblit: We had a really good time, Commander. Thanks for inviting us. It was good to see the Captain again._

Erwin smiled softly at the message before he turned the screen of his phone off. He put the phone, face down, on the coffee table and crossed his arms over his chest. He began paying attention to the television. 

The show was following a collection of mothers and children who participated in child beauty pageants. Erwin quickly assessed what was happening, and his brain began predicting the scripted drama. He wondered if the pageants were even real. Erwin analyzed all of the children that were participating and predicted a winner. His eyelids were beginning to feel heavy with boredom. The show wasn't any fun if he could predict it. Erwin yawned, and his eyes closed for a moment before he opened them again. The show was ending, and the child that he had chosen won the pageant. Commercials began playing while the station queued the next episode. A few times, Erwin realized that his eyes were closed, and he opened them again. But his heavy eyelids kept falling, and he allowed himself to nap.

When Levi woke up, the bedroom was dimmer than it had been earlier in the morning. He had slept so long that the sun wasn't illuminating the edge of the blackout curtains anymore. Levi rolled over onto his back, kicking the blankets off and rubbed his eyes. Dropping his hands from his face to the bed, Levi turned his head and looked at Erwin's empty side of the bed. He rolled over onto his side and pushed his face into Erwin's pillow. The pillow case smelled like Erwin, and Levi buried his face in the fabric, wallowing in the scent.

 _“I didn't dream,”_ Levi thought. He realized that he didn't have so many nightmares when he was near Erwin. _“Maybe that's because I'm where I'm supposed to be.”_ Levi disliked his own romantic thoughts. They were unrealistic. Obviously, he was resting better because he wasn't as stressed as he had been for the past two years. But he clung to the idea that Erwin helped to ease the nightmares anyway. It was comforting. Levi sat up in bed, reluctantly pulling away from the pillow, and he stretched. He moved to the edge of the bed, returned his meditation book to the its drawer and picked up his half eaten banana.

Levi stepped out of bed and stood. He tested his left leg and felt that it was still a bit tender but not nearly as much as it had been that morning. Levi picked up his cell phone from his nightstand and looked at the time. The clock read 2:14. He hadn't intended to sleep so far into the afternoon, but he felt a lot better, much more aware. Levi dropped his phone into his sweatpants pocket. After a few exploratory steps, he realized that he could walk better, and made his way through the bedroom. He opened the door and walked down the hallway to go to the kitchen.

At the end of the hallway, Levi paused when he saw Erwin was asleep on the couch. The television was turned on, but Erwin had fallen asleep while he was watching it. Erwin was laying on his right side, with his arms folded over his chest, and his head, full of golden hair, resting on a throw pillow. It was the first time in this life that Levi had been able to catch Erwin asleep. In their first life, Levi caught Erwin sleeping rather often after a long day of work, but he had forgotten what it was like to see Erwin that way.

Levi silently walked over to the kitchen island and put the half eaten banana down on the counter. He walked closer to the sectional and stood in front of Erwin for a while.

 _“This is the only time he isn't actively thinking of anything,”_ Levi realized. Watching Erwin sleep was the only way that Levi could witness Erwin being completely vulnerable. While Erwin allowed himself to be vulnerable during sex, he never fully allowed himself to go without thinking. Erwin was always thinking of the next thing, no matter what. But while he slept, he could be free. Levi couldn't imagine what it would be like to never be able to just stop thinking for a while. He had struggled with that the most during his recovery. However, there were a few ways that he could numb his mind while he was awake: sex, stupid television shows, cleaning, anything that could be done automatically without much thought. Erwin wasn't capable of doing that. _“I want to see this more often,”_ Levi thought. But he knew that his medicine wouldn't allow him to wake up before Erwin, who had proven to still be in the habit of waking up very early. _“Maybe I could start trying to reduce my meth.”_

A loud commercial for laundry detergent interrupted Levi's thoughts. He picked up the TV remote and turned off the machine. When he set the remote back down quietly, he looked back over to Erwin.

Erwin's blue eyes were open, looking up at Levi.

“Levi,” Erwin muttered with squinted eyes and a sleepy smile. Levi smirked down at him.

“How was your nap, old man?” Levi asked. Erwin sat up on the couch and stretched his arms out. They were stiff from being folded. Then, he reached over and massaged his right arm. “Did your arm fall asleep?”

“No, it's just a bit tingly,” Erwin said. He stopped massaging his arm and reached up to smooth his hair into place. Levi moved closer to Erwin and stood in front of him. Erwin put his hands down, and Levi lifted himself onto the couch with a knee, straddling Erwin's lap. He sat on Erwin's knees. Erwin put his hands on Levi's hips and pulled him a bit closer. Naturally, Levi's hands rested on either of Erwin's arms. “Did you get some more rest?”

“Yeah,” Levi said. He leaned in closer and pressed his lips to Erwin's. Levi raised one of his hands and rested it against Erwin's face. He parted his lips and ran his tongue along Erwin's bottom lip, tasting him. Erwin opened his mouth and pressed his tongue against Levi's.

The kiss wasn't rushed. Erwin didn't know why, but Levi was moving much slower, being more patient. Something about feeling Levi being so tender made goosebumps raise on Erwin's arms. He shuddered, and that's when Levi pulled away. When Erwin opened his eyes, he saw that Levi's gray eyes were watching him intently, pupils barely dilated. He didn't recognize the look in Levi's eyes and couldn't interpret Levi's feelings based on his facial expressions.

“What are you thinking?” Erwin whispered.

“Nothing,” Levi muttered. “You should try it sometime.” Erwin grinned, and his eyes scanned Levi's face. Levi obviously had not been thinking of nothing, but the mystery could wait.

“Would you go out on a date with me tonight?” Erwin asked. Levi huffed.

“We've already fucked. Just save your money,” Levi said. Erwin chuckled.

“Go with me anyway.”

“Twist my arm a bit more,” Levi said. Erwin leaned his head back, resting it on the back of the couch. He raised his eyes to the ceiling while he thought of something that would really tempt Levi. It only took a few brief moments for him to think of something. Erwin lifted his head and met Levi's gaze again.

“Do you like German food?” Erwin asked. Levi shrugged.

“I've never tried it,” Levi said.

“They have all of the potatoes,” Erwin said. Levi legitimately smiled and shook his head.

“Alright,” Levi said. “I'll go for the starch.”

“I need to do an errand while we're out too,” Erwin said.

“An errand? You don't do errands on a date, Erwin.”

“It's just a quick stop at the home improvement store to have a key made. And then we could have dessert tea.” Levi gave Erwin a look of mock skepticism.

“Dessert tea,” Levi repeated. Erwin nodded eagerly. He raised his hands to Levi's back and pulled him closer. Erwin tilted his head and pressed his lips to Levi's neck. Levi closed his eyes and savored the feeling of Erwin kissing his neck. “I don't know how I feel about dessert tea.” Erwin opened his mouth and pressed his tongue to the skin of Levi's neck. His hand slipped under the white cotton shirt and felt of Levi's smooth skin. Erwin pulled his mouth away from Levi's neck and leaned up closer to Levi's ear.

“Go with me,” Erwin whispered. He nipped at Levi's jaw. Levi turned his head and met Erwin's eyes.

“I'll go with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to minxiebutt for beta reading this for me! Beta reading is really important for me, and I really appreciate that type of support. 
> 
> I've received a lot of personal support from my partner and friends for this piece, and I wanted to publicly say that I couldn't have continued this far without their support. I appreciate what they give me. The voice of Intuition and Anxiety are equally loud in my mind, and it's difficult to know which one to listen to sometimes. Both of them capable of offering good advice (unless Anxiety is being a dick again, and that fucks everything up, what an asshole). My partner and friends have been able to help me process some of that. They all deserve praise. I know it's difficult to understand my weird brain shit. <3 
> 
> Finally, thanks to you, dear reader, for showing your support. This story is really important to me, and it's been a pleasant surprise to find out how many people are enjoying it and look forward to it. I've tried to create a posting schedule for myself so I can tell you all when the next chapter will be posted. However, I typically share a chapter when I _feel_ that it's ready. It was really difficult for me to try and edit this week for some reason. I might be slowing down, but I'm going to continue. I use the tumblr tag "I love my readers" pretty often. You should know how special you are to me. 
> 
> TL;DR: I love my beta readers, my partner, my friends and my readers. I'm a fucking mess, but you put up with my shit anyway. Thank you. Come to my house for tacos.


	16. November 12, 2014

When Erwin turned onto his street, he raised his eyebrows in surprise. Levi's car was street parked in front of his house. Automatically, Erwin reached up to his sun visor and pressed the button on his garage door remote, but his eyes didn't move from Levi's car.

The weekend after Halloween, Levi had said that he had plans and wouldn't be able to visit per their usual routine. Erwin had been a bit disappointed, but he had used the time to adjust his lesson plans for the things he wanted to do before Thanksgiving break. While he missed seeing Levi, they had kept in touch through texts, and Levi would call him every night around eleven to say goodnight. He expected that Levi would visit during the upcoming weekend, but seeing that he had come for a visit in the middle of the week was a surprise. The little car was a welcome sight, but Erwin felt anxiety building at the bottom of his spine.

He drove past the little white sedan with missing paint and looked into the driver's seat, but Levi wasn't in his car. 

_“He used his house key,”_ Erwin thought. That helped him feel a bit better. Levi had almost completely refused the house key when it was offered, but Erwin had been able to convince him that it would be alright to take it. Even if Erwin had not said the words, he intended for Levi to understand that he didn't believe Levi would ever bring drugs into their home.

Pulling into the driveway, Erwin looked at the front of the house. All of the windows were open.

 _“You came over to clean,”_ Erwin thought as he pulled into the garage. _“And you're home from work early. Or you didn't go at all.”_ Erwin pressed the garage remote button to close the garage door, and he turned off the vehicle. The anticipation began crawling up his spine while he unbuckled his seatbelt and opened his door. Erwin picked up his school bag from the passenger seat. Curiosity was the only thing keeping Erwin’s emotions balanced. Otherwise he might have rushed inside.

Stepping out of his vehicle, Erwin closed the door behind him and walked up the few steps to the house. He turned his key in the lock and opened the door. The mudroom looked different. It had been organized. Erwin bent down and felt of the floor. It had been mopped, but it wasn't wet anymore. He righted himself and stepped into the house. The washer and dryer weren't running, and that comforted Erwin a bit. He was wondering how deep Levi's cleaning had gone. Kicking off his shoes, Erwin put his school bag down and moved out of the mudroom and into the kitchen.

The entire house smelled like bleach. There was another, more subtle, scent of lemon. On a whim, Erwin walked to the silverware drawer and opened it. Once again, he found everything perfectly organized in place. In fact, Levi had reorganized the drawer so all of the utensils were lined up from shortest to tallest. He opened the drawer next to it which held all of his serving utensils. Typically the drawer was in disarray, but it was also organized and tidy. Erwin reached past some of the utensils and felt of the bottom of the drawer. It had been wiped out. Then, he opened the dishwasher and saw that it was completely empty. It had also been washed with a strong chemical. Erwin closed the dishwasher door.

 _“This doesn't necessarily mean he's having a crisis,”_ Erwin told himself. _“Look around a bit more before you decide.”_

Erwin moved to the hallway, and the garbled sound of music reached him from the master bedroom. He saw that all of the doors in the hallway were open with the lights on except for his office. If Levi was cleaning from one end of the house to the other, he must not have made it to the office yet. Or he was avoiding it. Erwin stepped through the hallway and looked into the bedrooms on the left first. The beds had been stripped; their linens were stacked neatly on top of the chest of drawers. Both rooms smelled like vodka, the best household chemical for sanitizing mattresses.

 _“It's a bad day then. But not necessarily a crisis,”_ Erwin thought. He turned and looked into the guest bathroom. It was spotless, of course, but there wasn’t anything outstanding about it.

Cautiously, Erwin moved farther down the hallway to his bedroom. He looked into the open door and saw that his bed was made up. That didn't necessarily mean that Levi hadn't sanitized the mattress though. He might have simply started in the master bedroom. The music was loud, and truthfully, it was grating Erwin's nerves. All he could hear was a lot of percussion instruments, screaming from the main vocalist and the tone of anger. While it wasn't quite like the music from the fight club, it was reminiscent of it. He looked at the floor and couldn't see any wet spots. Erwin walked into his bedroom and saw that the laundry hamper was completely empty. He took a moment to open the closet and take a look.

The entire right side of the closet had been reorganized by color, and his shoes were lined up against the wall rather than being on top of the shelf. Erwin’s Class A Uniform from the Army was the only exception the the color coding of the closet. The uniform was hanging at the very back in clear view. On the left side of the closet, the clothes that Levi had left after Halloween were still neatly folded up, and a new article of clothing had been added to them. Erwin had kept Levi’s hoodie that he dropped in the parking garage the day he went into detox. But it had been folded up next to the rest of Levi’s clothes rather than being hidden on the right side of the closet among Erwin’s things. Erwin’s eyes dropped to the floor of the closet, and he narrowed his eyes when he saw that Levi’s overnight bag wasn’t present.

 _“You came over to clean, but not stay?”_ Erwin wondered. He furrowed his brows and closed the closet door. He had seen enough. Erwin walked over to his nightstand, where Levi's phone was playing loud music. The closer he stepped to the device, the more he cringed. He picked up the phone and paused the music. “Levi.” Erwin put the phone back down.

“Hey,” Levi called. Erwin walked into the bathroom and looked into the toilet room. He blinked a few times rapidly. Levi was standing on top of the toilet lid, on his tiptoes, reaching into the ceiling. He had removed the metal plate over the vent and was trying to clean the air duct. Levi was dressed down to a sleeveless, white undershirt and old faded jeans. There were spots on the jeans where the denim had come into contact with bleach and faded to a much lighter color. Erwin saw that Levi had a long pocket knife in his back pocket. That was how he had unscrewed the plate from the ceiling. He had an industrial dust mask strapped around his head, and his hair was covered with a black beanie. He was drenched in sweat, and from what Erwin could see of Levi's face, he was flushed with dark circles under his eyes.

 _“Crisis. Damage control,”_ Erwin thought. “The house looks lovely, darling.”

“Do you know how many shit and dust particles you have trapped up here? Didn't you have this fucking place cleaned before you moved in?” Levi snapped. He pulled his arm out of the vent and dropped the bleach soaked wipe into the trash can below him.

“I did,” Erwin said. “They specifically didn't clean out air ducts.”

“Lazy fucking cunts,” Levi spat. He lowered himself and looked into the air duct. “I can't reach past the curve. Why can't you have floor vents? Buy a fucking stepping stool.”

“How about a water break,” Erwin suggested calmly. Levi glared into the air duct for a moment more.

“Hand me the vent cover,” Levi said. Erwin bent down and picked up the metal vent cover. The little screws were right next to it, resting in the grout of the tile. Erwin picked up the screws and stood. He handed the cover to Levi. Levi took it and pulled his knife from his back pocket. He flipped the knife open and awkwardly held it in his mouth. Putting the vent cover in place, Levi held his hand out, and Erwin put a screw in his palm. Levi put the screw in place, screwed it in with his fingertips at first and fully secured it with the blade of his knife. He quickly repeated the process with the second screw. Once he was finished, Levi folded his knife back up and put it in his back pocket once more. Then, he jumped off of the toilet lid and landed gracefully on the tile floor. 

When Levi looked up at Erwin's blue eyes, he instantly felt calmer, relieved even. Choosing not to see Erwin the previous weekend had been a good plan, but Levi had missed him so much. Erwin backed out of the toilet room to give Levi some more space. Levi walked out of the little room and over to the bathroom counter. He pulled the dust mask off and hat off his head, dropping them both to counter before running his fingers through his flat hair. 

Erwin noticed that Levi’s nose ring was missing. He wondered if Levi had taken it out to clean. Erwin turned on his heel and began leading Levi back through the house. He went to the kitchen and made both of them a glass of ice water. When he turned to hand Levi his glass, he saw that Levi was still standing on the other side of the island.

“And a cigarette,” Erwin suggested. He walked with their two glasses to the back of the house. Then, he waited for Levi to catch up. Levi reached up and took his glass out of Erwin's hand, opening the door with his other hand.

The two of them stepped out onto the porch, and Levi directly went for his pack of cigarettes in his chair while Erwin closed the door. Rather than sitting down, Levi stepped out into the grass. Erwin approached him and saw that Levi wouldn't be able to open the pack on his own with the water in his other hand. Erwin opened the pack for Levi and took a cigarette out. He popped the capsule in the filter before he put it between Levi's lips. Then, Erwin lit the cigarette for Levi. He took out a cigarette for himself and lit it. Once they both had a cigarette, Levi closed the pack and put it in his back pocket.

Erwin turned and looked at the back porch. It had been swept and probably washed down with the water hose. If Levi had time, he probably bleached the concrete too. Even the butt can, from a distance, looked clean. He imagined, that if he looked into it, he would find it empty of trash and scrubbed clean. Erwin pulled some smoke and inhaled behind it to force it down into his lungs. He heard the ice in Levi's glass rattle when he lifted it to his mouth.

Levi drank the water greedily, thinking about the conversation they were obviously about to have. He speculated a few of Erwin’s reactions and wondered which one he would actually receive. It made him nervous to think about Erwin being disappointed, but it couldn’t be helped. Levi thought he was doing what was right. 

“How long have you been here?” Erwin asked. Levi dragged on his cigarette and held the smoke for a minute before he exhaled.

“About eight, I think,” Levi said.

“You've gotten a lot done,” Erwin said. Levi didn't say anything while he began gulping his water again. The cold liquid felt strange on his empty stomach. He had stopped to eat some peanut butter on a slice of bread, but halfway through, he remembered something else he wanted to do. He couldn’t remember if he had eaten the whole thing. Levi drained his water glass. Erwin noticed and he offered Levi his glass. Levi put his cigarette in his mouth to hold it while he exchanged glasses with Erwin. Then, he inhaled some smoke before removing the cigarette again. “I imagine your own living space is equally scrubbed.”

“Yeah,” Levi said. He had scrubbed too hard though. There was a patch of linoleum on his kitchen floor that had lost its color. Erwin waited patiently for Levi to provide more information while he dragged on his cigarette. He flicked the cigarette butt in his hand, knocking the ash off the burning end. Erwin glanced over to Levi's cigarette hand and saw that Levi was flicking the cigarette repetitively.

“I missed you,” Erwin said. Levi stopped flicking the cigarette so quickly.

“I missed you too,” he said. “I'm sorry I wasn't able to come over last weekend.”

“It's alright. You've been busy,” Erwin said. Levi dragged on his cigarette. “But you don't look like you've been sleeping very well.” Levi licked his lips before he exhaled smoke. His lips parted while he thought about what he wanted to say. He trusted Erwin, but he hesitated anyway.

“I called out sick from work today and tomorrow,” Levi said.

“You've changed something about your medications,” Erwin thought. Erwin dragged on his cigarette and waited to see if Levi would provide more.

“I reduced my methadone,” Levi said. “And some of the Klonopin had to come down with it.” Erwin exhaled smoke.

 _“But you couldn't have reduced it by much,”_ Erwin thought. _“So you're just having a rough time without the Klonopin?”_

“I'm taking 140 milligrams of meth now instead of 150,” Levi said. Erwin looked away from Levi and focused on covering up the instant surprise and concern that he felt. He dragged on his cigarette to hide at least part of his face.

“That's a lot, isn't it,” Erwin exhaled smoke.

“Yeah.”

“How did you convince the doctor to do that for you?”

“I told him that I was going to the clinic to step down to 140, and I wanted to change my prescription to stay at that dosage a while,” Levi said. “I lied to him.”

“What's the rush?” Erwin asked. Levi thought about Erwin's question. He didn't know how to explain it. Reducing had never even occurred to him until he caught Erwin sleeping after Halloween. But he couldn't say that. It wasn't reasonable enough.

 _“You wouldn't understand,”_ Levi thought. It was a familiar thought. He refused to say it because it made him sound like a child. There were many things that Erwin could understand, but he wasn't sure this was one of them. “I'm tired of taking medication.” Erwin nodded.

“I had to take some anti-depressants last year,” Erwin said. “I remember feeling that way after a few months.” Levi looked up at Erwin, lips parted and eyebrows turned down in a deep V with confusion and irritation.

 _“You mother fucker. I tell you all of my shit, and you can't even tell me that you were depressed until it suits you. You were depressed because I was gone, and you use that on me now? You tricky, secretive bastard.”_ Levi's thoughts raced. He felt angry even if he didn't completely understand where his anger was directed. “Anti-depressants,” Levi repeated. He shook his head and looked away from Erwin again.

“For seasonal affective disorder,” Erwin said. “I may have to take them this year too.”

“What's that?” Some of the irritation had soothed. Rather than being situational, Erwin's depression was a disorder. The guilt and resentment that had built up so quickly in Levi's chest eased.

“It's a bit more severe version of the 'winter blues',” Erwin explained.

“How severe?” Levi asked.

“I couldn't get out of bed for class for a few days,” Erwin said. Levi's backbone tensed. That sounded familiar. There had been times that Erwin couldn't get out of bed back then too. They could always tell the soldiers he had some sort of flu, and he always bounced back before the next expedition. But it became damn near unmanageable after he lost his arm. No one would've understood back then anyway. There was no such thing as diagnosed depression; everyone was depressed.

“That's not good,” Levi commented. He couldn’t think of anything better to say. 

“I think I’ve had it for a long time and didn't take the time to notice,” Erwin said. “Probably, since I was a teenager. But again, I always thought it was because there wasn't as much sunlight. Typically, it starts after Thanksgiving. I don't know what happened last year, but a few days after Thanksgiving, I woke up and felt like I couldn't get up. I thought I was getting sick, so I stayed in bed as much as I could. But I never developed a cold or the flu. I decided to go to the doctor and see what was going on.” Levi nodded and took a drag from his forgotten cigarette. He was glad Erwin told him. Now he could prepare for what might come after Thanksgiving.

“Is there ever a year where you don't have it?”

“Once I thought back over things, I realized that there were years where it seemed more manageable,” Erwin said. “But I can tell a difference most of the time. It feels like,” Erwin paused. Levi looked up at him again. He watched Erwin's face change while he thought. “I feel heavy when I wake up.” Erwin looked down at Levi, holding the eye contact while he thought. He wondered if he had the same disorder in their first life. Winter had always been difficult for him. “That was what I noticed the most last year.” Levi nodded. Erwin smiled gently down at him. “There might be a few days that you'll have to kick me out of bed.”

“Or I could stay in bed with you,” Levi offered. “Pushing yourself sometimes is fine, but you need to cut yourself some slack, Erwin.”

“I feel the same way about you,” Erwin said. Levi turned his entire body towards Erwin and squared his shoulders.

“Did you seriously fucking say all of that shit just to turn it around on me?” 

“Not intentionally,” Erwin admitted. “But you provided an excellent segue that I couldn't ignore.”

“Tch.” Levi lifted his cigarette to his mouth and dragged. Erwin watched his face, looking for signs of real irritation. He couldn't find any. Erwin remembered that if he had done that with Felicia, she would instantly be in a rage. Many people couldn't stand his pragmatic use of conversation. Levi seemed to expect it.

“Levi,” Erwin said. “10 milligrams was too much.” The purple circles under Levi's eyes were proof enough. Erwin hadn't missed seeing the signs of sleep deprivation all over Levi's face. He liked that Levi looked well rested in this life, even if it meant that he was having chemical assistance. But now Levi really looked like he had back then. Levi kept his eyes on Erwin.

“I know,” Levi replied. He considered telling Erwin the more private reason that he wanted to stop taking so much medication, but he was too embarrassed. It was too sentimental, too soft. Even with Erwin, the one person that he trusted above all others, Levi had trouble showing vulnerability when he wanted to. Erwin turned his whole body to face Levi. Levi watched the change in body language, but he didn't find any aggression in Erwin's stance. He expected that Erwin might be pissed off when he found out about the drop in medication, but that hadn't happened.

“I want you to stop too,” Erwin said. Levi knew what Erwin wanted to hear.

“But I need to do it right,” Levi provided. Erwin nodded.

“Because I want you here.” Levi's breath caught. It took him a moment to regulate his breathing again. The words knocked the air out of his lungs. Erwin glanced down at his cigarette, and took a final drag on it while he walked over to the porch to drop it in the butt can. Levi stood in the same spot, not turning to watch Erwin walk away.

Erwin's words were so heavy, and Levi struggled with them. Rather than being angry that he had taken a risk to lower his methadone so quickly, Erwin was only thinking about Levi disappearing again. And he had a right to be concerned. If Levi relapsed again, he fully intended to hide from Erwin once more. That was always the plan. Never let Erwin see how bad it could be. Protect him from the reality of a debilitated Captain. Maintain a superhuman amount of emotional strength, even if the physical strength was no longer present. Levi took a drag on his cigarette, and he heard the back door open and close when Erwin walked back into the house. The aversion strategy came with a great price to both of them, but Levi was willing to pay it. Levi knew that he wouldn't relapse again if he could just get off of his methadone. It was less likely for him to go out to find heroin again, but it was too easy to find benzos. And mixing methadone and benzodiazepines was far more dangerous than any heroin he had ever used. Mixing was too unpredictable.

Levi took another drag on his cigarette and realized a bit too late that he had smoked down to the filter. He winced and walked over to the porch. Levi tossed his pack of cigarettes back into one of the porch chairs. He dropped the filter in the butt can before going back inside. Erwin was in the kitchen, washing his water glass.

Levi walked through the house, to the kitchen, and put his water glass on the counter next to the sink. Erwin finished rinsing the glass and set it in the drying rack that Levi had bought for him. Levi reached out and turned off the tap to the kitchen sink.

“Erwin.” Erwin picked up a kitchen towel and dried his hands off while he turned to face Levi. Once his hands were dry, he folded the kitchen towel and laid it next to the sink. There were many things that Levi considered saying. _“I want to be here. I'm never leaving you. Don't ever imply some bullshit like that ever again.”_ his mind wandered. None of the statements sounded quite right. 

Erwin waited patiently while he saw thoughts flash through Levi's head. Instead of saying anything, Levi reached up, grabbed the front of Erwin's shirt in his fist and pulled Erwin down. Levi crushed Erwin's mouth with his own, not sparing a single second before he parted his lips and forced his tongue into Erwin’s mouth. Levi watched Erwin's eyes close while he deepened the kiss. Then, he closed his own eyes and focused only the feeling of Erwin's wet tongue and their lips moving together, the clashing of teeth and the feeling of his pulse in his own neck. With his free hand, Levi reached down and palmed Erwin's crotch, massaging his half hard cock through his slacks. A gasp raced past Erwin's throat, and Levi broke their kiss. He didn't move his hands away, and he waited for Erwin to open his eyes. When Erwin's eyelids parted and Levi saw the fire of lust in the blue irises, he took his hands away. 

“Go shower and clean up for me,” Levi said.

Erwin's eyes scanned Levi's face. He recognized that look. In their first life, it was an infrequent occurrence for Levi to take control, and the rarity made it even more satisfying. Once Levi decided he wanted to do it, his energy changed from simply untamed to voracious. Erwin leaned forward to capture Levi's mouth again. But he was met by Levi's hand clapping over his mouth.

“Do what I said,” Levi muttered, his voice had a richer, darker tone. Erwin leaned away from Levi's hand, standing up straight. He turned on his heel and walked out of the kitchen, down the hallway. Levi waited and counted to twenty.

Once he was sure that Erwin was gone, Levi left the kitchen and went to the front door. He leaned down and reached into his shoes, taking out his car keys from one of them. Then, he stood up and slipped on his tennis shoes. Levi stepped out of the front door and went to the trunk of his car. He opened the trunk and took out his black overnight bag and his boot polishing kit. The kit was actually a black, plastic tackle box that he had stocked with polish and brushes. It was a good time to hide it in Erwin's house, and he needed some latex gloves from it.

Levi closed the trunk of his car and walked back up to the front door and into the house. He closed the door with his foot and slipped out of his shoes. If he didn't want Erwin to see the kit, he needed to hide it fast.

Quickly, Levi walked down the hallway and into the bedroom. Erwin was obviously still in the shower. First, Levi stopped by the closet and deposited his duffle bag on his side. After closing the closet door, Levi looked around Erwin's bedroom. He went over to the bed and knelt down next to it. Opening the kit, Levi pulled out a pair a black latex gloves before he closed the box and hid it under the bed, against the wall. He raised up from his knees, dropped the gloves on the nightstand and went to the bathroom.

Erwin stepped out of the shower and began  to dry off, ruffling his hair with the towel so it would be messed up, the way that Levi liked to see it. Once Erwin felt mostly dry, he hung his towel over the rack and walked over to the counter to brush his teeth. There was still cigarette residue in his mouth from earlier. While Erwin was still brushing his teeth, Levi walked into the bathroom naked. When he walked behind Erwin to go to the shower, he slapped Erwin on the ass so hard that Erwin almost swallowed the toothpaste lather in his mouth. He drooped over the sink and spit instead.

“Take some ibuprofen when you’re done,” Levi instructed. “And get yourself hard for me too.” Once Erwin's mouth was cleared, he looked over at Levi, who was stepping into the shower without looking back. Erwin’s toothbrush hung limply in his mouth. Levi had never spanked him before. Not ever. And it was exhilarating. Erwin made quick work of brushing his teeth after that.

After he finished brushing his teeth, Erwin took some ibuprofen, washing it down with a handful of water. He wiped his mouth on the bathroom towel, grabbed some clean towels from the storage rack, and went into the bedroom. He dropped the folded towels on the bed and pulled the comforter and sheets back. For a moment, Erwin stared at the sheets, wondering what Levi had in mind. He picked up one of the towels and put it down on the sheets. Then, he added another one just below it. Quickly, Erwin went to the light switch and turned off the overhead light before he almost ran to his bedside table to turn on his lamp. He stopped when he saw the black, latex gloves on the nightstand. That's when his heart began to race. Erwin turned on the lamp and hopped into bed, laid down on the towels, pushing the covers farther down with his feet. He wrapped his hand around his half hard cock and began stroking.

Levi felt a lot better in the shower. He had spent the time thinking about what he wanted to do to Erwin. More importantly, he spent time thinking about how he wanted to make Erwin feel. Their versatility was infrequent, but every time that they had switched, Levi had instigated it. And he always had one goal: to completely stop Erwin from thinking. Not only for a few seconds though. He wanted to see Erwin physically and mentally immobilized. In their first life, it had been a lot of work to get Erwin to that point, but Levi felt more confident this time. He had more experience, and Erwin had less responsibility.

Rinsing the final bits of soap off his skin, Levi ran his head under the stream of water once more before he turned of the shower. He wiped some of the water off of his skin before he opened the shower door and stepped out. While he dried off, Levi began mentally preparing himself for what he wanted to do. He hung his towel back up and walked into the bedroom.

Erwin was laying on the bed, with his knees pulled up, stroking his cock slowly. Levi leaned against the door frame of the bathroom and watched. When Erwin would pull his hand up, he would inhale. Then, he would exhale when his hand stroked back down. It was pleasant to watch, and Levi felt his cock tingling at the sight. He especially liked the relaxed look on Erwin’s face and how his blue eyes would flutter open occasionally. 

“Stop,” Levi said. Erwin's hand dropped his cock, and he raised up both of his hands to his hair. He ran his fingers into the golden locks to stop his hands from wandering. Levi leaned away from the door frame and went to Erwin's nightstand. He opened the drawer and pulled out the lubricant bottle.

Levi put the bottle and both gloves on the bed before he lifted himself up on the mattress. He moved over the bed and settled between Erwin's legs. Putting a hand on either of Erwin’s bent knees, Levi's gray eyes dropped to Erwin's cock and darted back up to his face.

“Don't touch me unless I say you can,” Levi said. Erwin nodded eagerly. “Don't touch yourself, except for your hair. You can grab the sheets or your pillow.” Erwin nodded again, unable to speak. Then, Levi dropped his head and closed his eyes. He pressed his tongue to the base of Erwin's cock and licked a stripe up his frenulum. Erwin gasped and his toes curled. When Levi reached the tip, he slid his tongue against Erwin's slit tasting of the precome that had collected there. Erwin dug the heel of his right foot into the bed when Levi teased his head.

Levi lifted his head back up and looked at Erwin's face. Erwin's eyes were already half lidded, but his eyes were burning bright. Levi reached up and grabbed his pillow from the other side of the bed.

“Lift your hips,” Levi said. Erwin pressed his feet into the bed and lifted his bottom half. Levi put the pillow under Erwin's lower back, and Erwin lowered himself back down. Just to heighten the anticipation, Levi paused. During the pause, Erwin's hands tightened in his hair. He knew that Levi was purposely waiting, but he couldn't hide the longing. It was difficult to maintain composure with a hard cock throbbing against his stomach. Levi leaned forward over him, putting a hand on either side of Erwin to support himself. “Give me one of your hands.” Erwin took his right hand out of his hair, and Levi picked up the lubricant bottle. He opened it and poured a small amount of the liquid into Erwin's hand. To keep the liquid from running out of his palm, Erwin closed his hand and rubbed the lubricant around to warm it up. After closing the bottle and dropping it back in place, Levi grabbed Erwin's wrist and directed the big hand down. Erwin opened his hand and wrapped it around Levi's half-hard cock.

Levi hissed softly between his clenched teeth. He closed his eyes and began thrusting in and out of Erwin's fist. It didn't take long at all for his cock to get fully hard. Levi leaned down and wrapped his mouth around one of Erwin's nipples. Erwin whimpered after a gasp, and Levi’s cock twitched in his fist. Levi continued to move his hips, pushing in and pulling out of Erwin's hand, while he licked Erwin's nipple.

Erwin's mind was racing. He closed his eyes and focused on the sensation on his chest, the feeling of Levi hard cock in his hand. More than anything, Erwin wanted to know what would come next. Along with the hot lust that was building in his groin, there was tickle of excitement and even impatience. He was lost in thought for a moment until Levi's mouth moved away from his nipple. Levi's hot tongue danced around his areola, but then he felt the graze of Levi’s teeth before a sharp bite. Erwin growled against the pain, and his hand automatically left his own hair to wrap in Levi's black, damp locks. He caught the mistake and automatically lifted his hand from Levi's head.

Levi released his teeth and lifted his head. He watched as Erwin's hand returned back to where it was supposed to be.

“Take your hand off of me,” Levi muttered. Erwin's hand left his cock and dropped to his side. Levi lifted up and sat back on his knees. He picked up the black gloves and put one on either hand. Erwin lifted his head from his pillow to watch. “Put your head back down.” Erwin's head dropped back to the pillow. Levi swallowed. There was something he wanted to do, and he wished that he could see Erwin's reaction to it while it was happening. But that couldn't be helped.

Levi backed down the bed a bit and dropped his head. He spread Erwin's cheeks and closed his eyes before he pressed his tongue against Erwin's opening.

Erwin gasped so hard that his vision spun. His left hand tightened in his hair, right hand wrapped in the sheets and he bucked off of the pillow. With the second lick, Erwin heard himself involuntarily whine.

“Levi,” Erwin breathed. He closed his eyes tightly against the next lick. He was so sensitive already, and he convulsed with every lick.

Levi didn't stop licking until Erwin was shaking in his hands. In their first life, Levi was completely opposed the practice in every way. But he trusted their modern soaps. And it surprised him how much he liked licking Erwin. He even liked Erwin's taste. More importantly, Erwin's response was glorious. He had no idea that Erwin would like it so much. After a final lick, Levi let his hands slide away from Erwin's ass. He raised up and looked down at Erwin. He was flushed, a bit of sweat already broken along his brow under his blond bangs, and his chest and stomach were rising and falling faster.

“I like that,” Levi muttered. Erwin barely opened his eyes and looked up at Levi. For emphasis, Levi licked his lips while he stared into Erwin's eyes. Erwin's eyes fell closed again and he inclined his head, stretching out his neck. It was getting harder to breathe, and he hoped that he knew what was coming next.

Levi reached over and grabbed the lubricant bottle again. He opened it and poured a generous amount of the liquid in his palm. Closing the bottle, Levi dropped it to the bed and began rubbing his gloved hands together. His soaked hands dropped between Erwin's legs again. He spread Erwin's cheeks and pressed a dripping finger against Erwin's entrance. The smooth texture of the gloves made pressing his middle finger inside of Erwin even easier. The digit slipped in with hardly any resistance. And Levi found Erwin's prostate with the first stroke.

When Erwin's back came off the bed as he arched and panted for air, Levi's lips parted and he smiled. He began gently curling his fingertip against Erwin's engorged prostate.

“Fuck,” Erwin whimpered. “Levi.”

“Make noise for me, charming,” Levi said. The sound of Levi's voice and the new name caused Erwin to see sparks of white behind his closed eyelids. He didn't expect the second finger, but when it was in and curling with the first, it took Erwin's breath away. A groan of nearly painful pleasure erupted from Erwin's chest and through his throat. He couldn't lay down on the bed properly. Everything from his waist down was on fire. “Just like that, Commander.” Erwin felt pain on his scalp from his left hand pulling his hair. He let the hand drop and wrapped it in the sheets like the other hand.

Levi's eyes watched Erwin's face. He had met his goal a bit sooner than he had anticipated, but he wanted to see more. Erwin wasn't quite wrecked yet.

“I can't wait to put my cock in this tight, little hole of yours,” Levi muttered. Levi curled his fingers twice in fast succession. Erwin's legs were shaking so violently that he couldn't hold himself up very well. “Relax a little more for me.” Levi's fingers stilled inside of Erwin, and he waited for Erwin to lower himself back to the bed. While he waited for Erwin to recover a moment, Levi reached over with his left hand and grabbed the lubricant again. He added more liquid to Erwin's hole and began scissoring his fingers to stretch him out a bit more. The new liquid was cold, and it shocked Erwin back to reality again. He opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling, but he couldn't keep them open for long. Levi's ring finger was already pressing at his opening.

Erwin took a deep breath and relaxed his muscles on the exhale. He felt Levi's fingers pull out an inch, and then the third one was wrapped in with the other two. Slowly, Levi pressed against Erwin's opening until it gave to the girth. Once he had three fingertips in, Levi paused and let Erwin adjust. Erwin was still breathing heavily, but his face looked more alert even if his eyes were open.

“You're so fucking gorgeous when you're messed up,” Levi whispered to him. One side of Erwin's lips tilted up, and Levi grinned down at him. Levi pressed a bit farther in and stopped when he felt Erwin clench. His instinct was to ask if Erwin was alright, but he rebelled against it. He needed to focus on statements, not questions. It was time for Erwin's brain to have a break. “I'm going to fuck you breathless.” Erwin relaxed a little more, and Levi reached his second knuckles. He barely moved his fingers, encouraging Erwin to open up to him more.

The fullness made Erwin's heart skip. He knew that he was clenching around Levi's digits, but it felt so good. When he felt Levi's fingers slide out, rubbing against his prostate, he choked on the air caught in his chest. His head swam, and Levi stopped pulling out. Instead, he began wiggling his fingers. The motion caused little spasms through Erwin's groin, reaching all the way through his cock.

Levi saw Erwin's cock twitch against his stomach, and he repeated the motion, watching for the response. The second time, Erwin grunted softly.

“I bet you can come dry from this,” Levi whispered. Erwin only nodded. He closed his mouth and swallowed drying to wet his dry throat. Levi's fingers moved twitched again, and Erwin clenched his eyelids tighter.

“I ah-” Erwin's words stopped when Levi moved again. “I discovered that when I was seventeen.”

“Practice that more often,” Levi suggested. Erwin nodded to agree. Levi began curling his fingers while he pressed them in again. The little spasms of pleasure that Erwin felt through his cock were spread out at first. But the longer Levi worked his fingers, the longer and closer together they became. Levi's gray eyes were trained on Erwin's face while he continued to prod at the soft tissue. He could see the orgasm building up in Erwin's body. Fascinated, Levi continued to move his fingers in a slow, repetitive curling motion. And the faster Erwin breathed, the faster his fingers moved. With just a bit more pressure, Levi pushed his three fingers inside of Erwin to the last knuckle.

Finally feeling the entire length of Levi’s lithe fingers, Erwin’s breath rushed out of his lungs. He swallowed again, trying to wet his throat, but the spasms were so close together he couldn't tell where one stopped and the other began. Soon, they melted together, and he was getting closer.

“Levi,” Erwin moaned. His breaths were faster, and his entire body was trembling. Erwin was still mentally present, but Levi knew that he could work Erwin up enough that his mental capacity would disappear completely. Then, Erwin panted so heavily that he groaned behind it, and his body seized. The clench around Levi's fingers was unmistakable. That was the first one. Levi wiggled his fingers faster and felt his eyes widen when he saw Erwin come apart that way. Erwin's breath caught in his chest, his fists clenched, he rolled his head back on the pillow, and he stopped moving. The muscle was clenching so hard around Levi's fingers that it was hard to move them anymore.

Levi leaned over Erwin, supporting himself with his left fist on the toweled bed, and kissed along Erwin’s clavicle bone. He waited for Erwin to start breathing again. The first breath was a gasp for air, and after that, Erwin was breathing heavily again. The intense trembling in his body had subsided a bit. Levi's gray eyes lifted up to Erwin's face with the next kiss he planted on the broad chest.

“Hey, charming,” Levi whispered. “If you want me inside of you, you have to let my fingers go.” Erwin nodded, but couldn't open his eyes. He swallowed and focused on relaxing. Levi felt the tension around his fingers ease and he slid them out, slowly. “Good boy.” The words felt like fire in Erwin's backbone. It came as a surprise to him that he liked the sound of those words together. Levi leaned up on his knees again and slipped the pinky of of his left hand under the edge of his right glove. He made fast work of rolling the glove up over his hand, making sure that it would be inside out to keep all of the lube and any excretion within the latex. He tied a knot in glove before he flippantly tossed it over, off of the bed to the floor. Then, Levi grabbed the lube again. He poured some liquid into his left hand and stroked himself, soaking his member. He pressed the excess to Erwin's gaping hole before he lined his head up against the opening.

Without another moment, Levi pressed his head into Erwin's ass. Erwin tensed, and Levi paused. 

“Breathe with me,” Levi instructed. He inhaled deeply and waited for Erwin to follow the example. Once Erwin’s chest and stomach raised with air, Levi exhaled and watched Erwin release the breath, relaxing with the process. “Perfect.” When he said the word, he felt Erwin’s muscle relax around his member. Levi pushed the rest of the way inside and leaned over Erwin, supporting himself with his fists on the bed. The warm muscle wrapped around him felt so good, so hot and wet, that Levi needed a moment to collect himself. Erwin’s breath was ragged, and he was clenched again.

“Let me touch you, Levi,” Erwin begged in a whisper. Levi only nodded, not opening his eyes. He felt Erwin's hands on his biceps. When Levi felt Erwin's hands squeeze the muscle of his biceps, he remembered that he was supposed to be moving. Levi pulled his hips back and pressed back in with a hard thrust. Erwin's short fingernails dug into the skin of his arms, and Levi trembled. He opened his eyes and looked down at Erwin's face. Erwin's eyes were open, looking up at him. And he was obviously still thinking. Levi took a heavy breath and released it before another thrust. He didn't stop after that one. He knew that he wasn't going to last long because his cock was aching at that point.

Levi lifted his right hand from the bed and wrapped it around the back of Erwin’s neck. With some pulling, Erwin lifted his head and their lips met. Levi barely pulled out and pushed back in. He broke the kiss and took his hand away from Erwin’s neck. Obediently, Erwin laid his head back down. Levi’s hand rested on the front of Erwin’s throat for leverage. He pulled out and pushed back in roughly, and he lost control of himself then. His breath was coming faster. Moans were bubbling up and out of his chest, and the sound their skin slapping only pushed him farther. Levi was losing the capability to think, but he could still hear Erwin breathing harder and releasing little groans of pleasure. Erwin's hands dropped to Levi’s hips, encouraging him to move faster, and along with picking up the pace, Levi pushed in harder with every thrust, moving Erwin's entire body.

“Fuck!” Erwin snapped. Levi's hand tightened around Erwin's throat. “Levi.” The voice was breathier, and Levi knew that he was taking enough air away from Erwin that he couldn't talk properly. But it felt too good. He barely opened his eyes and saw that Erwin's face was flushed, but he was still panting past his parted lips.

“You're such a fucking cock slut, aren't you, charming,” Levi growled.

“Yeah,” Erwin whined. His eyebrows were furrowed from the intensity of the pleasure. Levi stopped moving so quickly or hard and leaned down closer to Erwin's ear.

“I'm going to come inside of you,” Levi whispered. “And then I'm going to finger fuck you until you push it out into my hand.” Erwin shuddered and opened his eyes, looking up at Levi's stern face. Levi swallowed when he saw the needy look on Erwin's face. He was making the strongest man he knew melt under him. Levi leaned up again and started thrusting faster. When he felt Erwin's legs wrap around his hips, he knew that Erwin was close to another orgasm.

“Levi,” Erwin panted. Levi took his hand off of Erwin's neck and moved it down to his sternum, covering the bolo tie tattoo. He pressed his hand into the breastbone and focused completely on the feeling of the hot warmth around his cock. The hot knot in his stomach was getting very close to being too much.

“Fuck, Erwin,” Levi groaned. Levi's orgasm was so hard that he dug his fingernails into Erwin's chest, pulling up some of Erwin's hairs between his fingers when he came. He pumped into Erwin's ass with every shot of come, but he stopped moving immediately when he was spent. The desire to drop on top of Erwin and rest was strong, but he wanted something else more.

Levi leaned up, pulled his softening cock out of Erwin's hole and replaced it with two finger from his gloved left hand. Erwin seemed to have been more conscious while Levi was fucking him, but with the return of fingers, Erwin became a spasming mess once more. The heels of Erwin's feet dug down into the mattress again.

“F-fuck!” Erwin stuttered, but his hips were moving, thrusting down onto Levi's hand. Levi relentlessly curled his fingers against Erwin's prostate.

“Give me one more,” Levi panted. “Lose your mind for me, charming.” The soft encouraging words lit Erwin's bottom half on fire, and before he knew it the spasms were closer together and bigger than they had been earlier. The next dry orgasm ran through the entirety of his ass and cock, and Levi smiled when he looked down at his hand and saw the come leaking from Erwin's hole.

Quickly, Levi took his left glove off, giving it the same treatment as the first. Then he dipped his head down, and took Erwin's cock in his mouth.

“Oh, shit!” Erwin gasped. He bucked into Levi's mouth automatically before he wrapped his hand in the dark hair. “Fuck, Levi!” Erwin was beyond thinking anymore. Levi slathered Erwin's cock in spit, and bobbed his head up and down, hollowing his cheeks. It only took a few seconds before Erwin came down his throat, and there was so much of it that Levi had to swallow several times. He continued to swallow around Erwin's head even when he was coming dry again. Levi didn't stop until the sounds of pleasure began to cross over into the gentle whines of pain.

When Levi pulled his mouth off of Erwin's softening cock, he looked up at Erwin's face. He smiled when he saw that Erwin was absolutely ruined. The blonde locks on top of his head were mussed, and his face was flushed a deep red.

Levi moved out from between Erwin's legs and went to his side of the bed. He pulled his pillow out from under the limp man and put it back in its proper place. Then, he reached over and directed Erwin to roll over onto his side. Levi put Erwin's head on his chest, and he wrapped an arm behind Erwin holding him close. More than anything, Levi wanted a cigarette, and he would light up right in Erwin's bedroom if he had thought to grab them. But he was savoring the feeling of a boneless Erwin laying against him. Erwin was too exhausted and spent to even wrap his arm around Levi's waist. Levi put a kiss on top of Erwin's head.

“Get a nap while you can, charming, round two is in an hour,” Levi whispered. Erwin let out a little sound of a mixture of whining and something that sounded close to fear. A wide smile broke out across Levi's face while he stared at the ceiling. Pride swelled in his chest. He hadn't expected things to go so well. And that's when he realized that Erwin's breathing was already even, and he had already fallen asleep.“You're amazing, Erwin.” Levi shook his head in disbelief, the big smile still glued to his face. _“But getting high would have made it better.”_ The smile melted off of Levi’s face. It hurt to think that, and he wasn’t sure he believed it. But he had been fighting those thoughts since he reduced his dosage. 

While he had been on top of Erwin, Levi hadn’t thought of heroin at all. But as soon as all of the excitement was over, the thoughts had come rushing back just as strong as they had been for almost a week. Levi swallowed, his eyes gazing over the ceiling while he was thinking about shooting up again. There was something about putting a needle in his arm that was much more comforting than taking pills. He enjoyed the process of measuring out his dope in the spoon, melting it, injecting it. Of course, he missed the instant euphoria the most, but he missed the single mindedness of the ritualistic preparation. While he had a spoon and a needle in his hand, only one thing mattered. A gentle snore rumbled from Erwin, and Levi looked down at him. He pressed a kiss firmly to Erwin’s forehead and held it while he closed his eyes. 

_“I want you more than I want to get high,”_ Levi thought. _“But if you knew what it was like-”_ Levi didn’t finish that thought. He carefully slipped his arm out from under Erwin, and with some maneuvering moved Erwin’s head off of his chest and onto a pillow. Erwin didn’t even stir. Levi grinned at him before turning to stand out of the bed. 

Levi walked around to Erwin's side of the bed and picked up the discarded gloves. He went to the bathroom, threw the gloves away, and washed himself off in the sink with plenty of soap. He averted his eyes from the mirror while he washed. Once he felt clean again, he stepped out of the bathroom and went to Erwin’s bedside table. Turning out the lamp, Levi picked up his cellphone and stopped by the laundry hamper to pull on his faded jeans, not bothering to go to the closet for underwear. Once his bottom half was dressed, Levi left the bedroom.

While he was walking down the hallway, Levi checked his phone. He had missed a call from the man he was sponsoring, and he cringed. He had forgotten his phone was on silent while he had been using it to listen to music. But he was also glad that it hadn’t interrupted his time with Erwin. Levi tapped the man’s name to call him back while he was walking to the back door. 

The phone rang twice before Stephen answered. 

“Hey.”

“Hey, man. Sorry I missed your call,” Levi said. He opened the back door and stepped out onto the porch. Walking over to his chair, Levi picked up his cigarettes and sat down. Stephen still hadn’t said anything while Levi was lighting his cigarette. After an inhale, Levi held the breath while he waited. On the exhale, Levi cleared his throat. “What’s up?” 

“Nothing. I just needed to call someone,” Stephen said. Levi could hear Stephen breath in sharply. 

“Are you smoking a cigarette or pot?” Levi asked. He dragged on his cigarette. 

“Some pot. To chill me out,” Stephen said. “Are you smoking too?” 

“Just a cigarette. Pot doesn’t do anything for me.” 

“Nothing at all?” 

“Not really.” 

“That sucks. So what’s going on with you today?” Levi exhaled another lungful of smoke. 

“I’m at my boyfriend’s house right now. I’ve been cleaning all day,” Levi said. 

“You didn’t go to work today?” 

“No. I needed a mental health day.” 

“When does he get home from work?” 

“He’s already home.” 

“Do you want me to let you go so you can spend some time with him?”

“No,” Levi said. “He’s sleeping.” 

“Sleeping at four in the afternoon?” Stephen asked. Levi could hear the smile in his voice. Levi grinned. “What did you do to him?”

“He’s a high school teacher,” Levi said. “So, you can imagine what he puts up with all day.” 

“No, I can’t. And I don’t want to.” 

“Me either. What did you do today?” 

“I’ve mostly been high all day.” 

“Just pot?” 

“Yep.” 

“That’s good.” 

“My wife disagrees,” Stephen said. 

“Did you talk to her about going to the family and friends group yet?” 

“Yeah,” Stephen said. Levi waited for him to add to the conversation, but there was silence on the other end of the phone. 

“No go?” 

“Apparently.” 

“What’s up with her not wanting some support?” 

“That’s just how she is, man,” Stephen said. “She’s been that way ever since I met her. She’s always thought she could handle everything on her own. And while I was working, that was great, but now I wish she would show some weakness occasionally. At least then, she would seem more human.” Levi nodded. 

“I get that,” he said. “Definitely.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah, I do. My boyfriend was my superior in the Marines, and there were many times that I questioned whether or not he was actually human.” 

“Shit. He knew you before you started using too?” 

“He did,” Levi confirmed. 

“So how are you making it work?” Levi dragged on his cigarette again. On the phone, he heard the strike of a lighter and some bubbling noises. He waited in silence while he imagined Stephen holding his breath, and when Stephen started coughing, Levi grinned. 

“At least, it sounds like good stuff,” Levi commented. 

“It is,” Stephen choked. He clear his throat. “Anyway, how are you doing it? How can you make that relationship functional?” 

“I honestly don’t know how to answer that question,” Levi said. “It’s a lot of work.” 

“So, is he going to the family and friend group?” 

“No,” Levi said. “I’ve thought about offering, but I know he wouldn’t actually talk about anything. He would probably just collect information and translate it into our lives. Maybe suggest that to your wife. Just tell her to go and listen.” 

“I’ve already done that. I don’t know what she wants from me,” Stephen said. 

“What do you mean?” Stephen went silent for a minute, and Levi heard the strike of lighter. He guessed that Stephen decided a cigarette sounded good too. Levi looked at what was left of his cigarette in his hand. It wasn’t enough. He tossed the butt in the can and lit another one. 

“I think she wants a divorce,” Stephen said. Levi’s eyebrows raised while his dragged. 

“What? Why?” Smoke puffed out of Levi’s mouth with the short words. 

“She slept on the couch last night,” Stephen said. “I didn’t realize she was in there until this morning.” 

“Oh,” Levi cleared his throat. “So that’s why you’ve been smoking all day?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Did you ask her why she didn’t come to bed?” 

“No,” Stephen said. Levi nodded. 

“Give me a minute to think,” he said. Levi leaned back in his chair and dragged on his cigarette. _“What would Erwin do?”_  Levi imagined Erwin walking into the living room, finding him asleep on the couch when he should be in bed instead. _“Wake him up for breakfast. But I have to go to work. Ask what’s wrong in an indirect way. Don’t allow the situation to gain emotional power. Go on a date. Romance. Struggling relationships need more attention.”_ Levi dragged on his cigarette again. He exhaled. “Do you have money for a date night this week?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Including a sitter?” 

“Yeah. So, take her out on a date?” 

“Pretend she’s new,” Levi suggested. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Pretend she’s a new girlfriend.” 

“We’ve been married for five years, Landon,” Stephen argued. 

“That’s how Erwin and I made it work,” Levi explained. “We pretended to be new. And on some level, we were strangers anyway. He didn’t know me when I was high. And then I hid from him for so long that we might as well not have known each other at all.” 

“His name is Erwin? I don’t think I’ve ever heard of anyone named that before.” 

“Focus, Stephen.” 

“Right. Sorry. Anyway, but you two were,” Stephen thought about his words for a minute. “It’s a special case isn’t it? Didn’t he write you and wait on you for two years?” 

“Yeah. So?” 

“My wife wouldn’t do that for me.” 

“But you would do that for her,” Levi said. “Wouldn’t you?” Stephen was quiet. “You know what I love about Erwin? As fucked up as I am, he makes it obvious that he still wants me. I’m the biggest priority of his entire day. With Erwin, I’m not a recovering addict. I’m Le- Landon. There are times with him that I completely forget about dope, even if it’s just for a few minutes when I’m fucking him stupid. And if you’re in your basement getting high all day after she spent the night on the couch, she’s not feeling important right now. And neither are you, really.” 

“You fucked him stupid?” Stephen asked, a laugh in his voice. 

“You’re getting distracted.” Levi hoped that Stephen was distracted enough by the sexual comment. Levi almost called himself the wrong name. If Stephen noticed, Levi had no idea how to cover it up.

“Sorry, dude. Pot does that to me sometimes,” Stephen said. “I didn’t know what to say to her. I wanted to ask, but I thought I would just piss her off for asking.” 

“And you might have, I don’t know,” Levi said. “But either she’s spent all day cooling off or simmering. So, no matter what reaction you get, pursue her. Make her feel like she’s the most important part of your day. Pretend she’s a new girl, and you’re trying to fuck her for the first time again.” 

“We were in college though. I can’t recreate that for her.” 

“There are public places to eat on campus,” Levi said with a grin. “Take her over there to eat.” 

“What?” 

“Yeah,” Levi nodded. “Try it. Just see what happens. And then take a romantic stroll or some shit. Feel her up in an alley between the dorms.” 

“Where do you come up with this shit?” 

“That’s what Erwin would do,” Levi said. “He’s a sucker for nostalgia.” Stephen was quiet while he thought about it. Levi dragged on his cigarette. 

“Remind her of who I was before dope,” Stephen mused. 

“Exactly,” Levi said, exhaling smoke. “You’ve both changed, and that’s fine. But it would be fun to go back to the campus again. Pretend you never started pills. You never had your accident at work. You don’t have kids or bills. Just be college students together again. Fake it until you make it.” 

“She smoked pot in college too,” Stephen said. 

“Is there someone who can keep the kids overnight?” 

“Yeah. I was just thinking that,” Stephen said. “Come home after dinner and smoke together. Or drink. Watch some Netflix. Shit, I don’t remember the last time we had a whole night to ourselves.” 

“Surprise her,” Levi suggested. “Don’t tell her where you’re going to eat, but pick a place you know for a fact she loves.” The back door opened, and Levi lifted his head to see Erwin walking out of the back door. He was only wearing his gray sweatpants. Levi’s eyes automatically dropped the tattoo on Erwin’s chest, the one on his arm, and darted back up to Erwin’s face. When Erwin stepped down onto the porch, his eyebrows drew together in discomfort. Concern flooded Levi’s brain, but he needed to focus. Stephen needed him more than Erwin at the moment. 

“Yeah. I already know where I’m going to take her,” Stephen said. “I need to go. I’m going to go ask if she needs help with anything. She’ll say no, but I asked.” 

“Right,” Levi said, looking away from Erwin. Erwin walked over to Levi’s chair and stood next to him. “No matter what she says or does, you focus on being excellent. If you do everything you’re supposed to do as a husband, and she still decides that she’s done, then it’s not your fault at that point. Remember?” 

“Yes,” Stephen said. “Thanks, Landon. It’s easy to forget.” 

“I know. Text me and let me know how date night goes.” 

“I will. Thanks, man.” 

“No problem. Any time.” Levi waited until he heard Stephen hang up. He took his phone away from his ear and ended the call, dropping the phone on the chair. Levi looked up at Erwin who was standing next to him. “Do you want a cigarette?” 

“Yes, please,” Erwin said. Levi opened his pack and took a cigarette out. Holding his own half spent cigarette in one hand, Levi put Erwin’s cigarette between his lips and lit it. When he handed it over, Erwin put the cigarette directly to his mouth and dragged. Levi dragged on his own cigarette, watching Erwin’s face. 

“Round two?” 

“Maybe next year,” Erwin muttered. Levi grinned up at him. “For my birthday, perhaps.” 

“Are you that sore?” Levi asked, concern laced in his voice. Erwin shook his head quickly. 

“No, no, not at all,” Erwin said. “But if I go through that much oxygen deprivation more than once a year, I might not be a very good teacher anymore.” Levi smiled and looked away from Erwin, down to his own lap, to hide the heat in his cheeks. He switched his cigarette to his left hand and raised his right hand to Erwin’s ass. He patted gently a couple of times. 

“Whatever you want,” Levi said, leaving his hand where he planted it. 

“Is the person that you’re sponsoring alright?” Erwin asked. Levi dropped his hand and rested it in his lap. Erwin ran his hand through Levi’s hair, still craving a bit of physical attention. Levi leaned his head back when Erwin’s fingers grazed against his scalp. 

“He’s alright,” Levi muttered. “If he talked to his wife as much as he talked to me, he would be better.” Levi closed his eyes and savored the feeling of Erwin’s thick fingers running through his hair. When the craving for another hit of nicotine coated his mouth, he opened his eyes and dragged on the cigarette in his hand. 

“I appreciate what we have,” Erwin said. Levi’s eyes darted up to Erwin’s face, and Erwin’s hand stopped moving in his hair. The look on Levi’s face was deadpan, but his lips tightened. “I don’t have to explain myself to you.” Levi’s facial expression softened. 

“I’m guessing you’ve had trouble with that before.” 

“Many times.” Erwin watched Levi’s facial expression as it relaxed even more. He wondered why Levi still had such strange reactions to tender words. 

“I’m hungry,” Levi said. He tossed his cigarette into the butt can. 

“Let’s order out so we don’t have to mess up your kitchen,” Erwin suggested. He took his hand away from Levi’s hair and dragged on his cigarette again. Levi squinted his eyes while he thought about what he wanted to eat. 

“Cheeseburgers,” Levi mumbled. He looked up at Erwin and nodded. The sides of Erwin’s lips tilted up and he nodded in return. 

“That’s what I want too,” Erwin exhaled smoke. "Can you stay tonight?"

"Yeah. I was planning to," Levi said. "I mean," he paused. "That's not entirely true. When I came over here, I didn't plan to stay, but I am now." Levi looked up at Erwin towering over him. He wanted Erwin to know that he was making an effort to be honest. Even if he lied to so many other people, he still felt the deep need to be true to his Commander. That's the only way that he was going to be able to keep him. 

"I understand," Erwin said. He hoped that Levi interpreted those words to mean trust. The softer look in Levi's silver eyes told Erwin everything he needed to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Sithiere for beta reading this for me. 
> 
> While he's cleaning, Levi is listening to [People Equal Shit by Slipknot](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRf8Fg0GFg8). He specifically finds the lyrics " _Stop your bitching and fight your way through it!_ " to be very encouraging.
> 
>  
> 
> [Tumblr](http://valisi-clark.tumblr.com)


	17. November 13, 2014

_Levi's back arched from the bed when Erwin pushed inside of him. It hurt more than he remembered, and he tensed. In the dimly lit room, Levi opened his eyes and searched for Erwin's blue gaze. He saw that Erwin was moving, but the pain didn't increase. If anything, the pain seemed to be melting away. He liked how Erwin's hair moved over his face with every thrust. The ambient light caught Erwin's irises, and the blue glow in his eyes was savage._

_Erwin dipped his head and pressed his mouth to Levi's. At first, the kiss was tender and familiar. But then Levi felt pain bloom along his bottom lip followed by the metallic taste of blood. A low growl rumbled in Erwin's chest before he broke the kiss. Levi opened his eyes again and saw Erwin's red lips spread in a wide smile. An abrupt wave of pleasure ran through Levi's stomach and hips. He gasped for air and shuddered. Reaching up, he wrapped his hands around Erwin's biceps and squeezed. But his hands felt weak._

_“Levi,” Erwin muttered. Levi closed his eyes and his jaw dropped. He didn't recognize the pleasure he was feeling. There wasn't enough heat or intensity to call the sensation in his groin an orgasm. But it felt similar. His entire body felt warm and tingly. And he wanted more._

_"Harder, Erwin,” Levi whispered. Erwin's speed increased, and Levi felt his body attempting to respond. The knot tightening in his stomach was slow but gaining intensity. Erwin lowered himself onto his elbows and wrapped his hand around the back of Levi's neck. The grip on his nape was strong, but Levi cherished the tightness. He was going to come without Erwin touching his cock. Levi wrapped his arms around Erwin and scraped his fingernails down Erwin's scarred back. He savored every raised slice of flesh, knowing it marked another time that Erwin had been immortal._

_“Just like that, darling,” Erwin breathed against Levi's neck. Levi's eyelids creased and his eyebrows furrowed._

_“Fuck,” he whimpered._

_“Levi.” Levi dug his fingernails into Erwin's lower back when he felt the orgasm overwhelm him. It wasn't powerful or fast, but he felt some drool run past the corner of his mouth. The liquid heat spread between their bodies. Erwin gasped for air and groaned against the skin of Levi's neck. He shuddered with the next few thrusts before he stopped moving completely. Levi opened his eyes and blinked a few times, looking at the blond head resting against him. Feeling relieved and tired, he closed his eyes again and bit his sore bottom lip, hands dropping away from Erwin's biceps to the bed._

_Levi felt Erwin raise up, away from him, but he was too tired to open his eyes to see what Erwin was doing. When he felt a pinch in the crook of his left elbow, Levi's eyes shot open. He looked down and saw that Erwin was pressing the needle of a syringe under his skin, into a vein. There was even a rubber band around his bicep that he didn't remember being there only seconds before. Erwin pressed the plunger down until have the syringe was half full. Then, he pulled the needle out of Levi's skin. A little droplet of blood pooled against the injection site. Erwin tugged on the edge of the rubber band around Levi's arm until it released. Levi sat up in bed. He felt dizzy already, but his body was attempting a fight or flight response._

_“Erwin-” Erwin turned the needle around and stabbed himself in his own left arm. He hit a vein without the assistance of a tourniquet. Levi saw the blood rush into the syringe before Erwin pressed the plunger until it bottomed out. The room began spinning. Briefly, his vision darkened and he realized that he had closed his eyes. He felt Erwin's mouth on his lips again. The kiss was quick and weak. When Erwin pulled back, Levi opened his eyes and saw that Erwin's blue irises were dull, no longer burning in the dim room. The sight was interrupted by Erwin falling down onto the bed, his head landing between Levi's spread legs. Levi blinked his heavy eyelids and looked down at Erwin's blond head. Panic made a desperate attempt to rush up his spine, but it became diluted with chemical euphoria and disorientation. Involuntarily, a stupid smile spread across Levi's face._

_“Levi,” Erwin mumbled. “You never.. told me how good...” Levi's eyes rolled in his head for a moment. He opened his eyelids again and looked down at Erwin. Erwin pressed his forehead into the inside of Levi's thigh. The desire to run his fingers through Erwin's hair was strong, but Levi felt like he couldn't sit up anymore. He allowed himself to fall back on the bed, and he stared blankly at the ceiling in the dark._

_“Erwin,” Levi said. He huffed out a breathy laugh. He had never been so confused before. Erwin was high between his legs, and Levi knew he should be responding negatively. But he felt too happy to be upset. “Can you hear me?”_

_“I...can feel... everything,” Erwin slurred._

_“Erwin... do you love me?”_

_“It's everywhere.”_

Levi sat up in bed and gasped for air. The room was too dark for him to see, and that only made him more frantic. _“It's Erwin's room,”_ he told himself. _“Calm down. You're in Erwin's room. You're okay.”_ Levi moved in the bed, hung his legs over the edge and doubled over, running his hands into his hair. Nausea rolled his stomach, and he was drenched in cold sweat. Then, he heard Erwin's gentle snoring behind him. He blinked his eyes rapidly, clearing them of tears and trying to adjust to the dark room. Levi sniffled and cringed when he swallowed. The mucus that had collected in the back of his throat almost choked him. He cleared his throat and swallowed again.

Taking his hands out of his hair, Levi rubbed his wet face. His hands and chest were tingling. Once he wiped his face off, he shook his hands to try and stop the tingling. It didn't help. He reached over to the nightstand and turned on the screen of his phone. The clock read 4:00. Levi rolled his eyes and put his phone face down again. It was too early to take his methadone. Panic that had collected in his chest began to ease, but it left him with an empty feeling. More tears pushed over his bottom eyelids. Frustrated, Levi wiped at his face again.

 _“Stop crying,”_ Levi told himself. _“You're a mother fucking Marine, Landon, stop crying.”_ He took a breath and held it until his chest hurt. Then, he released the breath slowly and blinked. Tears continued to push past his eyelids, and he sniffled again. Levi put his hands down on either side of his thighs. He closed his eyes, trying to self soothe. _“It was a dream. Stop crying and sniveling. It was just a fucking dream. Erwin's fine.”_ He cleared his mind and focused on the sound of Erwin's gentle breathing behind him. The ugly sensation of craving opium was slowly building in Levi's chest. He clenched his teeth together, trying to focus only on the sound of Erwin's breathing. After a few minutes, Levi matched Erwin's pace of inhaling and exhaling. It helped, but he was still having trouble fighting the need to get high. _“I can call Logan. He has Xanax- No! No. We're not doing that. It's not worth it.”_ Levi gritted his teeth and furrowed his eyebrows in determination. He gripped the edge of the mattress tightly. _“It's not worth it,”_ Levi repeated in his head. _“Think about something else. Distract yourself. It will pass”_ Levi swallowed and racked his brain for something to think about. _“You called yourself Landon. Landon is a junkie. You aren't Landon today. Today you're Levi. My name is Levi Ackerman. I'm the Captain of the Survey Corps division of the military. I have subordinates. I have a Commander. I'm the strongest soldier in the Corps. I can kill nine Titans single handedly. I'll follow Erwin. He can see everything. He knows everything. He knows me. He saved my life.”_ That final thought stopped Levi's thoughts for a moment. He hadn't saved Erwin's life. The need to get high had been suppressed until that moment.

“Damn it,” Levi breathed with a whimper. He lifted his hands and hid his eyes in his palms. _“I can't fucking do it. I fucked up. I should've gone slower. I fucked up, and I let him die.”_ He took a heavy breath and released a broken exhale. The tears still hadn't stopped, and they forced their way beyond his palms. _“Fuck, Erwin, I'm sorry. I can't do it. I need it. You don't know how badly I need it.”_ Levi lifted his head from his hands. He picked up his phone and disconnected the charging cord. When he disconnected the charger, his phone beeped, and he knew it would wake Erwin up. Levi turned off the phone screen. He waited. Erwin's breathing changed. _“Shit!”_

“Levi,” Erwin muttered. Automatically, Levi sniffled trying to clear his nose so he could speak. He shouldn't have done that. Erwin shouldn't have to hear him sniffling like a child. He certainly wasn't going to let Erwin see him cry. “Hurry and go pee,” Erwin whispered. “You're so cold you're shaking.” Levi looked down at his hands and saw that he was shaking. But he didn't feel cold. “Hurry, darling.” Levi put his phone back down on the nightstand and stood from the bed. When he walked, he felt a bit unstable, wobbly even, but he made it to the bathroom soon enough. He walked through the dark room to the toilet room and closed the door behind him. Turning on the light, Levi lifted the toilet lid and seat. He sniffed again and closed his eyes. He really did have to piss, but he was too upset to tell his bladder to relax. It took a few minutes for him to be able to focus.

Once he started urinating, the physical relief helped soothe him some more. He let out a heavy breath when he was finished and shook his cock a couple of times before he flushed. Not bothering to put the lid and seat back down, Levi turned in the room, tapping the light off and opening the door. He walked over to the counter in the dark and felt around for the bathroom sink tap. When he turned the water on, Levi washed his hands and splashed some water against his face before he turned off the water. The tears had stopped. Focusing on what Erwin had told him to do had distracted him long enough to calm down. After wiping his face on a hand towel and drying his hands, Levi walked out of the bathroom and went back to his side of the bed.

Laying down, Levi rolled over and faced Erwin. Erwin reached out, wrapped his arm around Levi's back and pulled him closer. He pulled Levi so close that Levi got a face full of Erwin's of blond chest hair. Levi pulled his head back, puffing out a few breaths of air.

“Don't smother me,” Levi mumbled.

“Sorry,” Erwin muttered. Levi wiggled in the bed until he was higher and pressed his face against the crook of Erwin's neck. Erwin pulled the sheets up higher and tighter around them. “Your skin is so cold.”

“Warm me up,” Levi whispered against Erwin's skin. Levi blinked, his dark eyelashes brushing against Erwin's skin.

“Close your eyes, Levi, you're tickling me.” Levi blinked his eyes rapidly, pulling a gentle chuckle from Erwin's throat. Pressing closer, trying to steal Erwin's warmth, Levi closed his eyes and released a relieved breath. Erwin leaned back and pressed a kiss to the top of Levi's head. He held the kiss a moment before he pulled away and resumed their previous snuggling. “Levi,” Erwin breathed. “Talk to me.” Levi opened his eyelids again. His eyes darted back and forth while he thought about what to say. So far, Erwin hadn't asked for any details. He had been patient. But Levi knew that the lack of information was tearing Erwin apart on the inside. Erwin leaned back far enough to look down at Levi. Levi tilted his head up when he felt Erwin looking down at him. In the dark, he couldn't see the details of Erwin's face, but he knew Erwin well enough to know that his blue eyes would be searching for answers.

“You should sleep some more while you can,” Levi suggested. Curiosity was stronger for Erwin than caffeine. His mind was racing with possibilities. Erwin leaned down in the dark and found Levi's mouth with his own. He pressed his lips firmly against Levi's and wrapped his hand around the back of Levi's neck. Automatically, he brushed his thumb against the rough undercut. Levi pulled back just enough to separate his mouth from Erwin's. “Erwin.” 

“Hmm?” 

“Tell me about the horse farm,” Levi whispered. They were silent in the dark for a moment. While Erwin hadn't necessarily been trying to spark intimacy between them with the kiss, Levi seemed overstimulated. Erwin pulled back a bit more to give him some room to breathe. But Levi only leaned in closer, refusing to have any distance between them. He was too desperate to hear Erwin's strong heart beat and feel his chest rise and fall with air. Levi hated that he felt that way, but after seeing Erwin high, he needed to feel close to him again. He needed to know that it was only a dream. 

“The horse farm,” Erwin muttered. 

“The one we’re going to build together after we win the war.” 

“Oh,” Erwin breathed. “ _Our_ horse farm.” He felt Levi nod against him. Brushing his thumb against Levi’s undercut, Erwin cleared his throat gently. “If we’re going to have a horse farm, we’re going to need a couple of horses. But horses are expensive. So, we’ll have to steal a couple of them along with a cart of supplies. Then, we can ride for a few days until we find a patch of land we like.” Erwin paused. His brain was trying to demand more sleep from him. 

“Near a water source,” Levi whispered, reminding Erwin of how the story was supposed to go. Erwin opened his eyes and blinked a few times to try and wake himself up some more. 

“Preferably, near the river,” Erwin agreed. “Then, we’ll build the barn for the horses to live in, a small one, a barn for two. And we’ll sleep in the clean hay in the loft at night until we’re able to build a home. What kind of home do you want to build?”

“Something small, easy to clean. But I want indoor plumbing.” 

“Such expensive taste,” Erwin commented quietly. 

“It doesn’t need a water heater,” Levi whispered defensively. “I just don’t want to go outside to take a shit in a hole.” 

“We could build an earth toilet for you while we’re installing the plumbing,” Erwin offered. He felt Levi’s eyelashes brushing against his neck while Levi took a minute to think. Then, the hairs on the back of his neck stood up when he felt moisture against his skin. For some reason, there were still tears dropping from Levi's eyes, running in streams against Erwin's neck. He didn't know why Levi was weeping against him, but he guessed it had been a nightmare. Curiosity continued to burn in Erwin's chest, but talking about their plans from their first life soothed him. Sleep was working its way back through his muscles, causing Erwin to feel more relaxed. 

“I guess that’s not so bad,” Levi muttered. 

“Levi,” Erwin breathed. 

“Yeah.” 

“Let’s really do that this time,” Erwin whispered. He ran his fingers into Levi’s dark hair, savoring the feeling of the silky, thin locks. 

“Do we have to build everything ourselves?” Levi asked. Erwin chuckled gently. 

“No,” Erwin whispered. “We can save up some money to have it done correctly.” 

“Let's have barn cats too,” Levi suggested. 

“That's new.” 

“We couldn't have fed them the first time. But we can afford them now.” 

“Horses and cats are going to be a lot of work,” Erwin muttered. Levi pressed a kiss against Erwin's neck, smudging the tears against his skin. 

“We'll make it work.” Involuntarily, Erwin yawned heavily. Levi closed his eyes and nuzzled his face into Erwin. “Let's sleep some more.” 

“Are you able to?” 

“I'll be able to sleep if we stay this way,” Levi muttered. Erwin resisted the temptation to wrap his arms tighter around Levi. Numbness was already working its way into Erwin's right arm. He hated sleeping on his right side, but he was willing to deal with the irritation for Levi. Erwin dipped his head and pressed a kiss into Levi's hair. He didn't pull his face away from Levi's hair once he broke the kiss. Erwin slowly drifted back to sleep, and Levi relaxed in his arms when he heard Erwin's deeper breaths. 

Levi opened his eyes once, but closed them quickly when he remembered that his eyelashes had tickled Erwin earlier. He focused on their shared fantasy of a quiet life, away from everyone, free of Titans, free of dope, resting for the remainder of their lives together. The calm images flashing in his mind lulled him back to sleep. 

******

Erwin's alarm on his phone began ringing an hour later. The sound woke up Erwin gently, but he startled a bit when he felt Levi growling against him. Then, the numbness in his right arm had become a stinging pain with his consciousness. Erwin winced and pulled away from Levi. It didn't take much convincing for Levi to roll over on his other side and fluff his pillow under his head. 

Slowly, Erwin rolled over in bed and sat up. He reached over and turned off the alarm with his left hand. Once the noise had been silenced, he put his left hand to his right arm and massaged, trying to wake up the limb. The pain was nothing in comparison to having his arm bitten off or the phantom limb that followed. Rather than pain, it was actually an extreme discomfort. Erwin sighed, closed his eyes and continued to work his hand over the arm while the circulation was restored. He stood from the bed, still massaging his arm while he walked to the bathroom. 

A hot shower helped the tingling in Erwin's arm disappear, and he had completely forgotten about the discomfort while he was brushing his teeth and styling his hair. It was tempting to stay home with Levi for the day, and he took the time to consider what he would be missing if he chose to call out sick. He stared into the mirror at his reflection while he mentally checked his schedule. 

_“I have a test today,”_ Erwin remembered. _“But I know the students wouldn't mind taking it tomorrow.”_ He narrowed his eyes at himself in the mirror while he thought about the monthly schedule. _“Too close to Thanksgiving.”_ That was all of the convincing he needed. Erwin turned away from the bathroom mirror and left the bathroom, going to the closet to dress. While he walked through the dark room, he glanced over at the bed and saw that Levi was no longer laying down. The bedroom door was open too. 

Erwin dressed and left the bedroom, walking down the hall in his sock feet and listening. He couldn't hear Levi moving in the house at all. When he walked into the main part of the house, he looked into the kitchen and saw a microwaved breakfast sandwich with a cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen island. Instinctively, Erwin walked to the back door and opened it, looking out onto the porch. 

Levi was sitting in his chair legs criss-crossed in front of him, smoking a cigarette. The daily meditation book was open in his lap, and he had a steaming mug in his other hand. He was wearing his sweatpants and the hoodie from two years prior, which looked smaller on him than it had before he gained his muscles back. When he turned around and looked at Erwin, he exhaled smoke. 

“Good morning,” Levi said. 

“Good morning, darling,” Erwin said. 

“Breakfast is on the counter.” 

“Thank you. Are you hungry?” Levi shook his head, holding up his cigarette.

“I'm having my breakfast.” Erwin gave him a gentle smile before he stepped back and closed the door. He went over to the kitchen island, sat down and ate while reading Reddit on his phone. Once his sandwich was gone, he checked the news and weather. It was freezing outside, and he worried about Levi getting sick from being in the cold with minimal clothing. But he heard the back door open then. 

Levi walked through the house to the kitchen island and pulled out his stool. He sat down, setting his half full mug of tea on the counter. Putting his elbows on the counter, Levi leaned forward. Erwin laid his phone down on the island and looked over at Levi. 

“Thank you for breakfast,” Erwin said. 

“You're welcome.” 

“How do you feel?” Erwin asked. Levi nodded before he looked at Erwin, meeting his eyes. 

“It's going to get better,” Levi said. “Some of the edge,” Levi paused, squinting his eyes. “It's not gone. It's just better.” 

“That's good enough,” Erwin said. His eyes glanced over Levi's pale hands before he returned his gaze to the gray irises. “What was the meditation today?” Levi broke eye contact and shook his head. 

“Something about sharing your story,” Levi said. “Telling other people what you've been through to inspire them or giving them something to relate to.” Erwin nodded. “I didn't really understand it. I'll read it again later.” 

“You've never shared your story before? To help someone?” Erwin asked. 

“I can't tell half of it,” Levi said. “Some of the most important parts are,” he shrugged. “You know. I either can't tell that part of the story, or I have to lie about it so people don't think I'm crazy. And addicts get enough shit from people about being crazy in the first place.” Erwin reached out and put his hand on Levi's forearm. Levi moved his arm until his hand was under Erwin's. They laced their fingers together. 

“You inspire me every day,” Erwin said. “But I have a feeling that one day someone is going to need to hear the entire story.” Levi swallowed and looked at Erwin. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I know there are more of us out there. I can feel it,” Erwin said. “Statistically, out of all of everyone we knew back then, there has to be at least one other soldier who has experienced an addiction.” The tension around Levi's eyes softened. Erwin rubbed his thumb against Levi's hand and gave him a smile. “Your story is important, Levi. But it's important for the right person. Not everyone deserves to hear it.” Levi broke eye contact with Erwin, and his eyes lost focus while he thought about the words. He raised his free hand to his mouth and chewed on his thumb nail while he thought. A few moments later, he realized what he was doing and pulled his thumb out of his mouth. He grimaced at his hand before he put it back down. “Darling,” Erwin said. Levi looked at him. “I have to go now.” Levi nodded. He pulled his hand away from Erwin's, and they both stood from the bar stools. Levi followed Erwin into the mudroom and leaned against the door frame, watching Erwin put on his black leather dress shoes. They needed polishing. 

Erwin stood from the bench and adjusted his clothes once more. He stepped over to Levi and leaned down. They kissed quickly a few times. When Erwin leaned away, he saw the needy look in Levi's eyes. He didn't know what it meant, but he wished he could stay. 

“Have a good day,” Levi said. “Teach those brats a lesson.” Erwin smiled down at him, showing his white teeth. 

“Call me or text me if you want to,” Erwin said. 

“I will,” Levi said. Erwin leaned down for one more kiss before he turned. Grabbing his school bag and keys, he opened the door to the garage. Levi followed him and stood in the doorway while he watched Erwin get into the vehicle and back out. Once the garage door closed again, Levi shut the door to the mudroom and sat down on the bench. He leaned over and rested his elbows on his knees. Some of the craving still had not subsided. His body just didn't feel as warm as it did when he was on a higher dose. 

_“One minute at a time,”_ Levi reminded himself. _“You took it too far yesterday. You did too much. Right now, if Erwin was here he would tell you to eat something. Then- no. Eat something. Just do that. After food, think of the next thing. This is your time to rest. Eat first.”_ Levi nodded, settling on how he wanted to tackle the day. He stood from the bench and walked out of the mudroom. 

 

******

_Levi: Do you need me to bring you some lunch?_

_Erwin: I bought lunch in the cafeteria. Thank you though._

_Levi: Dinner is in the crock pot when you get home it will be finished at six_

_Erwin: Are you staying for dinner?_

_Levi: I'm about to leave your house_

_Erwin: What’s in the crock pot? You're going back to your place?_

_Levi: Roast. I have a meeting tonight._

_Erwin: Will you come back home this weekend?_

_Levi: Yes_

_Erwin: Be careful while you're driving._

_Levi: Okay dad_

_Erwin: Daddy_

_Levi: What?_

_Erwin: It's Daddy or nothing._

_Levi: Kinky fucker_

_Erwin: Call me before bed?_

_Levi: Yeah_

******

At midnight, Erwin was laying in bed with his phone on his chest. Levi still had not called. He had been resting his eyes, but he opened them and checked the time on his phone. 

_“What happened?”_ Erwin wondered. He unlocked his screen and went to his call logs. After tapping Levi's name, he held the phone up to his ear. The phone rang, and the only answer Erwin heard was the robotic voice of Levi's voicemail. He pulled the phone away from his ear and squinted at it. Ending the call, Erwin pulled up Levi's text messages next. 

_Erwin: Are you okay?_

He stared at the phone, waiting for a reply. But the screen turned off before Levi responded. With a huff of irritation, Erwin leaned over and turned out the lamp on his nightstand. Rather than plugging up his phone to charge, Erwin unlocked it again and began reading. He was tired, but he wanted to give Levi time to respond. Twenty minutes later, Erwin startled when his phone sounded in his hand. He closed the web browser and opened Levi's message. 

_Levi: Sorry_

_Erwin: It's fine. Did you fall asleep?_

_Levi: No_

_Erwin: Is something wrong?_

_Levi: Rough meeting_

_Erwin: I don't blame you for not wanting to talk then. Should we say good night?_

Erwin waited for Levi's response, but was surprised by Levi's name lighting up his phone with an incoming call. He swiped to answer it. Putting the phone to his ear, Erwin smiled. 

“Hello.” 

“Why do you have to be so fucking perfect all of the time?” Levi asked, not a drop of aggression in his tone. 

“I don't try to be,” Erwin said. “We don't have to talk about anything. But I like hearing your voice before I go to sleep.” 

“I should've come back over there tonight,” Levi said. 

“You can come over now,” Erwin suggested. “I'll wait up for you.” 

“I need to go to work in the morning.” 

“Ah,” Erwin said. “But then it's the weekend.” 

“Yep.” Levi cleared his throat. 

“Last cigarette before bed?” 

“Uh huh.” 

“The roast was delicious,” Erwin said. “I hurt myself a little while I was trying to eat all of it.” Levi let out a deep chuckle into the phone. “What did you season it with?” 

“Nothing special. Salt, pepper, paprika, some other random stuff in your cabinet that smelled good.” 

“You season by smell?” 

“That's how my mom did it,” Levi said. “I would stand in the kitchen and watch her smell every single spice she had, looking for what she was missing.” Erwin smiled at the image. “I added pickled jalapeno juice to it too.” 

“That's what I tasted,” Erwin commented. “I knew there was a vinegar taste, but I couldn't place it. You're a culinary wonder.” Levi scoffed. 

“Comes from eating cheap food for so long,” Levi said. “You can make dirt taste good if you spice it enough. We ate Chicken Alfredo once a week when I was growing up. Canned chicken, cheap noodles and jar sauce. But my mom called it something different every time because she spiced it differently.” 

“Which one was your favorite?” 

“Which Alfredo?” 

“Yeah.” 

“The one with cumin in it, surprisingly,” Levi said. “Cumin and jalapeno juice.” 

“Huh,” Erwin said. “That's an interesting combination for Italian food.” 

“Well, yeah, but it tasted different,” Levi said. “I wasn't bored.” 

“I suppose not.” 

“What did you eat as a kid?” 

“Healthy stuff,” Erwin grunted. Levi smiled at the tone of his voice. 

“So no pizza rolls or Lunchables for you, huh,” Levi said. 

“No,” Erwin said. “Just meat and vegetables. Horrible home cooked food, carefully crafted by a grandmother hands.” 

“What was your favorite?” Erwin hummed while he took a moment to think. 

“Oh,” Erwin said, remembering. “On Fridays, she would wake up early and pan fry potatoes for my school lunch. But I could only have them if I ate red cabbage with apples with dinner the night before.” 

“Red cabbage and apples?” Levi asked. “What kind of combination is that?” 

“A German combination,” Erwin said. “My governess was German.” 

_“Governess?”_ Levi wondered. _“Not your own grandmother's hands?”_ He dragged on his cigarette again before he asked another question. “What's her name?” 

“Her name was Gisela,” Erwin said. Levi caught Erwin's use of past tense. “When I was very young, I called her Lady because I couldn't pronounce her name. But when I grew a bit older I added her first initial to that. So, she became Lady G for a while. And when I became a teenager, I finally began addressing her properly and calling her Frau Gisela.” 

“What's Frau?” 

“Ms. Gisela, in German,” Erwin explained. 

“She taught you German?” 

“Some,” Erwin said. “She was very proud of her English, and she preferred to use it. But I heard enough German from her to pick up a few words. There were times that I spent holidays with her family instead of flying to where ever my parents were at the time, and sometimes her adult children would teach me a few words. And I'll never forget the look of joy on her face when I told her I was going to be stationed in Germany while I was in the Army.” 

“She was proud?” 

“Immensely,” Erwin said. “So proud that she claimed that her grandchildren were very jealous when she spoke of me.” Levi laughed. 

“Poor brats,” Levi said. 

“She called them that too. One year during Christmas, one of her grandchildren made some rude comment towards me. I don't even remember what he said. Frau Gisela reminded him that I was the one paying for his Christmas presents from her, much to my embarrassment. I tried not to spend holidays with her after that,” Erwin said. 

“She sounds like she was a real spitfire,” Levi commented. 

“Oh, she was,” Erwin said. “There were very few times that I ever truly saw her angry, but when her tempered flared, I hid from her. Or apologized profusely. Whatever the situation called for.” Levi yawned, and Erwin waited for him to complete it. 

“What did she get pissed off about the most?” Levi cleared his throat, tossing his spent cigarette in the red plastic cup beside his bed. 

“I'm feeling rather tired, Levi,” Erwin muttered. Levi lifted one of his eyebrows in curiosity. He heard Erwin yawn, as if to emphasize the point. 

“Can you stay awake for a few more minutes? I want to talk to you about something,” Levi said. 

“Yes, I can,” Erwin said. 

“Tonight in group, I shared the nightmare I had this morning, and it has been suggested to me that I should share it with you,” Levi said. Erwin nodded. He waited. “But it's fucked up.” Erwin pulled his phone away from his ear when a quiet notification sounded through the ear piece. He had received an email. “So, I just emailed it to you. That's why it took so long to call you. I was trying to write it.” Erwin put the phone back to his ear. 

“Do you have time for me to read it and verbally respond?” Erwin asked. 

“Yeah. Go ahead.” 

“Thank you,” Erwin said. He pulled the phone away from his ear and activated speakerphone. Minimizing Levi's phone call, he pulled up the email. 

Erwin's blue eyes flashed across the words quickly. He read through the email, which had a lot of graphic detail, and a tingling in his spine began. When he had finished reading, he read it again, slower. After the second reading, Erwin closed his eyes and thought about what he needed to say. He was coming up blank. Sleep and concern were clouding his brain. 

_“Why was I the one holding the syringe?”_ Erwin wondered. _“Because I'm the one who needed it in our first life? That doesn't really match. The syringe is power to him. I'm the more powerful one this time, and I held the syringe. And I was fucking him. I split his lip between my teeth. But I passed out in front of him. He's the source of drugs.”_

“Erwin.” 

“Just a moment, darling,” Erwin muttered into the phone. He opened his eyes and tapped the speakerphone button to turn it off. Putting the phone back to his ear, Erwin closed his eyes again and continued thinking. _“It's a power dream? Besides drugs I'm the most powerful force in his life. But didn't I lose that power when I was high?”_ Erwin furrowed his brows and opened his eyes. “Levi?” 

“Yeah,” Levi grumbled. 

“Did anyone in your meeting have any insight about this?” 

“A couple of other people mentioned they had dreamed something similar about a partner or family member,” Levi said. “Someone suggested that they think I'm worried about influencing you somehow. That didn't really sound right.” Erwin heard the strike of a lighter. 

“It's a dream about power struggle, I think,” Erwin said. He let the words sink in for Levi. They were quiet while they considered what Levi's subconscious was trying to tell him.

“Yeah?” 

“I think so,” Erwin said. “I was in a dominant position during sex. I was the one who gave you the drug. I chose to inject myself. And the last thing you see before you pass out is me face down in the mattress. All of that power I had is gone.” 

“We said something to each other too,” Levi said. “But I can't remember the words.” 

“You were probably waking up then.” 

“Yeah.” 

“So, what does that mean to you, Levi? Why am I the powerful one who has fallen?” Erwin asked. He waited, holding his breath, hoping that Levi would take it as a sign that it was time for them to talk about his death. They needed to finally talk about Levi's decision and get it out of the way. Erwin knew that Levi would be able to continue to recover if he could finally comes to terms what happened so long ago.

“I must have been the one to give you the dope,” Levi said. “I guess I took your power away from you.” Levi dragged on his cigarette. _“Like when I killed you,”_ Levi thought. _“I took your power away when I told you to die for us. And then I chose not to save your life.”_ When the silence passed between them too long, Erwin took a breath. 

“Thank you for sharing this with me,” Erwin said. “Do you worry about something bad happening to me?” 

“Not really,” Levi said. “It's just a dream.” 

“Right,” Erwin said. The silence was uncomfortable, and Erwin squirmed in bed. 

“Erwin-” 

“Yes,” Erwin said a little too quickly. 

“This is awkward. But I'm glad that I told you,” Levi admitted. Erwin smiled. 

“I'm glad too, darling. I'm excited to see you tomorrow,” Erwin's voice was a bit breathier than he intended. 

“Me too,” Levi said. “It's fucking late. Let's go to sleep.” 

“Alright, darling,” Erwin said. 

“Night, Erwin.” 

“Good night, Levi.” Erwin heard the call end, and he took the phone away from his ear. He plugged his phone up and put it face down on his nightstand. Settling in on his left side, Erwin swallowed heavily before he yawned again. He closed his eyes, trying to calm down. The anxiety that he felt in his back bone was continuing to build. If Levi couldn't process the trauma of letting Erwin die, then there might come a time that the emotional build up could push him into another relapse. _“Stop it,”_ Erwin told himself. _“Have faith. He's stronger than that.”_ Erwin took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. _“Don't think about that. Trust that he'll work it out on his own.”_ Erwin sat up, switched his pillow with Levi's and settled back down. He rubbed his face into Levi's pillow, absorbing the smell, before he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the link to the daily meditation website that I use to get ideas for Levi's daily readings: http://jftna.org/jft/
> 
>  
> 
> [Tumblr](http://valisi-clark.tumblr.com/)


	18. November 20, 2014

A week before Thanksgiving, Erwin was sitting on the floor in the living room at his coffee table, tests spread out in front of him. He picked up his wine glass and sipped the gewürztraminer. After he swallowed, he put his red pen to the test and marked off a few points for an incorrect answer. But then his phone rang with a text from Levi. He put his red pen and wine glass down to pick up his phone. They normally didn't text much before their nightly phone call. 

_Levi: What are your plans for Thanksgiving?_

Erwin grinned at the message. 

_Erwin: I thought we could go to Hange's house for Thanksgiving and Mike and Nanaba's house for Black Friday. Hange goes shopping. Moblit has bravely volunteered to go with her this year._

_Levi: What about your parents?_

_Erwin: I won't be seeing them._

Levi didn't immediately respond, and Erwin put his phone down. His eyes scanned over the test, and he felt a bit of disappointment. One of his best students answered incorrectly on an easy question. Just as he picked up his red pen to mark an answer incorrect, his phone rang with a phone call. Levi's name illuminated his phone. Erwin dropped the pen with a smile and answered. 

“Levi.” 

“Where are they going to be this year?” 

“I haven't heard,” Erwin said. Levi didn't speak for a few moments of stretched silence. 

“You haven't _heard_ ?” 

“My father and I are not on speaking terms currently,” Erwin explained. 

“Since when?” Levi asked, irritation already creeping into his voice.

“Last summer?” Erwin said, questioning himself. “I think we stopped speaking once I came home from France last summer.”

“Why won't that old ass fucker talk to you?” Levi snapped. Erwin chuckled gently at the sudden outburst.

“Levi, it's alright-” 

“It's not alright!”

“Darling,” Erwin said, trying to smooth Levi's hackles. “I don't want to speak to him.” Levi was quiet, thinking about how to respond to that.

“What did he do?” 

“Nothing. We've never been close. When I was a child, I only saw him occasionally. He and my mother took me to Disney World a few times. I don't want to be close with him. My mother makes up for most of it. She's a kind woman. We still talk once every few weeks when she has time.” 

On the other end of the phone, Levi was digging his fingernails into his forehead so hard he thought the skin would pop under the pressure. He pulled his hand away from his face and took a cigarette out of his pack. When he struck his lighter, it hurt his thumb because he pulled the wheel so hard. But he lit the cigarette and inhaled. From the sound of Erwin's short, clipped sentences, Levi knew that there was more to the story. 

“Levi, I really don't mind,” Erwin insisted. “In my first life, I only had my father for a few years, and he was a better father than this man.” Levi sneered at the mention of Erwin's father, trying not to let those memories surface. Erwin's pain and guilt were tied to that man. “Levi.” 

“Why isn't he talking to you?” Levi demanded. He dragged on his cigarette so hard he could hear the cherry burning the paper. Erwin didn't answer immediately, and the silence only caused Levi's anxiety to increase. 

“Let's not discuss this so close to bedtime,” Erwin said simply. Levi clenched his jaw. 

“You're not going to sleep tonight until I know,” Levi grunted. Erwin rolled his eyes and sat back from the coffee table, crossing his left arm over his chest. He leaned his back against the sofa and considered his words. Surprisingly, Levi waited patiently. Erwin's eyes scanned nothing in front of him while he collected carefully phrased sentences to use. Once he could guess how the conversation would continue, he decided that Levi didn't need to know everything to be satisfied. Too much information would only frustrate him more. 

“I'm fairly sure that he never wanted a child,” Erwin said. “Last year, he was finally willing to admit that I am his greatest inconvenience, and he suggested that we shouldn't interact.” 

“I'm going to kill him,” Levi snapped. 

“If I want an inheritance, I need him to die of natural causes, darling,” Erwin said. 

“Then, I will make it look _fucking natural_ !” 

“Levi!” The tone in Erwin's voice caused Levi's heart to skip a beat, and his eyes widened. That was his Commander. He hadn't heard that voice in so long. The depth and strength of it made his mouth dry. But he instantly felt calmer. He loved that voice, even when Erwin was less than pleased. Erwin rarely had a reason to use it anymore. “Did you understand what I said?” Levi held his breath and waited. He wanted to hear more. “I said, if I want his money, I need him to die of natural causes. Whether you were serious or not, I don't care. I need to know that you've heard what I've said. Acknowledge it.” The silence over the phone was palpable, and Levi supposed that Erwin wasn't going to give him anymore of that voice tonight. Erwin was already thinking three steps ahead in the conversation. Levi exhaled heavily. 

“I'm listening,” Levi said. Bending over his criss-crossed legs, he dragged on his cigarette while he wavered on whether he wanted to know the answer to his next question. _“This isn't about you. Ask him. Let him talk about it,”_ Levi told himself. “Why don't you want to talk to him?” he asked. 

“Because he's not a father,” Erwin said. “He's an investment. The only value I place in him is his net worth.” 

“What?” Levi furrowed his brows still not understanding Erwin's thought process.

Erwin took a deep breath and slowly exhaled it. He closed his eyes, thinking of the best way to explain to Levi how his relationship with his father worked. But he couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't make Levi even angrier. If he could relate it to their first life though, Levi might understand.

“Levi, do you remember my trips to Mitras very well? How stressful that was for me, and how defeated I was when I came home empty handed?” Erwin asked, not able to hide the frustration in his voice. He hadn't wanted to share the following information if he could avoid it.

Levi was quiet while he remembered the nights that Erwin would return from the capital, debilitated by failure. Most of the time, Erwin couldn't even verbally expressed what had happened. Sometimes it would take all night for Levi to convince Erwin to relax or go to bed. There had been times that all Levi could do for him was to sit in a nearby chair and nap, while Erwin frantically worked on paperwork or letters of reconsideration. On those nights, Levi was incapable of helping Erwin in any way besides simply being in the same room. And Erwin had always been overly grateful for something so simple. Even though he hid it well, he was desperate for support from anyone after being so thoroughly demoralized. Levi cleared his throat, wondering how that could pertain to Erwin's relationship with his father. 

“Yeah,” Levi muttered. “I remember.” He dragged on his cigarette again. 

“Imagine my father as an investor. But instead of begging him for money, I was begging for attention,” Erwin said. Levi felt like he had been punched in the gut. The image hurt so much he almost coughed when he exhaled. He clenched his teeth and wrinkled his nose in disgust. “Or even craving something as simple as an acknowledgment when I walked into the same room as him, only to be completely ignored. He made it clear how much he detested me when he wouldn't agree to live under the same roof with me. I came home from my first day of kindergarten, and the only person at home was Frau Gisela. She had to find a gentle way to explain to me that my father had moved into his vacation home, and my mother had gone with him. He forced my mother to divide her time between the two of us. I tried to create a bond with him when I was near him, but I was wasting energy. When I was a teenager, I gave up on him. I redirected that energy to build a peer group instead. The people that I choose to spend my time with are my family, Levi. I'm not obligated by blood.” Levi dragged on his cigarette and held his breath until his lungs hurt. He exhaled the smoke and thought about what Erwin had said. 

“In our first life, you entered military training when you were a teenager,” Levi commented, leading Erwin to make the connection. 

“Yes,” Erwin said. “But I wasn't destitute or at the mercy of government assistance this time. I had a caregiver. I had a mother this time too, even if she was absent often. Rather than having my father taken away from me, I let go of him. And that was the best decision that I've made for my social development. That was when my path with our first life began to truly line up.” Levi thought about Erwin's words. They resonated with him. Sometimes, he wondered what would have happened if he had insisted on following his mother. Maybe things would have turned out differently for him. He may have never tried dope in the first place. But he may have never found Erwin. If he had insisted on keeping his mother, he may have never gained the family that he had now. Levi ashed into his red plastic cup.

“It's a damn shame that you couldn't have a father,” Levi said. He frowned because he knew the words didn't sound right. That wasn't exactly what he wanted to say. 

“I have my real family,” Erwin said calmly. Warmth flooded the tone of his voice. “I have exactly what I want, Levi.” 

“Well, I want to meet that asshole one day anyway,” Levi insisted. Erwin smiled. 

“Maybe on his death bed,” Erwin offered. “But I'm afraid I'll have to insist that you leave your knife at home.” 

“It's a shitty knife anyway. If I'm going to properly kill a man, I need a pretty knife to ruin,” Levi said. Erwin shook his head in disbelief and chuckled at the image. Levi smiled even though his eyebrows were pinched together with worry. When Erwin finished laughing, he sighed contentedly. 

“You're alright with going to Hange's for Thanksgiving then?” 

“Is the food good over there?” 

“Oh, yes. We are going to contribute some side dishes as well. I'll make whatever you would like to eat.” 

“Alright,” Levi said. “I'll go with you.” 

“Speaking of holidays,” Erwin added. “I wanted to talk to you about something while I'm thinking about it.” 

“Alright.” 

“How would you like to celebrate your birthday?” Erwin asked. Levi dragged on his cigarette again. He exhaled the smoke and ashed into the cup, thinking about Erwin's question. Really, he didn't want to do much of anything. He had imagined they would be at Erwin's house for Christmas. 

“I haven't really thought about it.”

“Would you like to go somewhere with me?” Erwin asked. 

“Like where?” 

“That depends,” Erwin said. “Do you want a quiet vacation? Or would you like to be busy the entire time?” 

“Quiet.” 

“Alright. May I surprise you then, or would you like to help me choose between some options?” 

“Surprise me,” Levi said. Erwin smiled widely. Levi hated surprises, but Erwin was glad for the rare opportunity. He already knew what he wanted to do. 

“Can you find out how much vacation time you have from work?” 

“Yeah. I'll text it to you tomorrow.” 

“Thank you, Levi,” Erwin said. Levi coughed and cleared his throat. Those words reminded him of the dreams he had been having lately. They were happening so frequently, he had been reluctant to take his anti-anxiety pill to help him sleep. He'd rather go without sleep than see Erwin dying again. When he lifted his cigarette to drag from it, his hand was shaking. 

“Bedtime cigarette?” Erwin asked. Levi only hummed in response while he exhaled. “I'd like to give you a gift for your birthday. But-” 

“What do you want for a Christmas present?” Levi asked, as if he hadn't already ordered Erwin's present. It had almost drained his savings account. 

“It's not necessary for us to exchange,” Erwin said. 

“I want to,” Levi said. Erwin was smiling so much his face hurt a bit. 

“Then, we will. But I'm not going to tell you what I want. You have to do it right. Go behind my back and ask everyone what I want,” Erwin said. Levi huffed in irritation. 

“This romantic shit has got to come to an end one day,” Levi insisted. 

“Not ever. Not even when we're old and gray, in a nursing home, holding hands while we sit in our wheelchairs,” Erwin said. That fantasy was a bit too heavy for Levi to think about. 

“If you put me in a home, I'm going to be pissed. I'll protest by shitting next to the toilet instead of in it,” Levi said with his typical deadpan tone. Erwin erupted into laughter so hard that he took the phone away from his ear. Levi smiled, biting at his bottom lip. He loved making Erwin laugh. 

“God, Levi,” Erwin said, putting the phone back to his ear finally, after catching his breath. “I'm glad I wasn't holding my wine in my hand. It would be all over these tests right now.” 

“Drinking while you're grading?” 

“You think teachers do this sober?” Erwin asked. 

“I should stop distracting you then.” 

“Just a moment. I also wanted to tell you that I'm off for the entire week of Thanksgiving. You could come stay with me, if you like.” Levi dragged on his cigarette again, thinking. “I know it's a commute to work though.” Levi looked at his tiny apartment. The only thing he had added to it since he moved in was his mattress set, two chairs and a table he bought from a thrift store. He bought two chairs because they wouldn't sell only one to him. He didn't feel like he was at home. The room was just where he slept. 

“We're closed on Thanksgiving and Black Friday, so I would only be working three days out of the week anyway,” Levi said. “I'll stay with you.” Erwin savored the words. If he took them out of context, they sounded absolutely perfect. 

“I'll see you then, darling. Should we say goodnight now?” 

“Hey.” 

“Yes, Levi.” 

“How many times did you go to Disney World?” Levi asked. Erwin frowned, thinking about it. 

“Once a year from the age of five to fourteen? Nine times.” 

“I've never been. You should probably take me to Disney World at least nine times," Levi said, hoping that Erwin could hear the smile in his voice.

“Alright,” Erwin agreed, chuckling a bit. 

“Get back to those tests then. Make us some Disney World money, charming,” Levi said. Erwin smiled when he felt heat radiate in his chest. 

“Is this goodnight?”

“I could call you back at eleven,” Levi said. 

“I'd like that.” 

“For phone sex.” 

“Oh? I've never done that before,” Erwin said, intrigued by the idea. 

“I'm expecting to be blown away by your cock talk. Google a tutorial if you have to.” 

“I'll do my best,” Erwin promised, chuckling at the suggestion of researching such an act. Levi knew him too well. 

“Talk to you in a bit.” 

“Good bye, darling.” 

“Bye.” Levi waited for Erwin to hang up first before he took the phone away from his ear. He dragged on his cigarette again and tossed it in the red plastic cup with water in it. It sizzled when it made contact with the liquid.


	19. November 27, 2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra warning for trichotillomania. 
> 
> The links in this chapter lead to pictures of toys. Safe for work (but at your own discretion).

On the afternoon of Thanksgiving, Erwin pulled a green bean casserole out of the oven and set it on top of the range to cool down. Levi opened the refrigerator and checked on the desserts. He stopped himself from putting his finger in the banana pudding to taste of it.

“This stuff looks ready to go,” Levi said.

“The sweet potato casserole needs more time. Would you go to the garage and get a cardboard box for us to pack these things in?” Erwin asked. Levi nodded and closed the refrigerator door.

Levi stepped into the mudroom and opened the door to the garage. He stepped down onto the concrete and looked at the shelving along the back wall. There were three large, shallow cardboard boxes stacked up together on a high shelf. He raised up on the tips of his toes, but, of course, couldn't reach the boxes. Levi frowned and irritation flooded his head. Leaning up on his tiptoes farther, he tapped the bottom of the stack of boxes a few times, trying to dislodge them. A few more taps later, and he had to duck out of the way while the boxes fell to the floor. Shaking his head, Levi picked up the boxes put two of them back on a shelf where he could reach them easier the next time.

Stepping back into the house, Levi shut the door behind him and inspected the box for damage or dirt. It looked fine to him, and he walked back into the kitchen. He set the box on the kitchen counter.

“You okay?” Erwin asked with a grin. Levi's brows furrowed.

“Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?”

“I thought I heard something fall.”

“Get your ears checked, old man,” Levi said. He scoffed for emphasis.

“It sounded like cardboard boxes,” Erwin murmured.

“Nope. You're hearing shit.” Erwin chuckled and his phone rang. He pulled his phone out of his jeans pocket and unlocked the screen. It was a text message from Mike.

_Mike: Nanaba is pulling_

Erwin frowned at the text and leaned back against the kitchen island.

“What's wrong?” Levi asked.

“Just a moment,” Erwin said. Levi leaned against the kitchen counter opposite of Erwin and crossed his arms. He watched Erwin's facial expression while he texted back. Levi couldn't read the look.

_Erwin: What happened?_

_Mike: Her fucking sister canceled Thanksgiving yesterday they're going to her husband's parent's house instead we were talking about going to Hange’s but that she said that she had to pee and now she's been in there for an hour_

Erwin took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, thinking. Levi tilted his head and saw discomfort on Erwin's face. He wondered if Erwin's mother was texting him. But that didn't seem to fit. Erwin closed his eyes and thought for a while, and Levi lifted his thumb to his mouth. He absently mindedly chewed on his thumbnail for a few moments before he realized what he was doing. Then, his mouth felt filthy because he had been handling cardboard and then chewed on his thumb. Levi went to the kitchen sink and started washing his hands. Then, he cupped a handful of water and brought it to his mouth. He washed his mouth out and spit the water back into the sink. Levi wiped his face on the back of his arm and dried his hands with a kitchen towel.

Erwin watched Levi move and continued to think about Mike and Nanaba's situation. While he was watching Levi, an idea came to him, but he needed to give Mike an opportunity to help his wife first.

_Erwin: Have you tried to talk to her?_

_Mike: I've been standing in front of the bathroom door for 30 minutes and I can't think of a damn thing to say to her I wouldn't be texting you if I could fix this myself_

_Mike: Genius_

_Erwin: Get away from the door. She's going to call for you in a little while._

_Mike: Alright._

“Levi,” Erwin said. Levi looked over at Erwin. “Can you help me with something please?”

“Yeah.”

“I need you to make Nanaba laugh,” Erwin said. 

“What?” Levi asked.

“Don't worry,” Erwin said. “I'll set you up.” Erwin closed the text message between he and Mike and pulled up his contacts list. He tapped Nanaba's name and dialed.

“Erwin-”

“Just stand by,” Erwin said while he lifted the phone up to his ear. The phone rang several times before Nanaba answered.

“Hello.”

“Hey, Nana,” Erwin said. “How are you today?”

“I'm fine,” she said. “Happy Thanksgiving, Commander.” Erwin smiled his best smile. It was important that Nanaba could hear his cheerfulness through the phone. He heard Nanaba gasp, and he wondered if she was weeping or if she had just pulled a stubborn hair out of her scalp.

“Happy Thanksgiving to you too, Nanaba,” Erwin said. “I have a bit of a problem, and I need your help.”

“Sure,” she said uncertainly. “What is it?”

“Well, I was trying to make your hash brown casserole for Thanksgiving over at Hange's,” Erwin said. “But my mixture doesn't look right.”

“Oh,” Nanaba said.“What does it look like?” Erwin hummed as if he was thinking.

“I know that I've forgotten an ingredient,” Erwin said. “It's supposed to look creamy at this point, but it doesn't.”

“You forgot the sour cream,” Nanaba said. Her voice had a hint of irritation.

“Sour cream?” Erwin asked. He made eye contact with Levi. “Darling, it needs sour cream.” Levi stepped towards Erwin, close enough that Nanaba would be able to hear him.

“You've been whining for half an hour that it's not creamy enough, and you're missing sour cream,” Levi said. “You're a dumbass sometimes, Erwin.” Erwin smiled at Levi when he heard Nanaba giggling a little on the other end of the phone.

“Levi,” Erwin whined playfully.

“You've been trying to remember sour cream for thirty minutes?” Nanaba asked. Her voice was much lighter than it had been.

“Well, I didn't want to bother you,” Erwin said. “Thanksgiving is a busy day for you.” Nanaba tsked. “Isn't it?”

“Not this year,” Nanaba said. Erwin heard her gasp again, and he winced. Then, he knew for sure that she was still pulling her hairs out. In a hour, she may have already pulled out a small bald spot in her hair.

“Is your sister okay?” Erwin asked.

“Yeah. She's going to her husband's parent's Thanksgiving,” Nanaba said.

“Are you two coming to Hange's Thanksgiving then?”

“We talked about it,” Nanaba said. Nanaba gasped when she pulled another hair out.

“If you came, I could throw out this monstrosity of a casserole,” Erwin said. Another gasp.

“Alright,” she said. That time Erwin heard something like a low whimper. 

“You should go to New York and see Mike's parents next year. They're good people,” Erwin said.

“Yeah,” Nanaba agreed. Erwin paused the conversation and waited. When Nanaba didn't offer any more information, he decided to string her along a bit more.

“I spent Thanksgiving with them a couple of times in high school,” Erwin said.

“Really?” Nanaba asked.

“Sure,” Erwin said. “My parents didn't mind because they were always, well you know.”

“Out of town,” Nanaba provided.

“Right. And Mike's cousins play tackle football in the backyard after dinner every year. I tried to play a couple of times, but his family is big. Tall and broad, just like him. Watching is entertaining enough.”

“He never told me that,” Nanaba said with interest.

“Well, that was before we remembered,” Erwin added quickly. He paused and didn’t hear any audible sounds of Nanaba pulling another hair out. “And it's hard to feel like that's very relevant anymore, you know?”

“Yeah. So is Mike good at football?” Nanaba asked. Erwin chuckled.

“He is,” Erwin said. “But he has one cousin who's much better. With better facial hair too. I think his name is Chad.”

“Don't belittle my husband's facial hair, Commander,” Nanaba said, giggling. “That mustache is glorious.”

“Mike has never grown a beard for you has he,” Erwin said.

“I don't like beards,” Nanaba insisted.

“Yeah, but he can't grow one anyway, can he,” Erwin said. “It's too patchy.”

“It is not,” Nanaba said. She stood from sitting on the toilet lid and walked over to the bathroom door. When she opened the door, she looked up and down the hallway. She held the phone away from her mouth a bit. “Mike! Erwin's telling me all of your facial hair secrets about not growing a beard!” Erwin chuckled and made eye contact with Levi again. One side of Levi's mouth tilted up in appreciation of Erwin's talent. Erwin could hear Mike's voice from far away over the speaker of the phone. “Did you hear that?”

“No,” Erwin said. He pulled the phone away from his ear and put it on speakerphone so Levi could hear.

“Mike says that he may not have a beard, but he doesn't have two caterpillars nesting over his eyes either,” Nanaba said, trying to stifle her laughter. Levi rubbed his lips together but couldn't stop the shaking of laughter in his chest. He closed his eyes, not able to look Erwin in the eye while he was trying so hard not to laugh.

“You tell Mike, that I said, those are fighting words, and he knows where I live,” Erwin said with a low threatening tone. Nanaba burst out into laughter then, and Levi clapped a hand over his mouth. Erwin shook his head in wonder at what he was willing to go through to help his friends. _“No one appreciates me,”_ Erwin thought. When Nanaba composed herself enough to speak again, she sighed heavily, and Erwin could hear the smile on her face.

“You're on speakerphone,” Nanaba said. “Erwin says you have a cousin named Chad. Do all of your family members have one syllable names?”

“No!” Mike protested. “We have a Thomas!”

“Do you call him Thomas?” Nanaba asked. There was silence, and Levi took his hand away from his mouth when he recovered, waiting for the answer. Erwin waited for a few moments more.

“Tell your wife the truth, Mike,” Erwin offered. “Your legal name is Max, not Maximus or Maximilian, just Max. And you play football with Chad, James, Luke, Whit, Bill, Blake and TOM every year.”

“Damn it, Erwin!” Mike yelled. Nanaba burst into laughter again, and Levi looked up at Erwin with a raised eyebrow in disbelief. Erwin nodded, insisting that it was true.

“Mike's got a family full of jocks?” Levi asked loudly enough to be heard over the phone. Nanaba's laughter was shrill enough to sound painful at that point. There was a sound of shuffling over the phone, and then Mike's voice.

“You're off speakerphone,” Mike said into Nanaba's phone. “You broke my wife.” Erwin smiled.

“Glad to help,” Erwin said. “Is there any visible damage?”

“No, she'll be fine once she catches her breath,” Mike said. Levi furrowed his brows at Erwin's question.

“Why haven't you told her anything about your family?” Erwin asked.

“It never came up,” Mike insisted. “But thanks for helping me out, I guess,” Mike grumbled. 

“You're welcome,” Erwin said.

“Still coming over tomorrow?” Mike asked.

“Yes.” 

“See you at Hange’s.”

“Tell Nanaba to bring a hashbrown casserole. See you then.”

“Bye.” Mike ended the call. He looked down at Nanaba who had sat on the floor of the hallway and curled up with her laughter. Nanaba smiled up at him. “Hey, cutie.”

“I want to go see your parents next year,” Nanaba said. “I need to see that football game. Do you all take off your shirts?” Mike smirked and knelt down.

“Yep,” Mike said. “One year we tried to convince my mom to play, but as soon as we all took off our shirts and looked at her, waiting for her take off her shirt, she backed out. Like a whimp.” Mike smiled when Nanaba giggled some more.

“Does your dad play?” Nanaba tilted her head.

“Not anymore. The year I found you and I went home for Thanksgiving? That was the last year he played. That's why I wanted to go home so badly,” Mike explained. Nanaba nodded.

“Well, I guess I should get started on something to take to Hange's,” Nanaba said, standing and pulling at her clothes. Mike stepped forwards and wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her close. He wrapped the other hand into her short blonde hair and pulled her to him, planting a kiss on her forehead. Nanana rested one hand on Mike's arm and wrapped her other arm around his waist.  
“Erwin wants a hashbrown casserole from you,” Mike said.  
“Did you tell Erwin to call me?” Nanaba asked. Mike leaned back, looking into her big blue eyes. Her smile had faded.

“Not actually,” Mike said. “I texted him and said you were having a rough day.”

“It always seems like he knows exactly what to say, doesn't it,” Nanaba said, searching Mike's eyes.

“Do you know why Erwin stopped playing football with us?” Mike asked with a smirk.

“Why?”

“He was really good at shit talk,” Mike said. “Chad isn’t very bright, and Erwin got under his skin. Unfair advantage. That’s why Erwin remembers Chad so well. He almost made him cry.” Nanaba smiled so wide her eyes creased, a light giggle in her chest.

“That's horrible,” Nanaba said.

“Yeah. He was brutal.”

“No, I mean, it's horrible they wouldn't let him play anymore!” Nanaba insisted. Mike laughed and kissed her forehead again. He dropped his hand from her hair.

“Nana.”

“Mmhmm?”

“Can we make an appointment with Dr. Conrad next week?” Mike asked. Nanaba furrowed her eyebrows and stepped back. Mike took his arm from her waist and let it drop to his side.

“I haven't pulled in months,” Nanaba said. She tried to contain the defensive tone in her voice, but some it still passed her lips. “This was just a-” she paused and shrugged. “I'm just pissed off, Mike. It’s a slip up.”

“I know,” Mike said. “I need it though. And I want you to go with me.”

“Why?”

“Because it sucks to call another man to talk to my wife for me,” Mike said. “I want to learn how to talk to you.”

“You knew how to talk to me in our first life, Mike. You can do it this time too.” Mike shook his head.

“I knew how to talk to you then,” Mike said. “I understood grief. But I don't know how to talk to you about this. I need someone to teach me what to say or what to do when you're stuck in the bathroom.” Nanaba hung her head and blinked a few times. She stared blankly while she thought about what Mike was saying. Automatically, Nanaba reached up and ran her hand through her short blonde hair. While she didn't pull a hair out, seeing the action, Mike tensed. She ran her hand through her hair a few times rapidly and realized what she was doing. So, she dropped her hand and crossed her arms over her waist. “I have no idea what to say to you,” Mike added. Nanaba lifted her eyes and looked up at Mike's face. He looked uncomfortable, unsure and a bit rejected. His nostrils were flared, and his brown eyes had a dark look in them. “And I hate it.”

“I don't want to go,” Nanaba said gently. “I always end up saying more than I intended.”

“That's the point,” Mike said. “I’ve learned more about you from sitting in on your therapy sessions than any other way.” Nanaba's cheeks blushed darkly with embarrassment and frustration.

“And I still don't know shit about you apparently,” Nanaba snapped. “You talked to me more back then. I knew everything about your first life.” Mike broke eye contact and clenched his jaw.

“Dead parents and military life make for a quick story,” Mike muttered. His eyes darted back to Nanaba, and he saw her eyes looked a little wet. That only frustrated him more. He had no idea how to to talk to his wife about an emotionally charged situation without making her cry. He always said the wrong thing. 

“I'm sorry,” Nanaba whispered. She sniffed and a few tears slid down her cheeks when she blinked. Of course, she reached up and wiped them away. Mike winced and looked away from her, focusing on a spot on their hallway carpet. He couldn't stand to see Nanaba cry. He didn't even understand why she was crying. In their first life, tears made sense. Any time that there was an opportunity to cry and get some grief out of her system, Mike let her take full advantage of it. But now, when Nanaba cried, he never knew what had caused it in the first place. It frustrated him to no end, and there were times he wondered if he would ever have the real Nanaba again. “You aren't the problem, Mike. I am. I should've tried talking to you. But I want you to know that I didn't plan on pulling today. It just happens.”

“I know,” Mike said. He had been able to comprehend that much. Nanaba never intended to pull. Normally, she didn't realize that she was doing it. A few times, he had caught her pulling while they were doing something as simple as watching television together. Once, she had pulled a tiny bald spot in her hair before she even realized that she had started pulling. Mike thought about what Nanaba had said. “You aren't a problem, baby. It’s no one’s fault.”

“I want to stop,” Nanaba said. Mike looked at her again because her voice cracked. She was well on her way to sobbing. Nanaba sniffed hard and wiped her face with her long sweater sleeves. Mike stepped towards her and put his hands on her hips. He pulled her to him, and Nanaba wrapped her arms around his neck. He circled her in his arms and held her. “I'm sorry.”

“You don't have to be sorry, sweet girl,” Mike whispered. He planted a kiss in her hair. “Will you think about going to see Dr. Conrad with me next week?” Nanaba nodded against him. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Nanaba whimpered into his chest.

“Do you want to take an Ativan?” He felt Nanaba nod. Mike pulled back and looked down at Nanaba's tear stained face. He wiped away a stray tear with his thumb. “We can stay home today if you want.” Nanaba shook her head.

“I want to go to Hange's,” Nanaba said. “Everyone is going to be there.” Mike smiled.

“I bet Hange gives Levi a tour of the house,” Mike said. “I want to see that.”

“I do too,” Nanaba giggled through her tears, sounding more like a sob. Mike's smile faded until only one side of his lips was tilted up.

“Come on,” Mike said. He let go of Nanaba and took her hand. Mike led Nanaba down the hallway and into their bedroom, and then into their master bathroom. He opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed her prescription bottle of Ativan. After pouring one of the pills into his hand, he offered it to her.“Put it under your tongue.” Nanaba took the pill and put it under her tongue. She wrinkled her nose at the taste. Mike smiled and laughed at her face. “Gross, huh?” Nanaba nodded, still cringing. Mike turned on the bathroom sink, and Nanaba stepped by him to dip her head to the faucet and palm some water into her mouth. She drank several handfuls of water until the pill and the horrible taste was washed out of her mouth. Nanaba lifted her head from the sink and turned off the tap. When Nanaba turned to face him, Mike pinned her to the sink counter and took her chin between a thumb and forefinger. He directed her to tilt her head up, and he licked the water off her face.

“Eww! Mike, don't!” Nanaba squealed. She tried to pull back, but Mike put his other hand behind her head.

“You don't mind my tongue anywhere else but your face?” Mike asked, licking the water off her lips.

“That's different,” Nanaba insisted, laughing. Mike rubbed his mustache into her cheek. “Mike!” He chuckled and stopped torturing her with his scratchy facial hair. Mike pressed his lips to hers, and Nanaba stopped struggling so much. She leaned into the kiss with a high pitched gasp. Mike broke the kiss.

“Don't make that sound if you don't want to get licked,” Mike threatened quietly. Nanaba rolled her eyes with a smile, and pushed against him. Mike stepped back, and Nanaba squeezed out of the small bathroom.

“Let's go,” Nanaba said. “If we're late, we'll miss Levi getting the house tour!” Mike chuckled and leaned out of the bathroom to watch Nanaba go to the closet to get dressed.

“Or we could be late, and I could lick you until you’re shaking,” Mike offered. Nanaba shot him a look, and he knew that she wasn't going to buy it.

“Fine,” Mike complained, with a smile. “I'll put on a shirt.” He walked away from the bathroom and approached Nanaba at the closet.

“Well,” Nanaba said. Turning to fully face Mike, she squinted her blue eyes up at him. He gave her his best smile. “When you smile like that,” Nanaba said. Mike smiled wider, lifting his eyebrows for emphasis.

“Say yes,” Mike whispered. Nanaba's mouth watered.

“Alright,” she said. “But-” She was interrupted by Mike kissing her again.

 

******

 

The sun was already setting while Erwin and Levi drove to Hange’s house. Levi raised an eyebrow when Erwin pulled up to the entrance of a gated community. Erwin rolled down his window when he pulled up next to the security access box with an electronic panel of numbers on it. He pressed a series of numbers on the keypad. The sound of a ring back tone radiated from the speaker, and Erwin waited patiently.

“Hello?” Moblit's voice came from the speaker on the panel.

“It's us,” Erwin said.

“Come on in,” Moblit said. There was a loud beep that came from the box, and Levi watched the gates begin to open.

“Umm,” Levi grunted. “What do Hange and Moblit do for work?” Erwin smiled and looked over at Levi in the passenger seat before he began driving towards the opening gate.

“Guess,” Erwin suggested.

“Hange's a doctor, and Moblit is her sexy nurse,” Levi said. Erwin chuckled.

“Close,” Erwin nodded. He drove through the gate. Levi looked around at the size and style of the houses. They were all obviously new, well made construction. He expected gated communities to have cookie cutter houses, but each house they drove by had some outstanding feature. They were painted different colors, or they had interesting architecture on their facades. Several of the houses had many cars parked in their driveways, and some cars even spilled out into street parking. All of the vehicles were expensive and well maintained.

“Not close enough,” Levi said. “She would have to be surgeon to live in a place like this.”

“Surgeon is actually farther away from your first guess,” Erwin said.

“Just tell me.” Erwin turned onto another long street that ended in a cul de sac.

“Hange is an Epidemiologist for the CDC. I don't know what she does on a daily basis. Her security clearance is too high for her to tell me, apparently. And Moblit is an IT Specialist at the CDC.”

“I thought you found Moblit,” Levi said, looking at Erwin.

“Nanaba did,” Erwin corrected.

“But they worked at the same place that entire time?”

“Oh, no,” Erwin said. “Hange helped him get the job so they could afford their house.”

“They live together?” Levi asked, pinching his brows together. “Dumb move, Moblit.”

“Why?”

“He lives and works with her? Fucking masochist,” Levi said. Erwin smiled and nodded.

“I mentioned something similar to him, and he insisted I was incorrect,” Erwin said.  Levi shook his head. “That's Hange and Moblit's place.” Erwin pointed at the end of the road. Levi turned and looked. There was a massive house at the end of the cul de sac, sitting by itself. Levi's jaw dropped before he could catch it. But he closed his mouth again quickly.

Erwin drove towards the house and pulled into the half circle drive that was paved with white concrete. Levi looked out of his window and up at the massive house. It was a two story, Mediterranean style home, rectangular in shape, painted a light tan with light brown bricks for accent, and tiled roof.

“Holy shit,” Levi breathed.

“Levi,” Erwin said quietly. Levi didn't look away from the house. “Hange chose this house because she wanted all of us to live together as if it were the Survey Corps Headquarters. She’s going to ask you to move in with her.” Levi furrowed his brows and looked at Erwin, his lips parted.

“Holy shit,” Levi repeated.

“No matter what she offers you, don't move in with her,” Erwin whispered.

“What the fuck are you babbling about?” Levi snapped.

“She’s going to offer you anything you could think of,” Erwin muttered. “She will tempt you.”

“I'm not going to move in with her, Erwin!”

“Okay, alright,” Erwin whispered. “But she's going to to show you around the house, and it will be tempting Levi. Just don't do it.” Levi rolled his eyes and leaned closer to Erwin.

“Look,” Levi said. “I've lived with Hange once, and that was enough. You know I can't stand to live in the same space with anyone but you.” Erwin broke out into a big grin and blushed a bit. Levi frowned and leaned forward even farther. “Stop smiling,” Levi ordered. Erwin's lips came together and met with Levi's. Levi ran his tongue along Erwin's bottom lip before nibbling at it a bit. When Levi broke the kiss, he opened his gray eyes, scanning Erwin's face. “Better?”

“So much better,” Erwin said. Levi leaned back, rolling his eyes, and opened the passenger door.

“Move in with Hange,” Levi grunted as he jumped out of the vehicle. “Fucking crazy.” He closed the door and looked at the house from top to bottom. It was massive, and Levi could only shake his head in disgust. He had a sneaking suspicion that Moblit and Hange would never be able to keep it clean. Levi imagined walking through the door and seeing grimy floors, cobwebs in every corner, old food containers, wasted vodka bottles. While the outside of the house looked orderly and clean, Levi could only imagine the devastation inside of the home. Not even Moblit could keep with Hange's ability to make a mess.

Erwin stepped out of the vehicle and closed his door. He walked around to the back of the SUV and lifted the hatch. He took out the cardboard box that was carrying the two casseroles, a huge bowl banana pudding, and a chocolate cake and pumpkin pie that he and Levi had prepared together.

“Come close the hatch for me, Levi,” Erwin said as he stepped back away from the vehicle. Levi walked around the SUV and closed the hatch. Erwin began walking towards the front door. When he was standing in the portico, he waited for Levi. Levi walked up behind Erwin and stood next to him. After a moment, Levi saw the doorbell. He leaned forward and pressed his finger against the button. Levi pushed his cold hands into the pockets of his jeans. The door made a clicking sound of the lock releasing. “Push the door open, please.” Levi looked up at Erwin. Erwin smiled down at him. Leaning forward, Levi pressed on the door and it swung open. Unfazed, Erwin walked into the house, leaving Levi on the portico dazed.

“What the hell,” Levi breathed as he walked into the house. He closed the door behind him and looked around the house, eyebrows furrowed in confusion and shock. The house was immaculate. Beautiful even. Not a cobweb or speck of dust in sight. Levi's eyes widened.

“Levi!” Hange squealed, running at full speed from around a corner. She opened her arms and just before she made contact, Levi ducked. Hange ran past him and slid to a stop before she hit the door. “Happy Thanksgiving!” Hange sang as she turned around. She grabbed Levi in a hug from behind, but he was too shocked by her home to fuss about it. “Let me give you the tour!”

Erwin leaned out from around a corner and looked at the two of them.

“Levi needs a cigarette first,” Erwin said. Hange frowned and let Levi go.

“You should stop smoking,” Hange complained. 

“Tch. No,” Levi said, walking farther into the large foyer. The walls were painted a nice cream color. When Levi looked to the left, he saw a formal living room with furniture that looked like it belonged in an old man's home. He looked to the right and saw a large, dark wood, dining table that seated twelve people. 

“Go past the great room and sunroom to get to the patio,” Hange instructed before she walked into the dining room and turned again, out of sight. While she walked away, Levi looked at her clothing, a red flannel shirt and khakis. She only had white socks on her feet. It seemed like an odd choice for celebrating Thanksgiving.

Levi looked around while he walked straight through the house. There were stairs leading to the second story on his left, and he wondered how many rooms could be up there. He moved through the great room, which was just another living room full of old man furniture and books. Then, he walked through a set of french doors and out into the sunroom. He could see Moblit standing on the concrete patio next to a Turkey fryer. Levi noticed a wet bar to his left in the sunroom. It was fully stocked with nothing but clear liquor. He shook his head, opening one of the doors in the sunroom and stepped out onto the patio.

Moblit looked up from his phone and turned off the screen. He was also wearing a red flannel shirt with khakis and sensible shoes. 

“Hey, Captain,” Moblit said. “Happy Thanksgiving.” Levi closed the door behind him. Beyond the patio, there was an in ground olympic sized pool, covered up and closed for the winter. There was also a hot tub that had a cover over it. He pulled his cigarettes out of his pocket and opened the pack. Taking one out, Levi lifted it to his lips and quickly lit it. After an inhale, he exhaled and nodded.

“Happy Thanksgiving,” Levi said.

“Are you alright?” Moblit asked. Levi took his cigarette out of his mouth and popped the menthol capsule in the filter before taking another drag. “You look a little pale.” Moblit was grinning from ear to ear.

“It's actually clean in there,” Levi said, still in shock. “It's fucking spotless!”

“It should be if we're paying for a maid service every week,” Moblit said. He glanced down at the thermometer in the turkey fryer before looking back up at Levi again. Levi was staring at him, still looking confused and a little pissed off.

“Of course, you use a fucking maid service,” Levi whispered. “That's the only explanation.”

“So you aren't upset about the size of the house,” Moblit said. “Just that it's clean.”

“It's fucking Hange's house!” Levi snapped, holding his cigarette hand out in the direction of the house as if Moblit didn't understand. “It should be a wreck in there!” Moblit laughed and nodded.

“It was,” Moblit said. “For the first month. And then I insisted we hire a maid service.” Levi shook his head and took another drag on his cigarette. “When you get done with your cigarette, she'll give you the tour. She'll try to convince you to move in.”

“I'm not moving into a house that needs maids,” Levi said.

“Don't you dare tell her that!” Moblit snapped. “She'll cancel the service! Do you know what I have gone through trying to keep people coming back to this house?!” Levi's eyes widened in surprise at Moblit's sudden outburst. Moblit cleared his throat and blushed. “I'm sorry, Captain.”

“You can call me by my name, you know,” Levi said, taking another drag. He looked around for a can to ash in so he wouldn't ash on the patio.

“Thank you,” Moblit said.

“Where can I ash?”

“In that plant over there,” Moblit pointed. Levi looked in the direction where Moblit was pointing. There was the remnants of a dead plant laying in a giant, ceramic planter filled with fertilizer. Levi stepped closer to the planter and ashed on top of the dead plant. “Seriously, though, I'm sorry for raising my voice, Captain.”

“It's fine, Moblit,” Levi said.

“We have to have five maids come out here every week,” Moblit said. “Two clean the common areas. One cleans my part of the house. And the other two clean Hange's rooms. They draw straws every week to see who has to clean her half of the house.” Levi smiled, chuckling quietly and rubbed his forehead with his free hand. Moblit smiled at Levi before looking back down at the thermometer in the turkey fryer.

“So what else have you two done today?” Levi asked. He took a drag and breathed in oxygen behind the smoke.

“We went to Hange's family's Thanksgiving,” Moblit said.

“How was it?”

“Loud with Greek food,” Moblit said. Levi nodded.

“Is everyone there as loud as Hange?” Levi asked.

“Not really. But her mother is the loudest woman I’ve ever heard in my life,” Moblit said. 

“Oh, shit.”

“Yep,” Moblit said.

“You didn’t want to go see your family?” Levi asked. 

“There’s only one pair of foster parents that I keep in touch with,” Moblit said. Levi lifted an eyebrow at that, but he didn’t say anything. “I called them and talked to them for a while, but I stayed because I thought Hange’s family’s Thanksgiving is more fun.” 

“Have you told her you love her yet?” Levi asked. Moblit began choking and coughing violently. Levi took his cigarette out of his mouth and looked over at Moblit. Furrowing his brows, Levi watched while Moblit tried to compose himself. After hitting himself in the chest a few times, Moblit cleared his throat.

“Choked on some spit,” he grunted before clearing his throat again. Levi shook his head before he took another drag on his cigarette.

“I'm guessing that's no,” Levi said. The back door opened and Hange leaned out of it.

“Levi! Hurry!” she said. Levi nodded a few times flippantly and rolled his eyes. He took another drag from his half finished cigarette. Lifting his boot, he knocked the cherry off of the tip and set the cigarette down on the concrete. Standing up straight again, Levi walked back into the house and followed Hange. He closed the door behind himself and walked back through the large part of the house until he found her at the bottom of the stairs.

“Come upstairs, and I'll show you your room!” Hange said. She began running up the stairs, and Levi followed her. He held onto the wooden banister as he ascended the stairs and liked the feeling of the warm wood under his hand. The house was beautiful, but Levi thought it was too big to feel very cozy. Hange waited for him at the top of the stairs. Levi looked around the second story of the home. The stairway led to another living room. There was a large TV against the back wall and a couple of desktops on either side of it. Comfortable, contemporary furniture filled the room. On either side, leading away from the room, there was a hallway. The hallway on the right was short with two doors, both of them open. The hallway to the left was longer and had several doors. “This way,” Hange said, turning to the left hallway.

Levi followed her, and she stopped at the first door on the right.

“This is Erwin's room,” Hange said. She opened the door and showed Levi the bedroom. The room was decently sized, but the bed was a twin sized mattress. Levi wasn’t even sure Erwin would fit in a bed that tiny. The bed had a plain black bedspread on it, and there was a single pillow with a toy lying on top of it. Levi squinted his eyes at the toy. It was a plush gray stick with appendages all over it and two eyes in the center of its “face”.

“What the hell is that?” Levi asked.

“It's a [neuron](https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/61fZuHZDjZL.gif) ,” Hange said. Levi looked up at her.

“I said, what the hell is that?”

“It's a brain cell,” Hange said. She shook her head and turned to walk farther down the hallway. “Duh!” Levi huffed and closed the door to the bedroom. He followed Hange farther down the hallway. There was an open door to his right, and when he looked into it he saw that it was a small bathroom. All of the surfaces in the bathroom were white marble. 

Hange opened the next door on the right.

“This is your room,” Hange said. Levi looked into the room. It looked exactly like Erwin's except there was a different toy on the bed. The toy was a red lump with bigger eyes. “That's a [cardiomyocyte](http://d2w0imrv2fat7b.cloudfront.net/cdn/155749/media/catalog/product/cache/2/image/825x525/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/g/m/gmus-pd-0365_heartcell_cluster.jpg).”

“A heart cell,” Levi said.

"A heart muscle cell to be exact," Hange said. "I had a [sperm cell](http://www.whyrll.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/Sperm-Cell-Plush-Toy.jpg) on the bed, but Moblit keeps stealing it.” Levi jerked his thumb to the other side of the hallway.

“What are these doors?”

“Mike and Nanaba's rooms,” Hange said. Levi walked to the door opposite of his and opened it. He wanted to try and guess which room was which by what toy was on the bed. On the bed, there were three toys instead of just one. Two of the toys were brown sticks with black and white hats. Sitting between the two of them was a yellow stick with a pink hat. All of them had dead, blank eyes.

“That's creepy as fuck,” Levi said.

“They're [rods and cones](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/83/e6/04/83e6041e567b36f44eeb85e424df9646.jpg)! From your eyes,” Hange said. She leaned in towards Levi, as if she was going to show him her eye, but he pushed her back. “Where's your nose ring?”

“I took it out,” Levi said.

“No!” Hange squealed. “Put it back in!”

“No.” Levi walked away from the room, and Hange closed the door to Nanaba's room. She left the door to Levi's room open in case he decided he wanted to move in right away. Levi opened the next door and saw a green stick with little green hairs standing up on top of it's head.

“That's also a [neuron](http://www.giantmicrobes.com/us/media/catalog/product/cache/2/small_image/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/n/e/nerve-cell-cluster_1.jpg),” Hange said. “But it's a general nerve cell instead.”

“So this is Mike's room,” Levi said.

“You guessed it!” Levi looked up at her and raised his eyebrows.

“So you bought us each a toy for our rooms,” Levi said.

“No, I just took these out of my collection,” Hange said. “I have every giant microbe toy they've made.”

“What’s that room on the other side of the living room?” 

“It's a spare room and bathroom,” Hange said. “For whatever.”

“Where's your room?” Levi asked. He realized that he and Hange were going to have a moment alone, and he wanted to take advantage of it to do something that he had been intending to do for a while.

“Downstairs on the left side of the house. Moblit lives on the right side of the house,” Hange said. “Do you want to see the rest of my microbe collection in my room?! I'll show them to you!”

“Hange, chill out a minute. Let me talk to you,” Levi said. Hange pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose and focused on Levi's eyes.

“You okay?”

“Yep. Let's make this quick,” Levi said. “Part of my program is apologizing to people that I've injured. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me.” Hange's eyes widened. Her eyes bounced between Levi's gray irises. He was serious.

“I never felt like you wronged me, Levi,” Hange said. “I missed you, but I never felt injured.”

“I should have been around while you were adjusting to remembering,” Levi said. He shoved his hands into his pockets, shuffling one of his feet. Levi swallowed heavily. 

“It's alright,” Hange said. “You're forgiven?” Her tone was uncertain. “I know that's what I'm supposed to say, but it doesn't feel genuine if I never felt like you did anything wrong.”

“I thought you told Erwin you were going to kidnap me.”

“Well, yeah. But that was because I missed you, not because I was angry,” Hange corrected. “And I was worried, obviously. We all were. Even Mike sometimes.” Levi nodded and broke eye contact. He took his hands out of his pockets and stepped forward, wrapping his arms around Hange. At first, she was too shocked to return the hug, but she recovered quickly. She wrapped her arms around Levi's shoulders and held him.

“Thank you,” Levi whispered. He leaned back and pulled away. Once the hug ended, Hange's arms hung limply at her sides. She opened her mouth to say something, but her mouth fell closed again without speaking. “Weren't you in the middle of cooking?”

“Crap!” Hange said. She ran over to the stairway and began running down the stairs. Levi followed, putting his hands back in his pockets. He walked down the stairs calmly and looked around when he reached the bottom.

“Hey,” Levi said.

“In here,” Erwin called. Levi followed the voice. He walked into the dining room and turned the corner.

Around the corner was Hange's large, chef style kitchen. Levi stopped in the entryway of the kitchen and scanned the room. It still looked like a home kitchen, but  most of the countertops were stainless steel instead of a hard stone. And Levi couldn’t see a single piece of plastic in the entire room. Everything he could see was either made of steel, marble, glass or wood. Erwin was seated at the kitchen island which had a white marble counter top, and he was smiling. Levi stepped into the room, moving over to Erwin. Hange was standing in front of one of her ranges stirring something in a large pot. Erwin pulled out a stool at the island, and Levi sat on top of it.

Levi watched Hange look into the pot with concern. She pulled her phone out of the back pocket of her khakis and unlocked it. After a few taps, she held the phone up to her ear.

“Hey,” Hange said into the phone. “Whatcha doin?”

“Is she seriously calling Moblit when he's right outside?”

“Yes,” Erwin said. “Did she show you your room?”

“I don't know why you were so worried about me moving in with her,” Levi whispered. 

“I’m watching the potatoes boil. How much longer on the turkey?” Hange asked.

“It’s a beautiful home with maid service. I thought that would be appealing to you,” Erwin whispered. 

“The house is too big, and I prefer to clean my own living quarters,” Levi explained. 

“Is the sperm cell still on your bed?”

“No,” Levi huffed. “It's a heart cell now.”

“Too bad,” Erwin said, teasing. Levi shot him a look.

“Okay. Thanks,” Hange said. She ended the call and put the phone back in her khakis.

“Are Nanaba and Mike coming over?” Erwin asked.

“Yep!” Hange said. “They're plans were canceled, and they're on the way. Can you pour me a drink, Erwin?”

“Sure,” Erwin said. He stood from the bar to make Hange's drink. “Would you like something, Levi?”

“Water,” Levi said. Erwin went to the cabinet and opened it. The shelves were lined with beakers that had Property of CDC stamped into them in red. Levi could see the beakers past Erwin's shoulder.

“Hange,” Erwin said. Hange looked over to where Erwin was standing.

“Those are the everyday glasses,” Hange said. “The formal glasses are in the next cabinet.” Erwin furrowed his brows and shot Levi a look over his shoulder while he closed the cabinet. Levi raised a hand and made a circling motion next to his right temple with his index finger.

“Is that government property?” Erwin asked.

“I drink out of them when I’m at work and sometimes my drink comes home with me,” Hange explained, glancing up at him with a smile. Erwin shook his head and moved to the next cabinet. He opened it and it was lined with beakers of the same style, but they lacked the federal stamp.

“There's just more beakers in here,” Erwin said. “I'm looking for your drinking glasses.”

“You can drink out a beaker,” Hange said informatively.

“Maybe, tell me where your red plastic cups are instead,” Erwin said.

“It's Thanksgiving, Erwin. Use the fancy glasses!” Hange said. Erwin shook his head and took two beakers down from the cabinet. He went to the ice maker, which was a separate machine, and put some ice in each glass. First, Erwin poured filtered water into Levi's glass and sat it on the marble counter in front of him. Then, he went to Hange's liquor freezer and poured some vodka over the ice for her. Erwin swirled the liquid in the glass around a few times before delivering the glass to her. He left the vodka bottle out.

Hange drank the vodka from the glass in two swallows and held her empty glass out at Erwin, shaking it to make the ice clink.

“You need to learn how to pace yourself, Hange,” Levi said.

“If you had my mother, you wouldn't say that,” Hange said. Levi swallowed the retort that he didn't have a mother.

“What do you mean?” Erwin asked. He poured some more vodka in Hange's glass, and it immediately went to her mouth. After a swallow, she put her glass down and drained the water from boiled potatoes into the sink. She dumped the soft potatoes from the pot into a stainless steel bowl. 

“All I heard during lunch was 'Hera! When are you going to get married?! Hera! I want grandchildren from you'! As if her seven grandchildren and the one on the way from my brothers and sisters aren’t enough for her. She can't be satisfied with them. She has to have a creature pulled from MY uterus to be satisfied.”

“If they said all of that to you, what did they say to Moblit?” Levi asked. Hange turned around and looked at Levi with narrowed eyelids.

“My father talked to him,” Hange said in a low, growling voice. Her face was red with irritation or embarrassment. He couldn't decide which. Hange turned back around and began smashing the potatoes with much more force than was necessary.

“Hange,” Erwin said. “I want to do that, and you could sit down for a while.” Hange didn't stop. “With your drink,” he added. At the mention of the drink, Hange dropped the potato masher and picked up her glass. With a gentle push to Hange, Erwin stepped in front of the bowl of potatoes and began mashing them properly. Hange walked around the counter and sat down on the stool that Erwin had vacated. Levi watched her drain the glass and sit it on the marble counter top.

“So you don't want kids,” Levi said.

“No,” Hange said. “I don’t have time for them, and I just don’t see how a child would fit into my life.”

“They might be a fun experiment,” Levi suggested.

“I don't like people experiments. They're kind of boring. People experiments are more Erwin's thing,” Hange said dismissively. “He's the type of person who would have children just to see what they do. Or to see what he can do to them.”

“You make it sound like such a negative thing,” Erwin commented. Levi's eyes darted over to Erwin and stared at the man's back for a moment. He wanted to believe that Erwin was joking, but he couldn’t be sure. Levi raised his beaker of water to take a drink. Hange recognized the perfect moment.

“I don't want children, but I would surrogate for you two!” Hange blurted. Levi choked on his water and had to sit the glass down before he dropped it. Erwin jumped and accidentally dropped the potato masher. The tool clanged a few times along the stainless steel counter before he could catch it. He righted it in his hand and began his work again. Levi raised his eyebrows at Erwin's fumble and looked at Hange. She had a wide grin on her face with a sinister look in her eyes.

“Asshole,” Levi muttered.

“I'm trying to offer you the fruit of my loins, you ungrateful grump!” Hange said.

“ No, thank you. I have plenty of children to worry about at school,” Erwin said calmly. Levi glanced over at Erwin before looking back to Hange.

“He's an old man, Hange. His heart can't take your bullshit,” Levi said.

“I'm older than Erwin this time,” Hange said.

“He could've dropped the potatoes,” Levi snapped. “You can't just lay that kind of shit on someone when they're trying to mash potatoes.” Erwin was rubbing his lips tightly together, trying to hide that he was laughing.

“I have more potatoes,” Hange said. Levi reached out and grabbed a handful of Hange's hair, and leaned forward, pulling her towards him simultaneously.

“Go check on the turkey,” Levi said. “And wash your hair while you're gone. It's greasy.” He let go of her hair and righted himself on his stool. Hange huffed and stepped off of her stool. She walked around to the vodka bottle and poured herself half of a beaker before she put the bottle back down. Hange walked out of the kitchen, sipping from her beaker.

Levi drank some more of his water after he heard the back door to the patio slam. He couldn't risk Hange scaring him again.

“It's so good to see the two of you getting along,” Erwin commented. He picked up a spoon and checked the consistency of the potatoes. They were thoroughly mashed. Maybe they were a little over mashed because he had been too afraid to turn around while Hange was still in the room. Erwin tapped the spoon on the rim of the steel bowl before sitting it down and taking out the potato masher. He laid it gently in the sink before he turned around to look at Levi. Levi was smirking at him.

“She scared the shit out of you, didn't she,” Levi said.

“No,” Erwin said. “It was a bit unexpected though.”

“Well, it's not every day that someone just offers to give you a child,” Levi said. Erwin chuckled and nodded.

“How true,” he said. They maintained eye contact for a moment, savoring looking at each other. The doorbell rang and disrupted their moment.

“Should I get that?” Levi asked.

“Hange will answer it with her phone,” Erwin said. Levi rolled his eyes before taking another drink from his beaker. “You don't appreciate her use of technology?”

“It's excessive,” Levi said. “To say the least.”

“Hello?” Nanaba called.

“Follow Mike's nose!” Levi yelled back. Nanaba and Mike walked into the kitchen a moment later. Levi grinned a bit when he heard Nanaba giggling. He hoped she was legitimately feeling better.

“He was sniffing the air when you said that,” Nanaba said. She walked around the kitchen island and sat her large, woven basket on one of the stainless steel counters. “Is there an oven available?”

“Yes,” Erwin said. “What degree do you need?” Mike walked up behind Levi and sat on the stool that Hange left sitting out. Levi looked at Mike, and Mike narrowed his eyes at him.

“Is that the Celsius oven?” Nanaba asked. She lifted one of her casserole dishes from the basket and set it on the counter.

“Yes,” Erwin said. “I'll convert it for you.” Erwin watched while Nanaba lifted a second casserole out of the basket. “I hope one of those dishes is hashbrown casserole.”

“Isn't it your favorite, Commander? Four hundred degrees Fahrenheit please.” Erwin turned on the oven and set it to 204 degrees Celsius. When Nanaba turned around holding one of the casseroles, she noticed that Mike and Levi were staring each other down. “What are you two doing?” Mike and Levi broke eye contact, and Levi took a drink out of his beaker. Mike smiled over at Nanaba.

“What?” Mike asked. Nanaba gave him a look of suspicion before she walked over to the oven with the covered casserole. She set it down on the counter and uncovered it to show it to Erwin.

“It's a masterpiece,” Erwin whispered. He leaned forward and put a kiss on top of Nanaba's head.

“I know,” Nanaba said. She turned and looked at Levi and Mike again. They were making direct eye contact and leaning forward a little aggressively. “Seriously, what the hell are you two doing?”

“Going for a cigarette,” Levi said, standing from his stool.

“Yeah,” Mike said. Nanaba looked up at Erwin, who was smiling down at her softly.

“What are they doing?” Nanaba whispered. Erwin looked and watched Levi and Mike walk out of the room. When he thought they were out of earshot, he looked back at Nanaba. Nanaba furrowed her brows and scrunched up her nose.“What was that about?” Nanaba asked. 

“I suppose Mike still doesn’t trust Levi quite yet,” Erwin said. Nanaba smiled.

“Awwwww,” Nanaba crooned. “It's Levi's first family dinner, and Mike is the protective brother figure. That's so sweet.” She lifted her hands up to her chest and held them together. Erwin chuckled.

“It's actually annoying and unnecessary,” he corrected.

“No, it's not,” Nanaba said. “It's adorable! Mike never behaves that way with anyone except me.”

“But Mike knows Levi.” Nanaba dropped her hands, and a touch of sadness reached her eyes.

“Not this time,” Nanaba whispered. One side of Erwin's mouth twitched up in a bit of disappointment. “We're all a little bit different.”

“He's the same,” Erwin muttered. Nanaba could see the sincerity in his face, and she hoped it was true. “He's still the Captain.” After a moment, Nanaba nodded. She wanted to believe it as much as Erwin did.

“How long will it take for the oven to heat up?” Nanaba asked.

“Only a few minutes,” Erwin said.

“Did you bring banana pudding?”

“Of course.”

“Let's eat some while everyone is out of the kitchen,” Nanaba whispered. Erwin hesitated a moment, but he couldn't refuse the childish light in Nanaba's eyes. She looked so pretty that way.

“Okay,” he whispered. “But just one spoonful each.”

“Two.”

“Two then.”

Levi opened the door to the patio and stepped out. Moblit was still standing post by the turkey fryer. Mike followed Levi out and closed the door. The two men silently lit their cigarettes and stood on either side of Moblit and the turkey fryer. Moblit looked between the two of them, a bit confused.

“Hey, Squad Leader,” Moblit said. Mike looked at Moblit and nodded before he looked away and took another drag. Moblit looked over at Levi. “Did Hange give you the tour, Captain?”

“Yeah,” Levi said before he took a drag. Moblit narrowed his eyes and looked between the two of them again. He felt like he was in the middle of something. “Did Hange come out here?”

“She did,” Moblit said, suspicion laced in his voice. “To check on the turkey. It needs about fifteen more minutes.” Levi nodded.

“Where is she now?”

“I told her to go take off my clothes and wear some of her own,” Moblit said.

“We should all buy her khakis for Christmas,” Mike said.

“We should,” Moblit agreed. “But she only wears mine when she runs out of clean clothes. So, I don't know if it's going to help much.” Mike looked around for a place to ash.

“Where can I ash this?” Mike asked. Moblit pointed over to the dead plant by Levi.

“Over there,” Moblit said. Mike looked around for another dead plant, and didn't see one. He walked over to the planter and stood in front of Levi, fully facing him, before he ashed. Levi looked up, making eye contact with Mike while he dragged. Mike flared his nostrils, and Levi felt the heat of irritation flood his brain. Neither of them said anything. All of the tension was making Moblit uncomfortable.

Hange opened the back door.

“I can't find any clean clothes-”

“I'll go find some for you, watch the turkey,” Moblit offered. He walked away from the fryer and into the house. Hange watched him walk by before she stepped out onto the patio. She closed the door and walked over to the fryer, crossing her arms over her chest. Briefly, she checked the thermometer before she looked over at Mike and Levi.

“What's up?” Hange asked.

“Nothing,” Mike said without breaking eye contact.

“Are you two having a staring contest?”

“No,” Levi said.

“Are you trying to see who can smoke the fastest?”

“No,” Mike said. He ashed into the planter.

“Don't drop your cancer ashes on my plant!” Hange said.

“It's dead,” Levi said.

“So! I still don't want it used for an ashtray,” Hange said. The two men dragged on their cigarettes at the same time and ashed together. “One of you is a giant dick, and the other is a short asshole!” They broke eye contact and looked over at Hange. Her arms were crossed over her chest, and she was frowning furiously at both of them. Levi rolled his eyes and looked back at Mike. He held his cigarette out. Mike looked down at the cigarette. He took it and held it for Levi.

Levi walked across the patio and back into the house. He quickly made his way to the kitchen and found Erwin and Nanaba bunched up together in a corner of the kitchen. Th room smelled divine, and Levi realized that he was really hungry.

“Hey,” Levi said.

“Hello, darling,” Erwin said without turning around. His backbone was stiff. Levi huffed.

“Where are Hange's red plastic cups?” Levi asked. Nanaba pointed over to the right of the kitchen without turning around.

“They're in a bottom cabinet over there,” Nanaba said. Levi walked over to the cabinet that Nanaba pointed out and knelt down. He opened the door and pulled out a red cup. After filling it up halfway with water, he walked back around the kitchen island, worried that Mike would do something to his cigarette while he was away.

“Casserole smells good,” Levi commented on his way out of the kitchen. Levi hurried back to the patio.

Erwin looked over his shoulder to watch Levi walk out of the kitchen.

“Coast is clear,” Erwin whispered. Nanaba put another spoonful of pudding in her mouth, directly from the serving bowl. “We're never going to be able to make this look like we didn't eat any.” Erwin put a spoonful of pudding in his mouth.

“Just one more bite,” Nanaba said. “For each of us.”

“Maybe two,” Erwin corrected.

Levi opened the door to the patio and stepped out. He walked back over to Mike and held up the red plastic cup with water. Mike nodded and handed Levi his cigarette back. Levi took it and inspected it.

“He didn't do anything to it,” Hange offered. “He almost licked it, but I told him that I would tip over this turkey fryer in his direction.” Levi looked over to Hange, and back up to Mike.

“Hange says I'm being a dick to you,” Mike said.

“You’re not,” Levi said, dragging without breaking eye contact.

“Then, why are you two staring each other down like two dogs with a bone-” Hange opened her mouth a bit more in surprise. “This is over Erwin?”

“Hell no!” Levi spat. Mike turned and faced Hange then.

“Why would this be about Erwin?” Mike asked before he took a drag. Levi turned and faced Hange, holding the red cup between he and Mike so they could both use it. Hange looked between the two of them for a moment.

“I think this is about Erwin,” Hange said. “Big brother versus boyfriend. The final battle. I would love to see you two actually fight for once.” 

“How are you so smart when you're head is so full of shit all of the time?” Levi asked. Mike chuckled and snorted a bit.

“He might as well be his brother,” Hange said. “They went to highschool together. They were in the Army together. They’ve been in two wars together. And they were in college together. They even found you together.”

“Levi's right,” Mike said. “Not protective of Erwin.”

“Then what was all of that just now?!” Hange yelled.

“All of what?” Levi snapped. Hange groaned and rubbed her hands over her face, disturbing her glasses.

“Men are so infuriating sometimes,” Hange said. She took her hands away from her face and straightened her glasses. “We'll ask Moblit. He saw it too. That's why he wanted to go inside. He would never offer to go through my laundry for me unless he's-” Hange stopped and rage flooded her face. “You two guard this turkey with your life!” she screamed. Hange ran the few steps over to the door and flung it open. “MOBLIT!” She slammed the door behind her.

Levi looked up at Mike, searching for an explanation.

“Hange steals Moblit's clothes,” Mike said.

“Right.”

“So the only time Moblit offers to go through her laundry is when he's trying to steal some of his clothes back,” Mike explained.

“Are her clothes gross?” Levi asked.

“They use hazmat bags for spring cleaning,” Mike said. He walked over to the turkey fryer and looked at the thermometer. “How long did Moblit say this would take?” Levi walked over and stood by Mike. Mike ashed into the cup that Levi was holding.

“He said fifteen minutes,” Levi said. “That was about seven minutes ago.” Mike nodded before he took a final drag from his cigarette. He dropped the butt into the water. They were silent and Levi finished his cigarette. He dropped the butt into the cup along with Mike's before setting the cup down between their feet. “Mike.”

“Yeah.”

“I'm sorry,” Levi said. Mike looked down at Levi. “You had to take care of Erwin while I was gone. I don't know what he was like, but I know it wasn't good.”

“He was wrecked.”

“I'm sorry I put you through that,” Levi said. Mike's eyes scanned the top of the Captain's head. He couldn't see Levi's face from that angle, and he wished he could.

“You apologized to Erwin?”

“First.”

“And he accepted your apology.”

“Yeah.”

“Then, I've got no problem with you,” Mike said. He looked at the thermometer on the fryer.

“Thanks.” The silence that filled the space between the two men was comfortable then. All of the tension from earlier had eased. “You met Erwin in high school and followed him?”

“I had nothing better to do,” Mike said. Levi nodded, definitely understanding that feeling.

“What was Erwin like in high school?”

“Weird and terrifying.” Levi laughed and looked up at Mike. Mike didn't look at him, but Levi saw that he was smirking.

“Even in high school?”

“He was worse in high school than he is now,” Mike said. “Now, he at least has some inhibitions.”

“Give me an example,” Levi said. Mike cleared his throat. He reached into his pocket and pulled out another cigarette. Levi followed Mike's example and pulled out another cigarette of his own. He leaned down and picked up their cigarette cup again. After the first inhale from both of them, Mike looked down at Levi.

“Did you do a senior prank?” Mike asked. Levi nodded, exhaling smoke. He looked at the red cup.

“We took a bunch of these, filled them with water and lined the floor of the administrator's office with them,” Levi said. “The secretary opened the door the next morning without looking through the little window and knocked over almost every single one of them. She cried. Big mess but pretty harmless.” Mike smiled but shook his head.

“Alright,” Mike said. “For our senior prank, we broke into the school and rolled the hallways. Nothing crazy. When I broke into school with some of our classmates, Erwin was with me. And when we were ready to leave, I couldn't find him anymore. But I knew him well enough at that point to know he would find me when he was ready. So, I didn’t say anything.” Levi furrowed his brows, and they both dragged on their cigarettes. “I walked back to my truck, that I had left in a parking lot across the street in a public park,” Mike exhaled the rest of the smoke from his lungs. “And Erwin was leaning against the truck waiting on me. We get in the truck and go home.” Mike said, taking another drag.

“Where did he go?” Levi asked. Mike grinned and sniffed before he exhaled.

“The next day, we go to school, and the principal is calling seniors into his office one by one, asking questions about who helped with the senior prank,” Mike said, ashing into the cup. “But he wasn't interested in the toilet paper. He wanted to know who had broken into the guidance counselor's office.” 

“What happened to the guidance counselor's office?” Levi asked, ashing his own cigarette.

“Someone,” Mike said, pausing for emphasis. “Picked the lock to the guidance counselor's office, logged into his computer and mixed up every single phone number in his contacts list. They also changed his speed dial settings on his phone so they all called random places in town. And the Rolodex he had on his desk had been replaced with an identical Rolodex that was full of random phone numbers for random places and people. Everything that he had used to record phone numbers he needed for work was ruined or missing.”

“Fuck,” Levi breathed with wide eyes. He dragged on his cigarette.

“After a few days, they also found out that whoever had performed this prank had also changed the guidance counselor's voicemail from the personal message that he had recorded to a robotic voice that said something to the effect of  'I can't talk right now because I'm too busy ruining lives.’'” Mike smiled before he took another drag.

“Erwin did all of that?” Levi asked. Mike shrugged.

“I don’t know for sure,” Mike said. “But he was with me one moment and gone the next.”

“What the fuck did the guidance counselor do to piss Erwin off so much?” Levi asked. Mike shrugged again.

“We never talked about it,” Mike said, dropping his cigarette into the cup. Levi dragged on his cigarette. “Let's get this turkey out.” Levi dropped his cigarette into the cup and set it down so he could help Mike.

******

Thirty minutes later, the huge dining room table was set with a carved turkey, all of the side dishes and desserts that the veterans had prepared. Despite Hange and Moblit hosting, Erwin still sat at the head of the table with Levi to his left.

“Let's say what we're thankful for!” Hange suggested. Levi swallowed a groan, but his back tensed.

“Nope,” Mike said.

“I think it's a great idea,” Erwin said. Mike and Levi crossed their arms over their chests simultaneously. Levi slid down in his dining chair a bit, considering slipping under the table and escaping while everyone was distracted. “Start us off, Hange and Moblit.” Hange cleared her throat and raised her beaker of vodka.

“I'm thankful that I have friends who don't judge my drinking habits or demand that I use my uterus,” Hange said, taking a sip of her vodka. Moblit smiled at her. He raised his own beaker of vodka.

“I'm thankful for,” he paused and looked away from Hange, choosing instead to look at the food on the table. “I'm thankful for Thanksgiving leftovers.” He took a swallow of vodka. Erwin looked over at Nanaba. Her eyes were watering, and she wiped at her face. She lifted her beaker of sweet tea.

“I'm thankful for this family,” she said before taking a swallow of her tea. Levi grinned over at her. Then, Mike leaned over and kissed Nanaba on the top of her head.

“I'm thankful for my wife,” Mike said. Nanaba tilted her head up and kissed him on the lips quickly. She sniffled and Mike pressed his nose into her cheek, inhaling deeply and making her giggle.

 _“Show off,”_ Levi thought.

“Not at the table,” Nanaba said quietly. Mike leaned away from her and sat in his chair properly, drinking some of his own tea.

“Levi,” Erwin said. Levi turned and met his gaze. A gentle smile spread over Erwin's lips. Levi reached over and picked up his beaker of water. He pulled his index finger away from the beaker and pointed at Erwin's face.

“Thankful to see that smile again,” Levi said quietly before he took a drink of his water. Erwin's smile faded away and his eyes widened while a deep red spread over his cheeks.

“Damn it, that was smooth,” Mike muttered. Nanaba smiled up at Mike. Levi looked at Mike with a triumphant grin before he set his beaker back down. Erwin was flushing from the bottom of his neck to his forehead. Hange reached over and wrapped her arms around Levi. He stiffened in her embrace, but allowed it to happen. Moblit leaned over on Hange and hugged her, pretending to actually be reaching for the Captain.

“You're such a cutie when you want to be,” Hange whispered to him. Levi winced at her vodka breath.

“Umm,” Erwin grunted. He cleared his throat. Lifting his glass, he smiled at all of the faces around the table. Levi started pushing at Hange, and she took the hint. She and Moblit both sat up and adjusted their matching khakis and flannel shirts. Everyone looked at Erwin, waiting for his own profession of gratitude. The red began to fade from his face. A satisfied grin spread over his face. “I'm thankful for the internet,” Erwin said.

“Fuck yes,” Levi said, lifting his glass again. All of the veterans lifted their glasses and toasted the internet.

“Goddess of porn,” Moblit said.

“Keeper of all knowledge,” Hange sighed.

“Scribe of all recipes,” Nanaba muttered.

“So much porn,” Mike whispered, putting a hand over his heart. Nanaba glared up at him. “For Moblit.” Everyone drank some liquid from the beakers. After a swallow of whiskey and Coke, Erwin put his glass down.

“Let's eat,” he said. All of the veterans began passing dishes to each other, and the conversation mainly consisted of complementing the assortment of foods. Once everyone had fixed their plates, they stopped talking and focused completely on stuffing their faces.

Halfway into their meal, Levi cringed when he heard Hange slurp her mashed potatoes. He lifted his eyes from his plate and looked at her. Hange didn't seem to notice that she was slurping, but she continued, stopping only to take another sip of vodka. He watched with disgusted fascination as Hange lifted another spoonful of mashed potatoes to her mouth and slurped them off the spoon instead of putting the spoon in her mouth. One side of Levi's mouth twitched, and he looked back down at his plate.

 _“How can I annoy the shit out of her?”_ Levi wondered.

“Speaking of the internet,” Erwin said. Levi looked up at Erwin. He had a grin on his face. Hange stopped slurping and looked over at Erwin.

 _“You know me too well,”_ Levi thought at Erwin.

“I'd like to discuss something with you all,” Erwin said. Levi put his fork down. Erwin took a moment to let everyone finish chewing and redirect their attention to him. “After a discussion with Levi, it has occurred to me that there might be other soldiers out there who have remembered and don't have a support system.” Erwin scanned all of the faces looking at him. Hange sat back in her chair and lifted her eyes to the ceiling, thinking about what Erwin said. Levi averted his eyes from Erwin, but Mike, Nanaba and Moblit continued to focus on him. “Does anyone have a suggestion about how we could reach out to them online without being very obvious?” Erwin had already thought of a plan, but he liked to collect information from different minds before he offered his own solutions sometimes.

“How do you mean without being obvious, Commander?” Moblit asked.

“Well,” Mike cleared his throat. “We need to put information online without revealing our identities for one. Especially, with Hange having such a high security clearance. She shouldn’t be associated with anything odd. You too, Moblit.” Moblit nodded and leaned back in his chair while he thought. He tapped his fork against his plate a few times.

“If it needs to be anonymous, then we should use Twitter,” Nanaba suggested. “Twitter doesn't require as much information as Facebook, but it's still one of the most widely used platforms. It would reach a lot of people.” Erwin nodded, wondering if they would put his entire plan together without his assistance at all.

“And we would need to use specific keywords,” Moblit added.

“That's what I was about to ask,” Erwin said. “What information should we put out?” The table dropped into silence, and Erwin waited patiently. He looked at each face around the table, watching their gears turn in their minds, except for Levi's. Levi seemed to be in a completely different place. Hange dropped her gaze from the ceiling and over to Erwin.

“We should tweet keywords, like Moblit said,” Hange offered. “But it needs to be very specific. If we tweeted something about the Military Police or the Garrison, it wouldn't make any sense without context. Survey Corps keywords might be the most effective. We could mention Titans too. Or 3DMG. Moblit,” Hange turned to Moblit and looked at him. “Could you draw pictures of all of the military branches insignia? We could use those for profile pictures.” Moblit nodded eagerly.

“Absolutely,” Moblit said. “I can draw those out tonight, but if we want them in color, then I won't be finished with them until next week.”

“Color would be preferable,” Erwin said, nodding. “There's no urgency to this. As for the content, I suppose we can all take the time to think about what we want to say.”

“We should send out something about the king,” Levi said. “Unless there’s another King Fritz that people would be searching for.”

“Not that I can think of,” Hange said. “The closest thing we have to a King Fritz is a type of horse. If we're going to do that, we could add information from the basement.” Levi's eyes dropped down his plate, and he wrapped his arms over his chest.

“That would be good,” Erwin said. “Except I don't think it's appropriate to post all of this in plain text.” Levi lifted his gaze and looked to Erwin. “I think we should all write letters in the language and character system from back then, take high quality pictures of the text and post them as images on the social media platform we choose. The only things we should post in plain text would be keywords that someone would use to find us. Preferably, we should post these keywords in multiple languages.” Moblit pulled out his cellphone and began Googling information. “Do you have a reservation, Moblit?”

“No, sir. I've never thought to look and see if our character system from that time is comparable to a modern language or a dead one,” Moblit said.

“That’s a good point,” Hange agreed, leaning over to look at Moblit’s phone.

“As far as I've researched, it's not,” Erwin said. “But if you two could check behind me, I would appreciate it.” 

“We’ll do a better search later,” Moblit whispered. Hange nodded. Moblit put his phone away, and they both looked back to the Commander.

“What do our letters need to say, Commander?” Nanaba asked.

“Basic information,” Erwin said. “Your name and rank, the branch that you served in. You could include your confirmed kill count, if you like.” Nanaba nodded, grasping what Erwin was saying. “It's not necessary to add anything very personal, especially not about your current life. We just want people to know that we're here and that we remember.”

“If this works, we might receive more responses than we can handle,” Levi suggested. “We might receive messages from civilians instead of only military personnel.” 

“It's possible,” Erwin said. “However, if that's the case, then we won't need to individually support all of them. If there are very many people who remember, then they can support each other as well. We could offer to connect them with others in their area. I imagine that we're spread out all over the world.” Levi nodded. “I'm more inclined to believe that there aren't very many of us who remember though, but it was also, dare I say, a miracle that the six of us found each other.”

“Unless you want to think of it as a universal pull towards those who are like yourself,” Hange said. “Hopefully, it works the same way for others.”

“I hope so too,” Erwin said. “And depending on what theory of how we remember you want to accept, being pulled towards someone from your first life could have different consequences.”

“How?” Levi asked.

“If you use my original theory, you are pulled to the person who is a soul mate, romantically involved or not,” Erwin said. “Then when you meet that other person, you will remember together, and you'll have an instant support system. However, Hange disagrees with that theory, and I’m more inclined to believe her recently.”

“Right,” Hange said. “Soul mates don't exist.” Levi looked over at her. “It makes more sense to me that you remember the person you thought of as you were dying. Their image is cemented into your psyche due to the trauma of death,” Hange nodded. “And when you find them again, the trauma is triggered, and you gain everything else back with it.”

“Except, I don't remember how I died,” Levi said.

“None of us do,” Hange said. “It's a defense mechanism for your brain. Look.” Hange picked up her fork and pointed to a slice of turkey left on her plate. She cut it in half with the edge of her fork. “Your mind partitioned itself to protect it from the trauma. We psychologically dissociated. Your mind keeps the safe half. And this other half,” Hange stabbed half of the turkey slice and put it in her mouth, chewing. Levi rolled his eyes and looked back at Erwin. Erwin smiled at him and shrugged.

“But if Hange’s theory is accurate,” Mike said. “Then, one person could remember, and the person they thought of when they died would still not regain their memories if they thought of someone else.”

“Correct,” Erwin said. “And we need to prepare for that. We may be contacted by people who remember everything and are unable to interact with the person who caused them to remember. That type of stress could be very dangerous. So, we should unanimously agree whether or not we want to do this.”

“I want to do it, Commander,” Moblit said instantly.

“Me too,” Nanaba said. Mike nodded. Hange swallowed finally.

“I think it's our duty to do this,” Hange said. Levi and Erwin looked at each other again.

“Tell me what could go wrong,” Levi said.

“A lot of things,” Erwin admitted.

“If we do this, you need to keep a leash on your guilt,” Levi said.

“It’s a possibility for all of us to have intense emotional responses to finding certain people,” Erwin said. “Having unpleasant memories come up isn't a deterrent for me.”

“But if it goes too far, or if it becomes too much for us, we need to pull the plug,” Levi said. “Can we all agree on that?” Levi looked around the table, and Mike nodded. Hange, Moblit and Nanaba didn't look so sure. 

“That's not the way of the Survey Corps,” Hange said. “We can’t give up trying to help others.” 

“We aren't in the Corps anymore,” Levi said. “We're modern people trying to maintain lives now. This shouldn’t be something that we’re doing to fulfill a hero complex. We should be doing this to assist others if they need help with something. And if they’re in a situation that we can’t help, we shouldn’t make their situation worse by insisting on trying to assist them.”

“I agree with Levi,” Erwin said. “We've always made decisions based on numbers, and considering that we are the only collection of soldiers that we know of, we should use the same ethical compass. Whatever does the most good for the most people. Which means, that if we a find a soldier that we can’t help without causing great loss to ourselves, we won’t be able to pursue their goals with them. Unfortunately, I don’t believe that all of us should make that decision together. It would only cause disagreement between us.”

“Benevolent dictatorship,” Levi suggested, looking around the table. “At Erwin's discretion.”

“But we didn't always make decisions based on numbers,” Hange insisted, looking at Levi. Fear raced up Levi's spine. He hadn't chosen humanity when he let Erwin die. They could have saved so many more people if he had chosen Erwin. Humanity still needed him. 

“I'm sorry, Hange,” Erwin said. Hange looked from Levi to Erwin. “If you decide that you must help every soldier you find no matter the circumstances, you would have to do it on your own.” Hange let out a heavy sigh followed by a growl. She raised her hands, took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes.

“We've made a lot of sacrifices, Hange,” Mike said.

“But they did too!” she insisted, taking her hands away from her eyes. “We can't play God and decide who's worth saving and who isn't!”

“We aren't deciding,” Levi said. “The soldier decides.” Hange looked down at him. “I decided I wanted to be functional. I decided to have a place in these ranks again. Every soldier should have the option. If they don’t want to be part of this anymore, then I don’t blame them.” Hange maintained eye contact with Levi for a moment, trying to think of a way to explain her viewpoint without belittling his accomplishments. 

“Hange,” Erwin said. Hange broke eye contact with Levi and looked to the Commander. “I wasn’t going to share this if the information wasn’t necessary, but it seems that you need a bit more explanation. This idea spawned from a conversation that Levi and I had about the very real possibility that if other soldiers were reincarnated,” Erwin stopped, his mind tripped over the word. He had never tried to use it out loud before. It sounded too strange. “If other soldiers came back, it’s possible that at least one of them has suffered with an addiction. And we won’t only be dealing with the possibility of addiction,” Erwin broke eye contact with Hange and looked around the table. “Our current lives have all affected us all to the point that we are at least a bit different. Among the soldiers that we find, there could be debilitating physical disabilities, mental illness, and any number of changes in their personality that you can imagine. If we meet someone that we want back in our lives, it’s not our decision. We have to be prepared for all types of rejection.” There were mixed reactions around the entire table. Moblit and Nanaba seemed to be adjusting to the information, but the three leaders at the table looked uncomfortable. “I’m sure you all remember each soldier who served under you,” Erwin suggested. “But if we decide to do this, then they may greet you warmly or shun you completely. Who is prepared to face either of those outcomes?” 

Erwin sat back in his chair and let everyone take a moment to think. He glanced around the table, reading all of the micro-expressions around the table. Levi looked determined, but unsure, second guessing himself. Hange looked a bit bewildered and put her glasses back on her face. Mike didn’t betray any emotion, but seemed to be making a mental list of all of the soldiers he led. Nanaba was looking up at Mike, and similarly, Moblit was looking to Hange, waiting for direction. 

“I’m willing,” Levi said, looking over to Erwin. “In NA, when you sponsor someone there are a lot of things you have to consider: over dependence, slip ups, complete relapse. And you have to consider protecting yourself as well. I’m willing to sacrifice anyone to keep what I have now. ” Erwin nodded to him. 

“Anyone at all?” Hange asked. Levi looked to her. “Even your own squad members?” 

“Yes,” Levi said. 

“You would give up having them in your life again  just because they weren’t the same?” Hange asked. 

“It’s not about them not being the same,” Levi said. “I’m saying that if I found one of my squad members as high as I was two and a half years ago with no intention of recovery, I could walk away.” 

“Erwin didn’t walk away,” Hange snapped. 

“If I hadn’t gone to the hospital that day, he would’ve walked away. That’s why I went in the fucking first place, Hange.” She sighed and tapped her fork against her plate nervously. 

“I’m sorry,” she said. "I’m just having a really hard time with this.” 

“We don’t have to decide on this right now,” Erwin suggested. “Let’s all take some time to think about it.”

“Way to ruin family dinner, Erwin,” Levi teased. Erwin chuckled at him. 

“According to television, you can’t have family dinner without some drama,” Erwin said. 

“Nanaba’s pregnant!” Moblit screamed. 

“What?” Mike snapped. His eyes darted to Nanaba. 

“No, no, no, no, NO!” Nanaba said, waving her hands in front of her. 

“Don't do that to me, Moblit,” Mike said, pointing at him. 

“You would be the first to know, dummy,” Nanaba said. 

“It could be true!” Mike insisted. Levi scooped up a handful of his mashed potatoes and swiped them across Hange’s glasses while she was distracted by the outburst. 

“LEVI!” she screamed. Levi jumped up from the table and walked out of the room, into the kitchen.

“Don’t slurp your potatoes!” Levi yelled back at her. He went to the kitchen sink and washed his hand off. Noise was still erupting from the dining room while Levi walked towards the back of the house. He walked out the back door to the patio and pulled out another cigarette. Moving over to the red cup that he had left outside, Levi lit his cigarette and inhaled, staring out into the dark back yard.

The back door opened, and Levi turned to see if Hange was following him out of the house to kick his ass. Instead, Erwin stepped down onto the patio. When Erwin closed the door behind him, he walked over to Levi and stood next to him. Levi looked up at Erwin face’s while he took a drag. Something looked different. 

“What’s wrong?” Levi asked quietly. Erwin shook his head. 

“I think I feel a migraine developing,” Erwin said. 

“Where?” Levi asked. Erwin lifted his head and traced a line from his right temple, down around his ear and farther down into his neck. “From all of the noise?” 

“No,” Erwin whispered. “I have them sometimes.” 

“Do you want to go home?” Levi muttered, keeping his voice quiet for Erwin. 

“No,” Erwin whispered. “I want to stay.” Levi stepped away from Erwin a bit before he took another drag. When he exhaled the smoke, he made sure to blow it away from Erwin. “After you finish, we need to help clean up, and then, we can go home.” 

“If it gets worse, you need to go sit in the car,” Levi instructed. “Don’t suffer through it because you feel like you have to.” 

“Alright,” Erwin agreed quietly. Levi threw his half finished cigarette down into the red cup. He turned to go back into the house, and Erwin followed closely behind him. 

When they stepped back into the house, Levi saw Hange run through the house, Moblit close behind her. She was yelling something at Moblit, but they were moving too fast for Levi to catch it. Erwin and Levi walked back into the kitchen to find Mike and Nanaba cleaning up already. Nanaba had already packed up Erwin and Levi’s leftovers to take home in the cardboard box they brought, including dessert. 

“What’s Hange doing?” Levi asked. 

“Getting ready for Black Friday,” Nanaba said. Levi looked at the clock on one of the stoves. 

“It’s only seven,” Levi said. 

“Yep,” Nanaba replied. Levi raised his eyebrows and opened one of the dishwashers. Mike was rinsing dishes off and he handed them to Levi to stack into the machine. “You don’t look so good, Commander,” Nanaba said. Levi looked up from his work and over at Erwin, who was putting things back in the refrigerator. His eyes looked dull, heavy lidded and his mouth was a thin line. 

“Go to the car,” Levi said. Erwin closed the refrigerator and walked out of the kitchen, towards the front of the house. Levi watched him go and listened for the front door before he went back to loading the dishwasher. 

“What’s up?” Mike asked. He handed a dish that he had rinsed off to Levi. 

“Migraine,” Levi said. 

“He didn’t bring his medicine?” Mike asked. 

“I guess not,” Levi said. “What does he take? Do you know?” 

“No,” Mike said. “It works though.” 

“Good,” Levi said before adding another dish to the dishwasher. 

“When you get done with that, take him home,” Mike said. Levi only nodded, continuing to fill the dishwasher with the rinsed dishes that Mike handed to him. Once the dishwasher was filled, there were only dishes left that had to be hand washed. Levi added some detergent to the dishwasher before closing the door and starting the machine. He stood erect and jutted his hand out to Mike. Mike reached over and shook Levi’s hand with his own, still wet from rinsing dishes. Levi dried his hand on a dish towel before he moved to Nanaba. He leaned up and kissed her cheek. 

“Happy Thanksgiving,” Levi said. Nanaba startled when the Captain put a kiss on her cheek. Levi quickly grabbed up the cardboard box of their leftovers and began walking to the front of the house. Nanaba and Mike turned, watching Levi leave the kitchen. 

Precariously, Levi opened the front door and walked out, struggling to shut the door behind him. He walked over to the SUV, that was already running and opened the back passenger door. Sliding the box into the back seat, Levi adjusted it so it wouldn’t move so much while he was driving. Then, he closed the door and walked around to the front of the vehicle. 

Levi opened the driver’s side door and stepped into the tall SUV. He settled into the front seat, closed his door and looked over at Erwin, who had his forearm thrown over his eyes to shield them from the internal lights of the car. Once the car was dark again, Erwin moved his arm away from his eyes and blinked. Levi took the time to adjust the seat so he could reach the pedals, and he changed the angle of the mirrors so he could see in them. Once he felt comfortable in the bigger vehicle, he buckled his safety belt and put the car in drive. Then, he thought better of it and pulled out his phone. He put Erwin’s address into his GPS and set it to navigate. 

The drive home was silent while Levi was listening to the GPS directions. He kept the volume low on his phone so it wouldn’t disturb Erwin. There wasn’t very much traffic due to the holiday, and Levi drove a bit faster than he normally would. He still drove carefully, but when there were times that he wouldn’t have to make a turn for a while, he sped. Anytime he had a chance, he would glance over at Erwin, who was slumped in his seat with his elbow propped on the door, his forehead resting in his hand. Levo wasn’t comfortable enough with the vehicle to take one hand from the wheel, or he would’ve put his hand on Erwin’s thigh. But he wanted to focus on getting them both home. 

When they pulled up into Erwin’s driveway, Levi reached up and pressed the remote to open the garage door. It seemed like the door was slower than he remembered, but he knew that was just because he was worried about Erwin. Eventually, the garage door was open enough for Levi to pull into it. He pressed the remote button again, and the garage door began lowering. Once Levi put the car in park, Erwin reached over and turned off the ignition, taking his keys. He opened the passenger door without a word and stepped out of the car, closing the door behind him. 

Levi opened his door and climbed out of the car, turning off the GPS of his phone and putting it back in his pocket. He closed his door and opened the one behind it. When he reached into the back seat, he had to climb up on the side step of the vehicle to reach the cardboard box. Once he had it in hand, he leaned out of the vehicle, closed the door and walked into the house. 

Erwin wasn’t around when Levi closed the door to the mudroom, locking it, and walked into the kitchen. He began unpacking the cardboard box and putting the leftovers in the refrigerator. When all of the leftovers were put away, Levi left the box on the counter, leaving the kitchen and going to the hallway. He didn’t even give his eyes time to adjust to the dark hallway.

The door to Erwin’s bedroom was open, and Levi couldn’t see into it at all. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and turned on the screen to use as a light. When the phone illuminated the floor, he saw that Erwin had left a trail of his clothes leading to the bed. Levi followed the trail and turned off his phone screen when he reached Erwin’s side of the bed. 

“Did you take your medicine?” Levi asked quietly. 

“Yes,” Erwin muttered. Levi reached out in the dark and found one of Erwin’s biceps. He lifted his hand. 

“Does it still bother you to be touched when you’re in pain?” Levi asked. 

“No,” Erwin whispered. Levi returned his fingertips to Erwin’s arm and followed it up to his shoulder. Once he knew where Erwin was, Levi lifted his hand to Erwin’s hair and ran his fingers through the thick, blond locks. He leaned over in the dark and pressed a gentle kiss to Erwin’s forehead. 

“Text me if you need something,” Levi whispered. Erwin didn’t respond. Levi leaned up away from Erwin, and took his hand from Erwin’s hair. He stepped back in the dark and followed the same path out of the bedroom. 

******

Three hours later, Levi was sitting on the couch, watching television with a bowl of banana pudding in the center of his criss-crossed legs. He mindlessly directed a spoonful of pudding to his mouth while he read the subtitles on the TV. Levi wasn’t sure how sensitive Erwin was to sound during a migraine, and the show had a lot of screaming arguments in it. Watching it on subtitles wasn’t so bad.

“Levi,” Erwin said. Levi looked from the TV, spoon still in his mouth, at a naked Erwin who was peeking at him from the hallway. “What are you doing?” Erwin asked with a laugh in his voice. Levi took the spoon out of his mouth and swallowed. 

“What does it look like?” Levi asked. Erwin chuckled and walked around the couch. Levi watched him move, and his eyes only dropped to Erwin’s cock once. “Feeling better?” 

“Yes,” Erwin said. He sat down next to Levi and took the spoon out of his hand. Erwin dipped the spoon into the bowl and put some pudding in his own mouth. 

“Better enough to steal from me,” Levi commented. Erwin grinned at Levi, a speck of pudding on his bottom lip. Automatically, Levi leaned up and licked the stray pudding off Erwin’s lip. Erwin gasped and pulled back from Levi, surprised by the gesture. “Give me my spoon back,” Levi snapped, taking the spoon from Erwin. Erwin’s tongue darted out, swiping over the spot Levi licked. 

“You’ve been so affectionate today,” Erwin said. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Levi said. 

“That comment at dinner, taking care of me when we came home,” Erwin said. “Licking me,” Levi put another bite of pudding in his mouth and read the subtitles on the television, ignoring Erwin’s words. Erwin didn’t appreciate being ignored. He leaned over and pressed his lips against the sensitive skin under Levi’s jaw. His tongue darted out and wet Levi’s skin tenderly. Levi almost choked on the pudding in his throat, but he was able to swallow. He cleared his throat and offered the pudding bowl to Erwin, not taking his eyes from the television. Erwin looked down at the bowl and took it. He ate a bite and watched the subtitles on the screen. 

“Seeing you in pain still gets to me,” Levi said. Erwin’s eyes moved over to Levi’s face. 

“Yeah?” Erwin asked. “Doesn’t explain the comment at the table.” 

“I had to teach Mike a lesson,” Levi said. “He cheated by saying he was thankful for Nanaba. Of course, he’s fucking thankful for his wife.” Erwin smiled before he took another bite of the dessert. He dipped the spoon back into the pudding and offered it to Levi. Levi leaned down and took the bite from the spoon. He turned his eyes back to the television while he worked the food in his mouth. 

“It was sweet,” Erwin muttered. 

“Speaking of Mike, let me ask you something,” Levi said. Erwin hummed in response. “He told me about your senior prank.” Levi looked at Erwin. Erwin continued to eat the pudding. “What you did to the guidance counselor.” 

“Right,” Erwin said after he swallowed. 

“What did he do to piss you off?” Levi asked. 

“He was bad at his job.” 

“Specifics,” Levi said. 

“He outed one of our gay classmates to her parents,” Erwin explained. “When he found out that she had outed herself to a few people in our class, he called her parents and said they should come to the school for a guided discussion with her. From the way she explained what happened, three adults interrogated her about her sexual preferences and history. Her parents sent her to a summer camp that claimed to rehabilitate gay children. He ruined her life that year. And two years later, when I was a senior, a freshman threatened to commit suicide and the counselor didn’t call his parents, or anyone, to ask for any help on the student's behalf. His methods frustrated me, and I childishly believed that I should frustrate him in return. But it didn’t solve any of his ignorance. It was a waste of time.” 

“Do you regret it?” Levi asked. 

“No.” Erwin ate another bite of pudding and offered one to Levi. Levi leaned over and took the bite. He didn’t respond to Erwin’s story, but he uncrossed his legs and laid out on the couch, resting his head on Erwin’s naked thigh. He reached up and pushed his hair back so it wouldn’t get in his way of watching the TV. Reaching out for the remote, Levi unmuted the television and turned off the subtitles. He dropped the remote back on the coffee table. Erwin put the pudding on the couch next to him and ran his fingers through Levi’s thin, dark hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Thanksgiving!
> 
> Thank you to my beta reader Sithiere!
> 
> Thank you for your continuing to read and showing your support! And thanks to the readers who have sent me asks on [Tumblr](http://valisi-clark.tumblr.com/). It's been fun to answer those!


	20. November 28, 2014

The next afternoon, Erwin took Levi's hand in his own, lacing their fingers, before he knocked on Mike and Nanaba's front door. Within seconds, Nanaba opened the front door and smiled widely at them. 

“Yay!” Nanaba exclaimed. She was wearing blue jeans and an old shirt that looked like it belonged to Mike. It was too big. 

“Hello, Nanaba,” Erwin smiled widely. Nanaba focused on Levi, and she nodded to him. 

“Hey,” Levi said. 

“Come in!” she said and stepped back to let them inside. Erwin stepped inside, pulling his hand away from Levi's, and Levi followed him into the house. “Mike, put a shirt on, they're here!” Nanaba closed the door behind the men and took the lead. They walked through the short foyer and took an immediate left to go into the small living room. 

Mike was standing in the middle of the room staring at the TV. A pair of big headphones with an attached microphone were on his head. He was wearing his sleeping pants still, shirtless. 

“Mike, please,” Nanaba begged. 

“Almost, baby,” Mike insisted. Nanaba huffed, but Levi passed her and walked up to stand next to Mike to watch the game. Mike was playing a multiplayer war game, and it looked to Levi like it was a free-for-all. Erwin casually walked past Nanaba and to the kitchen, she followed. Erwin thought he should give Mike and Levi some space after the previous day. Levi hadn't mentioned whether or not they were on better terms yet. Erwin leaned against the kitchen counter and watched Nanaba approach him. 

“Is your migraine gone today?” Nanaba asked. She leaned against the kitchen counter next to Erwin. 

“Yes. Thank you." 

“Good because-” Nanaba was interrupted. 

“FUCK! YES! EAT THAT, YOU SON OF A BITCH! COME BACK WHEN YOUR BALLS DROP!” Mike was screaming at the top of his voice. Nanaba cringed. “Baby, I kicked so much ass just now! You should've seen it.” 

“Because it's not very quiet around here,” Nanaba commented, deadpan. Erwin was holding a hand in front of his mouth, trying not to laugh. When Nanaba saw Erwin's face, she broke out into giggles. Erwin took his hand away from his mouth even though he was still smiling. 

“It sounds like he's doing a good job of killing people,” Erwin commented. 

“I don't know how he can stand it after being in two wars,” Nanaba said. “I can't barely look at it.”

“I didn't get a chance to ask you yesterday because you distracted me with pudding," Erwin eyed her, and Nanaba blushed. "How is school going?” Erwin asked. 

“Great,” Nanaba nodded. “I'm going to graduate on time.” 

“Are you going to vet school after that?” Erwin asked. Nanaba shook her head. 

“I want to go to work, and if I like it as much as I think I will, then I'll go,” Nanaba explained. “How's work for you?” 

“I'm grading tests a lot easier,” Erwin admitted. “Giving more bonuses.” 

“Lucky kids.” 

“Baby, please, come here,” Mike called. 

“You come here!” Nanaba snapped. Erwin furrowed his brows. He leaned away from the counter and walked around to peek into the living room. 

Now Mike and Levi were both holding a wireless controller. They were playing Mario Cart. 

“Who's winning?” Erwin asked. 

“Levi is cheating,” Mike accused. 

“Yep,” Levi said. “Cheating. Your controller is broken. The game is rigged.” 

“We're switching controllers next game,” Mike said. 

“Whatever,” Levi snapped.

When the game ended, Levi grinned. 

“You suck at this,” Levi said. 

“I'm off my game,” Mike said. “I haven't had anyone to practice with. Nanaba sucks, and Hange and Moblit don't come over very often.” 

“I heard that!” Nanaba called from the kitchen. 

“I love you!” Mike called back. 

“Order pizza for lunch, Mike! I'm not cooking today.” 

“But homemade ice cream!” Mike called back desperately, begging a little. Nanaba walked up behind Erwin then, phone in her hand, checking Facebook. She turned off the screen and put it in her pocket. 

“What kind?” she asked. 

“Peach.” Mike gave her a dazzling smile, and Levi looked to Nanaba to see her face soften. 

“If you ever lose that smile, you're in trouble,” Nanaba said. Mike turned back to the TV and started a new game with Levi. 

“If I win, Nanaba makes vanilla instead of peach ice cream,” Levi offered. 

“She doesn't have the ingredients.” 

“Yes, I do,” Nanaba said. 

“You wouldn't-” Mike looked at Nanaba with wide, brown eyes. 

“Kick his ass if you want peach,” Nanaba threatened with a grin. 

“You're supposed to be on my side, Nana!” Mike snapped. Erwin was leaning against the door frame between the kitchen and living room, smiling. 

_“This is precious,” _Erwin thought.__

Levi beat Mike that time, earning first place, and the tall man hit his knees dramatically. 

“Oh my God,” Mike breathed. “What have I done?” He hung his head. Levi frowned down at Mike on his knees. 

“Fucking drama queen,” Levi muttered. Nanaba left her place next to Erwin and began walking over to Mike. Seeing that Nanaba was walking towards Mike, Levi set his controller down on the coffee table behind him and walked over to Erwin to take Nanaba's place. Erwin reached out and put his arm around Levi, pulling him close. Levi leaned into Erwin and noticed that Nanaba's walk seemed to be predatory. He had never seen that before. Nanaba approached Mike and stood over him, looking down at him. 

“Trade?” Nanaba offered. Mike looked up at her with a devious smirk. “For the usual.” Levi looked between the both of them, curious and disturbed at the same time.

“Trade,” Mike agreed. 

“I'll make both,” Nanaba said. 

“Deal,” Mike offered his hand up and Nanaba shook it. He turned her hand and kissed her knuckles. Nanaba took her hand back. 

“Order pizza,” she reminded him. He nodded and stood then to get his phone and order. Nanaba looked back to Erwin and Levi. “Would you like a drink, gentlemen?” Nanaba offered. 

“We can get it,” Erwin said. He turned and went back into the kitchen. Levi followed. There were red plastic cups next to the refrigerator, and Erwin took one before passing one to Levi. Levi took his cup and got ice from the refrigerator door. 

When they both had some ice water, they walked back into the living room. Mike was in his recliner with his phone in his hand. Erwin moved over to the couch, and he and Levi sat down together. Nanaba sat in her recliner and criss-crossed her legs under her. 

“What do you two want?” Mike asked. Erwin looked to Levi. 

“Pepperoni,” Levi said. He wasn't sure what kind of pizza Erwin liked and wanted to keep it generic.

“Extra cheese,” Erwin said and nodded to Mike. Mike's thumb moved across the screen. 

“Nana?" Mike asked. 

“Whatever you want, babe,” she said without looking up. “No black olives.” 

“Half,” Mike offered. 

“On your half,” she agreed. 

“Do you two have to negotiate every fucking thing?” Levi asked. 

“Pretty much,” Mike said. His thumb was still moving across his phone. 

“Someone has to stay on top of him,” Nanaba said. 

"She does a good job," Mike said. Nanaba glared at him for a full minute. Mike didn't look away from his phone. Erwin leaned back and rested his left arm against the back of the couch above Levi. Nanaba put her phone down then. 

“What's new, Levi?” Nanaba asked. 

“Nothing,” Levi said. “I'm a dental hygienist. The only thing that changes up my days is what mouth I'm working on.” Nanaba nodded.

“You let someone pay you to put your hands in strangers mouths,” Mike grumbled. He turned his phone off and put it on his leg. Lifting one of his hands, Mike scratched at his bare chest, disturbing his thick chest hair. He smoothed it back out. 

“What are you two doing now?” Levi's eyes bounced between them. 

“I'm in school for vet assistant,” Nanaba said. 

“I'm Mr. Nanaba,” Mike said. “Official trophy husband.” Nanaba rolled her eyes. “But I'm also a mechanical engineer. It's my second job,” Mike said. He put his phone in his pocket and stood from his chair then. “Where are my cigarettes, Nana?” 

“Wherever you left them,” Nanaba said, as usual. Mike grimaced at her before walking out of the living room and into the kitchen. Levi stood, and Erwin watched him walk past to follow Mike outside. 

“They were on the counter! Just in case you were wondering!” Mike called back, begrudgingly, before he opened the back door. Levi followed him out, and closed the door behind them. A German Shepherd ran up to Mike from the backyard, wagging its tail. “Lay down,” Mike commanded. The dog laid down, happily panting. “Good girl.” Mike pulled a cigarette out and lit it. Levi walked up to his side, looking down at the dog. 

“She's pretty,” Levi commented. Blitz titled her head and looked up at Levi. “Can I pet her?” 

“Yeah,” Mike said. Levi knelt down and scratched the dog behind one of her ears. She leaned in timidly to the scratches, and pressed harder into his hand as she became more comfortable. When Levi decided he was done, he stood up from kneeling and wiped his hand on his jeans before he took out his cigarette pack. He opened it, took a cigarette out and put his pack away. He was fumbling for his lighter in his other pocket, and Mike offered his instead. Levi took it and lit his cigarette before passing the lighter back. 

Mike exhaled smoke and looked straight ahead. 

“Erwin told me you got married,” Levi said. 

“Not much sense in waiting,” Mike said. Levi nodded and dragged on his cigarette. He inhaled, pushing the smoke into his lungs. 

“I asked Erwin about why he fucked with the guidance counselor in high school.” 

“What did he say?” 

“He said the guy outed a gay girl and didn't help a suicidal student,” Levi explained. “It sounded like social justice revenge.” Mike furrowed his eyebrows and dragged on his cigarette again. He exhaled while Levi took a drag on his own cigarette. 

“I don't remember much about high school,” Mike said. “Except the girls.” Levi shrugged. At their feet, Blitz jerked, and Levi looked down at her. “Is that a squirrel?” Mike whispered to the dog. Levi looked up and across the yard. A squirrel was digging next to the back of the fence around the yard. “Blitz is that a squirrel?” Mike asked in a lower whisper. Blitz whimpered. “Go get it!” Blitz shot from the porch and darted across the back yard. The squirrel had already started climbing the fence by the time she reached the back of the yard. She settled for barking at the little animal while it stood on top of the fence and looked down at her. 

“I'm planning on apologizing to Nanaba today,” Levi said. Mike looked down at him. Levi was flicking his cigarette in his hand repetitively. “Do I need to put Moblit on my list?” 

“I don't know,” Mike said. “He wasn't around much after we found Hange. And he avoided conversation with Erwin almost completely before she came around.” 

“In his emails, Erwin said that Moblit seemed to respond to him as a authority figure still.” 

“I still can't get Moblit to address me by my name,” Mike said. 

“Me either.” 

“After yesterday, I thought about why you left some more. I get it now,” Mike said. Levi glanced down at the little white and gray scars on the crook of his arm. Under his shirt, they ran all the way up to his shoulder. There were a few on the tops of his feet, in his shoes. “Sometimes I didn't have to remember everything but still keep Nanaba.” Mike took a final drag from this cigarette and exhaled when he tossed the butt into the can on his left. Levi looked at his own cigarette. He still had some left. Mike stood with him while he finished. Poor Blitz was still running along the fence waiting for the squirrel to come back. When Levi reached the filter, he handed his cigarette butt to Mike. Mike took it and tossed it in the can. Then, Mike whistled, and Blitz turned around. She ran up to the men as they turned to go back into the house. 

When Mike opened the door, Blitz ran past him into the house. Levi closed the door behind them and walked back into the living room. He paused when he saw Blitz was laying on the couch next to Erwin, in his place, her head in Erwin's lap. Erwin was smiling brightly petting her head, saying hello, praising her quietly. 

“Stop spoiling her,” Mike told Erwin. 

“It's okay to be spoiled,” Erwin said. “Right, girl?” The dog's tongue drooped out of her mouth. It looked like she was grinning. Levi walked over to the couch and looked down at the dog. “Move, girl,” Erwin said quietly, with a push to her haunches. She jumped down from the couch, and Levi sat down. Erwin moved closer to Levi on the couch. Blitz forced her way between the coffee table and Erwin's legs. She jumped up on the couch on the other side of Erwin and laid down next to him. Levi noticed that she side-eyed him, but he maintained eye contact until she looked away. 

“Are you intimidating my dog?” Mike asked. Levi sat back on the couch, crossed his legs and got comfortable. 

“No,” Levi said. 

“Levi,” Nanaba said. Levi looked over at her. “Did Erwin tell you that we all have Survey Corps tattoos now?” 

“Yeah,” Levi said. “I have one too.” 

“Already?” Nanaba asked excitedly. “Let me see!” Levi lifted his left leg and pulled the leg of his black jeans up. She smiled. “Awesome.” 

“Show him yours again, babe,” Mike teased. Nanaba shot him a look. 

“You know I don't wear panties at home, you asshole,” Nanaba snapped. Mike shook his head then. 

“Nope,” Mike said. “Never mind.” Erwin laughed, and Levi was grinning. Nanaba stood then. 

“I need to start the ice cream,” she said. Levi stood too, grabbing his cup of water. 

“Show me how to make it,” Levi said. 

“Sure,” Nanaba smiled and he followed her into the kitchen. “Get the ice cream makers out for me,” Nanaba said. “They're in that bottom cabinet next to the fridge.” Levi went to the cabinet she described and started pulling out the equipment. When it was all spread out on the counter, Nanaba began assembling it. Then she moved both of the little machines closer to wall outlets. 

Nanaba explained every step of the recipe to Levi. He helped by grabbing things from the refrigerator and handing them to Nanaba when she asked for them. The vanilla had all of the ingredients he expected, but when Nanaba made the peach, she used peach soda instead of real peaches. 

Once the liquid ice cream was poured into the makers, Nanaba added ice and rock salt on the outer rim of the machine. Then she plugged the makers in and they started churning. The doorbell rang.

“Pizza!” Mike called from the living room. 

“It's easy,” Nanaba said. “It just takes a while.” 

“What did Mike trade with you for you to make both?” Levi asked. Nanaba visibly blushed and giggled nervously. Levi held up a hand, seeing the reaction. “If it's got to do with fucking, you don't have to say.” Nanaba laughed again. 

“You guessed it,” she said. Levi walked away from the counter and back into the living room. Mike had already opened his pizza box and had started eating. Erwin was looking at his phone. 

“What's so interesting?” Levi asked as he sat down next to Erwin. 

“Reddit,” Erwin said. He turned the screen of his phone off and Levi opened the pizza box. They each took a slice, and Levi watched Nanaba sit on the carpeted floor next to Mike's chair so she would be close to the pizza. Mike handed her a slice without black olives and she ate. Levi cringed a little that Nanaba wasn't eating over a plate or the box. Blitz's head was raised from the couch, and she was intently watching Nanaba, waiting for a crumb to fall. 

“Moblit's been texting me,” Mike said. 

“Videos?” Nanaba asked. Mike nodded, grinning. “Can we watch them in the game room when we're done?” 

“Yes we can.” Mike put his phone down and petted Nanaba's head a bit. She frowned but didn't protest. 

“Videos of what?” Levi asked. 

“I told Moblit to take videos of Hange shopping so we could watch the insanity from a safe distance,” Mike said. Levi smirked and finished eating in silence. 

Erwin and Levi finished eating before Mike and Nanaba. There was a few slices left in Erwin and Levi's pizza box, but Mike and Nanaba's box was empty when they had finished. Erwin stood from the couch to go use the toilet, and Levi leaned back on the couch to give him enough room to pass by. 

Then, Mike stood, offering his hand out to Nanaba. She took it and lifted herself from the floor. Levi leaned forward to the coffee table and closed the pizza box. He stood and picked up the box to take it to the kitchen. 

When Levi came back to the living room, he saw Nanaba standing near the hallway. He turned to follow her, and she started walking down the hallway. 

Mike and Nanaba's house was small, but it looked comfortable. It was more cluttered than Erwin's house, but it wasn't dirty. Unlike Erwin's house, there were even pictures on the walls. Some frames lined the walls of the hallway, mostly pictures of Nanaba and Mike together. A few of them were of children and a man and woman Levi had never seen. He guessed it must have been Nanaba's family.

The hallway was short, and it didn't have as many doors as Erwin's. Nanaba turned to a door on the right, and Levi followed. The room was a small bedroom, without a bed. On the largest wall, Mike had his computer set up. On the opposite wall was a flatscreen television mounted to the wall. There weren't any chairs in the room besides the computer chair Mike was sitting in. Nanaba stood in the middle of the room watching the television. Levi walked over to her and stood by her side. 

They watched as Mike moved the mouse over his screen, pulling up his email in several windows. There was a video attachment in every email from Moblit. After he downloaded all of the videos, Mike put all of them in a folder that he titled “Hange Black Friday Shopping 2014”. 

“So this is Moblit's first year shopping with her?” Levi asked. 

“Yeah,” Mike said behind him.

“They aren't finished yet?” Nanaba asked. “Didn't they start at midnight?” 

“Yep,” Mike nodded, grinning. Levi pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked at the time. 

“Holy shit it's three already,” Levi said, stuffing his phone back in his pocket. “What the hell is she buying?” 

“No clue,” Mike said. Erwin walked into the room then and stood by Levi. “Everybody ready?” All three of them responded with an affirmative nod.

Mike pulled up the first video Moblit had sent to him. With his camera phone, Moblit was filming Hange who was looking over a long list. Then, he backed away and filmed the huge line they were standing in before he raised the camera and showed that they were standing in front of a Target. Once he had the shot, he walked closer to Hange. She was whispering under her breath. She suddenly looked up from the list in her hand with wild eyes. 

“Alright, Moblit,” Hange said. “The strategy is electronics, home goods and then clothing. Got it?” 

“Yes, sir,” Moblit said. Hange looked at her watch. 

“It's almost time,” she said. She folded the piece of paper and put it in her pocket. Moblit turned the camera off. Mike clicked out of the video and selected the next video. 

“Oh, no,” Erwin said when he saw the first frame of the shot in the media player. It was shaky, but they could all barely see an image of Hange. 

“Ready?” Mike asked. 

“Play it,” Levi said. 

Mike pressed play, and Moblit was filming Hange running through the store. She slid across the laminate floor, making a squealing sound with her running shoes before she took a left. Then, when Moblit turned the corner, he filmed her running up to a shelf of electronics. Instead of taking a boxed electronic from the shelf in front of her, Hange jumped and grabbed a box from the top shelf, mid-air. When she landed smoothly, she turned and started running towards Moblit. 

“Go! Go! Go! Go!” she screamed as she ran towards him. Moblit didn't move fast enough, and the video ended when Hange ran into him. Levi shook his head in disbelief. 

“What the fuck,” he breathed. Erwin and Nanaba chuckled. “Why can't she just take it from the shelf right in front of her?” 

“That's too easy,” Mike offered while he pulled up the next video. 

Mike pressed play, and the first thing they heard was Hange screaming. She was in a large display bin of clothing, digging voraciously through the pile looking for the perfect color and pattern of footie pajamas she wanted. All of the veterans laughed lightly at the video. 

“Hange! You don't have to scream!” Moblit screamed. 

“I can't find the unicorns, Moblit! What do you mean don't scream?” she screamed back, still digging. “Purple with unicorns, Moblit! Help me look!” 

“Forget it, Hange!” Moblit snapped. Hange surfaced from the pile of clothing with purple unicorn footie pajamas in hand. 

“Then you can forget your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles boxers-” The video stopped. Mike snorted before he started laughing. Nanaba laughed at Mike snorting. Levi felt uncomfortable, and Erwin was too busy wondering why she had been allowed to crawl into the display bin at all. 

“When is Moblit's birthday?” Nanaba asked after she stopped laughing. 

“Late April,” Erwin offered. “The 25th, I think.” Levi looked up at Erwin, who was still staring at the screen.

“How do you remember that shit?” Levi whispered. 

“We're having a Teenage Mutant Ninja birthday party for him then,” Nanaba laughed. “Complete with boxers and panties, all decorated with ninja turtles.” Levi looked back at the screen. 

“Including a piñata,” Levi added. Mike's mouse was moving over the screen to pull up the next video.

Mike pressed play, and Moblit was filming Hange standing in line again. He filmed in a circle, showing the veterans that they were in a very crowded and loud Best Buy. When he turned back around to Hange, she looked very much worse for wear. He was only filming the back of her head, but her pony tail was low, and her hair was mussed. 

“It's about 11 in the morning,” Moblit said, weakly. “We've been to Target. Then, we went to the mall and stood in line for it to open. I couldn't film once we were inside because we were running the whole time. We've been to Old Navy, World Market, Sears, Old Navy again because SHE FORGOT SOMETHING.” Hange's shoulders tensed, and Moblit stopped talking for a moment. “She fought a middle-aged woman over a wrench set before we left. And then we stopped by a Starbucks on the way over here.” Hange relaxed a little more. “And after this, she says we're going to get some lunch and take a break.” 

“We still need to go by Lowe's,” Hange said without turning around. The camera started shaking. 

“If I don't get some fucKING PANERA BREAD BY NOON THIRTY, I SWEAR-” Hange whipped around, wild eyed and frighteningly pissed. 

“Turn the fucking camera off!” she snapped. The video stopped right as Hange launched herself at the camera. All of the veterans burst into laughter, and Nanaba hit her knees. She leaned over on the carpet and held her stomach while she laughed. Levi was trying to restrain himself, but seeing Nanaba hit her knees tickled him even more. Mike was laughing the loudest. 

“Someone-” Erwin broke down into laughter again. He stopped laughing to take a breath and try and compose himself some more, running his hand over his hair. “Someone really needs to call one of them. Make sure they haven't killed each other.” No one else had recovered enough to speak. It took a few minutes for all of them to catch their breath. Mike had to wipe tears from his eyes before he turned around. He saw Nanaba on the floor and he snorted again. 

“You gonna make it, baby?” Mike asked. 

“Yeah,” Nanaba whined. “He's just so pissed.” She giggled. “I've never seen him so angry.” Levi smiled down at her. 

“Alright,” Mike said. Nanaba took a big breath before she sat up on her knees. “Ready?” 

“Yes,” Erwin said. 

Mike played the next video. Moblit was filming Hange eating. She had a sandwich in each hand, taking a bite from both without swallowing much. 

“I wasn't the only one who was hungry,” Moblit said. Hange glared at him while she took another bite. Levi cringed when some sauce from the sandwich drip from her chin. Erwin looked down at Levi knowing it would gross him out. He chuckled when he saw Levi's face. Levi looked up at him. Erwin looked back to the television. Hange finished eating quickly. Moblit offered her a napkin and she took it, only messing up her face more. 

Hange looked worse this time. Her glasses were low on her nose, the stress on her face was obvious, and her hair was all out of place, nearly fallen all of the way down. 

“Okay,” Moblit sighed. “So Lowe's next?” Hange nodded before she picked up her drink and began gulping down Coke. “Wave for the camera.” Hange waved dismissively. Moblit stopped the video. 

Mike moved to the next video and started it. Moblit was chasing Hange through Lowe's. She took a sharp right down an aisle, and he followed closely. 

“Hange! We shouldn't run!” Moblit called after her. She didn't slow down. After another left turn, Moblit finally caught up to Hange when she stopped. She was standing in front of a display of shower accessories, desperately looking over the shelves. 

“It's not here!” Hange screamed. 

“What! What's not here!” Moblit screamed back. 

“The shower head!” Hange screamed at him. She held her hands up over her head. “They ran out?!” Moblit didn't say anything for a moment. Hange continued to hold her hands over her head. “THEY RAN OUT?!” 

“Can I help you?” a store employee asked. Moblit moved the camera to show a young man's face. Then, Hange came into the frame, grabbing the employee by his blue apron. 

“The 18 inch rainfall showerhead!” Hange screamed. “You ran out?!” The shocked employee just nodded, his eyes wide with fear. Hange gasped and let go of his apron. She looked at Moblit with tears in her eyes. The Lowe's employee quickly moved away from Hange. 

“Hange-”

“Moblit!” Hange squalled. “They ran out!” 

“It's okay!” 

“No!” Hange screamed, pushing her hands up to her face. “It was on sale!” she screamed into her hands. 

“Bed, Bath and Beyond,” Moblit offered. Levi face palmed. 

Hange lifted her face from her hands. She gasped and tackled Moblit, screaming. The video ended.

“Awww,” Nanaba chuckled. “That was so precious.” 

“And that's why they're still shopping,” Mike said. “Going around the city trying to find that one shower head.” 

“He shouldn't have offered,” Levi shook his head, taking his hand from his face. 

“But it's so sweet,” Nanaba said, looking up at the Captain. “He hates it so much, but she cried so he helped her.” 

“I love you, baby, but don't get any ideas,” Mike teased. Nanaba frowned, turned and stuck her tongue out at Mike. “Don't stick it out if you don't want me to grab it.” Nanaba's tongue disappeared back into her mouth. Levi cringed and looked up at Erwin. 

“It was really sweet,” Erwin agreed. Levi rolled his eyes. 

“I'm with Mike on this one,” Levi said. “I bet it's not even that cheap.” 

“Hange has the money to buy it regularly priced,” Erwin said. “But it's not about that. She likes the hunt.” Levi scoffed.

“Baby!” Mike gasped. 

“What?” Nanaba asked, startling because of how loudly Mike had gasped. 

“Ice cream,” Mike breathed. Nanaba laughed. 

“Alright,” she said. Nanaba lifted herself from her knees and started walking out of the room. Levi followed her. 

In the kitchen, the ice cream makers were still quietly whirring. Nanaba approached the counter, and Levi walked up beside her. She stopped one of the machines and lifted the lid at an angle so that Levi couldn't see inside of it. He leaned, trying to look past the lid, and Nanaba closed the lid quickly. When he looked up at her with a frown, she was smiling down at him. 

“Oh, you wanted to see too?” Nanaba asked. 

“I don't remember you being this bratty,” Levi said. Nanaba shrugged with a grin and lifted the lid off of the ice cream maker, all of the way this time. Levi looked down into the cylinder, curiosity spread across his features. It was the vanilla ice cream, and he was absolutely ready to try it. 

“Nanaba,” Levi said. 

“Sir?” she asked, watching the expression on his face. Levi's eyes darted up to her. 

“I'm sorry that you had to help keep Erwin together while I was gone,” Levi said. “You should have never seen your Commander like that, and it's my fault.” Nanaba couldn't stop herself from taking half a step back. The apology was more than overwhelming for her. Levi kept his eyes on hers. Nanaba's chest felt tight when she realized that she was holding her breath. Slowly, Nanaba lowered the lid back down onto the ice cream maker while she exhaled. “It's not necessary to say anything in response.” 

“Are you ever going to leave again?” Nanaba whispered. 

“I don't know,” Levi said. “It's not my nature to try and predict how things will turn out. I can only say I'll do what I can.” 

“That's good enough,” Nanaba muttered with a warm smile. “I forgive you.” 

“Thanks,” Levi said with a grin. Nanaba liked the way his eyes lit up. She had never seen that before. Nanaba turned back to the ice cream and lifted the lid, setting it down on the counter. Levi looked back into the canister. 

“You've never had homemade ice cream before?” Nanaba asked. She opened a drawer and took out a serving spoon. 

“No. My mom didn't cook a lot. Even if she had, I grew up in Michigan and didn't like cold food to much,” Levi said. Nanaba put the spoon into the metal cylinder and stirred the ice cream, checking the consistency. 

“You stayed in Michigan all of your life?” 

“Until I went into the Marine Corps.”

“Did you travel while you were in the Marines though?” 

“Sure,” Levi said. “I was stationed in Twentynine Palms.” 

“California?” Nanaba stopped stirring the ice cream and looked at Levi with wide eyes. Levi only nodded. “I've always wanted to travel west and explore. Do you have any tourist suggestions?” She turned back to the ice cream and began stirring again. 

“California's a big state. And I didn't get out much,” Levi said. 

“But when you did go out, what did you do?” Nanaba asked. Levi took a moment and thought about what he wanted to say. Then, he decided the truth was good enough. 

“I ate their food, drank their liquor, and fucked any local that would talk to me,” Levi deadpanned. Nanaba stopped stirring and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. 

“You went to a completely new place and all you did was eat their food and-”

“Contributed to their economy. Paid their prostitutes and fucked their men,” Levi said. “Actually, I take that back. I saw the visitor's center once, from the outside. Because it was on the way to the bar we were walking to.” Levi's face was flat, and Nanaba's jaw dropped for a moment before she started giggling. Levi grinned up at her. 

“Wait! If you did all of that, then Mike-” 

“Can we eat this yet?” Levi pointed at the ice cream maker. 

“Mike was stationed in Germany,” Nanaba said, insisting on continuing the conversation. She narrowed her eyes. “MIKE!” Levi raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms. He leaned against the counter, wondering what would happen next. After a moment, Mike stepped into the kitchen followed by Erwin. Nanaba turned around to face her husband and put her fists on her hips. 

“Hey, baby,” Mike said, with obvious suspicion. Levi's eyes darted to Erwin, and he smirked. Erwin caught the look and raised his eyebrows before turning his attention back to Mike and Nanaba, curious about what was about to happen.

“Levi was just telling me about his time in the Marines,” Nanaba said. “And I realized that I never asked what you and Erwin did with your free time while you were stationed in Germany.” Mike swallowed and smiled widely at his wife. 

“We toured, of course,” Mike said. “All through Europe.” 

“Through all of Europe?” Nanaba asked, her eyes searching Mike's face. Mike nodded. Erwin suddenly caught on to Nanaba's insinuation. 

“We went to France for a weekend and saw the Eiffel Tower,” Erwin said. “We went to Italy and tried authentic pizza.” Mike nodded enthusiastically. “But we mostly toured Germany. So, no, we didn't go through the entirety of Europe by a long shot.” 

“You're letting the Commander do a lot of the talking for you,” Nanaba commented. Mike shrugged. 

“I don't remember much of our free time, baby, we drank a lot,” Mike said. Erwin shook his head and rolled his eyes. Levi's grin was slowly growing into a smile. 

“I'll cut to the chase,” Nanaba said. “What's the likelihood that you fathered a child while you were in the Army?” 

“What the hell, Nana?! Where the fuck did that come from?” Mike held his palms up, completely confused. 

“Okay,” Levi said. “I've had my fun. Nanaba, I highly doubt that Erwin and Mike fucked their way through Europe.” Erwin started quietly chuckling to himself. 

“Are you in here filling my wife's head with shit?” Mike accused. 

“No,” Levi snapped. “She's just jealous because she knows that you've probably fucked more women then you can remember.” 

“I am not jealous!” Nanaba screamed. Blitz ran into the kitchen and stood in a defensive posture, wondering why everyone was suddenly yelling. 

“I can remember all of them!” Mike yelled. Nanaba reared back and punched Mike in the shoulder. “Ow! Damn it, Nanaba!” Erwin started laughing loudly then and bent over to put his hands on his knees. Blitz barked, attempting to stop the fight. 

“I want names!” Nanaba yelled. “Right now!” 

“I don't know all of their names!” Mike insisted. Nanaba threw another punch, and Mike caught her fist. He pulled Nanaba to him, while she pushed, trying to get away. “Nana! Stop pushing and listen to me!” Mike wrapped his arms around her, and picked her feet up off the floor, holding her tightly to his chest. Nanaba stopped struggling, but she lifted her right foot, poised to kick Mike in the shin if he said one more thing to piss her off. “Okay, okay, look. I have been privileged to make love to a lot of very wonderful women,” Mike said. Levi raised his eyebrows at Mike's sudden smoothness. Erwin recovered enough to stand erect again, and he patted at his hair. Nanaba relaxed a bit, but didn't drop her foot. “But! And this is very important. Are you listening?” 

“Mhmm,” Nanaba grunted, not breaking the intense eye contact. Mike smiled. 

“But _no one_ tastes as good as you, sweet girl,” Mike said with a low, throaty voice. Levi cringed at the heart felt admission. The tension in the room faded as soon as Nanaba broke out in a huge grin. Erwin nodded, approving of Mike's sudden recovery. Levi turned away from the scene and started stirring the vanilla ice cream. 

“I'll make you repeat that later,” Nanaba said, dropping her foot. 

“I will puke in this ice cream,” Levi protested. Erwin laughed, and Levi felt the adoration flare in his chest for that laugh. He was willing to make a joke at anyone's expense for Erwin. 

“I'm going to lick you until you scream,” Mike said, smiling down Nanaba. Levi dropped the spoon on the kitchen counter and held his hands above his head in surrender while he walked through the kitchen. Erwin erupted into harder laughter. 

“Come on, Blitz! You are too pure for this household,” Levi said when he opened the back door. Erwin's laughter filled the kitchen. The dog ran outside, Levi followed, shutting the door behind him. He lit a cigarette and dragged while he watched Blitz run through the back yard. The squirrel from earlier had ventured back into the yard, and Blitz attempted to chase it down, only thwarted by the fence once more. This time, the squirrel stood at the top of the fence and chattered loudly at Blitz. Levi imagined that the squirrel was cursing Blitz for interrupting its work again. 

The door opened and shut, and Levi turned to see who it was. Erwin had two Styrofoam bowls with plastic spoons in either hand. He stepped outside and awkwardly closed the door behind him. 

“You have a way of livening things up,” Erwin said as he approached Levi. “Normally, we would just be playing video games or looking at our cell phones.” He held a bowl of vanilla ice cream out to Levi, and Levi took it with his left hand. 

“It's all a little too much excitement for me,” Levi said, before dragging. There was a nagging feeling of pain spreading through his gums. He hadn't noticed until he had stepped outside. It was too cold to enjoy ice cream, but Levi had been really excited to try it. Levi took his cigarette out of his mouth, and exhaled smoke. He worked up saliva in his mouth to try and clear his palette of smoke before he took a bite. 

Erwin watched Levi take the first bite with a small smile on his face. Levi's eyebrows raised and he worked the ice cream around in his mouth, fully tasting it before he swallowed. He nodded before he took another bite. Erwin began on his own peach ice cream then. Blitz ran through the yard, up to Erwin and sat at his feet, looking up at him with an eager smile. Levi looked down at the dog and back up at Erwin. 

“Good girl,” Erwin said. Blitz wagged her tail harder. Levi watched Erwin take a bite of his ice cream. 

“Is that the peach?” Levi asked. Erwin nodded. He scooped up a spoonful and offered it to Levi. Levi leaned over and took the bite. The peach ice cream had a nice tang to it, but Levi liked the vanilla better. Blitz whined. Levi furrowed his brows down at her before looking up at Erwin. “Do you sneak her food? Is that why she loves you so much?” 

“Shh,” Erwin said. “Mike might hear you.” Levi smirked. 

“You even manipulate dogs?” Levi asked, a laugh in his voice. 

“It's good practice,” Erwin said. Levi focused only on eating his ice cream then, worried that his cigarette might burn down to the filter before he finished. When the bowl was empty, Levi continued to hold it in his hand while he finished what was left of his cigarette. He watched Erwin continue to eat, and Blitz kept her eyes on him the entire time, waiting for her turn. Erwin gave Blitz the last bite, and even held the spoon long enough for her to lick it clean. Once the spoon was clean, she licked her lips. Levi shook his head and took the final drag from his cigarette before tossing the butt into the can. 

“Are they fucking in there yet?” Levi asked, exhaling smoke.

“They were feeding each other ice cream when I came out here,” Erwin said. 

“I need to piss,” Levi said. He took Erwin's empty bowl away from him and stacked it in his own empty bowl. 

“Thank you,” Erwin said. He stepped to the door and opened it. Blitz ran into the house first, Levi followed, and Erwin glanced down to Levi's ass when he walked. Erwin stepped into the house and closed the door behind him. 

Levi threw away the bowls before he walked into the living room. Nanaba was sitting in Mike's lap, watching him eat. Blitz was laying on the couch, anticipating Erwin to return to his seat. Nanaba looked over to Levi. 

“How was it?” Nanaba asked. 

“Good,” Levi said. Erwin walked up next to Levi. 

“That's a pretty big compliment coming from you,” Nanaba said. 

“It was delicious, Nanaba,” Erwin said. 

“You're welcome,” she said with a smile. 

“Do you have any ibruprofen?” Levi asked.

“What's wrong?” Erwin asked. Levi looked up at him. He drew a line across his cheek where the pain was beginning to spread.

“Toothache,” Levi said. 

“From what?” Erwin asked. 

“My sinuses swell when I smoke sometimes,” Levi said. “And some of the roots of my molars press against my sinus cavities.” Erwin nodded, understanding then. 

“We have ibuprofen back in our master bathroom,” Mike said. “Help yourself.” 

“Which room is yours?” Levi asked. 

“On the left, end of the hall,” Mike said before putting another heaping spoonful of ice cream in his mouth. Levi turned and began walking down the hallway. He passed the hall bathroom and Mike's game room. Then, he went through one of the doors on the left, in the back of hallway. 

The room was clean, but untidy. Levi tried not to look around too much while he made his way to the bathroom. He wasn't sure what he would see. 

Levi turned on the light to the small bathroom and closed the door. He relieved his bladder first and washed his hands. Once he dried his hands on the bathroom towel, Levi reached up and opened the medicine cabinet. He saw the big bottle of ibuprofen on one of the little shelves in the cabinet, and he grabbed it, popping it open. Levi swallowed four ibuprofen and capped the bottle.

Levi put the bottle back in its place, and his eyes searched the rest of the cabinet involuntarily. His gaze fell on the only prescription bottle in the cabinet. The prescription was written for Nina Zearfoss. Levi tilted his head, realizing that it was Nanaba's bottle, but then he only saw one word: Ativan. 

_“Fuck,”_ Levi thought. His entire body froze, and he read the name, repeating it in his head. _“Ativan. Ativan. Ativan. Fucking Ativan.”_ Levi's hand reached out to take the bottle, but he jerked it back and stepped back. He put his hands behind his head, wrapping his hands in his hair. He stepped away until his back hit the opposite wall, but his eyes were stuck to the bottle. _“Ativan. Fucking Ativan.”_ Levi's heart began racing at the thought of being able to take one. _“I could have one. They would never know. I could have it.”_ Levi stared at the bottle, his eyes losing focusing from not blinking for so long. _“I can have it. It would be okay to have one. They would never notice it was gone. I could take it on top of my Klonopin tonight.”_ He thought about the high Ativan could give him. It wasn't a very strong benzo, but it was also a muscle relaxant. On top of his Klonopin, it might actually get him a little high. It would only make him feel a little warm. Erwin probably wouldn't even notice. And if he could convince Erwin to fuck him, all of his muscles would be so relaxed. He wouldn't be tense like usual, and he could relax. 

Just the thought of Erwin fucking him while he was high caused Levi to close his eyes and really, strongly consider taking one. First, he would feel it in his brain. He would physically feel the stress melt out of his brain, and then he would feel the tingling and warmth in his arms and hands. Soon enough, the high would hit his ankles, and then he could get fucked. And Erwin would be so glad that he took it. Levi just knew, truly believed, that sex would be mind blowing if he could be high while they fucked. Erwin would love it. It wouldn't be traumatic like his dream; it could only make things easier.

 _“If he knew how good it felt, he wouldn't ever ask me to be clean,”_ Levi thought. _“Erwin wants me to be happy, and I'm happiest when I'm high.”_ Levi opened his eyes and stared at the bottle again. _“He just doesn't know it. He doesn't know he wants this, but he does.”_ Levi stepped forward, pulling his hands out of his hair and grabbed the bottle. He twisted the cap off, realizing that his hands were shaking with anticipation. When he opened the bottle, his heart dropped into his stomach and his eyes widened. There were only three pills left in the bottle. If he took one, Nanaba would notice for sure. She would tell Mike. They would tell Erwin. Erwin wouldn't understand. He would say it was a bad thing. He couldn't understand. 

“Mother fucker,” Levi breathed. He capped the bottle and put it back in the cabinet. Unintentionally, he slammed the medicine cabinet door shut. “Mother fucking bullshit.” Levi opened the bathroom door and made his way quickly out of the bedroom. He tried to calm down, but he couldn't. He had been so hyper to finally get his hands on something a little extra, and then it was taken away from him so abruptly. _“Fucking addict brain. One second we're fine, and the next we're going to lose our shit over some bullshit Ativan. Idiot. But it could have been good. It could have been so good.”_ Levi's mind raced. He couldn't focus. Everything was entirely too loud. 

When he walked into the living room, Erwin was still standing. Erwin turned to look at Levi with a gentle smile. His expression fell when he saw Levi's face. Panic rushed up Levi's spine. He didn't realize how shitty his face looked until he saw Erwin's reaction to it. 

“If you're hurting so much, let's get you home,” Erwin said. He walked over to Nanaba and Mike, still curled up together in the chair. Erwin shook Mike's hand. “See you later.” 

“Come over again tomorrow if you're up for it,” Mike said. Erwin leaned over and kissed Nanaba on the top of the head. She didn't look away from Levi, concern riddling her features. 

“I hope your toothache gets better,” Nanaba said. Levi dropped his gaze, turned, and walked towards the front door. 

“Thank you for everything,” Erwin said. “Enjoy your day.” Erwin quickly followed after Levi who was already out the front door and walking to the SUV. Erwin unlocked the vehicle, and Levi climbed into the passenger seat. 

Erwin opened the driver's side and started the engine. He backed out of Mike and Nanaba's driveway and turned towards home. The drive was silent, but Erwin would steal glances in Levi's direction. Levi had his elbow propped up against the door, holding his forehead in his hand. He looked enervated, but in his eyes, Erwin recognized Levi's look of pure irritation. Erwin decided it was best that they didn't speak until Levi was ready. 

When Erwin parked in the garage, Levi didn't even wait for Erwin to turn off the car before he opened the door. Levi stepped out of the vehicle, made an attempt to close the door softly, knowing that Erwin hated slammed doors. He walked around the vehicle and into the house. Levi kicked his shoes off in the mudroom and walked through the kitchen over to the living room. He unzipped his jacket and pulled it off, dropping it on the living room floor, and pulled out his phone and cigarettes, tossing them into the recliner. He jerked his shirt up over his head and dropping it to the floor, started pulling at his pants, and in a few seconds, Levi was stripped down to his underwear, even shedding his socks, clothes piled up aimlessly on the floor. 

Erwin stepped out of the mudroom in time to see Levi walking out of the back door in his underwear. He furrowed his brows and followed, glancing with worry down at the pile of clothes. 

When Erwin looked out of the open door, he saw that Levi was doing push ups in the back yard, dropping to the frozen ground and lifting himself back up again, in a frenzy. Erwin tilted his head, trying to piece together the puzzle. But he couldn't think of why Levi would be so upset. Obviously, the toothache had either been a cover, or Levi was so disturbed by something else that it didn't matter to him anymore. Erwin looked to the recliner and saw Levi's phone and pack of cigarettes. He picked up the cigarette pack and phone. 

Erwin turned on Levi's phone screen and saw it was password protected with a number combination. Tentatively, Erwin tried a few number combinations before the phone locked him out. It would unlock in five minutes, and Erwin didn't want to cause it to increase the time limit. He turned off the phone screen and put it back in the chair. He turned, cigarettes in hand and walked out of the back door of the house, closing it behind him. Levi was still pushing, trying to work out whatever agitation he had gained. Erwin sat on the end of one of the lounges, and watched. It was cold out, and he didn't understand why Levi had stripped down. 

_“He doesn't want to get his clothes sweaty?”_ Erwin wondered. He began counting Levi's repetitions while he thought about it. _“The cold distracts him,”_ Erwin realized. _“What happened?”_ Counting Levi's repetitions helped Erwin to calm down. It made him uncomfortable to see Levi so upset and not know the reason. When Erwin counted to one hundred and eight, he saw that Levi was close to reaching muscle failure. His arms were trembling. He was slowing down, but he showed no sign of truly wanting to stop. 

Levi liked the burning feeling in his arms. It helped him think of something else besides getting high. He resented Nanaba for not having enough Ativan to justify him taking one. If she had only had ten, Levi could've taken one. She could've told herself that she miscounted. But no one could miscount three. When he realized that his arms were going to start refusing to lift him off the ground, Levi did one more repetition before he dropped to the ground. He took five seconds to catch his breath before he rolled over onto his back and began doing bicycles. 

Erwin raised his eyebrows when he saw that Levi continued pushing himself even after his arms had been exhausted. But the exercise that Levi chose didn't require very much support from his arms. It focused mostly on his core, back, and legs. Erwin opened the pack of cigarettes and took one out. He lit it and dragged while he watched Levi work. It didn't taste like he remembered. Erwin looked at the package and remembered that Levi smoked the kind of cigarette with a menthol capsule. He popped the capsule and dragged again. That was better. Erwin smoked while he watched Levi attempt to exhaust his legs. He finished the entire cigarette, and Levi was still moving. 

Levi counted his repetitions and realized that counting was soothing his anxiety a bit. He liked the feeling of his knees touching his opposite elbows. It was difficult to get a full breath, but he didn't want to stop. He didn't want to stop until he couldn't move. If he stopped before he reached muscle failure, he might very well walk back over to Mike and Nanaba's and steal her entire bottle of Ativan. 

_“I could've taken all three,”_ Levi thought. _“I could've taken all three of them and get a little high. I'd get the rush. I'd feel stupid, and then I would only be tired. It wouldn't matter. Nothing would matter. If they knew how good it felt, they wouldn't ask me to stop. They don't know.”_ Levi's breaths were faster, and he knew that he was pushing too hard. If he continued to do the same exercise, he could hurt himself, and he didn't want to do that. He needed to be able to go to work. The frenzy was beginning to ease, and he slowed down while he thought of the next exercise he wanted to do. He decided that squat thrusts should be next. His arms had recovered enough they could probably handle squat thrusts. Levi finished his repetition and stood up with some difficulty. With his back to Erwin, Levi dropped to the ground in the planking position, dipped his hips, and returned to the squatting position before he stood up again. His hands and feet ached from being too cold, but he didn't mind. The pain only helped to distract him. He only needed to do a few more. 

When Erwin realized that Levi was moving much slower than he had when he initially began, he stood from the chair and went back into the house, leaving the door open. Erwin walked through the living room and down the hallway. He turned into his bedroom and went to the bathroom. Erwin started the shower and turned it on a lukewarm setting. He knew that Levi would be cold enough that he ached. Erwin stared at the stream of water for a while before he turned away from it. 

He walked back through the house and went to the guest bedroom with the blue bedspread. Erwin took the thick, blue comforter off of the bed and folded it up. He carried it to the living room and dropped it on the sectional. 

When Erwin looked out of the back door, he saw that Levi had finally collapsed on the ground, his back rising and falling heavily while he caught his breath. Erwin stepped out of the back door and calmly walked over to Levi. He inspected the dead grass mindlessly while he walked. 

Levi heard Erwin approaching him from behind, but he was too exhausted to care. That was exactly how he wanted to feel. His body was protesting against the cold ground louder than his brain could demand getting high. Erwin's footsteps stopped when they were close. 

“Get up,” Erwin said. Levi closed his tired eyes and rested them a moment. He opened them again and found the determination to push himself off the ground. His arms and legs ached with the movement, but he needed to do it. He needed to walk on his own feet. Eventually, Levi stood enough that he was able to walk. His steps were slow, but he forced himself to move back towards the house. Erwin walked past him, and Levi watched Erwin's back while he walked. He didn't like the feeling of Erwin passing him by, but he understood it. And he appreciated seeing Erwin's determined walk again. 

Erwin waited for Levi at the back door. He wanted to make sure that Levi's legs wouldn't give out on the concrete. It seemed like Levi had stressed his body out, but his mind seemed to be calmer. There wasn't a wild look in his eye anymore. 

“The shower is already running,” Erwin said. He stepped into the house and kept his eyes on Levi's bare, scarred feet while he stepped up into the house, onto the hardwood floor. Erwin stepped to the side and watched Levi pass. 

“Thanks,” Levi breathed. He was still catching his breath, and he was moving slowly. Erwin watched Levi until he turned the corner for the hallway. Then, Erwin stepped back out onto the porch and picked up Levi's pack of cigarettes. He brought them back inside and closed the back door before he locked it. 

Erwin put Levi's cigarettes on the black coffee table, and then slid the table away from the center of the room. He moved the recliner next, centering it in front of the television. Then, he pushed the coffee table up next to the recliner and put Levi's cigarettes down. He took Levi's phone out of the seat of the recliner and set it on top of the pack. 

Erwin picked up Levi's clothes on his way out of the living room. He tossed them into the mudroom on top of the washer to be washed later. 

Erwin boiled water in the tea kettle until the kettle whistled at him. He hadn't been paying very close attention. Instead, he had been leaning against the kitchen counter, thinking about what happened, still trying to piece together the mysterious puzzle. When the kettle whistled, Erwin leaned away from the counter and pulled it from the hot eye. He poured hot water into two mugs, and then he took out a small bowl and poured some of the leftover hot water into it. He put the two mugs and bowl on a tray. Erwin frowned, realizing that he had lost track of what he was doing. He put a tea bag into one of the mugs and waited for it to steep. 

Erwin timed the tea down to the minute that he knew Levi preferred and took the tea bag out before he added a bit of sugar and splash of milk. That's when he realized that Levi was taking too long to shower. Erwin picked up the tray and took it into the living room. He set the tray on the coffee table, and stood up to go down the hallway. 

Levi shuffled out of the hallway then, dressed only his sweatpants. His hair was still damp from the shower. Erwin's eyes scanned Levi's body language from head to toe. He seemed defensive, but Erwin didn't understand why. Levi furrowed his brows in confusion at the set up of the living room. Erwin didn't say anything; he just picked up the TV remote and turned on the television. It was still on the same channel from the night before, playing another type of reality show. Two of the characters were fighting. Erwin set the TV remote on the arm of the chair and looked back to Levi, who was walking over to the recliner. 

When Levi was next to Erwin he looked up, searching Erwin's blue eyes for something. Erwin's face was emotionless. He was capable of completely controlling his facial features. It was almost impossible to tell what Erwin was feeling unless he wanted to share it. Levi looked away and moved to sit in the recliner. He pulled the lever on the side of the chair and extended his legs. Then, he pushed against the back of the chair and reclined. 

Erwin walked over to the sectional and picked up the heavy comforter. He took it over to Levi and spread it out, covering Levi up with it. Levi pushed his arms out from under the blanket and rested them on top of it. He was still looking to Erwin's face for a sign. 

“Drink the water first,” Erwin instructed before he turned and walked away. Levi looked to his right and saw a mug of hot water, tea that was diluted with milk and probably some sugar, and his pack of cigarettes with a bowel to ash into. He also noticed his cell phone, but it wasn't lighting up with a notification. Levi picked up the mug and tested the water. It was still a bit too hot for him. But after a few more minutes it was cool enough to drink. Levi finished it quickly so he could drink he tea while it was still warm. 

Levi let the TV show numb his brain while he drank his tea. After a few sips, he picked up his cigarette pack and opened it. He lit the cigarette and glanced over at Erwin in the kitchen. There wasn't any protest, and Levi had intuitively known that Erwin had made the bowl of water for an ashtray. Levi popped the menthol capsule in his cigarette and dragged. 

It was difficult to focus on the show anymore. He was weighing things out in his mind. Levi really liked all of the attention and affection that Erwin was showing with his actions. But Levi was also still considering what it would be like to have taken the Ativan. Maybe everyone could have forgiven him for one fuck up. Levi dragged on his cigarette again before ashing into the bowl of water. 

_“You're a Captain,”_ Levi told himself. _“They still see you that way, and you can't fuck that up for them.”_ Levi mused further on that idea. His brows knitted together, and he looked over at Erwin, who was cooking something. Levi ashed into the bowl while he stared at Erwin's back, his broad shoulders. _“You're still a Commander, Erwin. And you deserve better than this.”_ Levi dragged on his cigarette again and thought about what had happened. Finally, Levi remembered to finish his tea, and he finished his cigarette quickly after that. He dropped the butt in the bowl of water and propped his elbow on the arm of the chair, resting his head in his hand while he pretended to watch TV. Levi tried to think of a way to explain to Erwin what happened. Erwin may never actually ask, but Levi knew how much he wanted to know. Erwin couldn't stand an unsolved puzzle. Every piece had to be in place for him to feel safe. Levi didn't notice when the show ended and another began. He didn't notice when that show ended and another began. Time melted together. His eyes were glued to the television, but he wasn't receiving any of the information. 

“Levi.” Levi looked up, realizing that Erwin was standing next to him. Erwin gave a soft smile. “Are you hungry?” Levi blinked up at Erwin. He didn't feel hungry. 

“Is it plated?” Levi asked. Erwin nodded. 

“You don't have to get up. I'll bring it over to you,” Erwin offered. Levi turned off the television, and he began pulling the comforter off of him. Erwin helped, and tossed the comforter over onto the sectional. Levi kicked the foot of the recliner down until it popped back into place and stood. 

Levi stood and fully faced Erwin, looking up at him with dull gray eyes. Erwin smiled softly and waited. When Levi opened his mouth to say the words, his throat felt tight. He closed his mouth again. 

“Write a report for me,” Erwin suggested. Levi's brows knitted together. “My office is at the end of the hallway. There are pens and paper in the top right drawer. I'll read it while we eat.” Levi swallowed heavily and didn't break eye contact. He searched Erwin's face for mockery, and, of course, found none. “If you're out of practice, you could write a letter to me instead.” Erwin said. Levi scoffed.

“Out of practice. Get out of here with your bullshit,” he grumbled as he walked past Erwin. Erwin shook his head. He turned and watched Levi walk down the hallway, and began putting the living room furniture back in its proper place. 

While Levi walked down the hallway, he tried to imagine that he was walking into Erwin's office in the Survey Corps Headquarters. But he couldn't. The dim hallway was too cozy. He wasn't in uniform. The hardwood floors were too warm and comfortable, nothing like the cold floors they had then. 

At the end of the hallway, Levi paused in front of the closed door. Erwin's office always felt more sacred than any other room, including his bedroom. That's why Levi hadn't been able to bring himself to invade it, even when cleaning. The room still had an energy of authority to him even if it was only a small home office. Because it was Erwin's. With a deep breath, Levi put his hand on the door knob and turned it. He pressed the door open and turned on the lights. 

Rather than illuminating an overhead light, the light switch was attached to an outlet than turned on a bright floor lamp. Levi paused and looked around the office. He expected it to look so much more like their first life, but it didn't. The walls were lined with tall, dark bookcases that were stuffed to the brim with books of all shapes and sizes, but they weren't similar to the bookcases that Levi remembered. Erwin's desk, in the center of the room was large and made of dark wood, but there was a computer monitor on top of it. It was also tidy, not scattered with papers and folders, the way he had imagined. There was only one small window. Levi felt a little disappointed while he looked at the room. Part of him really wanted it to be a replica. He shook his head and stepped inside, closing the door behind him. 

Walking around the back of the desk, he inspected the wood. It was a better quality and stained with a warmer color, but it wasn't quite what he had imagined. Rather than looking like a military issue desk for a Commander, it looked like an executive's desk. The chair behind the desk was familiar, and looked the way he imagined it would, with a tall back and dark leather. He pulled the chair back and sat down. Levi rolled the chair closer to the desk, and liked that feeling. The chair was his favorite part of the room. Unfortunately, behind the desk, Levi could also see all of Erwin's modern computer equipment and his printer, which broke the small illusion.

Levi opened the desk drawer on the right and found a neat stack of loose leaf notebook paper and a pile of pens. He pulled a sheet of paper and a pen from the drawer and sat them on the desktop. While he closed the drawer, Levi looked at the blank sheet of paper. It didn't look like a piece of paper that could handle a legitimate report. For a while, Levi stared at the paper, considering that he should write a letter instead. When his eyes began to lose focus from staring so long, Levi blinked and picked up the pen. He clicked the pen a few times, enjoying the noise and popping sensation. He realized that he wouldn't be able to write a letter. It needed to be a report. So, he would have to create a report template.

Instinctively, Levi opened the middle drawer on the left and found Erwin's other office supplies. He pulled a ruler out of the drawer and set it on the desk, closing the drawer. Then, Levi found printer paper in the bottom right drawer of the desk. He pulled out a single sheet and laid it on top of the notebook paper before he closed the drawer. 

Using the lines of the notebook paper and the ruler to help him trace, Levi recreated the format of their military report papers. When he was finished drawing lines and boxes, naming the blanks, he felt more like he had a standard issue report template in front of him. Levi set the ruler aside and pulled the notebook paper from under the printer paper. Then, he began writing his report. 

 

 

Surname: Ackerman 

First Name: Levi 

Date: 28 / 11/ 2014

Branch: Survey Corps 

Rank: Captain

Supervising Officer: 13th Commander of the Survey Corps, Erwin Smith

Subordinates: Not applicable

Squad: Not applicable 

Orders: Stay clean. 

Mission: Visit with Mike and Nanaba. Keep shit together. 

Soldier's Brief: Visited with Mike and Nanaba. Lunch. Reviewed footage of Squad Leader Hange Zoe, accompanied by assitant Moblit Berner. Assembled useful intel for future fuckery. Implanted inadvertent marital discourse. Situation reached resolution without interference. Visit to the shitter for a piss break and anti-inflammatory pain relief. Discovered medication type Ativan. Additional intel demanded on-scene battle adjustments. Determined Ativan to be reaquisitioned for immediate and/ or future use. Internal struggle ensued. Could not acquire without detection. Maintained initial orders. Returned home.

 

Soldier's Signature: ______________________________________ 

Date: ____________

 

Supervising Officer's Comments: _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Supervising Officer's Signature: __________________________________ 

Date: ___________

 

Levi read the brief again while he nervously clicked the pen in his hand. His eyes ran over the report, trying to imagine what Erwin would think while he read it. The short, detached sentences made the entire scenario seem less important, and Levi appreciated that. There wasn't any emotion in the report; it wasn't necessary. He signed his name on the report and dated it. Clicking the pen, Levi nodded, prepared for Erwin's judgment. 

Levi pushed back in the chair and stood from the desk with his report and pen in hand. He walked around the desk and to the door. Tapping the light off on his way out, Levi shut the door behind him. He closed his eyes and imagined closing the door to Erwin's real office. 

When Levi opened his eyes, he let go of the doorknob and walked down the hallway. He passed the kitchen and went into the dining room. Erwin was sitting at the dining table, eating while reading on his phone, and there was a bowl and a glass of ice water for Levi in his usual place at the table. 

Levi approached the table and pulled his chair out to sit down. Once he was settled in the chair, he set the report and pen on the dining table. 

“Sign this,” Levi said. Levi looked at the bowl then. It was full of homemade chicken noodle soup. He picked up his spoon and stirred the warm soup a few times before he dared to lift some up to his mouth. It was a perfect temperature, and it tasted good. He hadn't realized that he was hungry until he swallowed. 

Erwin finished the Reddit post that he was a reading before he turned his phone off and set it on the table. He took a bite of soup before he reached over to the report. While Erwin hadn't expected Levi to create a report sheet, it was a nice surprise. The familiarity of the scenario was comforting, and Erwin read the report without any emotion, just as he had planned. In their first life, there had been times that reports had threatened to bring tears to his eyes. Some of the soldiers simply couldn't keep their emotions out of their briefs of missions, and he never asked them to try. The information was the important part. And, truthfully, he would occasionally take a very uplifting or devastating report to Mitras to read to benefactors so they would be inspired to provide funds. However, after a long day of reading horrible things, sometimes Erwin would pick out Levi's reports from the stack. They were always factual, lacking of emotion and easy to read. Reading Levi's reports could give him time to rest his heart before he had to read and approve all of the other reports stacked on his desk at any given time. And the report that he held in his hand at that moment did not disappoint. It was as detached as he expected. 

When Erwin finished reading the report, he laid the paper down on the table and picked up the pen. He clicked it and wrote out his comments. Then, he signed his name and dated it. Erwin clicked the pen again to retract the ink cylinder and laid the pen next to the report. They continued their meal in silence. 

Levi refused to look at the report while he ate, and Erwin had gone back to reading on his phone. The soup was tasty enough to distract him. But when his bowl was empty, he still found that he wasn't ready to read Erwin's response. Instead of picking up the report, Levi drank his water, leaned over the table, avoiding looking at the report. Erwin turned off the screen of his phone and set it down. He focused on finishing his soup. 

Eventually, there wasn't anymore water in the glass. Levi set his glass down heavily and picked up the report. He read Erwin's comments. 

_Mission successful, orders maintained. On-scene battle adjustments not authorized. Revise report._

Levi gritted his teeth and darted his eyes over to Erwin. Erwin met his gaze.

“What the hell do you mean revise report?” Levi asked. 

“You went to all of that trouble to draw up a report template and couldn't even maintain professional vocabulary?” Erwin asked with a chuckle in his voice. Levi frowned and looked back at his report. He scanned it, pretending to not understand what Erwin was talking about. 

“So, you're saying that I shouldn't call a home bathroom a shitter,” Levi said, looking back up at Erwin with mischief in his eyes. Erwin smiled. 

“And the fourth sentence was a little bit superfluous,” Erwin added. Levi looked back at the report and read the fourth sentence. 

“No, it's not,” Levi argued. “You just want me to take out 'fuckery'.” Levi glared at Erwin. 

“If this report was official, I would have to insist,” Erwin said. “However, you're missing the point, Levi. Read my comments again.” Levi lowered his eyelids with irritation before he turned back to the report and read Erwin's comments once more. 

_Mission successful, orders maintained. On-scene battle adjustments not authorized. Revise report._

Erwin watched Levi's eyes follow the words and stop when they reached the end. 

“You should consider this as a battle won, not a failure,” Erwin said. Levi put the report down and sat back in his chair. He crossed his arms over his chest. 

“If you knew my thought process at the time, then you wouldn't be so sure,” Levi said. Erwin pushed his empty soup bowl away and leaned over the table. He laced his fingers together and made direct eye contact. Levi's eyes dropped to the table. 

“I'd like to hear your reasoning,” Erwin said. Levi tightened his arms around himself, and his eyes darted to the report. 

“I was trying to convince myself that you would want it,” Levi admitted. “You want me to feel good. You want me to relax.” Levi raised his eyes and met Erwin's blue gaze. “I knew I would be calmer. All of the inhibitions that I normally have are gone. I'd be a better fuck. Being high makes me better in every way.” Erwin narrowed his eyes slightly, interpreting Levi's micro-expressions while he said each word. 

“That's not exactly how I remember you when you're high,” Erwin said. Levi's interest was piqued, and he tried to hide it. But he raised an eyebrow at the words before he could catch himself. “I can elaborate if you like.” Levi stared into Erwin's hot blue eyes, and waited. But Erwin didn't continue. So, Levi nodded, bracing himself for what Erwin might say. “When you're high, you aren't relaxed. You're limp. You don't have any energy. You can't hold a conversation, which is something I'm almost always craving from you. You're only calm because you're constantly nodding off, and when you wake up you're only more agitated. There's no way that you're a better fuck when you're high. I like the challenges your body presents, Levi. I always have.” Levi broke eye contact and looked down at the table. There was some heat in the back of his neck, threatening to flood his cheeks. “And your pupils wouldn't dilate.” One side of Levi's lips pulled back in a grimace. Erwin caught the look of contempt. “I don't want to fuck you when you're high.” A sliver of anger raced up Levi's spine.

“Two years ago, I would've never guessed you didn't want me,” Levi snapped. He raised his eyes to glare at Erwin. 

“You misheard me,” Erwin muttered. “I said I didn't want to fuck you. I still wanted you. I still do.” 

“And I stand by what I've said,” Levi said. “I couldn't tell that you didn't want to fuck me!” Erwin abruptly stood from his chair and pushed it back with his foot. But Levi was quick, and he stood up so fast that his chair fell backwards and crashed against the floor. His empty bowl turned over on its side. Erwin grabbed Levi's forearm. Levi wrenched his arm out of Erwin's grasp and backed away a few steps, rejection and embarrassment swimming so fast and hot in his chest that pure fury flooded his mind.

“What was it that broke your wings, Levi?” Erwin asked. 

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Levi snapped. Erwin reached out and wrapped his hand tightly around one of Levi's arms again, but Levi gave him a good push in the chest. Erwin wavered, letting go of Levi's arm, and stumbled back. He balanced himself again and leaned towards Levi aggressively. 

“Did you feel that?” Erwin asked. “How easy it was to tear away from me?” Levi balled up his fists. “Two years ago, I chased you down and pinned you to a wall with barely any effort, Levi. Even though, I'm sure you thought you were running at full speed, I was only jogging. When you realized you were cornered, you didn't even attempt to fight me anymore. You gave up!” Erwin stepped forward, and Levi held his ground, considering what it would really be like to finally hit Erwin in the jaw. Erwin stopped moving when he was only an inch away from Levi. “And all I could think of was the fight that you gave me in the Underground when I found you the first time.” Levi swallowed heavily and lowered his eyes.

“Shut up,” Levi growled. 

“You were wild and strong,” Erwin whispered. “You moved in your gear like it was built into your body. You could've killed me easily that day. I wasn't even sure that capturing Isabel and Farlan would stop you. I wasn't prepared. The rumors didn't do you justice. But I cannot tell you how exciting it was, in every way, to see you move through the air like you were born for it.” Erwin smiled when he saw Levi's facial expression soften. Finally, something he was saying was getting through to him. “Your wings weren't tied to your gear, Levi, they're tied to your spirit. And I can see them again now.” 

Levi felt all of the rage and rejection being leeched out of his body by Erwin's words. He wanted to be angry. More than anything, he wanted to lash out at Erwin for even saying Isabel and Farlan's names. He still missed them. He wanted to see them again, and wondered if they had been given a second chance too. Deep in his heart, he made a wish that they had been given another life. Even if he never saw them again, he wanted to believe that they had been allowed to live again, somewhere better. His fists relaxed, fingers extending, and he fought the urge to reach out and touch Erwin. 

“What was it that broke your wings, Levi?” Erwin repeated. “Was it me? Was it you?” Levi recognized the words. Except this time they were standing in a disarranged dining room instead of a bloody field of body parts, talking instead of screaming at each other. His gray eyes fell from Erwin's gaze and dropped down to the floor, shame flooding him. 

“It was me,” Levi muttered. 

“It was heroin,” Erwin insisted. 

“I put the needle in my arm,” Levi whispered. 

“If you'll remember, humans initiated the Titan War,” Erwin said. “I know for a fact, that the first time you put a needle in your arm, you didn't believe you would become an addict. In the same way that humanity didn't initiate the Titan War believing that it would kill us all.” Levi didn't seem to be affected. “Look at me,” Erwin said. Levi's eyes slowly raised back up to Erwin's burning blue gaze. Erwin stepped closer to Levi and reached to his arms. Gently, he took each of Levi's arm in his hand and brushed against the thick scars in the crooks of Levi's arms with his thumbs. “Addiction is your Titan now. These scars are the same. They mark every time you've cheated death. I'm proud of you, Levi.” Levi pulled his arms away from Erwin's hands and broke eye contact again. Instead of backing off, Erwin stepped forward and put one hand against Levi's face. He directed Levi to look up at him again. At first, he couldn't read Levi's expression, but then he saw the distinct dilation of Levi's pupils. Words obviously were not going to convince Levi. But Erwin knew the language that Levi understood best. 

Erwin leaned down and pressed his forehead to Levi's. He closed his eyes and trailed his hand from Levi's face down his neck. Then, he lifted his other hand and rested it on Levi's hip, pressing his thumb into the bone there. He remembered seeing Levi for the first time in this life, seeing that same hip bone exposed to him and the physical response that he had without a conscious reason. Erwin felt Levi's slender fingers wander up his chest, and they came to rest over the tattoo of his bolo tie. Levi's other hand covered Erwin's hand on his neck. 

Without another word, Erwin tilted his head and found Levi's lips with his own. He added pressure to the back of Levi's neck pulling him closer, pushing harder against Levi's lips. When he felt Levi's tongue swipe across his bottom lip, Erwin opened his mouth and their tongues clashed, sliding against each other. He heard Levi gasp, and in response, Erwin pulled on Levi's hip, trying to press their bodies together as tightly as he could while they were still standing. Erwin pressed his thumb into Levi's hip so hard he felt his knuckle strain. He felt Levi's hand slide up his chest and wrap around the back of his neck. Erwin gasped for air between kisses, feeling light headed from the sudden change between them. 

Levi broke the kiss and pulled back. He opened his eyes halfway and looked up at Erwin. Erwin's blond eyelashes fluttered when he opened his eyes. After a shuddering breath, Levi tried to think of something to say. He wanted something specific, but he couldn't find the words for it. Before he had time to think any longer, Erwin leaned down and wrapped his arms around Levi's waist, pulling him up. Levi reached up, lifting himself, wrapping his arms around Erwin's shoulders and didn't protest to being held off the ground. He wrapped his legs around Erwin's hips, and Levi dipped his head to kiss Erwin again.

Grasping Levi tightly in his arms, Erwin stepped forward. With the first step, Levi broke the kiss. He titled his head and pressed his mouth against Erwin's throat, opening his mouth against the skin to leave bruising kisses. Erwin raised one of his hands and wrapped it in Levi's dark hair, holding him close, while he walked out of the dining room, down the hallway, to their bedroom. 

When they reached the dark room, Erwin walked confidently through it. He reached the bed, and leaned down. Levi understood the direction and slowly released Erwin to drop down onto the bed. He stood between Levi's spread legs while he leaned over and turned on his lamp on the nightstand. Light flooded the room, and they both squinted against it while their eyes adjusted. Immediately, Levi reached up and began pulling at Erwin's shirt. Erwin reached under the hem of his long sleeved cotton shirt and pulled it over his head. He tossed it in the hamper before he began pulled at the buckle of his belt. Once it was released, he unbuttoned, unzipped his pants and pulled them down, taking his underwear with them. He stepped out of them, kicked them to the side and made quick work of pulling off his socks. 

Levi watched Erwin expose himself. There wasn't any rush to his actions, but he wasn't necessarily taking his time. He was a bit disappointed to see that Erwin was barely aroused, considering that his own cock was half hard and already aching for attention. When Erwin dropped down to his knees, Levi raised his eyebrows. Erwin pulled at the hem of Levi's sweatpants. Levi lifted his hips and let Erwin pull his pants down. He settled back down on the bed and slid forward, closer to the edge of the mattress. Once Levi's pants were tossed aside, Erwin looked up at him Levi leaned down and pressed his lips to Erwin's. He put his hand behind Erwin's neck when he opened his mouth. But Erwin didn't allow the kiss to last long before he pulled away. Levi opened his eyes in time to watch Erwin's head drop, and he felt Erwin's tongue glide up his cock. 

The little moan fell from Levi's mouth was so fast that it surprised him. But he didn't have time to feel embarrassed about it before he felt Erwin's mouth around the head of his cock. Levi's eyes spread wide before his eyelids fell closed again. Automatically, his hand wrapped in Erwin's blond hair and rested it there. Levi's jaw went slack, and his mouth gaped while he savored the feeling of Erwin's mouth. 

“Erwin,” he breathed. His blunt fingernails scratched at Erwin's scalp gently while he felt Erwin take all of him. The smooth feeling of the back of Erwin's throat made his mouth water. He had to close his mouth and swallow before he drooled. When he exhaled, it came out as a desperate gasp. 

Erwin closed his eyes and focused on the feeling of Levi's cock in his mouth. He liked dragging his tongue against Levi's frenulum when he would raise his head. Every little breath, every gentle noise that raised from Levi's throat gave Erwin a fluttering feeling in his chest. He slid down Levi's length again and swallowed when Levi's head was nestled in the back of his throat. In response, Levi's nails dug into Erwin's scalp. He swallowed again and felt Levi tense under him. When he raised his head again, Erwin released Levi's cock with a wet pop. He licked his lips and looked up at Levi. Levi's face was already flushed. He was gasping for air, and he could only open his eyes halfway. Levi closed his mouth to swallow, and Erwin leaned up, capturing Levi's mouth with his own again. He kissed him slowly, taking his time exploring the taste of Levi's mouth with the taste of Levi's cock still lingering. 

Levi was the one to break the kiss that time. He leaned back and opened his heavy lidded eyes to look at Erwin. Involuntarily, Levi raised one hand and traced his thumb over Erwin's face. When Erwin opened his eyes, he scanned Levi's expression and only found a calm look of satisfaction. Levi took a breath as if he was about to say something, but he only closed his mouth again. Erwin pressed his lips to Levi's and began raising from his knees, pushing Levi back across the bed. They moved together until they were both in the center of the bed, and Erwin settled between Levi's legs, lowering himself until he was resting on his elbows. Erwin dipped his hips and pressed his cock against Levi's. He broke the kiss with a gasp. With his eyes still closed, Erwin pressed his forehead to Levi's and began moving his hips, simply grinding his cock against any part of Levi's body. Levi raised his hips from the bed, imitating the motion. Erwin tilted his head and put his mouth against the crook of Levi's neck and shoulder. He opened his mouth and sucked on the skin, grazing it with his teeth. In response, Levi's hips raised from the bed with a quick thrust, his cock gliding against Erwin's hip. 

Erwin took his mouth from Levi's skin and leaned in close to Levi's ear. 

“Levi.” 

“Erwin,” he whimpered. 

“I want to be inside of you,” Erwin murmured. After Levi swallowed hard, he gasped for air. He was still raising up from the bed, seeking any stimulation he could have. 

“Yeah,” Levi breathed. Erwin lifted his head from Levi's ear and kissed him again, tenderly. When Erwin broke the kiss, he raised up on his knees. He took the time to look at Levi sprawled out on the bed in front of him. Levi's face, neck and chest were red. He was even trembling already. 

Erwin leaned over and pulled the covers down on the bed, far enough that they would be easy for Levi to crawl under. With some obvious effort, Levi lifted himself up and crawled up into the bed properly. He pushed the covers farther down and laid on Erwin's side of the bed. Erwin backed off the mattress and put his feet on the floor. He opened the drawer to his nightstand and grabbed his bottle of lubricant. After quietly closing the drawer, he turned out of the lamp. Darkness fell over the room. 

Lubricant in hand, Erwin cautiously crawled back into the bed, finding Levi in the darkness. After feeling around a bit, Erwin settled between Levi's legs again, pushing the covers even farther down. He set the bottle of lube down on the bed where he could easily reach it. Lowering himself again, Erwin found Levi's mouth in the dark and kissed him. It surprised Erwin that Levi wasn't demanding that they rush. 

_“You needed this,”_ Erwin thought while his mouth moved against Levi's. _“We both needed this.”_ He broke the kiss and found the bottle of lube again. Opening the bottle, Erwin drenched his left hand with the liquid. He closed the bottle and dropped it back to the bed. 

“Wait,” Levi whispered. He reached over and found his own pillow. Lifting his hips, Levi put the pillow under his lower back and laid down on it. “Alright.” Erwin leaned down and kissed Levi again, his hand instinctively moving to where it needed to be. When his soaked middle finger brushed against Levi's opening, Levi gasped. Erwin felt Levi's right leg wrap around him. After a gentle press, Erwin felt his slick finger slide into Levi's hole. At first, he felt Levi tense under him, but the tension eased when Levi sighed. 

“That's it, darling,” Erwin breathed. Erwin startled a bit when he felt Levi's hand wrap around his cock. He hadn't expected it. Levi's hand faltered when he felt Erwin jump, but once Erwin didn't protest, his wrapped his hand tightly around Erwin's cock. His fist slid up and down the entire length, admiring the feeling of it. Erwin was so surprised by the action he forgot to move his finger. Remembering what he was supposed to be doing, with some exploration, Erwin found Levi's prostate. He curled the pad of his finger against it, and smiled in the dark when he heard Levi groan. The hand around his cock tightened, and it distracted him from maintaining a rhythm. 

“More,” Levi muttered to Erwin. Erwin slid his finger out until only the tip was left. Before he could add a second finger, Levi swirled his thumb around the tip of his head, spreading the generous amount of precome that had pooled there. Erwin's jaw dropped, and he heard himself release a fast moan. “I love it when you do that,” Levi whispered with a gruff voice. “I love hearing you.” Erwin opened his eyes in the dark and looked in direction where he guessed Levi's eyes were. He thought he could feel Levi's eyes on him. Quickly, Erwin pressed his index finger close to his middle finger and plunged them into Levi. 

Levi's back arched from the bed and his hand tightened around Erwin's cock. When Erwin began curling his fingers, Levi shut his eyes tightly and groaned without reservation. His free hand raised from the bed and found Erwin's shoulder. He dug his short fingernails into Erwin's skin while he trembled. Erwin's fingers were practically vibrating inside of him. 

“Erwin!” Levi was panting faster, the tight heat in his stomach was growing. He closed his mouth just long enough to swallow to try and wet his dry mouth. That's when Erwin's fingers slowed to a languid pace. It was enough to give Levi time to remember that he was still playing with Erwin's cock. He started moving his hand against Erwin's member again, taking his time, enjoying the feeling of Erwin stiff and throbbing in his hand. Levi dropped his hand from Erwin's shoulder and felt around in the dark on the bed. His hand touched the lube bottle, and he picked it up. 

Taking his hand away from Erwin's cock, Levi poured some of the liquid in his hand. He knew that he spilled some of it, but he didn't care. He closed the cap before returning his wet hand to Erwin's cock. Erwin groaned and thrust into Levi's fist. His fingers stopped moving while he fucked Levi's wet hand. Levi tightened his hand around Erwin and met the pace of Erwin's thrusts. He dropped the lubricant bottle back on the bed. Suddenly, Levi took his hand away from Erwin's cock. He smiled when he heard a soft whine of desperation. 

“One more,” Levi encouraged. Erwin's fingers pulled out, dragging against his prostate along the way, and Levi's back arched from the bed, his body protesting. But Erwin didn't pull all of the way out. His fingertips stopped at the soft spot that stimulated Levi the most and gently massaged. Levi's eyes fluttered before they rolled back in his head. His closed his eyelids and exhaled a moan that was so hard it hurt a little. His head swam so much that he barely noticed the third finger pressing against him. Until he felt the fullness of three of Erwin's fingers, Levi didn't surface from the haze. But when he felt all three fingers moving inside of him, Levi's released a succession of several groans, his hips raising from the bed to meet the fingers moving in and out of his hole. 

Erwin couldn't wait any longer. He pulled his fingers from Levi and leaned up to position the head of his cock at Levi's opening. Without waiting another moment, he pressed into Levi to the hilt. Levi's breath hitched in his chest, and he froze, unable to move from the sudden over stimulation. Erwin almost collapsed on top of Levi. He caught himself in time, but his body had lowered on top of Levi so much that he felt Levi's gasping breath against his chest. Erwin lowered his forehead down to the pillow and released a long, low groan into the fabric. The tight heat wrapped around him was so much. When he felt Levi's gentle fingers touching his ribs, Erwin shuddered on top of him. Erwin didn't move for several moments, but he finally pulled back and pressed into Levi again. The motion felt too good. The buildup had lasted so long; it had been so uncharacteristically slow, and his body wasn't used to so much foreplay. 

To try and last longer, Erwin leaned up from the bed on his knees. He put his hands under Levi's knees and lifted until Levi's ankles were resting against his shoulders. With the new position, Erwin tried pulling out, and it felt different, not so intense. He pulled back farther and pressed into Levi again. Levi shuddered under him and was panting for breath too much to even let a noise escape his throat. Erwin began moving with a slow rhythm, closing his eyes and focusing completely on the sounds of Levi's pleasure. He turned his head and dragged his tongue up Levi's right ankle, to the top of Levi's foot, running his tongue over the thick scars. 

When Levi felt Erwin's tongue against his ankle, he felt his eyes roll back in his head so hard that it hurt. But he felt Erwin's tongue slide over his foot, against his scars next. Normally, he was disgusted by those scars. They were created from some of the most shameful moments of his entire life, but Erwin was worshiping them like they had been earned. That's when Levi understood what Erwin had been trying to say earlier. His scars were important. He had cheated death in this life just as much as he had in their first one. He should have died. But Erwin made him feel glad to be alive. 

Erwin turned his head and gave the left ankle and foot the same treatment. Levi's left foot was even more scarred than the right. Some of the scars were so deep that Erwin's tongue felt different against the scar tissue. Levi's toes curled. He felt so important. In that moment, he could feel Erwin's feelings for him down in his bones. That was exactly what he needed. He needed to be reminded how wonderful it could be to be clean. 

“I love you,” Levi whispered. Erwin's tongue stopped. His hips stopped moving. Levi opened his eyes in the dark. 

Erwin pulled his tongue back into his mouth and gently took Levi's ankles from his shoulders, careful not to spread Levi's legs too far. He lowered Levi's feet back to the mattress and leaned over him. In the dark, Erwin's found Levi's face with his right hand. Levi closed his eyes again, leaning into Erwin's hand. Erwin pressed his lips to Levi's and kissed him deeply. Levi lifted his legs from the bed and wrapped them around Erwin's hips, pressing against them, trying to encourage more movement. Erwin caught the drift and began moving again, not taking his mouth away from Levi's. Suddenly, Erwin's pace quickened and he broke the kiss. 

“I love you, Levi,” Erwin muttered against Levi's mouth, his voice broken by his fast movements and bated breath. “I love you.” 

With the increased pace, Levi felt the orgasm building in his belly. Just as he was about to reach down and touch himself, he felt Erwin reposition himself, leaning on his left elbow while his right hand reached down to Levi's cock. As Erwin wrapped his hand around Levi's cock, Levi felt heat spread through his entire body like wild fire. 

“Ah! Fuck, Erwin!” Levi moaned, suddenly finding a much louder voice. “Just like that.” He reached up in the dark and pulled Erwin down with both hands. He opened his mouth and licked Erwin's lips before Erwin opened his mouth and their teeth clashed with another heavy kiss. Their moans were muffled while their lips and tongues moved against each other. Levi dug his nails into the back of Erwin's neck, refusing to let him move away, needing him as close as possible. The heat and intensity washed over him all at once. Levi broke the kiss but wrapped his arms around Erwin's shoulders, pulling him down farther while the orgasm shot through his entire body. He felt the wet heat spread between their bodies, and Erwin's hand didn't stop moving even after he was spent. 

When Erwin felt Levi softening in his fist, he took his hand away from Levi and put it against the mattress, using the purchase to push into Levi harder and faster. Erwin hid his face in the crook of Levi's neck and fucked him hard, loosing all patience. He gripped the sheets in his fists and felt the heat surge from his hips. Erwin opened his mouth and groaned loudly into Levi's neck when he felt himself spill inside of him. He continued to thrust until his legs and hips were trembling. Erwin lowered himself down to his elbows, his body already begging to relax. He was able to keep himself up off the bed enough to not lay directly on top of Levi. And Levi's arms still had not relaxed around his shoulders. 

They spent so long catching their breath that Erwin went soft while he was still inside of Levi. 

“I have to lay down,” Erwin finally whispered. Levi's arms released him and fell to his sides, hitting the bed. Cautiously, Erwin leaned up and pulled out. He backed away from Levi only a few inches, and felt Levi shifting. Levi lifted his hips, pulled the pillow out from under his back and tossed it back into place. He laid flat on the bed and waited. 

When Erwin felt Levi stop moving, he moved in the bed to lay next to Levi, not bothering to lay high enough in the bed enough to put his head on a pillow. Levi felt Erwin settle down next to him. He moved away from his spot and down to Erwin, burying his face into Erwin's chest. Erwin wrapped his arms around Levi and pulled him close. Levi wrapped his arm around Erwin's waist and pressed his hand into the smooth skin of Erwin's back.

“I love you, Levi,” Erwin whispered. Levi pulled his face back from Erwin's skin so he wouldn't be muffled. 

“I love you, Erwin,” Levi muttered, smiling widely in the dark. He leaned forward and pressed his face into Erwin's chest again, inhaling Erwin's scent. He didn't even mind that they were laying in a filthy, come stained, lube soaked bed. It would be alright. Erwin would make it okay. _“Maybe it's not so bad to be clean.”_ Levi closed his eyes and rested. After only a few minutes, he heard Erwin gently snoring, and he smiled again. _“Old man noises,”_ Levi thought. The rhythmic sound of Erwin snoring soon lulled Levi to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to my partner who helped me with creating a civilian friendly/ military-esque report. He tried to use jargon, and I tenderly held up a hand and said: "Partner, please no, those words are too big. You're going to hurt me." He was merciful. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who has show so much support for this story.


	21. November 29, 2014

Erwin woke up to the sound of thunder outside. He squinted in the almost dark room and felt uncomfortable. Once he was more conscious, he realized that he was laying on Levi's side of the bed. The side where Erwin usually slept was empty.

_“We fell asleep?”_ Erwin wondered. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. Blinking rapidly, Erwin looked over to the bathroom. There wasn't any light streaming from the bathroom. _“Where's Levi?”_ Slowly, Erwin leaned over and turned on the lamp on top of Levi's nightstand. He squinted against the light and groaned. The rain made it so dark outside that he still felt like it was early morning. He looked around the room, still groggy.

Erwin rolled over to his side of the bed and sat on the edge. He grimaced when he realized the sheets were still soggy from the night before, and he had rolled through a lubricant puddle. His phone was on his nightstand, plugged up and charging. Erwin’s eyebrows pinched together. He hadn’t brought his phone from the dining room. Levi must have done it for him. Erwin picked up his phone and unplugged it, turning on the screen. It was 8:16. His phone was fully charged, and he had a text from Levi and a text from Hange. Erwin opened the text from Levi.

_Levi: Woke up after you fell asleep realized I forgot to take my medicine. Going to sleep in late. Can't sleep in a wet bed. Guest room. Make me take my meth when you wake up._

He set his phone down on his nightstand. Erwin stood, walked around the bed to Levi's nightstand and picked up Levi's methadone bottle. He also picked up the glass of water that Levi kept on his side of the bed. Erwin walked through his bedroom and opened the door.

He checked the room with the yellow bedspread first. Levi wasn't there. Erwin closed the door and walked down the hallway to the room with the blue bedspread. Instead of being completely closed, the door was slightly ajar. Erwin pushed at it with a single finger, and it swung open. The curtains were pulled back, showing heavy rain falling in the back yard from a gray sky. In the dim room, there was a bundle under the blue bedspread. 

_“He must have stayed awake long enough to put everything back in its proper place,”_ Erwin realized. Erwin walked into the room and stood next to the bed. He set the glass and medicine bottle on the nightstand.

“Levi,” Erwin said quietly. Cautiously, he pulled the bedspread down to reveal Levi curled up under the blankets. Levi's head wasn't even on the pillow. His black hair was sprawled out under him, and he was still naked. But it seemed that he had showered again because he looked clean. _“How long were you awake, darling?”_ Erwin cleared his dry throat. “Levi,” he said louder. Levi only growled in response. “Take your methadone,” Erwin said. Levi inhaled and exhaled heavily in an annoyed sigh. He frowned harshly. Erwin picked up Levi's bottle from the nightstand and opened it. He poured a single pill into his hand. Then, he remembered that he hadn't washed his hands from the night before and wondered if it would bother Levi. He decided not to mention it, hoping Levi wouldn't remember. “Sit up.”

Without even opening his eyes, obviously irritated, Levi sat up halfway in bed. His eyelids parted barely to see the pill in Erwin's hand. He took it, popping it in his mouth, before laying back down, not bothering with water. Erwin capped the bottle and set it on the nightstand. He threw the heavy comforter and sheet over Levi again before he left the room, closing the door all of the way. Erwin yawned and walked across the hallway to the guest bathroom to wash his hands.

Once he had thoroughly scrubbed, Erwin left the bathroom and went back to his bedroom to check the message from Hange. He went to his nightstand and picked up his phone, opening Hange's message.

_Hange: Call me when you wake up._

Erwin sat on the edge of the bed, avoiding the big wet spot on the sheets and called Hange. The phone rang and eventually her voicemail answered. Erwin hung up. As soon as he ended the call, Hange called back. Erwin answered.

“Good morning, Hange,” Erwin said, his voice gruff from sleep.

“Good morning,” she said cheerfully. “Just woke up?”

“I did,” Erwin said. “Did you have fun yesterday?”

“Yes! I found the shower head I wanted,” Hange said. Erwin smiled sleepily.

“That's good,” he mumbled.

“Are you awake enough to talk about the reaching out to other people on the internet thing?”

“Yes.”

“I've been talking to Moblit,” Hange said. “And I have a few follow up questions.”

“Alright.”

“Do you think we're going to get a large response from people?” Hange asked. Erwin cleared his throat.

“I've thought about that for a while,” Erwin said. “Instinctively, I don't think that we will.”

“What makes you say that?”

“I just simply feel that we won't find a lot of people from our first life. We might not find anyone at all.”

“What will happen if we get an influx?”

“Connect them with each other, as I said,” Erwin cleared his throat again. “Excuse me. My throat is dry this morning.”

“Why?”

“I was probably snoring,” Erwin admitted.

“Oh,” Hange said. “ You should get that checked out. Anyway, how are you going to evaluate whether we choose to help someone or not?”

“Intuition,” Erwin said. Hange sighed heavily on the other side of the phone. 

“That doesn't really tell me anything.”

“I know,” Erwin said. “I'm sorry.”

“What about the process?”

“I suppose, I would simply engage in conversation with them,” Erwin explained. “Ask a few questions about their current life. Possibly meet up with them if I believe they need our support. Possibly bring them to us if they need to be around others from their first life.” Hange hummed in thought. “I'm especially concerned about someone being alone when they remember. If Levi and I had not remembered together, I suppose I would have thought I had a psychotic break and sought treatment. Without his support, I don't know what would have happened to me.”

“Yeah,” Hange said. “I'm really concerned about what Levi said. I don't want to turn anyone away who needs help.”

“I understand,” Erwin said. “And I know that he seemed rather harsh. However, I still agree with him. For example, if someone was a hardened criminal who had spent most of their life in a prison, but they contacted us for support, I would be wary of bringing them near any of us.”

“Hardened criminal?” Hange asked.

“Violent crime specifically. If we find a lot of people from that time, they will come from all walks of life,” Erwin said. “Drug dealers as well. My understanding is that Moblit and Mike have tried several strains of marijuana trying to find a proper sleep aid, and I don't want to assist them in finding anything stronger to help with their nightmares. I also don't need anyone tempting Levi anymore than he tempts himself. Anyone involved in the drug trade would have to seriously convince me that they aren't a danger to us before I agreed to meet with them.”

“Levi's been tempting himself?” Hange asked. Erwin furrowed his brows. He hadn't exactly meant to say that. He blamed it on trying to have a discussion so soon as he was awake, and made a mental note to try and avoid that in future. But he could cover it up quickly.

“Addiction never really goes away, Hange,” Erwin reminded her. “If you're in recovery, you're never actually cured. Staying clean is a continuous process.”

“Right, right,” Hange said. She sounded satisfied with the answer. “When I see him, it's so hard to think about that, you know. I forget about it because he seems to be the same Levi I've always known.”

“I'm sure he would be glad to hear you say that,” Erwin smiled.

“I think I understand what you're saying now,” Hange said. “I'm sorry I was so upset on Thanksgiving. I just,” she paused, gathering her words. “I think I took it a little too far. Maybe I was too confrontational with Levi. When he said that you would've left him if he had not attempted to recover, and I thought about what it would be like without him. Just five of us instead of six.”

“He hasn't mentioned being offended,” Erwin said. “I know that you and Levi have had miscommunications before. Allow me to tell you for him that he is just as passionate about helping soldiers as you are, Hange. If he thought that I hadn't given someone a fair chance, I believe he would fight me over it, probably physically, and I doubt I would be able to keep up with him this time. But he's also considering the worst case scenarios. You typically have a more positive outlook on things.”

“I know,” she said. “I hadn't considered long term prisoners or drug dealers among us. I can't imagine our soldiers doing those things, Erwin. It doesn't seem right.”

“In the context of our first life, I know that it's difficult to imagine. But modern times are vastly different than our first life. You should consider all scenarios before making your decision.” Hange was quiet while she was thinking about Erwin said.

“I don't know if I could handle it if I found out some of the younger generation was in serious trouble,” Hange said. “I mean to say that,” she paused again, sighing heavily into the phone. She was starting to sound exasperated, and Erwin hoped that he could find a way to cheer her up. “I can't stand the idea of seeing one of the kids ruining their lives.”

“I know, after I was gone, you had to try and lead what was left of the Survey Corps, specifically what was left of the soldiers from the 104th training unit,” Erwin said. “Eren included, with all of his complications. And Armin coming to terms with his Titan powers. Poor Mikasa caught in the middle of all of it. If you are trying to say that your feelings towards them changed once you became Commander, I could understand.”

“Something like that,” Hange said.

“If we find one of them using this method, I won't tell you about it until I'm sure that it's safe,” Erwin said.

“What about you?” Hange asked. “Who's going to take care of you during all of this?”

“You don't have to worry about that, Hange,” Erwin assured her.

“But I do,” Hange said. “Levi worries. He said you needed to keep a leash on your guilt.”

“If it becomes too much in some way, then I will find a different way to approach this plan. This doesn't have to be set in stone. I expect that I will be very detached from it all, considering the mode of communication,” Erwin said.

“Do you think this is really going to help people?” Hange asked.

“If anyone who is safe to be near us responds, I believe that we can really make a difference in his or her life,” Erwin said. Hange was quiet, and then hummed while she thought. Erwin patiently waited while she seemed to be formulating another question.

“I have a suggestion,” Hange said.

“I'm listening.”

“I would feel more comfortable with this if you would allow Levi to assist you,” she said. Erwin didn't say anything immediately. He considered all possibilities in a short amount of time. Several moments of silence passed between them while he thought. “Actually, I could immediately agree to it if you would allow Levi to assist you. Otherwise, I'm going to have to think about it a while longer,” Hange added.

“How would you suggest that he assists me?” Erwin asked.

“Just talk to him,” Hange said. “If someone contacts you, tell him about it. You're impressive when it comes to reading other people, but you have a tendency to neglect yourself, Erwin. Go ahead and try to argue the point if you want.” Erwin chose not to say anything, but he did roll his eyes. Hange waited. When it seemed that Erwin wasn't going to make an attempt, she continued. “I've wondered before if you're simply blind to your own discomfort or if you have purposefully ignored it. It's okay to have two opinions about something that could be as emotionally charged as this might be.”

“I could agree with that,” Erwin said.

“So you'll let him help you? He's not going to assert his opinion over yours, not like I would. But he won't let you take so much of a lead like Mike,” Hange explained. Erwin nodded. That made sense to him. If he was going to have to share the information with anyone before he announced it to the group, he wanted it to be Levi.

“I'll talk to him about it,” Erwin said. “If he agrees to assist me, in the way of my choosing, will you agree to us starting this project?”

“Yes,” Hange said. “I agree to it under the condition that Levi has some hand in it.” Erwin smiled. That was too easy. Of course, he would follow Hange's condition, but not as closely as she probably wanted. She could use some negotiation practice too. Erwin remembered that Hange was much more assertive in their first life. Something about her modern existence had softened that. 

“I don't suppose that Moblit has had an opportunity to work on those images of the military isignia,” Erwin said.

“He was actually so excited about it that he started working on them today,” Hange said, an obvious smile in her voice. “That's why we started talking about this. He's been awake, since five, drawing.”

“I'm glad that he's excited to contribute,” Erwin said. “I'll text you the email that I'll be using to open the account. He can email me the pictures, and if you two decide you want to write letters, you can email the pictures of them to that address as well.”

“I'm definitely writing a letter,” Hange said. “All about the Titans. I'm going to include my name and rank and stuff like that, but mostly Titans.” Erwin chuckled softly.

“I look forward to reading what you've written,” Erwin said. He meant it. At least this time, he could read Hange's writing leisurely instead of forcing himself to read it for business. “I have to go for now. Is there anything else that you would like to discuss or ask?”

“Now that Levi's going to have some kind of involvement with it, I feel better,” Hange said. “ It's a project that's too big for one man, even you. And I believe that he really would fight for a soldier to have an opportunity for support. Maybe he wasn't so great at teamwork sometimes, but he was one hell of a Squad Leader.”

“You should tell him that sometime,” Erwin suggested.

“I probably should. Do you think he would blush?” Hange asked, mischief dripping in her voice.

“I'm not sure what he would do,” Erwin admitted. “But I'd like to see it.”

“I'll make sure you're around,” Hange promised.

“I hope you enjoy your day, Hange,” Erwin said. “Get some rest. You should need it after yesterday.”

“Have a good day, Erwin.”

“Goodbye, Hange.”

“Bye bye!” Erwin waited on the phone until he heard the line disconnect. He pulled the phone away from his ear and set it down on the nightstand.

Erwin stood from the bed and went to his bathroom. After he showered and brushed his teeth, he began combing his hair. He paused, staring at his reflection. Erwin had planned to put product in his hair, but he realized that it had grown out beyond the length he wanted. Erwin turned his head and awkwardly looked at the undercut. He ran his fingers against it. 

_“I wonder if Levi would give me a haircut today,”_ Erwin thought. _“If he doesn't feel like it, I should go to the barber today.”_ Erwin pulled at the longer hairs of his undercut, frowning. _“Much too long.”_ Erwin patted his hair back into place, refusing to fuss with it anymore. After one more glance, he turned away from the mirror. 

Leaving the bathroom, Erwin went to his closet and pulled on some underwear and a pair of jeans. He didn't bother putting on a shirt. Once he was dressed he left the closet and his bedroom, turning to go into his office. He opened the door and walked to his chair, sitting down to look at his computer.

Moving the mouse to wake his computer up, Erwin logged into his user account and immediately opened a web browser. He went to the Twitter website and created an account using the email that he shared with Levi. By using the account he shared with Levi, he figured that it satisfied Hange's demand that Levi have some form of involvement with the project, but it didn't directly put him in the position to manage the account. He used thesurveycorps for the username and named the profile The Trost District. Once the account was created, Erwin began exploring the website. Before he even added any tweets, he typed in the keywords that they had decided they should use. The words Survey Corps brought up no results. The words Shingashina and Mitras returned no results as well. When he searched for Trost, of course his own profile was revealed, but that was all. When he searched for King Fritz as Levi had suggested, pictures and tweets about a horse breed were shown.

When that research was done, Erwin began following popular accounts of all types of celebrities and large companies. He didn't expect any of them to follow him back, but he thought some people might discover the account from curiosity if he was listed as a follower of popular accounts. Every time he followed an account, he looked to Twitter's suggestions for other accounts to follow. Time seemed to disappear as Erwin slipped into the repetitive motion of finding popular accounts, following, finding another account, following. A few times, he looked through a list of followers for popular accounts, wondering if he would see anyone familiar. But he spent the majority of his time following accounts that received a lot of attention. While he repeated the motion, he fantasized about finding soldiers who still needed guidance. He considered being able to right the wrongs that he had done. Briefly, Erwin imagined finding Nile again. Even if they had gone their separate ways, Nile had been with him during his adolescence, and that type of bond felt important. There had been times that he wondered why he had been allowed to have Mike but not Nile. 

“What are you doing?” Levi asked. Erwin looked away from the computer, train of thought broken, and saw Levi, naked, leaning against the door frame of his office, still looking very tired.

“Good morning,” Erwin said. Levi only nodded. “I'm sorry you didn't rest very well.”

“It's alright,” Levi murmured. “I should've remembered to take my medicine.” Erwin's eyes softened.

“Come here and look,” Erwin said. Levi leaned away from the door frame and moved through the room, with his stalking pace. Erwin didn't try to hide that he was staring, and Levi noticed, choosing not to mention it. He walked around the back of the desk and looked at the computer screen. Erwin clicked follow on the celebrity's page and clicked the home icon. When the page loaded, Levi put his hand on the desk and leaned down further to inspect the page.

“You made the account,” Levi said. Erwin nodded.

“I talked to Hange this morning. She agreed,” Erwin said. “Mike and I discussed it yesterday while you and Nanaba were checking on the ice cream. He told me that he and Nanaba discussed it some more and decided that it was still a good idea. Moblit has been drawing all morning. What about you, Levi?” Levi looked at him. “I'll delete it right now if you want.”

“No, it's good,” Levi said. He lifted up from the desk and stood erect. Erwin's eyes followed Levi's face.

“Hange had a stipulation,” Erwin said.

“Yeah?”

“She wanted you to have some involvement of some kind,” Erwin explained. “I've created this account using the email that we share.” Levi nodded. “I would appreciate it if you would disconnect that account from your phone so you won't receive notifications.”

“That's real fucking sneaky, don't you think?”

“Yes,” Erwin said. Levi furrowed his brows and tilted his head.

“You don't want me involved?” Levi asked.

“I'd simply like to be the first point of contact,” Erwin said.

“You will be,” Levi said. “I'm not dropping the account. All of your letters are in there.” Levi crossed his arms over his chest. Erwin's eyes dropped to Levi's forearms before they raised to his gray eyes again.

“Do you still read them?” Erwin asked. Levi shrugged. Warmth spread through Erwin's chest. He hadn't considered that Levi still read his letters. “You can log into the account any time you want, darling. I wouldn't take that from you. But if it's connected to your phone, you may receive notifications every time someone this account follows tweets something.” Levi tapped one of his fingers against his arm while he stared at Erwin, thinking.

“How many accounts have you followed?” Levi asked. Erwin looked back at the computer screen and went to the account's profile.

“Four hundred and seventy three,” Erwin said. He looked back up at Levi. Levi had his head titled farther, eyes widened.

“How fucking long have you been sitting here?”

“I'm not sure,” Erwin admitted. “The more accounts I follow, the more likely someone who needs us will find us.” Levi breathed out heavily and raised one hand to rub his forehead with his fingertips. He swallowed heavily, suddenly craving a cigarette.

“This is only going to make more work for you, Erwin,” Levi dropped his hand back to his arm and looked down at Erwin's blue eyes.

“I could use the work,” Erwin said. His eyes were searching Levi's expression for understanding. Levi's gray eyes scanned Erwin's face in return, trying to see what Erwin might be hiding.

“Why do you need more work?” Levi asked. Erwin was silent while he collected his words. If he wasn't careful, Levi might demand that he delete the account immediately. And even if he could do the work on his own, he didn't want to. He wanted the account to be approved by everyone. There might come a time that he needed to delegate. But he needed to experiment on his own first.

“Everything is still a little too easy for me,” Erwin said. “And if someone out there needs our help, I do think that it's our duty to provide whatever support we can.”

“So, you're bored, and you feel obligated to help others,” Levi said. Erwin paused for a moment before he nodded.

“That's a version of it,” Erwin said. Levi lifted his eyes to the ceiling and swallowed a retort. He cleared his throat and dropped his eyes back down to Erwin.

“I guess I have a stipulation now too,” Levi said.

“What is it?” Erwin asked. Levi leaned down over the desk, unwrapping his arms and supporting himself with one hand while he leaned closer to Erwin. He made direct eye contact.

“If this starts to fuck with you,” Levi muttered, trying to keep his tone at least slightly respectful. “If this fucks with your head, you cannot hide it from me. We're not in that life anymore. You might still have Commander heart, but I'm not going to let you drop into a depression that can be avoided. If you let this shit get to you and you hide it from me, I'll smash your electronics and break your thumbs.” Erwin maintained firm eye contact, and he saw the truth in Levi's eyes. Levi was worried. He only ever threatened physical violence when he was truly worried. “Alright?”

“I heard you,” Erwin nodded. Levi searched Erwin's eyes for a moment before he nodded in return.

“I know you heard me, but what does that mean?” Levi asked quietly. “Don't pull any fucking loopholes on me, Erwin.”

“Levi,” Erwin breathed. “If this project begins to distress me, you will be the first to know.”

“That's not what I said,” Levi said, his voice raising slightly, annoyance already showing. “First to know, sure. That doesn't mean you're going to tell me at all.”

“What exactly would you like me to say?” Erwin asked, irritation becoming more obvious.

“Cut the bullshit,” Levi growled. Erwin swiveled in his chair and fully faced Levi.

“If this project begins to negatively affect me in any way, especially if it begins to depress me to communicate with a soldier or a civilian whose death I have caused, I will tell you about it. I will even show you the messages. We will discuss it,” Erwin said, almost snapping the last sentence. Levi watched Erwin's eyes while he thought about Erwin's words. He couldn't think of a loophole in what Erwin said. And he had already stepped on Erwin's toes enough at that point.

“I’ll agree to it then,” Levi said. He leaned up and stood properly. Erwin's eyes followed his face, irritation simmering in the blue irises. Levi turned and began walking out of the room. Erwin's eyes stayed on the back of Levi's head until he had walked out of the room and into the master bedroom.

Once Levi was out of sight, Erwin leaned back in his chair and rubbed his eyes. It irritated him to be questioned so much. And Levi had prodded him essentially about being dishonest, which had borderline upset him. He didn't consider himself dishonest with the people close to him. He dropped his hands from his face and stared at the ceiling, thinking. If he ever hid anything from them, it was strictly based on protecting their best interests. Specifically with Levi, he felt the need to keep as many stressors under control as possible. But he couldn't tell Levi that. With a heavy breath, Erwin leaned his chair forward into its proper position. He looked at the computer screen and frowned. The clock read 11:56. 

Erwin stood from the computer chair and stretched his muscles, which protested from being sedentary for so long. He walked around the edge of the his desk to leave the room. When he stepped out of the office, he moved directly into his bedroom. He could hear the sink faucet in the bathroom running. Erwin walked over to his nightstand, picked up his phone and texted the email account to Hange and Moblit, Mike and Nanaba. He made a quick explanation of when they finished their letters, they should take high quality photos with plenty of light and send the pictures to the account. The sound of the water running in the bathroom sink stopped. Once he sent the text, Erwin put his phone back down on the nightstand.

“Hey,” Levi said. Erwin looked over in the direction of the bathroom. Levi was wearing a pair of black jeans and a mint green, short sleeved shirt then, black socks covering his feet. He exited the bathroom, tapping out the light. and approached Erwin. Erwin turned his body and faced Levi, curious if Levi was going to give him more grief over something. When Levi was directly in front of Erwin, he looked up.  
“You stripped the bed for me?”

“Yes,” Erwin said. 

“Are you pissed at me?”

“No,” Erwin said immediately. It was true. He wasn't angry. But the tone of annoyance was still in his voice. Levi's gray eyes scanned his face, dropped to his body to read it and raised back up again.

“I know I pushed your buttons,” Levi said.

“Why would you purposely do that do me?” Erwin asked. Levi shrugged.

“The same reason you do it to me,” Levi said. “You pissed me off last night to get your point across. Sometimes we can't talk about shit until we're a little bit pissed.” Erwin raised his eyebrows at the blunt sentences. Levi's mouth twitched, and his eyelids lowered a bit when he saw Erwin's reaction.

“You're right,” Erwin admitted. He broke eye contact and looked at the floor for a moment, analyzing what Levi had said. Erwin knew he had purposefully intensified the situation to make Levi vulnerable. Then, once he felt Levi's emotional boundaries fall, he made his point. He took the time to think about every time they had discussed something that had a lot of emotion involved, and they either attempted to take the emotion out of it completely or would sometimes lose their tempers. That habit had remained from their first life. But in a modern time, with more communication tools, it could be considered unhealthy. His eyebrows furrowed.

“There's nothing wrong with it,” Levi said. Erwin lifted his eyes from the floor and looked at Levi's eyes again. “We don't have to change it. It's leftover from the relationship we had back then.”

“We could work on it,” Erwin offered. 

“I don't want to,” Levi said. “I like the way we work. I only asked if you were pissed because I'm hungry.” As the words sank in, Erwin felt a grin spreading across his face. Levi didn't blame him for his tactics the night before. It was the way they had always communicated. Pushing and pulling at each other until the situation was blown out of proportion, only to be softened moments later.

“So, you aren't concerned about my feelings,” Erwin said softly. “You're just want me to feed you.” Levi grinned up at him. He stepped closer, leaving only centimeters between them.

“Are you saying that I gave your man feelings a boo boo?” Levi asked, teasing. The look on Erwin's face in response was a mix of confusion and impending laughter.

“What? No,” Erwin insisted, chuckling a bit and blushing. He had never heard Levi speak that way before. It was so childish, and it made Erwin feel childish for even being upset.

“It was a really bad ouchie, wasn't it,” Levi smiled, nodding, encouraging Erwin to admit it. Erwin lifted his eyes to the ceiling, not able to look at Levi while he was being so silly. Levi was never silly back then. The behavior was foreign, but Erwin still found it curious and quite funny. Levi made jokes at anyone's expense, including his own. Erwin rubbed his lips together, and even tried to hold onto the frustration he felt earlier. But it was slowly slipping away. Levi lifted his arms and put his hands against Erwin's bare chest, his right thumb brushing against the bolo tie tattoo. Erwin hesitated, so Levi ran his hands up Erwin's chest, joining them around the back of his neck. Erwin's chest was tense, trying not to betray that there was laughter building up in it. “I'm a mean, mean man.” Levi leaned up on his tiptoes and pressed a kiss against Erwin's jaw. “Do you want me to kiss it better?” Levi whispered. Finally, Erwin lifted his hands to press them against Levi's ribs.

“Levi,” Erwin said, some of the laughter he was holding slipped out with the word.

“Tell me how mean I am,” Levi whispered, pressing another kiss to Erwin's jaw. Erwin's eyes dropped from the ceiling back down to Levi. He couldn't hide the wide smile on his face anymore.

“What's gotten into you?” Erwin asked softly. Levi settled back down on his feet, dropping his hands to let them rest on Erwin's chest again. He shrugged.

“I don't know what I did to you,” Levi admitted. Levi's facial expression had changed. He was serious. The smile on Erwin's face slowly faded while he read Levi's expression. Adoration flooded Erwin's chest while he gazed over Levi's face. “But I think that I said something that pissed you off, and you're just too fucking patient to say it.” Levi leaned back. His gray eyes glanced over Erwin's face, looking for a hint. His thumb brushed against the bolo tie tattoo again.

“Do you think my ways are dishonest?” Erwin asked.

“Sometimes,” Levi said, unaffected by the sudden question. “For good reason.”

“In our current settings, it seems dishonorable,” Erwin said quietly.

“Fuck no,” Levi said. “Don't let his modern shit get to you, Erwin. People don't want honesty. They want to feel good.” Levi's hands dropped from Erwin's chest and rested on Erwin's biceps. “You're honest with me when it counts, that's what I care about. I gave you the third degree to make myself feel better.” Levi saw the look in Erwin's eyes soften. “You know?” Erwin nodded. He understood then. Levi had forced the issue to feel like he had more control. It seemed they were both struggling against each other for control lately. 

“I know,” Erwin muttered. 

“Did you eat breakfast?” 

“I forgot,” Erwin admitted. Levi frowned up at him. 

“Seriously, you can't blame me for worrying about you not taking care of yourself,” Levi said, eyelids lowered with gentle disapproval. Unable to think of a comeback immediately, Erwin leaned down and pressed his lips to Levi's softly, eyes closed. He took the time to gently inhale Levi's scent, the one that was so familiar. Levi leaned up, pressing into the kiss harder, looking for stimulation. Erwin pressed his thumbs into Levi's ribs, dragging them harshly against the bone. After dragging his tongue gently against Levi's bottom lip, Erwin pulled back a few centimeters, breaking the kiss and maintaining the intimacy. 

“We should start over,” Erwin muttered. Levi leaned up farther, capturing Erwin's lips again, greedy for the attention. Erwin moved his hands from Levi's ribs, wrapping his arms around Levi's slim waist and holding him tightly. Their tongues met in a rush, sliding against each other. Once they were breathless, Levi pulled back, opening his eyes. A moment later, Erwin opened his eyes and met the gaze. 

“Good morning, Erwin,” Levi whispered. Erwin's right hand slid up Levi's back and rested between his shoulder blades. 

“Good morning, darling,” Erwin murmured. He tilted his head, pressing a kiss against Levi's jaw. 

“We're not fucking again until we eat something,” Levi insisted quietly. He wasn't prepared to catch the gasp that ripped from his lips when Erwin kissed the sensitive skin just below his ear. 

“Are you sure?” Erwin asked against his skin. 

“Yes,” Levi said firmly. Erwin sighed against Levi's skin, causing a chill to run up Levi's spine. He shuddered in Erwin's arms, but held firmly to his self-control. “Come on, Erwin.” Levi started pushing at Erwin then, trying to pull away. After a few firm pushes, he felt Erwin's arms loosen around his waist, and that was enough slack for him to pull away. Once their bodies were separated, Levi pushed at his hair, putting it back in place. “I need a haircut.” He looked up at Erwin, visually inspecting the blond hair. 

“I do too,” Erwin said, self-consciously patting at his hair. 

“I left my clippers at home,” Levi said. “I'll go get them after we eat and come back to cut your hair.” Levi stepped back to leave the bedroom, but Erwin caught his hand gently. Levi turned, looking at their hands before he met Erwin's eyes. In the blue irises, Levi saw a question, but Erwin wasn't immediately talking. “What?” 

“You could move some more of your things in, if you like,” Erwin said softly. Levi wrapped his hand in Erwin's tighter. 

“Let's focus on one thing at the time,” Levi reminded him. He tugged on Erwin's hand, directing him to walk. “Come on.” Erwin stepped forward, allowing himself to be led. Levi's response hadn't been a rejection. But Erwin understood that he had obviously overwhelmed Levi if he was demanding that they only handle one thing at a time. It had been a busy day already. Their routine had been demolished. It was still important to stick as closely to Levi's routine as possible, no matter how much their relationship had matured. 

_“That was the wrong time,”_ Erwin realized as he walked through the hallway with Levi. He cringed at his own misjudgment. 

Levi let go of Erwin's hand when they were in the kitchen. He went to the refrigerator and looked at their options. There were still plenty of leftovers from Thanksgiving, but he wasn't in the mood for that again. When he looked behind him, he saw that Erwin was leaning against the counter, looking at him. 

“What do you want? I'm too hungry to decide,” Levi said. Erwin moved away from the counter and looked into the fridge over Levi's head. 

“If it's already lunch time, let's have something with protein,” Erwin suggested. “And we can go to the gym tonight since we didn't make time the last couple of days.” Levi opened the frozen side of the refrigerator and looked at the options. He reached into the freezer and pulled out a package of chicken breasts. 

“Grilled?” Levi asked. 

“If that's what you want,” Erwin said. Levi held the package up, and he felt Erwin taken them out of his hand, moving to the sink to defrost them in hot water. 

Levi stepped back, closing the refrigerator, and he turned. 

“While those are thawing, I should go to my place and get my clippers,” Levi suggested. Erwin looked up from the sink and at Levi. “By the time I get back, you'll already be grilling.” Erwin nodded, turning his attention back to the sink. “Hey,” Levi said, walking over to Erwin. When Erwin turned to look down at him, Levi leaned up on his toes, pressing his hand to one of Erwin's cheeks, and kissed him quickly. “It won't take long,” he promised, stroking Erwin's cheek bone with his thumb. Erwin only nodded again. Levi's hand dropped. 

Levi left the kitchen and went to the front of the house, taking his car keys out of one of his shoes at the front door. He patted his back pockets, making sure that he had his phone, wallet, and cigarettes. When he felt of both full pockets, he slipped into his shoes and opened the front door. 

“Fucking rain,” Levi complained loudly. 

Erwin heard the front door close and the deadbolt turn. He leaned forward and rested his forehead on the counter over the sink. Closing his eyes, Erwin tried to self-soothe. But he couldn't. His mind was too active. More than anything, Erwin just wanted to know where Levi went when he left. Erwin opened his eyes, suddenly struck with an idea. He could know. If he wanted to know, he could. It would be so easy to find out. Of course, he trusted Levi, but he just really wanted to know where Levi lived. _“In case of emergencies. Not relapse emergencies. More like natural disasters. In case a of a hurricane. Hurricanes happen."_ But even Erwin didn't believe that reasoning. _" You want to know where he lives because it hurts every time he leaves. Even for a short time. Because back then he never left your side without telling you where he would go.”_ That was all of the convincing that Erwin needed. Standing upright, Erwin wiped his wet hands on a dish towel. He moved over to the spice cabinet and pulled out a canister of black pepper. 

He stopped by his bedroom to grab his cell phone and look at one of Levi's prescription bottles. Erwin had picked up Levi's Klonopin. He stared at the bottle for a while before he set it back down on the nightstand. Even if he had memorized the doctor's name, Erwin had to be sure he was calling the right office. Then, he went into the bathroom to pick up a box of tissues to use with his canister of black pepper. With his knowledge and supplies ready, Erwin went to his office. Sitting down in his chair, Erwin pulled out a piece of paper and a pen. In an incognito window on his web browser, he Googled the name of Levi's doctor, and the number to the VA clinic came up. Erwin dialed the number. 

He had to go through the typical format of choosing which doctor's office he wanted to speak with in the clinic. While the phone rang, Erwin waited. 

“Dr. Katner's office, can you hold?”

“Yep!” Erwin said, making sure that he had a huge, stupid smile on his face. He listened to the hold music and focused on the character he wanted to play. It was important to make the phone call as ridiculous as possible. Erwin opened the canister of black pepper and inhaled. He only had enough time to pull several tissues out of the box before he began sneezing loudly and uncontrollably. 

“Thank you for holding. How may I help you?” Erwin was sneezing too much to answer. “My goodness! Bless you!” Erwin kept sneezing. When he stopped sneezing, he sniffled heavily. “Bless you again!” 

“Thank you,” Erwin said pitifully, voice congested from all of the activity. 

“It sounds like you need an appointment,” she said cheerfully. 

“Uh huh,” Erwin said. “I need an appointment, and I need to change my address again.” 

“What's your name, sweetie?” 

“Landon Armstrong,” Erwin said. “I'm sorry that I keep changing my address so much. My sister keeps moving me around town trying to decide which ex-husband she wants to get back together with, and she can't decide where we're suppose to live. And I would move out already if I could.” Erwin sniffled. “But times are hard, you know? And my job doesn't pay very much, and I never finished high school. And I can't stop sneezing, and no one likes that-” 

“That's okay, honey! How about an appointment tomorrow at 10:30?” Erwin sniffled again. He liked that the receptionist had interrupted him during his story. It meant that she didn't have much time to talk and was more likely to make a mistake.

“That sounds good,” Erwin said weakly. 

“And let's get your address changed. Let me get to the correct page, okay?” 

“Okay.” Erwin sniffled again for good measure. 

“Alright. What's that new address?” 

“Which one is on there right now?” Erwin asked. “I've changed it three times this month because we keep moving between two places.” The receptionist read Erwin the address, even included the apartment number, and he jotted it down on the paper in front of him. “Atlanta? I've never lived in Atlanta.” 

“But this is Dr. Katner's office in Atlanta, Georgia.” 

“Ugggghhhhhh,” Erwin groaned. He leaned back in his chair to add to the exasperation. 

“Which Dr. Katner are you trying to call?” 

“The one in Ann Arbor,” Erwin complained. He sighed for emphasis. “But Google gave me this number to call. Why did it do that? Google is so stupid.” 

“I'm not sure, sweetie,” the receptionist said. He could hear the impatience in her voice though. 

“I don't know either,” Erwin whined. "Why can't Google do things right?" 

“I hope it gets better,” she said. Erwin sighed again.

“I'll just ask my sister for the number,” he whined. “Thanks anyway.” 

“Have a great day!” Erwin took the phone away from his ear and ended the call. He blew his nose to make sure that he had gotten all of the pepper out of it. Erwin wiped his nose with some more tissues and looked at the address in front of him. Briefly, he imagined the look on the receptionist's face and the way she might have shook her head in disbelief that a grown man couldn't figure out how to call his own doctor's office. He wondered if she would tell her family about the strange call later that night over dinner. Considering that she worked with the public, he imagined that she received strange phone calls pretty regularly though. 

Erwin typed Levi's address into his web browser and stared at the results. He memorized the address and the look of the building, even silently saying the name of the street and apartment number to help him remember. According to the address, Levi lived in a less than desirable area of the city. But it wasn't as bad as some places could be. He committed it to memory and would burn the piece of paper in the grill later.

******

Over an hour later, Levi unlocked Erwin's front door. He opened it and stepped into the foyer. The rain had finally stopped, but it was still very humid and gray outside. Levi had to take time to dry off at his apartment because the rain was so heavy earlier. But he planned on showering again after their haircuts anyway. After closing the door, he slipped out of his shoes, dropping his keys down into them. Levi frowned down at his shoes.

_“I should buy him a hall tree,”_ Levi thought. _“Or at least put a hook up here for my keys.”_ He lifted his head and looked at the wall. Squinting at the wall, he decided where he wanted to secure the hook into the wall and thought he would pick one up at the hardware store later in the week. 

Levi turned in the foyer, pulling the assault pack off of his shoulders. He glanced into the kitchen, not seeing Erwin, before he walked down the hallway. When Levi walked into the bedroom, he saw that Erwin had put the bed back together, and he couldn't help the smile that reached his face when he smelled a touch of vodka in the room. Erwin had sanitized the mattress for him. Levi stopped at the closet and began unpacking the rest of his possessions. He left one change of clothes and one set of scrubs at his apartment. Other than that, he had packed everything else. His side of the closet was only half full when he finished. But he didn't have much. He had to spend time and money refilling his wardrobe after he left Randy. And before he was with Erwin again, Levi didn't have any use for a large selection of street clothes. 

Levi unpacked his hair care kit last, which was contained in a small black bag. He pushed his assault pack against the wall of the closet, out of the way, next to his duffle bag. Then,Levi went to Erwin's bathroom and set the bag down on the side of the counter that he typically used. He unzipped his kit and began setting up his tools for haircuts later. When he was satisfied with the set up, Levi left the bathroom and walked back through the house to the back door. 

When he opened the back door, he saw the Erwin was standing in front of a hot grill with the lid up. He was just laying the chicken breasts on the grill.

“Welcome back,” Erwin said without looking up. Levi stepped out onto the porch, pulling his pack of cigarettes from his back pocket. He took a cigarette from his pack and lit it. 

“Sorry it took so long,” Levi said once he exhaled smoke. Erwin closed the lid on the grill and put the tongs he was using on a plate he had brought outside with him. 

“That's alright,” he said, turning to look at Levi. “You brought your clippers?” 

“Yeah. I'm starving,” Levi grumbled. “How long is it going to take?” 

“Not long,” Erwin said. “While you're smoking, keep an eye on the grill for me? I thought I would go inside and prepare the side dishes.” Levi nodded. 

“What are we having?” 

“Salad and a vegetable,” Erwin said. “Do you like asparagus?” Levi cringed. “How about carrots?” 

“Carrots,” Levi nodded. Erwin smiled down at him before he moved to the door to go inside. Just before Erwin could turn the handle, he felt another sneeze coming on. He put the crook of his arm over his face just in time to catch it. Levi startled at the loud and sudden noise. "Shit, Erwin! Are you okay?" 

"Yes," Erwin sniffled. He took his arm away from his face, but didn't turn to look at Levi. 

"That scared the shit out of me. Did I hear your neck pop?" Levi asked. Erwin chuckled before he turned the door handle to go inside. 

"Probably," Erwin said as he stepped inside and closed the door. 

Erwin washed his arm and hands. Then, he began preparing the rest of their meal, and didn't bother to go outside and check on the grill again. He knew that Levi would take care of it. There was apprehension in his chest, and he disapproved of his own emotions. Levi hadn't rejected the idea of moving in with him. But he didn't know why Levi didn't seem to be interested in the idea. Erwin was feeling a little guilty for stealing Levi's address too, but he tried not to think about it too much. The entire day had been very confusing. 

By the time Erwin had peeled, cut and baked the carrots, Levi had finished grilling the chicken and brought it inside on the clean plate. Silently, they continued to prepare their meal together and plated it. Then, they moved into the dining room and ate without interacting through speaking or body contact. They chose to read on their phones during their late lunch. Once they had finished their meal, Levi stood from the table, taking Erwin's plate and empty glass. He took the dirty dishes to the kitchen and cleaned up, including washing the dishes they had cooked with. With the kitchen finally clean to his standards, Levi wiped his hands on a dish towel and hung it in its proper place before he walked back to the dining room. When he looked into the room, Erwin was still reading on his phone. 

“Come on,” Levi said. Erwin looked up from his phone. “Haircut. Grab a chair.” Levi's eyes dropped down to Erwin's chest, appreciating that he was still shirtless. Erwin turned the screen of his phone off and kept it in hand while he stood from the dining room table. He picked up his chair from the floor and carefully carried it through the dining room. Levi took the moment to appreciate that Erwin was still shirtless. He liked the way that Erwin's jeans would move over his hips bones when he walked. Levi turned and began walking back through the house, his hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans. 

Levi stopped in the bedroom and stripped down to his underwear, folding up his clothing and laying it on a shelf in the closet. In the bathroom, Erwin set the dining room chair down close the counter. When Levi followed Erwin into the bathroom, only wearing black boxer briefs, he adjusted the chair the way he wanted it, so he could see Erwin's face in the mirror. 

“Go strip down to your underwear so you don't get hair all of over your jeans,” Levi instructed. Erwin left the bathroom and went into the bedroom to take off his jeans and lay them on the bed, dropping his phone on top of the denim. When he was only in his gray boxer briefs, Erwin came back into the bathroom and sat in the chair. Then, Levi reached to the rack where they kept linens and grabbed a bathroom towel. He took the towel and wrapped it around Erwin's shoulders. Reaching into his bag, he grabbed a jaw hair clip and clipped the towel together in front of Erwin's chest. He ran his hands through the longest part of Erwin's hair. Levi appreciated how soft and light Erwin's hair felt. 

“No product today?” Levi asked. 

“I was hoping you would have time to cut my hair so I left it out,” Erwin said. 

“Good.” Levi picked up his clippers, which he had plugged in earlier, and picked out the size guard that he wanted. Erwin liked to have his undercut a bit longer. After putting the guard in place, Levi turned on the clippers and began running the blade through the bottom portion of Erwin's hair. It was longer, but it wasn't unmanageable. The hairs that fell from his head were only a quarter of an inch long or so. But if Erwin was ever vain about any part of his body, it was his hair. Levi enjoyed helping him manage it. 

Once Erwin's undercut was the proper length again, Levi turned off his clippers, taking the guard off, and brushing out the blade. Then, setting the clippers down, Levi picked up his scissors. Cutting the longer portion of Erwin's hair took more skill and concentration. But he had done it so many times, in their first life, that it didn't seem as intimidating before. The first time that Erwin had requested a hair cut, Levi demanded silence. But as he became more confident in his skills, they would eventually have conversations to make the time pass by faster. 

“Were you asking me to move in with you?” Levi asked. He continued to measure out Erwin's hair between his two fingers, cutting along the edges. Erwin didn't answer. Once he made a clean cut, Levi looked into the mirror, where he could see Erwin's face. Erwin had his eyes closed as if he was thinking. He opened his eyes and looked at Levi in the mirror. There wasn't any emotion on Erwin's face anymore. “Don't make it weird. Just ask me for real this time,” Levi said, maintaining eye contact. 

“Would you like to move in with me?” Erwin asked quietly. 

“Yes,” Levi said, smiling. Erwin's eyes scanned Levi's face, memorizing the look. Levi switched his attention again and clipped another line of Erwin's hair. “I might stay at my apartment on Thursday nights while my lease it still in place.” 

“Why?” 

“NA.” 

“I understand,” Erwin said. Of course, he understood. But he wondered if Levi was purposely staying away from him the nights that he had meetings. He wondered if Levi was hiding some sort of negativity from him. Maybe Levi was still uncomfortable with him. “If you're concerned about breaking the lease, I could help you.” 

“It's cheaper to pay it until it ends,” Levi said. Erwin reminded himself that it wasn't fair to assume that Levi was hiding anything from him. Levi was correct in thinking that it was more convenient to stay at the apartment in the city on the nights of meetings. Because otherwise he might not get home until nine or ten o'clock at night. 

Levi put his scissors down and picked up a comb. He combed through Erwin's blond hair and looked at the length. It still needed a few centimeters cut off before it was perfect. He put the comb down and picked up scissors again, clipping again.

“How much more time do you have on your lease?" Erwin asked, trying to keep his voice as a regular tone and volume once more. But he heard the uncertainty. Levi didn't respond, too focused on what he was doing. If he cut too much, he would have to fix it. Erwin watched the looked of concentration on Levi's face. He felt special to have Levi so focused on doing something for him as perfectly as possible. Once Levi was satisfied, he put the scissors back down and combed through Erwin's hair again, checking for any places he might have missed. 

"I signed for six months instead of a year last time, so I only have about four months left," Levi said. The tension in Erwin's chest eased. If Levi only signed for six months, maybe he had hoped Erwin would ask him to move in. Despite everything, they still seemed to have the same ideas in mind. They still wanted the same things. Erwin smiled at his own silliness. "Why do you still sound weird?" Erwin knew that three months wasn't much money at all in that part of town. But breaking the lease could be expensive, as Levi had said. Erwin felt guilty for doubting him. Their relationship was becoming just as complicated as it had been the first time. 

“I pushed a bit hard earlier,” Erwin said. Levi ran the comb through Erwin's hair once more and lifted his eyes to look at Erwin in the mirror. 

“Earlier?” 

“When you said we should take one thing at the time today,” Erwin said. “I'm sorry.” Levi furrowed his brows. 

“Tch. That's why you've been pouting all this time?” Levi asked, shaking his head. “It didn't bother me, Erwin. I'm slower than you.” 

“I know I'm moving rather fast.” 

“So?” Levi asked, a bit of snap in his tone. “There's no sense in dragging our feet.” Levi frowned at Erwin in the mirror. “You aren't moving fast, Erwin. You're moving at your typical pace. I've always needed a little time to catch up to you.” Erwin maintained eye contact with Levi in the mirror and slowly nodded, a gentle smile running over his face. He wanted to breathe a sigh of relief. Levi grinned back at him. “There's that smile,” he muttered. Levi leaned down and pressed a kiss to Erwin's cheek. While he leaned over, Levi unclipped the towel around Erwin's shoulders. Carefully, he took it off of Erwin and folded it, catching the hairs that had landed in it. He leaned down and laid it carefully on the floor. “Hop up and get in the shower,” Levi said, tapping Erwin's shoulder. 

Erwin stood from the chair and took a peek in the mirror. He raised a hand to touch his hair. 

“Not yet,” Levi said. Erwin's hand froze midair. “After the shower.” Erwin nodded. He moved over to the shower and opened the glass door, pulling his underwear down and dropping them to the floor. Erwin stepped into the shower, closed the door, and turned on the faucet. The first thing Erwin did was wash out his nose, in case any pepper was still lingering. 

While Erwin was in the shower, Levi made quick work of cutting his own hair while he stood. He started with his clippers, cutting only by what he could see in the mirror and feeling of his hair. Taking the scissors to his hair took longer, but not as long as Erwin's. He was more willing to correct a mistake with his own hair. During the haircut, Levi thought back to how long his hair was when he first met Erwin. He didn't miss the length. While he was still using heroin, he liked having his hair longer because he could cut it less often. The undercut was just to keep him cool during the hottest parts of summer. He walked more back then, unable to afford a car. He washed his hair less often too. Levi liked to get high before he took a bath, and most of the time he would be too high to wash his hair or even bathe properly. Of course, later he realized how easily he could have drowned in the tub, but that never happened. Levi stopped cutting his hair for a moment to compose himself. 

The shower faucet turned off before Levi was finished cutting his hair. Levi started clipping at the edges of his hair again. Erwin opened the shower door, reaching out to grab his towel. 

“Do you remember how long my hair was?” Levi asked, out of curiosity. 

“Yes,” Erwin said before he began patting at his face. 

“Did you like it?” Levi stopped trimming and looked at Erwin. When Erwin moved the towel from his face, he smiled at Levi. 

“If I said yes, would you grow it out again?” Erwin asked. 

“No,” Levi grunted before he went back to trimming his hair. 

“Why did you ask?” 

“I was thinking about how long it was,” Levi said. “How much it sucked.” Erwin nodded before he ran the towel through his hair, drying it roughly. When his hair was dry, Erwin began drying the rest of his body. 

“I have no preference for your hairstyle,” Erwin said. “I'm partial to your current style because you look so familiar, but I'm willing to admit that you looked quite exotic with long hair.” 

“Exotic huh?” Levi asked, a smile obviously in his voice. “That's funny because I remember your hair being so long that you looked like a kid.” 

“You mean I looked younger?” Erwin asked. 

“Kind of,” Levi said. He finished the last bit of clipping and put the scissors down. Levi picked up his comb and ran it through his hair. “I think that's what I mean.” 

“I feel older than I am,” Erwin admitted, standing erect and hanging his towel on the drying rack. 

“Me too,” Levi said. Turning his head a few times, Levi inspected his hair. 

“It looks good,” Erwin said. Levi nodded and turned away from the mirror. He walked over to the shower. Erwin moved out of the way, kicking his gray underwear across the floor so Levi wouldn't have to step over them. Levi pulled his own underwear down and tossed it over on top of Erwin's. He stepped into the shower and closed the door. 

“Don't track through the hair on your way out,” Levi said. 

“I won't,” Erwin said. He walked over to the two pairs of underwear on the floor and picked them up with one hand. _“I should put them directly into the washer,”_ Erwin thought. On his way out of the bathroom, Erwin looked in the mirror again and finally ran his hand through his hair. As always, Levi had done a fantastic job. “My hair looks great, Levi!” 

“Good,” Levi said. “Go take a look in the closet.” Erwin furrowed his brows and fussed with his hair once more before he left the bathroom, careful to make sure that he wasn't stepping in hair. He walked over to his bedroom closet and opened the door. The light was still on from Levi undressing in it earlier. Levi's side of the closet was about half full. There were a couple of pairs of boots that Erwin had never seen before. 

_“That must be everything he owns,”_ Erwin thought. _“He moved in. He answered my question before I could even properly ask it.”_ Warmth spread through Erwin's chest. The guilt of what he had done earlier settled on top of it, but he pushed that aside to revel in the pleasant feelings for a while longer. If it ever became necessary, he could admit to Levi what he had done. He swallowed heavily and took a step back, looking at the closet as an entire picture. _“I want this.”_ He smiled widely. _“I want this always.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepare yourselves for incoming Christmas chapters! Because Erwin wants Levi to have a perfect birthday vacation. I actually really like the Christmas chapters a lot. I don't write chronologically. I write whatever chapter demands my attention at the time, and I fill in any blank spots that I've missed before I post. So, I've had Christmas chapters on my back burner basically since I began this fiction. But now I get to edit them and make them better! Finally! This took for-fucking-ever. 
> 
> I know I say it a lot, maybe even too much, but thank you for your support. I enjoy talking to all of you, and I'm so happy that you have decided to take this journey with me. I know it's not fun sometimes. But I hope it can at least be satisfying. 
> 
> When this story is over, I'm planning on making some personal comments about it on  Tumblr . But that's going to be several months from now. I just wanted to give you a heads up in case you're interested.
> 
> This chapter became more realistic than anticipated. Therefore disclaimer that you find in novels: Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. You know the rest.


	22. December 21, 2014

The Sunday before Christmas, Erwin didn't set his alarm. Even though they were planning to leave town for their Christmas vacation, Erwin insisted that they didn't have to rush. Levi opened his eyes in the dim room. Some sunshine was forcing its way around the edges of the blackout curtains. He wondered how early it was. It surprised Levi when he rolled over in bed and saw that Erwin was still sleeping, laying on his left side. Levi wiggled through the bed and pressed his body to Erwin's. He bent his knees and settled them under Erwin's thighs, spooning him, wrapping an arm around Erwin's torso. Levi planted a few firm kisses against Erwin's backbone.

Although Levi didn't like surprises, he had been genuinely curious about Erwin's plans. And Erwin had refused to give him any hints at all. A couple of times, Levi thought Erwin might burst with excitement when he tried to tease information out of him. That only piqued Levi's curiosity more. He wanted to know where they were going, what they would be doing, but anytime that it seemed Erwin might legitimately tell him, Levi backed out. Teasing Erwin was half the fun.

Levi's hand wandered over Erwin's stomach, feeling of the defined muscles. He pressed his knees against Erwin's thighs tighter.

“Erwin,” Levi said. His hand wandered lower on Erwin's stomach, and he accidentally grazed against Erwin's morning erection. That simple graze caused Erwin to flinch, and Levi raised his hand back up Erwin's stomach. He didn't want to instigate any morning fucking and possibly delay their departure. Erwin inhaled deeply, like a gentle yawn and sighed. “Wake up,” Levi quietly prodded. Erwin only grunted in response, and Levi yawned. He exhaled heavily against Erwin's back, pressing his forehead to Erwin's skin.

“You're awake so early,” Erwin whispered, voice still hoarse from sleep. Careful not to go too low, Levi ran his hand against Erwin's stomach. When he found Erwin's navel, he put the tip of his index finger in it and wiggled. Erwin's back vibrated with gentle laughter. “Quit,” he grunted, pushing Levi's hand away from his navel. Levi pressed some more kisses against Erwin's back, not necessarily apologizing, but he knew that he was being annoying. He went back to simply appreciating Erwin's skin with his hand. “Are you excited?”

“Yeah.”

“Can we sleep a while longer?”

“No,” Levi whispered. Erwin sighed, but he didn't sound irritated.

“Let's lay here just a little longer,” Erwin said. Levi smiled to himself. He liked waking up before Erwin. Even after reducing his methadone, he was rarely able to wake up first. But even with the small reduction, Levi could feel that he was more alert in the mornings.

“Alright,” Levi agreed. “But if you fall asleep I'm going to finger fuck your belly button again.”

“Please don't,” Erwin muttered. Levi could hear the smile in his voice though. Levi closed his eyes, deciding that he should probably have some more rest too. But he was already awake. Levi remembered that he hadn’t been excited about his birthday in a very long time, not for the right reasons anyway. While he was using, Levi would use the excuse of his birthday to splurge on how much dope he bought, but he hadn’t shared Christmas with someone he cared about in years, more years than he wanted to count. And Erwin was going to change that for him. 

After only a few more minutes of cuddling, he pulled away from Erwin and rolled in bed over to his side. He opened his methadone bottle and took one of the pills, swallowing with a drink of water. When he put the bottle down, Levi looked at all of the bottles on his nightstand. He decided that, if he was quiet, he could go ahead and start packing. He could at least put everything in one place so it would be easier to pack up later. Also, he still needed to go to his apartment to pick up Erwin's present. He didn't want to risk bringing the present into Erwin's house where it would be unsupervised. Then, he decided that he should buy cigarettes while he was out. They could only stay away for a week, but he didn't know if they were going to a remote area. Maybe the stores wouldn't have his brand. He felt really unprepared. The excitement of not knowing what Erwin was planning was fun, but it also made him anxious. He didn't know what to pack. Levi frowned, thinking about what Erwin might have in store for them.

Standing from the bed, Levi collected all of his bottles from the nightstand and walked around the bed. He went to Erwin's nightstand and picked up the single bottle of antidepressants. This year, Erwin didn't allow himself to start feeling the depression before he asked the doctor for a prescription. Apparently, he wanted to avoid a repeat of the year before. Levi didn’t mind the preemptive measure at all. He was glad that Erwin decided to go ahead and do it.

“What are you doing?” Erwin asked quietly. Levi looked down at Erwin. In the shadows of the room, he could barely see Erwin's blue eyes.

“Starting to pack,” Levi said. When Erwin chuckled, Levi rolled his eyes and walked over to the bathroom. With all of the bottles in his hand, Levi walked to the bathroom and closed the door gently behind him before he turned on the light.

Levi put all of the pill bottles on the bathroom counter and began pulling out all of the toiletries he thought they would need. He put all of their bathroom items close to each other, hoping that they wouldn't forget anything. The anxiety and excitement were annoying, and Levi decided that a shower would probably help. But then he realized that he had to piss. Levi shook his head trying to clear it of everything. All of the curiosity and scenarios that he was exploring in his head were distracting him. 

After using the toilet and showering, Levi felt like his mind was slowing down. While he was drying off, he decided that if he didn't know what to pack yet, and if Erwin was going to insist on being lazy, he could just go buy his cigarettes and get Erwin's present from his apartment. Fully dried, Levi hung up his towel on the rack and went to the bathroom door. He turned off the light and opened the door. But it didn't matter because the overhead light was already illuminating the bedroom. Erwin wasn't in bed anymore.

When Levi stepped out of the bathroom, he looked over to the closet. The door was open and the light was on.

“Finally decided to get up?” Levi asked. Erwin leaned out of the closet and looked at Levi.

“At the risk of having my navel assaulted again, I decided it was in my best interest,” Erwin said with a big grin. Levi walked over to the closet and looked into the little room. Erwin already had his leather suitcase open on the floor of the closet, and there were stacks of underwear and socks in the black bag. Levi's duffle bag was open, and there were stacks of his own underwear and socks resting in the bottom of it. After pulling on underwear, a pair of dark blue jeans, and a long sleeved black shirt, Levi knelt down in front of his own bag.

"What do I pack?" Levi asked. He lifted his head and looked back at Erwin. Erwin seemed to be thinking. 

"You should pack as if," Erwin thought harder. "Actually, just pack layers of clothing. Pack for anything." 

"So, take my whole half of the closet with me?" Levi asked, a bit irritated that Erwin was being so vague. 

"That's not necessary," Erwin said. "Short sleeved shirts, long sleeved shirts, jeans, and I suppose you could pack one pair of nice trousers. But we may not use them." 

"I want to remind you that I really don't like surprises," Levi said. 

"It's okay, Levi," Erwin assured him with a smile. "If you don't have something you need, we will be able to purchase it for you. I can say that I'm not taking you into the middle of nowhere." Levi looked up at Erwin's bright eyes and smile. He couldn't deny that he felt an extreme affection spread in his chest before he turned back around to began properly packing. Erwin finished before him, zipping up the big, black leather suitcase.

“I need to go get some cigarettes and your present from my apartment,” Levi said. He felt a kiss on the top of his head.

“Alright,” Erwin said. “What do you want to do for breakfast?”

“Scrambled eggs?” Levi asked. “Something quick and easy.”

“That sounds good,” Erwin said. “I need a shower.”

“You shower. I'll cook,” Levi offered. Erwin's arms wrapped around his middle, and Erwin dipped his head, pressing kisses into the crook of Levi's neck and shoulder.

“Good morning, darling,” Erwin muttered against his skin. Levi felt an involuntary flush over his cheeks.

“Morning,” he whispered.

“I'm excited too,” Erwin admitted.

“If that boner you had this morning is any indication, I can tell,” Levi said. Erwin chuckled quietly against his skin. Levi expected him to pursue that subject further. Instead, Erwin's arms pulled away from him, and Erwin left the closet with an empty black toiletry bag in hand. Levi continued to pack until he felt like he was prepared for multiple weather conditions for a week.

Leaving the bedroom, Levi walked down the hallway and into the kitchen. After he looked into the refrigerator for eggs, he saw a pack of bacon and decided that he wanted bacon too. And Erwin liked longer showers. If he only cooked eggs, they might be cold by the time Erwin was finished showering and dressing. He started coffee too. Levi took his time cooking, trying not to let his mind wander. But his head was swimming with possibilities. When the bacon was cooked, he washed out the pan and began working on the scrambled eggs.

“Bacon too?” Erwin asked. Levi lifted his head from looking down at the pan. Erwin had Levi's NA daily meditation book in his hand. He put it on the island bar before he walked over to Levi.

“Eggs won't keep us full for long,” Levi said. Erwin looked down into the pan at the eggs. He pressed a quick kiss to Levi's hair before moving over to the coffee pot.

“Would you like some coffee?” Erwin asked.

“Yeah.”

“Do you want sugar or cream?”

“I want it blond and sweet,” Levi said. Levi side eyed Erwin, but one corner of his mouth was turned up in a smirk. Erwin blushed before he started pouring coffee into mugs. He drank his coffee black, but he gave Levi's coffee a generous amount of sugar and a lot of cream. With both mugs, Erwin left the counter and went over to the island bar. 

A few minutes later, Levi began scooping eggs onto their plates with a spatula, purposely giving Erwin extra. Levi picked up both plates and served them to the island bar before he walked around it and sat on his stool. Before he picked up his fork, Levi opened his book and randomly picked a passage. He had read the book so many times that he no longer followed the book from start to finish. Most of the time, he just opened it and flipped a few pages until he felt like he had tried his best to find a meditation that he hadn't read for a while. There were dates on the pages, but they were from over two years ago. Even if he could still follow the dates, he chose not to. The book's spine was broken, and it laid open easily. He didn't hear Erwin's fork on his plate. Levi looked over at Erwin, who was looking at him with a gentle smile. Levi furrowed his eyebrows and slid the book closer to Erwin, positioning it between them so they could both read. Once they could both see the book, Erwin picked up his fork, and Levi followed. They ate while they read silently.

During the week, they didn't read together in the morning. Erwin woke up much earlier than Levi so he could get ready for school. But on the weekends, since they had been living together, sometimes Erwin would ask to be read to in the morning. Or they would read silently while they ate breakfast. That morning, the meditation focused on surviving emotions. During addiction, all emotions were repressed or purposely suppressed in favor of getting high. But if an addict was using drugs to repress negative emotions, that didn't solve the problems that the addict had. Any time an addict surfaced from the high, all of the negative or positive emotions that were present before using were still there. All of the problems that the addict had were still present. Drugs didn't solve anything. Getting high just covered everything up.

 _“That's the fucking point,”_ Levi thought. He cleared his throat, embarrassed by what he heard in his own head. He hadn't meant to think that. Levi kept reading, trying to absorb the message. As he continued to read, he realized that the meditation was explaining that when drugs were no longer an option, the NA program was supposed to assist a person in surviving their emotions. But Levi didn't understand that. He didn't understand how the program was supposed to help him deal with everything from this life and previous one. Most importantly, he didn't understand why the passage was using the word “surviving” as if emotions could be deadly. He knew that stress could kill a person over a long period of time, but he didn't consider negative emotions a direct and immediate threat. And most of the time he was willing to try and move past them if possible. Levi frowned while he was thinking. He drank some of his coffee, wondering if he was still too tired to process the heavy information.

Erwin and Levi finished reading about the same time, but Levi read it again while Erwin began to focus completely on eating. Levi normally read the meditations a couple of times, trying to squeeze all of the information out of them. Sometimes they were boring, and he had stopped focusing halfway through. Other times, the passages were about God, and Levi had to read it again because he would get distracted by wondering what kind of God would give them another life. What deity had chosen to do that for them? Before he met Erwin, he didn't believe in God. After Erwin, Levi wasn't sure anymore. He couldn't imagine that reincarnation happened randomly without some sort of divine intervention. 

Because of his confusion about God, he had struggled with the Second Step so much that his Twelve Step process was thoroughly stunted. The First Step, admitting powerlessness over addiction, was easy. It was obvious. His life had become completely unmanageable. During some of the lowest points of his life, he had no idea who he was associated with or what they had done together. He only chased relationships that would provide him with heroin, and that's all that mattered. The few things that Levi could remember during some of the haze of drugged memories were unpleasant, even violent. Admitting that he had made an excellent attempt to ruin his own life, and might possibly ruin Erwin's in the process, was necessary. He wanted to be better. For the first time in three years of his addiction, he wanted to be awake and alive for what would happen next. He wanted to fight against the only force in his life that had comforted him most before he found Erwin again. There wasn't a chance in hell that he was going to be the Captain that failed when Erwin needed him. 

But Step Two, choosing a higher power to rely on, had thoroughly stumped Levi when he first attempted to take it. Derrick had to explain multiple times that the “higher power” in the Second Step didn't have to be God. There were plenty of atheists that were addicts too. Addiction was no respecter of persons; it was one of the few human ailments that destroyed lives without discrimination. Derrick explained that Levi could choose a secular higher power. The higher power could be the NA program itself. The higher power of Step Two only had to be a power that Levi believed would restore him to sanity. And when Derrick said that, Levi could only think of the second most important sentence he had said to Erwin while they were fighting and comforting each other in that parking garage stairwell two years ago: _“I feel sane when I'm with you.”_

Levi lifted his eyes from the book and looked at Erwin. Erwin had finished eating and was reading Reddit on his phone. Levi turned his eyes back down to the book. He decided he would try to read the meditation again during the drive or at bedtime. Maybe then it would make more sense. 

Levi finished his meal while he continued to think back to the parking garage stairwell. That had been rock bottom for him. He had heard a lot of people describe the rock bottom of addiction as the loss of a loved one, extensive prison time, or a life threatening overdose. But finding Erwin again, and not being able to stand strong for him, had been Levi's rock bottom moment. Feeling both of Erwin's hands, hearing his voice, seeing those eyes again had shown Levi exactly how he had ruined everything. Because looking at Erwin was all he ever wanted for his entire life without even knowing it. And if he had never put a needle in his arm, then he could have had Erwin entirely, like he had never been able to during the Titan War. Rock bottom was realizing that he had come very close to ending his life before it had even begun.

When Levi put his fork down and wiped his mouth with a napkin, Erwin's voice disturbed him from his thoughts. 

“Would you like a new meditation book?” Erwin asked. Levi looked up at him. “This one seems to be well loved.” Erwin didn't touch the book, but he did inspect it with his eyes. The pages were worn, some of them with small tears on the edges, and the spine of book was so broken that it laid open flat on the counter. Levi looked at his book, closing it and looking at the cover.

“My sponsor gave me this book after my second NA meeting,” Levi explained. “And I've read it every day since, but I still don't understand a lot of what's in it.” Erwin nodded, continuing to look at the book. “I probably shouldn't get another one until I feel like I can't use this one anymore.”

“Some of the meditations written here are very thought provoking,” Erwin said. “I've noticed that I've struggled with a few of them myself.” 

“How?” Levi looked up from the book to see Erwin nod. 

“Specifically, I've struggled with the meditations that are more theoretical,” Erwin admitted. 

“What do you mean?” Levi asked. 

“The one we read this morning is a good example,” Erwin said.“I think that surviving is a poor choice of words to use with emotions.” Levi looked down at the cover of the book and thought about its contents. “In the same way that it shouldn't be said that someone has won a battle over cancer. That makes every person who has died from it sound like a loser. Those who survive the illness can have their blessings acknowledged and praised without implying anything about others who weren't so fortunate. When you talk about surviving emotions, what does that mean when they overwhelm you? Of course, the passage is supposed to be encouraging. It's meant to try and boost your morale by using fighting terms, but what if you read this passage on a day that you don't feel like surviving anymore? Convincing yourself that everything has to be a fight can make you very tired.” 

“I hadn't thought of it that way,” Levi admitted. Erwin smiled at him when he looked up from the book again. 

“I've struggled with some of these for a while until I began converting them to fit my needs,” Erwin said. 

“Yeah?” 

“Surviving emotions isn't applicable to us,” Erwin said. “We've fought one war, died, came back to life and voluntarily fought in another war. All of that makes even the most frightening emotions look like a pale threat in comparison.” 

“I was thinking that too,” Levi said. “In our first life, I had some pretty shitty feelings, but they were secondary to a mission.” Levi thought about the one and only time he hadn't been able to push his personal feelings aside. And part of him felt like he was lying to Erwin for making it sound like he had always chosen the mission over his personal feelings. It wasn't true, but he wasn't willing to tell Erwin that ever. 

“I felt that way up until the end,” Erwin said. Levi tensed. “And you helped me remember what I was fighting for.” Levi stood from his stool and leaned over, pressing his lips to Erwin's mouth roughly. He held the kiss, even moving his tongue out of his mouth to run it over Erwin's bottom lip. Levi didn't pull back until he thought he might have thoroughly distracted Erwin. 

“Did you pack up everything in the bathroom?” Levi asked.

“Yes, darling,” Erwin said with a warm smile.

“I need to get going if we're going to get out of here at a reasonable time,” Levi said. Erwin turned his phone screen off and set the phone down. He smiled up at Levi. It was much easier to tell him goodbye when he knew that Levi would come home again.

“Be careful,” Erwin said. Levi leaned over and kissed Erwin again quickly before leaving the kitchen to go to the foyer. He sat down on the bench of the hall tree that he had bought and put on his black combat boots. Once he was laced into his boots, Levi stood, grabbing his car keys from the hook and opened the front door. He sighed heavily when he patted his back pockets. 

"Shit," Levi breathed. He had been so anxious to get out of the house he forgot his wallet, phone and cigarettes. Closing the door, Levi sat down on the bench again, pulling at the laces of his boots. He tossed them haphazardly in his frustration. When he walked back through the foyer and almost turned to go the bedroom for his wallet and cigarettes, Erwin met him at the corner of the hallway. He had Levi's phone, wallet, and cigarette pack in his hands. Levi grinned up at him. Erwin leaned down, puckering his lips. Levi gave him another kiss before he took his things and hurried to put his boots back on and get out of the house.

******

When Levi drove up to Erwin's house again, he saw Erwin had parked his black SUV on the street with the garage door open. Levi drove up the driveway and pulled into the garage. He turned the car off and opened his door. Erwin opened the door that led into the mudroom and smiled. 

“Welcome back,” he said. “Do you need help getting your things to the car?”

“No. It's just one box,” Levi said. Erwin walked down the steps, and Levi shut the car door. When he turned to walk back towards the trunk, Erwin caught his arm. Levi turned and looked up at him, eyebrows furrowed. Erwin leaned down and pressed his lips to Levi's. They closed their eyes, and enjoyed the moment. Levi put his tongue out and licked Erwin's bottom lip, and Erwin broke the kiss suddenly.

“I'm excited,” Erwin breathed, smiling. Levi narrowed his eyes.

“You've said that already.”

“I know,” Erwin said, standing up straight again, taking his hand away from Levi's arm. Erwin walked past him and to the trunk of Levi's car. It was an ugly car. The paint was chipped and the body was a bit rusty, but Levi insisted that it functioned well. Of course, Erwin worried about the vehicle breaking down and leaving Levi stranded anyway. A few times, Erwin had been tempted to offer to help Levi buy a better used car, but he knew that Levi would object. 

Levi met Erwin at the trunk, and he unlocked it. When he lifted the lid of the trunk, the hinges squeaked loudly. In the trunk was a bag that contained seven packs of Levi's cigarettes and a large box which was wrapped in dark green paper, tied with a big red bow. Erwin's eyes lit up. There weren't many opportunities for gift giving in their first life, but any time that Levi was inclined to give a gift, it had always been wonderful. Levi picked up the present and bag and turned to carry it over to Erwin's car.

“Close the trunk for me,” Levi said. Erwin closed the trunk, but he didn't expect it to slam on his own. Erwin winced at the loud noise, but Levi didn't respond. He walked with the big present over to Erwin's car and waited for Erwin to open the back hatch of the vehicle. Erwin followed Levi, moving over to his own vehicle and opened the hatch.

Levi leaned into the vehicle with the present and put it on top of his duffle bag so it wouldn't get crushed, in any way, by their luggage. He put the bag of cigarettes next to the present. They both stood upright, and Levi moved out of the way so Erwin could close the hatch. Once the hatch was shut, Erwin smiled down at Levi again.

“Do you need anything else from inside?” he asked. Levi shook his head. “Let me go lock up.” Levi leaned against the back of the car and pulled out his cigarette pack. Erwin turned then and went to lock up the house and check again to make sure he had turned off the lights. Levi pulled a cigarette out of his pack and lit it. He popped the menthol capsule in the filter and inhaled again.

He watched the garage door close first. Then, a few minutes later, Erwin came out of the front door and locked it. Erwin turned and began walking back to the vehicle.

“Alright,” Erwin said when he was closer to Levi. “Let's go. You can smoke in the car. I bought one of those cup holder ashtrays for you.” Levi turned away from the back of the vehicle and walked to the passenger door. He waited to close his car door until he could roll the window down, so there wouldn't be any cigarette smoke trapped in the car with them.

When they both buckled their seat belts, Erwin started the engine, put the vehicle into gear, and pulled away from the curb. Levi could feel the excitement building in his chest even though they were just leaving Erwin's house. He wanted to know where they were going. He wanted to know what Erwin had planned for them. They stopped at a stop sign in Erwin's neighborhood, and Levi decided to finally ask. 

“Can I know where we're going now?” Levi asked, dragging on his cigarette. He eyed Erwin suspiciously, tapping his cigarette to ash it out of the car window. 

“You can't wait anymore?” Erwin asked with a smile. He took his right hand off the steering wheel and rested it on Levi's thigh. Levi put his left hand on top of Erwin's and wrapped his finger tips under it. He thought about Erwin's question. The idea of wondering where they would be going for the entire trip was tempting. No one had ever done anything like this for him before. But along with that excitement came the deep bred anxiety that Levi felt to have a plan for everything. Even if he trusted Erwin, it simply went against his instincts to be blindly led. 

“I can,” he said. Erwin turned to drive out of the subdivision, and he considered telling Levi. He waited to see if Levi would add anything else, but Levi was quiet. Erwin felt like Levi had waited long enough. 

“We're going to Alabama,” Erwin said, with a wide smile. Levi furrowed his brows and looked at Erwin again. Erwin had a huge smile on his face. While Levi didn't expect that they would be taking a plane anywhere, he hadn't expected that they would go to Alabama.

“Alabama?”

“Yes,” Erwin said, vibrating with excitement. “We're going to the Gulf Coast. To the beach, Levi.” Levi stared at Erwin for a while, his hand with the cigarette between his fingers hanging limply outside of the car window. “Have you ever been to the beach, Levi?”

“I spent some time at the Great Lakes as a kid,” Levi said. Erwin's smile grew even wider, and when he looked at Levi, his eyes were practically glowing. “But I never went to the ocean-”

“I was hoping that was the case!” Erwin said loudly, vibrating with excitement. Levi laughed at Erwin's behavior. He shook his head and took a drag on his cigarette, with the corners of his mouth still turned up.

“How long will it take to get there?” Levi asked, blowing smoke from between his lips.

“Not long,” Erwin said. “Six or seven hours depending on traffic. We can stop somewhere nice for lunch. The food down there is delicious.”

“Yeah?”

“Grandmothers that far south use butter for hand lotion,” Erwin said. Levi laughed and tightened his grip on Erwin's hand.

“You're fucking ridiculous,” Levi said. “It's kind of cold for the beach isn't it?”

“The weather report says that it won't be freezing. It will rain some though,” Erwin explained. “Some days we might even be able to get into the water.”

“We'll see,” Levi said with a smile.

“Turn on the radio for me please, darling,” Erwin said. Levi brought his cigarette up and held it with his lips while he used his right hand to turn on the radio. He turned it up for Erwin, and then took his cigarette out of his mouth again after an inhale. They were silent then, both of them too excited to maintain conversation. A few times, Levi caught Erwin happily bobbing his head to the pop music on the radio. He tried to think of a way to tease Erwin about it without sounding critical, but he couldn't. 

Several hours later, they stopped at a restaurant, called Lambert's, that served Southern food and threw rolls at customers instead of serving them on the table like normal restaurants. Levi disliked the roll throwing. Because not everyone could catch a hot roll thrown through the air, and the bread just dropped to the floor. But Erwin loved it. When a hot roll began flying through the air at Erwin's head, Levi reached out and caught it before it could touch a single blond hair on that perfect head, and his quick response and soft cursing only made Erwin bellow out in laughter. Levi could only butter the bread and bite into it with irritation. He hoped that Erwin would let him pick the restaurants for the rest of the week. 

Erwin thoroughly gorged himself on fried foods, but Levi didn't eat much. He didn't find much difference between the food in Atlanta and food in Southern Alabama. There wasn't any difference. But Erwin seemed to be nervously eating. And in his own excitement Levi didn't have much of an appetite. He did like the chicken tenders though.

After lunch, they began driving again, and Levi realized that Erwin was speeding. The speed limit on the Interstate was 70 miles an hour, but Erwin was steadily driving at 85 miles an hour. He even dramatically sighed a few times when anyone in the left lane slowed him down. Levi furrowed his eyebrows, a bit irritated with Erwin's reckless driving. But he decided not to say anything. He was already tired of riding in the car, and he knew that he could start a pretty rough argument if he complained about it. Levi slumped in his seat a bit, lit another cigarette and listened to the radio. He thought back to his meditation, and wondered if Erwin packed the book for him. Rather than asking for it, he simply thought about what he had read. If someone as self-aware and intelligent as Erwin had trouble understanding some of the meditations, Levi wondered if he ever had a chance to actually understand them himself. 

The time passed quickly. He looked at the surroundings, but he had never been that far south. Even the names of the cities and towns were foreign to him. He liked looking at the signs on the Interstate until they finally took their exit. Then, he had no idea where they were going. A few times, he saw a sign with the name of a town on it, but he was completely unfamiliar with the area.

After another hour or so of driving, Levi wasn't paying attention to their surroundings anymore. But Erwin seemed to know exactly where they were, and Levi wondered if he would be able to tell how close they were to their destination by how excited Erwin became. 

“Roll down your window and smell the air, Levi,” Erwin said. Levi frowned at him.

“What?”

“You'll see,” Erwin said. Levi rolled down his window until it was an inch from the top. They were obviously closer to where they were going because there were more towns clustered together and more stop lights. Erwin seemed to relax more once they were off of the Interstate for a while. Levi inhaled the air coming in from the window.

“What am I smelling for?”

“It's a salty, sweet kind of smell,” Erwin said. Levi inhaled again.

“Not bad,” Levi said.

“That's the ocean air,” Erwin said with a smile. Levi pulled a cigarette out and lit it. Between dragging, he would inhale the fresh air. The air was cold on his face, but he didn't want to roll his window up.

When he began to see more stores and cars and people, Levi started to look around more, curious about where they would be staying. The town that they were driving through had one main street with lots of restaurants and retail stores along the sides of it. Levi knew that they were close because the beach theme began decorating every single building that he saw. There was even a store with a huge shark on the front of it. The entrance to the store was in the shark's mouth.

“This is Gulf Shores,” Erwin said. “It's a pretty place. Lots of good seafood places. Nice condos. Souvenir shops and such.” Levi rubbed at his flat stomach. He wasn't hungry, but he was tired of being in the car. He hoped that Erwin wouldn’t pick anymore “exciting” restaurants . 

“Where are we staying?”

“In Fort Morgan. That's about twenty minutes away from here to the west,” Erwin said. “I rented a beach house for a week. We'll be leaving on the 28th. Fort Morgan is quieter than Gulf Shores, but still within a close enough distance that it's not completely isolated.” Levi nodded. He dragged on the cigarette again and exhaled. “First, we have to stop by the rental agency and pick up the house keys. We'll drop our things off and take a look at the water. Then, we'll go into town for dinner, and we'll buy some groceries. And I thought for Christmas dinner, we would buy some fresh seafood. Does that sound alright?”

“Yeah,” Levi said. Erwin turned right at a stop light, and Levi continued to look around. The road they were on then had less stores and restaurants. Instead the road had trees on either side of it for long stretches. Some of them were naked, due to winter, but quite a few of them still had green on their branches. “Let's get one of those tiny Christmas trees for the house,” Levi suggested. Erwin smiled and nodded.

“I like that idea.”

After about ten more minutes of driving, Levi saw some of the beach houses. They were isolated, only popping up every few miles. The houses were all painted very bright colors, and all of them were on very tall stilts.

“They're on stilts in case of floods?” Levi asked.

“Yes,” Erwin confirmed. “And hurricane season too.” Levi continued to turn his head left and right, trying to see everything. Eventually, he finished his cigarette and put the butt in the ashtray Erwin had bought for him. Levi rolled up the window again.

After ten more minutes of driving, the trees cleared out, and Levi saw row upon row of houses facing the ocean. He leaned up in his seat trying to see past them to the water, but he couldn't. The anticipation to see the ocean, not only in pictures, but right before his eyes was tempting. But he couldn't even see the water through the stilts of the houses. He sat down in his seat properly.

“You could stand on your seat and put your head out of the sun roof,” Erwin suggested. 

“I’m not doing that,” Levi grumbled. “Like some drunk kid on prom night.”

“You’re not excited at all?” Erwin asked with a knowing smile. Levi side eyed Erwin. He knew that Erwin could feel how excited he was, but he didn’t know how to express it. Over time, Levi had developed the habit of trying to hide extreme emotions, with anger being the only exception. But any time that he felt legitimately happy he had trouble allowing himself to show it.

“I’m excited,” Levi said softly. He unbuckled his seatbelt, and Erwin took his hand away from Levi's thigh to reach up and push the button to open the roof window. It slowly started receding, and when it was all the way back, Levi stood up on his car seat and put his head outside through the roof.

The air was harsh and cold. The wind pushed his hair in front of his eyes. He reached up and pulled his hair out of his face. When he could see again, he saw the great water beyond the houses. It was different shades of blue and gray because there were gray clouds in the sky. Even if he couldn't see the shore, he saw in the distance waves beginning to roll and surge towards land. He had seen the ocean in pictures, but none of them compared to really seeing it. And the ocean was nothing like the Great Lakes. The salty air, the sounds, and being able to see the sand all around the houses made it real for him.

Levi leaned back down into the car and sat down in his seat, and he could feel the smile on his face, threatening to turn into laughter. He buckled his seatbelt again, and Erwin closed the sunroof.

“How was it?” Erwin asked. There wasn’t an immediate answer, and Erwin took his eyes off the road to look over at Levi. Levi was staring up at him. Past the typical look of disinterest, Erwin saw a glint in his gray eyes.

“If I would have seen that in our first life, I would have shit myself,” Levi said. Erwin laughed and put his hand on Levi's thigh again.

“Me too, darling,” Erwin assured him. Levi put his hand on top of Erwin's and relaxed in his seat. He was even more excited then, and he wished he knew how to show Erwin. “Were you the drunk kid on prom night?” Levi can't help but laugh, coughing behind it. 

“No,” Levi shook his head, the smile still plastered on his face. “Were you?” 

“Oh, no,” Erwin said. “I drove my own car and refused to drink.” 

“Who did you take to prom?” 

“For junior year, I escorted a young lady named Theresa,” Erwin paused, squinting his eyes at the road. “She was a senior, and I don't think she went to prom during her junior year. I was planning to ask a young woman named Jessica, but Theresa asked me first. Theresa was very quiet, and if she had any friends, I never saw any of them with her.” 

“Social outcast?” 

“Yes, I believe so,” Erwin said, squeezing Levi's hand. “We were all in the cafeteria when she asked me, and honestly she was so pale and her knees were shaking so violently that I thought she might faint. So, I said that I would take her to prom and asked her to sit with me for the rest of lunch.” 

“Did you ever watch the movie Carrie?” Levi asked. Erwin laughed and nodded. 

“If that's the way you want to think of this girl, I suppose that's fair,” Erwin said. “But she was very kind, and I don't think she would have killed all of her classmates. That night I found out that she was very interested in psychology and studied it independently. She wanted to be a psychiatrist, and I enjoyed talking to her.” 

“What about the good night kiss?” Levi asked. He liked the way Erwin told stories. 

“When I took her home, I asked if she would like a kiss, and she politely declined,” Erwin explained. 

“Really?” Levi asked, furrowing his brows and looking at Erwin. Erwin nodded with a gentle smile on his face. 

“If I had been interested in dating then, I might have pursued her,” Erwin said. “Parts of her were very mysterious.” 

“How about senior prom then?” 

“Well,” Erwin smiled widely. “Because of the events from junior prom, I suppose the young ladies had decided that if they wanted me to escort them to prom, they would have to ask before someone else did. This young lady named Dawn asked me to escort her to the senior prom in January. There were several loud arguments between multiple girls in the hallways that day. I specifically remember a couple of girls calling Dawn a cheater.” 

“Damn,” Levi commented. 

“Yes,” Erwin smiled. “Of course, I agreed to take her though. On prom night, it seemed that she wanted to pursue a relationship with me, but I had already signed up to join the Army after I graduated. When she asked if we could start dating seriously during the summer, I explained that I wouldn't be around after high school. She didn't seem too heartbroken, and she let me kiss her goodnight anyway.” 

“Smart thinking on your part,” Levi said. “Not everyone can handle military relationships.” 

“Did you go to prom?” 

“No,” Levi smiled widely. “For both prom nights, I went to this guys house, and we huffed poppers and fucked the whole night.” Erwin burst into childish giggles, and Levi raised his eyebrows at him. “What the fuck is so funny?” Erwin took a few more moments to compose himself. 

“I actually went to prom, and you still had more sex than me,” Erwin said through his laughter. Levi laughed at that. They giggled back and forth at the irony of it until Levi noticed that Erwin started to slow down the vehicle. Levi lifted Erwin's hand from his thigh and kissed Erwin's knuckles before putting the hand back down on his leg.

“You dressed up, had a car, and actually danced with those girls. All of that work for nothing,” Levi mumbled. He chuckled again at the idea, and he noticed that his face was hurting from smiling so much. 

“What are poppers like?” Erwin asked. 

“You never tried them?” 

“No,” Erwin said. Levi shrugged. 

“It's a head rush. It makes you feel hot, and it relaxes your muscles,” Levi explained. Erwin nodded. 

“Hot temperature wise or hot as in aroused?” 

“Temperature,” Levi said. “You have to do the other part yourself. And if you top, you definitely don't want to use them.”

“I think I understand,” Erwin said, nodding. Briefly, Levi felt embarrassed that his drug knowledge had somehow worked its way into the conversation. But he knew that Erwin wasn't judging him. It was simply curiosity. He squeezed Erwin's hand again anyway. 

Erwin turned left and drove between some of the houses to pull into the parking lot of the rental agency office. The office was also a beach house, but it had a large sign on the front of it between two windows displaying the company's name. Erwin parked and turned the car off.

“Want to come in?” Erwin asked. Levi shook his head, but he unbuckled his seatbelt. Erwin unbuckled his belt and opened the car door. He stepped out and closed the door behind him. Levi watched Erwin walk over to the tall wooden stairs, and he watched as Erwin's feet disappeared the farther he walked up the stairs. He was so ready to give Erwin his present.

Levi looked around him. There were several empty lots where he guessed houses were at one point. They were pretty far away from the shore, and he guessed the houses were blown away by hurricanes one year. Levi had never been through a hurricane, but he knew that they were devastating. The owner's probably didn't think it was worth the money to rebuild the houses. 

When Levi turned to look at the house in front of him again, he saw Erwin's feet walking down the long stairs that led up to the door of the house. When he was able to see all of Erwin, he buckled up again, ready to go. Erwin opened the driver's side door and stepped into the vehicle. He held out of his hand to Levi. Levi held his open palm up to Erwin, and Erwin dropped house keys into Levi's hand. Levi shoved the house keys into his pocket, not really sure why Erwin had handed them to him.

Erwin started the car and put it in reverse. After he turned around, Erwin put the car back into gear and pulled away from the house. He drove back to the main road and turned left to drive farther west.

“I love this area,” Erwin said. “It's very quiet and family oriented.” 

“It looks like it's expensive,” Levi commented. 

“Oh, it is,” Erwin said. “The houses may not be expensive themselves, but the home owner's insurance is ridiculously pricey. That's why the houses are rented out. The owner's use the money to pay for the insurance.” 

“Pain in the ass,” Levi mumbled. Erwin only chuckled at his words. 

“I didn't check to see if the ferry runs this time of year,” Erwin said. “If it does, we can go to Dauphin Island. And the battleship USS Alabama is in Mobile. We could drive over there and see the ship even if it isn't open for tours.”

“What's on the island?” Levi asked. 

“There's the Estuarium. I don't know if it's open, but the ferry ride is fun by itself. You can drive onto the boat in your vehicle, and either stay in your vehicle for the ride to get out to stand on the deck and look at the water.” For a few glorious minutes, Levi entertained the idea of giving Erwin a blow job in the car while they rode on the boat. But his mind was quickly diverted by curiosity about the other thing Erwin had mentioned.

“What's the Estuarium?”

“It's a mix between an aquarium and an estuary,” Erwin explained. Levi pulled his phone out of his pocket and Googled Dauphin Island. Google pulled up The Estuarium for him, and he looked at the information. Erwin's explanation hadn't exactly solved the mystery for him. Of course, hew knew what an aquarium and an estuary were separately, but he couldn't imagine what combining them would mean. 

“Huh,” Levi said after he read some of the information about the place. He read a few more lines of and then looked at the Estuarium's hours. “Yeah. The Estuarium is going to be open a few days this week. Closed on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, the day after. Usual stuff.”

“Let's plan to go then, if you want,” Erwin said. While Levi had his phone out, he Googled the USS Alabama and looked at it. He wanted to go see it too, even if they couldn't have a tour. He also Googled NA meetings in the Gulf Shores area. There was going to be a meeting at a church in town that week, but he wasn't sure that he wanted to go. He knew that he should go. It was very rare for him to skip a meeting unless his was sick, but he wanted to pretend that he wasn’t an addict during their vacation. Just for one week, he wanted to pretend that Erwin was all that mattered to him. Levi turned the screen of his phone off and looked around him, outside of the car windows. Almost all of the beach houses were painted bright pastel colors. Most of them looked occupied. He guessed Christmas at the beach was a fairly popular thing for the people who could afford to actually own one of the houses.

Erwin turned on his left blinker, and Levi sat up in his seat a bit farther, trying to guess which house they would be using. Erwin was trying not to let Levi see how much he was smiling. While Levi was getting a closer look at the houses, he noticed that all of them had a name. 

“They name the houses?” Levi asked. 

“It's a tradition to name a vacation home,” Erwin explained. “I also think it helps the rental agency catalog the houses. Naming them gives them a more personal feeling rather than simply numbering them.”

After taking a few more turns, weaving between the houses, Erwin pulled into the driveway of a small house and parked. It was painted a lavender purple, and it was named The Crab Hole. Levi laughed at the name and opened his car door. He looked down at the concrete driveway, which was absolutely covered with white sand.

Levi stepped out of the car, feeling the sand collect under his heavy boot, and closed the door. Erwin turned off the car and followed.

“What do you think?” Erwin asked as he walked around the front of the car. Levi met Erwin at the front of the car. He didn't say anything while he looked up at the house on tall stilts. Erwin looked down at Levi's feet. He was in black combat boots. “I should have guessed that you don't own a pair of sandals,” Erwin said. “You can borrow one pair of mine for now.” Levi looked to Erwin with a glimmer of disbelief and amused annoyance. Erwin only smiled down at him. “Let's get changed and go see the water.” Levi nodded and walked to the back of the vehicle. Erwin opened the hatch and looked at their things, trying to decide the most efficient way to carry them so they wouldn't being going up and down the stairs so often. Levi put the house key in his pocket.

Both men loaded their arms full with luggage and their respective Christmas presents. Again, Levi wouldn't let Erwin touch his present, even though Levi struggled to carry such a large box along with his bags. Their arms were so full with luggage and presents that they couldn’t close the hatch of the vehicle.

“It won’t hurt to leave it open for a few minutes,” Erwin said as he began moving away from the vehicle. Levi led the way and walked up the tall wooden stairs, feeling off balanced by everything in his arms. When they were at the top platform of the stairs, Levi was able to fish the key out of his pocket by bending forward and lifting his leg up at the same time. He pulled the key out and found the doorknob without looking. Quickly, he pushed the door open and stepped in, stomping his feet on the rug to rid his shoes of the sand. It didn't help much, but he tried.

Erwin followed Levi into the house, and closed the door behind him with his foot. Levi walked through the foyer which opened up to the living room and open kitchen. He looked to either side of him. There was a hallway on either side of the house. He took the left hallway which only had one door at the end of it, the master bedroom.

Levi moved into the bedroom and began putting things down. He put Erwin's Christmas present on the bed last. Erwin followed Levi into the bedroom and put down his own things. He put Levi's presents, one for Christmas and one for his birthday, on the bed. Then, Erwin sat on the bed and started pulling off his tennis shoes. Levi sat down next to him and started to unlace his boots.

“It's probably too cold to get in the water today,” Erwin said. Levi finished unlacing his boots and pulled them off. He stood and went to Erwin's bag. After unzipping it, he pulled out two pairs of Erwin's black flip flops and dropped them on the floor. He slipped his small feet into the giant shoes and frowned. He knew that he looked like a clown, but he would buy a pair that actually fit later that night. Erwin's shoes would have to do until then. Erwin picked up his tennis shoes and Levi's boots, putting against one of the walls of the room so they would be out of the way. He slipped his feet into the other pair of flip flops that Levi had pulled out of the bag.

Without a word, Levi led the way out of the bedroom, flip flopping loudly in the huge sandals, and they walked back to the door they had entered. He had to walk carefully in the shoes, and it irritated him. Being unprepared irritated him. But he chose not to let Erwin see it. Rather than following, Erwin went to the door of the house that led to the covered deck that faced the beach and unlocked it so they could enter through that door when they came back.

Then, Erwin turned and walked to the other end of the house to follow Levi. Levi wanted to run down the stairs, but he was afraid that Erwin's giant shoes would trip him. Erwin followed closely behind Levi, watching him struggle with the shoes. He would have found it funny if the stairs weren't so steep. When they were on the ground again, Erwin walked over to the vehicle and closed the hatch. Levi waited on him.

When Erwin approached Levi again, he took Levi's hand and they began walking under the house towards the shore together. He looked down at Levi a few times while they walked. Levi's face was stoic. Erwin couldn't tell what was going on in Levi's head, but he felt like Levi was too excited to really express it. Or maybe he was irritated about the sandals.

They walked through the path between the sand dunes in front of the house, and Levi could see the waves lapping at the shore then. He stopped walking, and Erwin stopped with him. Levi looked out over the ocean. Really, he fully understood that the pictures did not do the ocean justice. And the Great Lakes simply weren't the same. Seeing it so close, standing on the sand, he knew that he could have never prepared himself for what he was seeing. Even when he looked out of the sunroof earlier, the ocean didn't look as impressive as it did in that moment. He thought back to the night that he had overheard Armin talking to Eren about the ocean. There's no way they could have imagined all of it. There's no way they could have imagined just how powerful it was.

 _“I wonder if they got a second chance too,”_ Levi thought. _“Are they standing on a beach with Mikasa somewhere?”_

The waves were small, but they still made a soothing sound when they crashed against each other and ran over the sand. Erwin took a step forward, and Levi stepped forward as well. Levi looked up and down the beach. About twenty meters away, he could see a small family, adults relaxing and children playing. But the beach wasn’t crowded due to the time of year. The sand was getting between his shoes and toes. Erwin stopped walking and slipped out of his flip flops. Without taking his hand away from Erwin's, Levi did the same. Without the shoes, his feet felt normal. He looked down at his toes while he wiggled them in the cool sand. It was fine, white and it stuck to his skin. He had never seen sand like that. In Iraq, the sand was more like brown dust. 

“The locals call it sugar sand,” Erwin said. “It's so white because it has a high crystal content. It's a lot prettier in the summer, but the sun will blind you when it reflects off the sand. We would have to wear sunglasses if it was summer.” Erwin started walking again, leading Levi closer to the water.

Levi looked at his feet while he walked. There were little holes dotted in the white sand. He guessed they were crab holes. He didn't know crabs could be so small. He looked up when he realized how close they were to the water.

Erwin stopped right where the water reached the sand. The sand in front of their feet was a darker color because it was wet, and Levi let go of Erwin's hand to put the toes of his right foot against the soggy sand. It was cold, but he didn't mind. The wet sand had a different texture, and he liked the feeling of it on his toes. A wave rushed up the shore then and some of the water lapped at Levi's bare toes. He pulled his foot back. The water was very cold, and Levi didn't like the cold. But he didn't want to move away from the water.

Levi reached out and wrapped his hand in Erwin's, lacing their fingers. They stood and looked out over the water while sun began to sink lower in the sky. Occasionally, a wave big enough to push over their feet would make it to the shore, but they didn't step back even when the hems of their jeans were wet from the water rushing past them.

When the sun was lower in the sky, Erwin looked down at Levi. Levi still had not spoken. There was a distant look in his gray eyes, and Erwin wanted to know what he was thinking. He expected Levi to be excited, but he hadn't expected Levi to be completely overwhelmed. While Erwin stared at Levi, he began putting the pieces of the puzzle together. Based on what Levi had told him about his childhood and adolescence, Erwin guessed that this might be the first vacation Levi had ever taken in his life. His mother probably couldn't afford vacations when Levi was a child. Levi spent his teenage years without a mother, with an emotionally absent step-father who was probably doing his best to put food in their mouths. Then, Levi immediately joined the Marine Corps, and Erwin could guess that Levi probably never used a day of leave in four years. Erwin doubted that Levi even left base for the holidays. And after all of that, Levi was alone again, only comforted by drugs. So, no, Levi had never had a vacation in his entire life that Erwin could imagine. And he felt honored to give that to Levi. More than anything, Erwin wanted to make this the best week of Levi's life. 

“Levi,” Erwin said. Levi pulled his eyes away from the water and looked up at Erwin. “I'm hungry. Let's come back tonight. I’ll show you the ghost crabs.” Levi swallowed and looked back out at the water, not ready to leave. Erwin smiled. He took his hand away from Levi's and bent down to pick Levi up. He lifted Levi up bridal style. Levi gasped when Erwin picked him up and spun in circles, kicking up sand with the movement.

“Damn it, Erwin!” Levi protested. He pushed at Erwin's chest and tried to wiggle out of Erwin's arms. Erwin laughed and put him down before he fell. They were both a bit dizzy from the spinning.

“I had to do something, Levi,” Erwin insisted. “You were going into shock.” Levi kicked sand up at Erwin's calf, laughing. Erwin kicked sand back on Levi's pants. Erwin pushed Levi gently and ran, and Levi chased after him. When Levi caught up to Erwin, he jumped up into the air and landed on Erwin's back, wrapping his arms around Erwin's shoulders and his legs around Erwin's hips. Erwin fumbled for only a moment, but he caught his balance again and began walking instead of running. Erwin wrapped his arms around Levi's legs and held him up. Levi rode Erwin's back all the way up the stairs to the house. They forgot both pairs of Erwin's sandals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Sithiere for beta reading this for me. If I've messed up any of the formatting, please let me know in the comments. 
> 
> The next chapter is Christmas!


	23. December 25, 2014

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Link in this chapter leads to a Youtube video. Safe for work.

Erwin crawled back into the king sized bed on Christmas morning and moved over to Levi. He pulled Levi to him until Levi's back rested against his chest. 

“Levi,” Erwin whispered against the skin of Levi's shoulder. He peppered some gentle kisses against the curve of Levi's neck. The room was still dim even though it was late morning. Clouds covered the sun. It was heavily raining outside, coloring the sand of the beach a darker color. Levi made a soft grunting noise in response. “Happy birthday, darling. Merry Christmas.” Levi reached up and rubbed at one of his eyes. He opened them both and slowly blinked. Erwin placed a kiss against the soft skin of Levi's shoulder. 

Levi reached up behind him and ran his hand into Erwin's hair. The blond locks spread between his fingers, and he rubbed his fingertips into Erwin's scalp. Erwin laid still and closed his eyes while Levi played with his hair. They laid there long enough that Levi's hand relaxed when he fell asleep again. When his hand began slipping out of Erwin's hair, Erwin opened his eyes. 

“Waffles,” Erwin tempted softly. Levi inhaled deeply and pulled his hand from Erwin's hair. He reached around and rubbed at his face again. Pulling away from Erwin's arms, he sat up on the edge of the bed, hunched over. Levi yawned. He looked to the nightstand and picked up his bottle of methadone. 

Levi poured a pill into his hand and popped it into his mouth. He closed the pill bottle, put it back in its place and took a swallow of water from the glass on his nightstand. After swallowing, Levi took another swallow of water before he put the glass back on the table. Erwin laid in bed, watching Levi in the dim light. He liked watching the muscles move under the smooth skin of Levi's back. Levi switched on the lamp on the nightstand and squinted against the light. He turned his head to look back at Erwin, over his shoulder, through heavy lidded eyes.

“Waffles?” Levi asked. Erwin nodded. 

“With all the sweet things,” Erwin promised softly. Levi nodded and turned back around. He stood from the bed and went to the chest of drawers were he had put his underwear. After opening the top drawer, Levi pulled out a pair of black boxer briefs and slipped into them. Then, he put on one of Erwin's short sleeved, cotton shirts and his own sweatpants. 

Erwin crawled out of the bed, and adjusted his sweatpants because they had slipped down with all of the movement. He walked to the door of the bedroom, and Levi followed closely behind him. They walked down the hallway together to the open kitchen. Erwin had already served their plates which were at the dining room table. 

Both men went to their respective places at the table and sat down. Levi looked at the plate. Erwin had even dressed his waffles for him. 

“Thank you, Erwin,” Levi mumbled before drinking some water from the glass in front of him. There was a hot mug of coffee next to the water. 

“It's my pleasure, birthday boy,” Erwin whispered. Levi didn't even glare at him before started cutting his waffles with the side of his fork. Sleepily, he put a bite in his mouth and chewed. He sighed contentedly, enjoying all of the sugar. The waffles were the perfect amount of sweetness for Levi. Erwin started on his own meal, and they ate in comfortable silence. As Levi continued to eat, he began to wake up more. He sipped at his coffee between bites. Erwin had made his coffee blond and sweet again. Levi savored the taste of everything. He was enjoying the special treatment. Erwin smiled while he ate and watched Levi, who still seemed very sleepy, devour the entire plate of waffles. 

When they were finished and had both pushed their plates away, Levi leaned back in his chair. 

“That was so good,” Levi muttered while he rubbed his stomach; it felt a little distended because he had eaten everything on his plate. 

“I'm glad,” Erwin murmured. Levi looked around at the table for his cigarettes. “I'll get them for you.” Levi nodded, and Erwin stood from the table. Erwin leaned down and put a kiss on the top of Levi's head, nuzzling into the black hair. Then, he picked up their plates to put them in the kitchen sink before he went to the bedroom to get Levi's cigarettes. 

When Erwin came back to the living room, Levi was already sprawled out on the couch. Erwin walked over to Levi and opened the pack. He handed Levi a cigarette and his lighter. Levi popped the menthol capsule in his filter and put it in his mouth. Erwin struck the lighter for him, and Levi lifted his head to hold his cigarette to the flame. When it was lit, he laid his head back down. He exhaled smoke heavily with a grin. 

“Renting a house that allows smoking inside. So fucking considerate,” Levi grumbled. Erwin smiled down at Levi. He had mentioned that every day since they had been in the house. Erwin knew that it was going to be colder on some days than others. At night, the temperature would naturally drop. He had reasoned that Levi would want to be inside to smoke on the colder nights. 

“Cigarette tax,” Erwin said. He pulled a cigarette out of the pack and put it in his mouth. He lit the tip. That's when he remembered to pop the menthol capsule. He squeezed the filter until he felt the little pop. Erwin returned the cigarette back to his mouth and dropped the pack to the coffee table. 

Erwin walked over to the back door leading to the beach, and looked out the long window in the center of the door. The waves were larger and more powerful than they had been on the day they arrived. There was a storm coming, and it made the water churn. Erwin hoped that there might be a water spout. He doubted Levi had ever seen one, and they were beautiful as long as one was on land. The waves crashed against the shore restlessly. Some seaweed was visible in the waves. Wind was blowing through the sea oats on top of the sand dunes, pushing them all the way over only for them to bounce back to their proper position and be pushed over again. Erwin felt Levi's arm wrap around his waist. He looked to his side, and saw Levi standing next to him. 

Since Levi wasn't too full to stand, Erwin opened the back door to the covered deck. He stepped outside with Levi following close behind. Levi closed the door behind him, and resumed his place next to Erwin. But the wind was strong, pushing Levi's hair in front of his face and in his eyes. Levi moved to stand on the other side of Erwin, using him as a wind shield. While Erwin realized that Levi was using him to block the wind, he didn't mention it. He only smiled while he switched his cigarette to his left hand and wrapped his right arm around Levi's shoulders. Levi wrapped his left arm around Erwin's back. Being outside, smelling the sweet and salty air, was better than being inside. The roof over the deck protected them from the rain. Sometimes, the wind would change direction as if it was purposely trying to wet them with rain, but the deck was wide enough that the rain lost momentum before it could touch the two men. Erwin looked down the beach to see if any of the other families nearby were outside. Many houses down, he could see several people on their covered deck, also smoking. 

“It's pretty even when it's ugly,” Levi said, exhaling smoke. He leaned his head in towards Erwin's chest.

“It is,” Erwin agreed before dragging on his cigarette. He lifted his right hand and ran it through Levi's hair, pulling him closer. Erwin exhaled smoke and looked down at the man leaning against him. The affection that spread in his chest burned him. 

“I expected it to be colder, especially with the rain,” Levi said. 

“Fortunately, southern winters can't compete with Michigan winters,” Erwin said, before dragging on his cigarette. Levi inhaled smoke into his lungs and watched the smoke scatter while he exhaled. They stood, watching the ocean and feeling the cool wind until their cigarettes burned to the filter. After a final drag, Levi pulled away from Erwin and turned to go back inside. When he opened the door, he went directly to the coffee table to crush his cigarette in the ash tray. Erwin followed Levi inside and closed the door.

“Have you showered already?” Levi asked. 

“Yes,” Erwin said. 

“I'm going to go shower.” 

“Alright,” Erwin said. He watched Levi walk out of the living area and turn down the hallway. Then, Erwin turned his head and looked at the presents under the tree. He wondered if he would have time to pick up the present Levi had brought for him and shake it. But he decided against it. 

Erwin crushed his cigarette in the same tray before laying down on the couch. He watched the rain fall outside of the windows. It was soothing to watch the rain and hear the distant noise of the waves crashing on the sand. Erwin pulled his phone out of his pocket when it vibrated against his leg. It was a text from his mother.

_Mother: Merry Christmas, Ean. Your present is in your bank account._

_Erwin: Merry Christmas, Mother. Thank you. Has the Christmas card I sent arrived in the mail yet?_

_Mother: We aren't at home, but I'm sure that it has. Thank you. Where are you spending Christmas this year?_

_Erwin: Fort Morgan, AL. Where are you and father?_

_Mother: Are you alone? We're in Japan._

_Erwin: I'm not alone._

_Mother: Send a picture of the Gulf to me if you will. I love that ocean._

_Erwin: I will. Would you also like a picture of Levi and me?_

_Mother: That would be fine._

_Erwin: I'll send them this week._

_Mother: Enjoy your day._

_Erwin: Thank you, Mother. You and father as well._

 

Erwin read through the texts messages again. His mother hadn't responded at all to the news that he was with a man. A stunning lack of emotion had been his mother's typical demeanor for a very long time, but it seemed that it was becoming more prevalent the longer that he went without seeing her. Even if his father had essentially disowned him, he still cared about his mother. He decided that he should try to visit with her more often the next year. 

Erwin backed out of the text message and opened his web browser to check the Twitter account. There weren't any direct messages or retweets of the pictures that he had posted in the previous weeks. Erwin looked at the pictures of the letter that Hange had written. It was long, and he hadn't taken the time to read it. He did however, take the time to read Moblit's before he posted it. Moblit simply stated his name, military branch and rank. Then, rather than talking about his time in the military, Moblit described the childhood he had in their first life. It was a very soothing letter, and Erwin was glad that Moblit had decided to not talk about fighting Titans or his time with Hange. If everyone had discussed killing Titans in their letters, then it might deter people from contacting them, and Moblit seemed to understand that without Erwin having to tell him. Mike and Nanaba had not submitted letters yet. Erwin had written and posted his first. It simply discussed his ranks and actions while he was in the Survey Corps. He styled his letter like a DD-214, the document issued to a soldier when he or she retires or is discharged from the modern military. Purposely, Erwin didn't mention anything beyond the final charge against the Beast Titan. 

When Erwin heard Levi moving through the hallway, he turned the screen of his phone off and put it back in his sweatpants. He sat up on the couch and watched as Levi rounded the corner, his hair still damp from the shower. Levi laid down on the couch and dropped his head in Erwin's lap before turning on the TV. He found a channel playing a 24 hour marathon of "A Christmas Story". Currently, the station was in the middle of the movie, but both of them had seen it so many times that it didn't matter. Erwin ran his hand through Levi's damp hair while they watched. Time seemed to slow down, and Erwin zoned out from watching the movie. He wondered if his father and mother were planning to eat KFC for Christmas dinner, or if they had decided they wanted someone to cook for them. Levi laughed when the protagonist, Ralphie, physically assaulted and verbally abused the bully in the movie. Erwin blinked, remembering where he was and looked down at Levi's face smiling face. He promised himself he wouldn't be distracted for the rest of the day. 

“Haven't you seen this before?” Erwin asked. 

“Yes,” Levi said through his laughter. Erwin smiled and continued to thread his fingers through Levi's black hair. “But he beats the shit out of that brat. Haymakers left and right.” Erwin chuckled softly. “That part just reminds me of being a kid myself, I guess.” 

“Did you fight a lot as a child?” 

“Sometimes,” Levi said. Erwin chuckled when he imagined a much smaller, younger Levi in place of Ralphie in the movie. But it didn't match. Ralphie broke down into tears as soon as his mother confronted him. Levi wouldn't do that. “My mom hated that shit,” Levi added. Erwin raised his eyebrows when it seemed that Levi had read his mind. 

“You mean she hated that you fought kids at school?” Erwin asked. 

“Yeah,” Levi said. “She said that fighting would only lead to more fighting. I tried harder not to fight so much after that.” Erwin leaned his head back against the couch, focusing his eyes on the television, and tried to push away the idea of Levi's mother being prophetic. But the thought stayed, firmly rooting itself in his mind. 

_“Maybe, if you wouldn't have abandoned him, your son wouldn't have had to fight so much,”_ Erwin thought. Erwin knew that it was an unfair thought. He didn't know Levi's mother's situation. But he judged her anyway. Quickly, Erwin leaned down and pressed a kiss against Levi's temple. Levi wasn't paying attention though. He was fully invested in watching Ralphie choke on soap on the television. 

Erwin slipped his hand into the pocket of his sweatpants and pulled out his phone when it vibrated against his thigh again. He had received several texts messages almost simultaneously. It was group message with all of the veterans contributing. 

_Hange: Merry Christmas, Commander and Captain! Happy birthday, Levi! Presents are here when you get home!_

_Moblit: Merry Christmas, Commander and Captain. Happy birthday, Captain._

_Hange: Merry Christmas, Mike and Nanaba!_

_Moblit: Merry Christmas, Squad Leader and Nanaba!_

_Nanaba: Multimedia Message: Merry Christmas from Mr. and Mrs. Zacharius (Zearfoss)!_

_Nanaba: Happy birthday, Captain!_

_Mike: Merry christmas happy birthday going to get Nanaba pregnant_

_Hange: Ewwwww!_

_Nanaba: Stop it, Mike!_

_Moblit: I knew it!_

“Levi,” Erwin said with a smile spreading over his face. Levi turned his head to look up at Erwin. Erwin held the phone down to Levi and showed him all of the messages. “They were sent to your phone too.” Levi took the phone in his hand and went through all of the messages. When he reached Nanaba's first message, he downloaded the media and opened the picture. Erwin watched over Levi's shoulder. 

The picture was of Mike and Nanaba in warm coats, hats, and scarves standing in snow. Both of them had huge smiles, even though the tips of their noses were blister red from the cold, and looked legitimately happy. 

“That's Mike's parents' back yard,” Erwin said. 

“We should send them a picture this week,” Levi said. Erwin smiled. 

“We should,” he agreed. Levi and Erwin stared at the picture of Mike and Nanaba for a few moments more. 

“I don't think I've ever seen either of them so happy,” Levi said. Erwin ran his fingers through Levi's hair. Levi went back to the group message, brought up the keyboard, and began typing. 

_Erwin: Merry Christmas to Mike and Nanaba. Beautiful picture._

Levi sent the text, and Erwin couldn't help the smile that spread over his face. It wasn't frequent that Levi was so blunt about something so romantic. But he seemed to be in the mood for it during their vacation. Erwin enjoyed seeing that side of Levi. Of course, the others would never see it considering that Levi had sent the message from Erwin's phone. 

_Erwin: Merry Christmas Hange and Moblit._

_Erwin: If you get Nanaba pregnant on the first try I'll buy you a drink Mike. -Levi_

_Hange: Why did this have to get weird? Can't we have a normal family holiday?_

_Mike: game on_

_Nanaba: I'm not happy right now._

_Moblit: This is an outrage! Protest, Nanaba! Mike is sleeping on the couch!_

_Mike: you stay out of this_

Levi turned off the screen on the phone and handed it back to Erwin. The phone continued to buzz with the conversation. Erwin took the phone from Levi's hand, turned on silent mode, and put it on the arm of the couch. Then, he leaned down, gently turning Levi's head and kissed Levi softly, even adding a little tongue at the end. The position was uncomfortable, and Erwin couldn't hold it for long. When he broke the kiss, he opened his eyes and saw that Levi was staring up at him with a look in his gray eyes that Erwin hadn't remembered seeing in this lifetime. It was a mix of surprise and something warm, maybe affection. Erwin straightened out his spine again, focusing on the television. After a few minutes, he felt Levi's head turn in his lap to look back at the TV as well. Erwin was curious what was going on in Levi's mind, but he thought it was more exciting not to know, just for today. 

When the movie ended and the station began preparing to play it again, Erwin's eyes drifted to the tiny Christmas tree in the corner of the room. Levi had decorated it with black and white ornaments. The big present Levi had brought for him had been teasing him for four days now. Levi hadn't even allowed him to get near it to help decorate the tree. 

“Let's open presents,” Erwin suggested. 

“We need to cook first,” Levi said, sitting up on the couch. Erwin's eyes went back over to the presents. He really wanted to know what Levi had bought for him. Levi caught Erwin staring. “Don't get your hopes up. It's nothing special,” Levi insisted before he turned to walk into the kitchen. Erwin's eyes darted back over to the present, and he squinted at it suspiciously. He knew Levi was just trying to throw him off. It had to be something amazing if Levi said it was nothing special.

But Erwin stood up from the couch and followed Levi into the kitchen. Levi opened the refrigerator and took out the link sausage and raw shrimp. He tossed the pack of sausage on the counter before he set the bag of shrimp in the sink. Erwin lifted the bag of shrimp from the sink, poured the raw shrimp into a large bowl, and poured cold water over the shrimp so they could soak. Levi couldn't stand to look at the shrimp, and he stared at the pack of sausage on the counter instead. Then, Erwin took the corn and potatoes they had purchased from their places in the pantry and set them on the counter to start cutting them. They both washed their hands before they went back to the areas they were going to use to prepare the pieces of their meal. Levi opened the pack of link sausages to cut them into smaller pieces, and Erwin opened the shrink wrap around the ears of corn. 

As an after thought, Erwin turned on the radio in the kitchen and tuned it to a station that was playing Christmas songs. The station was in the middle of playing the song “Little Drummer Boy”. Levi grinned to himself while he sliced another piece of sausage. 

“My mom hated that song,” Levi commented. Erwin stopped washing the ears of corn for a moment. He questioned whether or not he should ask for details. “She didn't like the pa rum pum pum pum part.” Erwin smiled. 

“Why not?” 

“She said it was a stupid sound for a drum to make,” Levi said. “But I caught her singing along with it a few times. When I pointed it out, she would throw a mini shit fit.” Erwin chuckled and began washing the ear of corn in his hand again. Then, Erwin washed the potatoes that he wanted to use. When all of them were cleaned off, he took them out of the sink and moved to another part of the counter, away from Levi to cut the corn and potatoes into smaller pieces. 

“I think she's right,” Erwin said. With all of the sausage was cut into smaller chunks, Levi moved to the sink to wash his hands again. He looked at the other section of the sink where the shrimp were still waiting. Levi turned off the tap and dried his hands, still staring with disgusted fascination at the bowl. He had never seen raw shrimp before, and they were the most hideous creatures he had ever seen in real life, gray and slippery looking. The only reason he had ever allowed Erwin to buy them was because he knew how delicious they would be when they were cooked. 

“These things need your attention, I think,” Levi said. 

“Alright. Come take over then,” Erwin said. Erwin put his knife down and walked over to the sink. Levi stepped away from the sink and went to the pieces of corn that Erwin had been cutting. 

After searching through one of the drawers that held knives, Erwin found a small pairing knife that he wanted to use to devein the shrimp. He was glad that the store where they bought the shrimp had already pulled the heads off. Otherwise, he imagined that Levi would protest against buying them. Erwin was also thoughtful enough not to mention to Levi that the vein in a shrimp's back was not actually a vein but a digestive tract. He made quick work of peeling, deveining and rinsing the shrimp. He lost focus on everything else besides his work and the sound of Levi cutting potatoes. The radio began playing the song “I'll Be Home for Christmas”. 

“Please turn up the radio, Levi,” Erwin said. Levi wiped his hands on a kitchen towel and turned up the radio. He stopped with his hand still on the dial when Erwin began singing. Levi took his hand away from the radio and turned to fully look at Erwin's back. He had never heard Erwin sing before, and unsurprisingly, Erwin's voice was deep and rich. 

Levi walked away from the radio and over to Erwin. He put his hand against Erwin's bicep and pulled. Erwin stopped singing and turned his head to look at Levi. 

“Dance with me,” Levi said. Instantly, Erwin flushed and smiled. 

“Turn on the faucet,” Erwin said. Levi reached over and turned on the sink faucet, then poured some soap into Erwin's hands. Erwin thoroughly washed his hands before Levi handed him the kitchen towel. When Erwin's hands were dry, Levi grabbed Erwin's hand and pulled him close. Levi pressed his hand to the small of Erwin's back and took Erwin's left hand in his right, lacing their fingers and taking the lead. “Keep singing,” Levi said. Erwin began singing again. But the song was almost over. Their dance lasted less than a minute. Levi frowned when the song ended. 

Levi pulled away from Erwin, walked to the radio and turned it all the way down. 

“Pull out your phone and find that version,” Levi said. “Sing it again.” Erwin chuckled, the flush spreading hotter over his cheeks. Shaking his head, Erwin took his phone out of his pocket, brought up his YouTube app and found ["I'll Be Home For Christmas" by Frank Sinatra](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pk-SLQPYJ0). He pressed play and set his phone on the counter. 

Levi walked over to Erwin, taking the lead in the dance, and he rested his head against Erwin's chest. Erwin sang along with the song while they danced, enjoying the full length of the song together. Of course, Levi only wanted to hear Erwin sing more, but he also really loved the song. He closed his eyes while he reveled in the moment, mentally saving it for a day he thought he would need it. 

During the two years that he hadn't been able to spend Christmas with Erwin, Levi mostly spent the day lying in bed, daydreaming about what Christmas with Erwin could be like and sleeping to avoid thinking about dope. But Levi remembered both scenarios that had had imagined, and neither of them were as wonderful as what he was experiencing in that moment while they danced in the kitchen. Two years without Erwin. Three years high. Four years in the military. Four years of high school without his mother. Levi did the math. For the first time in thirteen years, Levi was home for Christmas. He could spend his birthday with someone who loved him. No matter what was in the boxes under the tree for him, Erwin had already given Levi everything that he wanted. When the song ended, Levi lifted his head and looked up at Erwin. 

“I've never heard you sing before,” Levi muttered. Erwin smiled down at him. When Levi leaned up on his toes, Erwin didn't hesitate to lean down, meeting him halfway and pressing their lips together. The kiss was gentle, not rushed until Levi put his tongue against Erwin's bottom lip. Erwin opened his mouth, pressing his own tongue against Levi's. But Levi didn't allow the kiss to go further. He broke the kiss and opened his eyes, smiling at Erwin. Erwin smiled back at him. “You old sap,” Levi muttered. Erwin chuckled. 

“I'm not the one who is initiating dances in the kitchen,” Erwin said. Levi pulled away, rolling his eyes, and went back to preparing the food. For a while, Erwin stood and stared at Levi across the kitchen. But he eventually turned and went back to preparing the shrimp. 

They boiled the sausage, shrimp, potatoes and corn together with cajun seasoning. When the food was finished cooking and plated, Levi pulled out a lemon cream cake they had bought from the local bakery. He wanted to eat it right then, but he saved it until after dinner. 

Levi ate too much again, and was leaning back in his chair after dinner, rubbing his stomach. Erwin was too on edge to eat very much. He could feel Levi's Christmas present right behind him, just out of reach. The image of the dark green paper and red bow were burned into his mind, and the night before, Erwin had laid awake in bed wondering what could be in the box. He wasn't willing to wait any longer. 

“Presents,” Erwin demanded. Levi sighed. He sat upright in his chair. 

“Okay,” Levi said. “Let's clean up.” 

“Later,” Erwin said. He quickly stood from the table, grabbing Levi's plate and his own, hurrying to the kitchen. He put the dishes in the sink as gently as he could, even though he wanted to toss them. Then he made quick work of putting away the leftovers and Levi's half eaten cake before he rushed back over to the table. 

Levi had already stood from the table and put Erwin's present on the table in front of his chair. When Erwin walked back over to the table, he passed it and went to the Christmas tree. He pulled Levi's birthday and Christmas present out from under it. Then, Erwin deposited them on the table in Levi's place. 

Levi had gone over to the coffee table to get his cigarettes. He picked up the ashtray too and returned to the table. 

“We can't smoke first?” Levi asked. Erwin sat down in his chair and propped his elbow on the table. He rested his chin in his hand and attempted to look patient. Levi sat in his chair and pulled out a cigarette. He lit it and set his pack and lighter aside. 

Sitting back in his chair, Levi exhaled and eyed Erwin. He nodded towards the present. 

“Go ahead,” Levi said. 

“It's your birthday,” Erwin insisted. Levi dragged on his cigarette one more time before sitting it in the ashtray to the side. He exhaled while he picked up one present. There was a card attached to the box, and Levi opened the white envelope. On the front of the card, there was a picture of two sleeping gray kittens with Christmas bows on tops of their little heads, and a smile threatened to pull at Levi's mouth. He managed to suppress it to a simple grin. Inside the card was blank except for a few words: _Happy Birthday, Levi. Love, Erwin._

Slowly, Levi put the card back into the envelope and set it down on the table. Then, he pulled at the paper around the box, and revealed a new pair of hair clippers. He smiled and pulled the paper off the rest of the way. Turning the box around, Levi read about what came with the new clippers and the other information listed. It was a much better set than he already had, and it looked expensive.

“Thank you,” Levi said. Erwin smiled at him. 

“Next,” Erwin ordered. Levi grinned. 

“You really can go ahead and open yours,” Levi said. Erwin shook his head, not budging. Levi picked up the other box, a bigger one, and started pulling at the paper. He revealed a nondescript white box, and Levi pulled at the tape on the sides to open it. 

When Levi pulled the top off of the white box, there were three smaller boxes inside of it. They were all wrapped individually with paper. Levi scoffed and shook his head. He reached into the box and pulled out the smaller present. Tearing the paper off, Levi realized he was holding a tea tin in his hand. It was a type of Earl Grey, but it had extra bergamot in it. Levi smiled and opened the tin. He smelled of the leaves and exhaled heavily. 

“Smells delicious,” Levi said. 

“I'll make you some later if you like,” Erwin said. Levi nodded, putting the lid back on the tin before setting it down on the table. He picked up the next wrapped present and tore the paper off. The box he held in his hand was white cardboard. When he took the top off the little box, Levi grinned and chuckled. In the box was a pure white cravat. Levi smiled wide enough that he showed his teeth. He wanted to reach into the box to touch the fabric, but he considered his hands dirty because he hadn't washed them after he ate. From what he could see, the fabric was delicate, and he didn't want to chance messing it up. 

“I'm not properly dressed for this,” Levi said. “But I'll wear it for you this winter.” Levi looked at Erwin. Erwin was smiling at him softly. 

“I'd love to see you in it,” Erwin said. “Maybe when we take our Christmas picture.” Levi nodded before he put the top back on the box, setting the box down next to his tea tin. He picked up the final wrapped present and pulled off the paper. Under the paper was a rectangular, hinged, black box. Levi opened the box, and nestled inside was a beautiful knife with a black handle. 

“Erwin,” he breathed with a wide smile. The man knew him so well. “It's gorgeous.” He lifted the knife out of the box by the handle. It looked more similar to the one he had carried in his first life, but it was much nicer and was automatic. The crafting of it was much better than the one he currently had. Levi tossed the knife in the air, flipping it and caught it in his hand without incident. Despite it being a folding knife, it was weighted perfectly. He closed the knife and pressed the button on the side of the handle. When he pressed the button, the knife flipped open and he smiled. The mechanism in the knife felt smooth. He scraped his thumb perpendicular against the blade. It was extremely sharp. He closed it again and held it tightly in his hand. “Thank you, Erwin,” Levi muttered. His eyes glanced over to Erwin, who was practically glowing.

“Happy birthday and Merry Christmas, my darling,” Erwin said. He was smiling softly at Levi. 

“Open yours already,” Levi said. Erwin didn't wait any longer before he started pulling at the paper on the big box. When Erwin had pulled all of the paper and the bow away, he tossed it to the floor beside him. His present was also in a white, unlabeled box. He furrowed his brows and started pulling at the tape that secured the top of the box to the base. There was too much of it, and he felt adverse to tearing the box.

Levi pressed the button on his new knife and the blade flipped open. Erwin moved out of the way. Carefully, Levi leaned over and cut the tape around the lid of the box. He smiled and pulled his knife back away from the present. Closing his knife, he laid it gently on the table. Levi lifted his cigarette from the ashtray. He lit the tip again and puffed on it until he reached fresh tobacco. Levi exhaled smoke. 

Erwin watched Levi and waited until he was looking at the present again. When Levi was watching him, Erwin lifted the top of the big box and sat it to the side, on the table among the torn paper. His blue eyes spread wide, and he wavered back and forth in his chair. 

“Levi,” Erwin gasped. In the box was a pair of brown leather boots, perfect replicas of the boots they wore in the Survey Corps. One side of Levi's mouth tilted up in victory as he exhaled more smoke. Erwin stood from his chair, and pushed it back. He reached into the box and felt of the leather. They were already perfectly polished. “Oh, Levi.” Erwin lifted a boot from the box and held it in his hand. Everything about it was exactly as he remembered. The knee portion of the boot was open in the back, to make kneeling easier, and even the seam on the back of the boot was perfectly stitched. 

“Nanaba helped me find the leather worker,” Levi said quietly. “Moblit sketched them for a reference.” He ashed into his ashtray.

Erwin found his chair behind him and sat down heavily, holding one of the boots in his hands. His eyes were still scanning the leather, not believing that he was holding an item from his first life in both of his hands. There were so many memories attached to his boots, good and bad. Some of their uniform was optional. As the war continued, they had to add to the uniform. For example, arm bands were added to the uniform after Erwin lost his arm. Most items needed to be replaced often due to fabric tears, but Erwin had always loved his boots most. Boots were a constant part of the uniform, no matter the situation. When it was time for him to order new boots, he was always eager to slip his feet into the new leather, always imagining that the new boots could be the ones he wore when they gained freedom. The leather that he was holding in his hands was better quality, and the boots would last longer, decades probably. 

Levi watched Erwin staring at the boot in his hands. He let Erwin have his moment. Levi knew how much this would mean to him. The others had been hesitant to help, not necessarily wanting to remember their first life, much less have an item from that time. Erwin was different. He missed it. While he loved being at peace with the world around him, he missed the drive, the purpose. Truthfully, more than anything, Erwin missed knowing his place in the world. Sometimes, Levi missed their first life too. He missed seeing the clear, determined look in Erwin's eyes. Of course, he didn't miss the war or any of the other horrible shit that happened to them, but he missed everyone around him being so grateful to be alive even if they had to mourn the ones they had lost. In this life, Levi was not always grateful to be alive. He had allowed heroin to take that away from him. But being around Erwin helped. Even if he could never forget heroin, Erwin could always give him a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Or at least be glad to wake up. 

“Levi,” Erwin said again. Levi realized that he had zoned out and looked away from Erwin. When he met Erwin's blue eyes again, he saw they were wet. He felt the shock race up his backbone, but he didn't let his face betray the emotion. Levi crushed his cigarette in the ashtray. He stood from the table. 

“Let's get them on your feet,” Levi said. Gently, Levi gently took the boot from Erwin's hands. He pulled out the stiff cardboard insert from inside the boot and put it in the box. “These are to help them keep their shape when you store them,” Levi explained while he put the cardboard on the table. He didn't know why he felt the need to say that, maybe to break the silence that was tense with Erwin's surprise. Nervously, Erwin reached up and ran his fingers through his hair. Levi dug around in the box under the tissue paper and found the socks he had included in the present. “Take your pants off.” 

Erwin sniffled and stood from his chair. He pushed his sweatpants past his hips and they fell to the floor. Erwin stepped out of his pants and slid them across the tile floor against one of the walls. Levi knelt in front of Erwin, and his eyes involuntarily scanned Erwin's body, lingering on his thighs before he broke the gaze and refocused. Erwin sat back down in the chair, only wearing his gray boxer briefs. 

Levi set the one boot on the floor and pulled the socks apart. Erwin lifted his feet. Levi rolled one of the olive drab socks up Erwin's left foot first, slowly, and then up his calf until it was just below his knee. Normally, they didn't have to wear high socks with their uniforms, but the boots weren't meant to be worn against bare skin. Levi knew that Erwin would have to wear tighter trousers for the fabric to slip under the boots, and Levi wasn't exactly sure if Erwin had anything like that. That made socks necessary. Levi repeated the practice with the right sock. When the socks looked to be in the right place, Levi picked up one boot, the left, and helped Erwin slip it on. Once it was secured, and Erwin nodded, Levi stood and took the other boot from the box. He pulled out the stiff cardboard insert from inside the second boot, dropping it into the box. Levi knelt down at Erwin's feet and positioned the boot around his foot. He pushed the boot onto Erwin's foot, and Erwin helped Levi pull it on the rest of the way. 

The picture of the Commander, as Levi remembered him most fondly, was complete. The bolo tie tattoo was resting on Erwin's chest, and there were boots on his feet again. He still had both arms. Levi ran his hand along the smooth leather, admiring the custom work. 

“Stand up,” Levi said. Erwin stood from the chair and wiggled his toes in his new boots. He didn't look down at Levi. “Do they fit?” Erwin lifted his big toe in his left boot and pressed against the leather. He had plenty of room in the front and back of the boot. Gently, he picked up one foot at the time and felt of the leather moving against him. Levi watched Erwin move in the boots. They looked like they fit perfectly. “Good.” Levi smiled and looked up at Erwin from his kneeling position. “How do they feel?” Levi asked. Erwin just nodded, not able to speak yet. His eyes were still watering. He reached up and rubbed them, trying to clear them. “Erwin.” Erwin took his hands away from his face and dropped them to his sides.

“Yes.” He looked down at Levi then, who was still on one knee. Erwin swallowed because that was the position he had seen Levi in last before he died. But in this life, it looked like Levi was kneeling for a marriage proposal. Conflicting emotions began raising in Erwin's chest, and he purposely chose the happier version, forcing the memories from their past out of his mind. There were times that Erwin wished they had never shared a first life together. But then he had to face the reality that it was highly unlikely he would have ever met Levi without the bond that they had created back then. Levi didn't say anything for a moment, savoring the moment, and Erwin hands clenched into fists.

“Merry Christmas,” Levi said, smiling up at him. Erwin smiled down at him and almost gasped when he realized that he had been holding his breath. He decided that everything they had gone through was worth it to see that look of joy in Levi's eyes. Erwin steadied his breathing and held out a hand to help Levi up. 

“Come here,” Erwin muttered. Levi took the offered hand, stood up, and Erwin's arms wrapped around his shoulders. Levi wrapped his arms around Erwin's waist. Squeezing tightly, Levi inhaled Erwin's scent and held the breath before he exhaled again. Truthfully, he was relieved at that point. He hadn't been able to predict Erwin's reaction, and he worried that Erwin wouldn't necessarily feel as strongly as he predicted about the boots. But Levi certainly hadn't expected Erwin to almost cry over them. Levi grinned then. 

“Say you like them already,” Levi grunted against Erwin's chest. Erwin laughed and it was a deep enough laugh that it jostled Levi in his arms.

“They're perfect, Levi. Thank you,” Erwin said against Levi's hair. Levi pulled his face away from Erwin's chest then and reached up to rub his nose. Erwin's chest hairs had tickled him. When he looked up to complain about it, Erwin caught his lips in a kiss. Levi found himself looking at Erwin's closed eyelids while Erwin's mouth was moving against his. He allowed his own eyelids to close, to savor the taste of Erwin's mouth and memorize the unusual warmth spreading under his skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Sithiere for beta reading a portion of this chapter. 
> 
> It's time for me to take a break. Not for long. I'll start posting again in February. 
> 
> If you are curious for a detailed explanation for my absence, please check my [ Tumblr ](http://valisi-clark.tumblr.com) post. The short of it is that I'm tired. This piece has been a lot of research and brain work. I'm dedicating a lot of time to reading and thinking about drug addiction and recovery. Heavy stuff. Brain needs rest. 
> 
> While you're waiting for the next chapter, if you would like to hear some music that has really helped me write this piece, check out [ Drugs by Eden ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rflghuHtg8) (YouTube link).
> 
> Thank you for your continued support. I hope you'll all come back in February.


	24. December 28, 2014

On their final day at the beach house, Erwin packed both Levi's bag and his own. He knew that Levi wasn't ready to leave, and Erwin wished he had the forethought to know that. Honestly, Erwin didn't expect Levi to be so attached to the place already. It was endearing. But they both needed to go home and prepare for the new year.

When their things were packed, Erwin began moving their bags from out of the bedroom and to the door leading down to the vehicle. Once the bags were stacked up, ready to be carried down, he looked at the living room and could see Levi through the windows, standing outside on the balcony, still looking towards the beach. Erwin noticed they hadn't taken down the Christmas tree, and his mouth twitched to the side as he walked up to the tiny tree.

“What to do with you,” Erwin mumbled at the tree. He smiled when the idea came to him, and he decided to pack up the little tree, not bothering to take the ornaments off of its branches first. When he had packed the little tree in the box that it was packaged in, he put the box on top of their things at the external door.

Then, Erwin steeled himself and went to collect Levi. He walked through the house and out of the door leading towards the beach. Levi looked up and over to Erwin when he stepped outside. Predictably, Erwin was wearing his boots over a pair of thin blue jeans. He was also wearing a thin, cotton, long sleeved gray shirt with his long black coat.

Erwin approached Levi and stood behind him before wrapping his arms around him. He pressed a gentle kiss against the top of Levi's head.

“We can come back next year, darling,” Erwin muttered. Levi nodded.

“Thank you,” Levi said. “This is the best birthday I've ever had.” Adoration flared in Erwin's chest and he tilted Levi's head until he could lean down and kiss him properly. Erwin only intended to steal a few kisses, but Levi pressed the kiss a little further by licking Erwin's lips. The eagerness made Erwin smile, and that smile caused Levi to chuckle softly. They had to stop kissing for a moment to laugh at nothing. It had happened a lot at the beach house. After another chaste kiss, Erwin tightened his hold around Levi and looked back to the ocean. It was a beautiful day, and Erwin thought it was always a shame that the prettiest day of a vacation was typically the last day. 

“Pictures?”Levi asked, wriggling out of Erwin's arms so he could turn around fully.

“Oh, yes,” Erwin said. Erwin pulled his phone out of his jeans pocket and brought up his camera. Quickly, he took a few pictures of the ocean for his mother. Then, he set the camera to front-facing and turned his back to the ocean. He wrapped his arm around Levi, pulled him close and began taking selfies. Erwin blushed and smiled when he felt Levi press a kiss to his cheek. When that picture was taken, Erwin turned his head and pressed his lips to Levi's before snapping another picture. He had to put his phone down when their kiss lasted longer than he expected, but Levi had grabbed him by the front of his shirt. Breaking the kiss, Levi leaned back and opened his eyes. Erwin gave him that soft smile that he remembered so well and loved so much.

“Ready to go?” Levi asked. Erwin only nodded and pressed a quick kiss to Levi's forehead. He put his phone in his pocket. Standing upright, he took his arm away from Levi before he grabbed Levi's hand and laced their fingers. Erwin gently led Levi through the beach house and only broke contact when it was time for them to pick up their things. Levi frowned at the packed Christmas tree.

“What are we going to do with that?” Levi asked.

“We can use it next year,” Erwin said. He smiled down at Levi. Levi picked up the Christmas tree box and settled it on top of his duffle bag. Levi chuckled lightly before he picked up his things, tree included. He liked Erwin's idea.

The two men filed out of the beach house, making sure to lock the house, and packed their things in the vehicle. When they were settled in their respective car seats, they buckled their safety belts. Erwin started the vehicle and peered through the windshield at the tall house once more. Levi followed the example. They both said a silent goodbye to the house before reversing out of the parking lot and driving away.

After dropping off the house keys at the rental agency, Erwin asked Levi to take his phone and put on some music.

“You have an auxilary cord?” Levi asked. Erwin nodded.

“In the center console,” Erwin said. Levi opened the center console and found the cord was already plugged up. He unwrapped the cord and plugged it into Erwin's phone. Then, he pulled up the music gallery. “What do you want to listen to?”

“Some rap would be good,” Erwin said. Levi laughed.

“What? You listen to rap?”

“Of course,” Erwin said, as if it was a silly question. Levi started going through Erwin's music.

“You have way too many different things on here. You can't put Madonna next to this Metallica album. You have to have some loyalty,” Levi said with a smile.

“I'll do what I want,” Erwin said. Levi laughed and shook his head. He couldn't believe Erwin's music tastes. He thought it would all be classical shit and elevator music. And the idea of Erwin's phone full of elevator music made him laugh hard enough that he had to close his eyes and recover. “Levi it's not that funny.” Levi nodded. It was that funny. But he recovered anyway without another comment, and he continued searching through Erwin's collection. 

“Welcome to Cobra Island,” Levi said. “As in, G. I. Joe Cobra Island?”

“Yes,” Erwin said. “But it has a lot of violence and a few drug references. You can pick something else.”

“No way,” Levi said. “I love G.I. Joe. I want to hear this shit.” He tapped the album and it began playing. Levi liked the beat already, and he turned up the volume. Before he knew it, Levi was bobbing his head to the music. He quickly decided his favorite track was Cobra Commander's song, entitled Venomous Ideology. He played it twice in a row.

Their journey back home seemed to go faster somehow. The excitement of the vacation and relaxation faded, and they traveled quietly. When the album ended, Levi played it all over again. They stopped at a McDonald's for lunch. Levi ordered a large fry with a coke and Erwin ordered a BigMac meal. Levi assisted Erwin in eating his fries so he wouldn't spill them all over the car. However, Levi couldn't couldn't hold the burger for Erwin to eat, and he cringed anytime he saw something fall to the floorboard. He chose not to be picky about it.

A few hours later, Erwin tapped Levi's thigh, and Levi paused the loud music. He looked up at Erwin.

“I need to stop for gasoline when we get back into the city,” Erwin said. “We can get something for dinner on the way home.”

“Yeah. I'm ready to get home and do some laundry,” Levi said. Erwin smiled and nodded.

When it seemed like Erwin wasn't going to say anything else, Levi played the music again. Levi listened to the album over and over, all the way back into their home state and city. Erwin didn't complain. He had listened to the album so much that he had memorized most of the lyrics, but he was surprised that Levi liked it so much. Levi specifically seemed to really like Cobra Commander's song, which specifically mentioned opium addicts, but it didn't seem to faze him. Erwin wondered if there would ever come a day that they could both forget that Levi was ever an addict. But he knew that wasn't realistic.

After lunch, the trip back to the city was short lived. A few times, Erwin looked down at the speedometer and realized that he was speeding. He wasn't driving as fast as he had on the way down to the beach, but he decided to put the vehicle in cruise control to help him maintain a legal speed. Erwin leaned his head back, relaxing a little more when he didn't have to focus on the speed. Levi played the album again, and Erwin wondered if that was something Levi did often. If he found another album in Erwin's collection that he liked, would they have to listen to it five times in a row before he was satisfied? The city was close though, and Erwin knew that it wouldn't last much longer. 

Erwin tried to plan when they would leave so they would get back into town during a time that there wasn't a rush hour. But there was still so much traffic. He guessed that others were coming back from Christmas vacations too. Rather than going to a part of the city that he was used to, he stopped at one of the gas stations on the side of town that wasn't as familiar to him. 

When they stopped at the gas station, both men got out of the vehicle. Erwin paid for gas with his card at the pump, and Levi pumped the gas into the vehicle for him. Erwin washed the windshield with a squeegee and made it as streak free as possible. Then, he took their trash from their earlier lunch and threw it away. When the vehicle was filled with gas, cleaned of trash, and the windshield was perfectly spotless, Erwin walked over to Levi and smiled down at him.

“Do you want a drink? I'm thirsty,” Erwin said.

“I have to piss,” Levi said, putting the gas nozzle back into its place on the pump.

“Go ahead.” Erwin watched Levi walk past him, and he took the time to glance down to Levi's ass as he walked. He opened the driver's side door and slid into the vehicle. Erwin moved the vehicle away from the gas pump and into one of the parking spaces on the side of the building.

Levi pulled the door open and walked inside, looking for the restroom sign. He frowned when he didn't see one and walked over to the counter. There was a line of people, but he couldn't wait to stand in line just to ask a question.

“Where's your toilet?” Levi asked the cashier.

“We have external restrooms around back, sir,” the cashier said. “I would give you the key to open the door, but someone is already in there. You can get the key from him and bring it back to me when you're done.” Levi nodded and turned. As he was walking out of the store, Erwin held the door for him. Levi looked up and saw Erwin was smiling down at him.

“I thought you had to pee,” Erwin said.

“It's around back.”

“What do you want to drink?”

“Gatorade. Red,” Levi said.

“Cigarettes?” Erwin asked.

“Yeah,” Levi said before he began walking to the corner of the building. Erwin stepped into the shop and bought a bottle of water for himself and a big Gatorade for Levi along with cigarettes.

When he walked out of the building and back to his vehicle around the corner, he was surprised to see that Levi wasn't standing near the vehicle, waiting for him. It had taken him a while to stand in line and get their things. Erwin unlocked the SUV and put their drink bottles in the cup holders. He tossed the cigarettes into the passenger seat for Levi, and closed the driver's side door, walking away from the vehicle.

Erwin turned the corner of the back of the building and saw Levi waiting, glaring at the closed Men's restroom door with his hands in his pockets. The brick wall of the back of building was painted white, but there were shadows of graffiti under the paint. Opposite of the building was a tall privacy fence that was falling apart and a dumpster. The ground was littered with loose pieces of asphalt of all sizes. Erwin walked down the alley between the building and fence to approach Levi.

“Occupied?” Erwin asked.

“Yeah,” Levi grunted. Erwin walked up to Levi's side and stared at the closed, grimy door. He knew that Levi wouldn't be too happy to use a filthy gas station toilet.

“Let's go, and I'll stop somewhere else,” Erwin said. The lock and doorknob began jiggling. Erwin furrowed his brows when he heard the door jam and a hard knock on the other side of it. Whoever was in the restroom seemed to have trouble getting out of it.

In a second, the door swung open. A skinny man with thinning dark, brown hair almost fell out of the bathroom door, cursing. Erwin and Levi both took a step back in response to the outburst. The man was dressed in loose blue jeans and a yellow hoodie with a white undershirt exposed under it. And his shoes were so worn out that they were falling apart. The bathroom door slammed closed. Levi instantly tensed, and hoped with all of his might that Randy wouldn't recognize him.

Randy looked up at the two men staring at him. His eyes bounced between the two of them for a moment before settling on Levi. The key to the bathroom was attached to a measuring ruler that he had in his hand.

“Landon?” Randy slurred, grinning. Randy laughed, but laughed too hard and began coughing. He spit some of the congestion out of his throat onto the ground, and Levi cringed. He had always told Randy to slow down on the cigarettes.

_“Disgusting,”_ Levi thought. Randy's eyes went back to Erwin and looked him up and down.

“I always wondered why you left in such a hurry,” Randy said, wiping the spit off his chin with his hoodie sleeve. “Must have been him.” Levi felt the irritation slowly rise up his back bone, and he felt his neck turn red. His face dropped into the disinterested expression that he usually had before he began a fight. Randy was still glaring at Erwin. “He sure is pretty.” Levi crossed his arms over his chest to keep his hands from balling into fists. He couldn't move his feet though. But he wanted to run. Even if he had never run from a fight in his life, Levi felt like he wanted to run away. He didn't want to see Randy. Most importantly, he didn't want Randy to say anything that could-

“Have you told him about us, Landon?” Randy asked. Levi's eyes dropped, staring at the ground, obviously uncomfortable. He turned his back on Randy and began to walk away, expecting Erwin to follow him. “Tell him how you would get on your knees to suck my cock and beg me for dope between licks!” Levi tensed and kept walking. “You fucking look at -” Randy was interrupted.

Levi stopped walking but hadn't turned in time to see Erwin's left fist hit Randy directly in the nose. The bathroom key dropped from Randy's hand and hit the ground. Along with the bathroom key, the heavy metal of a pistol hit the asphalt. Levi's eyes widened when he saw the gun. When he turned his eyes back to the two men, Erwin's fists were flying through the air, too fast to fully register. Randy stumbled, but he didn't fall backwards. Erwin threw his right fist into the side of Randy's jaw. His left fist whipped around and landed squarely in Randy's right cheek, knocking spit out of his mouth. Then, in another second, Erwin's right fist landed in Randy's diaphragm. Air rushed harshly from Randy's throat, and he bent over, dropping his hands automatically to his stomach to protect it from further abuse. While Randy was bent over trying to recover his breath from the blow, Erwin grabbed the back of Randy's head by the hair and slammed the man's face into his right knee. Randy collapsed to the ground on his back. His head bounced when it hit the ground, nearly missing a large chunk of loose asphalth, and his arms were spread helplessly to his sides. His mouth hung open and blood was running from his bent nose and down his cheeks. Randy was thoroughly unconscious.

Levi realized that he was gasping for air, and he could hear his own heartbeat in his ears. He stared down at the unconscious body on the ground. Levi watched when he saw Erwin begin to back away. 

When Erwin took a few steps back, he stared down at Randy. He hadn't meant to take it so far. He only meant to make sure that Randy would drop the gun. But now Randy was bleeding. Erwin looked down at himself. There was blood on his clothes. More importantly, there was blood on his boots, his new boots that Levi had given him. He had ruined them. Erwin turned his gaze back on Randy. 

“We should call the police,” Erwin said. 

“Erwin,” Levi whispered. Erwin didn't look up at Levi. He hadn't heard Levi walk up next to him. “There's blood on your boots.” Finally, Erwin lifted his eyes from the body on the ground and looked at Levi. There wasn't any emotion in his cold blue eyes. Levi couldn't find any determination or anger. His face was completely blank. “Let me clean them for you.” Only seconds passed, but Levi felt like they stood there, staring at each other, for far too long. It only made his pulse quicken. If Erwin called the police, he could be arrested whether it was considered self-defense of not. Levi didn't want Erwin to go through the hassle of dealing with the police. If the school found out what Erwin had done, his job could be threatened. Everything they had built together was threatened already. Levi felt it. 

“Alright,” Erwin said. 

Levi moved quickly. He went to the bathroom door and opened it with the key that Randy had dropped. Without any words, Erwin was following Levi's train of thought. He stepped towards Randy, leaned down, and grabbed Randy by his arms. Erwin looked around, seeing no one, before he started dragging Randy back into the bathroom. He leaned the unconscious man against one of the grimy walls and stepped back, staring at what he had done to Randy's face. His left eye was already swelling and his nose was very broken, probably from the contact with Erwin's knee.

“Hold the door,” Levi said. Erwin reached out, holding the bathroom door open. Levi disappeared for a moment before returning with Randy's gun, holding it by the trigger guard. Levi stepped into the bathroom, dropped the gun in the filthy toilet with a heavy splash and a clink of the grimy porcelain when the metal hit the bottom.

With most of the evidence covered, Levi backed out of the bathroom, and Erwin stepped out with him. Levi startled when Erwin slammed the bathroom door and began walking away from him, his hands shoved firmly into his pockets. Levi wondered if Erwin's hands were hurting yet. Levi followed Erwin closely, staring up at him while they walked.

“Levi,” Erwin said.

“Yeah.”

“Go into the store and tell the attendant that the bathroom door is locked and no one answered when you knocked-”

“Erwin-”

“Do it,” Erwin said calmly. Erwin lifted his head and looked around the edges of the store. Levi glanced up, realizing that Erwin was looking for cameras. As far as either of them could see, there weren't any. Levi walked faster than Erwin and passed him. He took the time to look for more cameras along the side of the building. There weren't any cameras on the exterior except for near the front door. The store could only afford to put them near the gas pumps and on the inside. He put his hands in his pockets and walked to the front of the building.

When Levi stepped in the store, there was a line of people standing at the counter again.

“The bathroom is locked, and when I knocked no one answered,” Levi called to the cashier. “Do you have another key?” The cashier stopped working with her current customer and sighed with frustration.

“Yes,” she whined. “Someone must have locked the key in there again. Sorry, sir. It will be a minute before I can come back there and unlock it for you.”

“I can't wait,” Levi said. “Have a nice day.”

“You too!” she called. Levi stepped out of the store and walked over to Erwin's vehicle again. Erwin was sitting in the passenger side of the running car. He wasn't looking in Levi's direction. Levi opened the driver's side door and climbed into the big vehicle. Levi opened the center console and pulled out his bottle of hand sanitizer. He handed it to Erwin.

“Clean up,” Levi muttered. Erwin looked at the bottle Levi was trying to hand him and didn't move to take it. Instead of waiting for Erwin to take the bottle, Levi just dropped it in his lap. Levi took his time to adjust Erwin's mirrors so he could see everything without having to crane his neck. Then, he adjusted the seat and steering wheel so he could reach the pedals easier. After buckling his safety belt, he was nervous about driving the big vehicle. His tiny car was easy to control, but the big SUV was unfamiliar. Levi kept himself calm while he reversed out of the parking space.

They drove away from the gas station and didn't say a word to each other. Erwin finally opened the bottle of hand sanitizer and poured a generous amount in one hand. He held his hands over the floorboard of the car, rubbing them together. His hands weren't bleeding, but he did have some of Randy's blood on his pants leg.

Levi still needed to relieve his bladder. At the next stop light, he opened the Gatorade bottle that Erwin had bought and rolled down his window. He poured all of the liquid out and pulled the bottle back into the car. Glancing up at the traffic light and seeing that it was still red, Levi quickly unzipped his pants and pulled his cock out. He pissed into the bottle and couldn't avoid releasing a breath of relief. Once the adrenaline had worn off, he realized that his bladder was hurting. When he was finished, he shook his member a couple of times, trying to rid it of the remaining moisture before he capped the bottle again. Levi put his cock away and zipped up. He returned the bottle to the cup holder in the center console.

Erwin had the hand sanitizer ready, and Levi held out his right hand. When Erwin had poured some of the liquid into Levi's hands, Levi ran his hands together to distribute it. He shook his hands until they felt dry. Erwin put the hand sanitizer back in the center console and closed the top.

Then, Levi rolled up the window until it was an inch from the top of the seal. He pulled a cigarette out of his pack and lit it, popping the menthol capsule just before the light finally turned green. The cigarette tasted good, and Levi realized that it was thrilling to see Erwin fight. It had been a long time since he had seen anyone move like that. It wasn't a fair fight because Erwin had two lifetimes that involved combat training, but Levi was trying to focus on anything other than the burning anxiety in his gut. The things that Randy had said were replaying in Levi's mind, and he was trying to drown them out. Everything that Randy had said was true. But he had hoped that Erwin would never have to know. He hoped that they were finally getting to the point that they could pretend Levi's addiction was a nightmare. The beach trip had helped, but it wouldn't protect him from the reality of what he had done. They had returned to where he had lived part of that nightmare. Running into someone that he knew from that time was bound to happen one day, but Levi resented, fucking hated, that it had to happen as soon as they were on their way home from their first holiday spent together, his first birthday with Erwin. He resented that Erwin had to be involved at all. 

On the drive home, Levi would occasionally look over at Erwin. Erwin kept his hands in his lap, and Levi could see they were already turning red under his skin. Levi was glad that Erwin had the fighting sense to not hit Randy in the mouth and possibly cut his knuckles on Randy's nasty fucking teeth. Erwin looked distracted, but Levi had no idea what to say to him. He resented that he wanted Erwin's attention.

The drive home was silent, and Levi found his mind wandering to what they would have for dinner since they obviously weren't going to be able to stop anywhere. It made him feel morbid to think of such a trivial thing, but he couldn't help it. Fear was boiling up in his stomach, making it roll. Levi finished his cigarette and rolled up his window after he deposited the butt into the portable ashtray Erwin had bought for him.

Levi kept waiting for Erwin to say something to him. Or do something. Simply, acknowledge his presence. But the contact, the words, didn't happen. It only made the fear raise up into his arms, and he saw that his hands were shaking. Not knowing what was happening with Erwin was one of the worst things that Levi could imagine, and it wasn't the first time that he had to deal with the silence. In there first life, there were times that Erwin had hidden things from him. After Erwin lost his arm, he was different. Their relationship changed, and Levi distinctly remembered feeling of Erwin shutting him out. 

When Levi turned onto the street where they lived, he drove down to the house and parked in the driveway. It blocked his car that was still in the closed garage, but he could move Erwin's vehicle later. There were more important things to do. Levi looked over at Erwin and realized that Erwin hadn't even buckled up for the drive. That pissed Levi off. If a police officer had pulled them over for that, then they would have to fumble to explain the blood on Erwin's pants leg. Maybe that's what Erwin wanted. He couldn't know.

Levi opened his door and stepped out. Erwin got out the vehicle, slamming the door behind himself. Levi stood at his side of the vehicle watching Erwin stalk up to the front door. He turned back to the lean into door of the vehicle and took out his cigarettes and their phones, putting them in his pockets, and then he picked up the bottle he had pissed in earlier. Everything else could wait.

Levi closed the driver's side door and locked the vehicle with the key remote. Quickly, Levi walked down to the edge of the driveway to Erwin's outside trash can. He opened the lid, tossed the piss bottle inside and dropped the lid back down again. Levi didn't want to go into the house, but he forced himself to walk back up the concrete driveway and move to the front door. The only comfort he found was that Erwin had left the front door open for him.

Levi walked into the front door, closing it behind himself, and hung up Erwin's keys on the hook of the hall tree. He put their phones down. It took him a few minutes to pull off his combat boots even though he unlaced them quickly. When they were off, Levi pushed them under the bench and stood again. Levi picked everything he had put down and walked through the foyer to the kitchen. Erwin wasn't there, but Levi did see Erwin's boots. They were next to the kitchen island, blood still spattered over the beautiful leather. Levi narrowed his eyes at them. He swallowed and prepared himself for what he needed to do. He took Erwin's phone out of his pocket and set it on the island, leaving his own phone and the cigarette pack in his pockets. 

Levi walked through the house as silently as he could in his sock feet. He listened for Erwin's movements, but couldn't hear anything. When he turned to walk into their bedroom, he heard the sink faucet running in the bathroom. He hoped that Erwin was washing his hands, maybe planning to take a shower next. He wasn't sure how long it would take to clean his boots.

After crossing the room quietly, Levi knelt down on the floor and reached under Erwin's bed. He pulled out the leather polishing kit he had hidden against one of the legs of the bed frame. Levi grabbed the kit by the handle and stood up from the floor again. Levi didn't know why, but he was terrified to even make a noise that Erwin might hear. He held the kit close to his chest in both arms while he walked out of the bathroom and back down the hallway. Stopping by the kitchen island, he picked up Erwin's boots, careful not to touch the blood and walked to the back door.

Levi went to the back porch, tapping the light on, and put the boots down on the concrete. Setting the kit in one of the chairs, Levi went back into the house for water. When he returned to the porch with a big, stainless steel bowl of warm water, Levi sat sideways in one of the lounge chairs and looked at the boots. The right boot had enough blood on it that Levi was worried that it might have already stained the leather. He took the kit out of the chair and put it down next to Erwin’s boots. 

The kit Levi had prepared was in a small black tackle box. He flipped the latches up and opened the lid. After inspecting the things in the kit, Levi settled on warm water, a good scrubbing saddle soap and the brush and then reapplying polish. Levi pulled out a pair of black latex gloves from the kit and put them on before he began the process.

Levi started by holding the bloodied boots over the grass next to the porch and rinsing them off with the warm water. The blood on the left boot washed off rather easily. Once they were rinsed, Levi sat back down with the boots and bowl, scrubbing the leather gently with the brush. His gray eyes focused completely on the task, absolutely resolved that the boots would look brand new when he gave them back to Erwin. Levi knew that he had made a mess of everything, and even if he could never be clean of dope or his old life, he was going to make fucking sure that Erwin had clean boots. After he felt like they had been cleaned as thoroughly as they could without damaging the leather, he dropped the brush to the concrete . He ripped off the gloves that might possibly have blood on them, put on a new pair and took an old military issue sock out of the kit so he could start applying polish. Occasionally, his eyes would raise from his work to stare at the frayed brush laying on the cold concrete, waiting to be discarded. The bristles were stained pink from absorbing the blood that was too dry to simply be rinsed away.

The anxiety only began to truly ease when Levi started polishing the boots, pressing the sock against the leather, rubbing in small, tight circles. Once the right boot was finished, Levi ripped off his right glove and dropped it on the concrete over the brush. He reached into his pocket, pulled out his cigarettes, and lit one for himself. Once it was lit and the capsule in the filter was crushed, Levi put on another glove and began polishing the left boot. He smoked the cigarette almost without using his hands. A few times, he would take it out of his mouth, not even bothering with a new glove, not caring that he stained the filter with some of the brown polish. The smell of polish was comforting to him. When he exhaled smoke into the air, he would stare at the boots, feeling like maybe he could make up for what happened. Maybe Erwin wouldn't blame him. But he knew that couldn't be true. And what Randy had said still echoed in Levi's mind. Not only the words, but the images that came with them. The images of kneeling in front of Randy, literally begging for another hit. Levi shook his head closing his eyes tightly trying to forget what Randy looked like naked. He wanted to forget. He wished that he had been able to be high while he did it, but he couldn't. Randy hated it when he nodded off, and then it only made Randy's desires near fucking unbearable. That's why Levi had been violent with him before too, mostly verbally. Sometimes their altercations had become physical. But it was never as brutal as what Erwin had done.

With a gasp, Levi opened his eyes and looked back down at the right boot. It wasn't finished. He dropped his cigarette into the butt can and devoted himself to his work. They had to be perfect. For Erwin, something had to be perfect for once. Levi felt a curling tightness in his chest, under his sternum. He was going to have to look at Erwin. And there was no where to go now. They were living together. If he ran back to his apartment, he would be a coward. Levi swallowed heavily when he finished the right boot. Gently, he set it down, and he visually inspected them, hoping there might be something else he could do. But he couldn't

Levi pulled his gloves off and dropped them on top of the ones he had dropped earlier. He stared at them. He wasn't ready to look at Erwin. Automatically, Levi reached into his pocket again. He pulled out his cell phone, dialed Derricks number and pulled out another cigarette. Levi noticed his hands were shaking again when he went to light the tip of his cigarette. If he was cold outside, he couldn't feel it.

“Hello?” Derrick asked.

“Hey.”

“Oh, hey. Can you hold on a second?”

“Yeah,” Levi grunted. He closed his eyes, leaned forward over his knees and waited patiently. There was mumbling on the other end of the phone, and he wondered what he had interrupted.

“I'm back,” Derrick said.

“Is it a bad time?”

“No,” Derrick said, with a small laugh. “We're at my wife's parent's house still, and I could use a break. What's up? How was your Christmas vacation?”

“Great,” Levi said with a small smile. He wished that he could tell Derrick all about it. More than anything, Levi wished that this was a good phone call instead of a crisis.

“Was it really?” Derrick cleared his throat. Levi dragged on his cigarette and waited. “I wish I could have been at the beach instead of Tennessee.”

“Is it cold up there?” Levi asked, exhaling smoke.

“Yeah,” Derrick said. “I'm just ready to go home, you know? I like being at home.” Levi opened his eyes and stared at the porch ceiling. He wished that he wanted to be at home. “Rough day or something? You're quiet.”

“Shit day,” Levi said, dropping his eyes back down the ground. But he couldn't look at the boots anymore. He closed his eyes instead and took a drag on his cigarette.

“So close after Christmas,” Derrick said. “That sucks.”

“I ran into one of my dealers today,” Levi said. “My boyfriend was with me.”

“Oh,” Derrick said. Levi knew that he had conveyed his message perfectly by the tone of Derrick's voice. “Which one?”

“The one I talk about in group the most,” Levi said.

“Oh, God,” Derrick groaned. “Is everyone okay?”

“No,” Levi said.

“Did you hurt him?”

“Erwin did.”

“Fuck,” Derrick breathed. “What happened?”

“It was so fast,” Levi said. “Randy was talking shit. He had a gun. Erwin started hitting him.” Levi dragged on his cigarette, annoyed that his hands were shaking so much that it was hard to hold the filter in his mouth. He exhaled.

“Where was this?”

“Behind a fucking gas station,” Levi said. “The bathrooms.”

“Gas station bathrooms,” Derrick said. “Sounds appropriate.” Levi scoffed, but it almost sounded like a laugh.

“I guess Randy was out selling.”

“Probably,” Derrick said.

“I’m sure he was high too,” Levi said. “But Erwin hit him so hard.”

“Do you think he killed him?”

“No,” Levi said. “No, I know he didn't.” Levi flicked his cigarette nervously. “He hasn't said a fucking word to me, Derrick. This is it for us-”

“Don't do that,” Derrick warned. “Don't take that decision away from him, Landon.”

“I can feel it,” Levi said. “I know this is it.” He dropped his cigarette on the concrete, not caring where it landed before he covered his eyes with his hand. “He wouldn't even look at me. Randy said, just-”

“Fuck whatever Randy said, Landon,” Derrick said. “Listen to me. Alright?”

“Fuck you,” Levi whispered. The prickling of tears started in his eyes, but he refused. He wasn't going to cry over this bullshit.

“Don't take power from Erwin,” Derrick said. “Do you remember that? Don't take something from him just because dope has stolen something from you.” Levi sniffled and cleared his throat. He took his hand away from his eyes and rubbed at them quickly. His hand came away from his face dry.

“Tell me that again,” Levi said. “Take me through the whole thing.”

“What was your ranking relationship with him in the military?”

“He was my superior.”

“But your relationship didn't always function that way, did it. Maybe on paper he was your superior, but how did the relationship actually work?”

“Equal,” Levi said. “He might have been my superior, but he depended on my skills. I moved independently of him unless under direct order. I had my own team, my own subordinates to take care of. We needed cooperation from each other for every objective.”

“And that dynamic is disrupted now,” Derrick explained. “Because addiction has taken some of your power from you.” Levi nodded.

“Yeah,” Levi said.

“You were equals, not in rank, but within your personal dynamic you were equals. Now, the power isn't equal anymore. Addiction is the third party in your relationship. Addiction takes power too.” Levi's eyes lost focus while he thought about Derrick's words. “Dope puts you at a disadvantage, and you don't know how to take power back from it. So, you take power from the other major force in your life to make yourself feel like you're more in control. If you insist that he's going to leave you, then you take that choice away from him, Landon. Don't take something that important away from him.” Levi picked up his pack and pulled another cigarette out. Even if he hadn't finished the one that was laying on the concrete, he had to do something with his hands. Levi lit his cigarette, crushed the capsule and thought about Derrick's words. “Not to mention, it sounds like he really lost his shit when he met Randy, for whatever reason. Why do you think he would do that?”

“Because Randy had a gun,” Levi said.

“It just gets worse,” Derrick said with a sigh. “The guy would've shot you, Landon. I'm glad Erwin was with you.”

“I'm not. Erwin shouldn't have to deal with that. Erwin doesn't want anyone to get hurt,” Levi said. _“I'm hurting him,”_ Levi thought.

“No,” Derrick demanded. “Tell yourself the truth. He didn't want you to be hurt.” Levi dragged on his cigarette, pulling the smoke into his lungs. He held the breath for so long that his body protested the smoke, and when he exhaled he coughed. But he would do anything to avoid saying what Derrick was telling him. “Landon, what are you doing to yourself?” Levi coughed a bit more before he cleared his throat. “It's alright to admit it.”

“When I go in there,” Levi started, he swallowed. “When I go back in this house, we're going to have to talk about it. Erwin won't let me not talk about it.”

“Then talk about it!”

“I can't fucking say anything to him!” Levi yelled. “We were in a war, Derrick! We didn't fucking talk about our feelings! There wasn't any time for that shit!”

“There's time for it now,” Derrick insisted.

“I don't want it!”

“That's too bad,” Derrick said, completely calm, normal volume. “This is how a relationship works, Landon. If you can talk to me about this, you have to talk to him.” Levi gritted his teeth. That's what he had said to the man he was sponsoring before. There had been times that Levi had to beat into Stephen's head that nothing could be fixed until he actually talked to his wife, and now Derrick was feeding him the same lines. “If you want him, you'll do it.” He wanted to hang up. Levi wanted to take the phone away from his ear and end the call. But if he did that, then Logan, the guy who would sell him some benzos, was only a phone call away. It would be too easy.

“I can't say anything to him because what Randy said was true,” Levi admitted.

“Doesn't matter,” Derrick said. “Before I met my wife, I knew a lot of shitty people, Landon. You know how it is. You jump from one person to another, looking for the hook up, begging someone to sit with you while you nod off. It's not fun when you're alone.” Levi nodded, remembering what Derrick was talking about in his own life. There were times that he couldn't remember, but he had almost always found the weakest, filthiest people to be around, and it shamed him more than anything. “I've run into one of my old ghosts too, I get it. Walking skeletons in female skin wondering if I'm still selling. It brings up so much bad shit, Landon, I know. And I can't imagine how much worse it could have been if my wife had been with me when it happened. Or if there was a gun involved. Or if someone got hurt. I honestly cannot even guess how that feels. But you're options are to either face him or run. That's it. That's where you are.” Levi nodded again, trying to find the resolve that he knew he had at one point. Dope had taken a lot of things from him, but he couldn't let it take Erwin. He sure as fuck wasn't about to surrender Erwin to something as disgusting as seeing Randy again.

“Thank you,” Levi muttered.

“What are you going to do?” Derrick asked, there was a hint of concern in his voice, but Levi didn't feel coddled. That's why he had picked Derrick. Derrick never pitied him. Not even once. And he had told Derrick some pretty horrible shit. It was like the man didn't have an ounce of judgment in his body.

“I have to try,” Levi said.

“Alright,” Derrick said. “I don't know this guy, but you've told me you trust him. If it doesn't work out, call me back, I'll come home.”

“Don't-”

“I want to come home so badly,” Derrick said, with an obvious smile. “I don't care what it takes. If I could lie to my wife worth a damn, I'd tell her that I need to be at home for you. But she sees right through me.” Levi smiled.

“If it goes to shit, I'll call you,” Levi said.

“If it goes well, text me or something,” Derrick said.

“I will,” Levi said. “Thank you.”

“See you in group this week?”

“Yeah.”

“Bye.”

“Bye,” Levi said, taking the phone from his ear and ending the call. He set his cell phone on the chair next to him and tried to focus on finishing his cigarette. Levi flicked the cigarette in his hand nervously. He strongly considered ending his relationship with Erwin.

For a few minutes, Levi ran through the scenario in his head. First, he would have to explain to Erwin that he didn't want to be together anymore, and he wasn't sure that Erwin would believe him. But maybe Erwin wouldn't fight him over it. Maybe Erwin was tired of his shit already. Then, Levi imagined moving back to his apartment, being alone again. He wouldn't allow himself to see any of the other veterans.

_“But then what would I have left?”_ Levi wondered. He would still have the NA program. He would have Derrick and Stephen. Levi rested his forehead in his hand while he thought. He took a drag on his cigarette. Running away really sounded like a good idea, but he would lose everything again. If he couldn't talk to Erwin, he might as well be high. And if he was going to be high, he couldn't have Erwin. It was the ugliest circle he could imagine. _“Erwin might do all of the talking for me,”_ Levi thought. _“He gets it. He understands. He always has.”_ Levi took a final drag on his cigarette before reaching down to collect the butt he had dropped earlier. He tossed both of them into the butt can before he began packing up his polishing kit.

When the kit was packed up, Levi stood, grabbed the trash in one hand, slipped his arm through the handle of tackle box and picked up Erwin's boots with his free hand. He moved to the back door and struggled to open it with his hands full. With the door unlatched, Levi pressed the door open with his foot and stepped into the house. He closed the door behind him and looked over to the kitchen. Erwin was standing at the kitchen island with both of his hands resting on the counter. He had frozen vegetables packs on top of his hands, and he was staring across the house at Levi. Erwin's hair was damp and fell loosely over his forehead. Levi swallowed and broke eye contact. He kept his head down while he moved through the house to walk down the hallway.

In Erwin's bedroom, Levi went to the closet. He put Erwin's boots in plain sight on Erwin's side, and he set the polishing kit next to the boots. Levi grimaced when he realized that their things were still in the vehicle, including the inserts that were supposed to be in Erwin's boots. Kneeling down, Levi laid the boots on their sides so the tops wouldn't fold over and bend while they were without support. Then, he stood and left the closet to go to the bathroom and throw away the trash in his hand.

Levi felt some relief when his task was finished. He washed his hands, scrubbing roughly, scratching his fingernails of one hand into the palm of the opposite hand, hoping that he hadn't gotten any blood on his skin. Levi lifted his eyes to the mirror when he heard a noise, and he saw Erwin walk into the open bathroom door. He finished rinsing his hands, and he dried them. Erwin hadn't said anything to him yet, and the silence was too heavy.

“Let me see your hands,” Levi said, laying the towel back on the counter. He turned, leaned against the bathroom counter and watched as Erwin approached him. Erwin held out his hands which were swollen and already red. When Levi took Erwin's hands in his own, he felt that they were still cold, and he ran his thumb over Erwin's knuckles. There weren't any scrapes or tears in his skin. “Did you break anything?” Levi asked. Levi let Erwin's hands go, and he watched while Erwin showed him that he could move each finger individually. Then, Erwin made fists, and Levi looked at his big knuckles. None of them were sunken in, and Erwin didn't seem to have any problems with mobility. “Do you feel any sharp pain or is one knuckle more stiff than the rest?”

“My hands are fine, Levi,” Erwin muttered. Levi lifted his eyes to Erwin's, looking for the reason behind the soft tone in his voice. “I'm more concerned about you than my hands.”

“Why?” Levi asked. He knew why, but he still didn't feel ready. Levi had no idea what he could say to Erwin to make everything better. Erwin didn't seem to want to answer the question.

“Let me tell you what happened,” Erwin said.

“I was there. I know what happened.”

“Let me explain,” Erwin insisted. Levi paused, still searching Erwin's, but he nodded anyway. Erwin smiled at him gently. “I recognized his voice.” Levi's eyebrows furrowed. “I heard his voice the first night I found you.” Levi shook his head, speechless. He didn't want to talk about that again. “The night that I found you, I threw my cell phone to you.”

“Yeah.”

“I called you, and you were already high,” Erwin muttered. “You asked for me to stay with you until you fell asleep. Sometime after you had fallen asleep, he came into the room and offered to give you a speedball. So, I yelled into the phone for you to wake up, and the call ended.” He hadn't imagined that Erwin could remember Randy's voice from a single phone call. “Today when you saw that man, you became instantly tense. And when he spoke, you were so shocked that you didn't notice his stance.” Levi narrowed his eyes at Erwin's words. “You should have been able to see that he was uncomfortable,” Erwin explained.

“He's never owned a gun,” Levi whispered.

“Whether or not he's owned it for long, he's still not very comfortable with it,” Erwin said. “And when you turned your back on him, he reached for his waistband.” Levi swallowed and broke eye contact. His eyes dropped down to Erwin's bare feet, but his eyes lost focus, thinking over the situation again. He had been too quick to turn his back on Randy. He knew that now. But he couldn't remember why he had done it. Everything had happened too fast. “You shouldn't let anyone speak to you that way, Levi.”

“I don't,” Levi murmured. He remembered exactly what Randy said, and the words made a knot in his throat that was too hard to swallow. But he hadn't intended to turn his back and walk away. It had been involuntary.

“I saw my Captain today,” Erwin said. Levi automatically raised his eyes and looked to Erwin. Erwin was smiling at him, that gentle curve of his lips and the look of pride in his eyes. “You still take care of me, don't you, Levi?” Levi felt the tension in his chest first. It had come and gone while he was polishing the boots, but it was becoming overwhelming. He felt like it was difficult to stay on his feet. His chest hurt so much. “He could have killed you before I even had a chance to touch you again.” Levi squeezed his eyes closed at the words. He knew it was true, but it was too hard to face. Even the idea of not being able to speak to Erwin because of Randy made Levi feel angry, but the anger was quickly swallowed by shame and pure regret. When he felt Erwin's hand on his cheek, he jumped, opened his eyes and leaned back. Erwin let his hand drop back to his side, and the guilt surfaced in Levi's chest faster than he could stop it. He had pulled away from Erwin. “Why are you trembling?”

Levi hadn't realized that he was trembling, but he lifted his hands and looked at them. When he breathed in his chest burned, and exhaling was damn near impossible. Levi gasped for air, and when he looked up at Erwin, he saw the the worry. His chest was tight, too tight to breathe properly.

“Can you breathe?” Erwin asked. Levi shook his head. Slowly, Erwin lifted one swollen hand and took Levi's hand, holding it gently. The pain in Levi's chest was spreading from his sternum down into his rib cage. The pressure was too much.

“I need a Klonopin,” Levi gasped. Erwin nodded.

“Where are they?”

“My bag,” Levi winced. It hurt to speak. Erwin let go of Levi's hands and stepped over to the shower. He opened the door and turned on the warm water.

“Get in the shower,” Erwin said. “I'll bring your medicine to you.” Still gasping for air, Levi leaned away from the counter and undressed quickly, tossing his clothing to the floor. Naked, he stepped into the shower and closed the door a little too hard. The noise startled him and he inhaled some of the water from the stream. He coughed the liquid out of his mouth and wiped his face. But instead of stepping away from the shower, Levi tilted his head up, letting the water hit his face directly. His head was spinning, his chest burned, and he couldn't grasp anything. There wasn't anything to hold onto anymore. He had tried so hard to hide everything from Erwin only to have all of the ugliness of his addiction directly confront them. And he didn't know how to handle it.

“Levi,” Erwin said. Levi turned his face away from the water and opened his eyes. Erwin was standing at the shower door, which was now open. Levi hadn't even heard him come back in the room. His head was too busy. Everything was so loud that he could barely hear anything anymore. “The shower isn't helping?” Erwin asked. He held his hand out, offering Levi a single pill.

“I need two,” Levi gasped. Instantly, the shame of hearing his own junkie words ran through his head. It was such a junkie thing to say. Always demand more. Stay greedy.

“You'll take another at bedtime, remember?” Erwin asked. Levi reached out and took the pill. He put it in his mouth and crunched it between his teeth. Then, he pushed the pieces of the pill around until they were under his tongue. Klonopin had a mild, minty flavor to it. He could let the entire pill dissolve under his tongue. It was nothing like the bitter chemical taste of Xanax. But it didn't work as well. It was such a low dosage, and he had taken it for too long. There wasn't going to be any high from it. It would only help him calm down, even if it may have only been a placebo effect at that point.

After he swallowed what was left of the pill, Levi lifted his face to the water and focused on the feeling of it hitting his eyelids. He stayed that way until the water began to cool off, and that felt uncomfortable. He was tired of feeling cold. He wanted to be warm, and nothing made him warmer than shooting up. Levi couldn't stop his mind from wandering to where he wanted to be. He wanted to be anywhere else. And he wanted a needle full of dope in his hand. He wanted to feel the rubber band between his teeth before the bite of the needle. Because all of that would lead to an extreme warmth, the warmest he's ever been. Then, the euphoria would come. Everything would be wonderful.

The water was too cold, and Levi stepped out of the stream. He picked up the bar of soap and started lathering up his skin. By the time he rinsed off, the water was like ice, but he forced himself to wash his hair anyway. Seeing Randy had also reminded him of how filthy he was. There were times that he was too high to shower or bathe for days. He knew that he smelled when he went out in public because people kept their distance. He hated that. He didn't want to feel filthy anymore. Levi made quick work of washing and rinsing out his hair, gritting his teeth and forcing himself to stay under the freezing water until his hair was rinsed.

Levi turned off the shower faucet and opened the shower door. He reached over to his towel and yanked it down from the bar. After he finished drying his hair, Levi dried his face and opened his eyes. Erwin was leaning against the bathroom counter, waiting on him. Quickly, Levi dried off as much as he could. When he hung his towel back up, he saw that Erwin was holding out some clothes for him. A white, cotton shirt and his own black sweatpants. Levi stepped forward, took the clothes and put them on. He noticed that the clothing he had discarded earlier had already been removed from the floor. It killed him how considerate Erwin was.

“Come here,” Erwin said. Levi pulled at the cotton shirt on his body. It was Erwin's. It was too big. Levi moved over to Erwin cautiously. Erwin leaned away from the bathroom counter. “Come look in the mirror.” Internally, Levi recoiled at the idea, but he noticed that it was easier to breathe. Maybe the Klonopin had worked; he wasn't sure. “Trust me.”

That was all it took. Erwin wanted to tell him something, and Levi knew that he wouldn't understand unless Erwin showed him. Levi swallowed heavily and stepped over to the bathroom counter. He stood in front of mirror, but avoided direct eye contact with himself. He looked at his damp hair and the white shirt on his chest. When he saw Erwin move behind him, Levi watched Erwin's face. Erwin wasn't wearing a facial expression. His face was so blank that it was unsettling. But slowly, Erwin moved closer until Levi could feel his broad chest against his own back. Something about that simple touch was so familiar, and Levi felt a relief spread in his chest that was so massive that he thought he might hit his knees. Instead, he leaned back into Erwin, almost physically begging for the support. The position was Erwin's way of saying _I'm here. I've got your back_. And Levi needed it so badly.

With his chest pressed to Levi's back, Erwin pressed forward until Levi's hips were resting against the counter. Then, Erwin leaned forward and put his hands down on either side of Levi's. Levi's eyes dropped to Erwin's hands when they came into view. They were hideously red and more swollen than earlier. They needed to be iced again. That's when Levi wondered how long he had spent in the shower. His eyes automatically looked to his own forearms, looking at the thick scars. The shirt wasn't long enough to cover them. 

“Levi,” Erwin said. Levi's eyes darted to the mirror, and he found Erwin's blue gaze. “Look yourself in the eye.” Levi couldn't do it immediately. But he found his gray eyes in the mirror and stared. Instantly, his eyes lost focus, not willing to pull away but unable to take a deep look. “There was a time that I couldn't do that. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror.” Levi's eyes pulled away from his own reflection and went back to Erwin. “I know you don't remember that,” Erwin said. “But that time in my life was conveniently aligned with the time that I lost my arm. You shaved me and combed my hair until I learned how to do it myself. And you were such a help to me that I didn't need a mirror to shave after that.” Levi's eyes left Erwin when he saw the touch of sadness. He wasn't going to look at that. He would rather stare himself dead in the eye than see Erwin like that. A shiver raced up his spine when Erwin leaned down closer to his ear. “Let yourself feel clean,” Erwin whispered. “You aren't that person anymore.”

“I'm still that person,” Levi snapped. He closed his eyes. He hadn't intended for it to come out that way. But it was true. He could revert back to that life any time. “Two lives is too much.”

“I like this one better,” Erwin said. Levi scoffed and opened his eyes. He couldn't hide the look of disbelief on his face when he met Erwin's gaze.

“You're fucked up,” Levi said. “It would've been better for both of us if we had never met.” The words stung, but Erwin's facial expression didn't change. Levi didn't agree with his own words. He still wanted Erwin. If he was going to have to go through the trials of another life, he wanted Erwin by his side. But if he imagined if they had never met again, maybe Erwin could have had a normal life.

“I don't think better is what you mean,” Erwin said. His facial expression didn't change, but he maintained eye contact.

“Tell me what I mean then,” Levi said.

“I think you mean to say easier. But that's simply not true. I was engaged to a woman before I found you,” Erwin said. He paused and let the words sink in. Levi knew that Erwin expected surprise, but Levi didn't feel the emotion surface. It wasn't that surprising to think of Erwin being engaged. Levi did break eye contact though, his gray eyes falling down to look at Erwin's hands again. “I would've married her and began my own counseling practice. And you would've continued your way of life until you decided you wanted a change or until you died. I wouldn't have been happy.”

“Tch.”

“I mean it,” Erwin insisted. “Mike followed me everywhere, Levi, and it never felt genuine. He didn't have a drive or ambitions of his own. He only followed mine, and I never understood why. I would've been laying in bed next to a woman at night and dreaming of a man that I never knew. That's too many mysteries for me to stand. Maybe my life would have been easier, but it would been so unsatisfying.” Erwin paused, noticing that Levi's body tension seemed to ease. Levi's fingers were fidgeting against the smooth counter.

“You saved my life,” Levi said. He nodded and glanced up at Erwin to show his sincerity. But he couldn't hold the eye contact. Levi looked back down at his hands and forced himself to stop fidgeting. “You're right. I would have died. I didn't have anything.”

“I felt the same way,” Erwin said. “You know me so well, Levi. Can you imagine how confusing it was for me to be running in a single direction through life but never knowing my destination? I didn't have anything. I couldn't figure out how to truly earn anything, and I couldn't decide how to,” Erwin paused, struggling for the words. He looked away from the mirror for the first time, trying to think of what he wanted to say. When Erwin paused, Levi looked up at Erwin's face. It was so rare for Erwin to be at a loss for words. “I was always searching for a place to belong.” Erwin was satisfied with those words and looked up. He met Levi's gaze again. “I belong near you.” Levi's gray eyes settled on Erwin's blue eyes.

“Back then, I always felt so much more powerful near you Erwin. We made each other better. But it's not that way this time. I can't be better.” Pain flashed over Erwin's face before he could catch it. He quickly composed himself, but Levi had already seen it. Levi had never admitted defeat before. When Erwin felt Levi's right pinky finger delicately pressing against his thumb, he knew to press further. Levi was torn. He wanted to be comforted but didn't know how to ask for it.

“Levi,” Erwin muttered. “You're already better, but you let him take that away from you today.”  
Levi immediately broke eye contact and hung his head again. The words cut deeply and quickly. The shame and regret washed over him so fast that it made his head spin. “Take it back. Let yourself be clean today.”

Levi's closed his eyes quickly. The word hurt, but that pain was slowly being replaced with the numb feeling of his anti-anxiety medication that had finally worked. He wished that he felt high, but instead he only felt apathetic. But he noticed that it was much more comfortable to feel nothing than to feel the immobilizing agitation of anxiety. 

When Levi felt Erwin's lips on the curve of his neck and shoulder, he almost flinched. He wasn't ready to be touched, especially kissed. But Erwin's lips were so gentle, tentative. Then, he felt the heat of Erwin fully flattening his mouth against his skin, and that eased the tension in his spine finally. He hadn't even realized that he had been that tense. The gentle air of Erwin's breath rushing over his skin helped. He counted Erwin's breaths and squeezed his eyes shut tighter. Levi wished that Erwin could burn all of the opium out of his blood with that kiss. And the feeling of Erwin's mouth separating from his skin was harsh for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not quite February. I've had this chapter written for several months, and I'm tired of looking at it. 
> 
> Thank you to Sithiere for beta reading this chapter for me. 
> 
> I appreciate that all of you have been so patient while I took a break. I feel a lot better now, and I think I can complete this story within the next few months. I'm not sure when the next chapter will be out, but hopefully it will be published within the next couple of weeks. I appreciate your continued support so much, and I hope that you'll enjoy the way this story develops.


	25. December 31, 2014 / January 1, 2015

Three days later, Levi's skin was still crawling. It was taking all of his concentration to maintain a semblance of normal, but he knew that he was failing.

“You've been quiet the last few days,” Mary said. Levi looked up from his cup of tea and gave her a half smile. He could feel how unconvincing the expression was on his own face. Mary hadn't been as talkative either. She had been reading something on her phone instead.

“Just tired from vacation, I guess,” Levi said, lifting his cup to his mouth to hide the false smile. 

“But going to the beach was nice?” Mary asked. 

“Yeah,” Levi said. “I wish we could have stayed longer.” Mary nodded before she stood from the table to get something from the refrigerator. 

“Sometimes a vacation can be kind of exhausting,” she said. 

“I guess that's it.” Levi finished his cup of tea quickly and tossed the paper cup in the trash, mumbling a goodbye to Mary. He went directly to the employee bathroom, closed the door behind him, and locked it. Leaning against the door, Levi closed his eyes to avoid the mirror across from him. He focused on breathing until he could feel air in the bottom of his lungs, and he pushed all of it out in heavy breaths. He just needed to last four more hours. If he could keep his shit together for four more hours, then he could go home. But that didn't feel very comforting anymore. He wasn't going home to be alone. He was going back to Erwin's house, where he would have to pretend to be alright again. 

Levi opened his eyes and looked up at the ceiling. 

_“Keep it together,”_ Levi told himself. _“Keep your shit together until group tomorrow. It's Thursday tomorrow. You can stay at the the apartment. Keep it together.”_ Levi swallowed and gathered all of his determination before he left the bathroom. 

If it hadn't been New Year's Eve, Levi would have told Erwin he wanted to stay at his apartment that night. But Erwin had written him letters about New Year's Eve. Levi didn't want to take that away from him. If Erwin wanted a New Year's Eve kiss, he was going to have it. Levi wanted to give him everything. 

During the drive home, Levi flipped through radio stations trying to find something that he wanted to hear. But instead, he just turned off the radio and lit a cigarette. He liked the feeling of smoke filling his lungs. He felt the nicotine relaxing him, felt the surge of nicotine replenishment from his head to his ankles. Going without nicotine for a long period of time and finally being able to satiate the craving always felt so good. He grimaced when his mind instantly made the connection to dope. He didn't have the cravings anymore. But he missed the relief on a daily basis. Levi finished his cigarette quickly and focused on driving. 

When he pulled into the driveway, Levi turned off the car engine, but he stayed sitting in the driver's seat for a while. He leaned forward and rested his head against the steering wheel. Coming home felt like a stage play. He pretended to be a Captain, when he was only an addict, and he pretended that he was alright when he wasn't. It wasn't necessary. He knew that he could talk to Erwin, but he didn't know the words to explain what went through his mind on a daily basis. There wasn't a way to number how many times he thought of dope during the day. He thought of it when he woke up, when he showered, when he ate, when he saw the dentist numb someone's gums with a syringe. And every time he thought of dope, he thought of Erwin. It was impossible to think of one without the other. 

Levi took a breath, leaning away from the steering wheel and opened the car door. He stepped out, locked the door, and walked over to the front door of the house.

He unlocked the door, stepped inside, making sure to close the door behind him quietly before he kicked off his shoes. Levi hung up his keys, pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and dropped it on the bench of the hall tree. Then, he turned and walked through the foyer. The smells coming from the kitchen made his stomach ache. 

Looking around the corner, Levi saw that Erwin was sitting up on top of the kitchen island, looking down at his phone and swinging his feet like a child. 

“Hey,” Levi said. Erwin startled, and looked over at Levi with wide eyes. 

“Levi,” he said with a wide smile. “I didn't hear you come in. Welcome home.” Levi smiled as a reflex to seeing Erwin smile. He walked into the kitchen and looked at the two slow cookers on the granite counter and the pans and pots on the eyes of the range. 

“Who are you feeding?” Levi asked. Erwin put his phone down, jumped down from the counter, and walked over to Levi. He leaned down, and automatically, Levi leaned up on his toes to kiss Erwin. It was quick, routine. 

“Just us,” Erwin said. Levi looked back at the range. “I have black-eyed peas in one slow cooker, collard greens in the other one, and mashed potatoes in one pot, green beans in another, there's a meatloaf in the oven.” 

“Did you get bored or something?” Levi asked, looking back up at Erwin with a grin. Erwin shrugged. 

“I've had so much time off, and you were at work. I stayed at the gym for two hours trying to figure out some new equipment,” he said with a smile, almost encouraging Levi to laugh at him. Levi only nodded, dropping his eyes from Erwin's gaze and turned to walk out of the kitchen. “Are you going for a shower?” 

“Yeah,” Levi said, walking towards the hallway. He lifted his eyes from the floor and looked to the end of the hallway. The door to Erwin's office was open, and light was shining out of the room. He was curious enough about what Erwin had done with his day to stop by the office and look inside. Nothing was out of place. Levi furrowed his eyebrows and walked into the bedroom to shed his scrubs. He threw his cell phone and cigarettes on the bed and tossed his clothing into the hamper before walking into the bathroom, closing the door behind himself. 

Avoiding the mirrors, Levi walked over to the shower, opened the door and turned on the water. Levi stepped back from the shower and looked at the bathtub. He couldn't remember the last time he had taken a bath. Years, he guessed. Maybe the warm water could melt the stress from his body. But he needed to wash the feeling of daily grime from his skin first. 

Levi took his towel from the rack and laid it on the edge of the huge, jetted tub. Then, he stepped into the shower, closing the door. He adjusted the temperature to a warmer setting and began washing his hair. While his hands were in his hair, he felt of his undercut. It could use a trim. He wasn't in the mood to do it after his bath, but he needed to remember to do it soon. If he needed a hair cut, Erwin probably did too. Levi closed his eyes when he dipped his head under the shower to rinse his hair. He lathered soap on his body next, avoiding looking at himself, making the shower as utilitarian as he could. Since the incident with Randy, he hadn't felt right in his own skin. 

Erwin hadn't been angry with him. They didn't discuss what Randy had said. Levi wanted to know why Erwin hadn't stated an opinion about it, but he decided that Erwin had simply decided to pretend it hadn't happened. Levi rinsed the soap off his body while he thought about it. There should have been a report somewhere about the assault though. He hadn't thought of that. Randy definitely needed medical attention, but Levi didn't know how long he had been unconscious in the bathroom. It was possible that he woke up and left before the attendant could get the chance to go check the bathroom. 

Scoffing at his own thoughts, Levi leaned out of the spray of the water. He turned off the shower and ran his hands over his skin, pushing the excess water off. Opening the door, Levi looked at the rug in front of the shower and stepped out. He stepped over to the bathtub and climbed in. Then, it occurred to him that the tub hadn't been used recently and probably had a fine layer of dust in the bottom. Levi leaned over and turned on the water, adjusting the temperature to almost uncomfortably warm. He pushed the water around the tub with his feet, hoping that he could rinse the tub out enough that there wouldn't be any dust in his water. He didn't know why he suddenly cared so much. In this life, a little bit of dust had never bothered him so much. But he couldn't stand the idea of sitting in dust water. He had gone to the trouble of actually bathing before he got into the tub, and he didn't want dust rotting on his skin. 

Levi closed his eyes when he realized what he was doing. 

_“Shut up,”_ Levi told himself. He took a deep breath, even clenched his hands into fists, and held the breath for five seconds before slowly releasing it. _“You're fine.”_ Levi opened his eyes and moved the water around just a bit more before he sat in the tub. He put the stopper down in the drain and leaned back, trying to focus on the roar of the water. But his mind continued to wander. _“This tub isn't clean. What is Erwin doing? Is he waiting on me? I always keep him waiting on me.”_ Levi closed his eyes and rubbed them roughly with the tips of his fingers. He had trouble maintaining focus all day. He considered calling out to Erwin, but there was no way Erwin could hear him through the closed bathroom door at the other end of the house. 

The water was slowly rising in the tub, and when it was deep enough, Levi took a breath and sank under. Keeping his eyes tightly shut, he searched himself for the problem. In their first life, he never had a problem figuring out what was bothering him. Typically, the problem of his entire world ending was in the main issue. Levi surfaced from the water, gasping for air. He wiped the water away from his face and looked at the water level. It was deep enough that he turned off the faucet. The silence that filled the room when the water stopped running made him feel a little more uncomfortable. 

Levi held his breath and dipped his head under the water again. 

_“Titans,”_ Levi thought. “ _Erwin told you to consider it a Titan. And Randy was your Abnormal. Out of nowhere.”_ Levi surfaced from the water again, wiping the water from his eyes. He stayed down longer that time and took a moment longer to catch his breath. 

The knock on the door startled him, and the water sloshed around him. 

“Levi?” Erwin asked while he opened the door. He caught sight of Levi in the tub and paused in the doorway. 

“Are you waiting on me?” Levi asked. Erwin shook his head, moving into the bathroom. He walked across the bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub, next to the towel. _“I wanted you here, and you show up. Mr. Fucking Perfect-”_ Levi cringed at his own thoughts. That wasn't fair. He never took a very long shower after a work, and Erwin was just checking on him. Erwin could probably sense that something was off. The mystery had probably been eating at him since they came home. Levi moved back, resting his back on the wall of the tub. 

“Hard day at work?” Erwin asked. Levi glanced up to Erwin's eyes, but dropped his gaze again. Erwin didn't look worried, but he obviously wanted some answers for Levi's behavior. 

Of course, Levi had no idea how to explain what was bothering him. There couldn't be any words for what was going on in his mind. He was just trying to keep a tight schedule, like he normally would. He took his anti-depressant medication at night, but sometimes he would skip the Melatonin. If he could go without the Klonopin, he would've, but he didn't want to go into a benzo withdrawal. Levi stared at his toes under the water while he thought about the way he had been behaving. For the past three nights, he would wait until Erwin would go to sleep, sneak out of the bed, out of the bedroom and go to the living room to nap on the couch. He would be barely sleep and sneak back into bed before Erwin woke up. All of it was so fucked up.

“I'm tired,” Levi said. 

“Are you not sleeping well at night?” Erwin asked. Levi curled his toes, trying to hide the frustration. He didn't know how to say what had been going through his head. Telling Erwin that he had been thinking about getting high for three days wasn't good enough. He didn't feel like himself, but he didn't know how to fix it. “Levi?” Levi blinked, not realizing that he had zoned out again. Then, he jerked his head back when he felt Erwin's hand on his forehead. He hadn't meant to do that, and he leaned back into the hand as if it was just a reflex. Levi's lips spread into a thin line when he thought about how many times he had pulled away from Erwin the last few days. That didn't make any sense to him either.  
“You don't feel warm.” Erwin took his hand away from Levi's forehead. “Are you cold? Is that why you're in the bath?” 

“No,” Levi snapped. He knew that Erwin was worried about the flu. Of course, Levi hadn't gotten a flu vaccination. Another needle in his arm was the last thing he wanted. He went to such great lengths to hide his arms from people, and he wasn't going to pull his sleeve up just to have a nurse fucking gawk at his scars.

“I hope you haven't caught something,” Erwin said. Levi glared up at him. Erwin didn't return an expression, he simply met the gaze, unwavering, unfazed. 

“I'm not sick. I'm just tired,” Levi said. Erwin nodded as if he understood, and Levi wondered if Erwin knew that he had sneaking out of bed at night. Then, an idea struck him. “I know your restless. If you want to go to Hange's, I don't mind staying here.” 

“To sleep?” Erwin asked. Levi felt like that was a challenge, and he was close to pursuing it. Erwin didn't give him time. “I'm not really in the mood for a party. It won't just be the six of us. Hange invited all of her coworkers I think.” Erwin's hand came towards him again. At least, his hands looked better. They weren't swollen anymore. He hadn't broken anything. Levi held himself in place while Erwin pushed some of his wet, black hair to the side, away from his eyes. “You'll probably feel better after you eat.” Levi wanted to argue that he hadn't felt bad until Erwin had started questioning him. “Take your time.” Erwin stood from the edge of the bathtub and started walking across the bathroom again. 

Levi rolled his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall of the tub. His eyes raised to the ceiling. _“What the fuck is wrong with me?”_ he asked himself. Lifting his hands, Levi shoved them into his hair when he heard the bathroom door close. He wanted to be at his apartment, but there was no reason to want that. He still wanted Erwin, but everything felt so close around him. Even in the huge house, he felt like he was smothered, and he didn't know why. In their first life, he literally killed to try and gain what they had currently. But he couldn't even enjoy it when he had it. Levi took a deep inhale and breathed out harshly. Everything had been fine until they came back from vacation. “ _Push through it,”_ Levi thought. _“Fake it until you make it. Pretend to be functional until you're functional. Pretend that you don't want to shoot up until you forget that you even liked it.”_ Levi took another deep breath and reached down to drain the tub. He couldn't sit in the water and feel sorry for himself. He had to force it to work. Erwin obviously still wanted him, and he needed to give Erwin a reason to stick around. The concern that Erwin would eventually get tired of his shit and give up was still very real. 

Levi stood from the tub and dried himself off quickly. One step at the time. Dry off. Hang up the towel. Go to the bedroom for clothes. But when Levi opened the bedroom door, he saw his cellphone laying on the bed. That's when he remembered that he wanted to check on what happened with Randy. Quickly, Levi stepped over to the bed and picked up his phone, losing focus on everything else. He pulled up his web browser. 

_“What can I even search?”_ he wondered. _“Junkie beat to death- Erwin didn't kill him, you dumbass. Focus.”_ Levi decided to browse the news from the past few days, looking for anything that would stand out. Anything drug related. It took so long that he sat on Erwin's side of the bed, still naked, absorbed in the take of trying to figure out what had happened to the man that he had lived with, used dope with, sucked off when necessary. No results. As a last resort, Levi went to the Jail View website for the county and searched for Randy's name. There weren't any results. Then, it occurred to Levi that he might not actually know the man's name. He searched for “Randy” and “Randall”. “Randall” actually brought up the result he was expecting. Randy's nose was crushed; his left eye was purple and swollen shut. _“Possession with intent to sell. Felon in possession of a firearm. Assault on a police officer. Resisting arrest,”_ Levi raised his eyebrows at all of the charges. _“Fuck, Randy. You should've just let them take to you to the hospital.”_ Randy didn't look like he would suffer any permanent damage though. Junkies were basically second-class citizens. Levi knew that all too well. He turned off the screen of his phone and set it on the bed. He knew that the police tried their best to be impartial, but that was difficult to do, especially with a dealer. Levi rubbed his face with his hands, smiling at his own stupidity. He couldn't believe that he had actually looked Randy up. That was stupid. He was supposed to be focusing on himself. More importantly, he had told himself he would focus on Erwin. Erwin was the most important person to him. Randy didn't deserve a second of his energy. _“You're bad at faking it,”_ Levi thought. _“Be a Captain. Stop dwelling on this shit. Give Erwin what he wants. Enjoy what you have.”_

With new resolve, Levi stood from the bed and went to the closet to put on some comfortable clothes. For the last few days, he had been distant, and he wanted to find a way to feel close to Erwin without actually getting _close_ to him. NA had taught him that intimacy in a relationship was important, but Levi felt like _everything_ was absolutely to close to him. Erwin included. Levi went to Erwin's side of the closet and pulled down one of Erwin's cotton T-shirts. He chose a navy blue one, wondering what Erwin would think while he pulled it over his head. Then, Levi put on his own black sweatpants and left the closet, grabbing his phone from the bed and putting it in his pocket on his way out of the bedroom. 

_“Dinners probably cold,”_ Levi thought. Quickly, he walked down the hallway and into the area between the kitchen and living room. Erwin was sitting on the couch, plate in hand, eating already. Levi narrowed his eyes at Erwin. But Erwin just tried to swallow whatever he had in his mouth and gave him a lopsided smile. 

“Umm,” Erwin mumbled. He finished swallowing. “I was hungry.” 

“Eating on the couch?” Irritation raced up Levi's backbone, and he felt his body tense up. 

“Just for tonight?” Erwin asked with a sheepish smile. Levi felt frustrated and briefly rubbed his forehead with his hand. They had a perfectly good, huge dining room table. There wasn't any sense in eating on the couch. 

_“Effort,”_ Levi told himself. He didn't respond, but he went to the kitchen to fix himself a plate. While he was serving his plate, he considered going to the table anyway to eat. “ _Power. That's a power move. Don't do that.”_ He put down the serving utensil that he was using to spear meatloaf out of the dish, rested both hands on the counter, and tried to remind himself to be patient. _“He's asking to eat on the couch for one fucking night. Don't start something stupid over this.”_ Conflict continued to rage in Levi's mind, but he fixed his plate anyway, prepared himself a glass of water, and took a deep breath. After exhaling, he picked up his things and walked out of the kitchen, over to the living room, and he set his plate and glass on the coffee table. Then, he walked over to where Erwin was sitting and sat down on the floor, next to Erwin's feet, criss-crossing his legs. It was the only compromise he was willing to make. They could eat in the living room together, but he wasn't going to risk dropping something on the couch. 

Levi picked up his fork, prepared to take a bite, but he paused because the coffee table began moving away from him. Erwin was pushing it away with one of his giant feet, and Levi watched, teeth gritted, fork still in hand, seriously considering what it would be like to finally injure Erwin. 

“I didn't think of that,” Erwin said. Erwin leaned over, set his plate on the coffee table, and slid off the couch until his ass hit the floor. Then, he stretched his legs out, one under the coffee table, one to the side of it. Finally, Erwin pulled the coffee table back towards them, back to original position so Levi could reach his plate. Levi took his phone out of his sweatpants pocket and set it on the table face down.

Levi looked down at his plate. The food looked really good. Everything that Erwin made always looked really good. Levi pushed his fork into the meatloaf, separating a bite, and finally began focusing on eating. He tried to ignore the sounds of Erwin's fork against the plate. Or the sound of Erwin chewing. Everything was too loud. Once, Levi put his fork down and almost made a snarky remark, but then, he looked at Erwin. Erwin was smiling softly while he was watching the television. Levi looked to the television to see what was funny. 

That's when Levi realized that they were watching The Twilight Zone. He hadn't been paying attention at all. The episode that was playing was iconic. Levi couldn't remember the name of the episode, but he remembered that it was about a man who had survived the apocalypse and was excited that he was the last man on Earth with nothing but books. In the end, the man would break his reading glasses, and he would be left with all of the time in the world to read but unable to see the letters. 

Levi looked back down at his plate, scooped up some mashed potatoes on his fork, and ate while his eyes raised back to the television. 

“This was my favorite episode as a kid,” Erwin said. 

“Sadist,” Levi commented quietly. He heard Erwin chuckle gently. Levi continued to focus only on the TV, hoping that it would distract him from all of the irritation he felt earlier. It did help. Maybe he had been hungrier than he knew, and the food was helping. 

Both men ate their meal without another word. Levi finished first. He set his fork on his plate and leaned back to straighten his back out against the couch. His eyes continued to watch the episode. They were nearing the end, and Levi wondered how it would feel to see the man's anguish as an adult. He hadn't watched the episode since he was a kid. 

When Erwin set his fork down and leaned back, Levi's eyes darted from the screen to Erwin. Erwin's eyes were still glued to the television, and Levi felt the strange desire to reach out and touch him. He frowned when he realized that his moods were swinging so drastically. Levi looked back to the TV and wondered when a commercial was going to start playing so he could clear the dishes. But the show would fade to black and then reappear within seconds. It was a recording. 

“Is this a DVD?” Levi asked without looking at Erwin. 

“I have the entire series,” Erwin whispered, as if they were in a movie theater. 

“Nerd,” Levi whispered back. He looked to Erwin when he didn't hear a laugh, and he saw that Erwin was smiling, maybe at the comment or at the show. Erwin turned and met Levi's gaze. Levi broke eye contact and looked back to the TV. 

The end of the episode was approaching, and Levi felt his stomach roll when he watched the man raise a pistol to his head. He winced. Watching that as an adult was certainly different. As a child, he didn't understand the finality of death, but as someone who had cheated death more times than he could count, the gun looked much more sinister. Then, he remembered Randy's gun, and his mind continued to wander. Would he have been killed if Erwin had not intervened? Would he have killed Randy when he finally felt threatened? 

Levi pressed his palms against the couch and lifted himself from the floor. Erwin looked to him, watched him lift from the floor and stand. Levi leaned over and picked up both of their plates. 

“You're going to miss the best part,” Erwin said. Levi stood in place, still holding the plates in his hands. 

“I'm watching,” he assured Erwin. Erwin turned his attention back to the TV. The men watched as the man leaned over to pick up a book to read, and his glasses fell to the ground, breaking the lenses so they couldn't be repaired. The man lamented, repeating how it was so unfair to lose the only way he could read, when there was finally so much time to read now that everyone was dead. 

The show ended with Rod Serling doing his typical voice over. Once it began, Levi walked around the coffee table, and took their plates to the kitchen. He looked at all of the dishes that Erwin had used to make their dinner, and he began cleaning up. 

“Do you have a favorite episode?” Erwin asked from the living room. 

“Let me think about it,” Levi said. “Don't start another one without me.” 

“I wouldn't,” Erwin said. Levi started putting away the leftovers. Erwin had made way too much food, but there were plenty of containers to store it all. While he was in the kitchen, Levi lifted the lid of one of the slow cookers and looked at it. He grimaced at the smell and sight of so many green leaves in one pot. Erwin would be eating those by himself. Levi put the lid back down and went back to the dishes. 

Levi started washing the casserole dish that Erwin had used to bake the meatloaf first. It was still warm, and made for easy cleaning. Then, he washed the two pots that Erwin used for their sides. He considered putting the dishes in the dishwasher to make the job easier and faster, but his mind was still on Randy. The show had reminded him of the gun. Maybe it didn't faze Erwin at all; he didn't know. Levi didn't want to ask.

“What's the one where the woman is beautiful and everyone else has pig noses?” Levi asked from the kitchen. He didn't hear Erwin's reply. Instead he heard some shuffling in the living room, and then Erwin's voice was closer. 

“I'm sorry,” Erwin said. “I can't hear you in there over the sound of you washing the dishes.” 

“The one where the woman is getting plastic surgery or something because she wants to have a pig nose like everyone else,” Levi repeated. 

“Oh, that's 'The Eye of the Beholder'. That's your favorite episode?” Erwin asked. Out of the corner of his eye, Levi saw Erwin lean against the kitchen counter. 

“It's not my favorite. It's just the one that I remember,” Levi said. 

“It's very iconic,” Erwin said. 

“You have an idea that's better?” Levi asked. 

“If that's the one you want to see, we'll watch it.” 

“I don't really care either way,” Levi said, putting the last dish in the drying rack. Erwin didn't respond, and Levi didn't notice. He was focused on cleaning. 

“Le-” Erwin was interrupted by the sound of Levi's phone ringing. Irritation flooded Levi's head, and he threw the sponge into the sink with a little more force than he should've. He left the kitchen and went to the living room to get his phone. He guessed that Stephen was calling, and he really didn't feel like talking. But his responsibility as a sponsor was more important than his foul mood, he hoped. 

When Levi picked up his phone from the table, he saw Hange's name was illuminating the screen. He ignored the call and put the phone back down on the table. Levi didn't bother going back to the kitchen to clean anything else. He sat in the corner of the L-shaped sectional and stared at the title screen for the Twilight Zone DVD on the television. 

“Who was it?” Erwin asked as he walked back over to the living room. 

“Wait and see,” Levi suggested. Erwin walked around the coffee table and sat on the portion of the sofa directly in sight of the TV. 

Erwin looked at his own phone on the coffee table, and his phone lit up. Hange's name was on it. Levi's phone lit up as well, displaying Moblit's name. Erwin reached over and picked up his phone, concerned that something had gone wrong if both of them were calling. 

“Hange?” Erwin asked when he answered. Levi's phone stopped ringing. “Is ev-”

“Erwin! Where are you?” Hange slurred. Erwin took the phone away from his ear and turned on speakerphone so Levi could hear too. 

“I'm at home,” Erwin said. 

“Why aren't you at my party?” Hange whined. Erwin smiled and looked at Levi. Levi was bunched up in the corner of the couch, arms crossed over his chest, looking particularly sullen. 

“Because I'm an old man who wants to stay home,” Erwin said. 

“Errrwiiinnnnn,” Hange whined. “Where's Levi?” 

“He's here with me, Hange. Who's watching you? Is someone with you?” 

“I don't know,” Hange said. “I have Moblit's phone, and I can't call him.” Erwin smiled, trying not to laugh. 

“Why do you have Moblit's phone?” Erwin asked, not able to hide his laugh very well. Levi leaned his head back, resting against the back of the couch, rolling his eyes. 

“Fucking drunkard,” Levi whispered. 

“Because I can't find him,” Hange said. “It's so dark in here too.” 

“Are you in a closet?” Levi asked loudly enough for Hange to hear him. There had been a few times in their life that Hange would get drunk and find her way to a closet and get trapped. No one ever figured out why she chose to do that. 

“I don't know,” Hange murmured. “But I can hear Moblit.” 

“Okay, Hange,” Erwin said, still grinning. “On three, you and I are both going to call out to Moblit, alright? Do you want to do that?” 

“Yeah,” Hange said. 

“One, two, three,” Erwin said. He held the phone away from him while Hange screamed for Moblit. He didn't join in. 

“Erwin you didn't do it,” Hange complained. 

“I know, Hange. I'm sorry. I forgot,” Erwin said, shaking his head in disbelief. She was extremely drunk. He hadn't heard her that drunk since their first life. But he heard Moblit's voice on the phone next. 

“Hange, why are you in here again?” Moblit asked. “Give me the phone. Where's my phone? Who are you talking to now?” The voice came closer, and Erwin waited patiently while Moblit apparently took both phones away from Hange. “Hello?” 

“It's just us,” Erwin said. Levi lifted his hand and rubbed his forehead with his fingertips. Erwin noticed the gesture but couldn't interpret it. 

“Oh, good,” Moblit sighed into the phone. “She called a Homeland Security Agent earlier.” Erwin chuckled into the phone, and he thought he heard Moblit smile. “Sorry about that Commander and Captain.” 

“It's alright,” Erwin said. “Maybe block off the closet before next year's party.” 

“She was in the pantry,” Moblit said. “I put those little child-proof door knob covers on the rest of the closets.” Erwin raised his eyebrows, still smiling. 

“I'll let you go so you can do what you have to do,” Erwin said. 

“Thanks, Commander and Captain. Good night. Happy New Year,” Moblit said. 

“Happy New Year, Moblit,” Erwin said. He waited to see if Levi wanted to chime in, but Levi seemed to be far away. Erwin ended the phone call and put his phone back on the coffee table. For a moment, he paused, wanting to ask Levi a question that would reveal the mystery behind his behavior. Instead, Erwin picked up the remote for the DVD player and found the episode that Levi wanted to watch on the disc. 

Levi bunched up further in the corner of the couch, not looking at Erwin, not looking at the television anymore, thinking about Hange. She was so drunk. He was jealous. It felt good to be so obliterated that you didn't care what you did. It felt good to not think about things that didn't matter anyway, like Randy. Levi knew that if he was high, he wouldn't think about Randy, or work, or Erwin, or how he couldn't give Erwin anything that seemed like it was actually good enough. He had fought himself the entire day to get back to Erwin's house and have a quiet night watching television and eating. But he couldn't relax. 

When Rod Serling started talking from the television screen again, Levi lifted his head from the back of the couch and trained his eyes to the television. Levi tried to focus on the show, but his mind continued to wander. There wasn't any containing it, and he didn't know how to stop it. All he could think about is going out to buy dope. If he wasn't on methadone, he could get on Facebook and find a dealer pretty quickly. He had lost those connections, but he still remembered the names of most of the people he dealt with regularly. Some of them had ties to Randy, but he would avoid that if he could. Dealers were actually pretty easy to spot on sight for an addict. Then, he could meet with them somewhere, make a quick exchange for the balloon and a needle, go to his apartment, get a spoon, use his cigarette lighter, barely dilute the powder. Levi played the scene over and over in his mind, quickly. 

Then, Erwin laid down on his side of the couch, laying his head on a pillow that was next to Levi. Levi looked down at the blond hair spread out across the fabric. He eyes traveled to Erwin's face, which was completely blank while he focused on the television. Finally, Levi's mind stopped. He focused on Erwin below him and felt relief flood his chest. Erwin was genuinely happy to just be around him, whether he was in a sour mood or not. In fact, Erwin probably expected it. Realizing that made Levi feel normal. He had always been bitter, and Erwin didn't begrudge him for that. Erwin gave him room to be shitty. And even if he didn't want to admit it to himself, Levi wanted to feel closer. He just wanted that closeness on his own terms. The duality between feeling emotionally claustrophobic and desiring intimacy was strangling him. 

Levi lifted his hand and paused, dropping his hand back to his lap. He inhaled deeply, but quietly, so he wouldn't concern Erwin with the sound. Levi closed his eyes, squeezed his lids together tightly, and lifted his hand again. Without looking, Levi reached over in Erwin's direction blindly, and held his breath. He exhaled slowly when he felt the pillow against his fingertips. Then, he walked his fingers up the fabric of the pillow and found a strand of Erwin's hair. It was so soft. Levi opened his eyes and looked down at his hand. Carefully, Levi slipped his fingers it into Erwin's blond hair, pressing through until he felt scalp against his finger tips and running his hand through the length towards Erwin's face. Suddenly feeling much more affectionate, Levi continued to run his fingers through Erwin's hair, removed his hand, and repeated the gesture. A few times, he thought he saw Erwin's eyes close, enjoying the attention. Erwin didn't move or say a word. He laid still and let Levi lead the way. 

A few more times, Levi ran his hand through Erwin's hair, focusing completely on the sensation of the way it felt against the sensitive skin between his fingers. Finally feeling closer, Levi stroked Erwin's hair once more before he took his hand away. He stretched his legs out on the sofa, slid down until he was laying down and turned on his side. Levi pressed his forehead against the top of Erwin's head and closed his eyes, putting his own arm under his head to hold it up to pillow height. He only wanted to think of the blond hair against his face, how it slightly tickled his nose. Mostly, he wanted to absorb Erwin's scent. It was already committed to memory, but he felt like he had forgotten it that day. He hated that he struggled so much with holding onto his foundation, holding onto Erwin, while he was fighting to not ruin his own life again. 

“I had a shitty day,” Levi whispered against Erwin's hair. Erwin was quiet for so long that Levi wondered if he could hear him over the TV. 

“I know,” Erwin said eventually. “And I know that listening to Hange like that didn't make it any better.” Levi winced. Sometimes it wasn't pleasant to know that Erwin knew him that well. In their current life, Erwin shouldn't know him that well. But Erwin was beyond intelligent. Sometimes Levi imagined that Erwin could literally feel the Earth turning because he was so aware of his surroundings all of the time. Erwin was aware of everyone and everything. His creativity with managing situations was beyond Levi's comprehension, and he loved it. Levi loved knowing that he didn't have to explain himself very often. Erwin would simply intuit everything. “Do you feel better?” 

“No,” Levi said, pressing his face farther into Erwin's hair, pushing the bridge of his nose against the top of Erwin's head. They were quiet for a long time, and Levi listened to the noise from the TV. It was just noise at that point. He couldn't follow the story anymore. When the episode ended, the credits began to play. 

“Do you want to be held?” Erwin asked. Levi inhaled deeply and thought about the question. No one had ever asked him that before. In the past, whoever he was with typically just wrapped their arms around him without asking. 

“No,” Levi said. He felt his muscles tense up at the word, like he was preparing for something. 

“Alright,” Erwin said. The next episode began to play, and they were quiet again. Levi adjusted his arms, crossing them over himself, without taking his face from Erwin's hair. They had been hanging limply, and he felt vulnerable suddenly. He had said no, and Erwin seemed to not respond in anyway. And the desire to be held started to manifest without any effort. 

Levi pulled his face away from Erwin's hair and sat upright on the couch. He stood, walked over to the side that Erwin was laying on. Erwin caught the drift and he rolled over from his side onto his back without taking his eyes from the television, and he even put his hands above his head. Levi paused at first, but he bent his knee and put it between Erwin's hip and the couch. Lifting up, Levi carefully positioned himself on top of Erwin and lowered himself down until his head was laying on Erwin's chest, near the crook of his neck. Levi looked at the television when he was comfortable, and he exhaled heavily. His left arm was pinned between Erwin and the couch, but he didn't mind. He pinched a bit of Erwin's shirt between the forefinger and thumb of his left hand and felt of the soft cotton, rubbing it between his fingers to occupy his hand. His other hand rested against Erwin's rib cage. 

Levi recognized the episode that was playing. He even smiled when he saw the gremlin on the wing of the plane. It was such a weird episode. The first time that he saw it, he was a teenager, and he was sitting on the floor of the living room. He missed some of the best dialogue because his step-dad snored so loudly. But Levi watched the entire episode, didn't miss a single line of what was said, because Erwin was so quiet for him. Erwin was so still, so comfortable. Erwin didn't seem to mind at all that he was fucked up. 

“Levi,” Erwin said when the episode was over and the credits began to play. 

“Hmm.” 

“I need to put my arms down.” 

“Then, do it,” Levi said. He felt Erwin shift, and then he felt Erwin's right arm wrap around him, the hand resting on the small of his back. Erwin put his left arm down on the couch next to Levi's hand. After that, Erwin wiggled around for a minute, adjusting to the new position before he stilled again and the next episode started. 

Levi watched the show and was only distracted when he felt Erwin's right thumb move against his back. He lifted his right hand and reached behind his own back, lifting up the bottom of the cotton shirt. Erwin moved his hand, thinking that Levi was adjusting, but Levi caught the hand and put it flat against the bare skin of the small of his back. Erwin understood then, and he let his hand rest against Levi's skin, rubbing his thumb against it softly

“Rub harder,” Levi complained quietly. Erwin applied some more pressure with his thumb while he moved it against the bottom of Levi's spine. 

“I don't think I know you were ticklish,” Erwin said. The next episode began to play, and Levi didn't recognize the introduction at all. 

“I'm not. It just feels weird when you do it too soft,” Levi said. 

“That's what tickling is I think,” Erwin said. Levi grinned when he heard the smile in Erwin's voice. 

“I'm trying to watch this thing.” 

“Sorry,” Erwin whispered loudly. Levi relaxed, losing focus on the show again while he felt Erwin's thumb, and eventually Erwin's full hand, pressing into the small of his back. It felt like a light massage, and a few times, Levi pressed into Erwin's hand, silently asking for more attention. When Levi did it the fourth time, Erwin pushed his hand up Levi's shirt so he could press the heel of his hand into Levi's spine and drag it down. Levi closed his eyes, no longer interested in the television at all, and melted against Erwin. “What time do you need to take your medicine?” Levi didn't answer at first. He was too relaxed, and he didn't want to think about medicine. 

“What time is it?” Levi realized how lazy his voice sounded, and he realized that he had almost fallen asleep on top of Erwin. 

“Hold on. I'm going to reach for my phone,” Erwin said. Levi exhaled and braced himself against the couch. Carefully, Erwin reached over to the coffee table, having to lean away from the couch a bit to grab his phone. When he had it in his hand, he pressed the button on top of his phone to light the screen. He squinted against the light like he had been resting his eyes as well. Levi readjusted himself on top of Erwin and waited for the time. “It's just past eleven.” Erwin put his phone on his couch behind his head. Levi moved up Erwin's body and hid his eyes against the crook of Erwin's neck. Erwin put his hand back on Levi's back, pushing up Levi's shirt so he could press his hand against bare skin again. 

“I should take it now,” Levi said, but didn't make a move to get up. Erwin continued to run his hand against Levi's back for a few minutes longer. Eventually though, he took his hand away from Levi's back and patted his ass a couple of times. 

“Go do it then,” Erwin said. He lifted both of his arms and put his hands behind his head again. Levi didn't move at first, and Erwin didn't press. 

“If I take it now, I'll fall asleep before midnight though,” Levi said. 

“I'll wake you up and kiss you,” Erwin promised. Levi thought about getting up and going to the bedroom to get his medicine. He would have to take his anti-depressant and his Klonopin. That's when Levi remembered that he had benzos in his own house. He didn't have to go out and get high. He could take four or five of them, and he would be able to get high anyway. 

“Go get it for me,” Levi said. 

“Why?” Erwin asked. Levi lifted his face from the crook of Erwin's neck and put his hands on Erwin's chest to lift himself up. He couldn't say why. He would just have to do it himself anyway. Levi carefully stood from the couch, pulling his left leg from between Erwin and the couch. His limbs felt tired from being so relaxed for so long. He noticed that Erwin was watching him, but he didn't say anything. 

Levi walked out of the living room and over to the hallway. While he was walking down the hallway, he thought about how many he would have to take to get high. The dosage was low, and he might need more than four or five to feel it. Of course, he would only get about ten minutes of high before he passed out. But he thought it might be worth it. 

Pausing at the door of the bedroom, Levi looked to his side of the bed, where his medicine bottles stayed. He walked over to the nightstand and sat on the edge of the bed. First, he picked up his anti-depressant and took it, not bothering to use any water. But his hand hesitated to pick up the next bottle. Levi stared at the bottle of Klonopin. He thought about skipping the dosage, but that was a mistake. Benzo withdrawal wasn't anything compared to opium withdrawal, but it was still enough to scare him. Levi wasn't sure he trusted himself to only take one though. 

_“Then take two,”_ he thought. “ _You had a shitty day. Two won't do anything. You'll just go without one at the end of the month. It'll be fine.”_ Levi picked up the bottle and twisted the cap off. He poured two Klonopin into his hand and put them in his mouth without thinking about it anymore. He swallowed a mouthful of water to help them along. After he swallowed, he realized that he should have chewed them or put them under his tongue. But he had been too excited to think about that. 

Levi stared down at the bottle in his hand. The shame was almost instant, and he capped the bottle, putting it back on the nightstand. He stood from the bed, put his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants and walked out of the bedroom, back down the hallway, and into the living room. 

Erwin was still in the same position, still waiting for him. Without hesitating, Levi walked over to Erwin and crawled back on top of him. He settled into the most comfortable position, his head on Erwin's chest so he could still see the show. Once he was settled, Levi felt Erwin's arms coming back down again. Erwin pushed up the back of Levi's shirt again, putting his hand against Levi's skin. Then, Levi felt Erwin lean down, and Erwin pressed a kiss against the top of his head, holding it for a few seconds longer than he usually would. 

Levi closed his eyes, and he felt like blurting out what he had done. But it was only two. Doubling the dosage of a benzo so low wouldn't do anything anyway. It wasn't life threatening. It was just a slip-up, and it was bound to happen. But there was no reason to make a big deal over it. He wanted to focus on Erwin. He focused on Erwin's smell, and the way that Erwin's chest raised when it filled with air. Then, Erwin yawned, and Levi memorized every single moment, from the sound of Erwin's lips parting, to the air filling his lungs, and finally the relieved exhale. 

When the credits for the episode began to play, Levi noticed that he felt much calmer. The only thing that mattered was that Erwin stayed under him. Vaguely, he felt Erwin's free hand in his hair. Everything felt a little bit more fuzzy than normal, but he didn't feel quite high enough. Things just seemed to be slower and less irritating. 

“Do you want to go to bed?” Erwin asked. Levi grunted, but that didn't really answer the question. “One more then.” But Erwin always understood. Levi smiled softly when he felt the high swimming thicker in his brain. His limbs felt heavier, and he faded out a few times. 

After the credits for the next episode began playing, Erwin looked down at Levi, who seemed to be completely unconscious. Erwin reached behind his head and picked up his phone. He checked the time, and it was a little after midnight. They had missed the hour mark, but it didn't matter. 

“Levi,” Erwin said, putting his phone back down. Levi didn't stir. His medicine made it very difficult to rouse him. “Darling,” Erwin said a little louder. He took his hand away from the small of Levi's back and lifted it to Levi's shoulder, patting him. Levi made a noise, but it didn't sound very aware. “Let's go to bed.” 

Levi inhaled harshly and exhaled again. He mumbled something, but Erwin couldn't hear him. Unsure of what else to do, Erwin wrapped his arms around Levi's chest and sat up. Levi was basically limp in his arms. That was unusual, but Erwin guessed that Levi was more tired than usual. Emotional stress had a way of wearing out the mind and body. 

“Am I going to have to carry you?” Erwin asked. Something about that seemed to make sense to Levi, who wrapped his arms around Erwin's shoulders, connecting his hands behind Erwin's neck. Erwin smiled and pulled Levi closer to him. “Hold on tight then.” But when Erwin moved closer to stand from the couch, he felt Levi's grip loosen. _“He's so tired,”_ Erwin thought. He adjusted Levi in his lap until awkwardly until he was holding Levi bridal style. Erwin stood from the couch, holding Levi close to him. Levi responded again by weakly wrapping his arms around Erwin's neck. Erwin quickly made his way from the living room, down the hallway and to the bedroom. Levi was heavier than he remembered. But it had been a long time since he had carried him. 

Erwin put Levi on the bed, and pulled the covers out from under him so he could tuck him in. Once Levi was properly put in the bed, Erwin leaned over and pressed his mouth to Levi's. At first Levi pulled back, probably unaware of who it was, but then he leaned in and kissed Erwin back. Erwin broke the kiss and smiled when he saw the sliver of gray between Levi's eyelids. 

“Happy new year, Levi,” Erwin said before pressing a kiss to Levi's forehead. “Good night, darling.” Levi didn't respond. He simply closed his eyelids the rest of the way. Erwin stood upright and reached over to turn off the lamp on Levi's nightstand. He stopped and looked at the bottles of medicine. _“We should talk about him lowering his dosage again soon,”_ Erwin thought before he turned out the light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been working on this chapter for three weeks, and I still don't know why it doesn't feel right. I think I've looked at it for too long. The good news is that even if this chapter isn't great, I have the next few chapters basically written. They just need editing. 
> 
> I didn't edit this chapter very much. If you notice a mistake, please let me know in the comments. 
> 
> Also! I received fanart for this work! Thank you so much, Sithiere! 
> 
> [Cover](http://sithiere.tumblr.com/post/151758587974/okay-so-my-first-and-for-a-while-only-attempt)
> 
> [The Beach Scene](http://sithiere.tumblr.com/post/154600592479/lets-use-that-shiny-paper-it-will-be-fun-it)
> 
> [The Boot Scene ](http://sithiere.tumblr.com/post/156213017319/levi-knelt-in-front-of-erwin-and-his-eyes)


	26. January 7, 2015

_Erwin: Do you have any plans for tonight?_

_Levi: No_

_Erwin: Would you come to the school after work?_

_Levi: Why?_

_Erwin: I want to go out to dinner tonight. Rather than going home and coming back into the city, I thought this would be easier._

_Erwin: Multimedia Message: Address Card_

_Levi: Two hours is a long time to wait_

_Erwin: Some of the students have formed a study group, and they have asked me to be their supervisor. I'm hoping that I'll simply be able to grade tests the entire time, but we'll see about that._

_Levi: You know that's not what's going to happen_

_Erwin: I know._

_Levi: I don't want to go to dinner in my scrubs. Let's do it Friday._

_Erwin: I had the idea this morning. I brought some of your clothes for you._

_Levi: Alright I'll go_

_Erwin: Thank you, Levi. I'll see you later._

 

******

Levi drove up to the school and parked in one of the parking places in front of the building. Other cars were lined up in parking spaces around him, parents waiting for their children to come out of the study group. Rolling down his window, Levi turned the engine off, leaving the key on the accessories notch in the ignition so the radio would continue to play, and he lit a cigarette. He waited, simply staring at the front door of the school. It was a nice building, much nicer than the high school he attended. Some of the memories from his school days caused him to wince. A few memories attempted to clamber up from the recesses of his mind, but Levi pushed them down. He leaned his head back against the head rest of the seat and dragged from his cigarette again. Levi took his phone out of his pocket, hoping to occupy his mind. 

Before he could turn on the screen, he heard the heavy front door of the school opened and a few high school boys walked out of the building. They were talking, making jokes and generally looked happy. Levi noticed that the boys all had heavy backpacks, and he imagined that they were some of the students that Erwin had been helping. Two of the taller boys playfully pushed the shorter one, and Levi smiled. At least the push seemed to be playful, but Levi remembered what it was like to be the short guy. During his freshman year, there was only one guy who had ever pushed him around like that, but it wasn't playful. Levi didn't remember his name, but he remembered the way it sounded when he knocked the air out of the guy's lungs. And he remembered how wide the guy's brown eyes were when his back hit the dirt. Levi watched while the two taller boys in front of his eyes ruffled the hair of the shorter one, only to push him again. Either the little brat would grow taller, or he would learn to push back. Those were his options. 

When the front door of the school opened again, Erwin stepped out, holding the door for about a dozen girls to walk out of the building. The girls crowded around Erwin, holding their books closely to their chests, staring up with wide eyes. Levi felt like he should have guessed that the group would consist of a few boys and so many girls. Erwin was smiling down at all of the girls, even laughed a couple of times. Levi distinctly saw one of the girls towards the back of the group almost fall forward a bit when her knees buckled, before catching herself. Levi raised his eyebrows and shook his head. 

“Too late, little girl,” he said. Levi smiled to himself, ashing his cigarette out of the window before he took another drag. It didn't look like Erwin was going to cut the conversation short, so Levi did what he usually liked to do while he was waiting for Erwin to do something he wanted. He turned on his phone screen again and opened the email he shared with Erwin. 

When he opened the inbox, he saw that the Social Tab was full from messages on Twitter. Out of curiosity, Levi opened the tab and looked at some of the emails. It was mostly just following suggestions and tweets from people that Erwin had followed. He backed out from the social tab and went back to Erwin's letters. He had started reading them more often the last few days, still trying to hold onto his few strings of sanity. Specifically, Levi read the emails where Erwin discussed dreams. He liked reading about how Erwin had essentially seen him before they ever met. A few times, while reading, Levi felt the corners of his mouth turn up. Reading the emails had helped him think of the times when things were easier, when he was still hiding from Erwin. He didn't have to keep up a facade of functioning. He could be as shitty as he wanted to be without having to worry about anyone seeing how much he was struggling. And he still received written affection at least once a month. Levi avoided the emails that were written after a certain date, and he focused on the ones where Erwin had encouraged him. 

Levi lifted his head when he heard a horde of footsteps and laughter. Erwin was walking towards his car with a trail of teenage girls following him. 

“Good bye, girls,” Erwin said, attempting to finally end the conversation. A few of the girls looked at Levi in the car, and confusion crossed their faces. But they dispersed, following Erwin's unspoken directions, and went to the cars where their parents waited. Erwin stood by Levi's driver's side door and smiled down at him. Levi dragged on his cigarette once more before putting the rest of it in the portable ash tray in the cup holder of his car. “Hello, Levi.” Levi turned off the screen of his phone and put it back in his scrub pocket. He rolled up the window, took the keys out of the ignition and opened his car door, stepping out. 

“Hey,” Levi said. He closed the door and locked it. 

“How was your day?” Erwin asked. Levi lifted his eyes and looked up at Erwin's face. There was a smile on his face, and Levi wished that he could match it. 

“Not as interesting as yours,” Levi said. Erwin rolled his eyes briefly. “I'm guessing you didn't get any grading done.” 

“I'll have to grade the tests at home tonight,” Erwin said. “I've very hungry though. Aren't you?” Levi shrugged. “Come with me. You can change inside the school.” Erwin stepped away, and Levi followed him, stepping up onto the clean concrete path that led up to the front door of the school. After a few steps, Levi noticed that Erwin slowed his pace down so they could walk side by side, but neither of them reached out to touch. 

Erwin opened the front door and held it open for Levi. When Levi stepped into the school, he looked around. It was a basic school entrance, but it was much nicer than many of the schools he had seen. The building looked older but still well maintained. It smelled like every other school that he had been inside of though, and Levi wondered if there was a specific company that made bulk cleaning products only for schools. He followed Erwin down the hallway, and they had to take a few turns, walking by walls of lockers and countless doors before they made it to Erwin's classroom. 

It was a really basic room, but the desks looked really nice. The room was very bare, and Levi wondered if it was Erwin's responsibility to decorate it. Erwin's classroom had no pictures or decoration of any kind, but it did have giant windows. Levi imagined he would've been the student to stare outside the windows all day. Well, maybe not if he had Erwin for a teacher. 

“Big school,” Levi said. Erwin walked over behind his desk and pulled out a small, black leather overnight bag.

“I rolled your clothes so they would fit,” Erwin said, walking over to Levi to give him the bag.

“Did you do it right?” Levi asked. He took the bag from Erwin. Erwin grinned down at him, but Levi was legitimately asking. He didn't want wrinkles in his clothes. 

“When you leave this room, take a right, there's a restroom around the corner where you can change,” Erwin said. Levi turned, bag in hand and left the room. He looked down both ends of the hallway before taking Erwin's directions. 

After stepping into the boys restroom, Levi closed the door and locked the deadbolt. He looked under the doors of the stalls and didn't see any feet. Being in a high school again felt very strange. Another memory tried to assault Levi's mind, but he pushed it down. Deadbolting the heavy wooden door behind himself made a shudder run down his backbone. 

Levi walked over to the line of sinks and put the leather bag down on the counter. He unzipped his black hoodie, pulled it off, and folded it up next to one of the sinks. Unzipping the case, Levi looked into the bag to see what Erwin packed for him. His boots were in the bag, and it looked like they had been wiped off before Erwin packed them. Next to his boots was a pair of socks, black slacks, a white undershirt, a pair of underwear, and a dark blue button down shirt. Levi furrowed his brows at the clothing choice. He wondered where Erwin was taking him. 

He pulled his scrub top up and over his head, rolling it up and setting it on top of his hoodie. Then, he pulled off his black, long sleeved undershirt and gave it the same treatment. He put on the white undershirt and realized that it was Erwin's. He didn't own any short sleeved shirts anymore. Levi's eyes dropped to the crooks of his arms. The scars stood out because he had pushed up the sleeves of his undershirt, and the bunched up material rubbed against his elbows until the skin was red. The pale, damaged and raised skin became more apparent when the skin was even slightly irritated. Levi's eyes returned to the mirror, and he looked at his surroundings. The memories of high school that he had been pushing down surfaced again. He remembered Seth's blond hair and palest blue eyes. Levi remembered the filthy letter Seth had written him about what they could do in the boys room together if they locked the door. Levi shook his head. He closed his eyes and rubbed them with the heels of his hands. 

_“That's disgusting,”_ Levi thought. It was a long time ago, and they were kids. It was gross to think about it as an adult. Instead, he focused completely on changing clothes and not looking at the mirror or the bathroom anymore. When he had buttoned the shirt, he rolled the sleeves up to his elbows from habit. He sat on top of the counter to take off his work shoes and put on his boots. 

Once he was dressed, Levi quickly packed up his uniform and hoodie, and he left the restroom. He liked the way his boots felt on his feet. It was more comfortable to hear the sound of boots on the wooden floors in the hallway than the sound of the running shoes that he wore to work. Erwin must have heard them too because he stepped out of his classroom, locking the door with a key on his key ring. He had also rolled up the sleeves of his shirt, and Levi looked at Erwin's forearms. 

When Levi reached Erwin, Erwin smiled down at him. Levi's eyes raised from Erwin's arms and he met the gaze. There had been a time when that look in Erwin's eyes had made him feel warm. 

“You look nice,” Erwin said. 

“Boots with this was a weird choice,” Levi said. “And the undershirt's too big.” Erwin shrugged, and Levi didn't recognize the look on Erwin's face. Erwin led the way out of the back of the building where his own vehicle was parked. 

The two men got into the vehicle, and silently pulled out of the teacher's parking lot to leave the property. When they were on a main road, Erwin reached out and put his hand on Levi's thigh. Levi was paying attention. His mind was too busy trying to decide why Erwin was acting strange. 

_“It probably just seems weird to me,”_ Levi said. But he thought about the look on Erwin's face after he told Erwin that the outfit was weird. Levi looked over at Erwin and how he was dressed. He was also in a button down shirt, but it was a plain white with thin stripes on it. The stripes were too small for Levi to know what color they were unless he looked very closely. He put his hand on top of Erwin's and looked out the window again. 

Erwin took them to a nice and expensive seafood restaurant. Levi knew that it was expensive because he had never even heard the name of the restaurant before and only knew they served seafood because it was advertised under the name. The parking lot was mostly empty. He thought it might be because they were eating dinner so early, but when he looked at the clock on his phone, he realized that it was almost six. 

Erwin turned off the vehicle, and both of them got out of the SUV to start walking up to the front of the restaurant. When Levi stepped into the restaurant, he decided that he liked it more than he thought he would. It was dimly lit and quiet. There wasn't even any annoying music playing. 

After the hostess seated them, Levi looked around the restaurant a bit more. Only a few older couples were seated throughout the restaurant, quietly talking. Levi thought the restaurant wasn't very busy because it was a Wednesday night instead of Friday or Saturday, but he wasn't sure. There were candles lit on a few tables that weren't occupied to give more light to the room without putting burning candles in the way of people who were actually trying to eat. He cringed when he saw a couple behaving romantically, touching hands and smiling at each other. Then, he scowled when he looked at the menu. There wasn't a single entree under twenty dollars. 

_“Why are we doing this?”_ Levi wondered. They had gone out for dinner before, but it was mostly inexpensive and loud steakhouses or other chain restaurants that had a different sports channel on every single one of the seventy-five televisions in the building. Those types of restaurants didn't allow for much intimacy, and Levi didn't understand Erwin's decision. Most of the time, if neither of them wanted to cook, they ordered delivery so they could stay at home and eat. 

“Hello.” Levi looked up from his menu to see a handsome waiter next to their table. “My name is Matthew, and I'll be taking care of you tonight. What would you like to drink?” 

“Water,” Levi said, looking back down at his menu. 

“A glass of The Crossings Sauvignon Blanc, please,” Erwin said. “And an order of fried zucchini please.” The waiter made a quiet comment, and Levi didn't acknowledge it. He gripped to his menu a little too tight, but it helped that the menu was set into a heavy, fake leather folder. “If you want a different appetizer, feel free to order it.” Levi looked up from his menu, and saw that Erwin's eyes were firm. He didn't know why. His eyes dropped down to the menu again. 

“It's fine.” They were silent when their drinks came. The waiter asked for their entree order. 

“I'll have the Snapper Hemingway please,” Erwin said. He handed his menu, which was already closed, to the waiter, and Levi wondered if Erwin had even opened it. He hadn't been paying attention. Levi gave his menu to the waiter as well. 

“The basic fried fish thing,” Levi said. 

“Your appetizer will be right out,” the waiter said before he left. Levi picked up his water glass and took a few swallows. He looked at Erwin's face while he drank from his glass, trying to figure out what was going on with him. 

“Did anything interesting happen today?” Erwin asked. Levi shook his head. 

“One of my coworkers was out sick,” Levi said. Mary had called in that morning. He had been the one to answer the phone. She sounded bad. But with Mary out, that meant that Levi had to assist the dentist on almost every patient. They needed to hire another hygienist, but the dentist was reluctant. 

“Does that mean your day was busier than usual?” Erwin asked. Levi nodded but didn't add to it. He didn't want to Erwin to know that he had to watch the dentist put the needle of a syringe in a man's gums earlier that day. He had to go the bathroom and teach himself how to breathe again after the procedure was done. It had never bothered him so much before. He saw several injections in a single month. “Are you tired?” Levi shook his head. Erwin picked up his wine glass and took several drinks from it instead of sipping it. Levi took his elbows off the table and leaned back in his chair, trying to get comfortable. But the entire situation felt uncomfortable. Erwin was acting strange. Levi was trying to maintain a certain feeling of disinterest so that way Erwin wouldn't ask him anything else. He thought if he kept quiet Erwin would stop pursuing whatever it was that he wanted to know. 

_“He's just asking about your day. Stop being a dick,”_ Levi told himself.

They were quiet until their appetizer came to the table. Levi realized how hungry he was and started eating. Erwin ordered another glass of wine and began eating too. In the middle of a bite, Levi looked up to see that Erwin was staring at him intensely. Levi wiped his hand on his napkin and leaned back in his chair again. 

“What?” Levi asked. Erwin's eyebrows furrowed for a moment before they evened out again. 

“I'd like to talk to you about something,” Erwin said. “But I don't want to cause you anymore discomfort than you're already experiencing.” Levi felt his shoulders lean forward while he shrugged and shook his head. 

“I'm not uncomfortable,” he said. “What do you want to say?” 

“You've been very stressed out for over a week now, and I'm unsure of what to do about it.” Levi's eyes ran over Erwin. Erwin's body language didn't necessarily tell him anything, and Erwin's face told him even less. He would simply have to believe that Erwin was actually concerned. “What can I do to help you, Levi?” Levi shrugged, shook his head, confused as to why they had to talk about this. 

“Nothing,” Levi said. “I don't need help. There's nothing wrong.” 

“I disagree,” Erwin said. That's when things started to make a lot more sense for Levi. The dinner wasn't a date. It was Erwin bringing them to a neutral, new location that they would never have to visit again if the discussion didn't go well. 

“Then tell me what's wrong with me,” Levi said. 

“There isn't anything wrong with _you_ , Levi. Only your mood,” Erwin said. “I know that it was very stressful for you to see Randall again, but you've refused to talk about any of it.” Levi's eyebrows furrowed. 

“How do you know that name?” Levi asked, the accusation clear in his voice. Erwin's face fell a little, but he caught the reaction. 

“I looked through recent news articles and arrests to find him, to make sure he was alright,” Erwin said. “It was difficult to assess the damage with everything else that was happening. I was concerned.” Levi couldn't help the smile of disbelief that spread over his face, but he did cover up some of it by rubbing his hand over his forehead, briefly covering his eyes. 

“You looked him up,” Levi said quietly, not believing what he was hearing. “Because you were concerned,” Levi whispered. 

“He's currently-” 

“I know,” Levi interrupted. He took his hand away from his face, crossing his arms across his chest. “I know where he is.” Erwin's eyebrows raised slightly. Levi shook his head, not willing to look at Erwin anymore. “He doesn't matter anymore, Erwin. We can forget about it.” The words didn't sound right. It was true that Randy didn't matter anymore, and Levi wondered why his words sounded so hollow or defeated. 

“Alright,” Erwin agreed. Levi glanced up at him. Erwin picked up his wine glass and took a few sips, drinking the wine properly. They both started eating the appetizer again, but by that time it was only a few more minutes before their entrees arrived. 

Levi was surprised by the amount of food that was delivered to the table. He always expected that restaurants which were so expensive typically served small portions, but he knew that he would have to take some of the food home with him. After a few bites of his fish, Levi sat back and looked at his plate. The food looked really good. The restaurant was quiet. But he didn't feel calm. 

Erwin startled, and Levi looked up, the feeling of anxiety creeping farther up the back his neck. Erwin put his fork down and reached into his pocket, pulling out his cell phone. He turned on the screen, and Levi watched Erwin's eyes run across it quickly. Erwin glanced up at Levi and met his gaze for a moment before turning off the screen of the phone and putting it back in his pocket. It all happened in a few short seconds, but Levi read every movement of Erwin's eyes, could see something else that he didn't recognize. He knew Erwin so well, but sometimes he felt like Erwin was still a stranger. 

“Why did you jump?” Levi asked. 

“I'm sorry. I set it to vibrate earlier today, and it surprised me,” Erwin explained. 

“Who is it?” 

“It was just a Twitter notification,” Erwin said. “I get them a lot because I follow so many accounts.” 

Levi dropped his gaze back to his plate and they continued to eat in silence. When both men finished their meals, they leaned back away from the table and relaxed, only waiting on the check.

“Levi,” Erwin said. Levi raised his head, hadn't even realized that he had dropped it, and saw that Erwin was smiling. “Sometimes I daydream about that tea shop that we visited for your birthday.” Levi's eyebrows furrowed. 

“What tea shop?” Levi asked, a bit snappier than he intended. The smile on Erwin's face fell slightly, and Levi almost squirmed. 

“From back then,” Erwin clarified. “Do you remember that?” Levi searched his memory, and did find that little tea shop. They had gone during winter, and the shop had basically been empty. People didn't go out so much during winter. But he and Erwin had taken leave, and Erwin led him to that shop for tea and dessert, which was ridiculously expensive compared to modern day sweets. Levi nodded, feeling soothed by thinking of that time. They did have some good times in their first life. After they found Eren, the small amount of leisure time that they had disappeared completely. But Levi remembered that before the truth began to slowly, painfully began to be revealed he and Erwin had created some good memories together. 

“Yeah,” Levi said softly. “I remember it.” Erwin's look softened. 

“Do you ever think about the good times that we had?” Erwin asked. Levi broke eye contact and looked down at the table. He reached out and brushed at the table cloth even though he hadn't spilled a crumb. Honestly, he didn't think about those times. That's not what Erwin wanted to hear, and Levi was too uncomfortable to say it. All of that had been drowned by everything that came once they discovered Eren. Levi crossed his arms again and tried to relax. He felt like his chest was being squeezed with the tension of the conversation. 

“Sometimes,” Levi muttered. He met Erwin's eyes to check and see if Erwin wanted more information. Of course, Erwin's face was covered with curiosity, but Levi didn't know what else to say. So he dropped his eyes and tried to think of a memory to discuss. All he wanted was to go home and shower. 

“Would you tell me what you think about?” Erwin asked. Levi frowned hard enough that he felt it. But their conversation was salvaged just barely by the waiter approaching to give them the bill. Levi barely listened while Erwin and the waiter discussed the quality of the meal. He did notice that Erwin immediately insisted giving the waiter his debit card so it could be charged and they could leave. When the waiter left, Levi didn't offer the information that Erwin asked for, and Erwin didn't ask again. Instead, Erwin finished his wine, and they stayed in silence until the waiter returned. 

Once it was clear that the meal was paid for, Levi stood from the table so fast that he had to wait for Erwin to put his card back into his wallet and stand as well. He wanted a cigarette pretty badly. It seemed like Erwin was taking longer than necessary, even finishing his glass of wine in a single swallow before standing from the table. When Erwin finally stood up, Levi began walking away towards the exit of the restaurant. 

Levi realized that he had basically left Erwin behind completely, and he stopped and waited at the front door. Erwin hadn't made any effort to catch up, and Levi felt slightly annoyed that Erwin wasn't moving faster. When Erwin finally made it to the door, Levi opened it, stepped outside, and held the door open for Erwin. 

“Couldn't wait for the date to end?” Erwin asked as he passed Levi. Levi rolled his eyes and let the door go before following Erwin to the car. 

Both men got into the vehicle, and Levi slammed his door before he buckled his seat belt. He reached into his pocket for his packet of cigarettes. After Erwin started the engine, Levi rolled the window down enough to let the smoke out before he lit a cigarette and took a hard first drag. He held the breath a little longer than necessary before releasing the smoke. He liked watching the way the smoke blew away in the wind provided by the motion of the vehicle. They didn't speak for the entire drive back to the school. 

When Erwin pulled into the front parking lot of the school, he parked next to Levi's car. Levi released his seat belt and reached for the handle of the door. 

“Wait, Levi,” Erwin said. Levi leaned back in his seat and looked at Erwin. Erwin raised his hand and put it on Levi's thigh. “I really don't understand what's happened tonight, but if I've done something to upset you, I'd like the opportunity to apologize for it.” Warning signs flooded Levi's brain, and he squirmed. He pushed Erwin's hand off of his thigh and opened his door. 

“We'll talk about it at home,” Levi said. 

“Levi-” 

“At home,” Levi insisted. “We're not talking about this in a car.” He didn't dare look at Erwin's face. “I have to stop for cigarettes. I'll follow you after that.” Levi waited for Erwin to acknowledge what he said, but there was only silence on Erwin's end. Instead of waiting any longer or looking at Erwin, Levi slipped out of the vehicle and closed the door behind himself. He stepped over to the driver's side door of his own vehicle, unlocked it, and sat down in his seat, closing the door. As soon as his door was closed, Erwin started backing out of the parking space and driving away. 

Levi exhaled heavily and realized that he had a headache. He leaned back in his seat, rested his head on the head rest, and raised his hands covering his face. Taking a deep breath was difficult, but he forced himself to inhale, hold it, and exhale slowly. The entire night had been horrible. 

_“He's tired of your shit,”_ Levi thought to himself. _“He's finally sick of it. You ruined the date he planned.”_ Levi wiped his face with his hands and dropped them to his lap. He closed his eyes though, still not capable of even thinking about driving anywhere and thought through the entire night. _“Everything was fine. Erwin was drinking his wine too fast. I couldn't look at him. He wanted to know if I was alright after Randy, and what the fuck am I supposed to even say to that? And then he had the weirdest look on his face after he looked at his phone.”_ Levi shook his head. He pulled out his own phone. _“Read his letters. Think about good things.”_ Levi pulled his phone out of his pocket and turned on the screen, unlocking it, opening his email. He picked on of his favorite letters from Erwin to read. 

_May 21, 2013_

_Levi,_

_Do you remember the first night we spoke on the phone? Actually, it's the only time we've spoken on the phone, isn't it._

_You said that you dreamed of me. I was telling the truth when I said that I have dreamed of you all of my life. In my dreams, before I remembered our first life, sometimes there would be a dark haired man that I didn't recognize. I learned pretty early in life, after some research, that you can dream of “strangers”. Strangers in a dream are actually just faces that your mind has recorded and sometimes those faces will show up in your dreams. Your brain can't create faces, it only recycles them._

_But in dreams where strangers were present, I was never able to actually look them in the eye. If I remember correctly, I was only able to look near their eyes. I could look to the side of their faces, their foreheads or between their eyebrows, but I could never actually make eye contact with them._

_I remembered you in my dreams before we met in this life Levi. And every time I saw you in my dreams, you would look at me directly. Those gray eyes of yours are truly nothing short of stunning-_

Levi backed out of the email to look for another one that he liked. He didn't read the end of Erwin's letters. He only read the parts he liked. When he went back to the inbox, he noticed that the Twitter account had sent another notification to the Social tab. He tapped the tab and looked at the email. The emails that had been there earlier that evening had already been cleared out. 

_“Erwin's deleting the emails as soon as he sees them,”_ Levi thought. He furrowed his brows. _“Every morning because he wakes up first, at work, before I come home from work, he's checking the account to clear out the emails.”_ Levi backed out of the tab and went to the trash folder. It was also empty. _“He's hiding something.”_ Levi thought back to the look on Erwin's face when he checked his phone during their dinner. _“He's found someone.”_

Without giving the action much thought, Levi closed the email account and pulled up his web browser. He went to Twitter's website and was prompted to download the app, but he ignored that and went to sign in. After Levi typed in their shared email address into the first information bar, he tapped the password blank and paused. He frowned while he considered what Erwin might use for a password. He tried the password to their email, and he was taken to a page that said the password was incorrect. Levi modified the password for their email account a few times was denied access to the account every time. 

Levi closed his eyes and thought hard about what Erwin would use, but he knew that he would never be able to guess it. He tapped the Forgot Password link. Twitter asked whether he wanted it texted to him or if he wanted the link sent via email. He chose the email option and closed the web browser, switching back over to his email. 

Levi worked fast because he knew that he may not have a lot of time. Erwin was still driving home, but he wanted to make sure that he could erase all of the evidence of what he had done before Erwin had a chance to see what happened. When he opened the email and clicked the link that Twitter had sent, it prompted him to make an entirely new password instead of telling him the old one. Maybe Erwin would think that he had forgotten. Levi typed in a password that was a modified version of the email that they shared, and he went back to sign in. 

After signing in, Levi put his phone down and turned on his car. He rolled the window down all the way to get some air moving in the car, which seemed really hot even though it was still January. He even lit a cigarette and dragged from it before he rested his arm on the door to hold the cigarette outside of the car and picked up his phone again with his right hand. 

Twitter had loaded, and the front page of it was flooded with people that Levi didn't recognize. He frowned and scrolled through the list for a little while, but nothing was interesting. Levi dragged on his cigarette while he looked at the page and the icons at the top. He tapped _Moments_ and _Notifications_ where he didn't find anything interesting. Then, he tapped the section where private messages were stored. There was only one collection of messages, and they were between Erwin and a user named Surveycorpslife. 

Levi's eyes widened when he looked at the name. Erwin _had_ found someone. Irritation raced up Levi's backbone he tapped the conversation, realizing that he had been clenching his jaw so hard that it hurt. So he stretched his jaw out and looked at the messages. The window took him to the bottom of the conversation. Levi briefly looked at a few of the messages. 

_Surverycorpslife: Yes, sir. What's your username? I'll add you._

_Thesurveycorps:My username-_

 

But Levi wanted to see the beginning of the conversation. He quickly swiped his thumb along the screen until he was at the top of the conversation. Levi's cigarette fell out of his hand and onto the asphalt next to his car. 

_Surveycorpslife : My name is Armin Arlert. I was a cadet of the 104th training squad, and my hometown was Shiganshina. Who's running this account? Can you put me in touch with either of the Commanders?_

_Thesurveycorps: Hello, Armin. This is Erwin Smith. I'm so glad that you've found this account._

_Surveycorpslife: Commander! I remember. I remember everything. I don't have anyone else who remembers._

_Thesurveycorps: That's alright, Armin. We can talk about everything, but Twitter isn't the best platform for long conversations. Do you have Skype? We could type or speak on that platform._

_Surverycorpslife: Yes, sir. What's your username? I'll add you._

_Thesurveycorps:My username-_

The adrenaline rushed through Levi's body so fast that it hurt. He dropped his phone, and he felt like he couldn't breathe. Armin's body looked so small after it was burned. Levi never realized how small Armin really was until all of his clothes and hair and most of his skin had been burnt off. Eren was begging for the serum. That little black box with the syringe felt so heavy in his hands. Mikasa with blades drawn. Erwin's body on the roof, barely breathing, needing to be saved. Levi's mouth was dry, and he closed his eyes. The pain in his chest that spread through his entire body when he heard Flocke talking about Erwin like he was a demon. No one wanted Erwin as a man. They all needed him as a tool to fight for humanity, and Levi couldn't let that happen. Erwin deserved so much better. He was going to put the needle in Erwin's arm until Erwin spoke. That's when he realized that Erwin wasn't himself anymore. He wasn't the same after he lost his arm, and Levi couldn't stand to pull him back into the fray. Instead, Levi saved a Armin's life and wrote his death certificate in the same day. When he felt pain in his left arm, he opened his eyes to see that he had been gripping his left bicep with his own right hand so hard that his fingertips had turned white. 

Levi lifted his head, and his stomach turned. He let go of himself, started the car, and backed out of the parking space. As fast as he could, he drove out of the parking lot of the school and raced off in a unplanned direction. His heart was racing. He couldn't think straight, but he knew that he wasn't in the best shape to drive. After a few more turns, Levi pulled into a gas station parking lot and parked. 

Gripping the steering wheel, Levi stared at his white knuckles. 

“Fuck!” Levi screamed, hitting the steering wheel with both hands. Taking his hands off of the wheel, he picked his phone up from the floorboard. Levi squeezed the phone in his hand. He scrolled up to the name “Ben” and dialed the number. Levi held the phone to his ear and waited. Two rings later someone answered. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey, is this Logan?” 

“Yep. I haven't heard from you in a while, Landon. Going to someone else?” 

“No. Do you have any Xanax?” 

“Yeah.” 

“What's the milligram?” 

“One.” 

“How many do you have?” 

“Twenty.” 

“How much for eight?” 

“Two-eighty.” 

“Where can I meet you?” 

“Same place as last time.” 

“I'm going to use the ATM at a gas station now. It'll take me a while to get over there,” Levi said.

“See you then.” 

Levi ended the call and put the University's address into his phone's GPS. He turned off the ringer volume on his phone and dropped it in the passenger seat before putting his car in reverse. 

******

It surprised Levi that he was able to move through the city in such a short amount of time. It had only taken him about an hour to get to the meeting place with Logan and back across the city. Everything seemed to be moving much faster. Levi pulled his keys out of his pocket and unlocked the deadbolt and door handle of his apartment. He pushed the door open and slammed it behind him. He rushed across the tiny apartment to his little table he bought at the thrift store the year before. Sitting down at the table, Levi poured out all of the Xanax into his hand. He looked at the pills in his palm. He decided that he would take four and save four. Even with so many, it would be a while before all of it to hit his system. That's not what he wanted. He wanted it faster. Levi poured the pills back into the baggie and sealed it. Standing from the table, Levi crossed the small room over to his refrigerator. 

From curiosity, Levi pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked it. There were five missed calls from Erwin and several text messages. 

_Erwin: Levi would you please call me when you're on your way home?_

_Erwin: Is everything alright?_

_Erwin: Where are you?_

_Erwin: Tell me where you are, Levi._

_Erwin: Why did you look at the Twitter account, Levi?_

Levi pulled up his keyboard and decided to respond. 

_Levi: You should've told me. Don't call me._

Levi turned his phone screen off, neglecting all of the other messages. He thought about the one set of scrubs and two outfits that he left in his closet. For a moment, Levi considered packing up and leaving his apartment. But that didn't make any sense. He had hidden from Erwin in that apartment before, and moving would take too much effort. This was a one time thing. He could do it one more time and Erwin would never have to know.

Levi opened the refrigerator door and grabbed a jar of jelly. After closing the door, Levi reached over and tore off a paper towel from the roll. 

Quickly, Levi moved back over to the table before he lost his nerve. Sitting down in the chair, Levi laid the paper towel out on the table. Then, moved the pills around in the bag so he could crush four. But the bag was too small. He frowned, trying to rearrange them so he could only crush half, but it wasn't working. Levi picked up the baggie, shook it until all of the pills fell back down to the bottom and then laid it back down, spreading them out until they were all equally distributed. He picked up the jelly jar and started smashing the pills in the bag until they were broken into pieces. With every strike against the pills, Levi felt his heart jump with excitement. He turned the jar on its side and started rolling it over the broken pills, crushing them into a fine powder. After a few rolls, Levi put the jelly jar aside and lifted the bag. He shook it and looked at the fine powder. There weren't any big pieces left inside of the bag. He was going to absorb them much faster, and the high wouldn't take twenty or thirty minutes. If he crushed them, then he could get the high in fifteen or less. 

He opened the baggie and poured the powder out on his paper towel, tossing the empty baggie on the table. The little pile of powder looked, quite honestly, very beautiful. Levi's mouth watered.

Levi folded the paper towel in half to make a chute for the power. He lifted the folded paper towel to his open mouth and titled his head back. The powder poured into his mouth, coating the top and bottom of his tongue. He closed his eyes tightly against the taste. After tapping the towel a couple of times and knowing he had taken all of it, Levi dropped the paper towel and closed his mouth. He started working up saliva in his mouth to swallow, but there was too much powder. It was bitter with a thick chemical taste. The power was so bitter that it made his mouth dry up.

Jumping up from the table, Levi ran over to the kitchen sink. The sudden motion turned his chair over. He turned on the faucet and put his mouth under the stream of water. Water filled his mouth, and he swallowed. The horrible taste of the powder still saturated his mouth, and he had to drink much more water to feel like his mouth was washed out. 

When it felt like the taste would subside, Levi turned off the faucet and leaned over the sink, breathing heavily. He wiped his wet mouth with the back of his hand. 

“Shit,” he breathed with a smile on his face. Levi closed his eyes tightly. There was always an initial rush. The chemicals didn't work that quickly, but just anticipating what it would feel like when they finally started working was a rush itself. Levi's knees sank to the hard linoleum floor and rested his forehead against the kitchen counter. “Fuck,” he breathed. _“You should leave Erwin.”_ Whatever voice that was in his head was suddenly very loud. He was shaking. He bent his elbows and ran his fingers into his hair. Levi stayed there, leaning against the kitchen counter, hands wrapped tightly in his hair, until his knees began hurting. _“You'll always be this way.”_ He didn't mind that his knees hurt. And he was immobilized by what he had just done. Erwin trusted him, and he had ruined it. But it would be alright. In about ten to fifteen minutes, he wouldn't care. Maybe it would work even faster because of how much he took. 

Levi leaned away from the counter and carefully stood from the floor. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his pack of cigarettes, lit one, crossing the room to sit at the little table and wait. Getting high alone wasn't any fun, and it was actually pretty terrifying. There wouldn't be anyone around if something happened to him. But in a few minutes, he wouldn't care about that either.

Leaning back in his chair, Levi grabbed the jelly jar and unscrewed the lid. He flipped it over and set it on the table to use it for an ashtray. He hadn't remembered to buy plastic cups because he was always at Erwin's house. His eyebrows pinched together when he thought of Erwin. Levi dragged on his cigarette again and pulled his phone out of his pocket. Erwin had called three more times. 

_Erwin: Our agreement was that I would tell you if I was bothered by what I was discussing with soldiers, Levi. I didn't do anything wrong._

_Erwin: Answer your phone!_

_Erwin: I need to talk to you right now, Levi!_

Levi turned off the phone on his screen and set the phone on the table face down. He tapped his cigarettes against the tin of the jelly lid and sighed. Closing his eyes, Levi tried to focus on how his body was feeling. That was the best part of getting high. He could stop thinking about everything except for the sensation that would eventually come. 

First, he would feel it in his head. Nothing would bother him anymore. Making clear thoughts or words would be more difficult. Benzos were chemical apathy. They were the fastest way to numb the entire brain, and eventually, the body follows. But with methadone, there was a heat that came with the apathy. The euphoria would come right after the heat, and Levi knew that he would get about two minutes of pure, absolute bliss before he fell asleep. He would probably just slump over and rest his head on the table. The next day, he could end everything with Erwin. Briefly, Levi considered that they might be able to remain on good terms, but he knew that he couldn't do that. 

There was a loud knock on Levi's door, and the sudden sound snapped him out of his thoughts. 

“Levi,” Erwin called through the door. Levi's eyes widened, and he lifted his head. Slowly, he put down the half of his cigarette which was left and turned in his chair to look at the door. He might not have actually heard it. It wasn't common for him to hallucinate, but anything was possible. But then there was another knock. “Levi, open the door!” 

_“How the fuck?”_ Levi stood from the chair and approached the door with careful steps. He knew that Erwin was capable of many things, but he was shocked by how quickly Erwin had found him. In fact, he knew that it was impossible for Erwin to get an address that quickly. 

“Open the door, Levi,” Erwin said. Levi didn't answer. He wanted to see what Erwin would do next. After a few moments, Levi's eyes dropped to the door handle when it started to move. He narrowed his eyes and waited. The door handle turned. He had forgotten to lock the door. 

_“He's coming in,”_ Levi thought. 

Erwin stepped into the tiny apartment, slamming the door behind him. Levi leaned back a bit when he saw how fast Erwin was approaching him. He stopped when he was standing directly in front of Levi, and he leaned down close. 

“Levi, why would you-”

“How the fuck do you know where I live?” Levi snapped. Erwin leaned back, standing tall and looking down at Levi. Levi narrowed his eyes. 

“Levi-” 

“How the actual fuck do you know where I live, Erwin?” Levi growled. “Because I know I haven't fucking told you!” Erwin didn't break eye contact. 

“Being without you for two years,” Erwin started. He stopped and collected his thoughts. He knew that he was in the wrong, and he didn't want it to sound like he was blaming Levi for his own behavior. 

“Spit it out!” 

“I called your doctor's office and pretended to be you,” Erwin admitted. “I apologize.” Levi's eyes widened and his eyebrows furrowed, unfurrowed and pinched together again. 

“You what?” Levi spat.

“I told them that I was Landon Armstrong,” Erwin explained. “And I said that I needed to change my address, but I changed it a lot and didn't remember which address was currently listed. The receptionist told me what address was on file, and I told her I had the wrong number.” Erwin felt the guilt settle in his stomach like a hot rock. And Levi's face only made it worse. Because he looked not only like he couldn't believe what he was hearing, but that his trust was completely broken. “I apologize, Levi.” 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Levi whispered. “You've been telling me all of this time that you fucking trust me-”

“I do trust you, Levi,” Erwin said, reaching out and taking Levi's hands in his own. But Levi only snatched his hands away and took a step back. 

“That's not how trust fucking works!” 

“I'm sorry,” Erwin said. Levi clenched his fists. He was glad that he took the pills. If he could just get Erwin out of his apartment, he could lay down and relax. He could feel it seeping through his brain, making his fingers tingle. The anticipation of it was staggering. “I did that on the day you moved in with me,” Erwin continued to explain. “Because it hurt so much every time you left.” Levi lifted his head, anger flaring in his eyes. 

“You don't think it fucking hurt for me to leave?” Levi snapped. “I spent two years away from you trying to get my shit together so I could be good enough for you, you fucking manipulative liar!” Erwin's eyes widened. “Hiding shit from me is lying to me! You swore that you would tell me if shit was fucking with your head!” 

“Levi, if I asked for your address, would you have given it to me?” 

“It doesn't fucking matter!” 

“You wouldn't have,” Erwin said, shaking his head. “You wanted to have a place to hide again. But I don't want to live that way, Levi. I don't want you to run from me.” 

“I would never break a promise to you,” Levi said. 

“What promise, Levi?” 

“Armin contacted you,” Levi snapped. “I fucking read your messages.” 

“I promised that I would talk to you if I began to feel distressed from talking to former soldiers, and it doesn't bother me to talk to him. Why are you doing this?” Erwin asked. Levi opened his mouth, and closed it. His lips spread into a thin line, and he stared at Erwin furiously. Erwin lifted his eyebrows. “Say it.” 

“Get the fuck out!”

“I already know how I died, Levi. I've been waiting for you to talk to me!” 

“No,” Levi shook his head. “We're not doing this.” That's when Levi noticed that the numb feeling was starting in his brain. The guilt threatened to rip him in two. He needed Erwin to leave. “Get the fuck out of my apartment right now, Erwin.” 

“I'm not leaving,” Erwin said. “Neither of us are leaving this room until we talk.” Levi shook his head, and he began backing away. 

“No, Erwin,” Levi said. Levi reached up and ran his hands through his hair. “Fuck no.” He had taken so much. And now Erwin was going to see it. He had taken too much; he knew that now. But he was so eager. The very thing that Levi had gone to such lengths to hide from Erwin was going to come to light, and he couldn't let that happen. But there was no place to go. There was no place to hide anymore. “I don't want you anymore.” 

“That's not true,” Erwin said. 

“It's true, Erwin,” Levi said quietly. “I don't want you. Get out.” 

“Levi,” Erwin said. He stepped forward and lifted his hands to touch Levi, but he didn't know where. Levi was holding his hands to his head like he was in pain, and Erwin didn't understand. He dropped his hands. “You said that I deserved a rest.” 

“You need to shut the fuck up,” Levi snapped. He lifted his head and dropped his hands. “Shut the fuck up right now, Erwin.” 

“We're talking about it,” Erwin said. Levi reached out and put his hands against Erwin's chest to push him back towards the door, and Erwin grabbed Levi's wrists. He didn't hold them roughly, but Levi struggled against his hands. “You made the right decision, Levi.” Levi stopped struggling, his eyes widening with the shock. He didn't make eye contact, but the words had obviously hit him hard. In fact, Levi lost his breath for a moment. No one had ever told him that before. There hadn't been a single person who had supported the decision to let Erwin die. 

Levi simply bent his knees and fell to the floor, landing on his ass. Erwin held onto Levi's wrists, expecting that the words would be hard to hear, and he released them when Levi was safely sitting on the carpet. He hadn't expected the words to knock Levi's feet out from under him. 

Levi pulled his knees up, held his shins with his arms and hid his face in his legs. The prickling in his eyes was too strong to fight. Tears were almost instant, forcing themselves past his tightly closed eyes. His worst nightmare was happening, and there was nothing he could do about it. If he ever decided to have this conversation with Erwin, he didn't want to do it when he was getting high. Erwin deserved so much more than that. Erwin knelt down on one knee. 

“Everything we have now would be different. We have another chance because of your decision,” Erwin said. Neither of them knew if that was true, but it sounded important. Erwin supported Levi's decision. Levi bared his teeth against the pain, and clenched his eyelids tightly. More tears began flowing down his face, wetting the fabric of his slacks. He couldn't stand for Erwin to look at him like that. “I didn't know that you would have to choose between me and someone else, darling. I apologize for not helping you prepare for that. But you did the right thing. You made me proud, Levi.” 

“Please, Erwin, please shut up,” Levi begged with a broken voice. The warmth was spreading slowly through his body. It would only be a matter of a few short minutes before he became incoherent, unable to follow the conversation that was so important. More than anything, Levi wished he could pass out right then. Erwin wasn't surprised to hear the tears in Levi's voice, but he wished that Levi could look at him. He wanted to know what to say next by reading Levi's face. But he couldn't. He would just have to do his best without it. 

“No,” Erwin said. “I won't ever stop telling you that you did the right thing, Levi. Because I believe it.” Levi knew, when Erwin realized that he had taken pills, everything would end. He would lose Erwin. He would lose the rest of the veterans. He'd never find out if Armin turned out alright. There was nothing left to lose. He had already thrown it all away. 

“I hate myself,” Levi whimpered. It felt good to finally say those words, to finally admit them to someone. He had heard people say that in group so many times, but he never had the courage to same them himself. But it was the most honest thing that he had said since he started heroin. “I hate myself,” Levi repeated with relief, sighing even because it felt so good to finally say it. “I couldn't watch humanity shit on you anymore, Erwin. I couldn't let you take another breath of that disgusting Wall air. And they wanted you to be their devil.” Levi sniffed hard, his nose full of mucus trying to force its way out. It made him cough, and some of the mucus dislodged from his throat. He had no choice but to swallow it with a grimace. He couldn't breathe through his nose anymore. He gasped for air. “I wanted to go with you,” Levi said. “But I promised.” Erwin reached out and put his hand on Levi's arm. He pressed his thumbs hard into Levi's forearms. More tears rushed past Levi's eyelids, and he wanted to fight Erwin more than ever. He didn't want Erwin to touch him. He wanted to be injured. He wanted Erwin to hate him. 

“I gave you an impossible responsibility, and now I'm taking it away from you. You can lay this weight down now. You're relieved, Levi,” Erwin said. “Look at me.” 

“I can't,” Levi wheezed. “I can't even see.” The drugs were already talking for him. The high was only getting stronger the longer he sat there. In a little while, he probably wouldn't be able to sit up. As long as his adrenaline had been pumping, he would be able to stay awake. But he felt relieved to admit some of the things he said to Erwin. He could feel the weight lifting from his shoulders. Erwin had known all along and loved him anyway. Erwin had loved him through all of the bullshit even though it wasn't necessary for even a moment. But that relief came at a price. Erwin obviously wasn't going to leave. Erwin would see everything, and Levi wouldn't even be conscious for it. 

Erwin reached, with both hands, to Levi's face. He put his hands on either side of Levi's head, his thumbs framing Levi's ears. With surprising ease, Erwin lifted Levi's head. Once he was able to look at Levi's face, his eyes widened. There was something wrong, something much deeper than he had expected. 

“I let you die, Erwin,” Levi whispered, pressing his face into Erwin's right hand. “Don't do this.” Erwin took his hands away from Levi. He gazed over Levi's face, trying to find what was wrong. “Erwin,” Levi begged in a hoarse whisper. “Tell me it will be okay again.” Levi could see it as soon as Erwin realized what was happening. He remembered that look so well. 

“Levi, did you-” Erwin didn't finish the question. Levi shook his head, dropping his eyes back down to his knees. 

“No,” he slurred. He had taken all of it. Erwin couldn't prove it. 

“What did you take, Levi?” Erwin asked. 

“I didn't take anything,” Levi argued quietly. “I'm clean, Erwin. I'm clean.” 

“But you've taken something, Levi, and you have to tell me what it is.” 

“I didn't take anything.” 

“Levi,” Erwin said. “Look at me.” Levi didn't raise his head. Erwin framed Levi's face with his hands again. “Levi.” He lifted Levi's face, and Levi knew that he should've felt something when he saw Erwin's face. The next question was asked in the language of their first life. “What did you take, Levi?” Levi hadn't heard it in so long. Sometimes he dreamed in that language, but he had never heard Erwin use it. It sounded just as familiar as he hoped. He recognized all of it, including the emotion. And Erwin continued to use it. “This is an order, Levi. Answer me now. What did you take?” 

“Xanax.” 

“How much?” Erwin asked in English. 

“Eight.” 

“Pills?” 

“Eight miligrams.” 

“Levi,” Erwin breathed. Levi's heart sank into his stomach when he saw the look in Erwin's eyes. They were devoid of disappointment or anger. In Erwin's blue eyes, there was only a deep and dark look of pure pain. But Levi watched in horror while the pain was followed closely by rage. Erwin gently took his hands away from Levi's face, stood and turned away. He took a few steps, and stared blankly at a wall. Erwin closed his eyes, trying to calm his mind. He never felt like he was an angry person in their first life, but he had never dealt with anything as frustrating. There had been things in their first life that tested his patience, but he had always relied on Levi. Levi was his constant. And he didn't have that anymore. 

Erwin looked at the table, where the little bag and paper towel were still laying. There was an open jar of jelly on the table with a snuffed out cigarette in the lid, and he shook his head, not understanding. But he knew that Levi had taken enough Xanax to put even a healthy person in the hospital. He lifted his leg and kicked the table, knocking it over, smashing the jar of jelly and disrupting the chairs. The table hit one of the walls and made a dent in the sheet rock. Erwin gasped for air. The tension in his chest and head had eased. Even that small outburst relieved him enough that he thought he could breathe easier. He could talk to Levi now. When he turned around, Levi wasn't behind him anymore. There was only one other room he could be in. 

Cautiously, Erwin walked over to the doorway of the little bathroom. Levi was kneeling down over toilet, mouth open, shoving his fingers down his throat. Drool was sliding down his hand into the water below, tears steadily running down his face, but he was only barely gagging. Erwin closed his eyes and turned out of the room. He lifted his hands and covered his eyes. His eyes were prickling and hot. He couldn't look at Levi that way. That wasn't his Captain. Erwin's hands ran up his face and through his hair. 

_“Force it,”_ Erwin told himself. _“You let it happen. Force yourself to look at it.”_ He sniffled and wiped at his eyes. They were wet, but there weren't any tears falling down his face. He turned back around and walked into the bathroom. Levi was still attempting to make himself vomit. “Stop it, Levi,” Erwin said. “That won't help.” Levi took his fingers out of his mouth and sniffed hard. His nose was running too. 

“I want to take it back,” Levi slurred through gasping breaths. “I take it back, Erwin.”

“You can't,” Erwin walked farther into the bathroom. He leaned over and pulled Levi away from the toilet. Kneeling down on one knee, Erwin ran his hand over Levi's back. “You can't take it back.” Levi looked up at Erwin, face red and blotchy from tears. And Erwin could see in Levi's eyes that he wasn't thinking clearly anymore. All of the inhibitions to vulnerability that Levi normally had were gone. Erwin pulled him close and held him tightly. He hoped that Levi would eventually calm down even if that meant he had to pass out first. 

“I'm sorry, Erwin,” Levi whispered. The sob welled in his chest and escaped before he could catch it. He body rocked with its intensity. He didn't have the strength to pull away from Erwin's chest, and another sobbed forced its way out of his body. When he exhaled the breath he was holding, it burst out of him in broken cries. He inhaled a shuddering breath. Levi sobbed so heavily it hurt his chest. He was still hyperventilating. He cried so hard, he coughed and choked on mucus in the back of his throat. Erwin had to take a minute and collect himself. Levi had never broken down so heavily or quickly. Even the day that Isabel and Furlan died, he could still stand on his own feet. Erwin ran his hand into Levi's hair and closed his eyes. “I'm so fucking sorry, Erwin!” Levi screamed into his chest. Sobs made tremors rush through Levi's body. 

_“It's the drug,”_ Erwin reminded himself. _“This isn't Levi. This is the drug.”_ Erwin swallowed and took a breath. He leaned close to Levi's ear. “We can talk about this, Levi. But I have to take you to the hospital.” Levi lifted his head and shook it. 

“Don't,” Levi slurred. 

“You've taken too much,” Erwin muttered. “Eight was too much. But with methadone it can kill you, Levi. I have to take you to the hospital.” Levi lifted his face, stained and splotched red with tears and looked Erwin in the eye.

“Don't take everything away from me, Erwin,” Levi begged. “Don't punish me, Erwin. Let me fuck up this last time.” His eyelids were already dropping. When Levi started to go limp, Erwin wrapped his arms tighter around Levi's back to hold him up. 

“Levi,” Erwin whispered. “If I don't get help for you, you are _going_ to die.” 

“Everything hurts,” Levi slurred. “And I'm tired.” Erwin supported Levi with one hand and ran the other one through his dark hair. 

“I know,” Erwin whispered. He pushed Levi's hair away from his face which was stuck with sweat and tears and spit. “I know you're tired, darling. It's okay to go to sleep.” 

“I think,” Levi paused, not able to immediately finish the sentence. His eyelids fluttered. Erwin watched Levi's face relax, his eyelids trying to close. 

“What do you think?” Erwin asked. Levi's eyes opened fully and they search Erwin's face. But they looked dull. 

“I think I'm just tired,” Levi slurred, his eyelids drooping again, his head nodding. “I just want to be okay again.” Erwin nodded, his eyes taking in the image of Levi's limp expressions. There was a smile pulling at the corners of Levi's mouth, and Erwin hated it. 

“We'll be okay, Levi,” Erwin said. Levi smiled wider at that. His eyelids fell closed, and Erwin watched to see if he would wake up again. Levi opened his eyes and looked at Erwin. Surprisingly, Levi raised one hand and sloppily ran it across Erwin's right cheek. When he pulled his hand away, he was able to lower it some before he gave up and let it drop.

“You're okay,” Levi mumbled. Erwin knew that Levi was reaching the euphoric part of the high, and there wasn't going to be much more time before he passed out. At least, he was finally calm. 

Erwin wrapped his arms under Levi's armpits and clasped his hands behind Levi's back. Levi was fading fast, and Erwin needed to get him down the stairs of the apartment building before Levi was completely unconscious. Carefully, Erwin pulled Levi to him and made an attempt to stand. Levi made a weak attempt of wrapping his arms around Erwin's shoulders. 

“That's it, darling,” Erwin whispered to him. “Hold onto me.” He pressed Levi close and carefully raised up from the bathroom floor. That's when Levi's arms became limp, and Erwin had to readjust Levi to carry his dead weight. Erwin kept one arm tightly wrapped against Levi's back and put his other hand behind Levi's head. He backed out of the tiny bathroom and out of the door. Then, Erwin turned around and began moving towards the apartment door. But his knees felt weak, and Levi's weight was too much. The stress was making his muscles too rigid. 

After only a few more steps, Erwin carefully and slowly lowered Levi all the way to the carpeted floor. When he laid Levi's head down, he noticed that Levi's eyes were closed, and he looked absolutely peaceful. Quickly, Erwin checked his pulse. He knew that Levi wasn't dead. With an overdose, he thought Levi's body should at least vomit first, trying to purge the poison. And the pulse under Erwin's fingers was strong. But Levi looked so weak. There wasn't even the smallest expression on his face. He lowered himself and pushed Levi's hair back before planting a firm kiss on Levi's forehead. 

“I'm going to fix it,” Erwin whispered. “I promise I'll fix this.” Erwin gasped. He kept expecting tears, but they didn't come. As he was about to pick up Levi again, Erwin realized that he was much too upset to drive them anywhere. He would only be a hazard on the road. And he couldn't call anyone else to come get them. Erwin couldn't think straight, and he hated it. 

When he looked at Levi's face again, he realized that he needed to call for an ambulance. Maybe Levi's body was peaceful now, but it may not stay that way. And there was a time limit. Erwin pushed Levi's hair back again so he could see his face. He leaned forward, pressing another kiss to Levi's forehead before he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. 

Erwin sniffled as he dialed the number, and he put the phone to his ear. 

“911. What's your emergency?” 

“I need an ambulance please.” 

“What's the address, sir?” Erwin quickly recalled Levi's address to the woman, and he waited for the next question. He gave the dispatcher his phone number even though she didn't ask for it. “ Okay. I have the address and your phone number. Are you injured, sir?” 

“No. My partner is on methadone maintenance therapy, and he's taken eight milligrams of unprescribed Xanax. He's overdosed,” Erwin said. He ran his fingers through Levi's hair again. 

“He's overdosed on Xanax, sir?” 

“Yes. And he takes a prescription for methadone.” 

“Is he conscious?” 

“No.” 

“Alright. I have an ambulance on the way. What's your partners name, sir?” 

“Landon Armstrong.” 

“Landon Armstrong?” 

“Yes.” 

“How old is Landon?” 

“He turned 28 on Christmas,” Erwin said.

“He's 28?”

“Yes. Just one moment. I'm going to put you on speakerphone.” Erwin took the phone away from his ear and turned on the speakerphone. 

“What's your name, sir?” 

“My name is Ean Scott,” Erwin said. He grabbed Levi's shoulders and rolled Levi over onto his side, pulling his right leg forward into a bent position. 

“Why did you put me on speakerphone, Ean?” 

“I needed to put him in the recovery position in case he vomits,” Erwin said. 

“Oh. Sounds like you know what you're doing. That's a good thing,” the dispatcher said. Erwin didn't respond. He laid down on the floor facing Levi and pushed his hand into Levi's hair again. “The address you gave me is an apartment, Ean?” 

“Yes.” 

“Does the building have multiple floors?” 

“We're on the third floor. There's no elevator.” 

“How tall is Landon, Ean?” 

“He's 160 centimeters. Five foot three.” 

“And how much does he weigh?” 

“He's 140 pounds,” Erwin said. 

“And he's completely unconscious?” 

“Yes.” 

“You're doing great, Ean. Just stay calm for me, and paramedics are going to be there really soon.” 

“Thank you.” 

“How does he look, Ean?” 

“He looks like he's sleeping,” Erwin said. 

“You said that you put him in the recovery position? On his side with his top leg pulled forward?” 

“Yes.” 

“So, he's on the floor of the apartment then?” 

“Yes.” 

“And you're still with him, correct?” 

“Yes. I'm still with him.” 

“Is the door to the apartment locked, Ean?” 

“No,” Erwin looked up at the door and saw that it was still unlocked. “I left it unlocked when I came in.” He looked back at Levi. 

“How is his breathing, Ean? Is he still breathing?” 

“Yes,” Erwin said. “He's breathing fine. He only took the pills less than thirty minutes ago, I guess. But he crushed them.” 

“You found him while he was still conscious?” 

“Yes,” Erwin said. 

“The paramedics are on the way. They're almost there. Okay, Ean?” 

“Okay.” 

“You said he crushed the pills? Do you think he snorted them?” 

“No,” Erwin said. “He wouldn't snort them.”

“Has Landon ever overdosed before?” 

“Not that I know of,” Erwin said. “But he's been using drugs for a long time.” 

“Okay. The paramedics are almost there. How is his breathing?” 

“It's still strong,” Erwin said. He pulled his hand out of Levi's hair, but just pressed his fingers into the dark locks again and stared at him. There wasn't a single sign of stress in his features. Levi's chest was still rising and falling. His breathing was heavy, as if he was just sleeping. Erwin could hear the sirens. 

“Are his lips look blue at all, Ean?” 

“No.” 

“Does Landon have any history of heart problems?” 

“No.” 

“The paramedics are on their way, Ean. Okay?” 

“Okay.” 

“Have you known Landon for a long time, Ean?” 

“I've known him forever.”


	27. January 8, 2015

Erwin was bent over his third cup of coffee while he waited in the Emergency Room waiting area. He supported his head in one of his palms, staring blankly into the coffee cup. A few times, nurses had come out to speak with him about Levi's condition, and it seemed to be improving. He was only waiting for the next nurse to come out and tell him what would happen next. When any of the nurses spoke to him, Erwin didn't ask any questions, and they seemed disturbed by that behavior. A few of them babbled on to try and fill the silence. Some of them only reported the basics before asking if he had any questions and excusing themselves. 

The automatic doors leading back to the Emergency Room made a metallic sound when they opened. Quiet, short footsteps made their way over to Erwin, and he saw a pair of white sneakers on the floor in front of him. 

“Excuse me, sir,” she said. 

“Yes,” Erwin lifted his head out of his hand and looked up. Petra Ral looked down at him. Her wide amber eyes were watering. 

“If you could please follow me, I'll update you on the status of your relative,” Petra said with a robotic tone. Erwin was stunned, looking up at the woman in front of him. It took a few moments for her words to register. Her eyes searched his face, looking for an answer of whether he remembered. Erwin nodded. Petra mouthed the word _Commander_. 

He stood, towering over Petra, and she turned, leading the way. She led him though the Emergency Room waiting area to a hallway of the hospital. Erwin didn't pay attention to where he was going. He could only focus on the head of red hair in front of him. Even her hair was the same. The only thing that made him question whether or not he was looking at one of the members of Levi's Squad was her purple scrubs. 

Petra led him through several hallways before she walked to a private waiting area. With a glance, Erwin read the plaque next to the door which said: Surgery Waiting. Petra opened the door, and he followed her, closing it behind him. 

Once the door was closed, Petra whipped around and planted her right fist over her heart. Then, she burst into sobs. Each force of exhaled air from her lungs stunned Erwin, and for only a moment, he was a complete loss. His brain was strained from the previous evening and the entire night of worrying for news of Levi. Unable to think of any other way to comfort her, Erwin stepped forward and leaned down, wrapping his left arm around Petra's waist and pulling her close to him. Immediately, she dropped the salute and reached up, wrapping her arms around his neck. She sobbed heavily into his shoulder, unhindered. Erwin tightened his grasp around her, hoping that the pressure would comfort her. He lowered his head against her hair and closed his eyes. The coffee cup in his right hand felt heavy, and he struggled to hold onto it. 

“Commander, I remembered,” Petra whimpered. “I remembered all of it.” The end of her sentences were broken, and she sobbed heavily into Erwin's shirt. 

“It's alright, Petra,” Erwin whispered against her hair. “You aren't alone anymore.” 

“I fainted,” Petra sobbed. “It hurt so much!” 

“Shhh,” Erwin breathed against her shoulder. “Everything's alright, Petra.” She sniffled against Erwin's shirt, and gasped for air. “Everyone is going to be okay.” Erwin dropped his coffee cup. He heard the stiff paper hit the floor, and he winced. But there were more important things happening than spilled coffee. Erwin wrapped his right arm around Petra and held her. He felt like he should say something more, but instead he simply closed his eyes and rested them while the girl sobbed in his arms. A few times, Petra coughed from all of the exertion of crying. Erwin simply held onto her and tried to rest his mind. 

After a few more minutes, Petra began struggling in his arms. Erwin opened his eyes, blinked a few times, and loosened his hold on her. Petra pulled her face back from his shirt and looked down at the spilled coffee. She pulled away, and Erwin released his hold on her slowly. He had almost fallen asleep with her in his arms even though he was still on his feet. 

When she moved, her white sneakers squeaked against the polished floor, and she turned around to go to the coffee pot in one corner of the room. She picked up a few napkins from the little table and cleaned up the mess for Erwin, throwing his cup away. Once the mess was taken care of, Petra wiped her face with one of the napkins and balled it up before throwing it away. She pushed at her scrubs, smoothing them out before she looked up at her Commander. His stern blue eyes analyzing her, as they always had. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw that look. 

“We've found several other people as well,” Erwin said. “Squad Leaders Mike Zacharius and Hange Zoe. Nanaba and Moblit as well. You can meet all of them today if you like.” Petra nodded, sniffling again. “You're a trauma nurse?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“How is he?” Petra inhaled with a sharp, broken breath. 

“I'm so sorry, Commander, I didn't even offer to tell you-”

“It's fine,” Erwin said. “I know how shocking it is. You can tell me now.” 

“They've moved him up to the ICU,” Petra explained. “That's what I supposed to do. I was supposed to let you know to go up there. I insisted on doing it because,” Petra paused and frowned. She broke eye contact, remembering the night, and then she looked up to the face of her Commander again. “He went into respiratory arrest, and we had to give him a dose of Narcan, Commander. Narcan forces the methadone out of the opioid receptor, and it takes away the high. Normally, addicts don't respond to that very well.” Erwin nodded. He was surprised that Petra's demeanor seemed to change when she was talking about work again. “He woke up, came off the gurney, and-” Petra shrugged, shaking her head. “He started screaming out orders in our first language, and I made eye contact with him. He grabbed me too.” Petra lowered her head and looked at the floor. “It came back so quickly, I was even able to understand the order. But I fainted as soon as they pulled him off me. When I woke up, I was frustrated that I hadn't been able to help him. I insisted on being the one to direct the family, but I didn't know who I would find.” Erwin nodded. Petra looked up at him again. “He fought hard, Commander. He's still the strongest.” Erwin continued to nod, not allowing a facial expression to present itself. 

“What order did he give you?” Erwin asked. Petra swallowed and shook her head. 

“Something about getting out of the way,” Petra said. Erwin stopped nodding. He wondered what scenario Levi had hallucinated. Maybe Levi had been trying to save Petra's life while she attempted to save his as well. 

“Do you have time to answer another question?” Erwin asked. 

“Yes, sir.” 

“How long have you been working at this hospital?” Erwin tilted his head, analyzing Petra before she spoke. First, her eyebrows pulled together, but they released quickly and she smiled. Her eyes dropped to the floor. 

“Only since November,” Petra said. “I've lived in California all of my life, and I wanted a change.” Erwin waited because Petra still hadn't lifted her eyes from the floor. “There were plenty of nursing jobs. It's cheaper to live over here. At first, I didn't like it.” Petra shook her head like she couldn't believe what she had done. “But I wanted to stay. I thought it was just culture shock, and I would get over it.” She lifted her eyes then, and looked at Erwin. “I felt like I couldn't quit yet.” Erwin gave her a tired smile. 

“I'm glad you stayed,” Erwin said. “Thank you for what you've done.” Petra eyes watered again, and she wiped at the tears in frustration with an exasperated gasp. Erwin reached out and put a hand on shoulder, squeezing gently. “You did well.” 

“Thank you, Commander,” Petra grunted, still wiping at stray tears. She sniffled and made firm eye contact again. 

“Are you off of your shift?” 

“In forty-five minutes, sir, at six.” 

“Would you have time to escort me to the ICU?” Erwin asked. 

“Yes, Commander, absolutely!” Petra offered quickly. 

“One moment,” Erwin said. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and brought up his web browser. “You said that he spoke our language in front of the staff?” 

“Yes, sir,” Petra said. Erwin did a quick Google search. Familiarized himself with the information that he would need for an explanation in case anyone asked, and turned off the screen of his phone to put it back in his pocket. 

“Thank you,” Erwin said. He turned, moved to the door and opened it for her. Petra walked past the Commander and exited the room. Erwin followed closely behind. Quickly, Petra led him to the elevator.

The elevator ride was faster than he expected, and Erwin was on the correct floor before he actually realized it. Sleep deprivation was causing his brain to move quite a bit slower. When the doors of the elevator opened, Erwin followed Petra mindlessly. She walked down the short hallway and stopped in front of double doors recessed into the wall on the left side. Erwin approached the two doors and Petra pressed the green button to alert the nurses to their presence. 

“Petra,” Erwin said. 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Would you give me a moment with him? We can discuss this more when I return.” 

“Yes, sir,” she said. Petra stepped back to the other side of the hallway and leaned against the wall. 

After a moment, a nurse approached one of the doors and opened it. 

“Yes, sir,” she said. 

“I'm Ean Scott,” Erwin said. “I'm here to see Le-Landon Armstrong.” 

“Come in,” she said, holding the door for him. Erwin took hold of the door and stepped into the ICU area. He put his hands in his pockets and followed the nurse over to a small desk area. There was a male in a long white coat who was writing on some while standing at the desk, and he wondered if that was Levi's doctor. 

“Dr. Chang,” the nurse said. “Ean Scott here to see you.” The doctor looked up from the paperwork he was writing on and smiled at Erwin. 

“Hello, Mr. Scott. I'm Dr. Chang,” the man said. He offered his hand and Erwin quickly took his hands out of his pocket and shook the doctor's hand. “Landon is doing much better. You were right to call the ambulance as quickly as you did.” The doctor paused in case Erwin wanted to saw anything, but he didn't respond. “He did go into respiratory arrest after about thirty minutes of being in the Emergency Room. We gave him a total four doses of Narcan, Mr. Scott. Do you know what that is?” Erwin shook his head, pretending that Petra hadn't already explained it to him. “It essentially knocks the methadone off of his opioid receptors in his brain. We had to give him four doses over a period of time until he could breathe properly on his own. He stopped breathing completely the first time, but we didn't wait so long to give him more Narcan for the other three doses. We're planning on keeping him in the ICU for a couple of days.” Erwin nodded and didn't change his body's posture. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again. The doctor was patient, but Erwin never chose to say anything. “My main concern is his psychological state. We're used to seeing a lot of strange, emotional, or agitated behavior when a high is taken away from an addict, but I've never seen anything like that. One the nurses fainted.” 

“What did he do?” Erwin asked quietly, feigning ignorance. He wanted information from as many different points of view as possible. 

“He sat straight up and started screaming in a language that I've never heard,” the doctor explained. “He grabbed one of the nurses, but he seemed more frightened than angry. It did upset her though.” 

“Is the nurse alright?”

“She's the one who told you to come up here. She seemed alright,” the doctor said. 

“I'm sorry that he upset one of your staff,” Erwin provided. The doctor shook his head, showing it wasn't necessary. “His mother was an immigrant. He might have been speaking the language she taught him,” Erwin lied. The doctor nodded, frowning. Disbelief flashed over his features quickly. 

“That makes a lot more sense then. Maybe he was too disoriented to fully speak the language correctly?” Erwin shook his head and shrugged. 

“It's possible,” Erwin said. “His mother was part of the generation of the Ainu people who began to mix Ainu and Japanese before Ainu was fully replaced by Japanese. When he talks in his sleep, sometimes he'll use a mixture of languages.” Erwin watched the doctor's face for further disbelief, and he didn't see any. That must have settled the matter. 

“Mr. Scott, I need to ask you a difficult question,” Dr. Chang said. Erwin nodded, encouraging him to continue. “Do you believe this might have been a suicide attempt?” 

“No,” Erwin said firmly. 

“Would you please explain why you feel so strongly that it wasn't?” 

“I believe it was a misjudgment based on his anxiety level,” Erwin said. The doctor nodded, breaking eye contact with Erwin, even narrowing his eyes while he considered that. While the doctor was thinking, Erwin realized a question that he wanted to ask. “Has he been given his regular dose of methadone this morning?” 

“Oh, no,” Dr. Chang said. “We won't be able to give it to him until the Xanax is completely out of his system. The Xanax is past its half-life, but due to the amount that he took and how much trouble he had breathing, I simply won't risk it.” 

“Will he go into withdrawal today?” 

“No,” Dr. Chang said. “Methadone has a very long half-life. He could go without it for a day or two for his body to go into full withdrawal. While the Narcan was in his system, he did experience some of the most basic symptoms of withdrawal due the methadone being forced away from its normal position. But to keep his lungs functioning, that's more than a fair trade.” Erwin nodded, relieved that the doctor wasn't asking any more prying questions. “He's disoriented and sleeping a lot. He's still under the influence of the Xanax, and it's obvious. Would you like to see him now, or would you want to wait until all of the Xanax is gone?” 

“I want to see him,” Erwin said, pulling his hands out of his pockets. Dr. Chang smiled and nodded. He turned away from the desk and led Erwin to the room a few feet down the hallway from the desk. The room didn't have a proper door, instead it was only separated from everything else by a curtain. The doctor pulled the curtain back for Erwin, and both men stepped into the room. 

Erwin couldn't walk over to the bed. He stood near the doctor and looked at Levi. The bed was tilted up so that Levi wasn't laying completely flat. Levi had his eyes closed, but his eyelids were dark. His black hair was soaked through with sweat and stuck to his forehead, and he was wrapped up in multiple blankets as if he was freezing. He had a nasal oxygen tube. 

“Landon,” Dr. Chang said. Levi opened his eyes and they darted over to Erwin. Erwin stepped forward when he saw that Levi was looking for him.

“I'm here,” Erwin whispered. He framed Levi's face with his hands and put a kiss on Levi's forehead. Levi's forehead was coated in dried sweat. “I'm here.” Levi relaxed in the bed a bit more then. Erwin pulled his hands away. He braced himself on the side rails of the hospital bed and watched Levi's face. Levi continued to look up at him, searching for something. “They said you've been asking for me.” Levi nodded and closed his eyes again. Erwin's eyes gazed over Levi's face and fell on his lips, which were so dry they had cracked in a couple of places, showing dried blood in a few of the deepest cracks. “How about some water?” Erwin turned and saw a cup of water with a straw in it on a hospital tray. He took the cup from the table and offered the straw to Levi. Levi took a few sips of water. 

“I'll give you some time,” Dr. Chang said. “Come see me before you leave please, Mr. Scott.” 

“Thank you,” Erwin said, without taking his eyes off Levi. When Levi had enough water, he opened his eyes to watch the doctor leave the room through the curtain. Erwin put the cup of water back on the table. He braced himself on the side rail with one arm and petted Levi's hair back a bit with his right hand. It didn't help fix Levi's hair at all, and Erwin stopped petting him. 

“I want tea,” Levi muttered. His voice sounded like his had gravel in his throat. 

“I'll ask for them to fix you some tea,” Erwin whispered. Levi's eyes raised up and looked at Erwin. 

“Am I injured?” Levi asked. Erwin shook his head. His chest tightened when he saw the tears start to run down Levi's face. Unable to help himself, Erwin pushed his fingers into Levi's hair. It was coarse and oily from sweat. “Did everyone come home?” Levi whimpered. Erwin swallowed, failing to find a response. Levi continued to look up at him, obviously begging with his eyes. “Erwin,” he whispered, his voice breaking on the last syllable. 

“Everyone came home, Levi,” Erwin whispered. “You brought everyone home.” Levi released a heavy exhale. He smiled briefly, and closed his eyes. “Don't worry for anything. Everyone's home, Levi. You should rest,” Erwin muttered. Levi opened his eyes and looked up again.

“Will you stay until I fall asleep again?” Levi asked in a hoarse whisper. Erwin looked around the room and saw a chair on the other side of the bed. He walked around the bed, pulled the chair closer and sat down. Erwin sat up straight in the chair and kept his eyes on Levi's face. When he saw Levi turn his hand over, Erwin's eyes glanced down. Involuntarily, Erwin leaned forward and wrapped his hand in Levi's. He tried to maintain a loose grip on it, but Levi squeezed his hand gently. Erwin glanced back up to Levi's face and saw that he had already closed his eyes again. 

_“If I had been a Commander for you, this wouldn't have gone so far,”_ Erwin thought. _“We've done things in the wrong order this time.”_ Erwin stared at Levi's eyelids when they relaxed. _“I can fix this for us, darling. I'll give you what you need.”_ Erwin felt Levi's hand around his loosen. As soon as he felt like Levi had really fallen asleep again, Erwin stood from the chair and quietly left the room. He saw that Dr. Chang was still waiting at the nurse's station. 

When Dr. Chang turned around, he smiled at Erwin and nodded. 

“Is he sleeping again?” 

“Yes,” Erwin said. “Do you think he'll sleep for most of the day?”

“Yes,” the doctor said. “He might wake up a few times, but he won't be fully aware of himself until tomorrow, I'm sure.” 

“What did you want to speak with me about?” 

“Do you think he would consider rehab, Mr. Scott?” 

“I'm sure he'll decide to go now,” Erwin said. “I'm positive.” The doctor nodded. 

“I hope you're right,” he said. “If you need any literature or information about the local facilities, I can direct you to a part of the hospital where you can collect it.” 

“No, thank you,” Erwin said. “He's already decided where he wants to go.” 

“Oh,” the doctor said, frowning. “If I may offer some advice, please keep in mind that most rehab facilities won't admit him to their program based on his consent alone. They consider addicts to be too impaired to make such decisions. And on that note, when he's lucid he may refuse to go to rehab as quickly as he's agreed to it.” 

“I understand. Thank you, Dr. Chang,” Erwin said. The doctor nodded. “I'll be back tomorrow.”

“Go get some sleep,” the doctor suggested. “We'll call you if anything changes.” 

“Thank you,” Erwin said quietly before he walked past the doctor to leave the ICU. 

When he pressed the button to open the automatic doors of the ICU, Petra leaned away from the wall. She approached her Commander, staring up at him, waiting for his direction. Erwin pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened his contacts. He handed the phone to Petra. 

“You can take all of the phone numbers for the veterans,” Erwin instructed. “Make sure to take Captain Levi's. Also,” Erwin paused. Petra looked up from his phone. “I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you not to visit the Captain today. If you're willing, I'd like to ask for help with a certain task.” 

“Yes, sir,” Petra agreed. Determination flashed heatedly in her eyes. 

“Take the numbers,” Erwin said. “And then, of course, you'll have to go back to your shift. But when you've finished, you should call some of the others. It's early enough that not everyone is at work yet. But Nanaba will be available all day, I believe, if you need to spend time with someone.” Petra looked back down at the phone in her hand and copied all of the phone numbers of the other veterans into her phone. Once she was finished, she handed the Commander's phone back to him. He took it, turning off the screen, and waited while Petra sent out a mass message to the others to distribute her number.

Petra turned off the screen of her phone and looked up at the Commander. 

“I have some business to take care of,” Erwin said. “Could you please escort me back to the Emergency Room exit?” 

“Yes, sir.” Petra turned and began walking down the hallway. She put her phone away, readjusting her focus on her task from the Commander and the rest of her work shift. While he followed, Erwin pulled his phone out of his pocket and pulled up Mike text messages. 

_Erwin: Are you on your way to work yet?_

_Mike: Nanaba is blowing up my phone. We both received messages from Petra Ral? What the hell is happening Erwin?_

_Erwin: Are you able to pick me up at the hospital?_

_Mike: Which one?_

_Erwin: Bring cigarettes and water. I'll wait for you under the portico._

Erwin walked into the elevator with Petra while he typed the address and name of the hospital to Mike. He put his phone back in his pocket, and looked over at Petra. She was staring up at him, still quite stunned. When he made eye contact, she looked straight ahead instead. Erwin turned and looked at the metal doors of the elevator. 

The elevator doors opened, and Petra led the way out. She took the Commander back through the hospital and led him to the exit of the Emergency Room. They stopped in the lobby and looked at each other again. 

“Unfortunately, I won't be able to spend much time with you today,” Erwin said. “When is your next off day?” 

“I work from 2230 to 0600, Monday through Friday, sir,” Petra explained. “Did you need my help?” 

“Yes,” Erwin said. “I'd like to speak with you on Saturday, preferably late morning, if you can manage that.” 

“Yes, sir,” Petra said. 

“Thank you,” Erwin responded with a nod. Petra took that to mean she was excused and walked back into the Emergency Room to finish her shift. Erwin watched her go for a moment before he turned and walked out of the automatic doors of the hospital. He looked out at the parking lot while he waited for Mike, resting his hands in his pockets. 

His mind wandered aimlessly while he waited in the chilly air. The cold helped him to stay awake on his feet. When the blue pickup truck came into view, Erwin stepped closer to the edge of the sidewalk. Mike pulled into the portico a bit too fast, and Erwin waited for the vehicle to stop. He opened the passenger side door and sat down in the passenger seat. Shutting the door, he looked over at Mike. 

Rather than saying anything, Mike handed Erwin a fresh pack of Marlboro Smooths with a lighter. He sniffed hard a few times and rolled down the windows. Erwin took that to mean that spending a hellish night in a hospital waiting room had left him with a certain odor.

“Thank you, Mike,” Erwin said, taking the pack. He began packing it against his palm while Mike pulled away from the hospital. As an afterthought, Erwin buckled his seat belt. Opening the pack, Erwin put a cigarette in his mouth and struck the lighter to burn the end of his cigarette. Mike began putting a cigarette of his own brand in his mouth. 

“Water,” Mike reminded Erwin after he lit his cigarette. “Between your feet.” Erwin looked between in feet and there was a plastic bag that he hadn't noticed when he climbed into the truck. He bent down and pulled a fresh water bottle out of the bag. Cracking the seal on the top, Erwin drank water with one hand and smoked with the other. Mike pulled onto the main road leading away from the hospital and turned. 

“I left my car at Levi's place,” Erwin said. 

“You can text me the address and we'll go get it later,” Mike offered. 

“Thank you.” Comfortable silence filled the cab of the truck while they smoked. Once their cigarettes were spent, Erwin released the butt from the window, not thinking about littering. Briefly, his mind wandered to how irritated Levi would be if he had known Erwin had done that. But he redirected his train of thought to more important things. He began creating a mental list of things that he needed to do when he returned home. First, he needed sleep, at least a few hours. Then, he had to begin researching rehab facilities to find the perfect fit for Levi. He was going to make certain demands, and if he expected Levi to follow through with them, he needed to give him all of the tools possible to succeed. Erwin rationalized that this was the same as having the right tools for the job during a mission. Everything needed to be perfect. Then, he considered the list that he needed to make for Levi. There were going to be some difficult decisions that Levi needed to make, and Erwin wasn't willing to hold his hand to give support anymore. 

The trip out of the city and back to Erwin's house was long, but Erwin didn't even notice. His eyelids fell a few times. When Mike pulled into the driveway, he parked in front of Erwin's closed garage door. He waited, looking over to Erwin. 

“Relapse,” Mike provided. Erwin nodded, looking out of the window instead of over at Mike. 

“I made a mistake,” Erwin said. Irritation flared in Mike's chest, but Erwin looked so tired, so fucking weary, that he didn't have the heart to verbalize his thoughts. And Erwin continued. “I reversed the natural order of things. I should have been a Commander for him first, and if the position of lover presented itself again, I could have taken it.” Erwin cleared his throat. He was dehydrated from all of the coffee. He drank another mouthful of water and swallowed heavily. _“Selfish,”_ Erwin thought. He considered saying the word out loud, but he could feel Mike struggling. Mike looked away from Erwin, hanging his head and looking down at his own lap. He couldn't argue against what Erwin was saying. It made a lot of sense, but he wished that Erwin wasn't so torn up about it. 

“There's nothing wrong with what you've done,” Mike said. Erwin blinked his eyes a few times and looked over to his best friend. He examined Mike's body language. Mike lifted his head and looked at Erwin. “It's alright to want to be happy,” Mike nodded. Erwin broke the eye contact, and a shiver ran down Mike's spine. Erwin looked back out of the passenger window. 

“Mike, do you remember what it's like to smell Titans before they run at you?” Erwin asked. Mike didn't answer immediately. “Do you remember what it was like in Iraq when you could feel that something was going to go wrong?” Mike nodded, remembering a few moments specifically. 

“I remember,” Mike muttered. 

“I felt it,” Erwin said. “I felt it coming. And I was just as helpless to stop it this time.” 

“There's nothing you can do for things like this, Erwin. No amount of preparation is going to help you when an enemy strikes,” Mike said. 

“The fact remains that I've made a miscalculation,” Erwin said. “I'm going to need some assistance within the next few days, from everyone. Petra most of all, but she's willing so far.” 

“How did Petra get mixed up in this?” 

“She's an emergency room nurse,” Erwin explained. He looked back over at Mike. “She remembered when she saw Levi.” Mike's eyebrow twitched up. “Hange's speculation of how we remember is correct. Our memories are triggered by the person we thought of last before we died.” Mike searched Erwin's face, looking for a sign of disappointment. But there wasn't any. Only the Commander was present in the vehicle. Mike felt uncomfortable when he saw the familiar darkness in Erwin's eyes. 

“How can I help, Commander?” 

“If you could be my representative with everyone else, that would help a great deal,” Erwin said. Mike nodded. 

“Of course.” 

“I'm going to research for a rehab facility,” Erwin said. “His personal belongings are here, so I'll pack for him as well. The goals for today are to help Petra adjust as much as possible. I believe that she's going to be with Nanaba for most of the day. She works nights though, so she will need sleep, I'm sure. If possible, please have Hange go by the hospital to see Levi during visiting hours. I doubt that he'll be awake for long periods of time, but he's extremely disoriented. No one can tell Levi about Petra. I have plans for her.” Erwin paused, thinking. “Long term goals include me paying the remainder of the rent on Levi's apartment. I'll have to clean it out as well. We'll move him into Hange's house when he's finished rehab. If she won't agree to be his half-way house, she'll have to let me know.” 

“I'm pretty sure she wants to be a half-way house for all of us,” Mike said. Erwin nodded. 

“Once he's out of rehab, he'll need a job,” Erwin said. “I don't believe he's going to be able to keep the one he currently has, unfortunately.” 

“We've got a few months to work on that,” Mike said. 

“Can you think of anything else?” Erwin asked. He looked over at Mike. “Do you have any questions?” There was a flash of concern in his brown eyes for a moment. 

“What about you?” 

“I called sick from work about an hour and a half ago,” Erwin explained. “I'll take the day to sleep. I'll go see him again tomorrow morning.” 

“Do you have long term plans for yourself?” Mike asked. 

“Not currently,” Erwin said. “I'm sure they will develop.” Mike nodded. “Do you have any actual questions about our objectives?”

“No,” Mike said. “Keep your phone volume on though. I might think of something.” Erwin nodded. He picked up the pack of cigarettes that Mike bought for him and secured his water bottle. 

“Thank you for the ride,” Erwin said. 

“Yes, sir.” Erwin unbuckled his seat belt, but didn't immediately move to get out of the car. “Do you want me to stay with you a while?” Erwin shook his head. He opened the truck door and stepped out of the vehicle. “Erwin.” Erwin dipped his head and looked into the vehicle over at Mike. “If you do that thing where you ignore my phone calls or texts, I'm coming back over with Hange.” Erwin stood erect and closed the truck door. Mike watched him walk around the front of the vehicle and walk into the house. 

When Erwin closed the front door behind himself, he locked it and walked through the foyer to his kitchen. He kicked off his shoes next to the island, pulling his phone out of his pants pocket to set it down, and he went to the counter and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. After taking a glass out of one of the cabinets, Erwin poured himself a glass and stood in front of the kitchen sink. He sipped on the whiskey first and took another cigarette out of the pack. Lighting the cigarette, Erwin inhaled heavily and chased the smoke with a swallow of liquor before he breathed out through his nostrils. He rested his cigarette hand against the edge of the sink and flicked the end with his thumb repetitively. 

The house was so quiet. And Erwin's mind felt very loud even if he wasn't specifically thinking of anything. He closed his eyes to rest them while he dragged on his cigarette again. After another swallow of whiskey, Erwin put the glass down and picked up his cell phone. He opened up his contacts and scrolled through the names. Squinting at the screen, Erwin scrolled all the way to the bottom of his contact list. He scrolled up again and read each name individually. Both times, he paused at Levi's name. Erwin turned the screen of his phone off and put it down on the counter, picking up the whiskey glass again. 

While he had a strong desire to speak to someone, anyone, he couldn't find a name in his contact list of someone whom he trusted with this type of vulnerability. Levi had been the only one that Erwin had ever been emotionally intimate with, and calling him would be pointless. He was still too high to think straight. He realized that Levi's phone must still be at the apartment. Erwin made a note to retrieve that for Levi. Levi would need it for a few things before he left for rehab.

Erwin drank another swallow of liquor before dragging on his cigarette again. The loneliness set in quickly, and it was followed by the idea of going back to the hospital. But he didn't have a vehicle to use. That was enough of a deterrent for him to not follow through with the action. Erwin lifted the glass to his lips and tilted it back, finishing the drink. He filled the glass halfway again. Without hesitating, Erwin drained the entire half glass of whiskey with gasps in between swallows. Once the glass was empty, he put it on the counter and slid it away from himself. 

Erwin leaned over the sink and focused on finishing the cigarette, ashing down into the stainless steel sink. He looked at the mess that the ash was making. 

_“I'm ruining your clean sink, Levi,”_ Erwin thought. He ran his unoccupied hand through his hair. After another drag, Erwin dropped the cigarette into the sink. He stepped back and stripped off his shirt and trousers. Stepping over to the trash can, Erwin lifted the lid and dropped his clothes into the container. He put the lid back on the can and walked back to the kitchen island. Taking the bottle of liquor and his cigarettes, Erwin left the kitchen and mindlessly walked down the hallway. 

Once he was in his bedroom, the weariness he felt in his muscles was damn near debilitating. He was looking forward to crawling into bed passing out. In the dim room, Erwin walked over to the bed and put the bottle of liquor and cigarettes on the nightstand. He pulled off his socks and tossed them haphazardly near the laundry hamper. Then, he grabbed the bottle of anti-depressants from the nightstand and took his daily dose that he missed the night before. After putting the bottle back on the nightstand, he fell into bed and sighed, basically moaning as his muscles relaxed. That's when he realized that he was breathing heavily, panting even. Erwin yawned and stared at the ceiling. He liked watching the blades of the ceiling fan rotate. It should have been relaxing, but instead he found himself anticipating the next blade. And naturally enough, Erwin's mind finally wandered to Levi again. All of the images from the night before passed through his mind. Specifically, he couldn't rid his mind of Levi's face while he was so thoroughly unconscious. The dead weight of Levi's body in his arms. The shine of his gray eyes had dulled. Erwin raised a hand to run it through his hair, and he dropped it to the bed. 

His hand landed on Levi's pillow. The frustration and disappointment he felt surged. Erwin picked up Levi's pillow and threw it out of the bed. With the lack of aim, the pillow flew across the nightstand, knocking the lamp over, disrupting all of Levi's medicine bottles and pushing his water glass to the floor, shattering it. All of the crashing sounds didn't ease Erwin's mind. He squinted at the ceiling, realizing that no matter what his body was demanding, his mind obviously was not going to ease. Despite all of the negativity he felt, Erwin found himself smiling, quietly laughing at his own foolishness. He was throwing a tantrum like a child when he could be doing more productive things. 

Erwin sat up in bed and grabbed his pack of cigarettes and whiskey bottle. He stopped by the bathroom to grab a glass, filling it with some water so he could use it for an ashtray. With the things he needed, Erwin walked out of the bedroom and into his office. He turned on the light and went to his chair, clicking the mouse to wake his computer up. The first thing he started on was the list of things that Levi needed to do to prepare for rehab.

> Call your workplace and resign your position immediately. 
> 
> Call your NA sponsor to inform him of your relapse and ask how to assist the person(s) you are sponsoring to find another sponsor.
> 
> Call the person(s) that you are sponsoring and explain the situation to them. Assist them in any way that you can without directly seeing them. 
> 
> Call and ask to speak to your general practitioner. Ask if the doctor will speak with you over the phone. Explain the situation to the best of your ability. 
> 
> Read through the information about the rehabilitation facility. 
> 
> Read it again. 
> 
> Inform Hange of any special items that you need packed besides clothing, medication, and toiletries. 
> 
> Give Hange your cell phone (the facility will not allow you to have it). 
> 
> Inform Hange of how your phone bill is to paid each month so you won't have to cancel your contract and your service will not be disconnected leaving you in debt. 
> 
> If you have financial responsibilities other than your rent and phone bill, or outstanding debts, list them on the back of this page and give it to Hange.

Erwin leaned back in his chair and read the list several times. His brain was slowing down once more, but he still didn't quite feel relaxed enough to sleep. While he was reading the list over and over, trying to think of anything to add to it, Erwin picked up the whiskey bottle and drank from it. He swallowed and stared at the screen. Setting the bottle back down, Erwin lit a cigarette. He smoke leisurely and relaxed in his chair, wondering if he could finally ask his mind to relax so he could sleep. 

Dragging on the cigarette, Erwin imagined going back into the bedroom and looking at the bed. He didn't want to sleep there, especially after the mess he had made during his fit. Erwin tapped his cigarette against the glass a few times to ash it. He was willing to admit to himself that he didn't want to sleep in that bed because it still reminded him of Levi. Maybe they hadn't shared the bed for long, but it felt very uncomfortable without that small form beside him. 

After printing the list, Erwin began researching rehabilitation facilities. In a separate tab, he pulled up the online banking website that he needed to check his checking and savings account. A brief look at his accounts made him feel more comfortable about choosing a rehabilitation center that would help Levi as well as hold his interest. He thought wanted to send Levi to a facility where the policies included daily, mandatory physical exercise. That would help him to acclimate to his surroundings faster. 

Unfortunately, pouring through the search results for rehabilitation facilities in the area wasn't exactly giving Erwin the satisfaction that he hoped for. Rather than continuing to look through the results, he decided to pull up Google Maps instead. He thought that a three hour drive in any direction away from Atlanta would put Levi far enough away that he felt removed, but three hours wasn't a very long drive in case an emergency should arise. Erwin estimated the radius and zoomed in to the areas around Atlanta. With only a brief look, he settled on exploring South Carolina and Tennessee more. While he was investigating South Carolina, he saw that there was a rehab facility near a wilderness area. He Googled the facility and visited their website. 

Instantly, Erwin could tell that he liked the website for the facility much more than he had any of the others. Most of the websites for rehabilitation centers looked very sterile with clean colors and pictures of patients smiling. But rehab wasn't a happy place. It wasn't a vacation. People needed rehab to do very important work. And while most people needed to relax in between all of the mental and emotional exercise, Levi didn't. Levi needed to be active as much as possible. 

The front page of website displayed a slideshow a lot of pictures of people outside hiking in proper equipment. It included pictures of people in front of beautiful waterfalls with reddened cheeks and sweat drenched hair. Then, it showed a few pictures of a group therapy session and began displaying pictures of the staff at the facility. Of course, several of them were doctors: psychiatrists, psychologists and general physicians. But then the slideshow began displaying images of doctors who were part of the “Fitness Team”. One man specifically caught Erwin's eye. He was a man with a salt and pepper, flat-top haircut and big, muscled arms crossed over his chest. Erwin took note of the large scar on the man's cheek which was indisputably a bullet wound because it flowered across his cheek and deformed one side of his lips. Despite his appearance, he was smiling and had soft dark eyes. Erwin clicked on the picture of the man while he dragged on the cigarette. The brief bio of the Fitness Instructor included that he was in the military for twelve years and an addict who had been clean for ten years. Erwin nodded to himself. That was the place he wanted to send Levi. Because even if Levi had not sustained injuries during a war in this lifetime, he needed to be near someone who could recognize that physical war injuries have no longevity in comparison to the injuries of minds and hearts. Erwin could feel in his bones that Levi could connect to this man. 

Erwin looked at the desk for his phone and didn't see it. He rolled his eyes, realizing that he left it in the kitchen. Rather than standing up to get it, Erwin ashed his cigarette again before he took another swallow of whiskey. He dragged on his cigarette after that. Slowly, Erwin savored the cigarette. The mint flavor made his throat sting. He wasn't looking forward to going to the kitchen for his phone. Once his called the facility, there would be no turning back. And if he could justify Levi's actions as anything other than a true relapse, he could talk himself out of it. He didn't want to send Levi away. Levi was going to view it as a punishment, especially when he found out Erwin's stipulations for his recovery. 

Dropping the cigarette butt into the glass, Erwin took another swallow of whiskey before standing from his desk to leave the office. He walked through the house, suddenly realizing that he was still naked, and wondered why he had forgotten. His muscles felt stiff and tired, but his mind was still on fire to fix the problems that he saw ahead of him. 

Erwin picked up his phone from the counter and turned on the screen. He already had a missed call from Mike. Erwin dialed him back. 

“Erwin?” Mike answered. 

“Yes.” 

“You don't sound like you've been asleep.” 

“I haven't.” The was silence on the other end of the line for a moment, and then Erwin thought he heard frantic whispering. “If you could make this quick, I would appreciate it.” 

“Right,” Mike said. “Hange is going to go stay with Levi tonight. Visiting hours are 24 hours for intensive care. And we're going to send Moblit over with some food and something to help you sleep.” 

“If you're talking about marijuana, then I'm not interested,” Erwin said. 

“If whiskey hasn't put you to sleep yet, then you're going to need something stronger,” Mike said. Erwin smiled. 

“Can you smell through the phone, or do you know me too well?”

“I have some leftover Ambien, but if you've been drinking, you shouldn't take it,” Mike said. “If you can stop drinking right now, you could take it after five this evening.” 

“I'm not going to sleep until I take care of a few things, but then I'll be able to go to bed.” 

“Nana still insists on cooking for you. I'll send Moblit over-” Erwin waited because Mike had obviously been interrupted. And he would could hear someone else speaking softly, but quietly. 

“I would appreciate that,” Erwin said. “I'll leave the door unlocked. He can let himself in. Tell Nanaba that I'm alright. I can hear her whisper-yelling at you.” 

“She telling me to tell you not to pass out with a cigarette in your hand,” Mike said. Erwin furrowed his eyebrows and rubbed his tired eyes. 

“Goodbye, Mike,” Erwin said. He ended the phone call. With a sigh, followed by a dry cough, Erwin walked back through the house and into his bedroom. Moblit would be over soon if he was at Mike and Nanaba's house. Erwin realized that he would have to go into his closet and look at Levi's clothes. Instead, he went to the the laundry hamper and pulled out the cleanest trousers and shirt that he could find. He also found a pair of socks that he slipped onto his feet quickly. All of his clothes were wrinkled, but he didn't care. 

Erwin went back to his office. He sat in his chair, swiveling to the computer again, and pulled up the contact page for the rehabilitation facility. Erwin held up his phone and looked at the phone number as he typed it. Before he could hit the button to dial, he set his phone down on the desk and leaned back in his chair, rubbing his eyes. 

_“He's going to refuse,”_ Erwin thought. He took a deep breath and tried to relax. _“Call. Just call and explain the situation. If you don't do this, he will die.”_ Erwin swallowed heavily before sitting back up in his chair and picking up his phone again. He dialed the number. 

“Wild and Free Recovery Center. My name is Shauna. How may I help you?” 

“Hello,” Erwin said, but he instantly cleared his throat. He closed his eyes and forced himself to say the words. “My name is Ean Scott, and I would like to talk to someone about admissions.” 

“Are you wanting to admit yourself or a loved one, Mr. Scott?” 

“A loved one,” Erwin said. 

“Can you hold for me, Mr. Scott?” 

“Sure.” Erwin leaned back in his chair and tried to relax. He took a deep breath and waited. After a few more moments of unbearable elevator music, someone picked up the line. 

“Hello, Mr. Scott. My name is Annabelle Smathers. Shauna told me that you would like to admit a loved one to our facility?” 

“Yes,” Erwin said. 

“What is this person's name, sir?” 

“His name is Landon Armstrong.” 

“Okay. Has Landon agreed to get treatment?” 

“No, but he will,” Erwin said. Annabelle was quiet on the other end of the line for a moment. 

“You haven't spoken to him about treatment yet?” 

“I can assure you that he will agree,” Erwin said. 

“Coercion normally doesn't work, Mr. Scott.” 

“It won't be necessary to coerce him. He wants to be better,” Erwin explained. 

“Well, we can do our best to help him then. When were you planning on bringing Landon to us?” 

“As soon as he gets out of the hospital,” Erwin said. Annabelle didn't immediately reply. “The day after tomorrow, hopefully. Maybe the day after that.” 

“I'm sorry to hear that he's in the hospital,” Annabelle said softly. 

“Thank you,” Erwin said, at a loss for anything else to say.

“Would you like to come and see the facility today, Mr. Scott?” 

“Yes. I live in Atlanta. It will-” 

“Atlanta?” 

“Yes.” 

“That's not typical, Mr. Scott,” Annabelle said. “You wouldn't rather have him in a facility closer to home?” 

“No,” Erwin said. “I've already searched through the city, and they aren't right for Levi- I'm sorry. I meant Landon. I'm very tired.” 

“That's okay, Mr. Scott,” Annabelle said. “Can you tell me about Landon?” 

“He's been taking at least 140 milligrams of methadone for over two years to assist him with his three year heroin addiction, and he took 8 milligrams of Xanax yesterday,” Erwin said. 

“I'm so sorry, Mr. Scott. He must have been in a lot of emotional pain to take so much,” Annabelle said. Erwin paused. He liked the way that she phrased that. It seemed like she really understood. 

“I believe that he was too upset to really understand what he was doing.” 

“What upset him so much, Ean?” 

“He's a war veteran,” Erwin said. He waited, but Annabelle didn't say anything else. “He has PTSD.” 

“Ah,” Annabelle said. “Well, I think you're right to call us then. Some veterans are drawn to our fitness portion of recovery.” 

“The pictures of your patients hiking on your website are beautiful.” 

“Thank you. We're very proud to have access to that wilderness area,” she said. “So, you'll be coming from Atlanta?” 

“Yes. I'm waiting for a friend to come and pick me up. After staying awake at the hospital, I don't feel up to driving,” Erwin explained. 

“I don't blame you. If you would like to wait until tomorrow, we can.” 

“No, I don't want to wait,” Erwin said. “I want to get this done today. I need to know what types of payment you accept. Then, I'll speak with Landon tomorrow, and he'll be on his way to you the next day hopefully.” 

“I think if I had someone like you at my own intervention, I probably would have responded quickly as well,” Annabelle said with an obvious smile. Erwin didn't respond. “Were you in the military with him?” 

“Yes, I was.” 

“Your relationship is becoming clearer to me as we speak,” Annabelle said. 

_“I highly doubt it,”_ Erwin thought. “Do you accept major credit cards?” Erwin heard the front door close. 

“Yes, we do. We also have installment plants,” Annabelle said. “Don't worry about the payment right this moment, Ean. We can work it out when you get here.” 

“Alright,” Erwin said. “I'll see you later today.” 

“Looking forward to it.” Erwin didn't bother saying goodbye before he hung up. He dropped his phone on his desk and reached up to rub his eyes. Finally, he was feeling tired, but he needed to keep the appointment. There was a knock on his office door. 

Erwin sat up in his chair and looked at Moblit in his doorway. Moblit was holding a large tupperware container in his hand.

“Good morning, Moblit,” Erwin said. 

“Good morning, Commander,” Moblit replied quietly. 

“Are you headed to work after this?” 

“No, sir,” Moblit said. “I took the day off in case anyone needed any help.” Erwin smiled. 

“Has anyone asked you for assistance after this, Moblit?” 

“Not yet, sir.” 

“That's convenient because I need your help.” Moblit stood up a bit straighter, still holding the tupperware in his right hand. “Could you drive me to South Carolina please?” 

“Sir?” Moblit breathed. Erwin stood from his chair and walked around his desk. 

“I need to put my shoes on,” Erwin said. He took the tupperware out of Moblit's hand and walked past him. Erwin heard Moblit following while he opened the tupperware to look at it. He wasn't focused enough to understand what he was seeing. “This looks delicious. Have you eaten, Moblit?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“I don't believe that I have my vehicle back yet,” Erwin said, walking through the kitchen to the silverware drawer to get a fork. He dropped the fork in the tupperware before sealing it again. “Would it be possible for us to use your vehicle?”

“Commander,” Moblit said. Erwin turned and looked at Moblit. “Shouldn't you rest?” 

“That's why you're driving,” Erwin said. Erwin waited because Moblit looked like he wanted to protest again. “I'll eat and then nap during the drive.” 

“Wouldn't-” Moblit paused and swallowed. 

“I would not rest better in bed,” Erwin insisted. “I've already tried. The whiskey has helped though. I do feel tired now.” 

“What's in South Carolina?” 

“A rehab facility that's appropriate for Levi. It's customary to visit the facility and discuss payment arrangements. I'll, of course, pay for all of the gasoline, and I'll pay for anything that you want to eat, Moblit. We'll get your oil changed and tires rotated while we're out. You won't have to worry about anything at all,” Erwin said. Moblit opened his mouth and closed it again. Erwin turned and went into the mudroom. He sat down on the bench in the little room, setting the tupperware down beside him, and looked at his shoes under the bench. He pulled out his most comfortable shoes that he wore for work and put them on his feet. 

“Commander,” Moblit said again. Erwin lifted his head and looked at Moblit, slightly annoyed that the man hadn't finally said what was on his mind. 

“Moblit, please say whatever it is that you're trying to say.” 

“I don't want to do this,” Moblit said. “I want you to stay at home and take care of yourself.” Erwin swallowed. That had been a bit more blunt that he expected, even if it was still kind. 

“If I stay here, I won't rest, Moblit,” Erwin said. “I'll lay in bed all day and think about my Captain stoned out of his mind in a hospital.” Moblit immediately began to nod nervously. Obviously, he didn't want to think about that anymore than Erwin actually wanted to do it.

“Yes, sir,” Moblit said. 

“You'll drive?” 

“Yes, sir,” Moblit said. “Anything you need, Commander.” Erwin stood from the bench and stepped towards Moblit. He offered his right hand. 

“Thank you, Moblit,” Erwin said. “I would not be able to do this without you.” Moblit looked down at the hand, and he almost reached out of it. Instead, he lifted his right hand, formed a fist, and rested it over his heart. The gesture caught Erwin off guard, but he felt a sincere smile on his own face. Erwin balled his hand into a fist and raised it, resting it over his heart. “I am so grateful for you, Moblit. You saved my successor, and now you will assist in saving my Captain.” Moblit gasped twice in succession before he dropped his fist. Then, he reached up to the hook were Erwin's keys hung and grabbed them. Erwin smiled, dropped his salute, and turned before he went to unlock mudroom door, Moblit following closely behind him. Erwin opened the mudroom door to an empty and dark garage. 

“I forgot my vehicle isn't here,” Erwin said. He stood dumbly in the doorway. 

“Let's go out the front door, Commander,” Moblit suggested. Erwin nodded, stepping back and closing the door. He locked it. 

Erwin turned, walked past Moblit and back through the house to the front door. He could hear Moblit right behind him. When Erwin was out the front door, he saw Moblit's sedan street-parked in front of his house. It was a nice sized car. He wondered if he would be able to sleep as well as he would in his own car. Erwin realized that he was still standing in front of his door, and when he turned around, he saw the Moblit was already locking the front door for him. Moblit also had the tupperware that Erwin had forgotten in his hand. 

With the front door locked, Erwin turned away from the house, but stopped when he thought of something. 

“You have my keys, Moblit?” Erwin asked, holding out his hand. Moblit put his keys in his hand, and Erwin walked over to the open garage. He went into the garage and put his keys on one of the high shelves in a cardboard box for Mike to find later. 

Once the keys were hidden, Erwin walked out of the garage and down to Moblit's car. He walked around to the passenger side and waited for Moblit to unlock the vehicle. Moblit used his remote to unlock the doors, and Erwin quickly opened the door and slid into the passenger seat. Moblit was taking his time to get into the vehicle. He gave Erwin the tupperware, and Erwin opened it to look inside. Nanaba had given him a huge portion of breakfast casserole and some grits. He didn't like grits, but she knew that he would eat them if they had bacon crumbled on top. She had piled the grits with fresh bacon bits. Erwin looked up at Moblit, and Moblit started the car. He began adjusting his mirrors and his seat as if it wasn't his own vehicle. Erwin didn't mention it, and he looked back down into the tupperware. 

_“If he's a slow driver, this will take all day,”_ Erwin thought. 

When Moblit was satisfied, he put the vehicle in gear and slowly began moving the car forward while he checked the street for any other cars. There weren't any. Erwin began eating with the fork that he had dropped into the container. Moblit was a very slow driver. Erwin took a bite of the breakfast casserole and savored it. Food always tasted better after a long night. 

_“Supplement calories for sleep,”_ Erwin reminded himself. He didn't feel very hungry, but if he wanted to be alert, he needed to eat as much as possible. It would also help him process the poorly planned alcohol. 

Moblit drove so slow that Erwin had eaten everything in the tupperware by the time they were getting closer to the Interstate, which was ridiculous. But Erwin reminded himself that Moblit was doing him a great favor and shouldn't feel rushed. 

Moblit suddenly jumped in his seat and reached his hand into his pocket. He pulled out his phone, which was vibrating, and Erwin smiled. Moblit glanced at the phone briefly before answering the call.

“Yes, sir,” Moblit answered. 

_“Mike,”_ Erwin thought. 

“I know,” Moblit said. “But it didn't go exactly like-” Moblit was cut off by one of Mike's questions. “He decided that he wanted to go ahead and visit a rehab facility today,” Moblit said. There was a pause. “Well, we're currently driving to South Carolina.” Moblit was quiet for an unnatural amount of time. Mike wasn't the type of person to yell, but Erwin could imagine the look on Mike's face. The stunned silence and frustrated inhale. “Yes, sir.” Moblit offered the phone to the Commander. Erwin took the phone, put a smile on his face and held the phone up to his ear. 

“Hello, Mike.” 

“Tell Moblit to turn around,” Mike said. 

“No,” Erwin said. The only sound on the other end of the line was an aggressive sniff. 

“It could wait. You could rest today, and you could go tomorrow. Why South Carolina? Why not local?” Mike asked. 

“It can't wait until tomorrow,” Erwin said. “Is anyone with Levi right now?” 

“Erwin, could you focus on yourself for a single fucking minute?” Mike snapped. Erwin swallowed, leaning his head back on the headrest of the car seat. “You've been awake all night, and now you expect that you're going to be able to go to South Carolina, see this facility, and what?” 

“Pay them-” 

“Erwin,” Mike said. “You know the statistics for opium addicts.” 

“I know,” Erwin replied. Mike was quiet, and Erwin waited patiently for him to formulate his words. 

“Why are you like this?” Mike accused. 

“Like what?” 

“Why are you always willing to go out of your way for someone?” 

“Not just anyone. I'm willing to do this for my soldiers,” Erwin corrected. “Helping Levi isn't driven only by a romantic interest. I'm his Commander, Mike. I have to help him. As long as he's willing to continue to recover, I have to try and assist him.” 

“You aren't thinking straight.” 

“I know,” Erwin said. “That's why Moblit's driving. But Levi needs rehab if he's going to make any more progress.” 

“He's in the ICU, Erwin. That's not progress. Why can't you see that?” Erwin was quiet, considering what he wanted to say next. His mind was struggling to come up with the right thing to say to explain everything to Mike. But he could only think of the most honest response possible. 

“I couldn't give up on you either, Mike,” Erwin said, more calm this time. “The day that I died, I was thinking of you. I was thinking of Nanaba and Petra. I thought of every single soldier that died due to my orders. All of you were surrounding me, asking me what purpose your deaths served-”

“Erwin-”

“Levi pulled me back to the surface. He helped me gain my perspective back, and he helped me make the right decision. If you need more information than that, go ask Hange. Ask her to explain every detail of what I've told her and what she saw.” Mike was quiet, probably trying to decide what he wanted to say. 

“I will,” Mike said. Erwin was surprised that his response was so short, and he took the opportunity to end the conversation.

“Good. I have to go,” Erwin said. “My car keys are in the garage, in a cardboard box.” Erwin took the phone away from his ear and hung up before Mike could irritate him anymore. He handed the phone back to Moblit, and Moblit simply put it in the cup holder of the car. Erwin leaned his seat back and closed his eyes. He wouldn't be able to sleep, but he could pretend. Moblit was a bundle of nerves. It made him drive faster.

******

By the time that Moblit and Erwin returned to Erwin's home, it was past eight. Moblit was tired, and Erwin could barely keep his eyes open. 

Getting to the rehab facility didn't take very long, but they had spent several hours walking around the campus, and Erwin asked the director every single question that popped into his mind. He met almost all of the doctors. And he even specifically asked if he could meet the man with the facial scars, who was called Zim. He met with Zim, had a short conversation, and could _feel_ that he had been right. Zim would be good for Levi. In the director's office later, Erwin asked if Zim could have as much involvement with Levi's recovery as possible. The director found that odd, but after Erwin explained his reasoning, she seemed to understand. 

Erwin also asked the director to detox Levi from his methadone while he was in the facility, and she seemed to think that was a good idea considering how many times Levi had abused it. Moblit was a captive audience for the entire day, and Erwin felt guilty for that. But he was glad Moblit had been there. Knowing that Moblit was around kept him from getting emotional. He was able to maintain a Commander's facade for the entire day. Erwin and the director agreed that Levi would stay in rehab for 120 days, instead of the usual 90. He needed more time. Detoxing from methadone correctly would take more time. 

After the discussion with the director, they were led to the office of the person who discussed finances and billing options with them, and that took a while. There were so many payment options, and truthfully, Erwin wanted to pay for the entire thing up front. But he understood the advantage of paying in installments once the clerk told him how much 120 days of treatment would cost. Moblit fidgeted when he heard the number. Erwin decided that it would make it easier on his finances to pay for the treatment over a period of a year. If he decided to pay it all off at once, his entire savings account would be drained. Instead, he decided to pay for the full balance over a period of a year. He could afford $1,500.00 a month. He would just have to be frugal. Then, he remembered that he would have to maintain Levi's debts during treatment, and he began to feel a little more concerned. But he decided that he could take out a loan to help if necessary.

It was dinner time when they left the facility. When Erwin asked Moblit what he wanted to eat, Moblit said they should go through a drive-thru, and Erwin had no problem with that. They stopped for gasoline after they ate. He offered again to get Moblit's tires rotated and do the oil change, but Moblit said they could do it another day.

On the drive home, there had been times that Erwin felt like he could sleep, but then the image of Levi passed out on the carpeted floor of that apartment had returned to him. And the image of Levi kneeling in front of him, telling him to die for humanity, telling him to let go of his dream, haunted for him the entire day. It felt good to rest his eyes though. He hovered between consciousness and sleep for the majority of the ride. 

“Commander,” Moblit muttered. Erwin opened his eyes and lifted his head. His vision was blurry. “You're home.” Erwin raised a hand and rubbed his fingers over his eyelids. Then, he blinked rapidly trying to see clearer. His eyebrows furrowed when looked at Moblit. “May I walk you inside?” 

Erwin opened the car door and stepped out into the dark. His muscles felt tired and weak. He supported himself with the car door until he felt like he could move. Then, Erwin closed the door and walked around to the front of the vehicle. Moblit stepped out of the vehicle, eyes glued to the Commander. Erwin cleared his throat. 

“I'm fine, Moblit,” Erwin said. “Thank you for your help today.” He gave Moblit a smile, but he knew it was weak. Moblit didn't respond with an expression. 

“I'll wait until you're inside,” Moblit said. Erwin frowned, remembering that he didn't have his keys. Where were Levi's house keys? Still at the apartment, he guessed. 

Erwin walked up to the house and tested the front door. It was locked. Erwin pulled his phone out of his pocket, and he had texts from Mike waiting for him.

_Mike: I need to talk to you tomorrow._  
_Mike: Keys are in the new flower pot on your front step. Lift the flower._

Erwin leaned down slowly to the new flower pot and grabbed the flower, pulling on it. The flower was fake, and it popped out of the pot, revealing his keys under the floral foam. He reached into it, grabbing his keys and dropped the flower next to the pot instead of taking the time to put it back into the pot properly. 

When the front door was unlocked, he opened it, stepped inside, and waved to Moblit before he closed the door and locked it again. Erwin stared at the hall tree, where some of Levi's things remained. He hung his keys up on the hook that Levi typically used and kicked his shoes off. Erwin leaned against the front door and closed his eyes. He felt like he could lay down in the foyer and sleep. In fact, he had left all of the rehab paperwork in Moblit's car. But he could get it the next day. That's when he remembered the mess he made in the bedroom earlier. That couldn't wait. 

Erwin went to the mudroom and grabbed his broom and dustpan. He carried them to his bedroom and turned on the overhead light. His eyes weakly scanned the floor for any tiny pieces of glass, but he knew that he wouldn't be able to see them. So, he began sweeping at the bedroom door and over to Levi's side of the bed. He even swiped the broom under the bed a few times, making a neat little pile of glass among the medicine bottles. When he thought he had swept the floor well enough, Erwin leaned down and swept the glass into the dustpan. 

With all of the glass contained, Erwin picked Levi's pillow up off the floor and tossed it into the armchair. Seeing that chair made his chest ache. It reminded him of Levi. Everything reminded him of Levi. He put Levi's medicine bottles back on the nightstand before he took the dustpan full of glass to the bathroom to throw away. 

Leaving the broom and dustpan in the bathroom, Erwin walked out to his bedroom and stared at the bed. He still resisted getting into the bed alone. And he hadn't showered. He still needed to pack Levi's things. There were so many things to do, and sleep would have to wait. 

Erwin walked over to his closet, opened the door and turned on the light. He walked into the little room and pulled Levi's duffle bag away from the wall, opening it. Quickly, he grabbed eight pairs of underwear and eight pairs of socks, dropping them haphazardly into the bag. But once that was done, Erwin leaned back and looked at Levi's clothes. What would he want to wear while he was away? Levi didn't have half of the clothes that Erwin owned, but it still seemed like so many decisions. And he had already made so many decisions for Levi earlier when he spoke with Annabelle at the rehabilitation facility. 

_“Start with sleeping,”_ Erwin thought. _“He'll want his own sheets. He won't want their sheets. He won't sleep.”_ Erwin turned to his side of the closet and looked at the top wire shelf, where Levi folded and stored their sheets. He reached up, grabbing a pair of gray sheets from the shelf. They felt so soft, and Erwin's eyebrows furrowed. _“I've seen him on these sheets before,”_ Erwin thought. The ache in his chest spread, and he stared at the sheets until his vision began to blur. Involuntarily, Erwin lifted the sheets to his face, and he inhaled deeply, thinking of Levi. The smell hit him hard, and memories flooded in with it. He leaned back until his back hit the door frame of the closet, and he slid down to the floor, pulling his knees up. 

Erwin's mind brought images of Levi resting peacefully, Levi in the morning, Levi in the evening, Levi spread out before him, pupils blown, face flushed. Erwin inhaled, and it hurt. Fire spread through his chest until he felt hot tears flood the back of his eyelids. The sob started forming in his throat. And the overwhelming exhaustion finally hit him. And the knowledge that he would be without Levi for 120 days smothered him. Erwin finally lost all resolve. All of his guilt surged forward, and the sob came with it.

“I'm sorry, Levi,” he choked on the words, feeling the hot tears instantly soak into the gray cotton. Erwin curled up tighter on himself and gasped for air through the sheets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During past chapters, I've asked people to beta for me, but they are also following the story, and I want the chapters to be a surprise for them towards the end like the rest of my readers. If you notice any mistakes or typos that break your reading concentration, please kindly bring them to my attention in the comments. Thank you!
> 
> [ Gouguruheddo created fanart! ](http://gouguruheddo.tumblr.com/post/157467211512/levi-is-the-only-one-i-can-draw-semi-consistent) Thank you!
> 
> [ Tiny Couch created fanart! ](http://valisi-clark.tumblr.com/post/157500691299/tinycouch-quick-thing-levi-in-smack-by) Thank you!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has supported this series, commented, bookmarked, reblogged, and created fanart. I appreciate you all so much.


	28. January 9, 2015

The doorbell rang. Erwin squeezed his eyes shut tighter. But his brain was awake enough to realize that the room was much too bright. He pulled the covers up over his head, but there was still too much light filtering through his eyelids. Erwin took a deep breath and exhaled.

The doorbell rang again. Erwin opened his eyes and looked at the sheets around his head. He blinked slowly a few times. His body was still exhausted, mind still begging for more sleep. But whoever was at the door wasn't planning on letting him sleep any longer. He closed his eyes again because they were stinging. But he sat up in bed anyway, pushing the blankets off of him. 

The yellow guest room was much too bright in comparison to his own bedroom. The curtains weren't as thick, and the sun rose on that side of the house. Erwin sluggishly put his feet on the hardwood floor, and he stood. He wavered a moment before he started walking to the door of the bedroom. 

While Erwin was walking down the hall, the doorbell rang again, and it caught him off guard so much that he took a misstep and lost his balance, leaning over to far to the right and hitting the wall of the hall with his right shoulder. He took a moment to stand there and gain his balance again before he walked the rest of the hallway. 

At the front door, Erwin reached for the deadbolt, and then paused. 

“Who is it?” he asked, voice still rough from sleep. 

“It's me,” Mike said. Erwin unlocked the deadbolt and opened the door for Mike. He took a few steps backwards before he turned and started walking towards the kitchen to make coffee. Mike closed the door and followed him. 

Erwin went to the coffee maker and rubbed his eyes a few times with the heels of his hands. Mike leaned against the kitchen island and crossed his arms. 

“You should've made a copy of my house key while you had it yesterday,” Erwin mumbled. He filled the coffee pot full of water before pouring the water into the maker, adding a filter and enough coffee to make a strong pot, and turning on the machine. Rather than turning around, Erwin watched the coffee maker. 

“I forgot how weird you were first thing in the morning,” Mike said. Erwin didn't respond. They stood in silence while they watched and listened to the coffee maker. 

When the coffee pot was almost full, Erwin stood up straight and opened a cabinet, pulling down two coffee mugs. 

“Did you sleep in those clothes?” Mike asked. Erwin frowned and looked down at himself. He hadn't paid any attention to how he looked. But he had indeed slept in the dirty clothes that he had worn the day before. 

“I guess so,” Erwin said. He put both mugs on the counter and poured Mike a cup first. When the mug was almost full, Erwin lifted it and set it a few inches away from himself so that Mike could add sugar or creamer. 

Erwin filled up his own mug and turned, leaning against the counter, and he watched while Mike added sugar to his coffee. Erwin took a sip and grimaced. It was strong and too hot, and that's exactly what he needed. Mike tested his cup after he added a spoonful of sugar, and he cringed. Erwin watched while Mike added five more spoons of sugar to the cup before he gave it a good stir. Then, Mike added some milk to it from the refrigerator, instead of powdered creamer, to cool his coffee down. Erwin forced himself to drink some more of his coffee. The bitter burn was definitely waking him up.

With his cup of coffee properly sweetened and cooled off, Mike went back over to the island and leaned against it. Both of them sipped their coffee quietly, and Erwin watched Mike's face. His mind wasn't running at full capacity, but he could still see that Mike was waiting for the right time to talk about whatever it was that he wanted to talk about. Then, Erwin began to wonder about Levi, and he stared at the floor in thought.

_”I wonder if he's awake yet,”_ Erwin thought. His eyebrows furrowed while he thought about it. _“I wonder if they'll give him any methadone today. If he's conscious already, he may panic if they deny him his methadone. Hopefully, they'll move him out of the ICU today. Then, they'll release him tomorrow, and he'll be on his way to rehab. I don't remember if I packed all of his things last night. I didn't shower. I'm surprised Mike can stand to be in the same room with me.”_ Mike cleared his throat. Erwin's eyes focused and lifted to Mike's face again. Erwin took another sip of his coffee. 

“Nanaba went to relieve Hange this morning,” Mike said. 

“Hange stayed all night?” Erwin asked quietly. Mike nodded without looking at Erwin. 

“I told her that she didn't have to.” 

“That was kind of her,” Erwin muttered. When silence passed between them again, Erwin knew that Mike was struggling with something. He watched Mike's face, but he didn't recognize what he saw. It didn't seem like Mike was thinking very hard about anything, like he was trying to approach a subject. Instead, Mike seemed disappointed or uncomfortable. “The rehab is really nice,” Erwin said before taking another sip of his coffee. 

“Good,” Mike said. He set his coffee mug down, and the look on his face deepened. Erwin knew that he wouldn't be able to wait much longer for Mike to finally get to the point.

“You said that you wanted to talk to me about something,” Erwin prodded. He took another sip of his coffee before his burned taste buds began to fully protest. He set his own coffee cup down on the counter behind him. 

“I talked to Hange yesterday about what happened when you died.” Erwin nodded and began to understand. But he expected Mike to be much more upset. Especially angry. That would have been predictable. The awkward silence wasn't.

“Are you satisfied with what you heard?” Erwin asked. Mike lifted his eyes and glared at Erwin. Erwin didn't physically respond, but he was surprised. It was rare for Mike to show such a defiant look rather than shrugging it off. Mike broke eye contact and stared at the refrigerator instead. 

“After I talked to Hange, I decided that I would relieve her this morning and then kill Levi in his sleep,” Mike said. “But I wanted to tell Nanaba what happened because I knew I would get caught, and I didn't want her to be in the dark. So I went home and told her what I planned to do. She asked why. I told her what happened.” Mike licked his lips, and sniffed hard. The anger was still building even though it sounded like there had been a peak to it the night before. There was still too much frustration. “I told her what happened, and she started crying. And I lost it. He killed my best friend and made my wife cry.” Mike lifted his hand and rubbed his over his face. “Nanaba stood in my way. I picked her up to move her, and she was screaming what if it had been us? What if she had to chose between me and another soldier? And that confused me even more, but I guess I was putting the pieces together faster than I realized. What if I gained the Commander title strictly by seniority and it had been me? Did I want to die on my own terms? What if it was kinder to let someone I loved die rather than bringing them back?” Mike slumped against the kitchen island farther. 

Erwin raised his eyebrows. Mike didn't question a lot of things. He typically made quick judgments, took a direction, and forced his way through situations. He was intelligent, but he utilized fast intuition and judgment. He asked for forgiveness rather than permission. 

“I was so pissed when Hange told me what happened that I had ignored most of what she said after she told me about the serum. It was a lot of information,” Mike said. “I called her. Told her to say the same thing. Kept the phone on speakerphone so Nanaba could hear it too.” Mike shook his head and looked up at Erwin. “I had to hear it twice to get it. You lost your arm. Captured, tortured by the MPs. Took the king off of his throne and put one of our girls on it. I can't-” Mike stopped and shook his head. He closed his eyes. Erwin squirmed while Mike wasn't looking. He had never seen Mike respond that way to anything. 

“I understand what you're trying to say,” Erwin said, in case Mike wanted to stop. Mike kept going.

“I couldn't sleep because I knew that Hange couldn't tell me the whole story,” Mike said. “She said that when she left Levi on the roof, he was definitely going to give you the serum. But then he gave it to Armin instead.” Erwin nodded. “What happened?” 

“I don't know,” Erwin said. “Before I led the final charge, I was ready to give up. Do you remember my father's theories, Mike?” 

“Some of them.” 

“The proof of those theories was in the basement, and I knew it,” Erwin said. “I wanted to get to that basement more than anything. I was willing to sacrifice every life in the Survey Corps to do it. To save humanity yes, but also to prove that my faith in my father had been right. To prove that the war wasn't worthless. And I saw you standing next to me. I saw you, and Nanaba, and Petra, and every other soldier that I ordered to die for a cause. I wasn't the same man anymore, Mike. You wouldn't have recognized me. Levi brought me back to reality. He helped me make the best decision for humanity.” 

Erwin paused and watched Mike's body respond to the new information. Mike gripped his coffee mug harder, but he didn't seem to be any more distressed than earlier. 

“He let me die on my feet with my soldiers, Mike. I died as a Commander. If he brought me back, then I would have died over a period of time, fighting a war that we weren't prepared to fight.” Erwin smiled. “I died on the field as far as I'm concerned. I never even knew that I had the option to come back until Hange told me.” 

“That's why you're doing all of this?” 

“Yes. We're going to exhaust every avenue to save his life,” Erwin said. “If he dies after all of this, then he's dying on his feet as far as I'm concerned. He won't die on his back without a chance.” 

Erwin noticed a definite shift in Mike's facial expression. At first, Mike's face simply flushed. Erwin expected Mike to scream, and he picked up his coffee mug to take another sip. 

Then, all of the tension in the room shifted. Mike threw the coffee mug across the room, and it smashed against the back-splash of the counter. Mike gasped for air and turned to walk out of the kitchen. He walked through the living room and out the back door to the porch. 

While taking a sip of his own coffee, Erwin turned and looked at the damage to his kitchen. The shards of the coffee mug were scattered across the counter. Some of them had bounced off the wall and landed on the floor. He thought that he felt some coffee on the back of his shirt. Erwin blew on the hot coffee in his mug and took a few more swallows before he set the mug down and left the kitchen. 

Erwin walked through the hallway down to his bedroom and went to the bathroom for a shower. He tossed the filthy, slept-in clothes, into the laundry hamper. When he looked at the closet, he saw that the light was still on even though he had thought to close the door. Erwin went to the closet and opened it. Levi's bag was barely packed. He needed to work on that. But Erwin closed the door instead and turned off the light. 

In the bathroom, Erwin took a minute to look at his reflection in mirror. His skin was pallid, but he didn't understand why. A few nights of lost sleep shouldn't have affected him that quickly. Rather than trying to inspect himself anymore, Erwin went to the shower. He briefly glanced at Levi's towel on the rack before he stepped into the shower and closed the door. 

_“I guess that will happen for a while,”_ Erwin thought. He turned on the water and stood out of the stream while he waited for it to warm up. When the water was warm enough, Erwin turned the shower head until the stream hit him directly in the face. He smiled and laughed for a moment. The water felt better than he expected. He ran his fingertips and nails against his scalp and realized that he felt much filthier than he realized. No wonder he looked so terrible. 

Erwin started with a rough shampooing of his hair, added conditioner and scrubbed his body roughly with some soap, until he was warm and pink skinned. He could feel some of the color coming back to his face. When he washed out the conditioner and rinsed the soap from his skin, Erwin felt of his face. He had some serious stubble that was starting to grow, and that would have to go. Levi couldn't see him like that. It was important that Erwin looked as put together as much as possible. 

He lathered his face with some shaving cream and started with his cheeks, working his way down. In the middle of a stroke, Erwin heard the door open. 

“Erwin,” Mike said. Erwin frowned, finished the stroke of his razor and shook the cream out of it. He opened the shower door and leaned out of it, looking at Mike, who was standing in the middle of the bathroom. “Nanaba just called me. Levi's awake.” Mike wasn't even directly looking at Erwin. His arms were crossed over his chest. 

“She can tell him that I'm on my way, or she can leave if he's being unpleasant. She doesn't have to put up with that.” Erwin leaned back into the shower to close the door. 

“Erwin,” Mike said. Erwin leaned out of the door again, and Mike was standing closer. “I'm with you.”   
Mike made eye contact with him, and Erwin saw that Mike's eyes were red, even glassy. Like he had rubbed tears out of his eyes. A lump formed in Erwin's throat. He had only seen the big man cry once in both of their lives. But calling attention to it would only cause more friction. They had enough friction between them. 

“Don't think of it as being against me or with me,” Erwin said. “You don't owe Levi anything, and you have a family to take care of-”

“You're part of that,” Mike said, sniffing. Erwin furrowed his eyebrows first, but then he smiled. Long conversation wasn't necessary anymore. Even if Mike had not made peace with what was happening, he wasn't actively opposing it anymore. 

“Thank you,” Erwin said. 

“I'm leaving after I clean up,” Mike said, turning to leave. 

“Are you going to the hospital?” 

“Yes,” Mike said loudly, closing the door to the bathroom. Erwin leaned back into the shower, closed the door and ran the razor along his face again. He made a quick and sloppy job of shaving, and he didn't care. 

When he leaned into the stream of water again, he felt a burn on his skin in two places, little nicks in his skin that he had made from shaving too carelessly. Rather than rushing away from the shower, Erwin closed his eyes and stood in the stream of water, thinking about what would have to happen next. He needed to create the strategy for the entire day if he was going to be successful. Levi was awake. That meant several things needed to happen. 

In order for Levi to understand the gravity of his situation, Erwin knew that he needed to perfectly balance concern with firm direction. If it seemed like he didn't care at all, Levi would either see through the illusion and consider to it be a further deception, or he would consider Erwin an adversary again, forcing him to do something that he didn't want to do. They had gone through so many phases in their relationships. From blackmail, to legitimate enemies, then to acquaintances, work associates, eventually comrades, and finally lovers. But after Erwin lost his arm, their dynamic changed again, and he hated that it happened. This time, he had to be more careful. 

He had to make sure that Levi knew that he cared without bending to what Levi wanted. No one ever wanted to go to rehab. Addicts never believed that they needed rehab. Levi would convince himself that he was doing alright. He would probably even argue that one relapse was reasonable. Erwin knew that he would. 

When the water felt cold, Erwin squinted against the icy liquid pelting against him. The shock had worn off, and he needed to remember what it was like to feel cold. If he could imagine the cold, he could use it. He could think of cold rain, and stinking air, Titan bodies and human remains scattered in the battlefield. He could remember the one time that a Titan knocked him into a tree so hard that his boots fell off and he fought with his socks soaking up frigid mud. The cold, filthy feeling would keep his feet on the ground. If he could stay in the physical realm, then he wouldn't have to think of Levi saying no to treatment. Or running away again. Or dying with vomit pressing hard against his trachea and seeping into his lungs. 

Erwin gasped and stepped out of the stream of water. He rubbed the water from his face. He turned the shower off and stepped out onto the rug. Snatching his towel from the wall, Erwin dried off, patting his skin, wrecking his hair, and he planned his outfit. Clothes were an important, non-verbal tool. Dark colors, clean lines. His hair needed to be in place. 

After dressing and shaping his hair, Erwin brushed his teeth to get rid of his coffee breath and rushed through the house. He found his phone. The battery was low. He hoped that the substitute teacher was doing alright with his classes. Most of his classes were supposed to have tests that day, and he hoped that the students had been prepared. Slipping on his shoes, Erwin walked out of the door to the mudroom and sighed when he saw his vehicle was back in its place. He really needed to do something to thank everyone for their help.

******

Erwin walked through two automatic doors at the front of the hospital, and he dialed Mike's number. It rang a few times before Mike answered.

“Yeah.” 

“Is Levi still in the ICU or did they move him already?” Erwin asked. 

“He's still here.” 

“I'll be up there in a moment,” Erwin said. 

“Good.” Mike ended the call. 

Erwin quickly made his way to the elevator and tapped the button to the floor where ICU was located. When the elevator reached the floor, the doors opened, and he was in a completely different place in the hospital than when Petra showed him the way. He had to ask for directions twice before he was finally able to find the right hall. 

Mike and Nanaba were standing at the end of the hallway where he knew the doors to the ICU were. They were standing close together, and Erwin saw Nanaba's mouth moving. He couldn't hear her words. Her eyes darted to him, and she smiled. Erwin smiled back at her as much as he could. Walking faster, Erwin closed the distance between himself and the two of them.

“Good morning, Commander,” Nanaba said. Erwin looked between the two of them. Mike had his eyes on Nanaba, but not on her face. He was simply staring in any direction that wasn't Erwin, and he wanted to look at his wife. 

“Good morning,” Erwin said. “Thank you for staying with Levi.” 

“It's not a problem,” Nanaba said. “He's really irritable, but I would be too if I woke up in the hospital.” 

“I imagine that anyone would be,” Erwin said. “Are you two going home?” 

“We can wait if you want,” Nanaba said. 

“No, I have the entire day cleared,” Erwin said. “How did Petra do yesterday?”

“She did really well,” Nanaba said with a wide smile. “Much better than I did when I remembered, actually.” 

“Would you please tell her not to visit the Captain today, and that I'll talk to her tomorrow?”

“Of course,” Nanaba said. “She doesn't seem to be in a hurry to see him in the ICU anyway. I think she's wants to wait until he's in a private room.” 

“That will probably be tomorrow then,” Erwin said. Mike turned away and began walking down the hallway. Nanaba glanced at him before she turned her attention back to Erwin.

“Come by for some lunch if you want,” Nanaba said. She started following Mike. “We'll have whatever you like!” She said before she took a few quick steps to catch up Mike. 

“Thank you,” Erwin said. “I'll send you a text if I plan on it.” He didn't plan to go. They needed their time alone. Petra had been with them the entire day before, and he imagined that they would invite Petra over again. 

Erwin turned and went to the ICU doors. A nurse let him in, and she directed him to Levi's small room. He paused at the curtain covering the door and thought of the cold shower. 

When Erwin pulled the curtain back, he had to hold tightly to the sensation of cold water when Levi turned to look at him. He hadn't seen Levi move on his own in over 24 hours, and it was flooring. Levi's color was back, and the dark circles under his eyes were almost purple. He looked tired. But he was moving. He was breathing on his own. 

“Hey,” Levi said. Erwin clenched his jaw. And he saw Levi physically respond to that by looking away. It hurt. He wanted to run to him, but he had to walk slowly. Too much concern would tip the scale. Not enough would break the illusion.

Erwin walked across the room, without a word, and leaned down wrapping his arms around Levi as much as he could. Levi reached up, threw his arms around Erwin's shoulders and held onto him tightly, pulling up until he hovered over the mattress, holding on. Erwin gauged how tightly Levi was holding and wouldn't match it. He gave some, but not enough. He turned his face towards Levi's neck and pressed his forehead against Levi's skin. 

“I stink,” Levi said. Erwin wanted to roll his eyes. He pulled away, even though Levi was trying to hold onto him slightly, and he stood upright again. Levi settled back into the bed and let his eyes drop to his hands. The top of his left hand was bruised around the tape of his IV. Erwin wondered if Levi had tried to pull it out. 

“I'm sure they would let you shower if you asked,” Erwin said. He didn't know what to do with his hands, and he considered crossing his arms. That would make him look closed off. Putting his hands behind his back was too authoritative. He reached out and took one of Levi's hands in his own. Maintained the balance.

“They threw a shit fit when I pulled this thing off,” Levi said. He held up the pulse monitor attached to his index finger. Erwin nodded. 

“You stopped breathing a few times,” Erwin said. “Normally, a flat-line in the ICU causes a scurry.” Levi looked up him, with eyes much darker than Erwin expected. But Levi didn't hold eye contact for long. 

“Hopefully, I can get out of here today,” Levi said quietly. Erwin took his hand from Levi's and walked around to the chair on the other side of the bed. He sat down and crossed one leg over the other. “Did you get any sleep?” 

“Yes,” Erwin said. “Thank you.” He put his hands in his lap and relaxed a bit more. Sitting down was much more comfortable. His eye line was more equal with Levi's. The bed was taller than the chair, but their height difference made it more even. 

“How long do you think they'll keep me now that I'm awake?” Levi asked. 

“I'm not sure.” 

“Are they going to give me some meth? Did they give me any yesterday?” 

“They didn't give you any yesterday,” Erwin said, pausing to let Levi think about it. “I'm not sure about today. Has your doctor come to talk to you yet?” 

“Not yet,” Levi said. 

“I'll be staying with you today if that's alright.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Hange stayed with you all day yesterday while you slept,” Erwin said. “I'll be staying with you today.” 

“What about work?” Levi asked, and his eyes spread wide. “Oh, shit. Erwin, where's my phone?” 

“Back at your apartment, I think,” Erwin said. “I didn't have time to grab it-” 

“Fuck,” Levi cursed loudly. “I fucking missed work. Did you call into work for me?” 

“I'm sorry,” Erwin said. “I don't know the name of the office where you work.” 

“Give me your phone,” Levi said, holding out his hand. Erwin reached into his pocket, pulled out his phone and handed it to Levi. Levi took it from him and turned on the screen. “What's your password?” 

“2514,” Erwin said. Levi tapped in the numbers, and Erwin watched his thumb move over the screen. After only a few moments, Levi held the phone up to his ear, and he started bouncing one foot in the bed, even chewing on his thumbnail. 

“I need a fucking cigarette,” Levi muttered. “Hey! Mary? It's Landon.” Erwin watched Levi's face brighten up, and all of the fidgeting stopped. It was an obvious fake when he saw it, but he imagined that it sounded good on the other end of the phone. “I know. I got into a car wreck yesterday. I'm in the hospital.” Levi raised his eyebrows, and Erwin heard the voice on the other side of the phone even though it was faint. “No, I'm fine. I broke a couple of ribs, had some trouble breathing, but there's no punctures. It was an anxiety attack along with broken ribs. They sedated me. I slept all day yesterday. I lost my phone in the car, and my boyfriend didn't think to call. All of that shit. You know how it rains.” 

_“Broke your ribs and an anxiety attack to work in the respiratory angle,”_ Erwin thought. _“Good lie. So close and too far away from the truth.”_

“No, I'm coming back to work on Monday,” Levi said. “I'm sure. What's it been like? Busy?” Levi chewed on his thumbnail while he listened. Then, he reached over and pressed the nurse button. “Oh, Mary, I have to go. The doctor needs to talk to me so I can get out of here. Yeah. Talk to you soon.” The nurse walked in just as Levi was taking the phone away from his ear. 

“Landon would like to talk to the doctor please,” Erwin said to the nurse. He didn't want Levi to have the opportunity to snap at someone else. Levi tossed Erwin's phone, and Erwin caught it, slipping it back into his pocket while the nurse left. 

“You don't have to talk for me,” Levi said. 

“I probably will until you can have a cigarette,” Erwin said with a smile. Reminded of his missing nicotine, Levi put his thumbnail back in his mouth and chewed, took it out making a face of disgust, and released an irritated sigh. 

“I want to go home,” Levi said, rubbing his face with his hands.

“I know.” 

“So you called out of work?” 

“Yes. I was able to get a substitute for yesterday and today,” Erwin said. “I'll be going back to work on Monday though.” Levi nodded. 

“Are you missing anything important?” 

“Not at all,” Erwin said calmly. Levi didn't say anything before he looked back over at the curtain over the door. “After the doctor talks to us, I should probably give you some privacy so you can get cleaned up.” Levi only nodded, not willing to look at Erwin. “Are you alright?” 

“Nanaba kept fucking asking me that before she left,” Levi said. “And I'll tell you what I told her: I'm fine. I want to go home.” 

“I suppose you are fine,” Erwin said. Levi looked at him then, the irritation becoming more and more obvious, even though Erwin didn't feel like he was really pushing. 

The curtain moved then, and Erwin looked to the door. Dr. Chang from the day before stepped in, smiling, and he nodded to Erwin. 

“Good morning, Mr. Armstrong. Mr. Scott,” Dr. Chang said. 

“Good morning, Dr. Chang,” Erwin said. “It's good to see you under better circumstances.” The doctor smiled brighter, and nodded. 

“Much better circumstances,” Dr Chang said, looking at Levi. “How are you feeling today?” 

“Fine. I need my methadone though.”

“We'll have to wait for the methadone for a little longer,” Dr. Chang said. 

“You're going to put me in withdrawal?” Levi leaned up in the bed a bit farther, like a cat winding up to pounce. 

“Oh, no,” Dr. Chang said. “You won't go into any type of withdrawal until the day after tomorrow, probably.” 

“When can I go home?” 

“Let's get you out of the ICU first,” Dr. Chang. He walked over to Levi, pulling his stethoscope from his neck. “Let's see how your lungs are feeling.” Dr. Chang listened to Levi's chest, and Levi coughed a few times. “Do you smoke?” 

“Yes.” 

“Alright,” Dr. Chang said. “Your eyes next.” The doctor checked the dilation of Levi's eyes. “Do you know what day it is?” 

“I slept all day yesterday?” 

“Yes.” 

“It's Friday.” 

“Do you know the year?” 

“2015.” 

“And you're fully aware of who you are?

“I'm Landon Armstrong.” 

“Do remember how you met Mr. Scott?” 

“Yes,” Levi snapped. The doctor nodded. 

“Very good,” the doctor said. “The first time that you stopped breathing we gave you a dose of Narcan. Do you know what that is?” 

“It pushes your methadone out of place,” Levi said. “Which is why I need more methadone.” The doctor smiled. 

“You're right about how Narcan works. You won't need any methadone for a little longer though. Are you craving heroin yet?” 

“Not yet,” Levi said.

“We won't let you go into withdrawal, Mr. Armstrong. Also, you did and said some strange things when that happened the first time,” Dr. Chang said. “That's not unusual, but some of it was shocking. I'd like to do some more tests-” 

“No, thanks,” Levi said. “What did I do?” 

“You used your mother's language,” Erwin said. “You yelled at a nurse and scared her.” The doctor looked a little unhappy that he hadn't been able to ask Levi about it before Erwin provided the information.

“My mother's language,” Levi said. Erwin nodded and hoped that Levi would catch on to the lie. If not, they were both going to have some explaining to do. “I haven't used that in a while.” 

“You do it in your sleep sometimes,” Erwin said. Levi nodded and looked back at the doctor. 

“Over active imagination,” Levi said. The doctor raised his eyebrows in a quirky way, and nodded. 

“Sounds like it,” the doctor said. “Sometimes that happens with PTSD.” Levi only nodded, but he maintained firm eye contact, and the Dr. Chang took a step away from the bed. 

“Here's what I would like to do next,” Dr. Chang said. “We're going to move you down to a regular, private room today. How does that sound?” 

“How soon after that private room can I go home?” Levi asked. 

“How soon you can go home depends, Mr. Armstrong,” Dr. Chang said. “I'd like to have you psychologically evaluated before you go home just to make sure that you're doing okay.” Levi shook his head. 

“I don't need it. I need my meth. I need a cigarette, and I need to go home,” Levi said. 

“I understand. And I believe you,” Dr. Change said. “I don't think that your illness is a danger to yourself or others. But you've been through a serious-” 

“I know,” Levi said. “I'll do it. But if I'm alright, I want to go home. Tonight.” 

“I would feel comfortable releasing you tomorrow morning,” Dr. Chang said. 

“No-” 

“Landon,” Erwin said. Levi shot him a look. “Tomorrow morning is absolutely reasonable considering they gave you Narcan four times.” Erwin maintained the look, and Levi broke eye contact first, dropping his gaze to his lap. He was thinking about it, but Erwin knew that it was only the final act of defiance. He didn't know that they had given it to him that many times. And he slept for an entire day. Erwin would be more concerned if it didn't affect Levi at all to know everything that happened while he was unconscious.

“I'll stay until tomorrow morning, but I'm going home after that,” Levi said, looking back up at Dr. Chang. 

“I'm glad that you're agreeing to staying tonight. We'll see about getting you out tomorrow,” Dr. Chang said. Erwin was glad that Levi had agreed too. If Levi tried to resist any further, the doctor might have mandated a 72 hour psychiatric hold. That would have been a disaster for Levi's agitation and for Erwin's plan. “Do you have any questions?” 

“No,” Levi said. 

“I do,” Erwin said. Dr. Chang turned to him. “When can he shower and smoke a cigarette?” 

“Oh, right. When we move you to your private room, you'll be able to shower,” Dr. Chang said to Levi. Levi nodded without seeming pleased to hear it. “As for the cigarette, we'll try to make time to get you outside today. We'll move you soon.” Dr. Chang looked between the two of them before he walked out of the room. 

Erwin leaned back farther in his chair, trying to give the impression that he was relaxed. Levi leaned back in the bed, more from desperation than relaxation. He stared up at the ceiling, and Erwin wondered what was going through his mind. 

“I should have thought to bring some nicotine patches,” Erwin said. Levi chewed on his bottom lip, once more reminded that he was craving something he couldn't have. 

“It's fine,” Levi said. He put his fingers up to his mouth, from habit, but he didn't chew them anymore. When he dropped his hand he sighed. “Fuck.” Erwin watched Levi's face fall, and it hurt. It hurt more than anything to sit on the other side of the room like they hadn't been sharing a bed for so long, in two lives. But he couldn't do anything for him. 

The silence filled the room, and it wasn't necessarily uncomfortable. There was just a lack of content to discuss if they weren't going to talk about the elephant in the room. Levi obviously wasn't willing to say anything on the matter, and Erwin wasn't going to start the conversation that could end in a fit. In their first life, Levi raised his voice on the battlefield, but not many other places. In battle, it was necessary. War was loud. But Levi never felt the need to raise his voice very often in small spaces. That had changed. 

Erwin dropped his eyes from Levi and stared at his hands in his lap. Looking at his phone seemed unfair, as if he was a prisoner trying to distract himself from being the room. That wasn't the message he wanted to send. He wanted Levi to know that he was willing and ready to be there when necessary and possible. Staring at his hands looked suspicious too though. As if he was purposely avoiding eye contact. Erwin lifted his head and looked out the window. 

The weather was nice. Even though it was still cold out, the sun was making a few rays through the clouds. The window looked down into one of the courtyards of the hospital property, and Erwin settled his gaze on a man and woman sitting on one of the benches, smoking together. They looked cold, but they were also joking. He wondered if someone they knew was dying. 

_“Why would you think that?”_ Erwin wondered. He watched the couple longer, and he saw them laugh a while longer before they settled down into somber looks at the dead grass. _“Because people like to get their few laughs in before it's over. Before they have to either give into the grief or pretend.”_ Erwin looked away from the window and over at Levi again. Levi was already staring at him, in the way that Levi stares. He looks disinterested to most people, but Erwin saw the smallest movements of his irises. Levi was reading the situation, and Erwin didn't know his perception of it. In their first life, Levi strictly worked within the bounds of an either/or process. Either he could live, or he could die. It was either an order, or it wasn't. This Levi, Landon to be exact, avoided that process. Landon hadn't relapsed. Landon would fight against rehab. Landon could walk the line of being in Erwin's life and hiding everything at the same time. But Erwin needed to talk to Levi. 

“You okay?” Levi asked. Erwin blinked, realizing that they had been staring at each other the whole time that he had been thinking. 

“I'm alright. Thank you,” Erwin said. “Is there anything that I can do for you? I'm not going to be able to make them move you to a different room any faster, but could I get something for you?” Levi started to shake his head. Then, he stopped, and his eyebrows pinched together for a single second. 

“Yeah. There is,” Levi said. 

“What can I do for you, Levi?” Erwin asked quietly. Any hospital worker could move past the curtain, but he needed to make sure that he was addressing Levi. 

“Go get my phone for me,” Levi said. 

“Sure,” Erwin said. He stood from the chair. 

“Could you get some dip for me too?” Levi asked. 

“What kind of dip would you like?” 

“Skoal wintergreen,” Levi said. Erwin winced. He hadn't expected that. Levi caught the look. “They aren't going to let me out for a cigarette for a while. I don't like patches.” Erwin nodded.

“I'll get that for you then,” Erwin said. Levi nodded back at him, silent thanks. Reflex almost led Erwin over to the bed, but he turned and started walking towards the curtain instead. He grabbed the edge of the curtain-

“Hey,” Levi said. Erwin turned and looked at him. Levi was sitting up farther in bed and scratching his scalp. Erwin curled his toes in his shoes, trying to cement himself to the floor and stop from moving over to Levi immediately. “How long will you be gone?” Levi stopped scratching his head and looked over at Erwin. 

That hurt. It hurt too much. Levi never asked for anything. Erwin reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. He walked over to the bed and handed the phone to Levi. 

“Here,” Erwin said. “If you think of something else you would like while I'm out, then text or call your phone.” 

“It's probably dead,” Levi said. He reached up and took the phone anyway. 

“I'll charge it in the car,” Erwin said. “You remember the password?” One side of Levi's mouth tilted up in a grin, but it didn't reach his eyes. 

“Yeah,” Levi said, dropping the phone into his lap. He leaned back in the bed, staring at the phone. While he was distracted, Erwin leaned over and pressed his lips to Levi's forehead. He leaned back, but Levi grabbed him by the shirt and held him in place. Erwin looked down at him. Levi leaned up, and Erwin leaned down. 

Erwin had to support himself by holding onto one of the side rails of the bed. There wasn't any reason a kiss that chaste should have made his head swim, but it did. Erwin lifted one hand from the railing and pushed it into Levi's hair, holding him longer. When he felt Levi leaning back, Erwin took his hand away. He opened his eyes when they were separated. Levi's eyes had a soft look to them, but Erwin saw the pain behind it. The cold shower that he held onto so tightly slipped from his grasp. 

“I won't be long,” Erwin whispered. Levi nodded and let go of Erwin's shirt. Erwin swallowed and stood upright again. He turned and walked out of the curtained room at a normal pace, but once he was outside the ICU, he felt like he wanted to run out of the building.

******

Erwin stood in front of Levi's apartment door. He stared at the doorknob, not wanting to even touch it. Something about the false brass disgusted him. He had his hands shoved in the pockets of his slacks, tapping his index fingers against his thighs.

 _“You can't stare at it all day,”_ Erwin told himself. He pulled his hands out of his pockets and reached out, turning the knob. 

When he opened the door, he avoided looking at the table he had knocked over. Instead, he closed the door behind himself and walked over to the kitchen counter. He looked for the phone and didn't see it. Erwin kept his head down and walked over to the mattress on the floor, disturbed the sheets, shaking them, looking for the phone. Nothing. Erwin avoided looking at the table and went to the bathroom, and the toilet lid was still up from the night before last. The image of Levi hunched over that toilet, trying to rid his body of what he had taken assaulted Erwin's mind before he turned away from it. 

The table was to the left of him, and he knew that Levi's phone must have been there. Levi had sat down to smoke, and Erwin knew it had to be there. Otherwise it was in Levi's pants, and the whole trip meant nothing. 

He turned and looked at the disrupted table, the chairs on the floor, the dent in the wall. Some of the jelly had landed on the wall, and it would probably stain permanently since it had been left for so long. Erwin walked over to the table and righted it. The table wobbled when he put its pedestal back on the floor. 

Levi's phone, the jelly jar, a cigarette snuffed out from spilled jelly, were all on the carpet. He leaned down and picked up Levi's phone. It didn't look damaged due to Levi's phone case. Erwin pressed the button on top of the phone to light up the screen, but the phone didn't respond. It was dead like Levi had said it would be. Erwin put the phone in his pocket and looked around the little apartment. Specifically, he looked at the bed. It was the size that they used in the Survey Corps, with plain white sheets and single pillow. Erwin looked away from the bed and stared at the carpet. 

_”He's tried so hard,”_ Erwin thought. He felt his mind drifting, and he allowed it to happen while he stood in place. _“There's a possibility that he can recover fully without rehab,”_ Erwin told himself. His eyebrows furrowed with doubt in response to the thought. Intuition was strongly in favor of Levi going to rehab, and Erwin hardly ever questioned that inner voice. There had been too many times that intuition had saved the lives of others, or himself. But he lacked it when it counted. If he was too overwhelmed with emotion, there were times that he made mistakes. Or he simply couldn't chose a direction. 

In the time that he needed it the most, Levi had been his voice of reason. Erwin had lost his way. Levi showed him the path again. But Levi couldn't do that for him this time. No one could. 

Erwin lifted his eyes from the carpet and looked at the wall across the room. 

_“There's a possibility that he might not have to go,”_ Erwin thought. _“Don't doubt him. He may be glad to go.”_ Doubt surfaced again. _“There are going to be certain key phrases that he may use. If he uses them, then he has to go. So choose those now, while you're alone, in the battlefield.”_ Erwin closed his eyes and imagined the moment. _“It wasn't a relapse. I don't need rehab. I've been doing fine on my own.”_ Erwin opened his eyes again. Addicts used those phrases frequently, and for what they felt like was good reason. But to a healthy person, it only sounded like defense. Objectively, it was a defense. No one wants to become and addict. And there's not an addict who immediately agrees to help without a single shred of doubt. The habit runs too deep. The disease settles into the creases of the brain and holds tightly. The lifestyle is too familiar to abandon without looking back a single time. Levi made his home in a needle. 

Erwin looked around the apartment again. It wasn't a bad place to live. It was small, but functional. But he could see Levi laying in the bed and suffering while he was craving. He could see Levi standing in the kitchen and wrestling with something so much bigger than himself while standing still, holding onto the counter to keep his feet on the ground. And he had seen the way Levi used the table. The apartment could have been a grave. 

Seeing Levi, touching Levi, had weakened his resolve, but his initial reaction had been correct. Erwin was sure of it. Levi had to go. 

He walked through the apartment, completely willing to abandon it as it was, unless Levi requested that something be taken from it. It didn't matter if Levi didn't get his deposit back. He wouldn't be around anyway.

******

Going to the apartment had taken longer than he estimated. Levi didn't live far away, but lunch time traffic had slowed him down. It was already one in the afternoon. He was losing precious hours in the day. Erwin didn't know how he had let time get away from him except that he couldn't focus.

He had been sitting in his car in the hospital parking lot for almost thirty minutes. Erwin pressed his forehead into the steering wheel harder. He had felt the cold conviction of knowing he was right until he saw the hospital building again. Because that's where Levi was. Levi melted the ice. 

Erwin shut his eyes tighter and focused. In this life, he had never had to do such a thing. Most of the time, it was safe to express exactly how he felt, but in his first life, there had been many times that he had to turn a cold shoulder to things that he truly cared about. Even if he never had to do it with Levi, he could do it. 

Leaning up from the steering wheel, Erwin looked at the bag from the convenience store and Levi's phone in the passenger seat. The screen lit up, and his own name popped up. Erwin lifted his eyebrows. 

“Convenient,” he said. Erwin picked up the phone and swiped to answer. “Levi?” 

“Just got out of the shower,” Levi said. “They put me in a private room.”

“Do you feel better?” 

“Yeah. When are you coming back?” 

“Soon,” Erwin said. 

“An actual ETA.” 

“I'm already parked,” Erwin said. “What's your room number?” 

“307.” 

“I'll be up in just a few minutes,” Erwin said. 

“Actually, stall,” Levi said. “Go get some food or something.” 

“Why?” 

“Shrink just walked in.” 

“Oh,” Erwin said. “Alright. What would you like from McDonald's?” 

“You know what I like,” Levi said. 

“I'll do that then,” Erwin said. 

“Alright. Bye.” Levi ended the call. 

Erwin took the phone from his ear and leaned back in his seat. Stalling was the last thing that he needed to do. He wasn't going to talk to Levi about rehab until the next day, but having to wait was uncomfortable. The longer he waited, the more nervous he became about the reaction, and the more he worried that Levi would just run. 

But there was still Petra. Levi could run from Erwin. He had proven it. If Erwin was right, Levi couldn't run from Petra. 

Erwin waited in the parking lot for thirty more minutes before he went to get food from McDonald's. He hadn't eaten at all that day, and he ordered too much food. He hoped Levi was hungry too. 

Back at the hospital, Erwin parked again, grabbed the bags, their drinks, put Levi's phone in his pocket, and exited the car. Walking through the parking lot made his heart race, and he looked up at the hospital building and counted windows. Levi was on the third floor, and he wondered if he would be able to see his vehicle from Levi's room. All of it was to distract himself from the possibility of the evaluation going wrong. 

Erwin entered the hospital, found the elevators again, and practiced lines in his head. He had to be ready to talk when he went into the room. There was finally something to talk about besides what had happened, and he was so grateful. The elevator ride was too short though, and he only got halfway through the conversation that he imagined would happen by the time he stepped onto the third floor. Levi would probably be angry about having his mental health questioned, and Erwin would have to soothe him without sympathizing too much. Erwin planned out the conversation while he looked at the signs with directions for room numbers, and he followed them, counting down. 

When he reached Levi's room, he knocked. 

“Come in,” Levi said. Erwin opened the door and looked around the room. It was empty except for Levi, who was sitting in the bed, under the covers, but with his legs crossed in front of him. Erwin held up the McDonald's bag, and walked over to the bed. He put the paper bag down, and Levi grabbed the cardboard cupholder with their drinks out of his hand. Erwin set the convenience store bag on the foot of the bed, and pulled out the two bottles of red Gatorade that he bought, setting them on the bed along with a can of Skoal. Erwin balled up the plastic bag and threw it in the trash. 

Levi was already eating fries and drinking coke by the time Erwin sat down in the chair next to the bed. Erwin grabbed the McDonald's bag and pulled out his BigMac. Levi gave him the other coke. 

They ate ravenously in silence, and Erwin smiled when he saw Levi reach into the bag for another large fry. Erwin had bought four of them and two BigMacs. He didn't know why. They would never finish it all. After he ate the first burger, Erwin wiped his mouth with a napkin and watched Levi eat for a moment. 

“Do you want the other burger?” Erwin asked. Levi shook his head before he took another sip of coke. Erwin smiled before he took the other burger out of the bag. Levi shoveled fries into his mouth, drowning them with coke. Erwin almost forgot to eat because he had never seen Levi eat so fast. 

When Levi finished the second large fry, he dropped the empty cartons into the bag. He leaned forward, grabbed the can of Skoal, and started shaking and tapping the can to pack the tobacco before he opened it. Erwin didn't watch when Levi packed the tobacco into his bottom lip. 

Erwin got halfway through the second BigMac before he started feeling sick from eating too fast, and he closed the box. He looked up at Levi again. Levi looked absolutely satisfied, full of food and tobacco in his mouth. Erwin drained the rest of his coke from his cup. 

“Would you dump that ice out and give me your cup?” Levi asked, his speech distorted slightly from the lump in his lip. 

“Why?” Erwin asked. 

“I need to spit,” Levi said. Erwin cringed again, but he stood from the chair and walked over to the little sink in the bathroom attached to the room. He opened the lid, poured out the ice and rinsed the cup out. Erwin took the cup back to Levi, and he watched while Levi packed a stack of napkins from the McDonald's bag into the bottom of the big cup. Then, Levi leaned over the cup, even covered his face, before he spit. That's when Erwin realized that he was embarrassed by it. 

Erwin walked back over to his chair and sat down. 

“Thanks,” Levi said. Erwin nodded. 

“Any time,” Erwin said. “How did the evaluation go?” 

“Fine,” Levi said. 

“You said it was a shrink. Does that mean it was a psychologist or-”

“I talked to the psychologist first, and then I talked to a social worker,” Levi said. 

“Oh,” Erwin said. “Why both?” Levi shrugged. 

“Protocol probably,” he said before he leaned over the cup again. Erwin averted his eyes while Levi spit, but he heard Levi sigh quietly. He was glad that Levi was relieved. “This shit is disgusting.” 

Erwin didn't know what to say. Something about it definitely grossed him out, but he didn't want to make Levi feel worse about it. 

“Desperate times,” Erwin said. 

“Fucking right,” Levi said. “I haven't used this shit since I was in the Marines.” 

“Why would you have used it then?” 

“Can't smoke during certain missions,” Levi said, looking at Erwin. Erwin nodded. He had never used tobacco enough to have to crave a cigarette during a mission. 

“What did you say to the psychologist?” Erwin asked. Levi shrugged and shook his head. He spit again, but Erwin felt like it was a nervous habit rather than actual need. 

“What she wanted to hear,” Levi said. 

“How do you know what to say?” Erwin asked. Levi paused and thought about it. Erwin watched his gray eyes bounce around the room, trying to find something to focus on while finding the right words. 

“You learn to sound normal after a while,” he said. The words stung Erwin between his shoulder blades. It didn't hit him in the chest like an emotional blow. It felt like a betrayal. Because it reminded him of all the times he thought Levi was doing better. The look on his face was still neutral. 

“Doesn't that make you feel tired?” Erwin asked. Levi spit again, and Erwin didn't turn away that time. He saw Levi side eye him, and he thought he saw a slight blush in Levi's cheeks. Pure embarrassment, and Erwin didn't care at all. 

“At first, you think that you can't keep it up,” Levi said. “After a while, it's second nature.” Something in Levi's tone told Erwin that he wasn't exactly talking drugs anymore. “And once it's second nature, it doesn't matter what people say to you anymore. You don't care that people are talking about you when they think you can't hear them.” Levi looked at Erwin. Erwin searched his face. 

“Are we still talking about addiction?” Erwin asked. Levi shrugged and spit again. 

“You do it too, Erwin,” Levi said. “You know what I'm talking about.” 

“I don't think I do,” Erwin said. Levi raised his eyes to the ceiling, and Erwin hoped that Levi would find the patience up there that he was obviously looking for. When Levi looked at Erwin again, Erwin narrowed his eyes, trying to find the answer. 

“We made a lot of decisions that people didn't agree with,” Levi said. “And we learned to put up with the bullshit that came along with it.” Erwin nodded, understanding. He hid the surprise that he felt. Levi was actually talking about their first life, about his decision to let Erwin go, for the first time even though he was still avoiding all details. 

“You're right then,” Erwin said. “I do it too.” 

“I know,” Levi said before he spit again. 

“So has there been any news of if they're going to release you tomorrow?” Erwin asked. 

“Yeah,” Levi said. “They said that they would recommend that the doctor release me to tomorrow because I told them I wanted to go to rehab.” Erwin's body told him that he needed to vomit, but he knew that it was only a reflexive response. “They were so glad to hear it that they didn't focus on much else.” Erwin regretted eating so much. His stomach was flipping. He felt his face flush, and the need to vomit almost got the better of him. But he focused on his heart rate and breathing. The next question was obvious, and if he didn't ask it then it would be more suspicious than asking it anyway. Feeling his heart thumping in his chest was distracting him, but he needed to ask. 

_”Balance,”_ Erwin told himself. “Levi-” But Levi just shook his head. 

“I'm not leaving you, Erwin,” Levi said, shooting him a look. Erwin really did want to vomit. His stomach was sinking so fast that he was afraid he would hit the floor. “I told them what they wanted to hear.” The look of determination in Levi's eyes was fierce, and Erwin hated it for being there. One of Levi's eyebrows twitched, and Erwin took that to mean that Levi had seen a change in facial expression. Erwin was so busy trying not to lose his lunch on the floor that he hadn't been able to completely school his features. 

More than anything, Erwin wished that he had been prepared for what was happening. He wished that he had brought the material and asked Petra to be on stand-by. But he hadn't. It was a mistake on his part. He should have prepared for it as soon as he found out that Levi would have an evaluation. 

Erwin reached into his pocket and pulled Levi's phone out. He offered it to Levi, and they traded phones. Erwin put his phone into his pocket, and leaned back in his chair. 

“Haven't you ever considered rehab?” Erwin asked. 

“No,” Levi said. “I'm doing alright on my own. I've got a job. I paid rent for over two years. I'm fine without it.” Levi spit into his cup again. Erwin nodded. That was true. Levi had done well. And that left Erwin feeling even more unprepared. That was a phrase that Erwin had thought Levi would say. But Erwin thought that maybe he should ask the most important question. Levi's answer to that would tell him everything. 

“You don't consider this to be severe enough to warrant rehab?” Erwin asked. Levi shook his head.

“No,” Levi said. “I've relapsed before. This wasn't a relapse.” Erwin swallowed, and he wanted to stand up. He wanted to leave. He furrowed his eyebrows while he thought about it. And he watched it all fall into place. 

Erwin stood from his chair. 

“Gotta piss?” Levi asked. 

“I'm leaving,” Erwin said. 

“Why?” Levi asked, rage instantly coloring his face. 

“Because I don't know who I'm talking to,” Erwin said. He turned and started walking to the door. 

“Erwin,” Levi snapped, speech still distorted from the tobacco. Erwin didn't stop. He opened the door and stepped out. “Erwin!” Erwin closed the door behind himself and walked down the hospital hallway. 

He wasn't looking down at the floor anymore. He was looking straight ahead. His phone was vibrating in his pocket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience! I already know the majority of the next chapter, and I'm going to be slow answering comments while I try to catch up. 
> 
> I always appreciate your support.


	29. January 10, 2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I think I lost my mind a while ago_   
>  _Cause' I've been seeing some ghosts_   
>  _And I'd be lying if I told you I'm fine_   
>  _But I lie_   
>  _Yeah, these thoughts I would never speak out loud_   
>  _I've seen you cry but I've never seen you shout_   
>  _Like a hurricane_   
>  [ Drowning by Eden ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IKaNodcBiLA)   
> 

“Good morning, Commander,” Petra said quietly. Erwin pulled out the chair across from Petra and sat down. He set the legal pad and folder of information on the table before folding his hands in front of himself. 

“Good morning, Petra,” Erwin said. The cafe near the hospital was just noisy enough from the soft generic music and quiet discussions that no one would be paying attention to their conversation. Erwin realized that Petra didn't look the same in casual clothing. In their first life, her uniform covered up most of her figure, and her scrubs took away the shape of her body. But in a t-shirt and jeans, she actually looked more human to him. And it would work in his favor. “I'm sorry that I've asked you to wait so long to see Levi.” 

“It's no trouble, Commander. I understand,” she said, keeping a smile but breaking eye contact. Erwin managed a soft smile, and when she looked up at him again, she shrugged, unsure of what else to say. 

“If you would like to call me by my name, that would be alright,” Erwin said. Petra raised her eyebrows. 

“I'm sorry, I didn't even realize that I was still doing it.” 

“If you're most comfortable calling me by that title, then I understand, Petra. But I don't want you to feel like you're required to do it.” 

“Oh, no,” she said. “That's just,” she paused, shaking her head. “That's just who you are.” Erwin studied her face and didn't see anything unusual. 

“Petra, what's your legal name this time? There might come a time that I need to use it.” 

“Penelope Richards,” she said. 

“Would you like to be called Penelope?” 

“No. I'm Petra,” she said. She put her hands on the table and mimicked Erwin's posture, leaning in closer. “I never liked my legal name anyway.” Erwin smiled wider at her. 

“My name this time is Ean,” Erwin said. “Try it.” Petra wrinkled her nose. 

“Ean?” 

“Yes,” Erwin said, almost laughing. “But without the cringing.” Petra laughed lightly, and Erwin was glad. He hadn't been able to keep in touch with her since she remembered. 

The barista brought their drinks to the table, and they both thanked her. Petra lifted her cup to her face and began blowing on her tea to cool it down. Erwin smiled when he saw her amber eyes light up. 

The day before, when he left Levi, he went home and tried to follow the rest of his daily routine. Levi called a few times, and he ignored it. Apparently, Levi hadn't tried to contact anyone else because no one had asked him what was happening. Erwin watched TV until he fell asleep on the couch. When he woke up, he tried to eat, but still felt sick from earlier. Then, a bottle of whiskey followed him to the couch, and he fell asleep again. He woke up with a crick in his neck that still ached. 

“I'm sorry that I haven't been in touch with you the last couple of days,” Erwin said. 

“That's alright. I've enjoyed spending time with the others,” Petra said. Erwin leaned forward farther. 

“Petra, I can't imagine what it was like to remember the way that you remembered, and if there's anything that I can do for you, to make it any easier at all, I'd be glad to help,” Erwin said. 

Petra broke eye contact and looked at the little cardboard advertisement on the table. Erwin leaned back to give her room to think. The look on her face made her seem mentally distant, and he was concerned about her seeing Levi again at all. She didn't look alright. But he knew that an imagination could create things that were so much worse than reality. 

“What happened to him?” she asked. Erwin paused, considering the moves that he could make. But there was really only one. 

“Normally, I would say that he should tell you himself,” Erwin said. “Unfortunately, you've come back to us during a crucial moment, and time is not on our side.” Erwin paused, and she looked at him, searching for something. His mask had faltered the day before, but he couldn't allow that to happen in front of Petra. Erwin didn't know what Levi had shared with her in their first life. He wasn't sure if Petra knew about the relationship that he and Levi had aside from being Commander and Captain. If Levi didn't want her to know, then he didn't want to take that choice away. And depending on how Levi responded to going to rehab, Erwin wasn't sure there would anything to tell. “I'll tell you the very basics, and if he wants to share any details, I'll leave that up to him. Is that alright?” 

“Yes, sir,” she said. Erwin lifted his coffee and tried it. It was at a temperature that was reasonable to drink, and he took a swallow of it, realizing that he should have ordered some water to go with it. He drank a lot of water before he left home to combat his hangover, and the ibuprofen had helped his headache and neck pain, but the coffee would just dehydrate him again. Erwin put his cup back down and looked at Petra. He couldn't remember if she had always looked so curious in their first life, but he thought that it suited her. Maybe that's why Levi had chosen her for his squad, curiosity and drive. 

“My birthday, in our first life and in this one, is on October 14,” Erwin said. “On October 14, 2012, I convinced my best friend, who I now know is Mike, to go to a fight club with me.” Petra raised an eyebrow. “It's a strange birthday request isn't it.” 

“Yes, sir.”

“Poor Mike has had to deal with that sort of thing even before I remembered,” Erwin said with a self-deprecating grin. “Strange and dangerous.” 

“Violent.” 

“Yes,” Erwin said. “Mike and I were studying substance abuse counseling, and I knew that some addicts liked to fight for money. I was specifically interested in the population of addicts who are so depersonalized that the threat of serious injury seems like a fair trade for their drug. So we went to that club, surprisingly at about ten o'clock at night, much earlier than I expected based on popular culture. I found Levi in that fight club.” Both of Petra's eyebrows raised then. “If you're curious, he was the winner for night-”

“He still fights the same then?” Petra leaned closer. 

“If you mean to ask whether he can break bones with a single kick, then yes, even when he's impaired,” Erwin said. Petra's lips parted slightly, and she looked morbidly excited. Erwin didn't want to ruin any moment of excitement with gory details. He was sure she would find out the majority of it eventually. “I gave him my cell phone, and I called him later. Whatever he had won in the fight had already been spent on heroin, and he was high while I talked to him.” The amber glow faded, and she paled. He didn't know why the story wasn't cohesive for her. The fight equaled money equaled drugs. But she was still adjusting, and he couldn't begrudge her any sort of excitement in the moment. Petra looked down into her tea. “I had seen what I thought were track marks on his arms while he was fighting, but Mike and I were far away enough that I couldn't see how bad they were. But there were a lot of them, Petra.” Petra picked up her tea and took a sip. “I met with him the next day. He asked me to take him into a hospital for detox, and he asked if I would leave while he detoxed-” 

“Of course he would,” she said, putting her tea cup back down. Erwin nodded. 

“I left him there, and he hid from us for almost two years while he was trying to recover,” Erwin said. “He suffered from one complete and calculated relapse, and he's abused benzodiazepines for a while, despite being aware of the dangers.” Petra leaned farther over the table and supported her forehead with her left hand, thumping her elbow down onto the table. “Recently, he's gone through several stressful situations, and that built up to what I believe is another relapse.” Petra lifted her eyes. 

“This is another relapse?” she asked. Erwin nodded. 

“While he was alone, I can only speculate that he did well, but since he's been with the other veterans, including myself, his mental health has declined,” Erwin said. “He had a near slip-up after Thanksgiving, and he told me about it. He did well. But then he also struggled with it around Christmas due to stress. If he's been taking extra doses of his prescribed medication since then to help him get through some days, I wouldn't be surprised, but I have no proof. Recently there was a specific incident, that I won't explain, which overwhelmed him to the point that his addiction-” Erwin paused and thought about how he wanted to word it. He knew that Levi wasn't at fault for what happened, but Levi was responsible for what happened. Logging into the Twitter account to give himself a reason couldn't be considered a slip up. Trying to navigate the gray areas felt impossible. “I believe that Levi felt like he wouldn't be able to handle things without experiencing another high.” Petra looked down at her tea again. She lifted her cup and took a sip. Erwin drank some of his coffee. When he set his cup down, he expected that Petra would have some questions, but she didn't say anything. Erwin thought it was odd that her curiosity from earlier had faded. “I want to ask him to go to a rehabilitation facility.” Petra looked up at him then, and her eyes focused on his. 

“Why do you think anyone would do that?” Petra asked. Erwin furrowed his eyebrows. 

“Do what?” he asked. Petra looked uncomfortable, and he wished that he could intuit what she was asking rather than having her explain. But the question was too vague. 

“When I think of the Captain, I can't imagine him using drugs,” Petra said. “Especially heroin. That's not the type of person that he is.” Petra visibly swallowed and broke eye contact, staring off to her left at nothing. Erwin wasn't surprised that she found it odd. She had no idea what happened after she died, and Erwin wasn't willing to tell her. If anyone was allowed to tell her, it should be Levi. Levi should have control over the information when it came to his former subordinate. And Erwin made a mental note to tell everyone not to discuss what they knew about his death with Petra. Levi deserved that power.

“Addiction doesn't discriminate,” Erwin said. Petra looked back at him, obviously skeptical. “As far as I know, he began using once he left the Marine Corps-”

“He was in the military?” 

“Yes. Mike and I were in the Army,” Erwin said. “We've all agreed that we've been looking for something for the majority of our lives and couldn't find it until we remembered.” Petra nodded. “Does that sound familiar?” 

“Yes,” she said, smiling even though it looked painful. “I thought I wanted to be a nurse to help people. But now I can admit that I was attracted to the rush.” Erwin reassessed her body language. She looked defeated, and he didn't understand why. 

“Even people who don't have our background seek out adrenaline rushes in their work place,” Erwin said. 

“It's not the same. The Captain sent me to assist so many soldiers while they were dying,” she said. “I was just looking for that again.” 

“Or searching for him,” Erwin said. Petra looked at him. “Maybe in the same way that I decided that counseling addicts was so interesting before I found Levi.” She frowned. 

“What do you do now, sir?” 

“I'm a high school history teacher,” Erwin said. 

“That's a change.” 

“Drastic,” Erwin agreed. Petra drank from her tea cup again. 

“Nursing doesn't seem so important anymore,” she said. 

“How old are you, Petra?” 

“Twenty-four, sir.” 

“You have plenty of time to explore other things,” he said before taking another sip of his coffee. She nodded. 

“Do you think he'll go to rehab?” she asked. Erwin cleared his throat before he set his cup back down. The conversation was disjointed, and he wished that they could stay on one topic. But he knew that wasn't how casual conversation worked. 

_”This isn't an official meeting,”_ Erwin reminded himself. “I'm not sure. But I've already set everything up for him to go.” Petra nodded, emphatically, and Erwin was glad to see her energy returning. 

“He could go as soon as they release him,” Petra said. 

“If he decides to go, then that's an option,” Erwin said. 

“Where will he be going?” 

“South Carolina,” Erwin said. Petra raised her eyebrows. 

“Out of state?” she asked. Erwin nodded. 

“There's a facility up there that I think will cater to the way Levi can find healing,” Erwin said. “Lots of physical activity along with the regular programs that most facilities have. Group therapy. Individual therapy.” 

“Could I go with you when you take him up there?” 

“I was actually going to ask if you would be interested in taking him,” Erwin said. “I would pay for your fuel and meals.” Petra shook her head. 

“Commander, you should be the one to take him.” 

“I doubt that he's going to want to be in a car with me for three hours after I talk to him,” Erwin said. 

“Why?” she asked. 

“Because I'm the one asking him to go,” Erwin said. 

The look in Petra's eyes changed so quickly that Erwin almost revealed a facial expression. It seemed like pity, and Erwin almost squirmed under the gaze. That's not the way a subordinate should look at her Commander. In the Survey Corps, Erwin preferred most of the difficult work to be kept behind the scenes, and he wanted to shield Petra from knowing just how bad things had gotten. 

“I could ask him to go,” Petra said. 

“Absolutely not,” Erwin said. “I want you to maintain your relationship with Levi as much as possible, Petra, if that's what you want.” 

“I do,” she said, nodding a bit faster than Erwin would have liked. “I want to be around, sir.” Then, Petra's face contorted, and Erwin waited for the pending question in her mind. But it was already obvious to him. “What if he refuses to go?” 

Erwin felt the tennis match, the back and forth motion in his mind, deciding whether or not he should reveal the entire plan to her. The ball landed firmly on one side of the court, and he couldn't argue with the finality. 

“We'll determine the next step if that happens,” Erwin said. Petra nodded. That comforted Erwin in a small way. She was still willing to go into a situation blind as long as she thought she had competent leadership. “Could I ask you for something?” 

“Yes, sir.” 

Erwin picked up the legal pad and the pen. He set it in front of Petra. 

“Would you please write down what type of relationship you would like to have with the Captain?” Erwin asked. Petra looked down at the yellow paper and pen. “I'll be the one asking him to go to rehab, but writing out what you want from him, as a leader, or as a friend, could be helpful to both of you.” 

Petra frowned and sipped her tea, thinking while she stared at the paper. Erwin wondered if she had taken the time to think of it at all. Things were different this time. There was no objective anymore. Ranks were self-enforced based entirely on familiarity, and that was flimsy. 

“Think of it this way,” Erwin said. Petra looked up at him, putting her cup down. “If we had survived the war and retired, what would you have wanted? Not just from Levi, but also in general.” Petra's cheeks darkened, and it took a moment for Erwin to realize that he was witnessing her blushing. “Whatever you are comfortable sharing will be helpful.” Petra took another sip of her tea, looking back down at the blank paper. After she swallowed, Petra set her cup down, cradled her forehead in one hand, picked up the pen with the other and began writing. 

Erwin sat back and enjoyed his coffee.

******

Levi stood in front of the window of his room, spit cup in hand, watching people and cars pass through the parking lot. He hadn't seen Erwin, but that didn't mean that Erwin wasn't in the building.

The night before, he barely slept, staring at the ceiling in the dim room, thinking about how risky it would be to leave the hospital and find some heroin. The cravings hadn't started in earnest, but there was something scratching at the back door of his brain, making him ache, causing his legs to move on their own, restlessly asking to get out of the bed. 

That morning they gave him the regular doses of his medication, and the scratching sound stopped. They also took his IV out which he considered a good sign, and he was so ready to go home that he asked for the personal effects that they took off of him in the emergency room. He put on his slacks and socks. Rather than putting the shirt back on, Levi left the hospital gown on in case someone else wanted to listen to his lungs. But it felt good to be covered up at least halfway. 

Levi spit into his cup, adjusted his footing, and narrowed his eyes while he stared out of the window. The day before, Erwin had acted really strangely. He hadn't expected Erwin to be so upset to know that he wasn't planning on going to rehab. He didn't need it. Everything was going alright considering that Erwin had hidden something as big as Armin being around. 

In fact, after Erwin left, Levi had plenty of time to think about the entire situation. And Erwin owed him an apology. A big one. Not only had Erwin violated his privacy by gaining his physical address without permission, but Erwin had hidden too many things from him without good explanation. Levi found out about Erwin stealing his address. He found out about Armin. All of it was coming to light. 

Erwin had a reason to be secretive in their first life, but in this one, it was unjustified. It made Levi's skin crawl knowing that Erwin had so much information that he couldn't have. Things had changed. There was no reason for Erwin to hide things from him, and Levi was going to make that crystal clear. That's not how they were going to function anymore. He wanted the whole truth all of the time. 

When he heard the knock on the door behind him, Levi frowned, spit the tobacco out into his cup. 

“Come in,” he said. Levi walked over to the bathroom to wash his mouth out. He wasn't supposed to be using tobacco in the hospital room, but when he asked to go out for a cigarette the night before, they had denied him. He wasn't willing to go without. Levi leaned over the sink and rinsed his mouth out, checked his teeth in the mirror for any leaves that might have gotten stuck in his teeth. He hid his cup in the corner of the bathroom under the sink and just hoped that nurses weren't going to be looking in there. 

When Levi stepped out of the bathroom, Erwin was standing by the bed.

“Good morning,” Erwin said. 

“What the fuck was wrong with you yesterday?” 

Erwin faltered. His face was stoic, but it seemed like he was having a hard time thinking of a response. 

“I'm sorry if I upset you,” Erwin said. 

“There's no reason to be an asshole about all of this, Erwin,” Levi said. “You're the one who stole my address and didn't tell me about Armin.” 

Erwin didn't say anything at first, and he was hiding his facial expression under apathy. But Levi knew that wouldn't last long. It was initial defense, easily broken down. 

“You're right,” Erwin said. “I'm sorry.” Levi waited, not necessarily satisfied with words anymore. “I'm going to start being very honest with you, Levi.” Ice raced up Levi's back because he wasn't sure if that was necessarily a good thing. But it involved less risk than Erwin hiding things. “Do you still trust me?” The reflex was to immediately agree, but Levi purposely waited in an attempt to break the mask over Erwin's face. He waited long enough that the words started to choke him, but Erwin didn't show any sign of suspense. 

“Yeah,” Levi said. “Maybe I shouldn't, but I do.” He wanted the ask the question in return, but that would leave him open to blows, and he couldn't afford the vulnerability. Levi turned around, and picked up his spit cup from the corner of the bathroom. If it was just Erwin, he was going to put some more dip in his lip. “Levi.” 

Levi looked over at him, furrowing his eyebrows. 

“I need to talk to you about something,” Erwin said. “Could it wait?” 

“Yeah, sure,” Levi said. He put his cup back in its poor hiding spot and walked over to Erwin, looking up at him, arms already crossed, even though he knew it made him look closed off. 

“I want to explain why I was so upset yesterday,” Erwin said. Levi cleared his throat and switched his weight from one leg to the other. 

“Alright.” 

“Do you want to sit down?” 

“No.” 

“Then, I'll sit,” Erwin said. He walked over to the chair near the bed and sat down, leaning back in the chair. Erwin put his hands in his lap, and Levi watched him. He felt like he should sit down. Erwin was preparing for something. “Levi, there's no way to prepare you for what I'm going to tell you.” 

“Spit it out then.” 

“Petra's here,” Erwin said. A flash of amber eyes. Thin red hair. Levi's throat felt tight. Laughter that he couldn't hear anymore, but the face that accompanied it, wrinkles around her eyes, holding her sides. Crushed and bent against the tree, blood pouring from her nose and the legs of her trousers. And when he spoke, he could barely hear himself. 

“Petra who?” 

“Petra Ral,” Erwin said. 

Levi's legs felt tingly, and he didn't really understand why. He wanted to move towards the bed to sit down, and he uncrossed his arms to walk, but his feet wouldn't move. 

“She's an emergency room nurse, Levi,” Erwin said. Levi's head was spinning, but he had tunnel vision. He could only see the linoleum floor under him, and he counted the spots on the tiles. 

When Levi felt arms around him, he pushed against them, but they were helping. The bed moved closer, and someone gently put him sat him down on the mattress. His feet dangled from the floor, and he held onto the forearms near him. 

“Levi,” Erwin said. “Can you hear me?” 

Levi swallowed, and felt the pain explode inside of his mind. Petra was here, and she was an emergency room nurse. She remembered when she saw him. And she saw him at the worst. 

Unable to stay upright, Levi leaned forward, resting his forehead on Erwin's chest, and he released a shaking breath when he felt Erwin's hand on the back of his head, thumb brushing against his undercut. 

“Petra.” 

“She's here,” Erwin said. “She's alright.” 

Levi took a breath, and it burned. He tried to say something else, but rather than words, there was just a strangled sound of injury ripped from his throat. More than anything, he wanted to float away. The bite of the needle in his arm, the bitter taste of Xanax in his mouth, it would all be good if he could get away from the time he last saw Petra, to forget the way that she looked when she was tube of meat crushed in the middle. Levi tightened his grip on Erwin's forearms, trying to stay present. 

“Look at me,” Erwin said. Levi felt hands framing his face, and Erwin stepped back. He allowed his face to be tilted up, and he saw Erwin's eyes. “Look at me, Levi.” Erwin searched Levi's face for recognition, and Levi didn't know how to give it. He could see Erwin. He could hear him, but responding seemed like too much. “Petra's okay. You're alright, Levi.” Erwin wrapped one of his hands in Levi's. “Squeeze my hand.” Levi squeezed. “Harder, Levi. Squeeze my hand as hard as you can.” 

“She saw me,” Levi choked, and he squeezed. 

“She saw you,” Erwin said. “You brought her back.” He squeezed Levi's hand until it hurt. “Keep squeezing my hand, Levi. Come back. We have things to do, things to talk about, Levi. Come back for now.” 

Levi's mouth felt dry, and he squeezed Erwin's hand harder. He released, and Erwin squeezed his hand in return. Levi squeezed back. They squeezed back and forth, and Levi's vision cleared up enough that he was surprised that it he didn't notice it had blurred at all. The clarity in Erwin's eyes helped to bring him back, and he listened to Erwin's breathing, trying to match it. 

“That's it, Levi,” Erwin said. Erwin lifted his free hand, shaded Levi's eyes from the light, and moved his head, checking pupil response time. Erwin squeezed his hand again, Levi squeezed back. “Petra's fine. She looks the same. She sounds the same.” Levi nodded, checking Erwin's eyes for anything, and there wasn't much. But he saw the concern, and it fed the desire to be present again, to not go back to the war. Levi squeezed his hand again. “Are you alright?” Erwin asked, squeezing his hand. 

“I need water,” Levi said. Erwin let go of his hand, went to the little table on wheels and picked up the cup of water. When he gave it to Levi, Levi tried to drink straight from the cup instead of the straw.

“Stop,” Erwin said. Levi stopped, pure instinct. “Drink from the straw. Don't drink too quickly.” 

Levi put the straw in his mouth and took a few sips, just enough to wet his mouth, and then he drank some more when he realized that he was actually thirsty, like the news had made him dry from the inside out. 

After a moment, Erwin reached out to take the cup. Levi gave it to him, took a shaky breath, and looked down at the floor. Erwin set the cup on the table and looked back around at Levi. He grabbed his chair, dragged it closer to the bed, and he looked up at Levi. When he spoke, his voice was much quieter. 

“That's why I was upset yesterday,” Erwin said. Levi nodded. That was reasonable. Petra needed help, and Levi wasn't around to give it. “You didn't have all of information before you made a decision.” 

“What decision?” 

“The decision to go to rehab.” 

Reality rushed back, and he was definitely in a hospital room again. Levi shook his head. 

“No. I'm staying here for her,” Levi said. He met Erwin's eyes, and he only saw the Commander. “I'm staying here, Erwin. I'm not going anywhere.” No emotion. No response. 

“You haven't been able to stay clean long term,” Erwin said. 

“Yes, I have.” 

“How many times have you been able to tell the NA group that you've gone six months without anything?” Erwin asked. That stung, but it was fair. Levi hadn't been able to go without. 

“I never had a reason to go so long,” Levi said. And he realized that he included Erwin in the statement, but Erwin didn't look hurt. Erwin nodded. “Petra's here. It's different now.”

“When I told you Petra was here, what was your first thought?” Erwin asked. Levi narrowed his eyes, looking down at Erwin, lifting his head a bit more. “Why would you go through everything to get into the Twitter account just to find something that you knew wouldn't be good for you?”

“Because I knew that you were fucking hiding something from me like you always do,” Levi said. “If Petra remembered two days ago, you've been hiding her from me too.” Erwin shook his head. 

“I've been hiding _you_ from her,” Erwin said. “You aren't functional anymore.” Levi gritted his teeth together, instantly shaking with the rage that finally boiled over. 

“Who the fuck do you think you are, coming in here and telling me what I need to do? What's best for me? I'm not your fucking soldier anymore! You don't fucking know me anymore! I didn't have what you had! I had to do every fucking thing on my own-”

“Then stop doing it on your own.” 

“I've done just fucking fine, Erwin! I don't have a mom! I don't have your fucking daddy issues because I barely had a dad! I didn't have shit! I had to fight for everything I have, you ungrateful, spoiled, asshole! You need to put your fucking hero complex in check!” 

Levi's voice had gradually raised, and Erwin still had the same look on his face, not bothered by the noise or deterred by the words. In fact, he gave Levi a slow blink in response, nonplussed. 

“Don't fucking look at me like that. It's your fucking fault that we're like this,” Levi said. 

“It's no one's fault-” 

“This wouldn't have happened if you would've just fucking talked to me!” 

“You've been doing things your way all of this time, Levi,” Erwin said. “And it hasn't worked-”

“It's fucking worked-”

“No.”

“I have a fucking job, Erwin! I've been paying rent! I'm fucking clean!” 

“So what are we going to do when you leave here today?” Erwin asked. 

“We're going home!” 

“And what will you say to Petra?” 

Levi narrowed his eyes. He honestly hadn't thought of it. Seeing her, alive and moving on her own again, was enough. He didn't have to say anything to her. He didn't have to justify himself. 

Except that he did. 

Because she had seen him high, in a hospital bed in the emergency room, with a whole foot firmly planted on the other side of life. 

“What will you say to everyone, Levi?” Erwin asked. “Will you go to NA and pretend that you missed a meeting because you were in the hospital after a car collision? Are you going to go back to work and pretend that your ribs are sore?” Erwin paused, legitimately wanting an answer. “Are we going to go home and forget that you almost died?” 

Levi slipped off the bed, with some trouble, because Erwin was boxing him in against it by sitting in the chair, and he wanted to avoid touching him while he slipped by. 

“Sit down,” Erwin said. 

“Where's Petra?” 

Erwin stood up, pushed the chair away with his foot, and Levi looked up at him. 

“You can see her when we're done talking,” Erwin said. 

“We're done talking now,” Levi said. “I'm not going.” He pushed past Erwin. 

“Then, when you're done saying hello, you can tell her goodbye,” Erwin said. Levi turned, fully facing Erwin then, standing up straighter, trying to reach eye level, standing much closer than necessary. 

“What?” 

“Isn't that what you've said yourself?” Erwin asked. “If we ever found someone who wasn't stable enough to be around us that we couldn't allow them to stay?” 

Levi's eyes widened, choking on a fast response like Erwin had taken his own words and shoved them down his throat.

“While you've been here thinking about how bad your situation is, I've watched every one of our soldiers suffer, Levi. Your problems aren't the only ones that matter,” Erwin said. “Petra most of all, in her confusion and fear, is completely lost now that her Captain is compromised to addiction.” 

“Erwin-”

“How do you honestly expect to continue recovery from here, Levi? Addicts hide. And addicts lie. When are you going to stop lying to everyone else and yourself?” 

Levi stepped back and looked at him, really looked at him since he had walked in the door. But he wasn't Erwin anymore. There was a Commander in front of him. In private, the Commander fell away, and Erwin was left for him. Erwin was for Levi, and rarely anyone else in their first life. Mike and Hange saw him sometimes, but Levi knew that Erwin reserved his humanity, the smiles, the laughter, nighttime whispers, for their time together. And even though they were alone, Erwin wasn't in the room. Those cold blue eyes weren't angry, but they were staring down an obstacle. Erwin had given many people that look, but Levi had never been on the receiving end of it. 

“No,” Levi said, shaking his head. “I'll-” He shook his head. “I'll tell my sponsor, but I can't tell my boss. She'll fire me.” 

“You can go today as soon as they release you,” Erwin said. And Levi felt cornered. Because through all of his self-defense and survival instinct, he was losing ground. So he stepped back farther to draw an invisible line.

“I'll lose my job.” 

“You'll find another,” Erwin said. 

“I can't leave Stephen without a sponsor.” 

“The group doesn't expect you to stay around and help him find one when you could go today.” 

“And what about my bills? Who's going to pay those if I'm not here to do it?” 

“I am.” 

Levi stepped back farther. 

“I'm not leaving Petra after she's just remembered,” Levi said. 

“Leave her for a while, or leave her permanently. You have your options.”

Levi dug his heels into the floor, trying to maintain the only ground that he had left. He crossed his arms in front of him, and felt like Erwin should do the same. Both of them were too exposed. 

“I'm not leaving you,” Levi said, shaking his head. “I said I wouldn't leave you again.” He had never said it, would never dream of making a commitment he couldn't keep, but he wanted Erwin to believe it. 

Erwin closed the distance between them, leaned down, and Levi couldn't help but make eye contact, shivering when he felt Erwin's breath on him. 

“I would give up anything,” Erwin said, searching Levi's eyes for recognition. “To take this away from you.” 

“You don't know what it means to give up something,” Levi said. And it sounded as insulting as he meant it. Erwin had literally scarified life and limb, and Levi degraded all of it in a single sentence. _“Hit me back,”_ Levi thought. _“Please hit me back.”_

“I will give up everything I have to help you further your recovery, Levi,” Erwin said. 

The heat of discomfort raged in Levi's back, the flight response making his ankles ache to move, because being under Erwin's eyes was worse than a gun on his temple, and he wanted to run. He wanted to move, but he was stuck to the spot, under the scrutiny of a man who had the advantage and knew it. Levi had handed it over personally. And the worst of it all, Erwin's hands were shaking. Levi could see the tremor all the way to his shoulders, and it hurt too much to see it again. Once was enough. 

“Thirty days,” Levi whispered. 

“One hundred and twenty,” Erwin said. “And when you come back, you'll be off methadone.” Erwin waited, and Levi couldn't speak. “Petra will take you. She has the paperwork that you need to fill out on the way.” 

Levi wanted to ask for his benzos. He wanted to get high again, just to make everything quieter. Erwin wasn't speaking very loudly, Levi had been louder, but Erwin's voice still sounded like war cries in his head, and it was too loud. Everything was loud, and it hurt. 

Most importantly, he believed Erwin. When Erwin decided that something needed to happen, he would give anything. Levi had seen it so many times. 

Levi dropped his gaze to Erwin's trembling hands, and Erwin moved them, behind his back, straightening his backbone. It was Erwin's only tell that Levi had ever found when the Commander was talking. And it meant something, but he never found out what it meant. He had given up the chance to ask last time. 

“If you'll give up anything,” Levi said. “Tell me why your hands shake like that.” Levi lifted his eyes to Erwin's, his face dropping into disinterest even though the winner had already been determined. This was the last punch of the fight, the final kick after he was already down, and he hoped it was going to be good. There was a slight change in Erwin's eyes, and Erwin legitimately looked like he didn't want to answer before he opened his mouth. 

“Because I'm trying not to touch you.” 

Levi hung his head. Backfire. The answer only made him ache. He remembered the last time he had seen Erwin's hands shake that way, and it was during one of the worst nights of both of his lives. 

“I'll get Petra,” Erwin said. Levi saw Erwin's feet turn, military precision, and he heard the heel-toe march to the door. 

When Erwin was out of the room, Levi sagged, took himself down to the floor, and caught his breath. He felt tired. Rubbing his eyes with his hands, Levi focused on evening his breathing. Even though it wasn't the worst argument they had ever endured, Levi felt like he fought harder than ever, and still he hadn't won. One hundred and twenty days of punishment was headed his way. 

But he couldn't stay down there long because Petra was on the way, and he wanted to look alright. After what she had seen, he needed to look alright for her. He supported his weight, stood, and walked over to the hospital bed, considered laying down. If he did that, he would look sick, and he settled for pacing the floor instead. He counted floor tiles while he waited, and he pushed his hands through his hair, hoping that he looked alright, maybe a little like himself. If he could erase the image she had seen in the emergency room, he needed to do it then, because he wasn't going to be able to give her a different idea of him for several months after this. 

When someone knocked on the door, Levi leaned over the hospital bed and caught the breath that had been knocked out of him. 

“Calm down,” he whispered to himself. “Shut up and calm down. Stand up and look her.” He took a breath, straightened out, turned around and looked at the door. “Yeah.” 

The door opened, and Petra flew in, probably didn't mean to slam the door behind her and did it anyway, dropped a tote bag, crossed the space and had her arms around his neck before he even got a good look at her. But Levi fell into the hug, wrapped his arms around her, and squeezed while she practically screamed into his chest. He forgot how small she was. And when he breathed in the perfume of her shampoo, Levi sagged back against the bed, not able to hold up both of their weight. 

Petra sobbed into his hospital gown, soaking through the thin fabric until it stuck to the skin of his chest, and he hoped that she wouldn't ever move. Hello and goodbye. Levi buried his face into the crook of her neck and shoulder, closing his eyes, holding on to her, and tried to remember all of the things that he meant to say when he saw her again. But he couldn't remember a single one of them. 

When Petra's breathing began to regulate, and she was only sniffling, Levi lifted his head, opened his eyes and looked at the opposite side of the room. His knees felt weak, and leaning against the bed didn't feel like so much support anymore, but if he would withstand the burn in his calves if they could stay like that just a little longer. 

“The Commander says that you're going,” Petra said, her voice breaking. Levi swallowed. The hot prickling in his eyes came on too fast to try and stop it, and he didn't want to waste energy trying to stop the tears when he could be using it to talk to her. 

“I won't be gone long,” he said. It wasn't true. But he hoped it wouldn't be as long for her as it was for him. 

“I'm so proud of you,” she said. His jaw tensed until his teeth hurt, and he could feel his insides trembling. He sniffed. “Not everyone can do it, Captain, but I knew you could.” 

“It has to be done,” he said, only because it sounded right. He wasn't sure if it was true. He was still convinced that rehab wouldn't work. He reached up and rubbed the tears away from his face roughly. Levi pulled back. “Look at me.” 

Petra leaned back, her face splotched, ruined from having it pressed against wet gown, and Levi pushed the red hairs away that were stuck to her skin. She smiled at him, and he grinned. When she started laughing, his smile spread a little further. It was smothered when he thought of the question. 

“What happened when you saw me?” Levi asked. 

“You screamed an order at me, and I fainted,” she said, her voice rising to a laughing pitch, and Levi smiled at her. 

“Tch.” Petra laughed. “Fainting on the job. Did you piss yourself too?” 

“No!” she leaned away from him, wiping her face with both hands. “Gross, Captain. Don't bring that up.” 

“I need to give you as much shit as possible before I go,” Levi said. Petra laughed and nodded. But it only hurt him to think about it. “Maybe Hange will fill in for me while I'm gone.” 

“It's only a few months, Captain,” Petra said. “I can go without for a little while.” Levi nodded, still looking her over, and shocked at how she looked in street clothes. In their first life, he had only seen her in civilian clothes a handful of time, and never paid attention. She looked different somehow, more real. 

Levi lifted himself up on the bed, and adjusted, smoothing the blankets out. Without being asked, Petra hopped up onto the bed with him, sitting next to him, and she started swinging her feet. 

“What order did I give you?” Levi asked. Petra shook her head. 

“Something about getting out of the way,” Petra said. Levi's thought process skipped a beat, there was complete silence, and he recovered. She had seen enough. 

“Sounds about right,” Levi said. She elbowed him in the side, but it was light. 

“How are you feeling today?” 

“I'm alright. Just ready to get out of here,” Levi said. 

“I think the Commander is working on that right now,” Petra said. “He looked like he was in a hurry. I wouldn't be surprised if you're not here for much longer. He hasn't changed a bit.” 

Levi's anger surged again. He didn't want to disillusion Petra so early, but Erwin had changed, and Levi had seen it. 

“We've all changed a little,” Levi said. “Some of us more than others.” He intended the comment to be directed at Erwin, but he saw the change in Petra's body language, like she was avoiding the subject. Levi's gaze landed on the bag that Petra dropped. “You dropped something.” He nodded towards it. 

“Oh,” Petra said, hopping off the bed. She walked over to the bag and picked it up along with a yellow legal pad that Levi hadn't noticed before. “It's for you.” Petra walked across the room and handed Levi the bag, but she kept the legal pad. Levi looked in it and saw a set of clean clothes and a folder. He hopped off the bed and went to the bathroom to change clothes, closing the door behind himself. In the privacy of the bathroom, he leaned over the sink and closed his eyes. Seeing her was surreal. But he needed to try to maintain the normality for her as much as possible. Leave her with a good impression. 

_“Keep your shit together,”_ Levi thought. _“Her needs matter more right now.”_ Levi washed his face before he took off the hospital gown. 

While he was in the bathroom, he washed out his spit cup, grimacing at the tobacco washing down the drain, and he tossed the cup in the trash. He pulled out the fresh clothes in the bag: a pair of underwear, jeans, a long sleeved cotton shirt, and socks. Feeling better in fresh clothes, he stuffed the dirty ones in the bag and walked out of the bathroom and over to the bed. He sat down again. 

“What's that?” 

“The Commander asked me to do a little exercise,” Petra said. She held out the legal pad, and Levi saw her swooping handwriting across it, written in English, words, entire paragraphs crossed out. “He said I should imagine what I would have wanted if we had won the war.” Levi took the legal pad and looked at the small paragraph. 

> _When we win the war, I want to help demolish the walls. I want to marry Oluo. I want to build a house with him. I want to have children and raise them near Eld, Gunther, and Captain Levi. Outside of the military, I would still want to have some sort of contact with Captain Levi. I doubt he would settle down, but it would be nice to see him occasionally when he's in the area._

Levi nodded and handed the legal pad back to her. He didn't comment. Instead he pulled the folder out out of the bag, opened it, a list was on top of the paperwork pile. Squinting at it, Levi read it, feeling the irritation reach levels that he didn't want to show around Petra. He took the list out of the folder and handed it to her. 

Petra looked at it, read over it quickly, and held it against her legal pad as if there wasn't anything wrong with it. Levi flipped through the information for the facility and found all of the paperwork that he needed to fill out at the back of the folder. 

Closing the folder, Levi reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. When he turned on the screen, he saw that he had plenty of battery for all of the calls. He reached over and took the list from Petra. 

Levi dialed the number for work, and he put the phone up to his ear. It only rang once, and he didn't feel ready. 

“Thank you for calling Dr. Guzman's office, this is Nicole, how may I help you?” 

“Hey, Nicole, it's Landon. Is the doc around?” 

“Oh, hey, Landon! Mary told me about your accident, are you feeling better?” 

“Yeah. Let me talk to Elena really fast,” Levi said. No time for pleasantries. Just band-aids. 

“Oh, sure. Just one second.” Nicole put him on hold. Levi adjusted in his seat, and Petra sat quietly, waiting with him. She wasn't reaching out to comfort him at all, and that made him feel better. Someone picked up the phone. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey doc, it's Landon,” Levi said. 

“Hello, Landon. I'm so glad to hear from you,” she said. “Are you feeling better?” 

“No, not really,” Levi said. 

“Well, don't worry about coming in tomorrow if you're not up for it. Leaning over all day isn't going to be good for your ribs.” 

“Actually, I uh-” Levi stopped, cleared his throat even. “I need to quit, Elena.” No response. “I'm sorry I couldn't give notice.” Levi waited, and he wished that she could hurry up and ask all the questions and get it over with. 

“That's not... exactly what I expected to hear. Are you okay?” 

_“My mother died. My dad is sick. My rich uncle died, and I'm moving into his haunted house,”_ Levi thought. “I'm going to rehab.” More silence. A much longer silence. “I never stole from you, Elena. I wouldn't do that.” He had to fill the silence with something, anything.

“I know you haven't,” she said. “We're too small to miss anything.” 

“I'm sorry, Elena,” Levi said. 

“No, you need to take care of yourself first,” she said. A little ray of hope started shining. “You're a hard worker, and I appreciate what you did here.” Hope became a possibility. “I don't know if I'll ever find a hygienist as thorough as you. But I know wherever you go when you're finished will be just as grateful to have you.” Hope crushed, the light died. 

“Thanks, Elena,” Levi said. He hung up. And the whole office would know by quitting time. He didn't look at Petra before he started dialing Derrick. 

Derrick didn't answer, his voicemail picked up. Good.

“Hey, Derrick. I'm on the way to rehab. Could you find another sponsor for Stephen? He needs it. Thanks, man,” Levi said. He ended the call. 

Levi turned off his phone and handed it to Petra. 

“Give that to Hange when you see her,” he said. 

“Yes, sir,” she said. Levi didn't need to call Stephen. Derrick could explain it better. And calling his doctor seemed stupid. If he didn't show up for his appointments or didn't fill his prescriptions, no one was going to call and ask why. 

“Give me your notepad,” Levi said. Petra handed it to him. He took out the pen that was tucked into the pages, flipped over to the next page and started writing. 

Levi wrote down the username and password that he used to log into the website of his cellphone provider to pay his bill. He wrote down the price of the monthly bill so Erwin would know what to expect. Then, he wrote down that the rent for his apartment had to be paid in person with a money order, and he wrote down the amount. Levi couldn't think of anything else that he owed. Being homeless and junk poor for so many years made his situation simple. He couldn't afford bills for so long that he didn't create many of them when he was functional again. 

With all of the information written out, Levi gave the legal pad and pen back. 

“Hange needs that too,” Levi said. 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Let's look through this,” Levi said, turning back to the facility information. Erwin had printed out the entire website and reviews from people who had gone. When Levi looked through the pictures of the staff, his eyes settled on one guy, dark skin, giant scar on his cheek, looked like an asshole. A few pages later, his eyes fell on the address. “What the fuck?” 

“What?” Petra asked, leaning closer. 

“He's sending me to South Carolina,” Levi said. 

“Yeah. He said that all of the other facilities in the area weren't good enough,” Petra said. 

All of the anger that Levi felt settled firmly into resentment. He closed the folder and set it down next to him. Petra was rigid next to him, and he didn't say anything to comfort her. 

Erwin wasn't just punishing him. He was sending him an entire state away. Levi shook his head. 

“South Carolina's too far away. I'm not going,” Levi said. He looked at Petra. She would agree. She had to agree. That was too far. Petra looked at him. 

“Why not?” 

“It's too far away, Petra. I'm not going that far,” Levi said. 

“But none of the facilities in the area are as good as this one,” Petra said. She reached over him and grabbed the folder. Levi knocked it out of her hands, everything spilled to the floor, and Petra leaned back from him. 

“It doesn't matter how fucking good it is, I'm not going that far away,” Levi said. Petra furrowed her eyebrows at him, face hardened. 

“Why? What are you so afraid of?” 

“Watch it, Petra.” 

“Why?” she asked. A red hot slice of fury ran across his brain. Petra never questioned him. “I've never heard you second guess yourself before. And I've definitely never heard you second guess the Commander.” Levi searched her face, and he saw in her what he felt when he looked at Erwin, the resentment for violated boundaries. He couldn't show his temper, or she might never respect him again. 

“If I'm that far away and something happens, it will take hours for me to get back,” Levi said. 

“Nothings going to happen,” Petra said, shaking her head. She put her hand on his forearm. “Everyone's going to be alright, Captain. It's time to think about yourself.” Levi glanced at her hand on his arm. Her hand was just below the worst of his scars, even though she couldn't see them. But he could feel her hand near the raised, battered skin. He looked at her. She took her hand away, still abiding by the imaginary ranks of their first life. And Levi wanted to keep it that way. If he refused to go at this point, he might as well leave and never see her again. 

She slipped off the bed and started collecting the paperwork. He leaned over, elbows to his knees and watched her pick everything up, ran his hands through his hair. When she was done, she stood up straight and handed the folder back to him. Levi took it and opened it again, looking at the printouts of the website. Petra sat back on the bed and doodled on her legal pad, entertaining herself while Levi read. 

When he read the basic routine for recovery, he understood why Erwin chose it. There was heavy emphasis on physical training and veterans. He couldn't stand that Erwin knew him so well. Disadvantage continued to hit him hard. 

While they waited, he considered filling out some of the paperwork, but he didn't want Petra to stop doodling. She wasn't actually making any drawings, but she was drawing shapes and filling them in with ink. A few times, he stared while she did it, lost in thought, and soothed by watching the pen move over the paper. 

They didn't wait much longer before the nurse came into the room to tell Levi that he was being released after a final check up with the doctor. When the doctor stopped by, he listened to Levi's lungs once more, and then he was free to go. They didn't tell him to stop by the financial office on his way out, and he guessed that Erwin had taken care of it already. If not, Erwin would take care of it later. He didn't have the money to pay for everything even with his insurance. 

Levi and Petra walked out of the hospital, and he walked half a step behind her to follow her to her car. A few lanes down, Petra turned, and Levi followed her. He didn't have to guess where she was parked though because Erwin was leaning against a little blue sedan with Levi's duffle bag next to his feet. Erwin was smoking a cigarette, and Levi's mouth watered. He had forgotten the tin of dip in the hospital room, hadn't even remembered where he had left it, and he wondered if Petra cared if he smoked in her car. He was going to need it. 

Erwin was looking off into the distance, seemed to be far away, and Levi wished that he would look at him instead. It was already late afternoon, and Levi hated the way the late sun made Erwin's hair shine. When Erwin heard footsteps, he looked over to them, but his face didn't respond. 

Levi took a step farther than Petra so he would get to Erwin first. He closed the distance faster than he expected, and the Commander watched him. 

When he was in front of the Erwin, Levi took the cigarette out of his hand, dragged on it, held the breath. Petra didn't wait around, but she waved as she passed by, and Erwin nodded to her. Levi exhaled and listened without watching while Petra got into the vehicle and started the engine. The trunk popped, and Erwin opened it, putting Levi's duffle bag into the trunk. 

“Hange didn't tell me if you needed anything besides the usual things,” Erwin said. Levi dragged on his cigarette, pretended that he didn't care that Erwin's lips had been on it before his own. Rather than closing the trunk immediately, Erwin stood up straight and looked down at Levi. Levi didn't look up. He missed Erwin. 

Erwin pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his front pocket and held them out. Levi took the pack and dragged on the cigarette in his hand. 

“There's a carton of cigarettes in your bag, but you'll have to buy more while you're there. You have money in an account at the facility,” Erwin said. 

“Just like prison,” Levi said.

“You can call if you want.” 

“Fuck you.” 

Levi dragged on his cigarette, avoided looking at Erwin. Erwin closed the trunk of the car. 

“If you can't complete the program-”

“If I quit, I won't come back.”

He dropped his cigarette, crushed it into the ground, walked around Erwin to the passenger side of the car, got into the vehicle and buckled up. When he look over at Petra, she was texting. 

“Who are you texting?” 

“My boyfriend,” she said. “I'm telling him that I'm not coming home tonight.” 

“Why?” 

“I'm planning on moving in with Squad Leader Hange this week,” she said. “I just haven't told him yet.” Levi nodded. He didn't really care that much, even though he knew that he should. 

“Can I smoke in here?” Levi asked. 

“Yes, sir.” 

“You're sure?” Levi asked. When Petra put the car in reverse, she nodded at the air freshener hanging from her rear view mirror. Levi looked at it, rolled his window down a bit, and lit another cigarette. 

Petra pulled out of the parking spot, and Levi lifted his head, looking out the window. Erwin was walking towards his black SUV, his back turned. Levi took his eyes away from the window and looked forward when Petra started driving. He ashed his cigarette out of the window, and looked in the side mirror. He couldn't see Erwin in the reflection.

******

When Erwin drove up to his house, Hange and Mike's vehicles were parked out front. He pulled into the driveway, opened the garage, parked, closed the garage door and went inside. The smell of food hit him first, and he heard Hange talking. He slipped off his shoes.

Erwin stepped out of the mudroom. Nanaba was pulling a casserole out of the oven, and Moblit was standing at the island making salad and listening to Hange. 

“Hey, Erwin,” Hange said, stopping in the middle of whatever she had been saying. 

“How did you all get in here?” Erwin asked. Nanaba looked over at him, concern wrinkling her face. 

“Mike bought a set of bump keys,” Hange said. Erwin nodded. 

“All of your favorites for dinner,” Nanaba offered. Erwin didn't respond before he started walking to the back door. He opened it, saw Mike smoking a cigarette, and stepped outside. When he closed the door behind him, Mike glanced, but didn't look at Erwin for long. 

Erwin stepped up beside him, and Mike offered him a Marlboro Smooth. Erwin took it and lit it. Mike put his cigarette in his mouth, held it, reached down with his free hand and pulled a beer out of the cooler at his feet. He offered it to Erwin, and Erwin took it, twisting off the bottle cap and letting it drop. Mike lit his cigarette for him. 

After a swallow of beer and a drag, Erwin cringed when he felt Mike wrap an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close. He didn't want to be touched, and he pushed against Mike. Mike pulled harder, and Erwin dropped his cigarette and pushed back. 

Both beer bottles were dropped, shattering against the concrete of the porch, beer fizzling out, and Erwin stopped fighting, didn't say anything when Mike wrapped both of his arms around him and pulled him close. Mike held on tightly, and Erwin felt the temptation to break. But there wasn't time for that. There were still too many things to do. Sending Levi off was just the beginning, and he couldn't afford to let go yet. 

“I'm sorry, Erwin,” Mike said. Erwin stood rigid in his arms, and he realized that he was holding his breath, felt his face flushing from the lack of oxygen. He exhaled into Mike's shirt and winced.

Erwin turned his head to get some fresh air. He looked out at the back yard, the dead grass, remembered the few times that he and Levi had stood in the grass, thinking of the times that he and Levi had spent on the back porch. 

“We're all staying here tonight. Petra's coming after she gets back,” Mike said. 

“That's not necessary.” 

“It's just as much for us as it is for you,” Mike said. “You would do the same.” Erwin didn't respond. 

Mike patted him on the back twice and let go. Erwin straightened his clothing out and turned towards the backyard again. Mike got another beer for both of them, they lit cigarettes. They smoked in silence, and Erwin was glad that Mike was around despite the fighting embrace. 

Nanaba really did make all of Erwin's favorites. He ate a full plate. Hange and Moblit contributed liquor for cocktails after dinner. After they ate, Hange and Moblit, Nanaba and Mike ended up on the large sectional, Erwin sat in his recliner. They watched television, but Erwin was only paying attention to keeping his glass full of whiskey. He didn't contribute to conversation, could barely hear it anyway.

When Petra came in, Erwin lifted his head from the back of recliner and looked at her. He hadn't even heard the front door open. Petra looked tired. 

Mike muted the television. 

“Good trip?” Mike asked. 

“Yeah,” Petra sat on the couch, melted into it, and Nanaba brought her a beer. Petra sipped at it, leaned against Nanaba when she sat back down. Nanaba wrapped an arm around Petra and petted her red hair. 

“Anything outstanding?” Hange asked. 

“No,” Petra said, taking another sip of her beer. “He asked about me the entire time while he filled out his paperwork. And I watched him sign in, and I saw the room that they assigned to him. I put all of our numbers on his call list, and he gets to make phone calls on Sunday.” 

Erwin looked back at the silent television. 

“Thank you, Petra,” Erwin said. She didn't respond, didn't know what to say. The silence went too long. “Turn on the volume, Mike.” 

The television sound started again, and Erwin had a few more drinks before his eyelids were too heavy to keep open. 

Sometime in the night, Erwin felt a tap on his shoulder. When he opened his eyes, and looked up, it was Mike. The room was darker, except for the television still playing. Moblit was already asleep on the couch. Everyone else had left the living room. 

“You have to work in the morning,” Mike reminded him. 

Erwin put the foot of the recliner down, stood from the chair, almost fell forward and Mike caught his arm in time to help him balance. 

“Let me help,” Mike said. Mike wrapped Erwin's arm around the back of his neck, and they walked through the house, down the hallway to Erwin's room. In the room, Mike turned on the overhead light, and helped Erwin over the bed. Erwin laid down in his clothes, and Mike turned on the lamp on the nightstand. He covered Erwin up with the sheets before he walked to the door. 

“Come get me if you need something,” Mike said. Erwin reached into his pocket, pulled out his cellphone, made sure his usual alarm was set, and plugged up his phone. He reached over and turned out the lamp, and Mike turned off the overhead light, and pulled the bedroom door closed, but didn't shut it all the way. Erwin stared in the darkness for a while, and he listened for Levi's breathing. If he tried very hard, he could hear Levi breathing deeply in sleep, sitting in a chair, close to the bed. Erwin closed his eyes and counted Levi's breaths.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _And you'll feel better when you wake up_  
>  _Swear to God I'll make up_  
>  _Everything and more when I get back some day..._  
>  _Chasing dreams like I'm on novocaine_  
>  _Screaming through your airways_  
>  _Looking back I almost thought I heard you say_  
>  _Stay, you're not gonna leave me_  
> [ Wake Up by Eden ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YthChN1Wq8M)  
>   
> 
> Thank you to gouguruhedo for the beautiful  scrapbook fanart . 
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for supporting me for so long.


	30. January

Erwin didn't allow himself to count the days. When he woke up the morning after Levi left, he wanted to count it as day one. He wanted to claim the one-minute-at-a-time routine so everything would seem simpler, but he knew that he didn't deserve it. Counting the days meant that he expected Levi would come home.

Levi had left so angry, so obviously betrayed. And Erwin hated holding Petra above his head and sliding that knife into his back. In most interventions, it was considered reasonable to hold anything in front of the addict that would make them jump to save their life, but the morning after Levi left, Erwin sat up in bed, put his feet on the floor, and dropped his head into his hands. He had taken it too far, and there was no reason to believe that Levi could ever forgive him or want to reconcile what they had. Too far, too gone.

But Erwin forced himself out of bed. He maintained as much normal behavior as possible for the sake of the people who were forced to be around him on a daily basis. No one at school, even the faculty members that he had grown close to, knew that he had a partner. Erwin always made it clear that he wasn't married, and sometimes people asked if he was dating anyone. But he twisted words around until they were too embarrassed to ask for clarification. He preferred his privacy. Trying to explain all of it in a single sitting was unfair. Living it was horrible enough; spreading the story would only be toxic. 

For the first few days back at work, a few people commented that he still didn't look very well, inquired if he had been very sick. He assured them that he would be fine and was simply still recovering from a nasty virus. By the end of the week, he didn't feel any better, but he was able to maintain the act while he was at school. At home, he collapsed on the couch, mindlessly watched TV, and only continued the comfortable act when Hange called him for a nightly phone call that she had started making since Levi left. Playing healthy for her was easy. She filled the conversation and seemed satisfied enough just to hear a few words from him. 

The first week passed quickly. On Friday, Erwin messaged Armin on Skype to ask if he would be available for a video chat the next day. Armin was elated and used a lot of capital letters and exclamation points. Erwin gave him a time that they could meet online, and Armin agreed to it. He began planning out the conversation, trying to figure out how to gain as much information as possible while still being polite. He spent the Friday night drinking for dinner and watching The Twilight Zone. He watched the episode that Levi requested on New Years Eve. After that, he couldn't stand the show anymore. He watched a nature documentary with a monotone narrator and slept on the couch.

The next day, Erwin began mentally preparing to see Armin on his computer screen. He adjusted the arrangement of his office so the sunlight wouldn't affect the light on the webcam. And he dressed well, even wore nice shoes. For some reason, he felt like Armin needed to see a Commander to believe that it was really him. Erwin frowned at his hair when he checked it in the mirror. He needed a haircut, but he couldn't be bothered to go to the barber. So Erwin put extra product in his hair to try and make it look similar to what Armin would remember. 

Erwin sat down at his desk, unboxed the new microphone that he bought for the occasion, and set it up. After the microphone tested well, Erwin tested the clarity of his webcam. He adjusted his hair again before he signed into his Skype account, and saw that Armin was already signed in, probably waiting on him. Rather than sending an initial message, Erwin waited until the exact time he had given Armin, pulled up the message window and dialed. It rang longer than he expected, but then the ringing stopped, and the screen adjusted. 

When Armin's face lit up on his screen, Erwin had to take a moment to remember who he was seeing. The bright blue, clear eyes were the same, but the face was different. Armin was older, and his hair was longer. There were two silver rings shining from his right eyebrow and another ring in the center of his bottom lip. He had a green gamer's headset on with the microphone pulled down next to his mouth. 

“Commander?” Armin asked quietly. 

“Hello, Armin,” Erwin said. “It's good to see you again.” Armin broke out in a smile, and he instantly lifted a hand and covered his eyes. Erwin saw that Armin had tattoos on his fingers and on his forearm. Erwin couldn't see very many details about the tattoos. Armin's webcam wasn't very clear, and there was only light from his computer monitor in the room, but the ink on his hands was dark. Armin took his hand away from his eyes and rested his face in his hand, propping his elbow on what Erwin guessed was a desk or table. The smile on his face was a mix of disbelief and extreme, unabashed relief. 

“Oh, God, it's really you,” Armin said, a sob catching in his chest. Even though Armin's voice was wavering, Erwin could definitely hear the Australian accent in just the few words Armin had said. Erwin continued to smile at him, hoping that the shock would wear off soon so he could start asking questions.

“I'm sorry that it's taken so long for us to set this up,” Erwin said. “I'm a school teacher, and I've been caught up in the new semester.” 

“No worries,” Armin said, squirming in his seat a little. “You look exactly the same as I remember, but you have two arms again.” Erwin smiled. “You look exactly the same, Commander. I can't believe it.” Erwin chuckled softly. Armin put his hand over his face again, nervously playing with one of his eyebrow rings. 

“Tell me about yourself, Armin. Again, I'm sorry that I've been unavailable,” Erwin said. 

“There's no much to tell,” Armin said, but he took his hand away from his face, laying his arm down on the desk. Even if his words meant one thing, his body language was finally opening up. 

“I'm sure there is,” Erwin insisted. “How old are you?” 

“Eighteen,” Armin said. Concern settled in Erwin's stomach. “Nineteen in March.” 

“Do you still have the same birthday as the last time?” Erwin asked. 

“Yes, sir,” Armin said. He broke eye contact then, looking off camera at nothing from what Erwin could see. Armin was imagining something. 

“Armin,” Erwin said. Armin brought his eyes back to the screen. “I'm sorry if this is uncomfortable.” 

“No, no!” Armin said immediately. “I'm fine, I just,” Armin shook his head, dropping his eyes down to his hand before lifting them again. “I didn't expect to find anyone else.” 

“How many of us have you found?” 

“Two besides you,” Armin said. Erwin thought he saw Armin swallow, and Armin was still having trouble keeping his eyes on the screen. 

“How did you remember, Armin?” Erwin asked gently. He relaxed a little more in his chair, hoping that Armin would follow his example. 

“I saw Eren,” Armin said. “When I was twelve, we went to see my mum's parents in London, and I begged for them to take me over to France to see the Louvre on the way home. I wanted to see _Psyche Revived by Cupid's Kiss_. And they took me-” 

“I love that sculpture,” Erwin said. 

“Yeah, it's gorgeous,” Armin said with a smile. “I liked _Winged Victory of Samothrace_ too. Anything with wings, really.” 

“You're not the only one who was extremely attracted to those types of things,” Erwin said. “I'm sorry that I interrupted you, Armin. Please, continue.” 

“Yes, sir,” Armin dropped his eyes back down to his hands. “Anyway, my parents took me, and I was looking at the _Mona Lisa_ , and this kid, my age or maybe younger, runs up to the painting and starts complaining about how small it is and how he can't see it very well. I looked over, and I saw this huge flash of green,” Armin's voice tapered off. Erwin waited, took the time to mentally record what that scene must have looked like, and tried to read Armin's facial expression through the screen. “And I remembered everything.” The distress wasn't very obvious, but it was present. The way that Armin's blue eyes seemed to scan nothing in front of him. “Like watching a dream or a movie play in your head.” 

“That's how it was when I remembered too,” Erwin said. Armin nodded, but seemed to still be far away in his mind. “How did Eren respond?” Armin shook his head, making his long, blond bangs sway back and forth quickly with the motion. 

“He didn't remember.” 

“I'm sorry, Armin.” Armin smiled and huffed a laugh. 

“I got us booted from the Louvre,” Armin said. “My dad was so pissed.” 

“Why were you asked to leave?” 

“Because I started crying and yelling at Eren,” Armin said, laughing at himself. He lifted his hands and covered his eyes with his palms. “Screaming at him about who we were. Telling him to talk to me. He just backed away and looked-” Armin shrugged. Erwin didn't want to embarrass Armin any further. 

“We've all had similar reactions,” Erwin said. Armin inhaled deeply before rubbing his hands down his face. 

“Yeah?” 

“Squad Leader Mike found Nanaba in a Taco Bell. They almost got her fired,” Erwin said with a smile. Armin laughed, and Erwin laughed with him, making sure to express his smile as warmly as possible. Watching Armin's shoulders shake helped. “Commander Hange found Moblit in a Starbucks. They were almost arrested for disturbing the peace,” Erwin added. Armin held his sides while he continued to laugh. His face flushed entirely red, and he started nodding. 

“I can see that!” Armin breathed between laughing. Erwin smiled. It was pleasant to see Armin laugh so easily. He had lived through a nightmare, only to be thrown into another one. “I really don't know what I would have done if Eren remembered me anyway,” Armin said after he caught his breath again. 

“I'm afraid that you two might have ruined the _Mona Lisa_ ,” Erwin said. Armin began laughing again, and Erwin memorized every detail. He had never seen Armin laugh like that in their first life. In fact, he could rarely remember anyone bursting into a fit of giggles in their first life. “You would have ruined an international treasure. You'd have to leave your native countries, change your names, and be social fugitives.” Armin wiped at his eyes and nodded. 

“Yeah,” Armin grunted, coughing a little. Armin stopped laughing rather abruptly, and Erwin wondered if he had said something wrong. He didn't want to say something that would hurt. 

“You said that you found another one of us?” Erwin asked. “Someone besides Eren?” Armin sniffled and nodded. 

“Yes, sir,” Armin said, sitting up a little straighter in his chair. “Not one of the Survey Corps, but someone I knew from our first life.” Erwin's eyebrows furrowed. 

“A member of your family?” Erwin asked. 

“Oh, no,” Armin said, shaking his head. “Someone I trained with. He was killed before he could join a branch.” Erwin raised his eyebrows. “His name was Marco Bott. You've never met him, sir.” 

“That was the young man that you partnered with in the cadet academy to perform equipment maintenance,” Erwin recalled. Armin raised his thin eyebrows, his lips parting. “That's how you recognized that Annie Leonhardt had used his equipment.” 

“How do you remember all of that?” Armin asked, a touch of exasperation in his voice. 

“I was grateful to you for sharing the information with me,” Erwin said. “I knew that the Female Titan was in the 104th, but I may have found her too late if not for you.” Armin didn't respond. He still looked shocked. “When was Marco killed?” Erwin asked. 

“In the Battle of Trost, sir,” Armin said. 

“He remembers?” 

“No, sir,” Armin said. Armin didn't offer any extra information, and Erwin wondered why he hesitated. But the strangest thing was that Armin maintained a strong eye contact, almost showing a type of defiance.

“We could talk about this life for a while if you like,” Erwin said. Armin rolled his eyes and shook his head. 

“No, I've been waiting to talk to someone about this for years,” Armin said. “It's just so hard to believe that I found you.” Erwin nodded with a knowing smile. 

“I understand,” Erwin said. “Tell me what you're comfortable sharing, Armin. I literally have all day,” Erwin said. Armin cleared his throat. Then, he fidgeted, and Erwin waited patiently, remaining still, maintaining a look of interest without wanting to cause pressure. Armin reached for something, and he brought up a pack of cigarettes. Taking a cigarette out of his pack, he lit it and inhaled, careful to exhale away from the camera. 

“I was hoping I could get through this without lighting up in front of you,” Armin admitted. Erwin shrugged. 

“Sometimes I smoke,” Erwin said. Armin raised his eyebrows for a moment. “Not as often as I did in our first life.” 

“I didn't know,” Armin said. Erwin smiled. 

“It doesn't matter so much,” Erwin said. “However, if Commander Hange sees you smoking, you should be prepared for a lecture. Mostly due to your age.” Armin nodded. “Don't fall asleep around her. You'll wake up with nicotine patches on your arms.” Armin smiled and exhaled more smoke. 

“I didn't start smoking until I moved down here. Martin smokes when he drinks,” Armin said. “After I saw Eren, I started spending a lot of time online, looking for someone. I checked everywhere. Facebook still had filters for user searches, but the platform was too bloody massive to give me any results. The best filters for searching for people are dating websites.” Erwin nodded, a little bit impressed that Armin was willing to go so far. “And we have different names now. That makes it even more difficult. But I thought I should start with Australia and move out from there. It took four years to find Marco. His name is Martin Brown now. I didn't have the money to send him a message through the website, so I found him on Facebook, made sure I had plenty of face pics up, and sent him a friend request. We started talking.” Armin paused to drag on his cigarette and ash it. 

“He didn't recognize you, but he spoke with you anyway,” Erwin said. Armin nodded, dragging, ashing again. He didn't continue. It frustrated Erwin that Armin seemed to be hesitating for no reason. “Are you still speaking with him?” Armin nodded. 

“I'm living with him,” Armin said, lifting the cigarette to drag again. 

“Oh, he lived so close to you?” Erwin asked. Armin almost snorted smoke out of his nose. 

“He didn't, sir. I moved from Brisbane to Sydney last year,” Armin said. 

“Without your parents' permission,” Erwin guessed. Armin nodded before he took another drag. Erwin wanted to Google a map of Australia to see how far away Armin had moved, but he didn't want to risk distracting Armin. Discretely, Erwin reached over to his cellphone and turned on the screen to pull up his web browser. He didn't have to look away from the screen to search how far away Brisbane was from Sydney.

“I was eighteen, it didn't matter,” Armin said. Erwin didn't like watching Armin's face continue to fall. He searched for something to say that would comfort him, but he couldn't think of anything. Encouraging someone so young to abandon everything for someone from his first life was absurd, but he didn't want Armin to feel ashamed. The strange circumstances made it understandable. On some level, all of the veterans had done the same. Erwin glanced at his phone screen. 921 kilometers from Brisbane to Sydney. Armin had moved over 500 miles away to live with a man who was basically a stranger. 

“What was Marco like in his first life?” Erwin asked, returning his eyes to the screen. Armin perked up a bit then. 

“He was really nice,” Armin said. “He has the best smile. And freckles. He was a good soldier.” Erwin caught Armin's tone. It was safe to assume that Armin felt romantic towards Marco in some way. Maybe it wasn't reciprocated, but Erwin couldn't imagine that either. Some of the pieces were still missing. “Moving down here was Hell. I only brought one bag, and Martin has been helping me collect stuff since then.” 

“Is he still that way?” Erwin asked, smiling softly. “Is he still kind?”Armin nodded and smiled, turning his eyes to the camera for a moment before he turned his attention back to his cigarette. “I'm glad that you have someone, Armin.” Armin tried to clear his throat but it came out as an awkward noise that sounded like a mix of embarrassment and excitement. Erwin continued to smile. 

“It's weird talking about this,” Armin said. He shrugged. 

“It's not strange for me at all,” Erwin said. “I understand that this is a type of coming out process for you, and I want you to know that I support you.” Armin didn't look at the camera.

“This thing with Martin is weird,” Armin said. Erwin shook his head. 

“I can't imagine what would be weird about it,” Erwin said. Armin dragged on his cigarette again. 

“It really is,” he insisted, exhaling smoke, nodding to himself. His eyes were distant again. 

“How?” Erwin asked. Armin lifted his shoulders in a shrug and opened his mouth, only to be a loss for words and drop his shoulders again. 

“I don't think we really wants me,” Armin said with a smile on his face. “I think, we both want someone that we can't have. And it's the same guy.” Erwin tilted his head in interest and confusion. 

“That's how you've bonded?” Erwin asked. Armin lifted his eyes when he heard the Commander's tone, and he dropped them again. “There's nothing to be ashamed of, Armin, but I would very much like to understand what you're talking about.” Armin still hesitated, and Erwin was close to losing his patience. But Armin was different. He wasn't very sure about himself in their first life, but he at least had drive. This Armin seemed to lack quite a few things in comparison to the Armin Arlert that Erwin knew. “Look at me, Armin.” Armin lifted his eyes instantly. “I would like to hear the entire truth.” Armin held the eye contact for a moment and nodded. 

“Do you remember Jean Kirstein?” 

“Yes.” 

“He and Marco had,” Armin struggled. “They had a thing for each other. I never found out exactly what happened between them, but Jean really loved him. And then Marco died. And I sort of started having feelings for Jean.” Erwin relaxed. “Well, there wasn't any 'sort of' about it. I love Jean. But uh-” Armin cleared his throat. “I never found the right time to tell him. And now Marco and I are here without him.” Armin dragged on his cigarette, obviously ashamed. "Together." Erwin understood much better. 

“I understand now.” 

“That's bloody fucked up, right?” Armin asked, ashing his cigarette off screen. 

“Not really,” Erwin said. “Not at all actually.” Armin looked at the screen. “Even if Marco doesn't remember who he was, he's still subconsciously seeking comfort through you, and finding him probably saved you a lot of heartache and questioning. I'm sure that you were doubting your own sanity while you searched for someone that you recognized, especially considering that you were an adolescent.” Erwin paused, wondering if Armin wanted to add to it. Armin didn't say anything. “I was an adult when I remembered, and I believe that I would have sought psychiatric treatment if I had not remembered with someone. It's admirable that you've been able to handle these emotions so well for so long as a child, Armin. There's no shame in the way that you've found comfort. And if Marco, or Martin if you prefer, has helped you cope, even if it's because he reminds that you that you aren't alone, or if he reminds of you Jean, it doesn't matter. He gives you what you need.” Armin maintained eye contact through the entire explanation, and Erwin was glad that it seemed to make sense to him. Erwin smiled at him, and automatically, Armin returned the gentle smile. His eyes looked clearer. “Don't ever let anyone make you feel ashamed for taking care of yourself.” The words stung, and he thought of Levi. He had made Levi feel ashamed. But he tried not to let it show. Armin nodded, smile still gently lifting the corners of his lips. 

“Thank you, Commander,” Armin said. 

“You're welcome, Armin,” Erwin said. “I wish that I could have assisted you sooner.” 

“When did you remember?” Armin asked. 

“October 14, 2012,” Erwin said. He knew what question was coming next, and he prepared himself for it. 

“How did you remember?” 

“I gained access to an underground fight club, and I found Captain Levi Ackerman there that night,” Erwin said. He didn't want any follow up questions, and the only way to prevent that was to quickly divert Armin's attention with technicalities. “Commander Hange has hypothesized that we remember when we make eye contact with the person that we thought of last before we died.” 

“You thought of the Captain before you died?” Armin asked. Erwin smiled. 

“Captain Levi has comforted me during the worst days of my entire life,” Erwin said. “This life and the last one.”

“He's there with you?” 

“He's not here with me currently, but he is in the United States, yes,” Erwin said. Armin looked uncomfortable, and Erwin wondered why. 

“Is he still-” Armin didn't finish the question. Erwin didn't wait. 

“Is he still obsessed with tea and unnecessarily clean? Absolutely,” Erwin said. Armin rubbed his lips together trying to catch the laugh before he bent in half, put his forehead to the desk, and began laughing uncontrollably. 

“I forgot about the cleaning!” Armin laughed. Erwin smiled and laughed at himself. Suddenly, Armin sat up and looked to his left. Erwin heard a voice that he didn't recognize off screen. He couldn't understand what was being said. “Sorry, babe.” 

_“That must be Marco,”_ Erwin thought. But he didn't have to wonder for long because the sound of footsteps and the voice came closer. 

“Why aren't you sleeping,” Marco said. Armin looked back to the screen, and Marco leaned down over his shoulder. “Who's this?” 

“This is my mate I told you about,” Armin said. Erwin waited for Armin to say his name, but he seemed to be struggling with calling his Commander by name. 

“My name is Erwin Smith. It's nice to meet you, Martin,” Erwin said. Erwin had never seen Marco before, and he wasn't really sure what to expect. But Marco leaned in close enough to the screen that Erwin could see some of the freckles on his face. Then, to his surprise Marco smiled at him.

“You're an American,” Marco said. 

“I am,” Erwin said. Marco chuckled and smiled wider.

“Alex, this yank has the bushiest eyebrows I've ever seen. That's why you were laughing?” 

“Martin!” Armin snapped. Erwin only laughed in response. Marco laughed until Armin pushed at him, and then Marco seemed immediately apologetic. 

“Baby, he's laughing,” Marco insisted, trying to wrap his arms around Armin.

“Bugger off!” But Marco was stronger and pulled Armin to him anyway. 

“Stop being mean to me and I'll go,” Marco said. Armin settled down when he realized he couldn't get away, but he still looked embarrassed. Marco smiled warmly at Armin, and Erwin felt a little uncomfortable watching such an intimate moment. Then, Marco turned back to the camera. “Sorry, Erwin. I'm a little jealous that Alex is awake talking to you when he could be in bed with me. We had a big night.” 

“I didn't know I was keeping him away from you, or I would have insisted that we talk another time,” Erwin explained. Marco held up a dismissive hand. 

“Right,” Marco said. He pressed a rough kiss to Armin's temple, pushing Armin back a bit with the force. 

“I'll be there soon,” Armin said. Then, Marco lingered and whispered something into Armin's ear that caused his face to blush so deep that Erwin thought it might turn purple. Erwin glanced at the clock on his computer. Marco eventually leaned away from Armin and looked back to the screen. Erwin smiled at Marco, and Marco nodded towards him before he walked off screen. Armin turned and watched Marco walk away, and Erwin waited patiently. When Armin turned back to the screen, his face flashed through several emotions quickly, mostly apologetic. 

“I'm sorry, Armin, I wasn't considering the time difference. It's still early there,” Erwin said. 

“No! No, I'm sorry, Commander. I thought he would sleep through it.” 

“Have you slept yet?” Erwin asked. Armin shook his head. “Go to bed, Armin. Message me any time you like.” Armin smiled and nodded. 

“Thank you, Commander.” 

“Get some rest,” Erwin said. 

“Yes, sir,” Armin said. Erwin moved his mouse across the screen and ended the call. He sat back in his chair and smiled. Armin hadn't been alone like he had feared. 

Erwin felt excited to find another soldier. Excited enough that he wanted to talk to someone about it. He wanted someone to be excited with him. But he still didn't know very much about Armin. He had already decided that no one would know about Armin until he could decide if Armin was healthy enough to be around all of them. He wasn't even sure if Armin wanted to be around other soldiers again.

But Erwin couldn't tell anyone. Except for Levi. Who wasn't around. 

When Erwin looked at the clock again, he realized that he had been sitting in his chair for an hour and a half after the phone call ended, thinking about how excited he felt. And the loneliness was crushing. So he forced himself out of the chair and went to the gym, hoping to exhaust the excitement enough to be able to rest that night. 

The next day was Sunday, and Erwin kept his phone ringtone on the highest volume setting and told himself that he wasn't waiting on a phone call from Levi. He graded for a few hours, more meticulously than he needed to. And he almost jumped out of his chair when the phone rang. Petra's name illuminated the screen. Erwin answered. 

“Hello, Petra.” 

“Good evening, Commander. How are you today?” 

“I'm doing well, thank you,” Erwin said. “How are you?” 

“Worried, sir,” Petra said. Erwin dropped his pen and leaned back in the dining room chair. 

“Why is that?” 

“The Captain didn't call today,” Petra said. “I thought he might call.” 

“It's only been a week,” Erwin said. “I'm sure he's still adjusting.” 

“Yes, sir,” Petra said. She didn't sound comforted. 

“Would you like to go out for dinner, Petra?” Erwin asked. She paused for a while. 

“Normally, yes,” she said. “But I'm packing tonight.”

“When are you moving into Hange's house?” 

“Next week,” she said. 

“I'll be glad to help you move anything you need,” Erwin said. 

“Squad Leader Hange actually paid for movers,” Petra said. Erwin smiled. “She seems more excited for me to move in with them than I am.” Erwin laughed. 

“She's been trying to get all of us into that house for a while,” Erwin said. 

“That's what she said, and Moblit rolled his eyes,” Petra said. They laughed together, and he noticed when Petra stopped short. “Commander?” 

“Yes.” 

“Would you call the facility and see if the Captain is still there?” Petra asked. “I called and asked, but they said they couldn't tell anyone except for his guarantor.” Erwin's eyebrows furrowed. 

“Yes, Petra. I'll call you back,” Erwin said. 

“Thank you, sir,” Petra said. Erwin ended the phone call and immediately scrolled through his contact list. He found the number for the facility and dialed. While the phone rang, he rubbed his forehead with his free hand. If Levi had left rehab already, they would never find him. Erwin hadn't expected that Levi would quit so soon. 

“Wild and Free, this is Tish.” 

“Hello, my name is Ean Scott, and I'm calling to make sure that someone is still checked into the facility.” 

“I can check that for you. What's the name of the patient?” 

“Landon Armstrong.” 

“Hold for one moment.”

“Sure.” 

The hold music that the facility had was insufferable, and Erwin felt like hanging up and calling back. But then he heard the line change, the hold music stopped, and the phone began ringing again. He frowned and waited. 

“Wild and Free Recovery Center, this is Zim.” 

Erwin smiled and breathed easily. 

“Hey, Zim. This is Ean Scott.” 

“Oh, hey, Scott. How's it going?” 

“Good. I was just about to ask you the same question,” Erwin said. 

“You didn't hear from Landon today?” 

“No, and I didn't expect to. But his cousin called me and asked why he didn't call.” 

“The little girl who brought him up here?” 

“That's her.” 

“I kind of figured that she was going to be the worrier,” Zim said with a smile that Erwin could hear. 

“You figured right, sir.” 

“Don't start sirring me, Scott. I'm not that ancient.” Erwin smiled. “Landon's still here. He pitched a fit about detox and took the hard road.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah. He wanted to try cold turkey,” Zim said. Erwin shook his head in disbelief. “We've still got him in the med bay.” Erwin's lips parted in discomfort. 

“I'm truthfully surprised that he tried,” Erwin said, not able to hide the concern. 

“I'm not,” Zim said. “He was spitting nails by the time he got here. The director wanted him to stick to the plan, but I knew that he would only fight us harder. So we let him try it. He asked for his meth about five hours into full detox. It was a good try, but he's not ready to fight a dragon that big.” 

“So now he's taking it and the original plan is in place?” Erwin asked. 

“Yeah. He's going to be alright. But our toilets will never recover.” They laughed again, and Erwin wondered how Zim was able to take such horrible images and make them humorous. But Erwin knew that the pain that came with methadone detox was intense, and he felt guilty that they were laughing while Levi was suffering. “So yeah, he's still here and still pissed.” 

“I don't envy you for the next 120 days,” Erwin said. It was a lie. He would gladly take an angry Levi over an empty house. “I'll tell her that he's still there.” 

“Yeah. Tell her that he'll probably start calling in a few weeks,” Zim said. “Normally, when someone checks in they either start scrambling for attention or they drop off the radar. Landon is the second type of person.” 

“That's what I expected,” Erwin said. “I appreciate what you're doing Zim. Thank you.” 

“No problem, Scott. Call anytime.” 

“Thanks. Bye.” 

Zim hung up, and Erwin pulled the phone away from his ear. He dialed Petra. 

“Hello, Commander.” 

“If anyone at the facility asks, you're Levi's cousin,” Erwin said. 

“Yes, sir.” 

“He's still there. He just didn't feel like talking today,” Erwin said. “I didn't speak to him, but I spoke to the man who's counseling him.” 

“Oh, good,” Petra said, and Erwin thought he could hear her sigh of relief. 

“Where did you get the idea that he would leave rehab?” Erwin asked. 

“I don't know, sir,” Petra said. “He didn't say that he would exactly, but if he isn't able to finish, I feel like he won't come back.” Erwin raised his eyebrows. He never realized how perceptive Petra was. 

“Let's trust him, Petra,” Erwin said. “He's going to come back.” 

“Yes, sir,” she said. “I'm sorry that I have to go, Commander. But let's all get some dinner together this week.” 

“That sounds good. Be safe at work when you go tomorrow.” 

“Yes, sir. Good bye.” 

“Bye.” Erwin ended the phone call, took the phone from his ear and looked at it. Without really wanting to do it, he went to the image gallery and pulled up the pictures that he took of Levi and himself at the beach. The ones that they took in front of the ocean made him smile, and the ones they took in the bedroom made him ache. Eventually, he set his phone down, before he leaned over the table, and rested his head on top of the test papers that he had spread out in front of him.

******

Hange's eyes scanned pictures of the bacteria on the Powerpoint presentation in front of her. The microbes were beautifully mutated, and she wished that she had been the one to think of it. But Jameson had years of experience on her, and she wasn't surprised that he had been the one to splice the viruses together. The new virus would be absolutely deadly, out of control, and she was beyond fascinated, leaning forward in her chair, not listening to Jameson anymore, only focused on what she could decipher herself.

Mixing gastroenteritis and ebola was the work of a genius, a mad one, but the work that went into it was impressive. Both viruses were known to be so extremely contagious, and if this new splice of them was ever used, they would have little to no control. She took notes, her dark eyes cutting to Jameson a few times when he mispronounced words. He was an old man, and when he retired, she wanted his projects. Of course, she wasn't the only one waiting for Jameson to retire. Many people wanted to inherit Jameson's position, but Hange wanted his work. She wanted access to how he had performed the deed. And she hoped that all of the dead chit-chat that she made with him about his daughters, and his wife, and how many times he golfed would play a part in gaining the information when he left. If she could get close to him, he might suggest that she have clearance for the top secret projects that he had. Because if he was sharing his creation of a virus that removed all of the fluids from an animals body in a little over a day, Hange wanted to know what he couldn't show. 

The next slide showed a pair of rats, laying in the fluids that had been forced from their bodies too quickly, and they were already almost flat, even though Jameson insisted that the picture had only been taken 29 hours after administering the virus. Hange tried to translate rat to human, imagining what the virus could do. The virus would never reach a human, but that wasn't the point. The United States government cared about two things: having biological technology before everyone else and hiding that they had it until the right time. She didn't pay attention to the politics until they stood in the way of her work, and even then, she bent the rules as far as possible. 

Jameson ended his presentation, no questions were asked, too many people were writing. The next scientist approached the podium, and Hange smiled. She didn't know that Tiffany was presenting. Hange sat back, tapped her pen against her notes while Tiffany, obviously nervous, introduced herself. When Tiffany's eyes passed by, Hange gave her a smile, even a wave, and Tiffany relaxed after that. 

“Today, I'm presenting an investigation that I've been studying for over a year, and my team and I have finally been able to make some progress,” Tiffany explained. She picked up the projector remote and clicked to the next slide. Hange looked at the picture of assorted people. “The indingenous people in this photograph are the last remaining members of the Puana tribe, current population of last month is sixty people. They are still living in parts of South America that haven't been explored much, and they have a reputation for being violent. However, the people who are pictured with them are experienced Baptist missionaries who have spent years attempting to create a rapport with the members of this tribe.” Tiffany turned back to the crowd. “Two years ago, after returning to the United States, a missionary by the name of Arnold Hatcherson was hospitalized for extreme pain in his abdomen. He was given a high dose of Dilaudid and still complained of pain.” Hange leaned forward. “Xrays and CT scans revealed nothing, and Mr. Hatcherson was in so much pain that he begged for emergency exploratory surgery himself. 

“According to the reports from his wife, he was inconsolable and had no control of his bladder or bowels. Just before surgery, he could not remain conscious, but continued to respond to the pain he felt while he slept,” Tiffany said, some of her natural empathy showing. Hange began taking notes. “The anesthesiologists had difficulty anesthetizing him, but they eventually were able to do the exploratory surgery. When they cut him open, they immediately took photographs and sent them to us.” Tiffany changed to the next slide. Hange's lips parted, and she lost her breath. “As you can see, there are inorganic crystallized formations on his internal organs, mainly his intestines, bladder, pancreas, gallbladder, liver, and colon. Upon further investigation,” Tiffany changed the slides, showing an open stomach. “The surgeon found small shards of this crystal in the lining of his stomach.” Tiffany switched to a blank slide, and Hange felt like Tiffany's voice was echoing in her own head. “Mr. Hatcherson was quarantined while the hospital waited for our response. He died in quarantine. The surgeon overnighted a sample to us, but it was only a small sample from the stomach lining, and we were unable to gain conclusive results of its composition due to its size. Our instructions were for his family to be told that he died of dengue hemorrhagic fever. They sued for malpractice. After negotiation, the surgeon took the fall for us with a federal gag order and a generous severance package, and the family was satisfied.” Hange nodded. “But that didn't solve our mystery.

“We sent agents to the Puana tribe to ask about the crystals, to see if they knew anything about it. It took six months to get close to the tribe at all. After taking the time to create a rapport, our agents reports that the chief of the tribe believed that he had been touched by Kuma and was given the power to send solid lightning into another person's body. He claimed that he had done it to at least fifteen other tribe members for various reasons. He claimed that he had not given it to Mr. Hatcherson, but he suspected that Mr. Hatcherson must have stolen something from them. When asked what Mr. Hatcherson had stolen, the chief would not respond. The chief died three months ago, and we stole his body, forging the appearance of an animal attack. 

“When we brought the chief back to our facility, we found that his heart was encased with the same inorganic crystalline substance,” Tiffany said, switching to the next slide. Hange looked at the image of the heart, wrapped in clear crystal. “At first, we were thrilled to have such a large sample. However, we were unable to analyze the crystal while it was still wrapped around the heart. And we were unable to break off a sample of the crystal even with power tools.” Hange's mind raced, and she could only see Annie. “We removed the heart, and we've been studying it since then.” Annie encased in crystal. “Two weeks ago, we were able to remove a sizable piece of the crystal by carefully striking it with an iron chisel and a sledgehammer. We concluded that the crystal is an extremely hard type of quartz. Because the crystal is simply quartz, we concluded that this is an environmental or biological anomaly of people who spend at least nine months in that area of the country, it does not have a contagion factor, and we have passed the information and research to Dr. Arya in the Abberant Department of Medicine-” Hange stopped listening. The information and research were gone. If Tiffany still had it, then Hange could have it too. But everything had already left Atlanta. Tiffany was only doing the presentation as a formality of closing the case and passing it along, not because she had discovered anything. 

Hange sank into her chair farther, still staring at the picture of the heart in crystal. 

For a while, Hange had suspected that their first life had not taken place on Earth. They were in a different dimension, a different world, and the only thing they had left of it was each other. If she allowed herself to believe that the hardening substance that Annie had used had followed them into this life, she would spend the rest of her life chasing down that evidence. And she couldn't afford to do that. Hange wanted to have her life of discovery away from the memories of the war, the memories of loss. But she still felt bereaved to know that the information had been within the same building, and now it was gone. 

When Hange drove home from work that night, she called Erwin on the bluetooth phone in her vehicle. He didn't answer. She called until he answered on the sixth call. 

“Yes, Hange,” Erwin said. 

“Hey! I was just calling to see how your day was,” Hange said. 

“It was fine,” Erwin said. “How was yours?” 

“It was good! I found out that the hardening technique that Annie used in our first life followed us into this life. We found a crystalline substance in a few humans, wrapping around their organs,” Hange said. 

“That's strange.” 

“Yeah, but do you think it was the same thing, or is it a different thing? What do you think, Erwin?” 

“I'm not sure,” Erwin said. “You would probably have to break more boundaries of your security clearance before I could make a guess.” Hange laughed a long time. She accidentally closed her eyes while she laughed, and she had to swerve back into her lane to avoid a head-on collision. “Be more careful, Hange.” He must have heard the horns from the other cars. 

“It really freaked me out when I saw that today,” she said, sighing. She picked up the beaker from the cup holder of her car and took a sip of her Sprite. “I couldn't believe it when I saw it.” 

“But you deal with strange things on a daily basis,” Erwin said. 

“Yeah! But that's the first thing I've ever seen at work that reminded me of our first life so much,” Hange said. “You don't really think it could be the same thing do you?” 

“I doubt it,” Erwin said. “Annie had control over the hardening technique. Without the humans having a Titan ability, it's only an anomaly, Hange. But I understand that this a very unsettling coincidence.” Hange nodded. 

“You're probably right, Erwin,” Hange said. 

“I can imagine how frightening it would be to make that connection though,” Erwin said. 

“Do you think we lived on this planet the first time? And all of our history was lost” 

“I really don't know,” Erwin said. Hange took another sip of her Sprite, and she thought maybe she shouldn't ask the next question. But she needed to know. 

“Have you heard from Levi yet?” 

“No,” Erwin said. “I'm sure he's very busy.” 

“I hope so,” Hange said, her tone more serious than she intended. 

“He is,” Erwin assured her. “I have to go and make some dinner, Hange.” 

“Okay! I'll call you tomorrow!” 

“Han-” 

She ended the call. Hange knew that Erwin wasn't talking to anyone. If she didn't force connection, he might pull away completely. In their first life, she noticed the depression. It was impossible to miss. But she let Levi handle it. He had his way with Erwin, and she didn't want to interfere and possibly make things worse. She tired her best when the occasion demanded it, but she respected them, loved Erwin and Levi enough to give them their space. Maybe if she had helped Levi with Erwin in the smallest way, Erwin might have agreed to stay away from Shiganshina. Sometimes she felt like if she had done a few things differently, said the right things, Levi would have given Erwin the Titan serum. 

Levi wasn't here this time. And she had to make sure that there would be something left of Erwin when Levi came back. If Levi came back. 

Hange dialed Mike next. He answered after two phone calls. 

“Hey,” Mike said. 

“Hey, have you talked to Erwin?” 

“Not really,” Mike said. “Why?” 

“No reason,” Hange said. “Can we all get together for dinner sometime soon?” 

“Are you worried about him?” Mike asked. Hange frowned. 

“We should have dinner at your house,” she suggested. 

“Hange, he needs some time-” 

“Mike,” Hange said. Mike didn't say anything at first. “I don't want to say this, but I'm going to.” She paused, trying to find the right words. “You weren't able to see him like this the first time.” 

“I saw him while Levi was gone-”

“No,” Hange said. “After he lost his arm, he changed, Mike. And this is too familiar.” Mike didn't say anything. “I don't know what to do. I don't know if we should actually leave him alone, or if we need to pull him closer. All I know is that last time I was too busy being a soldier to give the situation any attention.” 

“Too busy trying to stay alive,” Mike corrected. 

“I know,” Hange said. “We didn't have time to take care of him last time. He was too busy trying to save the world. But now he doesn't have that, Mike. Teaching at a high school is not occupying all of his brain. We need to take up some of his time.” Mike didn't respond, and Hange looked away from the road to look down at the bluetooth display. Mike was still on the line. 

“We'll try it your way for a few weeks,” Mike said. “But if he pushes harder, we can't fight it.” 

“We can-” 

“We won't,” Mike corrected. Hange gripped her steering wheel a bit harder, grinding her palms against the plastic. “You know Erwin as well as I do, Hange.” 

“Yeah, I know,” Hange snapped. 

“So what are you worried about?” 

“If Levi doesn't come back, then we're going to lose him too, Mike,” Hange said, the threat of tears making her sinuses burn. 

“Don't think about that now,” Mike said. “Levi's been gone for almost two weeks. You're thinking too far ahead.” Hange sniffed, rubbed at her nose as if that would stop the tears from tying to come. “We'll have dinner here on Sunday.” Hange nodded, sniffing harder. 

“Alright,” Hange said. “Text me the time and whatever Nanaba wants me to bring.” 

“Do you want to come by the house and have a drink?” Mike asked. 

“No,” Hange said. “I'll see you Sunday.” 

“Okay.” 

Hange ended the call. She gritted her teeth, held onto the steering wheel tighter, had to stop at a red light. The tears finally came, running hot down her face, and she wiped them away, frustrated and immobile. 

*****

Nanaba set the another dish down on their small dining room table, and she turned to look at Mike. Mike grinned at her. Nanaba didn't wear a lot of bright colors, but she had a baby pink apron that she wore when she cooked a big meal. Mike bought it for her shortly after they had moved into the house, and she had grown sentimentally attached to it. He liked watching her move in it. 

“Hange is late as usual,” Nanaba said. “But it's not like Erwin to be late.” Mike nodded. 

“Don't worry,” Mike said. “He'll come.” Nanaba took off the oven mitts, tossed them onto the kitchen counter, and walked over to Mike. He set his drink down and pulled her close. Mike leaned down when she hugged him, and he smelled of her hair. 

“Would you call him anyway?” Nanaba asked, muffled by his chest. 

“In a minute,” Mike said. He planted a kiss in her hair, and she squeezed him tighter. When she leaned back, he looked down at her. 

“This family dinner thing was a good idea,” she said with a big smile. He sniffed and nodded. Her eyes searched him, and he wondered what she was looking for. “You've been quiet today.” Mike shrugged. “Are you hungry?” Mike shook his head. That seemed to confuse her more. 

“Not yet,” he said. Mike leaned down and kissed her gently. Nanaba ran her tongue along his bottom lip, and he leaned forward, pushing her back at bit, grabbing her by the hips. She broke the kiss and laughed. “What?” 

“Nothing,” she said, wiping her hand with the back of her mouth. Mike pushed his fingers through her hair before she pulled away and went to the sink to start washing dishes. 

When someone knocked on the door, Mike heard Blitz' toenails coming down the hallway, and she ran to the door barking. Mike left the kitchen and answered the door. Hange and Moblit pushed past him, saying hello to Blitz first, petting her. Petra came through the door, and Mike closed it behind her. 

“A puppy!” Petra said. Blitz pulled away from Hange and Moblit to smell of Petra. 

“Not a puppy,” Mike said. 

“She's still a puppy,” Hange said. 

“She's over a year old,” Mike said, walking away from the entry of the house and back towards the kitchen. 

“Every dog is a puppy to Hange and Petra apparently,” Moblit said, following Mike, holding a salad that they brought. “Are you going to buy Metal Gear Solid Five when it comes out?” 

“Probably,” Mike said. “I want to play the first four again before it comes out.” 

“Not again,” Nanaba mumbled from the sink. Moblit set the salad on the table and uncovered it. Hange and Petra came into the kitchen, Blitz sticking closely to Petra. 

“Where's Erwin?” Hange asked. 

“He's not here yet,” Mike said. He pulled his chair away from the table and sat down. Everyone looked at him. 

“He's not here yet?” Hange asked, taking her phone out of her pocket. 

“He's probably just running late,” Mike said. Moblit and Petra swapped a look while Hange put the phone up to her ear. Her eyes went blank while the phone rang, and Nanaba watched, leaning against the counter of the sink. 

Hange took the phone away from ear. 

“He's not answering,” Hange said, looking at Mike. 

“So he doesn't want to come,” Mike said. 

“Did you even tell him?” Hange asked. 

“Yes.” 

“You call him,” Hange said. Mike shook his head. Hange frowned, stepping closer. “What do you mean no?” 

“If he doesn't want to come, then I'm not going to make him,” Mike said. Hange's eyes darkened behind her glasses. 

“When was the last time you saw him?” 

“When Levi left,” Mike said. 

“You haven't seen him since Levi left, and you're not even going to try?” Hange asked, losing control of the volume of her voice. 

“I'll go over there and see if he forgot,” Petra said. 

“No, you won't,” Hange said. “Mike is going.” Mike crossed his arms, leaning back in the chair. “You don't want to see him.” Mike shrugged. “Why not?” 

“If he doesn't want to be seen, that's his business,” Mike said. “We're not his babysitters.” 

“We're his family!” Hange yelled. 

“What's going on between you two,” Nanaba said. Mike and Hange both looked at her, and she looked between the two of them. “I've seen you argue before, but this is different.” Nanaba's eyes settled on Mike, and she moved closer to him. He looked at her, and her eyes narrowed for a second before her face evened out. Nanaba looked away from Mike and to Hange, Moblit, and Petra with a smile. “Would all of you take Blitz outside please?” 

“Come on, Blitz!” Moblit called, moving quickly towards the backdoor. Petra followed, sparing a look at Hange. Hange didn't move for a while, but then she followed the others outside. 

Nanaba pulled a chair out and sat down at the table when the backdoor was closed. She ran her fingers through her hair, and Mike watched to see if she pulled. She didn't. But she was preparing herself for something. 

“I don't want to see him either,” Nanaba said. Mike raised one eyebrow as a reflex. “The first time was bad enough.” She looked at him. “But when you told me about this dinner, I knew it would be good for all of us.” Mike looked down at the table. “I don't know why Hange is so worried, but I trust her.” 

“She says that this reminds her of when he lost his arm,” Mike said. “That something has changed.” Nanaba reached out and put a hand on his arm. 

“Something has changed,” Nanaba said. “You've changed too, and that's okay.” Mike looked at her. She took her hand away. “You aren't talking as much. You didn't talk much to begin with, but I know that this has hurt you. To see him like that.” Nanaba swallowed hard enough for Mike to see it. “So it was good that we didn't have to watch him go through this after he lost his arm if what Hange says is true. But if we leave him alone, he'll fall away.” 

“That's not true,” Mike said, shaking his head. “Erwin isn't like that.” 

“Erwin isn't the type of person not to show up to dinner and not call either,” Nanaba said. Mike's eyes focused on her face, the subtle changes. “We haven't talked about it. But what would someone have to say to Captain Levi to make him do something that he doesn't want to do?” Mike looked away, arching his back against the chair, and settling again. “What did he have to say, Mike?” Mike rubbed his nose, cleared his throat. “Have you thought about it? Because I have.” 

“Yeah, I've thought about it.” 

“I have too,” Nanaba said. “And it scares me.” Mike looked at her. 

“Why?” 

“Because it must have hurt,” Nanaba said. Mike's gaze scanned her face. “It must have hurt like Hell.” She nodded at him. Mike nodded. “If we give up, then we'll lose the fight.” Mike took a deep breath and relaxed. He knew where those words came from. 

Mike pushed back in his chair and stood. When Nanaba stood, she grabbed his hand and pulled him to her. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her quickly. 

“Make him fight,” Nanaba said. Mike nodded down at her and kissed her forehead before pulling away and going to the front door. 

Mike got into his truck and drove to Erwin's house. He didn't want to see Erwin if it was going to be as bad as Hange said. Even if it was selfish, Mike knew that he didn't want to see Erwin ruined. 

Erwin's house was dark, and that bothered Mike. Normally, the light at the front door, or the light in the kitchen, some light in the house somewhere would light up the windows. When Mike knocked on the door, he considered that Erwin might not be home. But if Erwin wasn't home, then Mike wasn't sure where he would be. 

The lock on the door began moving, and Mike waited. The light over the front door came on, and the door opened. Erwin was dressed in his gray sweatpants without a shirt, and his hair was mussed. He hadn't shaved over the weekend, and he had a thin beard beginning to grow. 

“Did you forget about dinner?” Mike asked. 

“Oh,” Erwin said. “I must have.” 

“Get dressed and let's go,” Mike said, walking into the house. Erwin didn't close the door. 

“I'm sorry, Mike, but I'm not feeling well,” Erwin said. But Mike didn't stop moving. He walked into the dark house. The only light that was on to see by was the television, which was playing some sort of nature documentary, and there was a bottle of whiskey on the table. 

“You probably need to eat,” Mike said. “Have you eaten today?” He walked into the living room, turned on some of the lights, then moved to the kitchen and turned on the all lights there. A few glasses were in the sink with some sort of milk substance in them, but there weren't any signs of meals being made. 

Erwin walked into the kitchen, crossed his arms, and leaned against one of the walls. Mike looked at him and tried to smile pleasantly, but he knew that it looked wrong. He picked up one of the glasses out of the sink and smelled it. His nose wrinkled and he put the glass back down in the sink. 

“What's that?” Mike asked. 

“Soylent,” Erwin said. Mike cringed and looked at him, frowning. 

“Is that,” Mike said. “Is that what you call eating?” Erwin shrugged. 

“I haven't felt like cooking lately,” Erwin said. Mike looked him over. 

“So go put on some clothes, and let's go eat,” Mike said. 

“Mike,” Erwin said. “I really don't feel like getting out today.” Mike rolled his eyes and left the kitchen, walking down Erwin's hallway. He went to Erwin's room, tuned on the overhead light, and went to Erwin's closet. When he opened the closet door, he paused. Levi's things were still hanging up on the opposite side of the closet. Mike looked away from them. 

Mike reached into the closet, grabbed a t-shirt for Erwin, and he left the bedroom, leaving the light on. Erwin was in the same place that Mike left him, and Mike unfolded the shirt. He shoved the head-hole over Erwin's head, mussing his hair more, leaving the shirt hanging on Erwin's body like a scarf. 

“Put on some shoes. Let's go,” Mike said. Erwin lifted his arms and pushed them into the shirt. Mike watched while Erwin put on some flip-flops, and then he led the way out of the house, Erwin following him slowly. 

Mike started the truck, turning on the heat so Erwin wouldn't get cold. At the house, Mike parked on the street so he could drive Erwin home later. 

When they walked through the front door, the other veterans were already in the dining room, laughing about something. Mike closed the door behind Erwin and walked towards the dining room, hearing Erwin dragging his feet behind him. 

“And then, we had this kid come in the other night,” Petra said. “He and a friend tried to steal one of those big construction cones from downtown, the ones that have sandbags in them.” Mike went to his seat and sat down. Nanaba had already served Mike and Erwin's plate. Everyone else had food on their plates, but no one had begun eating, except Moblit who was sneaking pieces of lettuce from his plate. “He threw his back out trying to drag it over to their car.” Nanaba laughed, and Mike smiled at her. 

Erwin came into the dining area, and he pulled a seat out, sitting down. 

“Hello, everyone,” Erwin said. “Sorry that I'm late.” 

“It's fine,” Hange said. “We just got here too.” Mike picked up his fork and started eating. Everyone else followed, especially Moblit, who began packing lasagna onto his fork. 

“Have you decided if you going to stay with nursing?” Nanaba asked Petra. 

“Not yet,” Petra said. “I'm still getting used to everything. And moving has distracted me.” 

“Why did you move in with Hange? Did you get enough the first time?” Mike asked. 

“Hey!” Hange said. Petra laughed. “I'm an excellent house mate!” Hange said. Moblit's mouth was full, but he looked at her. “Petra and I don't wear the same size, Moblit. It's different.” Moblit rolled his eyes and went back to eating. Nanaba laughed, and Mike smiled at her. 

When he looked at Erwin, he saw that Erwin was eating. Half of his plate was already gone. 

“Good lasagna, baby,” Mike said. Erwin nodded, not commenting, but still eating. 

“Thank you,” Nanaba said. 

“And the salad,” Hange said. 

“You made the salad,” Mike said. 

“I know,” Hange said. “I was complimenting myself. It's a good salad.” Petra and Nanaba laughed. 

“I helped,” Moblit said. 

“You cut up the vegetables, big deal,” Hange said. 

“I'm not cutting them again. See how good the salad is with whole carrots in them,” Moblit said. Mike grinned at Nanaba and Petra laughing. 

“You know I'm not good with a knife,” Hange said. 

“Uh huh,” Moblit said. 

“I'll make the salad next time,” Petra said, still giggling. 

“Yeah, Petra's actually really good at cooking,” Hange said. “I don't blame your boyfriend for still trying to get you back.” Petra shook her head, taking another bite. 

“Is he bothering you?” Erwin asked. Everyone looked at him, and Petra shook her head, trying to swallow quickly. 

“No, sir,” Petra said. “He's called a few times.” She shrugged. “I don't blame him. The breakup came out of nowhere.” Erwin's plate was empty, and Nanaba noticed at about the same time as Mike. She stood from the table and picked up Erwin's plate. Erwin smiled up at her, and turned his attention back to Petra. 

“What did you tell him?” Erwin asked. 

“I just told him that I didn't love him anymore,” Petra said. “Which is true, but-” She winced. “It's sad.” Erwin nodded. Nanaba brought his plate back, full of food again. 

“Thank you, Nanaba,” Erwin said. “You don't have to wait on me though.” 

“I know,” Nanaba said, sucking some meat sauce off of her thumb before she went back to her seat to eat. 

“Petra makes this pasta dish thing,” Moblit said. “I don't know what's in it. But I smoked a bowl, and I ate half of the pot by myself.” Petra laughed. 

“It was disturbing,” Hange said. “I've never seen anyone eat like that.” 

“I'll make it next week,” Petra said. 

Mike watched Erwin clear the second plate while everyone talked. He hated the way that Erwin kept his eyes down, not looking around the table, not following the conversation. 

“Are we going to eat over here again next week?” Nanaba asked. 

“No, we're eating at Erwin's house next week,” Mike said. Erwin dropped his fork and looked up, wiping his mouth with a napkin. Their eyes met across the table, and he knew that Erwin would object. He was waiting on it. Erwin reached over and picked up his glass of water, taking a long drink, maintaining eye contact. The table was silent. Erwin's eyes glanced around the table, at the faces looking at him. 

Erwin swallowed and put his glass back down, picking up his fork again to start eating. 

“That's fine,” Erwin said. He started eating again. Mike looked to Hange, and she was smiling at him.


	31. February, March, April

When Petra walked out of the hospital and the cool air hit her skin, she sighed. The night hadn't been very bloody, and she was grateful for that, but nursing was definitely in the category of “customer service” sometimes. 

One patient had come into the Emergency Room dehydrated from the stomach virus. Normally, that was a very easy fix. Start an IV, give the patient something for the pain from stomach cramps, and something to make all of the liquids stay in her body. Except the patient disputed almost every type of medicine that Petra tried to give her, claiming an allergy, or simply refusing. And as much as Petra really loved her job, sometimes she had to try and help people who were adverse to being helped. 

Petra walked to her car, looking forward to going home, eating some breakfast, and sleeping for the rest of the day. She liked living with Hange and Moblit. Both of them stayed awake late and woke up early, and she was able to get some social time outside of work that way. Her boyfriend, now ex-boyfriend, Jameson, always went to bed early. He worked first shift at a dyalisis center, and he had to be awake very early. When they were both off of work, it was nice. Otherwise, they hardly spent any time together. 

Petra unlocked her car, sat down in the little sedan and started the motor. She plugged the auxilary cord into her phone and turned on her favorite mix to listen to after work. A mixture of classic rock. But she specifically skipped to Barracuda by Heart. 

She bobbed her head with the beginning rift while she backed out of the parking space and drove away from the hospital. Listening to upbeat music after work, especially after a difficult night, always helped her cheer up. It turned around the entire day for her. 

While she drove home, she realized that she had been really proud of the way she handled one patient. A two year old was brought into the Emergency Room by his mother and father after a seizure-like episode. Naturally, the mother was in tears, and the father was as pale as a sheet. Petra began helping the doctor immediately, even though the baby was already stable. Another nurse stayed in the waiting area with the parents to collect information. The parents had made a simple mistake. The baby was running a fever, they put him in a cool bath as the pediatrician had suggested, but the bath was too cool. His body temperature dropped too quickly, and that's what caused the convulsions. There wasn't any permanent damage. Petra was assigned to taking care of the baby for the rest of the night, but she felt more like she was taking care of the parents. They gave the mother a Xanax. And Petra brought both of them a blanket and water to drink, a pillow for the dad who lightly napped by draping the top part of his body over one of the rolling tables. 

She was proud of that. That's why she enjoyed her job. 

Between the music and musing about the night, the drive home was fast. And Hange and Moblit lived closer to the hospital, in a nicer part of the city, in a gated community. But they charged her less than half of the amount of rent that she had been paying where she lived previously. Jameson wasn't very organized with his money, and Petra paid most of the bills. She didn't mind very much. But she was surprised by how much disposable income she had accrued after just a few weeks. 

So far, she hadn't missed Jameson very much. And part of that was because she missed Oluo too much to think of any other man. Some mornings, when she laid down to sleep, she would stare at nothing and wonder where he was, what he was doing. Maybe he was already married with children. The first time she realized that it might be a real possibility that she may never find him, may never see him again, she cried. Sobbed actually. Loudly enough that Hange came knocking on her bedroom door to check on her. Hange came into the room and attempted to comfort her. Moblit followed shortly, and they all three sat together and reminisced. Hange had been the one to direct the conversation to happy nostalgia rather than grief. She specifically wanted to relive the moment that she had high-fived one of the Titans that ran with its hands held up in the air, and Moblit started scolding her again, even after all of this time. That made Petra laugh. They stayed near her until she fell asleep. 

Petra pulled into the half-circle drive in front of the house and turned off the car. She collected her things, exited the vehicle, and walked up to the house. Hange had practically shoved a house key at her as soon as she started talking about possibly living with them. 

She let herself into the house and listened for noise. Normally, both of them were awake at this time, out of habit from waking up early enough for work. 

Petra's phone started vibrating in her hand, and she looked down at her phone. Hange's name was illuminating the screen. She smiled. 

“Good morning,” Petra said, hanging up her bag on the hook by the door. 

“Come out to the back yard!” Hange said. Petra's eyebrows pinched together. 

“How did you know I just walked through the door?” 

“The app told me.” 

“Oh,” Petra said. “Okay. I'll be out in a minute. I want to take a shower.” 

“Don't shower. You're just going to get messy again.” 

“Why?”

“Come see!” 

“Okay, give me a minute.” 

“But hurry!” Hange said as Petra was already ending the call. Petra went upstairs, changed out of her scrubs. She put on an old t-shirt with a hole in it and some sleeping pants. Petra put her phone in the pocket of her pants and went to the bathroom. She washed her hands, out of habit. She washed them so much as work, but she still liked to clean up when she came home. 

Petra went back downstairs and out of the back door. She stopped half-way out the door. 

Hange was sitting next to a small, plastic pool meant for children, and it was full of green slime. Moblit was sitting in a lawn chair next to the pool, with his arms crossed. 

“Do you want to play with some ooblek?!” Hange asked, dipping her hand in the goop and lifting it up to show Petra the slime. 

Petra laughed, stepped outside and closed the door behind herself. 

“Ooblek?” Petra asked. 

“Or slime,” Hange said. “Or non-Newtonian fluid. Whatever. Come on and put your hands in it!” 

Petra laughed and walked over to the little pool. She knelt down next to it and put her left hand in the cold ooze. When she looked on the other side of Hange, she saw several empty containers of borax, at least ten bottles of white school glue, and three or four empty bottles of green food coloring. 

“Did you buy this pool just for this?” Petra asked. She dipped her hand farther into the ooze and lifted some of it up. The way that it slowly slipped out of her hand felt weird, and it was too cold to be outside just to play with some slime. 

“I wanted to put it in the in-ground pool, but Moblit wouldn't let me,” Hange said, complaining a little, but she dunked both of her hands into the little pool, squeezed the slime in her hands, pulled some of it out of the pool, and threw the slime back into the mass of it with a satisfying splat. 

Petra laughed and leaned back a little. She was afraid of getting splashed, but it didn't splash. The part of the slime that Hange had removed simply molded back into the huge mass of it. Petra looked at Moblit, who was bundled up in his winter clothing, looking a little grumpy. 

“She got a whole box of borax into the pool before I caught her,” Moblit said. Petra looked at Hange, who was flushed from the cold and probably a little irritation. “Our PH is going to be so messed up.”

“It's fine. I could have made this in the pool. It's too cold to swim anyway,” Hange said. 

“Yeah, but when summer is here and you want to go swimming, we would have to pay someone to clean all of that out of the pool and make sure that it didn't completely ruin the pump,” Moblit said. Hange rolled her eyes and thrust both of her hands back into the ooblek. 

Petra picked up some more of the slime and dropped it back into the pool. 

“I think it's pretty cool,” Petra said. 

“Thank you!” Hange said, triumphant. 

“Everyone's against me,” Moblit said loud enough to be heard, but not loud enough to be serious. 

Petra's phone vibrated in her pocket. Her right hand was still clean, and she reached into her pocket. An unknown number showed up on her phone. 

“Oh, no,” she whined. 

“Jameson?” Hange asked. 

“Probably,” Petra said. “It's the Sunday before Valentine's Day.” 

“Give me the phone! I'll pretend to be a new boyfriend!” 

Petra laughed and answered the call. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey, Petra,” Levi said. Petra's eyes widened, and she stood up. 

“Captain?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Levi?!” Hange asked. Petra nodded at her, glancing at Moblit, who had sat up farther in the chair. 

“Is that Hange?” Levi asked. 

“Yes, sir. Do you want to talk to her?” 

“Maybe in a minute,” Levi said. “What are you doing?” 

“I just came home from work.” 

“How was work?” Levi asked. Petra huffed. 

“It was alright,” Petra said. “When you think of working in an Emergency Room, do you imagine explaining to someone why they need something to make diarrhea stop?” 

“I've never said no to a pill,” Levi said, with a smile in his voice. “I wouldn't know anything about that.” Petra laughed lightly, and she wondered if it sounded sincere. Making light of the situation seemed to be what he wanted. 

Naturally, the question of why he hadn't called wanted to jump out of her throat. But she had to swallow it. She had to pretend everything was alright for him. 

“I'm outside with Hange and Moblit. Hange bought a kiddy pool, and she made a bunch of slime in it,” Petra said, laughing a little. 

“Slime?” 

“Yeah,” Petra said. “Did you ever make that stuff? It's water, borax, glue, and food coloring?” 

“What?” 

“It's a non-Newtonian fluid. Tell him that,” Hange said. 

“She says that it's a non-Newtonian fluid.” 

“A what?” Levi asked. 

“Literally imagine slime,” Petra said. 

“Sounds gross,” he said. Petra laughed. 

“Of course it sounds gross to you,” she said. 

“Does it smell?” he asked. 

“It smells like school glue.” 

“It doesn't stink!” Hange insisted. 

“It probably fucking stinks,” Levi said. Petra laughed. 

“Ask him why he hasn't called,” Hange said. Petra looked down at her. 

“What did she say?” Levi asked. 

“She wants to know what you've been up to,” Petra said. “Me too. I've been curious.” 

“Mostly working out,” Levi said. “They have a really good gym up here. Sometimes we do a light version of PT.” 

“That doesn't sound like fun,” Petra said. 

“You mean you don't remember how much fun PT was?” Levi asked. Petra smiled. 

“It's a little different when you're in 3DMG,” Petra said. 

“That's true,” Levi said. “Anyway, what's been going on down there?” 

“Nothing really,” Petra said, looking at Hange and Moblit for some kind of support that she didn't understand. They both sat quietly, like they were waiting for something. “Just work. For all of us.” 

“How's Erwin?” Levi asked. Something about the question struck Petra. She felt like she heard a clicking sound in her mind. A single click. Of something that she had never noticed. 

“The Commander,” Petra looked between Hange and Moblit fast. Hange gave a thumbs up. “Is good. He's just working, like the rest of us. I don't know how he deals with teenagers all day. But it's been pretty boring around here.” Hange nodded emphatically. Moblit stood up from his chair and walked over to Hange, standing next to her. 

“Yeah,” Levi said. “How are you dealing with remembering everything?” Petra shrugged, as if he could see her. 

“Fine,” she said. “I've struggled with it a little, but living with Hange and Moblit has helped so much.” 

“You left your boyfriend?” Levi asked. 

“Yeah. He didn't take it well. He called. A few times. Sometimes from numbers that I didn't have in my phone,” Petra said. “I actually thought that he was calling when you called. Because I didn't recognize the number.” 

“Is he being a dick?” 

“Oh, no,” Petra said. “He just didn't understand.” 

“Yeah.” 

“But he hasn't been mean, or creepy about it, except for calling from numbers that I didn't know.” 

“Well, you can save this one so you know that it's me,” Levi said. 

“Okay,” Petra said. “I will. Can I call you sometimes?” Levi was quiet on the other end of the line, not giving an immediate answer. “Or you- I mean, you know- you can just call on Sundays when you have time.” She fumbled. She hoped it wouldn't bother him. 

“That's probably better.” 

“Okay,” Petra said. 

“I'll try to call every Sunday,” Levi said. “I would've called earlier, but getting settled took a while.” 

“I understand, Captain,” Petra said. 

“I'll try to call every Sunday from now on though.” 

“Are you able to call at different times of the day?” Petra asked. “Maybe in evenings sometimes?” Because she was thinking of the dinners that all of the veterans had been having at Erwin's house on Sundays, since that first time. If he could call then, she could let everyone hear his voice. 

“It depends on what's going on,” Levi said. 

“Okay,” she said. 

“I gotta go, but I'll call next week,” Levi said. She scared him off. 

“Okay, Captain. We all miss you,” Petra said, quickly, like he was leaving again. 

“I'll be home soon,” Levi said. “Talk to you next week.” 

“Okay!” 

“Bye.” 

“Bye, Captain,” Petra said. She heard the line disconnect on the other end, and she took the phone from her ear. She saved the number and stared at his name in her contacts until her screen went dark. 

When she looked to Hange and Moblit, they were looking at each other, having some type of nonverbal discussion. They broke eye contact and looked at her again. 

“Call Erwin,” Hange said. “Tell him that Levi called.” Petra nodded, unlocked her phone and dialed the Commander. 

The phone rang four times, and she wondered if he was still sleeping. But then the phone stopped ringing. 

“Hello?” 

“Good morning, Commander,” Petra said. Erwin cleared his throat. 

“Good morning, Petra,” he said. “How are you today?” 

“I'm doing fine, sir. Did I wake you up?” 

“I needed to wake up anyway,” he said, his voice still thick with sleep. 

“I'm sorry, Commander,” Petra said, looking to Hange. “But I wanted to tell you that the Captain called me this morning.” Silence on the other end for a moment. And then long enough that Petra took the phone away from her ear to see if the call had been disconnected. 

“I'm glad to hear that,” Erwin said. Petra put the phone back to her ear. “Does he sound like he's doing well?” 

“He says that he's exercising a lot,” she said. “But he didn't offer a lot of details.” Erwin was quiet again. 

“It's good that he called,” Erwin said. “Thank you for calling to tell me.” 

“Squad Leader Hange told me to,” Petra said, and she felt like a soldier again, passing the direction back to a superior. 

“Did he talk to Hange or Moblit?” Erwin asked. 

“In a way,” Petra said, laughing a little bit. “Hange yelled at him a few times.” 

“That's good,” Erwin said, tone completely flat. 

“Yes, sir,” she said, unsure of how to continue the conversation. He sounded disinterested. Or maybe he was half-asleep. “I'll let you get some more sleep, but we'll see you at dinner.” 

“I'll see you this evening then,” he said. “Goodbye.” 

“Goodbye, sir,” Petra said, hanging up the phone before he could say anything else. Then, she frowned at the phone in her hand, because she wasn't sure why she wanted to end the call so fast. 

Petra looked to Hange and Moblit again. Hange was squishing the slime in the pool, not smiling or enjoying herself anymore. Moblit was sitting on the ground next to her. They both looked to be deep in thought, in their own ways. 

She didn't understand what happened between talking to the Captain and talking to the Commander. But the mood changed significantly. While she was on the phone with Levi, they both seemed to be excited, and curious. Then, they seemed to be absorbed with making sure that Erwin knew Levi had called. And now, they were gone, somewhere else. 

“Let's go in and have some more coffee,” Moblit suggested. 

Hange took her hand out of the slime and stood, wiping her hands on the jeans she was wearing. Moblit stood, and Petra watched both of them walk past her, towards the back door to go inside. She followed, but felt nervous and didn't know why. 

Petra followed both of them into the kitchen, and Hange took a seat at the bar while Moblit went to the coffee maker. 

“You could go shower now,” Hange said. “By the time you're done, the coffee will be ready. We'll make a cup of tea for you.” Petra watched the two of them, confused and upset, but with no apparent reason. “And then we'll tell you what you need to know.” Hange looked at her. 

Petra nodded. Something in Hange's voice changed. Even on the battlefield, Petra had never heard that tone before. It was commanding. 

Petra put her phone on the kitchen island, because it felt right, in case Levi or Erwin called back. And then Hange could answer the call. 

She knew that she needed to shower fast. But she became lost in thought after she put conditioner in her hair. She stood in the shower, stared at the brown tile wall, and wondered what had happened after she died. A few times, she had wondered what happened after she was gone. She had wondered about it often and was too afraid to ask about it. It was too much to think about. Did they win the war? Were the Titans eliminated? They must have been. And what horrible thing had happened afterwards? 

The Captain's addiction was tragic. Heroin had taken things away from him. There seemed to be so much more to the story that she didn't know. And it was affecting everyone. 

Petra washed the conditioner out of her hair, got some of the suds in her eyes, making them sting. She flushed out her eyes with clean water. 

When she stepped out of the shower, she rubbed her eyes with her towel before drying off. The conditioner had stung, but not enough to distract her from the things that she didn't know. Petra dressed in some fresh sleeping clothes, and she went back downstairs. 

The kitchen was silent. Moblit was standing on the other side of the kitchen island, leaning over his cup of coffee. Hange was still sitting, drinking from her own coffee mug. Petra's mug was full of chamomile tea and set on the kitchen island. She sat down on the other stool and looked at both of them. 

“Thank you for the tea,” she said to Moblit. “It will help me sleep.”

“Hopefully,” Moblit said.

“Moblit and I have discussed it,” Hange said. “And we're going to tell you what you need to know to make more sense of this situation.” Hange looked at her. Moblit looked to Hange. “I know that you won't be reckless with this information, but I still feel like I should say,” Hange stopped and took a sip of her coffee, nervously. 

“If you have any questions about it, you should ask us,” Moblit said. Petra looked at him. “You're going to find out anyway.” Petra nodded. “If everything goes right,” Moblit added. Petra looked at Hange, who looked really upset. She had her eyes closed. Then, Hange looked at Petra, and Petra realized that Hange had only closed her left eye. 

“Is your eye okay?” Petra asked. Hange reached up and rubbed the closed eyelid. 

“Yeah,” Hange said. Hange blinked rapidly a few times, and both of her eyelids began functioning properly again. 

Petra drank some of her tea, and Hange and Moblit were quiet. Hange took another swallow of her coffee. 

“I've never had to tell anyone before,” Hange said. “So it's weird. And I'm just going to say it.” 

“Okay,” Petra muttered. 

“Erwin and Levi,” Hange frowned, and she shook her head. She looked at Petra. “Didn't you ever notice that they were very close?” Petra thought about it. Of course they were close. Commander and Captain. They called the Captain the Commander's guard dog. The Commander's right hand. The Captain had many names, and some of them directly referenced the Commander. Because that was their relationship. But Hange meant something different because she looked away, down into her coffee mug. 

“I guess,” Petra said. Hange rubbed her lips together. 

“I mean didn't you notice how much private time they spent together?” Hange asked, not looking at Petra this time.

“Private time?” Petra asked. Moblit raised his eyebrows. “Like the dinners they had after an expedition? Or budget meetings? I remember the Captain wouldn't go to the bar with us after expeditions sometimes because he had-” Petra's mind was rejecting the idea. Already, she was rejecting the idea that there had been something more. But Hange was nodding. “He had plans.” 

“He had plans with Erwin,” Hange said quietly. “And sometimes those plans didn't end until the next morning.” 

Petra's brow furrowed, and she stared at Hange. Moblit was looking at her, almost sympathetic. Hange rubbed her forehead. Then, Hange took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes. 

“There weren't a lot of people who knew,” Moblit said. Petra looked to him. “There were only a few of us who knew. Officers. But even some of the officers didn't know.” 

“Didn't know what?” 

“That the Commander and Captain were together,” Moblit said. “I mean-” he shrugged and shook his head. “That's what you would call it now anyway. They were in a relationship then. But-”

“We didn't think of it like that then,” Hange said. “In front of us, they were always professional. Absorbed in their roles. They never showed any-” She shrugged. “You couldn't tell there was anything between them in public.” Hange drank some more of her coffee. 

“But sometimes they would both come out of the Commander's quarters in the morning,” Moblit said. “And it was easy enough to say that they had been awake all night working. The first few times that it happened.” 

“Unless they were running late that morning and were still dressing after they came out of Erwin's quarters,” Hange said. 

“Then, it started happening more frequently. And we just didn't say anything,” Moblit said. “Because it didn't really affect us.”

“Because we didn't care,” Hange said. “Because if that's what they needed to get through what we had to do in a day, then it didn't matter. If they found some comfort in each other, after all of horrible decisions they had to make a daily basis, it didn't matter.” 

Petra looked between the two of them, her eyes widening as they both filled in the story, and she couldn't stop the idea anymore. The image of the Commander and Captain exiting the same quarters in the morning. One of them half-dressed. The other one looking more tired than he should. And the way that the Captain wasn't as irritable some mornings, and the occasional time that he would smile after the Commander stopped by to talk to him while they were training. 

But weren't they always professional? Because she never noticed. If there had been any sign at all, maybe it wouldn't be such a shock. But the only thing soldiers shared about the Commander and Captain behind their backs were the examples of their ruthlessness, their heartlessness. The lack of humanity. 

“Did they-” she stopped, because the question seemed invasive. And based on what she knew about both men, it sounded inappropriate somehow. 

“Yeah,” Moblit said, understanding the question. She looked at him. “I think they loved each other.” Petra scanned Moblit from his face to his shoulders and back to his eyes. “I've never heard them say it. But sometimes the words aren't necessary.” 

She leaned over the kitchen island a little farther and looked down into her tea mug. She frowned while she thought about it. Part of it didn't make sense and specifically bothered her. 

“Why weren't they open about it?” she asked, looking back at Hange and Moblit. Moblit looked to Hange. 

“For the same reason that you and Oluo weren't completely open about what you had. More people knew, but you didn't advertise it either. We were too focused on surviving for much else,” Moblit said. He looked back at Petra. “I would guess that there was a lot of secret relationships, or relationships that never happened in the Corps, because of what we had to do.” 

“That didn't apply to all of us though,” Hange said, taking another swallow of coffee. 

“But why didn't they tell anyone?” 

“Maybe because no one ever asked,” Hange said. “But I think it was because they didn't want it to affect the soldiers. They're both so powerful on their own. Combining them in a person's mind-” Hange swallowed so hard that Petra could see it. “Well, you know how that feels now.” Petra nodded without realizing it. “And Erwin was still in a position to give Levi an order than would kill him.” 

“He wouldn't though,” Petra said. “I knew that back then.” 

“But if he had to,” Hange said, looking at Petra again finally. “Then he would. They fought for humanity. They both lived a life of sacrifice. We all did.” 

Petra watched Hange's eyes until Hange looked away again. Things began to make more sense. Why the Commander was responding so strangely to the Captain going to rehab. And Petra's mind began creating scenarios about their relationship, back then, and now. 

“They're still in a relationship?” Petra asked. Hange shrugged. Moblit drank the rest of his coffee. 

“I don't know right now,” Hange said. 

“What happened? Why are they like this?” Petra asked. “Does this have to do with why the Captain began his addiction?” Hange shook her head. 

“Let's handle one thing at the time,” Moblit said. “We were already feeling really weird about telling you this part.” 

“Did the Commander give the Captain an order that killed him?” Petra asked. 

“No,” Hange said, looking at Petra dead in the eye. “Erwin died on the battlefield. And Levi stayed near him until the end.” Petra's eyes began to hurt, and Hange looked away. “In the end, Levi was right there. And...” she shook her head. “I think he would have stayed there, kneeling next to Erwin's body, if he had the option.” Hange closed her left eye again. “But he couldn't. So he left... part of himself there instead.” 

Petra stared at Hange, who seemed to be so broken in comparison to the memory that she had. The Hange that Petra knew was the Hange who was sitting in the back yard, playing in a child-sized plastic pool of slime. A Hange who high-fived Titans that ran with their hands in the air. The only Squad Leader who had to have an assistant to help her with “self-preservation management”. And seeing Hange with one eye closed, the eyelid twitching, with her hands wrapped around her coffee mug so tightly that her knuckles were white, Petra felt like she was in the house with a stranger. 

A boiling anxiety began building in Petra's chest. She knew too much and not enough about what had happened. Key pieces were still missing. And if the Captain didn't return from rehab, then she would either never know what happened to ruin the strongest man she had ever known, or she would hear it from someone else's mouth. 

When tears filled Petra's eyes, she wiped them away. Her throat began stinging from holding in the sob that had formed in her chest. 

“Thank you for telling me,” Petra said, forcing the words out. And she stood from the bar stool and left the kitchen with her mug. Even if there was more to tell, she didn't want to hear it. And she didn't want to see Hange that way. 

Petra went upstairs to her room, closed the door, and she made it to the bed before her knees gave out. She spilled warm tea on her lap, and she cursed quietly, looking at the stain. Setting the mug on the nightstand, Petra took her clothes off, wiped herself down with the dry parts of her clothing before tossing them into the hamper. 

She crawled under the covers of her small bed and curled up into a ball. To try and push the images from her mind, she thought of things she enjoyed, starting with puppies. She thought of the cute things she had seen on Pinterest during her breaks. And she legitimately tried to think of anything, anything at all, that could take her mind away from the image of the Captain, kneeling next to the body of the Commander. 

But she couldn't stop her mind from conjuring the image of the Captain kneeling next to the Commander, wanting to stay in that place until his life ended, and leaving a piece of himself behind instead. 

And even in this life, he still wasn't whole. 

*****

Moblit didn't want to go home. That rarely happened, but on this day, he really didn't want to go home. Because it was just a reminder that he had failed to do what he swore to himself he would do. 

But he pulled into the garage anyway. There wasn't really anywhere else to go. He picked up the two vases of flowers and carried them out of his car and into the house. Both bouquets were roses. Roses were Hange's favorite, but he didn't know Petra's favorite. And he was too embarrassed to ask. 

He walked through the living room and into the kitchen, setting the vases on the kitchen island. Moblit couldn't hear either of them, but that might mean they were upstairs or in the basement. His phone vibrated. 

Moblit pulled his phone out of his pocket and looked at it. 

_Hange: Do you want to go to the bar with us?_

Moblit cringed. 

_Moblit: Where are you?_

_Hange: Upstairs_

_Moblit: Come downstairs a minute Petra too_

He put his phone back in his pocket and stared at the roses. It was so embarrassing. It seemed like such a good idea when he went to the florist and ordered the bouquets. The florist even commented on how lucky he was to buy two bouquets. 

But when he heard Hange and Petra talking on their way down the stairs, he felt the heat creep into his cheeks. It was already done. He couldn't throw them out. Moblit turned around and leaned against the kitchen island, tried to remain calm. Tried to look aloof. Like a cool guy.

Hange and Petra rounded the corner, looking into the kitchen, and both of them broke out into beautiful smiles. Moblit's hairline itched. 

“Happy Valentine's Day,” Moblit said, but couldn't smile. Hange rushed over to the roses, and Petra rushed to him. Petra threw her arms around his middle and hugged him tight. Moblit returned the hug. 

“They're so fresh!” Hange said. “It's going to take forever for them to die and wilt.” Moblit smiled. 

“Thank you, Moblit,” Petra said, pulling away from him and going to the bouquet with the card that had had name on it. She smelled of the flowers. 

Hange pulled a rose from her bouquet and held it out towards Petra. 

“Thorn fight! Gird your loins!” Hange said. Petra picked up her bouquet and held them close to herself. 

“No! That will kill them!” Petra said, smelling of the flowers again. Hange rolled her eyes and put the rose back into its vase. 

“Petra wants to go to a single's night at some bar,” Hange said. 

“Hange, it's going to be fine,” Petra said. Hange cringed anyway. Moblit's eyebrows pulled together. 

“Single's night?” he asked. 

“I told you that we're not going to get dates,” Petra said. “We're going to get the cheap drinks. Drinks for women are half-price.” 

“I don't think half-price drinks are worth going out and curving people all night,” Hange said. 

“If you just tell them the truth, they'll probably back off,” Petra said. 

“You would think that. But so far every time I tell a man that I'm asexual or aromantic, he just tries harder,” Hange said. 

And that's when Moblit stopped listening to what they were saying. And he focused on the words. Confusion set in at first, and then it all began to make sense. Why he had never tried to tell her how he felt. How he had known it, had a gut feeling about it for all of this time, and he never even realized it until she said the word. But his heart dropped into his stomach anyway. 

“Are you going to go with us?” Hange asked. Moblit blinked, coming back to the conversation. He had to think fast. 

“I was actually planning to go check on the Commander tonight,” Moblit said. Hange raised her eyebrows. 

“I forgot all about Erwin,” Hange said. Her eyebrows pulled together, and she looked down at the floor. Petra looked at her bouquet of roses and smelled them again. 

“We should probably all go,” Petra said. Moblit shook his head. 

“That would probably be too much. It even sounds like a pity party,” Moblit said. 

“He's right,” Hange said, brushing her thumb against a rose. “But I feel really bad for not thinking of him.” 

“Valentine's Day probably isn't even a big deal for him,” Moblit said. Hange looked at him. “A lot of people don't celebrate it.” She nodded. 

“We could bring you some dinner,” Hange offered. 

“No, thanks,” he said. “I'll grab something while I'm out.” Hange scanned his face, and he knew that she would see it. He couldn't hide it. Wasn't even sure what emotion he was trying to hide. But she saw it. She knew him better than anyone. “I'm going to go get some things and head over there.” Hange nodded. 

“Thank you again for the flowers,” Petra said, while he was already walking away. 

“You're welcome,” Moblit said before he started walking through the house towards his bedroom. 

He took off his work clothes and put on some comfortable jeans and a Zelda t-shirt. After he put on his tennis shoes, he sat down on his bed and called Erwin. The phone rang twice before the Commander answered. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey, Commander,” Moblit said. “I was wondering if I could come by and hang out for a while.” Erwin didn't answer immediately. 

“That would be nice,” he said. 

“I'm going to stop by for some food before I get there,” Moblit said. “Can I bring you something to eat?” 

“Anything you want is good,” Erwin said.

“How about some Wendy's?” 

“That's fine.” 

“What would you like?” Moblit asked. 

“Whatever you have is fine.” 

“Alright,” Moblit said. “I'll be over in about an hour.” 

“See you then.” 

“See you,” Moblit said before he hung up. He packed a backpack with a change of clothes, in case he ended up spending the night somehow. Then, he stopped by his den and packed his stash bag. He knew he wouldn't get through the night without a bowl. 

On his way out the house, Hange leaned out of the kitchen and looked at him. Petra was talking about something that Moblit couldn't hear. Moblit smiled at Hange, and she didn't smile back. She didn't say anything to him before he left. 

******

Moblit pulled into the driveway of Erwin's house, grabbed his backpack and their dinner, and he left his vehicle. He rang the doorbell twice before Erwin answered. The Commander was only wearing sweatpants, and his eyes were bloodshot. 

“Come in, Moblit,” Erwin said. Moblit walked into the house and closed the door behind himself. He followed Erwin into the living room, and Erwin took his spot on the sectional, in front of the whiskey bottle on the table. 

Moblit set his backpack down on the other part of the sectional and put their food down on the coffee table. He slid one bag of food towards Erwin and kept the other one for himself. He set down two cups of Coke.

“I'm going to go smoke before I eat,” Moblit said, unzipping his backpack. 

“You can smoke in here,” Erwin said, putting his straw in his Coke. “It's too cold out there.” Moblit looked at Erwin for a few moments. Erwin leaned forward and opened the bag of food to look at it. “Sit down.” Moblit sat down next to his backpack, and the Commander went through the Wendy's bag. He pulled out the giant burger and began eating. 

After nothing else was said about it, Moblit packed a bowl for himself and lit up. He held the breath for too long, and he coughed a lot afterwards. But that was good. It was good weed. He face was flushed by the time he stopped coughing. 

Erwin drank some Coke with his burger, and Moblit took another hit while he thought about their situations. 

“How was school?” Moblit asked between hits. 

“Miserable,” Erwin said. “High schoolers and Valentine's Day are the worst combination. The girls compare their gifts, and the boys are aiming for sexual favors.” Moblit laughed, and Erwin smiled at him. 

“I don't remember a lot of high school,” Moblit said. “I moved between so many foster parents that I didn't make a lot of friends.” 

“You didn't have a high school sweetheart?” Erwin said. 

“Yes,” Moblit said. “For two weeks, before I switched school districts again.” Erwin nodded before he took the lid off his Coke and added some whiskey to the drink. He frowned and wiped his mouth with a paper napkin. 

“Would you like to mix some whiskey in your Coke?” Erwin asked. Moblit shook his head. 

“Thanks though,” Moblit said. Erwin stirred his drink with the straw. 

“There's one set of foster parents that you still talk to though, right?” Erwin asked. Moblit nodded. 

“Yeah. Nicholas and Tina,” Moblit said. “I stayed with them while I was in middle school. They tried to adopt me, but my dad got out of jail when I was a freshman in high school. He wanted to move to Tennessee for work. He was out of jail for four months that time.” Erwin nodded. Moblit didn't talk about his childhood very much, purposely, because no one ever knew what to say. 

One time, he told Hange about his dad, and she tried to track his dad down. He didn't know about it for two days. And he asked her to stop. He didn't want to know where his dad was. No, he didn't want to know where his dad was even if Hange was planning on giving him a serious disease so he could die painfully. His dad didn't matter anymore. 

“You're really stable for someone who had such a tumultuous childhood,” Erwin said, looking at him. 

“Thanks,” Moblit said with a smile. He put his glass pipe down and picked up the Wendy's bag. 

“Why did your dad go to jail so much?” 

“I don't think he knew how to do anything else,” Moblit said with a mouthful of fries. “He had been going to jail since he was eighteen, and he didn't know how to live outside, or how to be normal.” 

“Not many of us know how to be normal,” Erwin said. “It wasn't very kind of him to take you from Nicholas and Tina though.” Moblit nodded before eating some more fries. 

“I tried to go back to them after he went back to jail, but Tennessee didn't want me to leave the state,” Moblit said. 

“For the government money?” 

“Yep,” Moblit said. Erwin shook his head. 

“I guess it's still better than what we had to do in our first life.” 

“I wouldn't know,” Moblit said. “My parents outlived me that time.” 

“If you were an orphan then, the military was almost your only option,” Erwin said. “Orphanages were available, and some of them had nice schools. I saw two during the five years that I was in the orphanage. Both were infants. And if you left the orphanage once you were the age of majority, you have very limited career options.” 

“What were the options?” Moblit asked before opening his burger to eat it. Erwin had stopped eating halfway through his burger. 

“Working fields. A maintenance job cleaning the streets or custodial duty in the Military Police headquarters if you were very lucky,” Erwin said. “Pretty much the same place you were sent if you weren't able to graduate from the cadet academy.” Moblit nodded. “So it made sense to me to try and get into the Survey Corps. Because if I couldn't, I would be going to same place anyway. Just younger.” 

“Is your food okay?” Moblit asked. Erwin looked down at it. 

“Yes, it is,” he said. He took another bite of his burger, as if he didn't want to be rude. But he washed it down with more whiskey and Coke. 

“But you wanted to join the Corps for other reasons, right?” Moblit asked. He finished his burger and started eating his chicken nuggets. Erwin nodded. 

“I decided to join the Corps when I was nine, I think,” Erwin said. “What are Hange and Petra doing tonight?” 

“Going to a bar,” Moblit said. Erwin poured some more whiskey into his Coke. 

“I decided to join the Corps after Cadet Academy,” Moblit said. “I wanted to get into the Military Police. But I had a lot of competition in my class. I wasn't in the top ten. Then, I was going to go Garrison to stay close to home. But Shadis got up on stage and talked about the birds flying over the walls.” Moblit shook his head. 

“He had a very convincing sales pitch,” Erwin said. “I heard it several times.” 

“I went home with wings, and my mom chased me around the house with a wooden spoon. My dad had to knock her over and sit on top of her,” Moblit said. Erwin smiled. 

“Sounds like a good mother,” Erwin said. 

Moblit finished eating, and he smoked the rest of his bowl. That's when he decided to look at the TV. Erwin was watching some show about how things are made. But he didn't seem exactly interested. 

“Thanks for letting me come over to hang out,” Moblit said. 

“Any time. You can watch whatever you like,” Erwin said, sliding the remote across the coffee table. “I keep it on for the noise.” 

Moblit took the remote and changed the channel until he found South Park. He had seen the episode before, but it was still pretty funny. Erwin laughed a few times, and he ate some more. When Erwin emptied his drink, he poured more whiskey into the cup. 

“You look like you've lost some weight,” Moblit said. Erwin put the bottle down and put the lid back on his cup. 

“I haven't been going to the gym really,” Erwin said. “If Levi comes back and finds out, he'll probably laugh at me.” Moblit smiled. 

“When he talked to Petra, it seemed like he's been working out a lot,” Moblit said. “He might not be able to grow taller, but he's probably going to be as wide as a bus when he comes back.” Erwin smiled. 

“Probably,” Erwin said. 

“That's why you chose that place, right?” 

“Yes.” 

Moblit didn't know what to say after that. He eyed Erwin's fries, but he couldn't ask for them. Erwin had barely eaten. But Erwin slid his fries and chicken nuggets over to Moblit when it was obvious that he wasn't going to be able to finish them. Moblit ate all of them. Then, he smoked again. 

“One time in our first life, he bet me that I couldn't wrap my hand around his bicep and touch my finger to my thumb,” Erwin said. “I thought I could do it because of our size difference. But then he flexed, and I lost that bet.”

“Damn,” Moblit said, laughing. Erwin smiled and nodded. “What did you lose?” Erwin laughed. His face was already flushed from the liquor, but it turned a shade darker anyway. 

“I didn't lose anything,” Erwin said. Moblit laughed some more. He hadn't seen the Commander blush before. But he had drank so much whiskey already that appearances didn't matter to him so much anymore. “Why didn't you want to go to the bar with Hange and Petra?” Moblit lit his pipe again. “It would have been more fun than sitting here.” 

“I don't know about that,” Moblit said, his voice strained from holding the breath. 

“Why?” Erwin asked, looking at him. Moblit looked back at him, exhaling smoke. 

He didn't want to tell the truth. Because it sounded stupid, even in his own mind. But he felt like the Commander would see through any lie that he could think up. And truthfully, even the thought of trying to lie to the Commander made him nervous. 

“I didn't realize that Hange was aromantic,” Moblit said. He looked back at the TV. “Or asexual.” He lit his pipe again and took a deep drag. 

“I'm guessing the asexual part matters to a lesser degree,” Erwin said. Moblit nodded, released his breath and coughed the smoke out of his lungs. He put his pipe down, coughed until his chest hurt, and then he drank some of his Coke. 

Moblit put his elbows on his knees, laced his fingers together, and stared down at the floor. 

“Is that going to change anything between you two?” Erwin asked. Moblit shook his head. 

“I don't want it to,” he said. “I feel stupid for not realizing it before she had to actually say it.” 

“Did you tell her how you feel?” Erwin asked. Moblit shook his head. 

“Petra wanted to go to a single's night, and Hange was worried about having to turn people down.” 

“Oh,” Erwin said. Moblit looked over at him. 

“Did you know?” Moblit asked. Erwin shook his head. 

“I have to say that it occurred to me before, in this life, but I didn't know for sure,” Erwin said. “I'm not surprised that you didn't think of it before though. Strong emotions will affect your perspective of many things.” 

“Love makes you blind?” Moblit asked. 

“If you want to phrase it that way,” Erwin said. Moblit rubbed his face with his hands. “I don't doubt that if you explained it to her, she would understand.” 

“I don't want to talk to her about it,” Moblit said, taking his hands from his face. “I don't want to make her uncomfortable.” 

“She'll probably be more uncomfortable if you never tell her what's wrong,” Erwin said. Moblit looked at him, and Erwin's face was unreadable. Somehow, he looked like a Commander. “Just because you tell her the truth doesn't mean that anything has to change. Unless you feel the need for companionship beyond what she can give you.” Moblit shook his head. 

“I don't want to think of that,” he said. 

“If our first life, it was much easier to be without a partner,” Erwin said. “But in this society, it's very difficult.” Moblit nodded. “You have to list an emergency contact for almost everything, and without parents or a partner, you'll have no one's name to list.” Moblit looked back at him. Because it sounded like the Commander was talking about himself suddenly. But Erwin was looking at the TV. “Holidays are specifically targeted towards romantic feelings because those feelings are the least rational and drive consumerism.” Erwin looked at him then. “So if you feel the need for companionship, a romantic and sexual bond, then no one will blame you. Especially, Hange. She understands it, even if she doesn't feel it herself.” 

Maybe it was the weed, or being full of greasy food, or feeling disarmed because of the conversation, but Moblit's brain began insisting on answers to questions that he never would have asked before. 

“If the Captain doesn't come back?” Moblit asked. “Are you going to find someone else?” 

“Yes,” Erwin said. Moblit's eyebrows pulled together. “Because if he doesn't come back, then he's not the same man anymore.” 

“What do you mean?” Moblit asked. Erwin picked up his cup and drained it. Moblit felt good. He was just high enough that he didn't mind asking the difficult questions, when he would typically avoid them. 

“When I first saw Levi in the Underground,” Erwin said, putting his cup back down. “His eyes were clear. He had this sense of,” Erwin narrowed his eyes, trying to find the word. “He had this self-awareness. He knew who he was. He knew what he wanted. And he wasn't ashamed of either of those things.” Erwin scratched his head. “But in this life, I haven't seen Levi accept himself yet. Or his decisions. He has a lot of regrets. He doesn't know who he is. He doesn't know what he wants. And that's what I hate the most about his addiction.” Erwin looked at Moblit. “I hate that he doesn't know himself anymore. He doesn't know what he wants. If he doesn't come back, it's because he doesn't know if he wants to be here.” Moblit nodded. “Don't you remember that?” 

“What?” 

“The way he could look at you and see to your core?” Erwin asked. Moblit swallowed. “How he could see all of your strengths and weaknesses with a glance?” 

Moblit remembered the first time he met Levi, before he was Captain, before Erwin was Commander. And he knew what Erwin was talking about. Levi had a deep intuition about a person's strength. He knew how to cut deep with blades or with words. And he had no reservations about either. But he held back when he felt like a fight was unfair. The only person that Moblit had ever seen Levi challenge head-on was the Commander. And that's because it was a fair fight. 

“I remember,” Moblit said. “I wasn't afraid of him at first. Because he was just some guy from the Underground. But after I saw him kill a Titan- I could barely go near a Titan the first time that I saw one because they scared the piss out of me- but the Captain didn't hesitate. The first time I saw him fight, I almost pissed myself.” Erwin nodded, the light in his eyes dimming. “He wasn't afraid of anything.” 

“He had fears,” Erwin said. “Like all of us. But he didn't let them stand in the way.” Erwin drank some more whiskey from the bottle. The bottle was three-quarters empty. “So you can't be afraid to talk to Hange.” Erwin said, taking another swallow. “You can't let your fear of changing things affect the way you treat her. Or you'll lose her.” Erwin put the whiskey bottle down. “You're Hange's emergency contact. You're her support system. You're her only source of self-persevation in most cases. And you'll have to find a way to have all of your needs met and still hold onto her.” 

“I just really thought that I was special to her,” Moblit said. 

“You are,” Erwin said. “And if you think otherwise, you should pack your things and move out.” Erwin looked at him. “If you weren't the most important person in her life, she wouldn't care that you have these feelings. But she does. And she's worried that you're hurt. You're worried that you're going to hurt her. She's worried that you're hurt. Or that you won't accept her.” Moblit's eyebrows pinched together. 

“How do you know?” 

“Because you came over here instead of staying by her side,” Erwin said. “You didn't know what you wanted. She offered you company tonight, and you came here instead. If she didn't notice, I would be surprised.” Moblit picked up his pipe and packed another bowl. 

Erwin laid down on the couch, laying his head on a throw pillow. Moblit smoked and thought about what the Commander said. 

“So she'll ask Petra if she thinks you're okay, and Petra won't know what to say,” Erwin said. “And Hange will get drunk at the bar. And if you go home instead of staying here tonight, she'll talk to you about it.” Moblit nodded. “What will you tell her?” 

Moblit drank some of his Coke. His mouth felt dry, and he took another hit before he put his pipe down. He didn't know what to say. If he confessed his feelings, he could hurt her. But if he said nothing, then things might begin to change, gradually at first, and then all at once. And it was terrifying to think of a life without her. Scary enough that he felt a burning his eyes. 

“I got some smoke in my eyes,” Moblit said, rubbing at them. They were watering, but he wasn't willing to admit that they were tears. 

“That must have hurt,” Erwin said. Moblit wiped the tears away from his face and looked at the Commander. Erwin was staring at the TV, not really watching, obviously far away. 

“I don't want to live without her,” Moblit said. 

“I know,” Erwin said. “Soulmates come in many forms.” Moblit nodded, wiping at his face some more. “But I'm afraid that if you choose a parnter she doesn't like, then your future partner may develop a strange and rare disease.” Moblit laughed and nodded. 

“Yeah, probably,” Moblit said. 

“There's no probably,” Erwin said. 

Moblit laid down on his part of the sectional, propping his head up with another throw pillow, and he watched South Park with the Commander until his eyelids began to feel heavy. 

*****

Moblit woke up, and he squinted at the television. The Commander had changed the channel back to another documentary. He lifted his head from the pillow and looked to the other side of the couch. The Commander was still awake. 

Moblit picked up his phone and looked at the time. 1:04 in the morning. He rubbed his face with his hand and sat up on the couch. Erwin didn't seem to notice. 

“Thanks, Commander,” Moblit said. He stood from the couch, picking up his belongings. 

“Come back if you need to,” Erwin said. 

Moblit left Erwin's house, and he felt lighter when he walked out the front door. His high had worn off, but the Commander's house seemed heavy. He wanted to go home. He wanted to see Hange. 

The drive home seemed longer for some reason, and Moblit guessed it was because he was anxious. Hange would still be awake. She normally didn't go to sleep very early. 

When he pulled into the driveway, he saw that the light in his den was on. That's where Hange was. He parked in the garage, grabbed his backpack and went inside, straight to his den. 

She was sitting on the couch, watching YouTube on his television. When he walked into the room, she looked at him and smiled. 

“Welcome home,” she said, pausing the video. 

“Thanks,” he said. “Where's Petra?” 

“She drank too much,” Hange said, laughing. Moblit sat down, dropping his backpack. The conversation didn't seem so weird anymore. She didn't seem upset.

“Was it fun?” he asked. 

“Yeah,” Hange said. “The drinks were good. We need to go back sometime.” 

“Did you have to curve a lot of people?” 

“Surprisingly, no,” Hange said. 

“Were you double-fisting Jagermeister?” Moblit asked. She frowned at him. 

“Yeah.” 

“That's why,” Moblit said with a smile. She reached out and punched him lightly in the arm. He relaxed on the couch a little further. 

“How's Erwin?” Hange asked. Moblit shook his head. “Bad?” 

“Not bad,” Moblit said. “Extremely functional.” Hange nodded. 

“Yeah,” she said. “Freaks me out sometimes. A healthy person should have broken down a little by now.” 

“Do you think all of that carried over from back then?” he asked. 

“I have no clue,” she said. “I've tried to figure it out before, but I really can't tell. I hardly know anything about his life this time around. Mike grew up with him, but it's easier to get things out of Erwin than Mike sometimes.” Moblit nodded. “Why didn't you ever tell me how you felt?” Moblit adjusted on the couch and swallowed. He was really thirsty. Hange had a glass of water on the table, and he leaned forward, drinking some water from it. He set the glass back down and sunk back down into the couch. 

“I couldn't decide how,” he said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He looked at the television. Hange played the YouTube video and muted the sound. They watched the moving shapes in the silence. “I didn't tell you the first time, and I didn't know how to say it now. I felt like it was too late.” 

The YouTube video was some slow-motion science channel that Hange really liked. This time, the hosts of the show were setting up 1000 mousetraps on a trampoline to film how they snapped in slow-motion. 

“If I had known, I wouldn't have wanted you to find out in this way,” Hange said. 

“I know,” he said. “I talked to the Commander about it.” 

“You think I don't love you?” she asked. 

“I know you do,” Moblit said. “You love me in the best way.” 

“What way is that?” 

“If you had seen the explosion first, back then, you would have tried to knock me into the well first,” Moblit said. He couldn't look at her. And she didn't respond. They both knew it was true. She lived because he saw the explosion first. Otherwise, they would have fought to the death trying to protect each other from dying. “I don't think I've ever met anyone who loves people as much as you do, Hange.” Hange sniffled, and he didn't want to look at her. He felt his own eyes burning. “It doesn't matter that it's not the type of love that this society seems to think is the pinnacle of human emotion.” Hange moved closer to him on the couch, and he wrapped his arm around her. 

“Sometimes I miss our old life,” she said. 

“Me too,” he said. “Not the Titans-”

“I miss the Titans.” 

“I don't.” 

“There's nothing in this life as amazing as them,” Hange said. 

“Yes, there is,” Moblit said. “Plenty of things. But I don't miss having to tell you to step away from something that can eat you.” 

“I made a pipe bomb before you came home,” Hange said. 

“Did it work?” 

“I blew up a plant in the back yard.” 

“I hated that plant anyway,” Moblit said. Hange laughed, and he rubbed her back. The YouTube video changed, and Hange turned the volume back up on the television. Moblit closed his eyes. 

“Are you going to be okay?” Hange asked. 

“I'm home,” Moblit said. “I'm already okay.” He waited for her to say something else, and she was silent. He didn't know exactly how to tell her that he was alright with it. Part of him had known all along, and that's why he hadn't said anything. But it was alright. They would make it work. Nothing had to change. “I'll be here always.” 

“Even if I opened a credit card in your name?” Hange asked. 

“What's your credit score?” 

“845.”

“Yeah, that's fine.” 

******

Erwin tried to talk to Armin every weekend after their initial conversation. But during the entire month of March, Armin said he was unavailable to talk during the weekends, or weekdays. Erwin's curiosity grinded against the back of his brain. He didn't want to pry into Armin's personal life, and he decided that he wouldn't ask why Armin was so busy. But he wondered about it frequently. 

In the second week of April, he was finally able to get Armin to agree to another discussion on a Sunday. He dressed for the occasion, down to his shoes again, and he set up his computer for the conversation. 

When he called Armin on Skype, he didn't get an answer immediately. In fact, the call wasn't answered, and anxiety made the hairs on the back of Erwin's neck stand up. It felt very strange to want to the attention of someone who was once his subordinate. But he sat back in his computer chair and waited patiently. 

Armin seemed very different now. Erwin could understand why. But he didn't understand why Armin seemed so detached. 

While Erwin waited for a return call from Armin, he thought of Levi. He rubbed his eyebrows with his thumb and forefinger. Petra had told him about every phone call from Levi. Levi asked about him every time. Today Petra would have the same information that she had every weekend. Levi is exercising and seems to be improving. He wished that he could hear a recording of their conversations. He didn't doubt that Petra was telling the truth. Levi probably kept the conversations painfully short. But Erwin had known him, studied Levi, for so long that he knew he would be able to hear things in Levi's voice, in the way that he chose words, that Petra missed. 

The computer began playing a tune, and Erwin looked at the screen. Armin was calling him. He adjusted his chair, sat up straight and answered the call. 

Armin's face showed up on the screen, in a different location than the first few calls, and he smiled. Erwin smiled back at him. 

“Hello, Armin,” Erwin said. 

“Hello, Commander,” Armin said. His voice seemed deeper, and his words were slower. “Sorry I missed your call.” Erwin's ears picked up a slur that time. 

“That's alright,” Erwin said. “It's very early there. Were you sleeping?” Armin shook his head. 

“We got home a couple of hours ago,” Armin said. Armin leaned his head to the side, and Erwin saw a tattooed red line along Armin's neck under his shirt. He couldn't remember seeing it before. 

“That sounds like fun,” Erwin said. 

“It was a good night,” Armin said with a lopsided smile. He still seemed drunk. Erwin couldn't tell from the quality of the picture. 

“How have you been doing?” Erwin asked. And Armin just shrugged. 

“I picked up a few jobs, and that's why I was so busy,” Armin said. 

“That's good,” Erwin said. “What type of job did you get?” 

“I was working at a restaurant for a while, as a waiter,” Armin said. “And I didn't like it. So I changed restaurants a few times, and I found one that was alright.” Erwin nodded. “But they fired me last week.” 

“Why did they fire you?” Erwin asked. Armin shrugged. 

“The manager didn't like me,” Armin said. Erwin nodded again, at a loss for words. “Jeans birthday was on Tuesday.” 

“Is that a difficult day for you?” 

“Yeah,” Armin said. He pick up his pack of cigarettes and lit one. And between drags, he drank something from a glass. 

“Why is it such a bad day?” 

“It's not a bad day,” Armin said. “It just reminds me of him. And it makes me think about what's going on with Marco.” Erwin's eyebrows pulled together while he tried to put the pieces together. 

“Is something wrong with Marco?” Erwin asked. Armin shrugged. 

“I've been picking fights with him, I guess,” Armin said. “He does all of these different jobs, and he wants me to work too. But I'm not good at anything.” Erwin squinted at the screen. 

“What does Marco do for work?” Erwin asked. 

“All kinds of things. He works at a tattoo shop four nights a week. He DJs at a club for the other three nights, and sometimes he takes on odd jobs during the days from this website that he likes. Sometimes he's made more money from his odd jobs than his regular ones.” 

“I'm sure that you would be good at many things. You just haven't discovered them yet,” Erwin said. 

“Well, now I know that I'm a shit waiter,” Armin said before taking another drag from his cigarette. 

Erwin's mind began putting things into place. He could only speculate about a few things. First, he guessed that Marco asked Armin to start working. Armin went into the restaurants, tried his best at first, and then somehow sabotaged himself. And if he admitted that he was picking fights with Marco, that might have started on Tuesday. Maybe Armin had been drunk since Tuesday. 

“I know that I've probably been troubling you while you were working,” Erwin said. Armin looked at the camera, and Erwin didn't recognize the look. Armin looked extemely volatile, ready to snap. “I wanted to ask if I could come and visit you.” Armin raised his eyebrows, caught off guard, but he wasn't scowling anymore. Erwin purposely mimicked Armin's body language. 

Even though Armin seemed to be completely foreign now, Erwin felt an obligation to try and help him. Armin's life had been affected by remembering his past, and Erwin was part of that past. He felt responsible for part of what Armin was experiencing. 

“Come and visit?” Armin asked and shifted in his chair. 

“If that's alright,” Erwin said. “I know that it might seem invasive, and I wouldn't ever want to make you feel uncomfortable-”

“No,” Armin said, shaking his head. “It's not that. It's just that I... wanted to see you in person. Or some of the others. Of course, I don't have the money. I just didn't know that you would want to see me too.”

“Why wouldn't I?” Erwin asked. Armin drank some more from his glass, and Erwin was almost sure it was alcohol, based on Armin's facial expression. Armin lit another cigarette before he finished the other one. And then Armin shook his head. “Because Levi gave you the serum?” Armin looked at the camera. “That's not an issue for me, Armin. Levi did the right thing.” Armin dragged on his cigarette again, and Erwin wanted a cigarette himself. He had been buying them regularly, and he wanted to stop. He knew his drinking was verging beyond casual, and he had been trying to stop drinking so much. Seeing Armin made him realize that he needed to be stronger. If he was going to help Armin, he needed to make sure that he was healthy himself first. 

“Do you know what happened after you died?” Armin asked. 

“Yes,” Erwin said. “And even if I had lived, I would not have been able to prevent the tragedies that happened after Shinganshina, Armin. I don't blame you or Levi for anything that happened to our people.” Armin stared at the table in front of his laptop, and his eyes widened. He was having a type of flashback. Erwin recognized the look. The stare that went farther than a thousand yards. “Armin.” Armin looked at him, and still didn't seem extremely present. “I've been told about the ridicule that you had to endure after my death. And I've been told that Levi experienced some of that as well-”

“I never wanted to try and replace you,” Armin blurted. 

“I know,” Erwin said, nodding. “No one can be blamed for decisions made on the field, Armin. Many people never fully understand that. But we were only trying to do what we would regret the least. We did everything that we could to survive. Levi chose to let me die with my soldiers.” Armin nodded. “I died on the field, like a Commander should.” Armin licked his lips and dragged on his cigarette again, and he was nodding. 

“If you can, come,” Armin said. 

“I'm financially able,” Erwin said. “But I won't be able to come there until school is over.” 

“When does school end?” Armin asked, looking at the camera. 

“May,” Erwin said. “I could come at the end of May or beginning of June.” 

“June is no good. That's Marco's birthday month,” Armin said. “But as soon as you could in May.” 

“May it is then,” Erwin said. He thought of the dates. Levi would get out of rehab in the second or third week of May. He couldn't remember exactly, had forced himself to forget the date. He couldn't miss that. He needed to be at home when Levi came home. If Levi came home, he reminded himself. 

“Okay,” Armin said, smiling. 

“I'm looking forward to it,” Erwin said. “I've never been to Australia.” 

“There are a lot of things we can do,” Armin said. “I'll start planning.” 

“That sounds good,” Erwin said. He wanted to end on a good note. “I have to go now, Armin. I've having people over for dinner.” 

“Soldiers?” 

“Yes,” Erwin said with a smile. 

“Who will be there?” 

“Commander Hange, Squad Leader Mike, Moblit, Nanaba, Petra,” Erwin said. He didn't know if he should say Levi's name. He didn't know if Armin would notice-

“Not Captain Levi?” 

“Not tonight,” Erwin said, shaking his head. “He had a prior engagement.” Armin nodded. 

“He stays pretty busy,” Armin said. 

“He does,” Erwin said. “Message me any time you like.” 

“I will!” 

“Try and get some rest, Armin,” Erwin said. 

“Yes, sir,” Armin said, raising his glass and smiling. Erwin ended the call. Something about Armin raising his glass to the camera made a chill run up Erwin's spine. Ending the call had been a reflexive reaction. He frowned at himself. 

“What was that?” he asked himself. Erwin's eyebrows pulled together, and Levi came to his mind. He could have asked Levi. Levi would have an idea why he did that. Erwin leaned over his desk, resting his head in his hands. 

He wanted to tell everyone that dinner was canceled. But he had only tried that once back in February. They had a very cold and dark Sunday picnic on his front lawn, orchestrated by Hange. Erwin invited all of them inside for hot chocolate after their meal. The guilt. She knew it would get to him. But they brought in a plate of food for him anyway. 

Erwin leaned back in his chair and looked out the window. The sun was about to set, and he needed to prepare his dish for dinner. But the image of Armin raising the liquor glass and smiling was burned into his brain. 

He replayed the moment in his mind, trying to slow it down to help him pick the exact moment that he felt uncomfortable enough to end the call. Armin raised his glass in his tattooed hand. His lips curved upwards and parted, showing teeth. 

The smile was fake. That's why it bothered Erwin. A fake smile and raised glass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On my tumblr, I apologized for the long wait for this chapter. However, I'd like to apologize here too. I've got some crazy life stuff going on. Please excuse the long periods between chapters. Thank you for continuing to read. <3


	32. Mother and Father

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _After we’re gone_   
>  _Who will breathe the earth we lost_   
>  _We leave nothing but our thoughts_   
>  _And memories beneath the dust_   
>  _So when this body fails to mend_   
>  _And all my demons they come crashing in_   
>  _Will I start to begin_   
>  _Or will I fade away with them_   
>  [ Afterlife by Illenium feat. Echos ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4kqIruQcvQ)

Erwin didn't look at his phone during school hours. With Levi gone, there was really no point. Levi only made contact on Sundays, always to Petra. 

So Erwin was concerned when he checked his phone after his final class to see a text. And a missed phone call from his mother at 11:00. He opened the text. 

_Mother: Please call_

Erwin felt guilty for not wanting to call. But he held the phone tightly in his hand and read the text again. Obviously, something was wrong. He hadn't spoken to her since Christmas. Maybe she just wanted to hear from him. That was reasonable. 

Erwin called. 

She answered on the first ring. 

“Hello?” 

How long had it been since he had heard her voice? 

“Hello, Mother. I'm sorry that I missed your call. I was in class,” Erwin said.

“That's alright, Ean,” she said. 

“Is something wrong?” 

“Yes,” she said. “Your father has had a medical incident.”

Erwin waited for more information. She sounded so calm. He must have misheard her.

“I'm sorry, Mother. Could you please repeat that?” 

“Your father has had a medical incident,” she said. “Can you come here?”

“What type of incident? An accident?” 

“A cardiac event of some kind,” she said. Erwin's eyebrows pulled together. “It happened this morning, about half an hour before I called you. He's still having surgery.” 

Erwin stood from his desk, holding the phone against his ear with his shoulder while he collected his things. 

“I'm leaving school to get on the first plane, Mother,” he said. “I'll be there soon.” He locked his classroom, still awkwardly holding his things and phone. 

“I'll purchase a ticket for you online,” she offered. “When you get to the airport, there will be a ticket waiting for you.” 

Erwin wanted to refuse to allow her to pay for it, but that would save him some time. And maybe he needed that time if he was already jogging down the hallway to the principal's office. 

“Thank you, Mother,” he said. “I'll be there as soon as possible.” 

“I'll see you soon,” she said. Erwin opened his mouth to say something else, but she had already ended the call. No matter. He needed to speak to the principal. 

The principal was speaking to the secretary in the front office, and Erwin interrupted their conversation, explaining as the situation quickly and plainly. He didn't realize that he had interrupted their conversation at all until the principal looked up at him with her thin, gray eyebrows raised. 

“What?” she asked, as if she hadn't heard him. But he saw the shock in her eyes. 

“I apologize,” he said. 

“No, it's fine,” Mrs. Kirkland said. “Your father has had a heart attack?” 

“Yes,” Ean said. “And I might need a proctor for my students to take their final exam-”

“Stop talking and go, Mr. Scott!” Mrs. Kirkland insisted, and she even stepped towards him, shooing him away. 

“Thank you,” Ean said, as he turned to start walking out of the office, out of the building, to his car. He was on the interstate before he realized that he was driving. He tried to pay more attention and failed. Time melted together until the plane took off. And while Ean was sitting in the quiet first-class area, he was left alone with all of the memories of his father and mother. The few and painful. 

When he came home from kindergarten, he was excited. He liked most of the other children. Even the kid named Ricky, who smelled like pickles. Besides, Ean liked pickles. And Ricky was funny. But his best friend was a little boy named Charles, who had nice shoes and erasers that were shaped like animals. Frau Gisela listened to all of it, hanging onto every word. 

“Where's Mother and Father?” he asked. And Frau Gisela looked sad, which didn't make any sense to Ean. It had been a great day for everyone. 

“They went to the vacation house for a while,” she said, smiling again. That made him feel better. Frau Gisela had the best smile. “How about a snack?” She gave him a chocolate pudding cup, which normally only a lunch treat.

And when a while turned into weeks, and then a month, Ean realized that he had done something to make his parents angry. So Frau Gisela helped him write letters to them, with crayons. She helped a lot with his spelling, and he made very pretty letters. Most of the time he drew pictures along with the letters. 

They didn't come home until his birthday. They stayed one night. For Thanksgiving, they stayed three days. For Christmas, they stayed a whole week. His father barely spoke to him. However, his mother seemed genuinely glad to see him. She smiled a lot. She told him that she loved him every morning and every night. But never in-between, even if he offered love first. 

Ean remembered all of it. The strange cycle of their disappearance until a holiday or his birthday arrived. The way his father seemed to avoid him. The desperation Frau Gisela showed when he would throw a temper tantrum. Because he was angry at first. Frustrated mostly. Confused more than anything about why they weren't around, what they were doing when they were away from him. 

When he was in second grade, he finally understood what Frau Gisela had been telling him for years. A connection finally happened. 

“It's not your fault, Ean,” she said. He had broken a vase, holding his bare foot over the shards, because nothing got Frau Gisela's attention faster than a foot wound. He could scrape his hands and knees and head all day, but if he injured his foot, it pushed her to tears. She wasn't crying this time. She was quiet, and she seemed sleepy. He couldn't remember her face very well in that moment. “It's not your fault that they've left,” she said. “In fact, they don't think of you when they're gone. They think only of themselves.” Ean's small, bushy eyebrows pulled together. “Just like you only think of yourself when you break things.” 

Ean remembered pulling his foot away from the shards and stepping away from the vase. His parents weren't thinking of him. 

“Why don't they think of me?” Ean asked. 

“I don't know,” Frau Gisela said. “When you're at school, when I'm away from you-” Ean cringed. He hated it when Frau Gisela left, more than anything. More than when his parents left. “I think of you all of the time.” Because she left him with a babysitter, a young man named Jesse, who was nice, but was still a stranger. “I think of you every moment when I'm away. Even when I'm with my family,” she said. Jesse didn't play games or make interesting snacks or watch good TV. He read books and interacted with Ean for dinner, bath time, and bedtime. “You haven't done anything wrong.” Ean knew that he had done a lot of things that were wrong. He had broken a lot of his mother's things, his father's things, because that might mean they would come home. They would have to come home to punish him. “I love you all of the time,” she said. “Not just when I'm here.” 

Frau Gisela said that she loved him any time. She offered it without him having to ask. She said it when he left for school in the morning, she put notes in his lunch box, she said it when he came home, when he ate dinner, when he had a bath, when he went to bed. 

“I'm not going anywhere,” she said. Ean remembered crying. Actually, he screamed first. And then he sobbed. Frau Gisela didn't make him bathe or eat that night. And she kept him home from school the next day. They went to the zoo. And while they sat on a bench to eat a snack she said: “I'm so proud of you, mäuschen.” Ean liked that nickname. He couldn't say it, but that somehow made it more fun. 

“Why?” he asked. 

“Because you're a good boy,” she said. “And one day, when you aren't angry anymore, you'll be better.” She smiled down at him. Ean wanted to be better then. Right in that moment. 

“How can I not be angry?” he asked. 

“You find reasons to be happy,” she said. “Be glad to wake up in the morning. Be glad that you aren't sick. Tell people 'thank you'.” She smiled at him. Ean looked away from her, and thought about it. He thought about it so hard that he became dizzy. But then Frau Gisela put her finger in her ice cream, and tapped his nose with it. And they laughed. He thanked her for the ice cream. He thanked her every time he could. 

Ean still thought of his parents a lot. Mostly his mother. As he became older, she showed more interest in him, asked more questions. Sometimes Ean didn't know the answers, and she was fine with that. He found ways to be happy when they were away. 

But when the plane landed, Ean blinked hard, looked around the first-class area and realized that he hadn't even removed his seat belt after take-off.

******

At the hospital, Ean remained calm. That was one of the many things he took home from the Army. No matter the situation, if you panic, you'll lose control of what you can do. He moved fast to an information desk, he asked for the area where his mother said she would be, and he didn't speak to anyone else. 

When he stepped off of the elevator, he didn't feel nervous. There were no more phone calls from his mother. In this case, no news was good news. But when he found the private waiting area, he saw inside the room through a window. A doctor was sitting next to her, and she looked fine. 

Ean opened the door, and his mother smiled at him. It was a relief. Because that meant everything was alright. The doctor stood. 

“Mr. Scott?” 

“Yes,” Ean said, when he stepped forward, holding his hand out. 

“I haven't told him anything,” she said. Ean and the doctor both looked at her. 

“Oh,” the doctor said, looking back up at Ean. 

“How is he?” Ean asked. The doctor shook his head, and Ean heard a ringing noise in his ears. 

“Please sit down,” his mother said. Ean kept his eyes on the doctor, but he sat next to her, and she took his hand in hers. When he looked at her, he saw that she was staring at him. The doctor squatted down in front of him to make their eye contact more even. 

“Your father experienced a tear in his aorta,” the doctor said. Ean's head leaned forward, and he almost lost control of his jaw. He noticed that the doctor had really nice green eyes. “It doesn't happen very often. But it can happen after a prolonged period of untreated hypertension.” 

_“But a tear in his aorta should have killed him,”_ Ean thought. The doctor also had nice tan skin, and Ean wondered if the doctor owned a tanning bed. 

“When your mother called the ambulance, they only knew that it was a cardiac event. They brought him here, and we took him to surgery. We fixed the tear, and he was in recovery when he died.” 

Ean's face felt hot. And his mouth felt sour. 

“We don't know how he died yet,” the doctor said. “We suspect that there was more than one tear, but we aren't sure.” Ean noticed the doctor's wedding ring. “I'm very sorry.” 

When Ean looked at his mother, she was staring at him. Her expression was completely blank.

******

In the taxi, on the way to his childhood home, Ean waited for his mother's tears. He waited for his own tears. Neither of them appeared. They both remained silent, sitting with similar posture. Ean looked at his phone for the first time since three in the afternoon. He noticed that he missed two phone calls before he put the phone away. 

Ean realized that he hadn't brought any clothes. Not even a toothbrush. The only things that he had kept on himself were his wallet and his phone. He knew that he needed to go to a store to get supplies, but he just wanted to go home. 

After Ean had gone into the Army and Frau Gisela retired, Ean's parents moved back into his childhood home. He hadn't been inside of it for years. There was never a reason. He didn't want to go back. But he was afraid to leave his mother alone. 

“You didn't bring any luggage?” she asked. 

“No,” he said. 

“That was foolish.” 

“I know.” 

He wasn't prepared. She was right. It was foolish. He had rushed. 

“I'll buy some things tonight,” Ean said. 

When the taxi turned down the driveway towards the home, Ean stared at the dark trees passing by. He tried to count them, to entertain himself, or distract himself. He wasn't sure. But the taxi turned right into the circle driveway and stopped at the front door. His mother opened the door of the taxi and stepped out.

“What's the nearest-”

His mother closed the door of the car. He stared at the closed door for two seconds. He counted them himself. Ean looked at the taxi driver. 

“Would you please take me to the nearest store?” Ean asked. 

“Sure.” 

******

When Ean returned from the store, his mother was in the living room, drinking a glass of wine and reading. The house was quiet. Without even setting his bags down, he walked over to the couch. He watched her, waiting for an acknowledgment. But she didn't signal whether or not she was aware of him. 

“What are you reading?” he asked. 

“Something for a book club,” she said. Ean couldn't see the title where he was, but he saw a half dressed male and female on the cover. 

“May I use the washer and dryer?” 

“Yes.” 

Ean didn't ask anymore questions before he left her and went to the laundry room. He washed all of his new clothes together, not caring to separate them out. He almost forgot to cut off the tags. 

After he started the washer, he threw away the tags and took out the pack of Camel Menthol Silvers and the lighter he bought. Ean put the pack and lighter in his pocket. He needed to call Max. He went back to the living room to ask his mother what room he should sleep in. 

“Any of them,” she said. “We disassembled your childhood room and donated everything. There's a king sized bed in there now.” Ean didn't want to sleep there. “You can take any room.” 

“Thank you,” he said. She nodded, drinking some more of her wine. 

Ean went upstairs to the room. The house was too big for only two people. All of the guest rooms were decorated like expensive hotel rooms. They were practically sterile. He wanted that. 

When he sat on the bed and pulled his phone from his pocket, he kicked off his shoes while he called Max. Or Mike. Mike was his name. 

“Hey, Erwin,” Mike said. 

“Hey, Ma-Mike,” he said. There was silence on the other end of the line. 

“Are you alright?” Mike asked. Ean wasn't sure how to answer the question. He wasn't sure how to say what he needed to say. 

“Are you at home?” 

“Yeah,” Mike said. 

“And Nanaba's with you?” 

“Yes.” 

“My father died,” Ean said. “I'm in New York.” Mike didn't say anything for so long that Ean pulled the phone away from his ear and looked to see if Mike had ended the call. 

“Max?” 

“Wh-” 

“I thought you hung up,” Ean said. 

“No,” he said. “I'm still here. Do you want me to come up there?” Mike asked. 

“Yes,” Ean said. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “Please.” 

“Where are you?” Mike asked. Ean shook his head. 

“My parents' house.” 

“I'm on my way,” Mike said. Ean covered his eyes. He knew how he sounded. And he was loosing touch with things around him. “I need to pack some things, and umm-”

“I just want you to come up here,” Ean said. “I don't want to see anyone else. I don't know how to explain-”

“I know, Erwin. It's fine,” Mike said. “It's alright. Everyone will understand. I need to get dressed, pack some stuff, and I'm going to get on a plane tonight. I'll stay in a hotel-” 

“Can you stay here?” 

“In your parents' house?” 

“Yes.” 

“I'll stay there,” Mike said. “I'll call you when I get there, so keep your phone volume on loud.” Ean nodded, taking his hand away from his eyes. “Can you call Hange and talk to her while I pack?” 

“I'm alright-” 

“Hang on,” Mike said. Ean waited. 

He wanted to talk to Levi. He hadn't heard Levi's voice in one hundred and nine days, and he just wanted to hear his voice. 

“You don't have to call her,” Mike said. “You can talk to anyone you want. But you need to talk to someone while I'm on my way up there. I need some more socks, Nanaba.” 

“I'll call someone, Max.” 

“Erwin, hang on one second, but don't hang up, okay? I have to put on a shirt,” Mike said. 

“Okay.” 

There was silence on the phone, and then there was some background noise. Muffled voices as well. Ean tried to listen to them, but his mind returned to the image of his mother staring at him instead. She was waiting for something while they were in the room with the doctor. 

“Okay,” Mike said. “Hange is going to call you in about ten seconds, and then I'm walking out the door. I'll probably end up taking a late flight, and if you fall asleep, that's okay. Just do what you have to do.” 

“I doubt I'll sleep tonight,” Ean said. 

“That's fine,” Mike said. “But talk to Hange when she answers, alright?” 

“I will,” he said. Hange's call interrupted him. “She's calling.” 

“Answer the phone, and I'll see you in a few hours,” Mike said. 

“Thank you.” 

“Answer the phone when Hange calls.” 

“Bye, Mike.” 

“Bye.” 

Ean answered Hange's call. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, Commander,” Hange said. Not a drop of pity. Not a wince of sympathy. 

“Hello,” he said. “Thank you for calling.” 

“Mike and Nanaba are totally freaked out,” she said. “You don't sound good, but I don't know what they expect.” 

“I called Mike by the wrong name,” he admitted. 

“Nanaba said you did. That's probably what has him so crazy,” she said. 

“Nanaba called you?” 

“She called me while Mike was still on the phone with you,” Hange said. “They think they're sneaky, but they're really bad at it.” 

“Yeah,” Ean said. He laid back on the bed, holding the phone to his ear while he adjusted the pillow. 

“How did your dad die?” Hange asked. Ean couldn't help but grin. Hange could always be counted on to abandon tact when it was necessary. 

“A tear in his aorta, they think,” Ean said. “They tried to fix it, but he died in recovery.” 

“Hypertension?” 

“I'm not sure.”

“Hey, Erwin.” 

“Hmm?” 

“I could get Moblit to make an emergency call to the rehab center-”

“No,” Erwin said. “No emergency calls. I don't want him to leave.” He saw Levi's shadow on the ceiling, and it was gone when he blinked. 

“Alright,” she said. “Maybe a phone call though.” 

“I don't mind if he knows,” Erwin said. “As long as he doesn't leave.” 

“He has five days left,” she said. “I doubt that he will.” Erwin wasn't sure. Hange was the more sound party in this conversation though. “But do you think he would?” 

Erwin thought about it, collected all of the information that he knew about Levi's past behavior and sorted it. With drugs, Levi was unpredictable. Without them, there were certain patterns in his behavior. 

“It depends. If the rehab program has worked, he won't leave,” Erwin said. “If it hasn't worked, and if he's given up on it, then he'll leave and come to find me.” 

“From what Petra has said, it's working.” 

“I don't have any contrary evidence.” 

“Then, I'll get Moblit to call, before it's too late in the evening,” Hange said. 

“Thank you,” Erwin said. 

“What happened, Erwin?” she asked. Erwin narrowed his eyes at the ceiling. “When you answered the phone, you sounded like you didn't know me very well.” Erwin didn't know how to answer exactly. But he chose the words that he thought would make the most sense. 

“When I found out that my dad was in the hospital, I felt like Ean,” he said.

“That's happened to me before,” she said. “It's weird. And uncomfortable.” 

“It was uncomfortable,” he said. “My mother isn't handling things very well.” 

“Did they have to sedate her?” 

“No,” Erwin said. “I haven't seen her respond emotionally yet. But she doesn't have a flat affect either. She seems completely unaffected.” 

“So she's not apathetic, but she's not crying-”

“She's not responding,” Erwin said. “She doesn't seem sad or angry. She's currently reading a book for her book club.” 

“That's pretty extreme,” Hange said. “Well, it lacks any extreme, which is the abnormal part.” 

“I'm concerned about her.”

“She might break down at the funeral.” 

“We haven't made any arrangements yet,” Erwin said. 

“Maybe she'll break down tomorrow after she sleeps. She might still be running on adrenaline,” Hange suggested. “Do you want the rest of us to come up there?” 

Erwin thought about it. Hange, Moblit, Petra, and Mike would all be missing work. Nanaba would probably want to be with Mike anyway. But that left Levi in the south by himself. 

“I think it would only confuse me more,” Erwin said. “Mike and I spent time together before we remembered.” 

“I know what you mean,” she said. “And I think having all of us there would probably spark your Commander side.” 

“Is that a bad thing?” 

“It could be if it interferes with your grieving process,” Hange said. Erwin felt like squirming. 

“You said that you've experienced this before?” 

“Yeah. When Moblit visited my family for Thanksgiving and Christmas that first time. I was really confused for the whole day,” she said. “I don't have two separate personalities. I'm still the same person, but my family treats me differently than Moblit does, or you, or any of the others from the Corps. And Moblit had to call me Hera, which is confusing.”

“I felt like I didn't have as much control today,” Erwin said. “I left home without any clothes or a toothbrush. And I just realized that I forgot to buy a toothbrush at the store while I was buying clothes.” Hange laughed. 

“I'll text Mike and tell him to buy you a toothbrush on the way over,” she said.

“I only brought my cellphone and my wallet. I left everything else in my car.” 

“Where is your car?”

“At the airport in Atlanta.” 

“Do you want me to go get it for you?” 

“You don't have a key,” Erwin said. 

“I could probably hotwire it or something. I've been watching a lot of YouTube.”

“No, thank you,” he said. 

“Fixing it after I hotwire it will be cheaper than leaving it parked at the airport for a long time.” 

“It will be fine.” 

“Okay then,” she said. “Anyway, I think you were just in shock. That's why you were so confused.” Erwin nodded. “That makes sense to me.” 

“You're probably right,” Erwin said. “Being here and seeing my mother. Getting a phone call from her at all was shocking.” Erwin scratched his nose. “I'm glad Levi wasn't around to see it.” 

“Levi wouldn't have let it go on,” Hange said. “I can hear him now: What the fuck is wrong with you?” She did a horrible impression of Levi's voice. But Erwin could still hear him. 

_What the fuck, Erwin?_

“Well, he does typically respond negatively to anything out of the ordinary-”

“Creepy. He doesn't like creepy stuff,” Hange said. “Seeing you freak out would definitely give him the creeps.” 

“Right,” Erwin said, a smile pulling at the sides of his mouth. 

“Hang on. Moblit's back,” she said. Erwin listened, heard Moblit speaking, but he couldn't understand what was being said. “He said that all he could do was leave a message for Levi's counselor.” 

“Thank you,” Erwin said. It wasn't what he wanted to hear though. He wanted to hear that Moblit talked to Levi directly. Levi had only been talking to Petra, and that made him seem farther away. 

“He might call,” Hange said. 

“As long as he stays for another five days, I don't care what he does,” Erwin said. “That's all I want.” 

“I know,” Hange said. Neither of them had anything to say after that, and Erwin was tired of holding the phone to his ear. 

“I should probably go buy a toothbrush.” 

“One night without brushing won't hurt.” 

“I have nothing better to do,” Erwin said. 

“Mike is bringing you one,” she said. “Don't worry about it.” Erwin stared at the ceiling, wondering how he could end the phone call. He reached into his pants pocket and brought out the pack of cigarettes, pulling the plastic away. “Maybe if you talked to your mother, that would help her process everything.” 

“I don't want to try and force a conversation with her,” Erwin said. “But I'd like to get a shower.” 

“Alright,” Hange said. “You can call me back if you want. Any time.” 

“I know. Thank you, Hange.” 

“I'll text you tomorrow.” 

“Good night.” 

“Bye, Erwin.” 

Erwin took the phone from his ear and ended the call. He sat up, stood from the bed, and he went to the bathroom that was attached to the room. 

Rather than showering, Erwin ran a bath. He undressed, folded his clothes on the counter, and he took a cigarette from the pack, lighting it. Grabbing his phone, he went to the tub and sank down into the water, looking at Reddit, trying to find something to distract himself. He lifted the lid and seat of the toilet and ashed into it. 

Halfway through his cigarette, Erwin was reading an “Ask Me Anything” hosted by a mortician. Some of the information was pretty interesting, and he wondered if he mother would consider some of the suggestions on the post. But he didn't want to suggest any of them either. He didn't understand the balance that she was trying to keep, and he didn't want to tip it. 

Erwin's phone screen changed to show an incoming call. He felt some kind of pain in the back of his head, and he winced at the screen. It was an unfamiliar number. And he hoped it was Levi. As much as he hated, he wanted it to be Levi. Erwin cleared his throat before answering. 

“Hello.” 

“Hey, Scott. This is Zim,” he said. Erwin winced. “I was going to ask how you're doing, but I don't think that's necessary at this time.” 

“You're right,” Erwin said, ashing his cigarette again. 

“I'm already at home for the night, but the receptionist passed your message along to me,” he said. “Do you want Landon to give you a call?” 

“Only if you think it would be alright,” Erwin said, dragging on his cigarette again. 

“Well, we normally only do phone calls on Sunday, but if you want Landon to give you a call, I could pass the information about your dad to him.” Erwin stared at the tile on the wall surrounding the tub, and he dragged from his cigarette. “I'm obviously not going to tell him to call. I'm not going to make him pick up the phone. But if he wants to make a phone call to you tonight when we give him the news, I'm going to allow it.” Erwin wanted to take the time to think of all of the angles, but his mouth moved faster than he could think. 

“I'd like that,” Erwin said, smoke being forced out with the words. He heard the words, he heard his own voice, but his mind had already conjured the image of Levi, the most familiar one, of Levi leaning against a door frame, arms crossed. It was such an old image that he almost looked like a silhouette now. He closed his eyes to make the image clearer. 

“I can make that happen,” Zim said. “And I don't think you need to hear this, but I need to say it. You can't ask him to leave to be with you.” Zim stopped talking, and Erwin waited. “Do you understand?” Erwin imagined Zim's scarred face. 

“Yes.” 

“Even if he offers, you can't ask him to leave,” Zim said. “I know he only has a few days left, but even if he leaves at this point in the program, it may not have the full affect. These final days are just as important as the beginning. No matter what he says, or what you're going to probably feel during the conversation, you can't ask him to leave.” 

“I understand,” Erwin said. “And I would never do anything that might hurt his chances of recovering.” 

“I don't believe you would,” Zim said. “But grief affects people in strange ways, and I had to make sure.” 

“Thank you,” Erwin said. 

“Don't thank me yet. I haven't made the call.” 

“Right.” 

“So I've got your word that you're not going to ask him to leave?” 

“You've got my word that I won't ask him to leave. His recovery means more to me than having him here.” Zim seemed like he was at a loss for words after that, but he made a noise in his throat that Erwin could hear. 

“I'm going to hang up. I'll call and tell the night supervisor the news, and let her know that Landon is allowed to make a phone call.” 

“Thank you,” Erwin said, closing his eyes. 

“Bye, Scott.” 

“Good bye, Zim.” 

Erwin took the phone from his ear, opened his eyes, and set the phone on the edge of the tub. He ashed into the toilet before he dragged from his cigarette again. Erwin frowned up at the ceiling of the bathroom. He tried to imagine Levi's voice. Some of the words were still clear. But he wondered if Levi would sound different. He wondered if 109 days was a long enough time for cigarettes to affect Levi's vocal cords, making his voice deeper than it had been, giving him that gravely sound. Erwin winced at the ceiling. He couldn't remember his father's voice very well anymore. And he wanted to blame that on their estrangement, but he knew it was because he father had hardly spoken to him. Erwin bit his bottom lip hard before he opened his mouth and dragged on his cigarette. It had reached the filter, and he grimaced before tossing the cigarette butt into the toilet. 

Erwin grabbed his phone, stood from the tub, and wiped his feet against the fluffy rug before crossing the bathroom for another cigarette. He set his phone down, pulled out another cigarette and lit it, when his phone rang, slightly vibrating against the counter. Erwin looked at the number, another unfamiliar string of symbols. He dragged from his cigarette and exhaled quickly before answering. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey,” Levi said. Erwin felt an ache from his collar bone down to his groin, some sort of entire body cramp, and he grabbed the counter with his free hand. Slowly, Erwin lowered himself to the floor of the bathroom, sitting on one of the rugs. He leaned his back against the counter and tried to relax. 

“Thank you for calling,” Erwin said. He couldn't even say his name. He wanted to say it. 

“I'm sorry that it took so long,” Levi said. Erwin closed his eyes tightly, involuntarily held his breath, and he forced himself to drag from his cigarette. The smoke would make him breathe. Erwin exhaled roughly, almost coughed, and cleared his throat instead. “Sounds like a rough smoke.” Erwin looked at the cigarette. He wanted to tell him that he had bought Camels. “When did you find out?” 

“Today after school,” Erwin said. He couldn't think of what he wanted to say after that. 

“Did you get a chance to talk to your dad before he died?” Levi asked. Erwin closed his eyes, and the image was so much clearer. He saw Levi, in full uniform, leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed. His arms were always crossed, always holding something back, and Erwin knew how to spread them apart. He wanted to do that. 

“It was sudden,” Erwin said. He opened his eyes. He needed to focus on what was in front of him. A bath tub of cold water, and a room that was empty of anything but thick air and smoke. 

“You're up in New York?” 

“Yes,” Erwin said. “I'll be here for the funeral, and then I'll be home before your five days are up.” 

“Don't rush. If you aren't at home when I get there, I'll be around when you get back.” Erwin's eyebrows furrowed, and everything hurt. He forced himself to drag from his cigarette because he would stop breathing again if he didn't. He closed his eyes and saw Levi again. It wasn't the right picture. Those uniforms weren't real anymore. But Levi was still there. “Erwin,” Levi whispered. Erwin opened his eyes. “Say something.” He forced another drag, and exhaled smoothly, focusing on breathing. 

“I wasn't Erwin for a little while today,” he said. 

“Yeah,” Levi said. 

“Is someone listening to your part of our conversation?” Erwin asked. 

“Sort of,” Levi said. Erwin imagined the night supervisor sitting in a nearby chair, reading a magazine, pretending not to listen. 

“I want to think of our first life when things like this happen,” Erwin said. 

“Me too.” 

“I want to think of pushing through the issue with strategy and tactics and relying on the people around me to support the mission,” Erwin said. “Our first life was still more dangerous than this one, but I feel paralyzed now in a way that I've never felt.” 

“More paralyzed than the time you sat down on that crate and told me your regrets?” Levi asked. 

Erwin went back to that moment, the way that Levi looked with one knee down in the dirt, with his head hardly lifted. And Erwin remembered how good it felt to finally be free from the burden that he had held onto so tightly. Levi had given him permission to give up on his dream. To give up the guilt of causing his father's murder. To die with peace. 

“I don't think you could ever be more confused than you were back then,” Levi said. “Even with all of the shit that you have to put up with now, you can't compare it to watching the world fall apart around you.” Erwin dragged from the cigarette, ash falling from the tip and dropping down into the fibers of the rug, staining the white fabric, reminding him of the way buildings exploded and blood stained the dirt. Levi sounded so different and very familiar. “We've only come this far thanks to you.” Erwin swallowed and relaxed his muscles. “For the veterans, it started with you.” Erwin dragged from his cigarette again. He heard another voice through the phone, far away and distorted. And he heard Levi's heavy breath. “I can't talk much longer.” 

“Levi.” 

“Hmm.” 

“You're coming home?” 

“Yeah,” Levi said. Erwin swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat. “Erwin.”

“Yes,” he said, clearing his throat. 

“Say my name again. No one here says it right.” Erwin took a breath. He wanted to say it right. He missed saying Levi's name. He avoided saying it too often. Saying it to anyone else but Levi didn't have the same affect. 

“Levi.” 

“Erwin,” Levi whispered. “You don't have to be the Commander all of the time.” Erwin nodded. “Is everyone on their way up there?” 

“Just Mike.” 

“Good,” Levi said. “I've gotta go.” 

“Okay.” 

“See you later.” 

“Good night, Levi.” 

Erwin heard the phone call end, and he took the phone from his ear. He watched the screen fade to black, and he dragged from his cigarette one final time before he threw it in the toilet. 

Then, he sat on the floor and replayed the conversation in his head, with the image of Levi in uniform, the way Levi looked up at him. Erwin lifted his head and glanced around the room after reliving the conversation twice. He stood from the floor, drained the tub, and he had a proper shower. 

He laid down after that, on top of the soft comforter, and he alternated between closing his eyes and imagining Levi and opening his eyes to think of funeral plans. He had never planned a funeral before. In the Corps, any bodies that were unclaimed were burned. Parents were responsible for burying their children back then. He remembered that his first father had a really nice funeral. Erwin barely cried for at that funeral. But he cried every night after that until he was eight. 

Three hours later while Erwin laid in bed in his new sleeping clothes, staring at the ceiling, Mike texted to let him know that the plane had landed. Forty minutes after that, Mike called to let Erwin know that he was outside the house. Erwin ignored his mother, who was still reading in the same place, as if she hadn't move the entire time. 

At the front door, Mike hugged him, and Erwin hugged back. When they parted, Mike looked around the house. Erwin couldn't remember the last time Mike had seen it. But they walked together, without saying anything, into the living room where Erwin's mother was still reading. 

“Hello, Mrs. Scott,” Mike said. Erwin's mother lifted her head, looked at both of them, and nodded. 

“Hello,” she said. Her eyes moved back to Erwin, and she stared. When Erwin met her stare, he realized just how similar he looked to her. 

“Do you remember Mike?” Erwin asked. 

“No, I'm sorry,” she said, smiling politely at Mike. Erwin's eyebrows furrowed. Granted, she hadn't seen Mike since he and Erwin were in high school. And she had only seen Mike a few times. Mike didn't like staying at Erwin's house. But Erwin didn't expect such a cold response. She didn't even remember Mike's legal name. “It's nice to see you again.” Mike nodded, and his eyes cut to Erwin. 

Erwin turned from her, began walking down the hallway to the stairs, and Mike followed closely. When they were upstairs, Erwin tried to remember if there was a room with two beds in it. The house had been changed over the years, and he began opening doors to look. 

“What are you looking for?” Mike asked. 

“A room with two beds,” Erwin said. Mike passed by him and started checking too. Mike took one side of the hallway, and Erwin took the other. All of the rooms they checked had king sized beds. Erwin avoided his childhood bedroom and his mother's room. When all of the rooms were checked, Erwin looked to Mike. “What room would you like to use?” 

“Yours,” Mike said. 

“My childhood room?” Erwin asked. 

“No, the one you're sleeping in,” Mike said. Erwin nodded. “We could go to a hotel if you want to. I'll pay for it.” Erwin shook his head. 

“If you're comfortable with it, I'd like to stay here,” he said. Mike sniffed. Erwin led the way to the room he was using, and Mike hung up his suit carrier and dropped his carry-on bag next to the closet. 

“I'm going to need an iron for that suit,” Mike said. 

“I didn't think to bring a suit,” Erwin said, closing the bedroom door. Both of them went to the bed and laid down. “I'll have to buy one.” Mike plugged his phone up to charge and set it face down on the nightstand. “I forgot a charging cable. And I'll rent a car.” He looked at his phone. It had been inactive most the day. It would last through the night probably. 

“I'll go with you,” Mike said. He sniffed again. “I don't remember her very well, but was she always that way?” 

“No.” 

“You need a haircut too.”

Erwin ran his fingers through his hair. He wanted to wait until Levi could cut it. But that seemed like a lot to ask. 

******

Erwin didn't sleep well. Partially, because Mike was a selfish bed partner. But mostly because he spent the night wondering why they had mutually decided to share a room without any prior discussion, without any real reason. Sometimes Levi would come back to mind, and he would attempt to ask Levi what he thought. As well as he knew Levi, sometimes it was difficult to imagine an answer. 

_You're both acting like babies. Her husband died. She's fucked up over it._

That was as close as he came to an answer, but it didn't fit. In a healthy, functioning family that was a reasonable theory, but this was something else. So Erwin had sat up in bed with his back to the headboard, arms crossed over his belly, considering options and napping lightly during the few times that Mike rolled away from him for a while. 

Mike's alarm for work made Erwin wince, and he opened his eyes, looking at a room that was brighter than he expected. That meant he had gone to deep sleep for a while, and his back was aching. 

Mike grunted at the alarm, almost as a warning bark, but that didn't stop it from sounding. So Mike reached out flipped the phone over, turned off the alarm, and let his arm slump back to the bed. 

“How long have you been awake?” Mike asked, coughing afterwards, throat thick with sticky cigarette phlegm. 

“I'm not sure,” Erwin said. He cleared his throat. He needed to stop smoking. However, there was almost a whole pack left, and that couldn't be wasted. 

Mike sat up in bed, leaning over to try to help his body get the collected mucus from the back of his throat, coughing once so hard that Erwin winced. He had forgotten about the morning cigarette cough. He couldn't remember if Levi coughed in the morning. 

Erwin narrowed his eyes and closed them again, resting while he heard Mike stand to go to the bathroom. Once more, Levi came back to him, dressed in uniform, but sitting on the other side of his desk this time. It was a fantasy that he entertained often and sometimes hated while Levi had been gone. He wanted it this time. Erwin knew that he was the more thoughtful one between the two of them, and he considered himself to be an internal processor. But sometimes he needed to say it aloud, even if it was only to Levi's image. 

_There's something really wrong with her._

_You're moving too fast._

_That's a strange thing to hear from a man who functions so often on pure instinct, Levi._

Levi blinked, and Erwin saw his pupils dilate. 

_This isn't the first time that I've told you to slow down. Or told you to stop moving and wait. You're not running out of time anymore. You don't have to be a Commander today._

Erwin opened his eyes when he heard the toilet flush. The shower started, and he decided to wait to talk to Levi until later. The next thing he needed to do was peel himself away from the bed and stretch his sore muscles. 

When he first stood from the bed, he felt like he might fall to his knees. The ache in his back was intense. But he stretched out carefully, and some of the pain eased away. He expected to be sore the rest of the day thought. 

Erwin left the room to go downstairs to the laundry room and collect the rest of his clothing. The house had a silence that was oppressive, which was strange to him, considering that he had been living in a very quiet house by himself for almost four months. This house also lacked warmth. At least his own home seemed to have some substance. 

He heard movement and couldn't pinpoint the sound at first. The sound was becoming more clear as he was walking, and he realized it was the sound of someone in the kitchen. He walked through the archway and looked into the room. A man, older than Erwin, dressed in business casual clothing, with short brown hair, was taking dishes from the dishwasher and putting them away. 

“Hello,” Erwin said. The man fumbled, almost dropping a dish, startled. He turned around and looked. Erwin raised his eyebrows. 

“Hello,” the man said, his dark eyebrows pulling together in confusion. They both looked at each other for a few more moments before Erwin decided they couldn't continue without asking the question. 

“Who are you?” 

“The housekeeper. Who are you?” 

“Hattie's son.” 

“Oh,” he said, smiling. “I didn't know she had a son. Or that you were here.” He shook his head. “She must be devastated.” 

“My name is Ean,” Erwin said. 

“I'm Tim,” he said. “I've been working for your parents for about three months.” Tim offered up one of his hands that had a yellow plastic glove on it. “Can I give you handshake later? I hate taking these things off before I'm done.”

“Sure.” 

“It's nice to meet you.” 

“It's nice to meet you as well,” Erwin said. “Have you seen my mother today?” 

“Oh, yeah. I think she went to buy an outfit for the funeral,” Tim said, his sentence trailing off. 

“Thank you.” Erwin didn't know how to end the conversation, so he nodded before he turned away to leave. Tim didn't seem bothered a bit by it. 

Erwin went to the laundry room and collected the clothing he bought to take it upstairs and dress for the day. When he was back in his room, Mike was already dressed, putting on his shoes. 

“Your toothbrush is next to the sink,” Mike said. 

“Thank you.” 

Erwin used the toilet, showered, brushed his teeth, dressed, still focused on his mother the entire time. He didn't ask Levi any more questions, even though he saw him again while he showered. Levi had an aversion to rain, still did in a way, but Erwin liked watching drops of water drip from Levi's hair. 

******

Erwin didn't expect stores to be so busy on a Thursday, but there were a lot of families in town. Seeing all of the teenagers at the outlet mall made him think of his students at home. He wasn't worried about having the exam proctored. But he hoped that he had helped them prepare for the exams as much as possible. He made several versions of each exam, and all of them were the same difficulty level. Still, some of his students had difficulty with exam language. He didn't know how to fix it. 

Buying a suit and a charging cable for his phone didn't take very long, but renting the car took a bit of their time. He and Mike had a big lunch at eleven since they skipped breakfast. As soon as they put in their orders, he received a text message. 

_Mother: Will you be available to go to the funeral home to help make arrangements later today?_

“Who is it?” 

“My mother.” Erwin didn't look at Mike, but he heard the tone in his own voice. He needed to gain more control over it. 

_Erwin: Yes. What time?_

_Mother: 2:00 pm?_

_Erwin: Send me the address_

“Mike,” Erwin said. Mike had a mouth full of salad, but he made eye contact. He had been texting Nanaba, and probably Hange, Moblit, and Petra too. “We're making the arrangements at two today.” Mike nodded. “If she plans the funeral for next week, then I would be fine if you went home.” Mike frowned and hurried with chewing so he could swallow. 

“Why would it be next week?” 

“I'm not sure,” Erwin said. He had an idea. It could be that she was absolutely cold to him because she wanted him to stay longer. 

Their entrees had been served by the time she sent him the address. 

******  
It surprised Erwin when she planned the funeral for the next day without a wake. There was no graveside service because his father was going to be cremated. She chose a very beautiful and expensive coffin to burn along with the body. But the burial rituals that she chose were focused on expediency. 

During the process of making the arrangements, Erwin felt Mike's eyes. And he felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. His mother was brief. When she spoke, she only said a few words at a time, and she only used statements. She didn't ask a single question. Once, Erwin caught her blatantly staring at him, and he met the stare, without any understanding of what he was doing. Their staring match was interrupted by the funeral director, who accidentally dropped his professional, understanding facade and allowed his voice to raise higher than the low, somber whisper that he had been using. 

Erwin chose not to look at her much after that, but he felt Mike standing closer to him. That was when he missed Levi most. He barely heard what the funeral director said after that. He tried to imagine Levi's reaction. Levi had a special duality. There were times that Levi lacked tact at all, choosing to cut to the heart of the problem rather than being diplomatic. But other times, Levi displayed empathy in a way that Erwin had rarely seen in anyone else. 

The funeral director rushed them through the rest of the process, including the payment. And when Erwin felt like he wasn't needed anymore, he left the funeral director's office, Mike close to his side. He looked at the generic paintings which hung on the wall on their way out of the building. 

Mike's didn't say anything when they were in car, but Erwin could practically hear Mike thinking. He wanted to know. 

“How did that look from your perspective?” Erwin asked. He saw Mike shrug from his peripheral vision. 

“She looked at you like she was waiting on something,” Mike said. “And you looked at her like you didn't appreciate the way she was looking at you.” Erwin nodded. “You still need a hair cut by the way.” Erwin took one hand from the steering wheel and touched his hair. He wanted to wait on Levi, but he couldn't. 

“Google a barber shop.” 

******

The next morning, Erwin went downstairs while Mike used the bathroom. He had another night of little sleep, but he rested better than he had the night before. Rather than sitting up in bed this time, he had actually decided to lay down. 

He paused in the doorway of the kitchen. His mother was sitting at the white marble island bar, staring at a cup of coffee between her two hands. And for the first time since his father died, she looked upset. 

“Good morning,” Erwin said. Hattie looked away from her coffee cup, to him, and her eyebrows pulled together before she looked back down at the cup. 

Erwin crossed the kitchen to the coffee pot and poured himself a cup. He leaned against the counter, looking at her, while he drank. Hattie drank her coffee, without a word, without even glancing at him. 

“I met Tim yesterday,” Erwin said. Hattie drank from her cup. Erwin stared at her, waiting for a response. There wasn't a time before then that he had looked at her and really tried to see her. He resented her, and he realized that the night before. But he accepted that and decided it was time to let go. They had barely spent any time together or spoken to each other in recent years, and he didn't expect that to change since his father died. 

He had always known that he looked more like his mother than his father. When he was younger, he stared at pictures of both of them, trying to find similarities between the three of them, trying to bond even when they were away. He had obviously gotten his nose from his mother. His eyes as well. The color of his hair. 

Hattie's long blond hair had a slight curl at the ends, and she dressed mostly in white, typically clothing that hung off of her loosely. She was very slim, and Erwin wondered if she wore loose clothing to mask how thin she was. 

“Will there be a lot of people at the funeral?” Erwin asked. 

“Yes,” she said, finally looking at him. Erwin kept his facial expression neutral, even though he saw the resentment in her eyes. 

Erwin's mind began sorting through reasons, quickly. Maybe he had been the reason she stayed in the marriage. That happened often enough, didn't it? His father wasn't easy to get along with by any means. In France, he had attempted to bond with his father, only to be met with cold indifference or pure annoyance. His mother never had any more children, by choice he guessed. 

“Why are you staring at me?” she asked. Erwin blinked, coming back to the present. 

“I guess we both have the habit of staring at people when we're trying to sort something out,” he said. Hattie looked back to her cup and drank some more of her coffee. “Is that why you've been giving me strange looks?” 

“No,” she said. 

“Why then?” Erwin asked, drinking some more of his coffee. 

“I just think it's interesting that we're so similar despite barely being around each other,” she said. Erwin took his cup from his mouth, and he couldn't stop from raising his eyebrows. He didn't expect her to admit neglect so willingly. To admit it at all, really. 

Hattie took one of her hands from her coffee cup, jostled the watch on her left wrist towards herself and looked at the time. She drained her cup, stood from the island, and left the room without looking at him again. Erwin cringed. Everything about the moment felt ugly. 

He poured himself some more coffee, poured a cup for Mike, and went back up the stairs. When he walked through the door of the room he and Mike were sharing, Mike was talking on the phone, sitting on the bed. He was listening to someone, and he was already wearing his suit pants, but no shirt. Erwin crossed the room and sat the cup of coffee on the nightstand on Mike's side of the bed. 

Mike immediately picked up the cup and drank some. Erwin sat in the wingback chair in one corner of the room. It felt new. He wondered how often it was used. While he drank his second cup of coffee, he wondered what his mother would do with the house. It was too big for two people, much too big for only one person. If she decided to stay here, she could rent out some of the rooms. 

“I don't know what to say, other than what I've said before. We'll just keep trying,” Mike said. Erwin looked to Mike, and he saw that Mike's nose was wrinkled. “I want to keep trying. I'm only saying that worrying about it so much won't make you more fertile.” Erwin winced before he drank some more of his coffee to try and cover some of his face. Mike took the phone from his ear and looked at it. He dropped the phone on the bed and drank some of his coffee. Erwin glanced at him, and Mike returned the look. “In our first life, all she ever talked about was not getting pregnant.” Erwin nodded. 

“For good reason.” 

“I don't know why she feels like she has to have a baby right now,” Mike said. 

“That's part of this culture, I think,” Erwin said. “Get married. Have a baby.” 

“Plenty of people never have children,” Mike said. “And they're happy anyway. But now she's talking about fertility treatment. We've both been fully checked. There isn't anything physically wrong with either of us.” 

“Having children isn't right for everyone,” Erwin said. He wished that he hadn't allowed his own thoughts to seep into the conversation, but Mike didn't seem to notice. “Give her some time.” Mike nodded before drinking his coffee. After he swallowed, he shook his head. 

“There are times that she's exactly the way she used to be,” Mike said. “But there are days that she's completely a stranger.” 

“I think everyone has days like that,” Erwin said. “Not just us. It impacts us more because we have another life to compare.” Mike nodded. 

“Yeah,” he said. “I would take arguing with my wife over Titans every day.” One corner of Erwin's mouth tilted up. He wanted to say that he agreed. And then he thought of Levi's words. He tried to decide if his current situation was more painful than sitting on a crate in a war zone and admitting all of his regrets, all of his guilt. 

If Levi had been there, the answer would have been no. Without Levi, he wasn't sure. 

******

Hattie, Erwin and Mike were shown into the sanctuary of the funeral home first. Hattie scheduled fifteen minutes for the family viewing. The funeral director suggested that she take more time, and she wouldn't. 

The three of them walked down the aisle, Erwin and Mike both in black suits. Hattie wore a modest, long black dress, her hands clasped in front of her. Erwin and Mike stayed back while she approached the coffin. 

Erwin couldn't see her response while he was standing behind her, but he wondered if she emoted even a little. She stared at his father for a few minutes before she moved away from the coffin. 

After she sat down in the front pew, Erwin and Mike walked to the coffin together. Erwin kept his backbone straight while he looked down at his father. His father was dressed in a black suit, and he had gained a noticeable amount of weight. Whoever had done the makeup had tried their best to hide the dark circles under his father's eyes, but the gray tint was still there. His brown hair had thinned out. He did look very peaceful, which was unusual. Erwin remembered the way his father frowned when he napped on the couch. But Erwin didn't blame the mortician for not knowing that. 

When Erwin walked away from the coffin, Mike followed him, and they both sat down on the front pew, waiting for the mourners. Then, Erwin noticed the flowers all around the room. He had been staring so intently at his mother's back that he had missed them. There were more flower arrangements than he cared to take time to count. Sunflowers, roses, carnations, hydrangeas, calla lilies, orchids, and bluebells. Erwin liked bluebells the best. Those were the ones he recognized. There were many more that he didn't. Mike was looking around too. 

Erwin wanted to ask if his father was that popular, but he felt like the silence shouldn't be broken. However, it turned out to be one of the longest ten minute periods he ever experienced. 

Mourners began filing in through the door, and his mother stood up from the bench and positioned herself next to the coffin. Erwin stayed seated, but he knew that he if wanted to stand, Mike would go with him. He thought back to the times that Mike followed him before they knew who they were. And he knew that even if he had never found Levi, even if they had never remembered, Mike would still be sitting next to him. That was the only thought that gave him comfort. 

A line of people began forming in front of his mother. The first few didn't look at Erwin. But then a man, who was crying, approached Hattie. She comforted him. Erwin watched, his back firmly pressed against the red, padded back of the pew. When the man turned away from Hattie, he walked over to Erwin and leaned down. 

“You're Dean and Hattie's son?” he asked in a low tone. Erwin nodded. 

“I'm Ean Scott.” 

“I'm so sorry,” the man said, sniffling. “Your father was such a good man. I started crying as soon as I heard the news.” Erwin's mouth dried out. The man sniffled again, dabbing at his face with his handkerchief. Erwin wanted to look somber, but he was so shocked that he couldn't form a facial expression. The man clapped him on the shoulder and walked away, continuing to dab his face with his handkerchief. Erwin looked down at his lap, trying to decide how he should feel. 

But then another mourner approached him. A young woman. 

“Ean Scott?” she asked. Erwin looked up at her. 

“Yes.” 

“I'm Tracy Sommers. I worked with your father a couple of years ago. I'm so sorry for your loss.” 

“Thank you,” Erwin said. She patted him on the shoulder, and before he could look down again, another mourner approached. He didn't memorize their names or faces. He knew he wouldn't see them again. But when an elder woman approached him, said her name, her relation to Dean's work, and then asked if Mike was his husband, Erwin's attention was focused again. 

“Wh- Oh, no,” he said. “This is my best friend, Mike.” 

“Oh,” she said, blushing. “I'm so sorry. Your mother said this was your husband.” Erwin noticed Mike sitting up straighter in his seat. 

“She's very upset,” Erwin said. “I don't think she realizes what she's saying.” The elderly woman nodded. 

“So your wife couldn't be here?” 

“I'm not married,” Erwin said. 

“I'll be praying for Hattie, and for you two,” she said. 

Another ten mourners passed before someone else came to him with false information. A man at least ten years his senior. 

“Your mother says that you work for the space center in Houston,” he said. 

“No,” Erwin said, shaking his head. “No, she's confused. All of this has been really hard on her.” Erwin looked over the man's shoulder and saw Hattie staring at him, not even looking at the mourner who was standing in front of her, holding her hands. Erwin looked back to the man in front of him. “She's very tired.” The man nodded, said something about understanding, and excused himself quietly. 

The very next mourner in line stated her name, relation to his father, and just before she asked her question, he felt Mike's hand on his back. 

“Your mother said that your father didn't get to see you before he died,” she said. Erwin nodded. That was true, at least. “But he's in a better place. And if you're worried about relapsing at all, please tell her to call me. I have connections to a rehab facility that had me off pills in fifteen days. It was excellent.” Erwin continued to nod. He said thanks. But he only focused on Mike's hand on his back. 

Mike leaned over to him. 

“Let's go outside. I want to smoke,” he said. Erwin shook his head. He endured the promenade of mourners who had been told that he was addicted to crack cocaine, he was in the CIA, he ran an orphanage, he and Mike were married. He only nodded and said thanks. 

When the line began thinning out, he stood, Mike stood with him, and they walked towards the nearest exit that was close by, specifically for overwhelmed family members. Erwin had a lighter up to his cigarette before he was even out the door, and Mike was right behind him. Mike leaned against the door, as if he was going to stop a horde of people from following them. Erwin scratched his forehead with the thumb of his cigarette hand. He stared at the toes of his new shoes. Levi would have done a better polish. 

He wanted Levi. He wanted someone to ask the question he was thinking. He wanted to hear Levi's voice. 

_What the fuck, Erwin?_

That question summed up his entire experience with his mother. From the time he was five until now. 

“She's doing that purposely,” Mike said. Erwin nodded before his dragged on his cigarette. He popped the capsule in the filter and dragged again. “Do you know why?” 

“For a reaction,” Erwin said. 

“But why?” 

Erwin shook his head. 

Mike pulled out his cellphone. Erwin looked at him. He saw Mike's thumbs fly over the keyboard, a couple of taps, and then his phone was back in his pocket. 

“How is Nanaba?” Erwin asked. He wanted to think of anything else besides what was inside of the building. 

“Not pissed anymore,” Mike said. Mike dragged from his cigarette. 

“Mike.” 

“Hmm.” 

“Earlier, I was thinking,” Erwin said. “About how you would be here with me even if you never found Nanaba.” Mike blew smoke out of his nose, and the look of his eyes changed only slightly. 

“Yeah.” 

“Thank you,” Erwin said. Mike nodded. “I know this has been unpleasant for both of us. But there was a time, after you died, when I knew I would never see you again.” Erwin swallowed when Mike started shaking his head. “You're here with me anyway.” Mike cringed, and he looked at the ground, dragging from his cigarette again. “I talked to Levi the day you came up.” Erwin reached up and rubbed at his eyes. “I want him here.” _Selfish._

“I do too,” Mike said. “He would've talked you into staying at a hotel.” Erwin smiled, laughed a little. “He probably would have attacked your mother at this point though.” Erwin nodded, staring at the cigarette, Levi's brand of cigarette, between his shaking fingers. 

“He never would have agreed to come,” Erwin said. “He can only stand so much.” Erwin rubbed his face once more before he let his free hand drop. 

“Do you want to leave?” 

Erwin dragged from his cigarette. 

“When my father died, my first father,” Erwin looked at Mike, and Mike nodded. “I knew it was my fault, and I thought if I could prove his theories, I would forgive myself.” Mike kicked at the dirt, dragged on his cigarette, occupying his body to stop himself from arguing. “I forgave myself when Levi said it was alright to let go of that dream. He barely said anything to me, but I understood. If I leave now, I won't have any answers.” 

“Do you have to have them?” Mike asked. Erwin thought about it. He thought about leaving that moment, going back to the house, collecting their things, riding the plane back with Mike. If Levi decided to come back, Erwin could tell him about it. He could describe everything and watch someone express the outrage that he felt himself and refused to release. If he had learned anything from his first life, then he could believe that not having answers was best sometimes. But he obviously hadn't learned anything because he still wanted to go inside, still wanted to know why his mother had done these things. He wanted to know more about her. 

“Yes,” Erwin said. Mike nodded, dragging from his cigarette again. 

They finished their cigarettes, and Mike didn't say anything else. He only opened the door for Erwin to walk back inside. And Erwin didn't hesitate. He wanted to know. He felt like he needed to know. 

When they walked back into the sanctuary, Hattie was sitting in the front pew. Erwin and Mike took their seats back, and they waited patiently for the funeral service to start. He glanced at Hattie a few times. She looked unimpressed. 

Erwin didn't listen to the eulogy from the stranger, and he thought of Levi during the funeral. He wondered if Levi would be disappointed to know that he still couldn't let go. He knew he was a hypocrite. He had sent Levi away for something that couldn't be simply let go. Rightfully, Levi could say that Erwin needed to go to rehabilitation for a relentless desire for information that could hurt him. Because Erwin knew that nothing he learned would be good. 

******

After the funeral, everyone was invited back to Hattie's home for a light lunch. When Erwin and Mike walked into the house again, with Hattie in front of them, Erwin smelled food. She had paid someone to cater. 

He and Mike went to their room and stayed there for the entire function, with the door closed, Mike texting Nanaba and Erwin reading. 

“I'm planning on leaving in the morning,” Mike said. “Are you going with me?” Erwin put his phone down and stared at the ceiling while he thought about it. 

“I don't know if she'll talk to me while you're still here,” Erwin said. 

“Let me check flights,” Mike said. His thumbs began moving on his phone again. 

Erwin thought of Levi. He heard Levi's voice. 

_Go with Mike. Don't stay._

“There's a flight tonight at six,” Mike said. “I'll go. You get your answers, and then get on the flight home at ten. That should be plenty of time.” Mike looked at him, and Erwin nodded. He reached to the nightstand, grabbed his wallet, and gave it to Mike. 

“Pay for both of them with my credit card,” Erwin said. 

Mike paid for both flights with Erwin's card and sent Erwin's flight information to his email. Erwin looked at the flight information. He would get home that night after midnight. But he would sleep in his own bed. And Levi might come home on Monday. 

Erwin got a notification of a Skype message. It was Armin. He wanted to know if Erwin could visit soon. He felt the pang of guilt. He had forgotten all about Armin. 

Erwin hoped Mike wasn't looking at his phone when Mike handed the wallet back. But Erwin took his credit card out again, looked at his calendar, chose the date, booked the flight. Then, he gave the flight information to Armin. 

“Nanaba, Hange, Moblit, and Petra are all asking about you,” Mike said. Erwin turned the screen of his phone off and laid it on his chest. 

“If we're going home tonight, I'm fine,” Erwin said. 

Erwin and Mike didn't leave the room until it was time for Mike to go to the airport. On their way out of the house, they both saw Hattie sitting in the living room, reading another book. She was dressed in her typical fashion rather than her black clothing from earlier. She lifted her eyes and saw the luggage in Mike's hand. 

“Time to go?” she asked. 

“I'll be back,” Erwin said. “I'm taking Mike to the airport.” She nodded and smiled. 

“Goodbye,” she said. Mike nodded, and Erwin turned away from her, leading Mike out of the house. 

******

When Erwin returned to his mother's home, he sat in his car a while. He stared at the clock. He only had a few hours to get years of information, and he didn't know why he was hesitating. But he closed his eyes and thought of Levi. Levi leaning with his back against the door, trying to convince Erwin not to go to Shiganshina, giving him a reason not to go, an excuse. Erwin insisted on seeing things himself. As always. In Erwin's imagination, Levi didn't offer to break his legs. Levi offered to burn the house down instead. It was more of a threat. He didn't want Erwin to go back into Hattie's house. Erwin wasn't sure why he couldn't listen. 

Erwin opened his eyes and got out of the car. When he went back into the house, it was silent except for some minor movement in the kitchen. He went to the entryway of the kitchen and saw his mother making a plate of white rice and fish. 

“Have some food,” she said. Erwin looked at what she was having and decided against it, but he followed her to the dining room when she picked up her plate and wine glass. He sat at the dining table that sat sixteen. He remembered when Levi commented that Erwin's dining table was too big for one man. He wondered what Levi would say this time. 

Hattie began eating, putting her fork down between bites, staring at nothing on the table while she chewed. Erwin watched her, not trying to hide that he was staring anymore. She looked dislocated from everything around her. He considered that maybe she was experiencing atypical grief, which could be dangerous in some circumstances. And he decided that concern would be the easiest way to start the conversation. 

“Mother,” Erwin said. Hattie raised her blue eyes from the wood of the table and turned them to her son. An automatic smile spread across her face, but it still looked robotic. “I think I should call a doctor for you.” Erwin caught the gentle movement near her mouth, but he couldn't read it. He had never seen a human being as emotionally flat as his mother. 

“That's not necessary, Ean,” she said. Hattie pressed her fork into her fish, separating a dainty bite before lifting it to her mouth. Erwin's clenched his teeth together. Grief came in many forms, but he simply didn't recognize what he was seeing. When his mother put her fork down on the plate to lift her napkin to her mouth, Erwin watched her movements carefully. Hattie returned her hands to the table after she put her napkin back in her lap, and Erwin reached out. He put his large hand over the top of her delicate fingers. At first, Hattie didn't seem to realize that he was there until she looked to see why she couldn't move her hand. She frowned at his hand. 

“Mother,” Erwin said, finally. “I'm very concerned for you.” Hattie wiped her mouth with her napkin again before she spoke. 

“You shouldn't be,” she said. She pulled her hand out from under his. 

“I'm unable to tell if you are grieving or if you feel anything at all,” Erwin said. Hattie rolled her eyes as if he had made the most moronic observation she had ever heard. Erwin raised his own eyebrows then. 

“Ean,” Hattie huffed. She shook her head in disbelief. “Recall a time for me that I have ever been emotional,” she challenged. “Go ahead and think about it. I'll wait.” She picked up her fork and began working on her meal again. Erwin was stunned and could barely process her words. He searched his memories of his mother. 

Erwin had spent much more time with his mother in comparison to his father. When he was younger, his mother seemed to be happier. 

“You always smile when you greet me,” Erwin said. “You're happy to see me.” 

“No,” Hattie shook her head. “I smile at you because I wanted you to be attached to me. If you want your child to be attached to you, you approach them, smile and speak in an affirmative manner.” Erwin sat back farther in his chair. “It obviously didn't work.”

“You're,” Erwin paused and even shook his head. This puzzle was absolutely new. He had no idea that his mother felt this way. “Are you saying that you were kind to me because you read the Ainsworth study?”

“Yes,” Hattie said. Hattie lifted her wine glass and took a sip of her Moscato. Erwin furrowed his eyebrows, and when Hattie saw that she looked thoroughly annoyed. “You are old enough to figure this out on your own, Ean.” 

“I don't believe that age has much to do with this,” Erwin said. Hattie nodded and took another swallow of her wine, a much bigger one. She set her wine glass back down. 

“Let's have a candid talk about our family then,” Hattie said. She took the napkin from her lap and set it to the side of her plate. “Ask any question you like. That's why you stayed. Not because you're concerned.” The question instantly burned at the back of Erwin's throat. He hesitated. If he jumped for the exact question he wanted, he could receive unexpected results, and it would throw him off. He needed to start with a question that wasn't so emotionally charged. 

“How did you meet father?” Erwin asked. Hattie smiled. She even blushed, and Erwin relaxed a bit. If she was blushing, it must have been a good memory. Maybe she had been healthy at that time. 

“As you know, my own parents had a bit of money,” Hattie said. “And I was expected to attend certain parties.” Erwin nodded, leaning forward, more interested in the story. “The party was horrifically boring, and I stepped out onto one of the porches to have a cigarette. I was planning to leave soon, and I wanted to smoke a cigarette to make sure that I smelled of smoke before I went home. Nothing irritated my father more than the scent of a cigarette on a woman's skin.” Erwin nodded. That was one piece in place. “This young woman and your father came out onto the porch. They were arguing, and she rejected him flatly. I suppose in all of their passion, I was unnoticed. But when she walked away from him,” Hattie paused. She smiled so widely that lines creased near her eyes. Erwin smiled. The uneasiness was still there, but he smiled because she was smiling. He hadn't seen her smile like that in such a long time. “When she walked away from him, he sobbed like a child,” she said, a small laugh escaping her throat. Erwin continued to smile as well, as if it was a beautiful story, but the hairs on the back of his neck stood up. 

“And you comforted him,” Erwin provided. Hattie made direct eye contact with him, and he could see the light flare in her eyes. 

“His misery was absolutely glorious, Ean,” she said. “I have never seen anyone as miserable as your father.” Erwin's smile faded involuntarily, but his face simply fell into the brick stoicism of the Commander. “I know you don't understand.” 

“I'd like to understand,” Erwin lied. He didn't want to understand at all, but he needed to keep her talking. He still had questions. 

“I've never felt real misery,” Hattie said. “Or even true joy. But your father felt all of those things. I hoped that if I stayed around him long enough, I could learn them too. He felt everything so intensely, Ean.” Erwin nodded, as if it began to make more sense. And it did. There was something deeply, pathologically wrong with his mother. He had never noticed. Even if he could argue that he didn't spend much time with her, he couldn't help but feel confused and wonder why he had never noticed. 

“Is that why you are so apathetic now, mother? Because he's not around to feel for you anymore?” Hattie tilted her head back and forth a few times as if she was weighing the question. 

“I do miss the way he would lose his temper over the smallest things,” she admitted. “And I really hoped you would be more like him.” She looked at Erwin. “But you're just like me.” Erwin thought about the past few days, tried to imagine them from an outside perspective. He was like her, in the way that he rarely showed anyone anything. “Your father was such a true, wonderful narcissist,” Hattie said. “He wasn't very good at anything, but he honestly believed that he was. He thought that he was naturally gifted in everything, but he was really only very lucky a few times in his life. He was lucky when he married me, for the money. He was lucky when his business venture simply fell into the right hands. And he was lucky to experience such an emotional life.” Hattie licked her lips before she took another sip of her wine. That smallest motion, of rubbing her tongue over her bottom lip, gave her away. As skilled as she was at hiding things, Erwin saw it. Everyone has a tell. She was telling the truth when she said that she enjoyed seeing people uncomfortable. “Hasn't there ever been a time when you wished you could feel things the way that normal people feel them?” 

“I'm sure you would love to know,” Erwin said. He sat back farther in his chair. “Is that why you've been making the experience of burying my father more difficult than it has to be?” 

“I've been trying to get a reaction from you since you've been here,” she said. “Your father died before you even got off the plane.” Erwin nodded. He hadn't thought of that, but he wanted her to believe that he already knew. “You barely responded to the news. You didn't interfere with any of the plans I made for his body. And I tried my best to get you to react during the funeral, but now everyone only thinks I'm crazy with grief.”

“You probably shouldn't have tried so hard,” Erwin said. Hattie glared at him. “You don't realize how many situations I've been in that required clear, logical decision rather than emotional action.” Hattie clenched her teeth together. 

“I guess not.” 

“Why did you and Dean abandon me?” Hattie shook her head and shrugged. 

“I wanted you to be attached to me, in case you became more like Dean,” she said. “But you're like me. You don't feel anything. And I can't do anything with you.” Hattie drank some more of her wine before setting her glass down again. She held onto the stem. 

“If you really felt nothing, you wouldn't have called me. You wouldn't have been interested in seeing my reactions at all.” Her hand tightened around the stem of her glass. “And aren't you feeling something now?” Hattie looked at him. “Is it devastating to know that you aren't special, you're only an unhealthy widow who lost her only source of entertainment?” 

“I'm not devastated.” 

“But you aren't emotionless,” Erwin said. “What you're claiming to experience is very rare, and that makes you feel special because you're a narcissist too, Hattie.” She continued to tense up, and it made Erwin uncomfortable. He didn't want to watch his mother experience this. But he also didn't want her to believe that she had actually hurt him. Erwin pushed back from the table and stood. 

“You're a monster,” she said. Erwin nodded. 

“I've been called worse by better people than you,” he said. 

“Get out.” 

Erwin walked away from the table, went upstairs to collect a few things, and as he was walking towards the front door, he heard complete silence. He paused in the foyer. He replayed the conversation in his head and knew that some of the things he had said were wrong. He had said them to hurt her. She wasn't a bad person, just very unhealthy. But he wasn't sure what he could say to make everything right. 

He left Hattie's house and drove to the airport. He ate at one of the restaurants in the airport while he waited on his plane. And just before he boarded, he felt a migraine begin in his left temple. The close quarters of the plane didn't help. He was more sensitive to bad smells when he had a migraine. He tried to distract himself by closing his eyes and thinking of laying in bed, in a dark, cool room, at home, with Levi. 

Erwin wasn't sure if Levi would ever allow that again. But it gave him something to think about besides his mother and the stabbing pain in his head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had a case of writer's block that's rooted in insecurity. I'm trying to work past it and bring the next chapter out sooner. 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has continued to read. I hope you'll continue to read until the end.
> 
> Also, shoutout to the reader who predicted that Erwin's dad would die last year? I don't know how you did it.


	33. May 10, 2015

A hangover headache woke Erwin up. He winced against the pain, tried to sleep longer, and his body simply wouldn't allow it. He crawled out of bed, made his way to the bathroom for some ibuprofen and a shower. 

Erwin didn't have much time to recover once he returned home from his father's funeral. He did sleep well once he was in his own bed, despite still being painfully aware of Levi's absence after all of this time. But then, he was focused on what had happened with his students while he was away. 

The day after he returned home he went to the school, only to find that the principal had graded the final exams already. He only needed to add the grades to his gradebook and calculate the final averages. The majority of his students passed his class with B averages. He wasn't surprised by any of the A averages or the one D average in his classes. Overall, he felt like it had been a successful year. 

When that was over, Erwin felt the extreme lack of something to occupy his mind. Levi was coming home. That had been established. The one comfort that he had not allowed himself for 120 days, the belief that Levi would come home, was finally available. But he didn't feel relief. He explored the idea of Levi changing his mind at the last moment. The fantasy became quickly overblown. He drank to try and relax. 

Four months was long enough to make major changes. It was long enough to heal a drug addiction. And it was long enough to alter a relationship forever. Erwin didn't know how to behave. 

The shower helped his headache, and he went back to the bedroom to check his phone, towel wrapped around his shoulders to catch the drops of water from his hair. Erwin sniffed when he turned on the bright phone screen. Hange had already texted him. 

_Hange: Petra is leaving to go get him at 11:00-_

Erwin checked the time. Nine.

_Hange: - and she'll get there at about 14:00. I'm guessing he'll say goodbyes. We're estimating he'll be here anywhere from 17:30 to 18:00. He asked for a big party and if everyone shows up he'll have a huge party._

"Big party," Erwin said to himself. A photo was attached to the next text message. A photo of a letter Levi had sent to Hange. Even seeing his handwriting felt strange. Erwin adjusted his footing.

> _Hange,_
> 
> _A few of my fellow Marines had big parties with their friends when they got home from Iraq and left the military. Beer kegs included. I didn't get one._
> 
> _Will you give me that?_
> 
> _\- Levi_

Erwin sat down on the bed and read the letter again. He stared at the loops in Levi's handwriting. And he wondered why Levi would want a kegger to celebrate coming home from rehab. It didn't make any sense. It was counter-intuitive. Erwin shook his head and dialed Hange.

"Good morning, Er-"

"When did he send you this letter?" 

"Last week. Just before you went to New York," Hange said. Erwin didn't say anything immediately, and he waited for Hange to fill the silence. She didn't. The irritation and confusion, being confronted with such an outrage as soon as he was awake, began to inch up his spine, constricting his lungs. 

"Hange, I am very uncomfortable with the idea of welcoming Levi back home from _rehab with a kegger_." 

"I know," she said. "I am too. Do you want me to tell him no?" Erwin closed his eyes and rubbed his temple which still slightly ached. "I've talked about it with Moblit, Petra, Mike, and Nana, and we've all agreed. He wants to make sure there are plenty of people around to take the attention away from him. He doesn't want it to be a weird welcome home party with six people." Erwin shook his head. 

"It's wrong-" 

"In the Corps, we didn't come home to six people," Hange said. "Not often anyway." Erwin raised his eyebrows and opened his eyes. "We came home to multiple buildings of people. Individual attention was weird for Levi then, and he probably hates it now." Erwin swallowed. "He doesn't want the spotlight." Erwin reached up and rubbed his mouth. He craved a cigarette. That wasn't normal for him. "I would've talked to you about it, but you need to take care of you." He needed to stop smoking before he lost the option.

"Now that school is over, I'm doing fine." 

"I don't really believe that, but okay," Hange said. "And if rehab worked, Levi's probably the most healthy person out of all of us right now." Erwin inhaled deeply and released the breath slowly. "We can handle this Erwin. You can focus on other things." He didn't want to admit that his problem was the lack of things to focus on. "Are you okay?" 

"Yes," he said. "I apologize-" 

"No, I get it," she said. "You haven't been back long, and you had no idea. It's a lot to think about." Erwin nodded. It was time to start lying. 

"And I'll have to leave again the day after tomorrow." 

"Why?" 

"I didn't stay long enough to be present for the reading of the will," Erwin said. "I'll have to go back for that." 

"Alright," she said. "Is there anything that I can do for you?" 

"Not that I can think of," he said. "But thank you for offering." 

"Sure thing. Do you want to come over and help decorate?" 

"I'll be there at five or six," Erwin said. "I have a few things that need to be done here at home." 

"Okay. See you tonight." 

"Good bye, Hange." 

"Bye." 

Erwin ended the call and dropped his phone on the bed. He tried to plan out his day. The house needed to be cleaned desperately. He wanted to start on the kitchen because it was the worst. 

He leaned forward and rested his aching head in his hands. Feeling the control being leeched away. 

******

Erwin expected that parking at Hange's house would be a nightmare. But he only saw a few vehicles parked in the driveway. He parked his vehicle, and then a white van pulled up next to him. Four men and two women exited the van. The women were in dangerously short dresses. And the men wore jeans and simple shirts. A few of them carried bottles of liquor. Erwin looked down at his slacks and buttoned shirt. He chose the outfit because it looked nice with the boots that Levi gave him for Christmas. Erwin wiggled his toes, feeling of the boots on his feet. He watched as the six of them went to Hange's front door and walked through it, and then the van pulled away. 

Hange had hired private transit for the guests she had invited. Erwin stared at his steering wheel for a while. He looked at the time. A few minutes before six. He closed his eyes and thought of Levi. Erwin wasn't interested in going into a home full of people. But he wanted to see Levi. 

He left his vehicle, making sure to lock it, and he went to the front door. When he knocked, he heard a few voices in the house. The door opened. Moblit smiled at him, and Nanaba was behind Moblit. 

"He's almost here," Moblit said. "We're going to surprise him." Erwin smiled and walked into the house. He frowned when he saw how many people were in the house. The entrance was mostly clear, but the common areas were filled with people. He saw a few kegs. 

"I didn't know Hange knew this many people," Erwin said. 

"She doesn't," Moblit said. "We moved everything that we didn't want stolen into her bedroom and locked it." Erwin raised his eyebrows. 

"Five minutes!" Hange yelled. She walked out of the kitchen, saw Erwin, smiled and waved him over. She was dressed in Moblit's clothes again. “Let's get you a drink." Erwin followed her to the kitchen, pushing past people. Hange made someone sitting at the bar move, and Erwin sat down. He unbuttoned his sleeves and rolled them up. Everyone else was in casual attire. His throat felt dry. The kitchen was too loud. He could see people were sitting on the dining room table. There were "Welcome Home" decorations everywhere. 

Hange set a red plastic cup of whiskey and Coke in front of him, and Erwin swallowed a mouthful. Then another. It was a strong drink. 

"When he gets here, we're going to yell surprise," she said. 

"Did you really hire a private van service to transport people here?" Erwin asked. 

"Yes," she said, leaning over the bar. "But at the end of the night, everyone will Uber back home. It's just a safety precaution." Erwin nodded, drinking more. "Slow down." Erwin looked at her when he swallowed. Hange was reading him, and he was tempted to ask her what she saw. Someone reached between them to grab a bottle of water, but Erwin couldn't look away from her. She shrugged. And he nodded. 

"He's here!" Nanaba said.

Erwin winced.

"Everybody shut up!" Hange yelled. The kitchen began to quieten down, and the effect moved slowly into the living room. Hange used her phone to turn off a few lights. Not all of them. There were too many people. But it was dim enough in the room, so quiet, that Erwin felt his heartbeat in his ears. 

Erwin stood from his bar stool carefully, abandoning the drink. He and Hange walked to the entryway together. He felt her hand on his back. Mike nodded at him. They shook hands. Moblit and Nanaba held onto each other, jittering. When a shadow fell over the glass in the door, Erwin stood up taller, and Hange took her hand away. 

The door opened, all of the lights came back on, and the house erupted in one of the loudest collection of voices that Erwin had heard since their first life. But he couldn't speak. 

Levi stood in the doorway, his eyes darting around quickly, and then his gaze settled on Erwin. Right away Erwin noticed that Levi had gained more muscle. Breath caught in Erwin's chest, and he knew that he was going to stare too long. Levi stared at him openly, eyebrows raised, and Erwin couldn't decide what facial expression to make in return. 

But Petra pushed against Levi's back, and he broke the gaze to turn and berate her a bit. Petra pushed Levi farther into the house so she could close the door, and Moblit and Nanaba were moving in towards him. They wrapped their arms around Levi, and he didn't fight. He allowed it. But he did try to walk forward with both of them around him. They let him move forward a bit, but then he had to push them off. Mike offered his hand, and Levi shook it. They exchanged words that Erwin couldn't hear over the roar of people talking. Hange was next, almost knocking Levi over with a forceful hug, and then Moblit, Nanaba, and Petra joined in again. 

Levi allowed it to go on, and Erwin felt a warm feeling in his brain. Levi broke away again. And when he was a foot away, Erwin felt his hands shaking. They stared at each other, and Erwin waited. He wasn't sure what Levi wanted. Erwin wanted to touch him, but he was afraid to move too quickly. The last times that they spoke were horrible, and Erwin wasn't sure what to do. He saw Levi's eyes dart down to his hands.

"I need a cigarette," Levi said. 

"I'll get my drink," Erwin said, turning to go back to the kitchen. The mass of people didn't bother him anymore. They seemed to move around him, and Erwin didn't have to fight his way through. When he grabbed his cup from the island bar, he also picked up a bottle of water. Then, he walked to the back door, where Levi was waiting for him. 

There were more people outside than inside, but it didn't seem as loud. The sound faded into the neighborhood, and Erwin wondered if anyone had called the police with a noise complaint. The back porch, backyard and pool area were dimly lit. He tried to close the door, but then a few people were trying to come out. Erwin moved away from the door and over to Levi, who was standing next to a new butt can. 

Levi lit a cigarette and passed it to Erwin. Erwin took it and put it between his lips. After Levi lit his own cigarette, Erwin offered him the water, and he took it. They both dragged, and Erwin looked at the collection of people, really seeing them for the first time. He exhaled, tried to count, and failed. 

"The next time I say that I want a big party," Levi said. Erwin looked at him. "Remind me that Hange's definition of big is different from mine." Erwin grinned at him, and in the dim light, he saw Levi grinning too. 

"Welcome home," Erwin said. 

"Thanks," Levi said. "How are you?" Erwin shook his head naturally, but he tried to recover.

"I'm well. How are you?" 

"Good," Levi said, nodding. Erwin nodded, but he didn't feel the relief. He kept waiting for it to hit him. He wanted to accept that Levi was home, but he still felt far away. Erwin drank some of his drink, and when he lowered his cup, he saw that Levi was looking at him. But Levi looked away before he said anything, and he leaned against the wall. 

Erwin dragged from his cigarette. He had been smoking too much, and he knew it. Levi looked at his own barely spent cigarette before tossing it. 

"Is there food?" Levi asked. 

"I'm not sure," Erwin said. 

"I'm hungry. Do you want anything?" 

"No, thank you." 

Erwin watched Levi pass by, and he leaned his back against the wall of the house. He watched Levi struggle to get into the house. When he lost sight of him, he watched people near the pool. Most of them were wearing their clothes if they decided to get into the water. A few of them were half dressed. Erwin dragged on his cigarette again. He emptied his drink and winced. The cigarette helped distract him from the burn. 

He tossed his cup in the outside trash can, and then Mike came from the back door. Two drinks in hand. He walked to Erwin and gave him a cup. They tapped cups. Erwin looked in the cup, and it appeared to be straight whiskey. Maybe a shot or a little more than that. He downed it in one swallow and dragged on his cigarette again. Mike lit a cigarette. 

"Levi's inside?" Erwin asked. Mike nodded. 

"Getting some food." 

Erwin swallowed. He stared at the pool and replayed the events in his head. Levi walked into the house, and they made eye contact. They didn't touch. Levi said he wanted to smoke, and Erwin had invited himself outside. There hadn't been an agreement of any kind. It was possible that Levi didn't want to speak to him. Maybe Levi didn't want to see him drinking. Erwin winced. 

He replayed the moments again. Erwin wondered if he was able to read Levi at all anymore. He thought for sure that Levi had wanted him to go with him. 

When he replayed the moments a third time, he wasn't sure. He picked out the flaws in their communication. 

"Erwin." 

Erwin looked at Mike. He was holding out another cup. Erwin tossed the empty one. The new cup had more liquor in it. 

"This is a lot," Erwin said. Mike shrugged. 

"It's a party." Mike tapped his cup against Erwin. Erwin drank the liquor anyway. He tried to drag on his cigarette, but it had burned out against the filter. He frowned at it and dropped it in the bucket. "Do you want another one?" 

Erwin shook his head and drank the liquor in his cup. 

A rush of people headed out the back door and into the pool. In the noise and movement, Erwin couldn't follow what was happening. So many people jumped into the pool at once that water sloshed from the sides. Erwin smiled. 

Mike gave Erwin more cups with some amount of liquor in them. Erwin didn't pay attention to the amount. He wondered about Levi. He replayed the events over and over, trying to find the fault. There had been a break down in communication. He imagined going into the house and demanding attention, but that was inappropriate.

"Wow, it's late," Mike said. Erwin frowned at him. He pulled out his phone to look at the time, but he dropped it. Mike picked it up for him. 

"Thank you." 

"No problem," Mike said, keeping the phone. "Let's go." He started walking away, and Erwin followed him. Slowly. He realized that Mike had his phone, but he didn't mind. He remembered the beach pictures on his phone, and he suddenly wanted it very badly. 

"Mike." 

When Erwin followed Mike into the house, Mike didn't stop to respond. Erwin followed him, and Mike went to the entryway of the house. 

Hange and Levi were standing in the entryway. Levi was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. Hange was talking to him. Levi didn't have a readable facial expression. Hange was obviously talking about Titan research, Erwin decided. He wondered if she had discovered something new. She must have. Levi actually looked a little interested. 

Levi leaned away from the wall. Mike gave Levi Erwin's phone. 

Erwin stopped walking. 

"Time to go home," Hange said with a big smile. "Thank you for coming to the party!" Erwin opened his mouth to respond. Levi pulled Erwin's car keys from his pocket. 

"Ready?" Levi asked. Erwin frowned and tapped his pockets. He hadn't given Levi his keys. He wasn't sure when Levi had taken them. 

"Let's go," Mike said, linking arms with Erwin. Mike escorted Erwin out to his vehicle, and Levi climbed into the driver's seat. Mike tried to help Erwin buckle his seat belt, and Erwin insisted on doing it himself. 

When Levi started the vehicle, Erwin looked at the time. 

Eight-thirty PM. 

He had been drinking and wondering about Levi for over two hours. Erwin wasn't sure how much he drank. But Mike has continued to give him drinks. Erwin knew there was a puzzle piece he was missing. Erwin looked at Levi. Mike closed the passenger door, and Levi put the vehicle in drive. 

A few people were walking around in the driveway, and Levi flashed the headlights at them. They scrambled more or less. Erwin continued to stare. 

When they were pulling away from the cul-de-sac, Erwin couldn't hold back anymore. 

"I'm so sorry, Levi." 

Levi looked at him before turning back to the road. 

"Why?" 

Multiple answers rushed to Erwin's mind, and he tried to choose one. He leaned back in his seat and rested his head against the headrest. Levi lit a cigarette and offered it to Erwin. Erwin took it, and Levi rolled down the passenger window an inch. Then, Levi lit his own cigarette. 

"Tonight was supposed to be about you," Erwin said. It didn't sound right. “It was your welcome home party.” But it sound similar to something that he wanted to say. 

"I've had four months to think about me," Levi said. Erwin swallowed and dragged on his cigarette. 

"The time right after rehab is supposed to be really important, I think," Erwin said. 

"It is." 

"I mean," Erwin dragged on his cigarette again. He wasn't sure what he meant exactly. "I think we're supposed to focus on you for a while longer." The smoke floated out of the window. "Until you're settled." 

"I had a party. Everyone missed me," Levi said. "You missed me the most. Everyone is glad that I'm home. I'm glad to be home. I don't need a lot more than that." Erwin blinked and lifted his head from the headrest. He looked at Levi. Levi glanced at him before taking a turn. 

Erwin openly stared at Levi again. His head was swimming and not only because he drank too much. Levi was being direct. 

"I did miss you." 

"I know," Levi said. 

Erwin frowned. 

"What?" Levi asked. Erwin looked away and out of the window. "Are you going to puke?" 

"No." 

Levi didn't speak again. Erwin's mind filled with questions. He tried to settle on one, but there were too many. He threw his cigarette out of the window. 

Levi pressed the garage remote once they turned onto the road home, and by the time they reached the driveway, the door had risen all of the way. He pulled into the garage, pressing the remote to close the door. 

"Do you need help getting out of the car?" Levi asked. Erwin shook his head. He unbuckled his seat belt and let himself out of the car. He had to adjust to standing upright again, but after a moment, he felt more in control. Erwin closed the door, and he walked around the front of the vehicle. Levi was waiting for him with the door open. 

Erwin took the steps carefully, and Levi waited for him. Once Erwin was inside, Levi closed the door and locked it. 

"Are you staying the night?" Erwin asked. 

"Yeah," Levi said. He walked past Erwin, hanging up the keys, and he went into the kitchen. "Get in here." Erwin stood in place, trying to process. His mind wasn't working quickly enough. There were still pieces missing. 

He walked into the kitchen, and there was a tall glass of water on the island bar for him. Levi was leaning against the counter directly across from it. Erwin walked to the bar stool and sat down. He drank some of the water. When he went to lower the glass, Levi put two fingers under the base of the glass and pressed against it, making Erwin lift the glass again. Erwin drank water until Levi removed his fingers from the glass. 

Then, Erwin set the glass down to catch his breath. He cleared his throat. 

"How is your mom?" Levi asked. Erwin shook his head, drank more water rather than answering. But he emptied the glass, and there was nothing left. Levi still waited. Erwin rubbed his right eye. 

"I'm tired." 

"I bet." 

"Could we wait?" 

"When you're sober, you're better at hiding shit," Levi said. He took the glass and filled it with more water. But he kept it on his side of the bar. 

"This feels like an interrogation." 

Levi shrugged and drank some of the water. He gave the rest to Erwin. Erwin drank it. He realized that he hadn't urinated for a few hours. 

He set the glass down and stood from the bar stool. 

"Gotta piss?" 

"Yes." 

Erwin saw, before he turned, that Levi was shaking his head. The trip to the bathroom was purposely slow. Partly because he wanted to make sure that he aimed well, but he was also avoiding Levi. He hated it. But it was true. 

When Erwin went back to the living room, Levi was laying down on the short part of the sectional, spread out, watching TV. There were two water glasses on the coffee table. 

Erwin went to the couch and sat down on the larger part of it. He drank some of his water. Levi was watching a reality show. 

"I have no idea what's happening," Levi said. Erwin looked at him. "I don't even recognize these people." Erwin looked at the screen. He didn't recognize any of them either. 

"They didn't let you watch television?" Erwin asked. 

"Yeah," Levi said. "But not this. Too much sex." Erwin shook his head. "They didn't want us to fuck each other. So we didn't watch anything that might give us ideas." 

"Oh." 

"It didn't really matter," Levi said. 

"Was there a lot of sex anyway?" 

"Not a lot," Levi said. "But there were a few people who were always willing." Levi flipped through the channels. Erwin wondered if Levi had sex with anyone while he was at rehab. Levi settled on the National Geographic channel, and he turned the volume down. Erwin drank some more water. He tried to imagine Levi having sex with someone he met at rehab. But he had difficulty coming up with the scenario. Was there anyone who could instantly seduce Levi? No. Definitely not. So Levi would have to do all of the work. And it was believable then. He could only hope that Levi hadn't felt the urge while he was away. If he had, Erwin couldn't blame him. But he wanted to hope it wasn't true. 

He set his water glass down and laid down on the couch, with his head towards Levi. He put a pillow under his head and adjusted. Erwin laid his left arm under the pillow. He flexed his fingers and tried to relax. 

A pride of lions attacked a hippo, and Erwin watched them trying to move in a planned way. One of them stood too close to the hippos head, and the hippo whipped around, grabbing the lion by the head. It held its jaws closed while the lion tried to pull free. The other lions scattered at first, and only a few tried to help the other one. None of them were willing to make the kill after that. 

"Erwin." 

Erwin listened to the way Levi's voice sounded. His voice hadn't changed. 

"Hmm."

"I'm really sorry about your dad." 

The show went to a commercial, and Erwin closed his eyes to rest them. He thought of everything that happened when he went to New York. The things that happened while Levi was away. He tried to pick out the pieces that he wanted to tell. He couldn't think of where to start. He could only think of the thing that bothered him the most. 

"My mother is a narcissist," Erwin said. “I didn't realize it.” Erwin stopped talking for a moment. And then, he started at the beginning. He told Levi everything he could remember. Sometimes he had to backtrack. Levi didn't interrupt him or ask any questions. Erwin told him about his childhood, why he and his father weren't on speaking terms. He told Levi that he and Mike had slept in the same bed when they went to New York, like they were children. He briefly worried that Levi would find that as some type of betrayal. And then the thought was gone. By the end of his story, Levi was sitting upright on the couch. 

Levi pulled his legs up onto the couch and crossed them. He leaned forward on his knees. 

“That bitch.” 

Erwin wasn't sure how to respond. He felt nothing for his mother, and Levi's insult didn't hold any weight. 

“Have you spoken to her at all since you've been home?” Levi asked. Erwin shook his head. “Do you plan on ever speaking to her again?” Erwin hadn't thought of it. He rubbed his eyes. 

“I'm not sure,” he said. “I've told Hange that I'm going back to New York for the reading of the will. But I'm actually planning to go to Australia to see Armin.” Erwin tilted his head back and looked at Levi. His eyelids were heavy, but he saw Levi so clearly. And he wanted to touch him. His hair looked so soft. Levi was looking directly at him. “I'm telling you because you should know. And if you want to go with me, you can.” He felt like if he could touch Levi, then it would all be real. 

“How long is the plane trip?” 

“25 hours, I think,” Erwin said. Levi shook his head. 

“Fuck that,” he said. Erwin smiled at him. And his eyelids were heavier. “I don't think you should go this soon.” Levi rubbed his thumb against his bottom lip. Erwin wanted to kiss his lips. He wanted to kiss that thumb. “You should wait.” 

“It's unfair to try and convince me tonight,” Erwin said. Levi shrugged. “I can't think of another time that I could go without too many questions. I don't enjoy lying to them. But I can't let them know everything.” He saw Levi's eyes move. Erwin glanced at the television, just to have something to do. When he looked back at Levi, he saw the questions.

“Are you sure that it can't wait?” Levi asked. 

“I think Armin is having trouble coping,” Erwin said. 

“So are you.” 

“But-” 

“Don't play the Commander card,” Levi said, shaking his head. “You aren't a Commander anymore. He's not your soldier. You aren't responsible for him anymore.” 

“Do you think I should tell the others about Armin?” Erwin asked. He was legitimately curious. He trusted Levi to tell him the truth. Levi's face changed while he thought about it. “Have I taken it took far?” Levi shook his head. 

“No,” he said. “You haven't handled Armin in the wrong way. It's just really bad timing.” Erwin rubbed his eyes. “Are you sure it can't wait? If you can wait, we'll tell them that you're going on vacation or something.” 

“Without you?” Erwin blurted. He realized the implication, but Levi didn't seem bothered at all. 

“I might be willing to go with you if you'll wait,” he said. “I can't come home after being away just to leave again.” Erwin's eyelids felt heavy enough to close. “Think about it.” He opened his eyes again, staring at Levi. Without any inhibitions to stop he, he scanned Levi's whole body before looking to his eyes again. And when Levi grinned at him, Erwin grinned back and his eyes fell closed. 

Erwin heard Levi lay back down on the couch. He opened his eyes, but they fluttered closed again. Then, Erwin felt Levi's fingers against his left hand. He felt Levi's thumb. His fingertips. Erwin opened his mouth, maybe to say something, or maybe because it felt good to touch him. He felt the relief. Levi was home. And he wanted to savor it. He grasped one of Levi's fingers between his thumb and forefinger. Levi's hands were soft, rough around the knuckles. Erwin licked his lips. Levi laced their fingers together, and his thumb stroked Erwin's hand. 

“Go to sleep,” Levi said. “I'll be here when you wake up.”

Erwin opened his eyes and tried to focus on the television. He didn't want to sleep. 

Levi's hand was warm, and Erwin's eyes fell closed again.


	34. May 11, 2015

Since he had reached a certain level of methadone, he wasn't sleeping as well anymore. And when he had completely stopped taking it, he only slept a few hours a night. The hardest part of his recovery had been trying to find something to entertain himself while he was awake. Some nights he actually had a full eight hours. But most nights he slept four to six without noticing a difference. A few nights, he didn't sleep at all if he was excited or anxious. He wasn't used to having so much free time. And he still thought about dope. Spoons, water, lighters, rubber bands, and needles. At least, that hadn't changed. 

Zim seemed worried at first, and he offered a minor sleep aid. Levi refused. Zim pushed back. Levi wouldn't budge. And he continued to function normally. Dark circles slowly filled out under his eyes. But there weren't any noticeable physical or mental health changes. Zim stopped fighting him on sleep aids after that.

In rehab, losing sleep wasn't so bad. He enjoyed having the extra hours to read or write. He exercised some, but not too much. The rehab program required an hour of exercise a day. But he would work out an extra hour at night if he couldn't sleep. His sex drive had increased, and that entertained him for a while each night. Sometimes he went to the common area to watch TV. He hoped he would rest better at home. In Erwin's house at least. He didn't. 

Levi watched TV in Erwin's living room for as long as he could. During commercials that weren't interesting, he stared at Erwin. He watched Erwin's chest rise and fall with breath. Erwin's eyebrows would pinch together occasionally. Sometimes he would mutter. Levi savored every moment of it. He understood what Zim had said two months ago. That he would go home and find little things that he could have missed while he was high. Levi hadn't been back for less than 24 hours, and he couldn't count the things he had missed about Erwin with all of his digits. He could have missed it all. 

If he was high, he wouldn't notice the little creases in Erwin's face. Those creases would be wrinkles one day. Probably the same ones that Erwin had in their first life. The little ones next to his eyes. Erwin squinted a lot. Levi would miss out on those wrinkles if he was high. He wanted to see them grow old and deep. He wanted to see Erwin's hair fade to gray and white. 

He touched Erwin's hand. He ran the pad of his thumb over Erwin's fingernails, feeling their smoothness, or the dents in them. He wouldn't care about those little dents if he was high. Sometimes he dared to play with Erwin's hair. A few times, Erwin winced in his sleep. But Levi didn't want to stop touching him. He only stopped when Erwin shoved his hand away. It was a hard push. Levi frowned, wondering if he had really woken Erwin that easily. But Erwin didn't open his eyes. Erwin breathed heavily and settled back down. Levi raised his eyebrows. Sometimes he forgot how deeply PTSD could run. Levi decided not to touch him so much after that. He stared anyway.

Some nights, in rehab, he thought about their first life. In their first life, if he couldn't sleep, he always had something to entertain himself. New strategies. Contingency plans for the field. But all of that was gone. And the bad shit was left. Dope helped with the bad shit. When he was high, he didn't think about his mothers. He even forgot Randy sometimes. But he was willing to trade thinking about the bad shit for Erwin. Watching Erwin sleep at night. It had been one of his favorite joys in their first life. He wanted to be mentally present enough to see it again. 

Levi's eyes trailed over Erwin. He lifted his head from the pillow to see all of him. He noticed that Erwin was wearing the boots. They looked like they were in good shape. Maybe Erwin hadn't worn them much. But Levi was curious. 

He stood from the couch and walked over to the other end, looking at Erwin's boots. He couldn't tell much about their condition from a single look. He glanced at Erwin, who hadn't moved again. Levi carefully removed the boots from Erwin's feet. Erwin grumbled, but that was all. 

Levi walked down the hallway to Erwin's room. He stood outside the door for a while before gathering enough determination to go into the room. 

Levi's phone and wallet were on the nightstand, on the side of the bed that he typically slept on. His side of the bed, he hoped. Plugged up and fully charged. Levi disconnected the cord from the phone. Two in the morning. He could polish them before Erwin woke up. He found his kit quickly. Erwin hadn't moved it. 

Levi took everything to the back porch. He opened the back door as quietly as he could, and Erwin didn't budge at all. Levi sat down on one of the porch chairs, pulled on black gloves, lit a cigarette and got started. 

He considered what they needed to get done before Erwin left for his flight. Hopefully, Erwin had an updated passport and they could skip that part. If not, then the day was going to be busier than he expected. 

When one boot was finished, Levi dropped the cigarettes butt, with polish all over it, into the butt bucket. He saw that there were more butts in the can than there should be. Erwin had been smoking more often. He lit another cigarette before polishing the other boot. And it burned to the filter before he realized it. He was distracted. 

With the boots finished, Levi stared at them for a while. It hadn't taken him as long as he wanted. He glanced to the back yard. He pulled his gloves off and tossed them into the trash pile that he had made. Then, he stood and removed his shirt. He went to the middle of the backyard and did push ups until he reached muscle failure. He switched to bicycles after that. And when he felt like his legs wouldn't lift anymore, he stared at the sky. The clouds were too thick to see any stars. But that's when he started to feel like he was really home, sweating and breathless in the backyard. 

Levi stood from the ground and stretched his muscles carefully. Then, he went back inside. Erwin was still sleeping heavily. Levi put the boots in Erwin's closet. Except for the things which Erwin had packed for him, none of Levi's things had been moved. He stared at his own clothing for a while, wondering if it hurt Erwin to look at those clothes. Levi winced and couldn't stand in the closet anymore.

He went to the garage and took his duffel bag from the SUV. Even though his clothes were clean, they still smelled foreign so he started a load of laundry to try and wash the smell of rehab out. Then, he went to Erwin's bathroom to shower. He leaned against the wall of the shower and relaxed in the hot water. He used Erwin's soap and shampoo. He felt fully at home then. He fixated on Erwin's razor. He remembered that they had both used it one time, and it made him smile. It felt stupid to feel so welcomed by a shower razor. But it was all of the little things. He wanted them. 

After a shower, he quickly put on some of his clothes from the closet. He smelled of them first. They smelled like home. 

Then, he started cleaning the house. He couldn't do anything loud like use the vacuum, but dusting, sweeping, laundry, and bleaching the bathrooms were still options. 

In rehab, he tidied up some of the common areas at night. Sometimes he convinced the nurses to let him have cleaning products over night so he could entertain himself. He unintentionally stole cleaning duties from other addicts. Zim asked him not to do that, but sometimes he forgot. No one else seemed to mind. He broke a sweat while he was cleaning and showered again, followed by more fresh clothes. He enjoyed going to the closet for his things, even if he struggled with the idea of Erwin looking at those clothes every day. He remembered what it was like to pack away Erwin's clothes in his first life. Levi kept some of Erwin's things in his own closet. It hurt to look at them. But he couldn't let all of them be repurposed or burned. He kept as many pieces of Erwin as he could.

He didn't know what to do after he finished his laundry. He put Erwin's sheets away in the closet and packed his duffel bag with his rehab clothes so he could use them while he stayed at Hange's. 

Then, he went back to the couch and laid down again. He couldn't find anything on television that he wanted to watch. He chose a channel that was showing infomercials and closed his eyes. He didn't sleep, but he tried to relax. 

When the sun was high enough that Levi saw a change of light through his eyelids, he checked the time on his phone. It was still too early to wake Erwin up. He watched TV again. Some channels had started regular programming again.

He rolled over on the couch and stared at Erwin again. He didn't want to touch him and bother him in his sleep. But he wanted to hear his voice. Levi swallowed and contemplated ways to wake Erwin up without scaring him. He waited, hoping. But when seven o'clock rolled around and Erwin wasn't awake, Levi couldn't take it anymore. He took the remote from the coffee table and slammed it to the floor.

Erwin grunted and sat half-way up. He winced against the sunlight from the windows. Then, he grabbed his forehead with both hands and laid back down. Levi looked down at the remote on the floor. The cover of the battery compartment had broken off. Nothing a little tape would fix. 

“Sorry,” Levi muttered. Erwin turned his head. 

“Levi?” Erwin looked at him, eyes half -lidded, face red, hair mussed. Levi stared back at him. 

“I dropped the remote,” Levi said. He saw the realization move over Erwin's face. Erwin had forgotten where he was again. Erwin looked around, checking his surroundings. Levi sat up on the couch, picked up the remote, put the battery cover back in place, and set it back on the coffee table. “I broke the remote a little bit.” 

“It's fine,” Erwin grunted. He was rubbing his face again. 

“Headache?” 

“Uh-” 

Levi stood from the couch and went to Erwin's bathroom to get ibuprofen. He got a glass of water in the kitchen on his way back to the living room. Erwin was still laying on the couch with his hands covering his eyes. Levi stood next to him. 

“Hangover or migraine?” Levi asked. Erwin inhaled deeply and sighed. 

“Hangover so far,” he said. Levi stood between Erwin and the bright sun. 

“Take this,” Levi said. Erwin carefully moved his hands from his eyes and looked at Levi's hand. He held out his hand for the ibuprofen and took it with the glass of water. “We need to get you ready for tomorrow.” 

“Tomorrow.” 

“Your flight.” 

“Uh huh,” Erwin said. He drank some more of the water and set the glass on the table. Levi took the glass of water and drank some of it himself. 

“I'm going to move. Cover your eyes,” Levi said. Erwin obediently covered his eyes again, and Levi stepped out of the way of the sunlight. “A shower will help.” Levi went to the kitchen to get himself some more water and start some coffee. 

The coffee pot was finished brewing by the time Erwin got off of the couch and started walking to the back bedroom. He held his head low, rubbing his forehead, but Levi couldn't feel any sympathy for him. Not when he was going to have to push Erwin in the right direction. 

Erwin came back to the kitchen dressed in jeans and a blue cotton shirt. Levi was sitting at the island bar. After a couple of cigarettes, he made two plates of eggs and bacon. Coffee for both of them. A Gatorade for Erwin. He read an online daily meditation while he waited for Erwin. Erwin didn't sit down immediately when he was back in the kitchen. Levi turned and looked at him. 

“Did you sleep?” Erwin asked. Levi shook his head. He drank some of his coffee, wanting another cigarette already. Erwin put his hands in his pockets, and Levi glanced at them. “I apologize, Levi-”

“You already have,” Levi said. “A hangover is enough punishment for whatever you think you've done this time.” Erwin closed his mouth and licked his lips. Levi's right foot slipped off the footrest of the stool, and he had to adjust himself on the stool seat again. “Hungry?” Erwin shook his head, but he sat down. He pushed the plate away. “You should eat so we can get started.” Levi turned his phone screen off and set it down on the bar.

“Started with what?” Erwin asked. Levi shrugged. 

“Gym, packing, doctor's appointment,” Levi said. 

“You have a doctor's appointment already?” 

“No. I'll do that while you're gone probably,” Levi said, looking at him. “You need to go today though.” Erwin's eyebrows pulled together. “It's good to see a doctor before you go out of the country. And you need someone to prescribe an antidepressant that works.” Erwin's eyebrows parted, raised, his mouth opened a bit before he closed it. “Obviously, you're not going to start a new medicine before you leave. But when you come back, you need to do some recovery.” Levi drank some of his coffee, mostly to distract himself from looking Erwin in the face. 

“I'm sorry,” Erwin said. He shook his head. Levi could see it from the corner of his eye. “But it's a lot to have you back for less than 24 hours, and you're already demanding a doctor's appointment.” Levi nodded. 

“Yeah. But Hange told me that you haven't been doing very well since your father died,” he said. “When I left, she said that you took it really hard, and they were worried. But it was situational. Then, your dad died, and you've been worse. Which makes sense.” Levi drank some more of his coffee. 

“My medication hasn't been working because I've forgotten to take it sometimes, but-”

“Alcohol will knock it out too,” Levi said. “You might as well be taking sugar pills if you're going to put a lot of alcohol on top of an antidepressant.” Levi saw Erwin nod from the corner of his eye. “If you were drinking for fun, I wouldn't give a shit.” 

“I know,” Erwin said. His tone had changed, and Levi's eye twitched at the defeated sound. “That's fair.” 

“Going to the doctor is the smart thing to do for now,” Levi said. “You've got the summer to recover before you have to go back to work.” Erwin opened his Gatorade and drank some of it. “They might have something that will help you with your drinking if you want it.” Levi looked around at the kitchen. “In fact, I know they have that kind of thing.” Erwin played with the cap to his Gatorade bottle for a few minutes. “You can tell the doctor about your dad, and then it's like a temporary thing.” Levi drank some more of his coffee. Erwin slid the cap of his Gatorade around on the bar top. 

“The shower smells like bleach,” Erwin said. “Did you clean?” Levi nodded. He started to eat some of his breakfast. After some more Gatorade, Erwin pulled his plate back towards himself and started eating. 

*****

Levi tried to avoid eye contact with everyone in the waiting room of the doctor's office. The doctor was only able to see Erwin because he had a cancellation in his schedule at 10:00, but the waiting room was still packed. Levi hoped that a packed waiting room was a sign of a good doctor. 

Eventually, a nurse called Erwin to the back area of the office. Erwin stood up and looked down at Levi. 

“Are you coming?” Erwin asked. Levi stood and followed Erwin. He tried to keep his face blank, but he felt a smile pulling at one corner of his mouth.

The nurse led Erwin to the small triage area. She asked the reason for his visit. Erwin explained that he wanted to try a different antidepressant. The nurse nodded. She asked about pain among other things. Levi stopped listening. He did look at Erwin's blood pressure reading. It was normal. Levi shuffled his feet. Erwin didn't seem as bad as Hange had made him out to be. 

The nurse led them to a private room. Erwin sat on the patient's bed, and Levi sat in the chair in the corner. He pushed at the doctor's rolling stool with his foot. 

“Hopefully, it won't take too long,” Erwin said. 

“I doubt it,” Levi said, looking at him. “But that's okay. You've got everything you need to leave tomorrow? Passport and stuff?” 

“Yes,” Erwin said. “I've let AT&T know that I'll be traveling down there too. But I've unlocked my phone just in case. I may call your number from Skype instead. I'm not sure yet.” Levi nodded. 

“I'll put Skype on my phone,” he said. Erwin adjusted on top of the bed, rustling the paper. “I hate those things,” Levi said, nodding towards the patient bed. 

“I like the paper. I always ripped it up when I was a child,” Erwin said with a grin. Levi grinned back at him. 

“Why?” he asked. Erwin shrugged. 

“I loved Gisela,” Erwin said. “But she was old-fashioned in some ways. When I went to see a doctor, she didn't pack any entertainment for me. She didn't let me plays with the toys in the pediatrician's office because she was afraid they would make me even more sick. So I had to sit still next to her.” Levi smiled. “I guess by the time I finally got into the room, I wanted something to do so I ripped up this paper.” Erwin tore a slit in the bed paper. “But when I was older, I convinced her that I needed to bring a book with me.” Levi nodded. 

“I think my mom liked taking me to the doctor's office,” Levi said. 

“Why?” 

“She worked a lot,” Levi said. “We didn't go to the park or playgrounds much when I a kid. I got invited to birthday parties sometimes, but we normally couldn't stay for the whole party. And I don't remember her hanging out with a lot of moms while I was around. I wasn't sick very often,” Levi shrugged. “And I think she bragged about me to the other moms while we were at the doctor's office.” Erwin smiled softly. “I actually remember her bragging about how I didn't complain a lot. Sometimes she didn't know I was sick until I couldn't get out of bed.” Levi smiled back at him. “I guess that was her version of playground-mom bonding.” Erwin adjusted on the bed again and folded his hands together in his lap. 

“Levi,” Erwin said. He paused and even shook his head. “I don't want to make you uncomfortable,” Erwin paused again, staring at part of the floor for a moment. Then, he made eye contact. “But I want to say that there's a very obvious difference about you now.” Levi nodded, trying to show that he wasn't uncomfortable, offended, or even affected. “I'm really glad that you're healthier.” 

“Yeah-”

“More than glad,” Erwin said, releasing a huff of breath. 

“I'm better,” Levi said. “Starting to feel more like my old self.” Erwin's smile grew wide. “Not completely, but closer.” Erwin exhaled again, and Levi saw the relief on his face. He felt relieved too. Neither of them knew how to respond. Erwin sat back farther on the bed, and Levi slouched in the chair.

Twenty minutes later, there was a knock at the door. Levi sat up in his chair, and the doctor didn't wait for a response before he walked in the room. The doctor was an older man, with gray hair, and rough tan skin. 

“Hey there, Ean,” the doctor said, extending his hand. Erwin shook it. 

“Dr. Greer, this is Levi. We were in the military together,” Erwin said. The doctor turned to Levi and offered his hand. Levi shook it. 

“Nice to meet you,” Dr. Greer said. 

“You too,” Levi gripped his hand a bit harder before letting go. Dr. Greer sat down on the rolling stool, glancing at Erwin's folder.

“Is Levi your last name or first name?” the doctor asked. 

“First.” 

“Oh,” he said. “Good friends then.” He smiled. 

“Yeah,” Levi said with a grin, relaxing in his chair again. 

“Your antidepressant's not working so well anymore?” Dr. Greer asked Erwin.

“Or maybe I need to increase the dosage. Or add something to it,” Erwin said. Levi's eyes bounced between the doctor and Erwin. 

“Why's that?” Dr. Greer asked. 

“Well, that's part of why Levi is here with me today,” Erwin said. He looked Levi in the eye, and Levi tried to smile at him. “I've started drinking excessively. And my father died.” Dr. Greer stared at Erwin, nodding. “Recently.” 

“I'm sorry to hear that, Ean.” 

“Last week,” Erwin said. “He died last week. But I've um-” Erwin hesitated. “I started drinking more heavily about four months ago.” Dr. Greer nodded, looking back down at the folder. He closed the folder, slid back on the stool, and looked up at Erwin. 

“That's not good,” he said. Erwin nodded in agreement. “Antidepressants can't work around a lot of alcohol, you know.” Erwin kept nodding. 

“I know,” Erwin said. “I'm going to change that behavior this summer. It's not-” Erwin held out his palms. “I'm not an alcoholic. I don't crave drinks in the morning. But I do binge.” 

“How often?” 

“I don't really keep up with it,” Erwin said. “But I've gone to the liquor store three times in a week before.”

“What size bottle are you buying?” 

“It depends,” Erwin said, shaking his head. 

“That sounds like a lot,” Dr. Greer said. 

“Yes,” Erwin said. “I can say that it's a lot.” Levi adjusted in his chair. He tried to stay still. But he didn't realize how much Erwin had been drinking. Erwin had strong tolerance, but this was too much.

“That's not the worst that I've heard,” Dr. Greer said. “One time, I asked a patient how much he drank, and his response was: 'All of it'.” 

“Oh,” Erwin said. 

“Yeah. But your situation is different. With antidepressants, you're just wasting money on pills and alcohol. They can cancel each out out,” Dr. Greer said. Levi felt his right toes lift from the floor, but he didn't tap his foot loudly. He slowly lowered it back to the floor. 

“I know,” Erwin said. “I want to change that.” 

“Good,” the doctor said. “I'd like to talk to you more about what you need in a prescription. But that's a more private discussion.” Dr. Greer didn't even glance at Levi, but Levi stood up anyway. 

“Can I have the cars keys? I need my cigarettes,” Levi said. Erwin reached into his pocket, pulled out the keys, and Levi took them. Dr. Greer offered his hand to Levi, and Levi shook it again. “Thanks.” 

“Thank you for coming in with him,” Dr. Greer said. Levi wasn't sure how to respond, so he walked behind the doctor to the door. “Smoke across the street please.”

“You got it,” Levi said. He left the room and went back to the waiting area. He grinned when he saw a few kids playing in the corner of the room together. And he went to the car for his cigarettes. He walked across the street and stood in the grocery store parking lot to smoke. While he was smoking, he craved water. He pulled out his phone and checked his bank account. He dragged while he waited for the page to load and was greeted with a nice number. Of course, he hadn't spent any money for four months. 

Levi finished his cigarette and went into the grocery store for a bottle of water. While he was standing at the cooler, he thought about Erwin. He grabbed a second water bottle. After he paid, Levi opened his bottle and drank some water while he walked back across the street. He put both bottles of water in the car before he went back inside of the doctor's office and sat down.

The largest TV in the room was playing HGTV, and he slouched in his chair. He wished that he had worn a hoodie even though it was so hot outside. Briefly, he glanced at the crooks of his arms. The pale scars were still there. Not as noticeable as they had been only last year. But he wondered if Dr. Greer had noticed them. Maybe not. Hopefully not. He still felt more comfortable with a hoodie. His phone vibrated in his pocket. 

_Erwin: I'm sorry that this is taking so long. He's left the room already._

_Levi: It's okay. They've got HGTV on the TV out here._

_Erwin: Anything good?_

_Levi: Just the scripted stuff. So yeah. It's fine._

_Levi closed out the messages with Erwin and brought up Hange._

_Levi: We're at Erwin's doctor's office._

_Hange: Why? Is he okay?_

_Levi: Getting him something to help with his drinking. He has to go back tomorrow to check on some stuff for his dad._

_Hange: I'm so glad that you're home. What are you doing after the doctor?_

_Levi: The gym. Then I don't know_

_Hange: Are you going to go with him up north?_

_Levi: No. I'm staying here. Preferably at your house._

_Hange: WE'RE GOING TO DO ALL OF THE THINGS!_

Levi turned off the screen to his phone. He wasn't exactly sure what to say to Hange. He was nervous to ask what “all of the things” could be. Erwin texted him again. 

_Erwin: Just finished._

Levi sat back in his chair and tried to care about what house the couple wanted on House Hunters. He Googled some information about the show, found out how it was fake, and then it was more interesting. Most of the couples weren't very good actors, and it made the show kind of funny. 

Erwin walked out to the waiting room in the middle of one of the episodes. Levi was pretty invested in finding out what the third house would look like, and he didn't move from his seat. Erwin stood next to him, watching the TV for a while. When a commercial came on, Levi stood from his chair. 

“We can stay if you want to see it,” Erwin said with a grin. 

“I'll look it up later,” Levi said. Erwin led the way out of the doctor's office. And he walked to the driver's side of the SUV. 

“I'm hungry,” Erwin said before he started the engine. Levi closed the passenger door. 

“What did the doctor say?” Levi asked. He buckled his seatbelt. He looked back at Erwin. Erwin rubbed one of his eyebrows. 

“I've got some prescriptions that I can pick up today, but he suggested that I shouldn't start them until I get back,” Erwin said. He nodded and looked at Levi. Levi craved a cigarette. His mouth watered. 

“Can I smoke in here?” he asked. 

“Yes, if I can have one.” 

Levi lit a cigarette and rolled the window down all the way, holding his cigarette outside while he wasn't inhaling. He gave Erwin a cigarette. During his third drag, Levi held the smoke in for so long that it hurt a bit. He exhaled and coughed. He saw Erwin physically relax when he exhaled. 

“Started smoking more?” Levi asked. 

“I'm going to quit while I'm gone,” he said. 

“Did the talk with the doc go okay?” he asked. Erwin nodded. 

“It did. Thank you,” he said. “I can pick up my medicine at the pharmacy in a couple of hours.” Levi nodded. “Something to help me sleep. And he increased the dosage of my antidepressant.” 

“That's good.” 

“Yes. I'm glad that we did this,” Erwin said, buckling his seatbelt. Erwin put the car in gear to pull out of the parking place. 

“We should work out before we eat,” Levi said. 

“I haven't exercised in a while,” Erwin said. Levi shrugged. 

“You might be a little slow, but you'll be fine,” Levi said. “How long are you staying in Australia?” 

“Not long,” Erwin said. “Leaving tomorrow. I'll get to Sydney on the 14th and departing to come home on Friday the 18h. Hopefully, with Armin.” Levi dragged on his cigarette. 

“You're planning on bringing him back?” he exhaled smoke. 

“Yes.” 

“Why?” 

“I don't think he ever left the war,” Erwin said. Levi looked at him. Erwin's face had no emotion. And then Erwin looked away to make a turn. “You've seen people like that haven't you?” Levi nodded. “I don't know how to help him except to show him that it's okay to leave the war behind.” Levi dragged again. Erwin threw his cigarette out of the window. 

“You think three days is long enough to convince him to come back for a visit?” Levi breathed smoke. 

“I'm not sure,” Erwin said. “I'm concerned about him, and I decided that it was better to make the visit short. More urgent.” Levi nodded. “And I don't want to stay away from home for too long.” Levi tapped his left foot against the floor mat. Levi dragged on his cigarette again before tossing it. 

“I don't want that either.” Levi rolled up his window and looked at Erwin. Erwin stopped at a red light and looked at him. 

The corners of Erwin's mouth tilted up, and his eyes softened. Levi clenched his jaw and swallowed. While Erwin was looking at him, he was too afraid to move. He wanted to touch him. But then Erwin broke eye contact to drive. Levi relaxed and looked out the window. He ran his hand over his mouth. 

At the gym, Levi changed into his workout clothes as quickly as possible without looking at Erwin. And then he took his time putting his clothing away in one of the lockers. If he looked, he wasn't sure that he could stop himself. But when he turned around, Erwin was dressed in a tank top and gym shorts. Levi swallowed before they left the changing room. 

Erwin didn't seem very slow at the gym to Levi. But Levi knew that Erwin retained muscle and stamina longer than most people. In their first life, Erwin had been in a coma for ten days, and his still had amazing definition of his muscles when he woke up. And he definitely didn't take things slow once he was awake. Some people could lose definition in a day or two. Erwin somehow maintained it. 

Levi tried his best not to stare at Erwin for too long. But he let himself stare long enough that Erwin caught him a few times. He wanted Erwin to catch him looking. Erwin wore tank tops to work out, and Levi stared at his Wings tattoo often. And his forearms. His calves too. Any peek at Erwin's thighs that he could get. His mouth watered if his thought about licking the leather strap of Erwin's bolo tie tattoo. Levi had to increase the speed of the treadmill to stop himself from staring so frequently. Getting caught a few times was fine. Blatantly staring and drooling wasn't. 

“I thought you said you were going to be slow,” Levi said when they both stepped off their treadmills. 

“I am,” Erwin said. Levi rolled his eyes before he started to walk to the weights section. 

“When was the last time you exercised?” Levi asked. Erwin cringed. And Levi didn't push. Levi went to the chin-up bars, and Erwin went to the leg extension machine. From the chin-up bar, Levi could look directly at Erwin. Erwin wasn't looking at him, but Levi could only trust himself to do about twenty chin-ups before he knew that he couldn't look at Erwin anymore. He dropped down and went to the weight bench. Erwin saw him move and followed without direction. Erwin got in the position to spot him. Levi wished he hadn't. But he wasn't going to lift by himself either. 

“I think you've gotten stronger since you've been away,” Erwin said. Levi closed his eyes to lift again before he lowered his arms. He couldn't take anymore of Erwin standing over him. He only lifted ten times. 

“Probably,” Levi said, lifting the weights up again and setting them into the rest. Levi sat up on the bench and wiped the sweat from his forehead with his right forearm. “There was a lot of emphasis on working out. I liked that. You picked a good place.” Levi looked up at Erwin. Some of the color had drained from Erwin's face, and his eyes weren't focused anymore. “What?” Erwin shook his head. 

“Nothing-” 

“You picked a good rehab,” Levi said. “If you had sent me somewhere else-” Levi shrugged. “With a lot of chanting or some shit, I probably wouldn't have stayed.” He grinned up at Erwin. 

“Chanting?” Erwin asked, a smile pulling at his lips. Levi nodded. 

“If you sent me to a hippie rehab, I would have left the next day,” Levi said. He stood from the bench, pulling his shirt down a bit. “You did good.” Erwin swallowed hard enough that Levi saw his throat move. 

“Did you like Zim?” Erwin asked. Levi nodded. He stood from the bench. “He helped me a lot,” Levi said. 

“Good,” Erwin blurted. Erwin looked around aimlessly. “I'm finished if you are,” he said, meeting Levi's eyes again. Levi nodded. That's when he knew that neither of them could focus. While they had been living together, they could spend a couple of hours in the gym and not notice. 

“I'm hungry too,” Levi said. “Are you going to shower here still?” His mind suddenly raced. Too many images of Erwin at a single time. 

“If that's alright with you,” Erwin said. More images flooded his mind. 

“You can,” Levi said. “Can I shower at your place?” 

“Of course,” Erwin said. “I'll do the same. Maybe my prescriptions are ready. We can eat at home too, if that's alright.” 

“Yeah,” Levi said. Erwin started walking out of the gym, and Levi followed him. He glanced at Erwin's ass and regretted it. But he turned his head quickly and looked anywhere else. 

While they were walking through the parking lot, an idea occurred to him. 

“Do you need a ride to the airport tomorrow?” Levi asked. 

“Yes.” 

“I should probably stay at your house tonig-” 

“You should.” 

****** 

Levi used the guest shower. And even the idea of Erwin in the master bathroom, naked, made it difficult for Levi to concentrate. He made the shower fast, even closing his eyes and pretending to be in the communal bath in the Corps headquarters. That made it easier. He took a three minute shower. 

After that, Levi went to the living room to watch TV. Erwin went to the kitchen to make lunch. Levi offered to help, and Erwin refused. Levi didn't mind.  
They ate sandwiches. Erwin watched some of Levi's show with him, and then he disappeared into his office. Levi cleaned up the lunch dishes. 

They spent several hours apart, and Levi was grateful for the break. Erwin was in his office and the bedroom preparing for the flight. Levi could hear him moving. Levi entertained himself with trash television. He had missed so many episodes. And sometime after the sun went down, Levi felt his eyelids getting heavy. 

_Erwin was sitting on the bed. It was the bed where Levi had laid him to rest in Shiganshina. Levi looked around the room. The flowers were still alive._

_“Levi.”_

_Levi looked at Erwin. Erwin was sitting on the bed. He was wearing his full uniform, and his blue eyes were glowing from under his hood. He looked young and healthy in the cloak. Levi walked across the small room to sit down on the bed next to him. The bolo tie around Erwin's neck was dusty and clouded. Levi sighed when he sat down._

_“I know you're tired,” Erwin said._

_Levi nodded. He felt Erwin's heavy hand on his back. Levi checked his own hands. They were wrinkled. He could see his veins in his thin, old skin. His fingernails were yellowed._

_“Are you going to take me home?” Erwin asked. Levi nodded and looked at him._

_“As soon as I can get back here,” Levi said. His own voice sounded old. “I'll take you somewhere and put you in the ground.” Erwin pulled the hood of his cloak back, and his appearance changed as the hood fell back. He began to decay in front of Levi's eyes. His muscle and fat melted away until only skin was pulled over his bones. His blond hair fell out. The tips of his fingers withered into sharp points. Then his cheekbones cut through his skin. Levi couldn't move. He told his feet to move. They wouldn't._

“Levi.” 

Levi opened his eyes and sat up, grabbing the cushions of the couch to support himself. Erwin was standing near his feet at one end of the couch. 

“I made some dinner,” Erwin said. Levi winced. He let go of the couch cushions and turned around on the couch, rubbing at his eyes. He folded his legs on the couch and rested his elbows on his knees, holding his head. “Are you alright?” Levi took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. He rubbed his eyes, trying to rid himself of the image. And he felt Erwin sit down next to him. 

“I'm okay,” Levi said. Levi took another slow breath, held it, and exhaled slowly. He repeated the breathing exercise until he could remind himself where he was. 

“Can I touch you?” Erwin asked. Levi nodded. And he felt Erwin's heavy hand on his back. He took his hands from his eyes and looked at Erwin. He was young. Younger than he was when he died at least. And he was in sweatpants and a white cotton shirt. That life was over. Levi gazed over him from head to toe, and Erwin moved his hand against his back. Levi rested his forehead in his right palm and stared at the coffee table. He counted the frays on the duct tape that he used to tape the remote back together. He cleared his throat. 

“How long was I asleep?” 

“I'm not sure,” Erwin said. “You were sleeping when I came out here to make dinner, and I didn't want to wake you.” Levi grinned. “Should I have?” Levi took his palm from his forehead. 

“No,” Levi said. “I needed the sleep.” He cleared his throat again and coughed. He had slept long enough that he needed a cigarette. “I had a nightmare about Shiganshina.” Erwin stopped moving his hand. “I'm okay,” Levi repeated. “But nightmares don't play by real standards, you know.” He looked at Erwin. “Anything can happen.” Erwin nodded. His face was blank. “Were you having a nightmare this morning when I woke you up?” 

“I don't remember,” Erwin said. “But I have them often.” He started moving his hand, rubbing Levi's back gently. “And some of them are how you've described. They bend physics until it's disgusting. I had that happen often in our first life.” 

“I don't remember having them so often in our first life,” Levi said. “Being awake was a nightmare sometimes.” Erwin took his hand away, and Levi had to stop himself from leaning towards him. 

“I'm not sure you slept enough to dream then,” Erwin said. Levi shrugged. “Once, in our first life, I dreamed that a Titan broke your back while we beyond the walls.” Levi looked at Erwin's eyes. And he saw the discomfort. The sadness. He raised his eyebrows. “You were bent in half. A piece of your spine was protruding from your stomach.” Erwin rubbed his nose. “And then time stopped. Titans stopped moving. Soldiers weren't moving. But all of them were looking at me.” Levi's mind was blank. But the room felt heavy. 

“Fuck, Erwin,” Levi said. “That makes my shit sound tame.” Erwin looked at him and grinned. Levi grinned back. “I dream about you dying pretty often too, but at least, I actually saw it happen. Your shit is way worse.” Erwin smiled widely at him. Levi's smile grew. “And now you're doing your creepy smile.” Erwin laughed, and Levi shook his head. But he was smiling anyway. 

“Sometimes I watch you rot away,” Levi said. “Before rehab, I was mostly trying to save you on the roof, but now, I'm mostly dreaming about the way you rotted.” Levi suddenly yawned and covered his mouth. 

“That's not very tame,” Erwin said. 

“Maybe not,” Levi said. “But I did go back to get you. I wanted you to know that.” 

“What do you mean?” Erwin asked. Levi opened his mouth, closed it again. He rubbed his forehead with his hand. 

“I mean,” Levi started and hesitated again. “Um- I couldn't move you out of Shiganshina as soon as you died. I had to go back to get you.” He looked at Erwin, and Erwin nodded with understanding. “But I made sure that you were taken care of, even if it took a while.” Levi looked away from him. 

“I'm grateful,” Erwin said. Levi cleared his throat. 

“It's too early, and we're too sober for this kind of talk,” Levi said grinning at him. 

“I'm amazed we're talking about this at all,” Erwin said with a smile. 

“Me too,” Levi said, nodding. “But so far, keeping my mouth shut has just pushed me to dope.” 

“I've always liked talking to you, Levi,” Erwin said. “No matter the subject.” 

“You have to tell me your shit too though,” Levi said. His eyebrows pinched together, and he looked Erwin in the eye. “That's how this works.” Erwin nodded. 

“That's a fair trade,” Erwin said. In that moment, Levi made a decision. Erwin needed to know what happened at rehab. 

“Deal. I need a smoke,” Levi said, standing from the couch. 

“You're sure that you're alright?” Erwin asked. Levi looked down at him. 

“Yeah,” Levi said. Erwin's eyes dropped from Levi's face to his stomach and back up again. Levi raised his eyebrows. “Are you checking me out, old man?” The red in Erwin's face was so instantaneous that Levi caught a glimpse of it before Erwin stood and turned to walk to the kitchen. 

“I'm not that old anymore,” Erwin said, with an obvious attempt to sound irritated. Levi knew it was fake. He walked to the back door. 

“You will be,” Levi said before he opened the back door and stepped out. He smoked two cigarettes instead of one. The nicotine hit him hard enough that he felt it in his feet. Levi briefly remembered injecting in his feet. And then, he thought about the infection that came afterwards. Disgusting. He cringed and shivered before he went back in the house. 

Erwin wasn't in the kitchen so Levi checked the dining room. There were two plates on the table, and Levi took his spot. 

“Taco night,” Levi said. 

“It's quick,” Erwin said. Levi started eating, but Erwin hadn't touched his food yet. Levi swallowed and wiped his hands and mouth with his napkin. 

“Not hungry?” Levi asked. 

“Thinking about tomorrow,” Erwin said. 

“Nervous?” 

“A bit.” 

“Why?” 

“Armin doesn't seem like himself,” Erwin said. “I'm starting to wonder what I'm going to be walking into.” Levi wiped his mouth with a napkin. 

“You said he didn't leave the war,” Levi said. “So he should be the same in some ways.” 

“Maybe he is,” Erwin said. “I haven't seen it yet.” 

“What have you seen?” Levi asked. Erwin cleared his throat and sat back in his chair. 

“He has multiple, very visible, tattoos,” Erwin said. “Which is fine unless he's using them to commemorate our first life.” 

“We've got those,” Levi said. 

"All of us have tattoos to acknowledge our time served,” Erwin said. “And I don't see anything wrong with that. The symbol represents a cause. But if Armin is tattooing traumatic things on his body, that could be a problem.” Levi nodded and drank some water. “He's also mentioned that he's had difficulty maintaining a job.” Levi shrugged. 

“Even modern veterans can have that problem.” 

“Right,” Erwin said. “But his partner is working multiple jobs regularly.” Levi nodded and looked down at his plate. “And his partner is someone from our first life.” Levi looked at him with raised eyebrows. 

“Kirstein?” 

“Why do you ask?” 

“You know,” Levi said. “Sometimes kids aren't so subtle.” Erwin shook his head. 

“Not Jean,” he said. Levi's eyebrows pulled together. “In our first life, this young man was named Marco Bott. He was in the 104th with Armin and Jean. He was killed during the battle of Trost.” Images flashed in Levi's mind. He stopped them. 

“So Armin moved on to Jean after this kid was killed?” Levi asked. Erwin shifted in his chair. 

“That would make things much easier,” Erwin said. “Armin claims that Jean and Marco were attracted to each other. I don't exactly remember if he said that Jean and Marco had a relationship. But they were close, either way.” Levi pushed his plate away and leaned forward. “Marco was killed. Armin and Jean began... something, I suppose. Armin remembered when he found Eren. Eren didn't remember-” 

“Shit-” 

“Yes,” Erwin said. “Armin began looking for others. At this time, we had not remembered, and we were unavailable. He found Marco Bott first. Now, he and Marco are in a romantic relationship and living together.” Levi sat back in his chair, looking away from Erwin. He tapped his fingers against the wood of the table. 

“So he doesn't even know Marco very well, but he starts fucking him to make himself feel better?” Levi asked. 

“He knows Marco,” Erwin said. “They were in training together. And they performed maintenance on their equipment together. That's how Armin recognized that Annie had used Marco's equipment for inspection after she killed the captive Titans that Hange was using for experiements.” 

“I remember that now,” Levi said. “That's not so bad.” 

“It's worse,” Erwin said. “I'm finished eating.” He stood from the table. Levi grabbed Erwin's plate. Erwin had barely eaten. 

“You're sure?” 

“Yes,” Erwin said. “I'll help you clean.” 

While they were cleaning the kitchen, Erwin grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the corner of the counter. Levi stopped moving, despite leaning over the dishwasher.

“Levi, could you do me a favor?”

“Yeah,” Levi said. He stood upright. 

“I want you to take this bottle and hide it from me for tonight,” Erwin said. Levi immediately moved over to where Erwin was standing. He moved close to him and took the bottle from Erwin's right hand. Then, he felt Erwin's left hand on his hip. Erwin's thumb pressed into his hip bone, and Levi didn't want to move away. “You could take it Hange's,” he said. “Someone will drink it.” 

“I'll pour it down the sink if you want me to,” Levi said, looking up at him. He leaned into Erwin's hand. Erwin shook his head and smiled, looking down at him. 

“Not necessary,” Erwin said. “I don't plan to stop drinking completely. But while we're both experiencing so much stress, I don't want easy access.” Levi swallowed. He heard Erwin's words, but he was focusing on Erwin's hand. Levi picked up the bottle. Erwin opened his mouth like he might say something else. But then his lips closed and his hand moved away. Levi walked away from him.“In the past, you've told me that you don't enjoy hearing me thank you. Is that something that still bothers you?” Levi stopped walking and looked back at him. 

“No,” he said. Erwin leaned against the counter like he was tired of standing. 

“Thank you, Levi.” 

Levi didn't know the right response. He nodded and turned back to go down the hallway. He hid the whiskey in his duffel bag so he wouldn't forget to take it Hange's. 

Back in the living room, Erwin was sitting on the couch with the TV off. Levi hopped over the back of the sectional and settled into his spot. 

“You said it was worse,” Levi reminded him. Erwin nodded. 

“Marco doesn't remember his first life,” Erwin said. “He and Armin did not have a relationship, as far as I know, besides friendship.” Levi raised his eyebrows. “Marco doesn't remember yet. But if Marco finds the person that triggers his memories, if he realizes who Armin is-”

“And they were both into Jean-” 

“And in some way, I believe that what Armin is doing is wrong,” Erwin said. 

“It's fucked up,” Levi said. “It would be like-” He shook his head. 

“It would be like finding you, losing you, and creating a relationship with Nanaba if I found her before Mike,” Erwin said. Levi cringed, feeling his entire face crinkle, and he squirmed in his seat. 

“Armin remembered because of Eren?” he asked. Erwin nodded. “Who the fuck knows about Eren. Towards the end Erwin-” Levi shook his head. “There's no telling what the hell that kid was thinking about.” 

“But consider what could happen if Marco remembers when he finds Jean,” Erwin said. “What if Jean doesn't remember when he finds Marco? What if he thought of Armin? What would Armin do if Marco comes home to him one day and said that he found Jean? All of these variables could create a very difficult situation. And I don't believe that Armin has considered it.” Erwin leaned forward, drinking from his water glass. 

“It's really fucked up, Erwin.” Erwin set his glass back down after a drink. 

“I'm concerned about Marco and Jean finding each other and remembering together,” Erwin said. “I don't know Marco's motivations for being with Armin. I'm hoping to learn more about that while I'm visiting. But if Marco and Jean remember together, then Armin could be immediately isolated if Marco feels like he has been violated. Armin's working in a morally gray area.”

“It's not a gray area.”

“I understand why you feel that way,” he said. “But I understand Armin's motive as well.”

“How?”

“He grabbed onto the first person he recognized,” Erwin said. “He remembered as a child this time, Levi. We were-” Erwin shook his head and shrugged. “Blessed enough to remember as adults. He lived a tortured childhood twice.” Levi rubbed his face and ran his fingers through his hair. When he looked at Erwin, he saw that Erwin's eyes were looking at his hair. Levi brushed it back into place with his fingers, but it didn't feel mussed. “Imagine Armin as a child, with a possible diagnosis for PTSD. And it that disorder came from a war that he didn't fight in this life.” Levi sighed and leaned over his knees. He hung his head.“I'm telling you this because-” Erwin paused, and Levi looked at him. “There were times that you understood things that I completely missed. And I wanted to know if you have any insight.”

“Are you planning on talking to him about this while you're down there?” Levi asked. 

“I don't know if I should.”

“Don't,” Levi said. “If you want him to come back with you and get some time with us, don't corner him with something he won't understand.” 

“You don't think he'll understand at all?”

“I don't know,” Levi said. “He was really fucking smart the first time around. That might not be the case this time. If he's still the same, then he's already thought about it, and he doesn't care. So you'll either confuse him, or you'll judge him. How long has he been living with Marco?” 

“Possibly a year,” Erwin said. “But they began communicating four years ago or so.” Levi shook his head. 

“If he's still smart, he's already thought of it, Erwin,” Levi said. “He's had enough time.” 

“So, you're suggesting that I don't discuss it with him.”

“Don't bring it up,” Levi said. “Not the first time you meet him.” Erwin nodded. “It really bothers you, doesn't it.” 

“At first, I wasn't sure,” Erwin said. “But as I've had time to think about it, after I compared it to us, I've become more uncomfortable with it. Even though, I told him that I supported him, I'm not sure that's true.” 

“You've had time to think about it,” Levi said. “It's not the first time you've changed your mind about something.” Erwin grinned at him. “Marco is down there with him. You'll be going by yourself. If you talk to Armin about this, and he doesn't like it, then you'll waste your trip.” Erwin nodded. 

“You're right,” he said. “Thank you.” 

“Sure,” Levi said. He scratched the back of his neck. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked the time. “If you're going to get up early, you need to start getting sleepy.” 

“I took my sleeping medication while you were hiding the whiskey,” Erwin said with a smile. Levi smiled back at him. 

“What did they give you?” 

“Sonata?” 

“I thought he would have given you a benzo,” Levi said. 

“He said that if I didn't stay asleep at night, he could give me something else to try,” Erwin said. “But I don't believe that I need anything for anxiety yet. Just something to motivate me to sleep regularly is fine.” Levi nodded. 

“Did you ask him not to give you a benzo?” Levi asked. “Because of me?” 

“No,” Erwin said, his facial expression changing to concern. “I don't want you to think that way, Le-”

“I wouldn't blame you though.” 

“No,” Erwin said, shaking his head. “I'm not going to make medication choices based on your history.” 

“History,” Levi said. He scoffed. “Addiction doesn't ever become history.” Erwin stood from the couch, and Levi felt irritation tingling in his spine. But then, Erwin moved over to Levi's side of the couch. He sat down next him, closer than Levi expected. Levi leaned away from him reflexively. 

“I'll say it one more time,” Erwin said. “I'm not going to make medication choices based on your past actions. I trust you.” Levi's eyes glanced from Erwin's face, down to his lap and hands, back up again.

“I've only been home for a day-”

“You came home,” Erwin said. “That's what counts.” Levi looked away from him then. He looked at the TV remote. A small part of him regretted breaking it. “I'm not feeling tired yet, but I'm going to go lay down to rest.” Erwin stood from the couch and walked past Levi. “You can sleep in any bed you want.” 

Levi rubbed his nose. That offer included Erwin's bed. He knew that it did. But he listened to Erwin walk down the hallway. He didn't hear the bedroom door close. Levi stared at the coffee table, weighing his options. His left foot moved, and he wanted to believe it was because he was leaning on it. But he knew that he wanted to move. He wanted to go to the bedroom. 

Something about it felt wrong. Erwin was leaving in the morning. He wasn't sure what would happen if he went to Erwin's bed. The uncertainty gave him pause. 

Levi sniffed and stood from the couch. He stepped outside for a cigarette. Then, he had more than one cigarette. And after a few smokes, he only had two left in the pack. He tossed the pack in his hand, listening to the cigarettes bounce in the carton. One for the drive to the airport and one for the drive back. Then, he would need to buy more. 

He stared out into the backyard and considered going inside and going to Erwin's room. He told himself that he would live without regrets when he left rehab. But going to Erwin's room didn't feel right. Levi inhaled deeply and coughed a bit when he released the air. He considered his options again, but he still felt like the decision he made earlier was the best choice. 

Erwin needed to know what happened at rehab. Levi didn't want to talk to him about it before Erwin left in the morning. But he wanted Erwin to know everything. He wanted to make another trade. It was only fair to give Erwin all of the information that he deserved before he decided if he wanted Levi to live in the house again or share a bed with him. 

Levi didn't expect to sleep. But he went back inside and turned out the living room lights before he settled on the couch to rest.


End file.
